Crazy Girls
Chapter 68: SOMEONE'S HALLS ARE GETTING DECKED
Narrator: 'twas the morning of Christmas, and all through Sango's house, no one was screaming, not even Kagome. She was, instead, hanging copious amounts of mistletoe at every entrance
Sango: *returns to the living room from the kitchen with some eggnog* Kagome, why is there mistletoe everywhere?
Kagome: Because, Sango, I have to hang mistletoe for my mistlefoe
Sango: and I'm going to be the one who has to clean it all up later
Miroku: it can't be that much...
Sango: I wasn't talking about the mistletoe
Kagome: Relax. I won't leave evidence.
Kagome: ...Maybe
Miroku: ...Maybe?
Sango: where is Yashie, anyway?
Kagome: At another doctor's appointment to make sure for the thirtieth time that he doesn't have a concussion
Miroku: why would he have a concussion?
Sango: you should really stop asking questions
Kagome: Remember? The baptism that ended in a gunfight with the police department? I told you Yashie got hit on the head by a flying entree dish?
Sango: oh, okay, I thought it was gonna be some weird sex thing
Kagome: Well it could have been considering that during the first appointment, I dragged him into the linen closet and rocked his world
Miroku: Kagome, please PLEASE never say that again
Kagome: Whatever boats your float, sugar tits
Kagome: *bursts out laughing and falls off the ladder*
Sango: I should have seen that coming...I need a drink
Sango: ...huh. I don't see a drink in my hand. Did your power wear off?
Kagome: *frowns and looks under her to see a broken glass* Oh.
Sango: just...please clean up after yourself
Kagome: I need a mop... *farts and a mop and a bucket appears*
Sango: okay that could be useful
Kagome: How so? Drowning Kirara?
Kirara: *from the window* Did I hear something about drowning?
Sango: *sarcastically pretends like everyone is just a normal adult* hi! Come in, come in! The door is right here, I guess you didn't see it? *soccer mom laugh*
Kagome: At least I walked in the door this time...
Miroku: No, you kicked it in while screaming that today was the day to "get fucked"
Kagome: Am I wrong though?!
Sango: you can get fucked as much as you want, just keep it out of the house
Kagome: So anywhere that isn't inside your house is fair game?
Miroku: Oh lord
Kagome: What about your neighbor's house?
Kirara: He's married and he's got a hairy chest. Me likey.
Sango: I don't really give a shit about the neighbors, I'm just trying to keep my own house clean and in one piece
Kirara: Sweet! *launches out of the window and a crash can be heard several seconds later, followed by the outraged shouts of Sango's neighbor*
Sango: ...so we won't have to worry about her for a while
Kagome: Mayhaps! *finished cleaning up, farts a new drink for Sango without being asked, slaps one more mistletoe on the last window, and grabs a vodkamelon*
Sango: you know...this eggnog has brandy in it
Kagome: Ain't strong enough. This bitch has vodka, gin, tequila I think, and something else
Sango: alright, I'm just saying...I was trying to be traditional with the brandy. I looked it up online and everything
Kagome: Whatevs. *grabs one of Sango's biggest kitchen knives and cuts herself a slice of vodkamelon
Sango: be careful with that thing...
Miroku: *tickles Aiko's feet to try to play with her*
Aiko: *burps lightning and singes his bangs again*
Miroku: *slightly on fire* so precious...
Kagome: I wish I had a fire extinguisher *farts and a fire extinguisher appears in her hands*
Kagome: *puts Miroku out from being on fire*
Miroku: *face covered in fire extinguisher froth* well. Time to shower now
Sango: ...it might be time to change out of your pajamas for the day
Kagome: Yeah probably. How long have you been in those? It's like four pm...
Miroku: *walking up the stairs to the bathroom* I just wanna be comfy!
