Crazy Girls chapter 67: What Happens In the Bunker Stays In the Bunker
Narrator: An explosion rocks the building!
Sango: *somewhere deep within the bowels of the building* do you feel that?
Miroku: *clutches her arm tightly*
Sango: a deep...rumbling…
Miroku: I don't wanna know. *clutches a rosary in his other hand*
Sango: we'll be fine. *using her phone as a flashlight* this stone seems pretty sturdy
Miroku: It better be.
Miroku: *flinches as the sounds of gunfire and explosions echo through the tunnel, followed by Riccardo's yelling and Kagome's manic laughter*
Sango: oh come on Roku, you should be used to all this demonic shit by now, why are you so scared?
Miroku: Because Kagome is one thing. Kagome with a gun is another. AND her new extended family ALL with guns is what I'm afraid of most. I'm just glad I thought to bring these two with me. *reveals Aiko who is in one of those slings attached to his back and Shippo holding onto his pant leg*
Sango: don't worry, even if they destroy this house… *presses on the ceiling* we'll be fine…
Miroku: *voice dripping with sarcasm* Oh yeah, I'm so sure we'll be safe as our psychopathic friend demolishes her new father's vacation house in an attempt to stop the police from investigating.
Sango: don't refer to him as "her new father." That bothers me. Even though it's accurate.
Miroku: It's what he is though. He calls Aiko his granddaughter and he seems to treat Kagome as an old man would treat his daughter.
Sango: that's so creepy...but I guess that makes Kirara hitting on him even creepier.
Miroku: Yeah it is. I mean think of it. Riccardo is supposedly somewhere in his seventies. But he's also a demon…
Sango: how old do you think he really is...could he have been around back in the feudal era?
Miroku: Anything's possible
Miroku: Especially when Kagome is involved
Sango: look! There's a door!
Sango: *opens it before he can protest*
Miroku: Oh god oh god oh god oh god
Narrator: inside the room is a king-sized bed covered with red satin sheets and a thick comforter. The walls are lined with bookcases, and there are candles all around that magically light up when the two enter the room. Despite the fanciness, it is still quite dark inside, and the walls aren't exactly the cleanest. It also seems equipped for one person, as there is only one bedside table, though the bed is big enough for three.
Sango: ...I should have expected something like this, right?
Miroku: *carefully peaking through his fingers* Mayhaps, yes
Miroku: *eyeing the bed and its space* Well, it seems that if Kirara ever got her wish for a threeway, this would be the place to go…
Sango: this looks like something you'd draw in one of your twisted journals
Miroku: *whimpering* Please don't mention my journals…
Shippo: *jumps out of Miroku's arms and begins bouncing on the bed* THIS IS FUN!
Sango: *opens desk drawer* speaking of journals...
Aiko: *burps lightning and it disappears into the walls*
Miroku: ...lightning proof?
Sango: *flipping through one of two notebooks* the walls are made from fire-proof material
Sango: same with the sheets and all the furniture…
Shippo: like Inuyasha's robes?
Miroku: I guess they knew something would happen?
Sango: what it looks like, Roku, is that I was right. We will be safe in here.
Miroku: *flinches again as another explosion rocks the foundation, and he can still hear Kagome's maniacal laughter*
Miroku: You sure about that, love? Because I think the house is going to come down around us.
Sango: *reads page then searches the wall for a book outlined in purple and pulls it out of the wall; the wall slides back and to the right to reveal feudal-esque weapons hung on the wall*
Sango: well. We could always go up there and fight. But I don't think you want that
Miroku: *huddled against the wall muttering a prayer* HELL NO
Shippo: *wraps himself in sheets* am I safe now?
Sango: yes, Shippo. You're safe
Miroku: SAFE FROM FIRE DOESN'T MEAN SAFE FROM THE BUILDING COLLAPSING
Sango: so if this journal has useful information in it… *picks up the second notebook from the drawer and flips through* yup. Just as I suspected. Drawings of naked women
Miroku: *crying in a foreign language*
Aiko: *belts out Sumerian curse that rises out of the ceiling and a big boom echoes from the dining hall*
Sango: ...okay, now I'm a little scared too
Aiko: *clapping vigorously with a maniacal look in her eyes*
Narrator: It's gone strangely quiet up there, no gunshots or bloodcurdling screams penetrating the concrete walls anymore.
Sango: the silence is more terrifying than anything
Miroku:...yes, it is
Sango: should we investigate?
Miroku:...I don't know
Sango: well. We have time
Miroku: *digging into the other bookshelf* Hey! There's board games here!
Shippo: I WANNA PLAY CANDYLAND
Miroku: Let's play Monopoly!
Shippo: Goddamnit!
Miroku: Shippo, that's inappropriate for someone your age to say.
Shippo: Do I really have to say pussy again?
