Crazy Girls
Chapter 70: Merry Kiss-my-ass
Sango: *stands in front of Kohaku protectively*
Kohaku: w-what's going on?
Kagome: *staring wide-eyed*
Narrator: *pans camera around Sango and Sesshomaru like it's an old western duel*
Kagome: *subtly protects Sango using a barrier*
Kagome: *saddles up next to Kohaku, grinning wildly* Hey, buddy, wanna go check out Sango's kitchen? I fucked up the floor and now it's magical. *starts whispering* I'll show you to the panic room I installed six months ago
Sango: *full-on tackles Sesshy to the ground, repeatedly punching him in the face, most of the punches being blocked but persisting anyways*
Kohaku: Sure! *is led out of the room by Kagome and shoved in a panic room*
Miroku: *completely and utterly stunned*
Sango: *just keeps punching*
Kagome: *comes back with a bottle of white wine and shoves the neck in Sesshomaru's mouth*
Sango: *stops, startled* you think that'll hold him?
Kagome: *grabs another bottle and shoves that in his mouth too* Hopefully that one too
Miroku: damn, Sesshomaru has a big mouth
Kagome: No kidding. *grabs a third bottle just in case*
Sesshy: *starts hiccuping* G-GET OFF ME! YOU-YOU SMELLY HUMANS!
Kagome: *screaming in his face* I AM A FUCKING HALF DEMON YOU STUPID FUCKING DOG! ARE YOU GODDAMNED BLIND?!
Sango: the only human one here is Mir-
Miroku: we don't need to disperse that information!
Kagome: *grabs like two more bottles because Sesshomaru's mouth just got bigger* HAVE SOME MORE LIQUOR, YOU BITCH!
Miroku: it seems you were originally trying to get him drunk, but now we're just trying to see how many bottles he can fit in his mouth...
Kagome: I wonder what else we could fit in his mouth? *smirky face*
Sango: *crosses arms* can we gag him? Not for any sexual reasons, just so he'll shut up
Kagome: OKAY! *steals Tessaiga from Yashie and Meido Zangetsuhas a portal to the afterlife* Lord Touga! We need some help with one of your idiot sons!
Yashie: Hey! *grabs Tessaiga back, glaring at her*
Touga: *shirtless as he yanks himself halfway out of the Meido, hair all messed up* Damnit Sessho! Can't you not murder someone for ten damn minutes?! Oh, hi Inuyasha! Your mother says hi! She would come in person, but...she's a bit busy...cumming.
Yashie: OH GROSS! I need a drink
Kagome: *farts and a Jager appears in his hand* I need a drink *farts again and a vodka cranberry appears in her hand*
Touga: *stares at her for several seconds* I need a drink
Kagome: *glares at him and then farts, and a Sex on the Beach appears in his hand*
Touga: Holy shit! Keep that girl, son!
Sango: where's my brother?!
Kagome: Hiding!
Miroku: *looks at Sesshomaru, trying to calculate how many more bottles might fit*
Sesshomaru: *looks up at his father with pleading yet angry eyes*
Touga: *puts his drink down* Don't give me that look, boy. I'm busy. WAS busy being balls deep in my woman. *smirks as Inuyasha gags in the background* And I don't have time to deal with you and your pissy issues. Stop killing so many people, and deal with this on your own. I'm serious about the killing! The afterlife is damned full now! It takes four years to get a reservation for the best restaurant up here now thanks to you and your homicidal tendencies!
Sesshomaru: *manages to spit out two of the bottles* but daddy!
Touga: Nope! Don't make me take your swords away!
Kagome, under her breath: What swords?
Sesshy: *turns his head to her, eyes red* Hey!
Kagome: *looks away with a smirk*
Sesshy: *trying really hard to be composed* father, the puny human boy wishes to court my princess, a powerful demonic sorceress. I hardly think your ability to get a table at a restaurant is as alarming an issue
Everyone else: *looks to Touga for a response, eyes wide*
Touga: Son, until you're standing behind upwards of six thousand FUCKING people when all you want is to eat some pasta and maybe fuck your woman in the bathroom, then YES it is an issue. *grabs the Tenseiga, and the Tokijin, AND the Bakusaiga* You can have these back when I decide you've learned your lesson about interrupting me when I'm having sex with your step-mother. *grins once more as Inuyasha actually throws up this time* Your "princess" is what? Eighteen now? And she's magical? With a damned chainsaw? She can take care of herself. Calm down. *turns to Kagome* I think I saw a man in the afterlife cursing about breadsticks and he mentioned your name.
Kagome, jumping up and down and clapping like a child: DADDY!
Sesshomaru: *sheepishly puts the two bottles of wine back in his mouth and sulks off like an emo kid*
Touga: That's what I thought. Bye Inuyasha, bye Inuyasha's wife! *disappears into the Meido*
Sango: now where the hell is Kohaku?
Kagome: The panic room I installed in your house six months ago!
Sango: oh, okay, so he's safe...the wHAT
Kagome: The panic room! *drags her into the kitchen, opens one of the bottom cupboards and leads her down a long winding hallway to a steel door and opens it to show Kohaku*
Sango: oh hey Kohaku! Kagome, what the FUCK?