Sango: I think we need some music *turns on Christmas music on the radio*
Shippo: *starts singing along to jingle bells at the top of his lungs* JINGLE BELLS, YASHIE SMELLS, AIKO LIKES TO FART, KAGOME DRINKS ALCOHOL LIKE IT'S A FORM OF ART
Kagome: *glares*
Shippo: JINGLE BELLS, GO TO HELL, MIROKU GETS SLAPPED, ALL HE WANTED WAS TO GET A TASTE OF SANGO'S ASS
Kagome: Jingle bells, Miroku smells, Shippo is getting grounded
Shippo: *trails off, looking frightened*
Kagome: Ka-gome is way too pissed and a dildo's up Yashie's ass! *chugs a bottle of gin*
Miroku: *stomps down the stairs wearing a full Santa suit, beard and all, and sings* jingle bells, Kaggie yelled, Sango likes to slap, Rin committed several crimes and took a bloody bath, hey!
Sango: *before she notices the suit* jingle bells, this is hell, holes in all my walls (and floors), Kirara has no control and won't leave Santa's lap!
Sango: *turns around to see her husband dressed as Santa and drops a glass* what the hell...
Kagome: Jingle bells, Roku smells, get me out of here! I'm too drunk, I smell a skunk, and Sango's in a funk!
Yashie: *kicks the door open with two bottles of tequila* Kagome! The doctor cleared me! Who wants to fuck?
Kagome: *hand shoots up in the air, her other hand holding onto the gin* ME!
Sango: *briefly diverts attention from Miroku* you two, out of the house with that!
Kagome, brightly, a bit drunk: Okay! *drags Yashie out the door and climbs on top of Sango's neighbor's roof*
Miroku: *hears clanging and looks up* ...they're on the roof
Sango: *sighs* better than being in here...aw shit, did we just get stuck babysitting again?
Miroku: *turns on the tv and both of the children are instantly transfixed*
Sango: problem solved I guess. Now...why the hell are you wearing that?
Miroku: It's the aesthetic!
Sango: the what now?
Miroku: It's the aesthetic
Sango: where the hell did you even get that? And when? And with what money? I know those things are expensive
Miroku: I got it from a custom tailor, I got it last month, and I cannot discuss the nature of my job nor where I receive my money.
Kirara: *halfway in the window, naked from the waist down* SUTRA BOI IS A PIMP DADDY!
Kirara: *shrieks as she's yanked from the window*
Miroku: *sighs as he sees a fully nude Kagome wrestling Kirara onto the front lawn and trying to choke her while Sango's neighbor clutches onto his front porch, his pants around his ankles and his shirt askew*
Sango: do I need to call the police?
Kagome: *knocks Kirara unconscious* I don't think so, no. *walks away, ignoring a woman's outraged shriek about public indecency*
Sango: cool. *cranks up Christmas music louder*
Kagome: Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell cock!
Miroku: uh, love, are you sure you want the music and the tv and the yelling all at the same time?
Sango: yes. *plops down on the couch with a tall glass of eggnog*
Kagome: *drains a glass of vodka* Lighten up, Roku!
Narrator: The doorbell rings! Who's there?
Kagome: *rockets over to the door and yanks it open with furious abandon to reveal Sesshomaru and Rin* Hi! *giggles drunkenly*
Kagome: FLUFFY! RIN! Come in, come in! Have a drink, have a smoke, don't commit any felonies!
Miroku, mostly under his breath: Like you can talk
Kagome: *turns to him with one of her deceptively bright smiles* What was that, Miroku? *hellfire blazes in her eyes*
Miroku: *gulps and hides behind Sango*
Rin: *wearing one of those Santa-esque sexy dresses with the fluff on the edges* look, Roky, we're matching
Rin: IS THERE VODKAMELON IN HERE?! *dashes into the kitchen and steals a slice*
Kagome, looking down at her own ensemble, that she put back on, of a red leather dress with white fur on the hem and black leather thigh high boots with a Santa hat: Huh...