Miroku: *face turns blue*
Aiko: *staring at her funny friend's blue face*
Sango: I'm gonna let Kagome handle the parenting moment herself. *sits down on the edge of the bed flipping through one of the notebooks, not revealing which one*
Miroku: *chewing through his nails like an old typewriter*
Sango: *smiles and nods and flips a page*
Narrator: A few hours pass with Sango reading journal after journal, Miroku trying to teach Aiko not to curse people so much and Shippo not to swear so much. It goes about as well as one would think.
Sango: *shuts book* I'm bored
Miroku: *looks up at her with his bangs smoking, as Aiko has just burped lightning, which set his bangs on fire*
Miroku: I would assume so. We've been down here *glances down at ornate watch* for about five hours.
Sango: in those five hours I have absorbed every bit of research written in these journals. And also seen a lot of pictures of naked women
Miroku: And I've been sworn at more than twenty times, and the precious baby has probably cursed me about seventy-five times.
Miroku: *completely nonchalant as purple liquid drips from his eyes like a fountain*
Sango: woah, babe, are you alright?
Miroku: Yeah I think so…
Miroku: Was chicken on the menu tonight? I keep tasting chicken.
Sango: Miroku...I think you need a doctor. Err, a witch doctor.
Miroku: Maybe.
Narrator: A knock falls upon the door and Miroku tenses, and then immediately farts.
Sango: *stuffs both notebooks into her bra* who is it?
A muffled voice from behind the door: City Morgue! You stab 'em, we slab 'em!
Miroku: *sighing* It's Kagome.
Sango: *rolls eyes* hi, yes, I'd like to cremate the body of my best friend
Shippo: *races to the door and yanks it open, leaving Miroku to shriek loudly at the abundance of blood that saturates her person*
Sango: christ, Kagome, what, did you try to dye a woolly mammoth's fur? I'm joking, I know that's blood. What's up?
Kagome: Well, the fight's over, for the most part. Uhm, I don't think we'll be seeing much of the Police Chief anytime soon. Same for Nonno…
Miroku: What happened? *stands up*
Kagome: Well…. *trails off*
Sango: so nothing new *stands up* this party was like...3/10. Points for aesthetic alone
Kagome: Honestly I would have given it a 15/10
Kagome: I got booze, I got covered in blood, the Police Chief is off my ass, I nearly killed that bitch Kirara, I just had sex with Yashie in the bathroom upstairs, and I got to blow shit up. I've had the time of my life. I also released the tigers from the trap door underneath Veronica's seat on the other officers.
Sango: that's great for you, but we've been babysitting for the past five hours scared out of our wits.
Kagome: Sorry bout that! The fighting didn't stop until like twenty minutes ago. I would have come earlier, but...Yashie dick.
Sango: you only fucked for twenty minutes?
Kagome: Well he did get hit in the head by a flying entree dish.
Kagome: So after I made sure he wasn't severely concussed and wouldn't slip into a coma, I dragged him into the bathroom and basically screwed his brains out.
Sango: is everyone left alive?
Kagome: Well, Antonio's wife heard about Kirara trying to seduce him, so she first chased her around for a good while - I liked the screaming, by the way. And then she attempted to cut off his balls, but I saved them by telling her that she wouldn't be able to have the fifteen more kids she wanted without those. Nonno has a few cuts and scrapes, I think he got arrested so I'm gonna clean up, call the lawyer, and then meet up with him at the police station...Oh and Aldo got dragged into a threesome with Kirara and one of the guards before she was nearly murdered by Jackie..
Sango: ...so no one died?
Kagome: Other than the Police Chief? I don't think so...
Sango: surprising. Okay, let's go
Kagome: *turns on her heel and skips merrily down the candle-lit corridor and up the stone steps into the blood-soaked dining room*
Sango: *takes Miroku's hand* you feeling better?
Kagome: So, I called for a separate limo, and it can either take you to your house, or a witch doctor I keep on hand, because Aiko clearly did something. *takes the giggling baby from her purple-cheeked friend* Thanks for watching them by the way...
Kagome: Meanwhile, Yashie and I are taking a limo back to our penthouse, I'm taking a shower and then calling the lawyer before I check on Nonno. If you need me, please don't call. Kirara is also in the hospital, but that's because she...uh...TOOK a bit more than she could take...
Miroku: I'll be fine...I just need to puke
Sango: ...did Kirara's asshole go inside out?
Kagome: It did something, that's for sure...
Miroku: *grabs both of Sango's shoulders and his eyes go black for a few seconds then back to normal*
Kagome: Oookey then. Sango, get him to that witch doctor. Aiko, you're grounded. No more curses.
Sango: come on babe *pushing him up the stairs*
Miroku: I'm fine!
Miroku: *throws up lava on the steps like Kagome did in Sango's kitchen* Or...maybe not..
Sango: let's go
Miroku: *is forced into the waiting limo and is rushed straight to the witch doctor*
Kagome: *waving in a SLIGHTLY worried manner; turns to Aiko* What did you curse him with, damnit?
Aiko: *levitates The Necronomicon out of Kagome's purse and lightning flashes in the distance*
Kagome: Of fucking course. I should never have given her that fucking book….