Kagome: *shrugs and yanks a flask out of her cleavage, flicking off the cap and draining it like a sport*
Kagome: *freezes and slowly looks back down, a smirk growing on her face* Oh Fluffy~
Fluffy: Yes? What could you possibly need from me, you intoxicated half-breed?
Miroku: wait, no, maybe it's a comedy
Kagome: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) MISTLE-FOE, BITCH! *decks Sesshy in the face with a sucker punch*
Miroku: ...Annnnd maybe it's both?
Yashie: *bursts out laughing and drops to the ground*
Sesshy: *blinks, considering whether to commit one of those felonies everyone keeps talking about*
Sango: *covers the eyes of both children with her hands*
Kagome: I GOT MY MISTLEFOE! YEAH BABY!
Kirara, having woken up: FLUFFY! WANNA ASS BLAST ME?! *jumps on his back and touches his hair*
Sesshy: *turns around and floats out of the house and into the sky without a word*
Kagome, not sorry at all: I'm sorry, Fluffy! I didn't mean to hurt your sugar bear feelings!
Rin: *throws her empty vodkamelon to the side, scattering bits of melon everywhere, and flounces over to Miroku* hey Santa, can I sit on your lap?
Miroku: *scared, turns to Sango* Sangoooo, please help me, I'm uncomfortable
Sango: *aghast at the melon mess* MY BEAUTIFUL HARDWOOD FLOORS! WHYYY!
Kagome: Hey, the mop is still here!
Kagome: *gleefully cleans the mess up because she's drunk off her ass and doesn't give half a shit*
Rin: *sticks a finger in Miroku's ear and bites her lip seductively*
Miroku: *smacks her hand away* what the hell is happening
Miroku: Sango, a little help please?
Kagome: Rin! Want more vodkamelon?
Kagome: *holds slice enticingly*
Sango: *too distracted by her stained floors*
Rin: a tempting offer, Kagome, but I can just ask Santa for more
Kagome: That's not Santa. Santa is a woman.
Rin: How do YOU know?
Kagome, deadpan: Hoe hoe hoe
Rin: *suddenly overthinking* but I've always had a thing for Santa...am I...bisexual...
Kagome: You could be- *gets cut off by Miroku*
Miroku, whispers in her ear: Don't give her another existential crisis, Kagome
Kagome: *bites his finger* Get your hands off me, lecher
Sango: *finally finishes cleaning and plops back down on the couch and picks up the tv remote like nothing's going on*
Sango: *finally finishes cleaning and plops back down on the couch and picks up the tv remote like nothing's going on*
Kagome: *suddenly has the urge to go to the kitchen* Oh hey there's a turkey in the oven. Miroku, did you put a turkey in here?
Miroku: I did not...no one told me we were having turkey
Kagome: *yanks the bird out of the oven* Well, whoever put this in here has some explaining to do, because this thing was like so close to setting Sannie's house on fire.
Sango: are you sure it wasn't you then?
Kagome: I don't remember putting a damned turkey in the oven, perfectly seasoned and prepared, no.
Sango: wait, actually who put a turkey in my oven? Because I didn't
Kagome: *shrugs as she yanks the turkey out of the oven and puts it on the counter* Maybe some asshat snuck in with a turkey, prepared it, stuck it in the oven, and left
Rin: *puts a hand on Miroku's boob*
Miroku: No! Bad touch!
Rin: *frowns and doesn't remove her hand*
Miroku: *steps backward and falls, landing in Sango's lap*
Sango: well this is a bit backwards
Miroku: *whimpering ad he lays on Sango with Rin on top of him*
Kagome: *comes strolling out of the kitchen and freezes, trying to digest the scene before her* So...did Rin suggest a threeway?
Rin: what's a three way? That sounds fun
Kagome: Nothing for you. Plus Sesshy-bitch would kill me if I actually did tell you.
Rin, at the top of her lungs: I WANT A THREEWAY GODDAMNIT!
Sango: technically, she could, she's eighteen. But not with my husband
Kagome: And DEFINITELY not with my husband, either. I'd probably be forced to kill her and then Fluffy-pants would kill ME because I killed her.
Kagome: And dying just doesn't sound very fun
Sango: I'm sure Kirara would team up with her and go tackle some guy together
Miroku: why would you suggest that!
Sango: *sips eggnog nonchalantly*
Kagome: Are you drunk? Putting her with Kirara is like, the worst idea ever
Kagome: Probably on par with that one idea I had to drop one of my neighbors into a blood vortex in Guatemala...it didn't end well.
Sango: I never said it was a good idea...now will you two get off me?
Miroku: I'll get you off another time, gladly might I add
Kagome: Gross
Yashie: Dude, no
Rin: I'm hungry *grabs the knife that Kagome set down earlier*
Kagome: I'm sure there are deer somewhere out back. Sango's house has a forest past the backyard.
Rin: ...there's turkey in the kitchen...I was just gonna carve it
Kagome: I know, I just figured you'd wanna actually kill something to satisfy your bloodlust, if only temporarily. We can't have anyone dying in this house. I refuse to clean up blood.
Sango: *mutters* she already got watermelon all over the floor...blood would probably be easier to clean
Rin: *shrugs* I'm feeling lazy
Kagome: Actually you'd be surprised. I killed my last landlord in my house and it took hours to clean up, and I can still smell the blood even now
Miroku: And...when did you kill the landlord?
Kagome, deadpan: Six months ago.
Miroku: *puts arms around Sango's neck* darling...I'm scared
Kagome: Why are you scared? Not counting the Police Chief, the landlord is only the second person I've murdered.
Kagome: And besides, that demon from the retreat was the only other gruesome murder I committed. The other one was the Police Chief. Wait no, I didn't kill the Chief, Nonno did..
Sango: to be fair, Miroku, I've murdered more people than she has
Kagome: Yeah
Yashie: Are you forgetting the guy who wouldn't move when you were in labor?
Kagome: ...huh?
Miroku: I remember that! This one guy wouldn't move out of your way when we were trying to get you to the hospital because you went into labor when the band of seven cornered us in the airport
Kagome: I don't really remember committing a murder in Paris other than trying to kill that one guy at the Louve but whatever. If you say I killed someone, you're probably right.
Sango: I don't think we need to tally all of our murders right now...Rin would win
Rin: *in the kitchen carving the turkey into tiny intricate pieces, singing lullabies under her breath*
Kagome: Probably
Narrator: Suddenly, a portal opens in Sango's living room and from it steps Kohaku and Souta!
Rin: *drops knife* I smell teenage boys
Kohaku: You said you were taking us to the movie theatre!
Souta, having the decency to just barely look sheepish: Oops. I guess I messed up?
Kagome: ...Souta?
Sango: we haven't seen you two in years
Kagome: *glomps her brother in one of the biggest hugs in the century* How've ya been? Mom's been treating me like a baby because hers isn't home...
Kohaku: *eyes shifting between Sango, Miroku and Rin nervously* Hi?
Miroku: *arms outstretched* Kohaku! Come over and sit on Santa's lap!
Kagome: Miroku no. Just...no.
Miroku: What?
Kagome: Just...no.
Sango: he is nineteen years old, dumbass *pushes him off of her and goes to hug him*
Souta: Oh! Kohaku has a secret!
Kohaku: Souta no!
Sango: *releases him* oh?
Souta: Kohaku has a crush on-*gets cut off as Kohaku tackles him to the floor like a true demonslayer*
Kagome: A crush on who?
Kohaku: Souta, don't you dare!
Souta: *knocks Kohaku off of him* Rin! He has a crush on Rin! *gets tackled once more*
Kagome: *blinks* The fuck?
Narrator: And then the door flies off its hinges with Sesshomaru in the doorway, looking absolutely murderous.
Kagome: Well I guess it's not gonna be a white Christmas this year..