Chapter 71: Unholy Matrimony
Kagome: Sango honey, if you cry, I'm not redoing your makeup.
Kirara, grinning wildly: I'll redo it!
Kagome: Hell. No.
Kagome: I'm sorry, but she has to look like she hasn't been riding his dick since we got back from Paris. She can't do that if YOU redo her makeup. She'll look like a whore.
Kirara: *completely unbothered* She'd be a high-priced looking whore though. *looks around the room and notices the lack of both fires and alcohol* Are you sober, Kagome?
Kagome, glaring at her: Yes I am, thank you. I would much rather remember seeing my best friend get married, even if it is to a sex-crazed dumbass.
Kagome: *grunts and finally gets Sango's dress zipped up* Sango, who paid for your dress again? I know it was one of us but I really can't remember in between all the booze and the car dildos and shit.
Kirara: Don't forget the vodkamelon.
Kagome, deadpan: Ah yes, the vodkamelon. Mustn't forget that..
Sango: *sighs* I was as drunk as you were. But why do you think I'd cry at my own wedding?
Kagome: Upon realizing you're marrying Miroku?
Kirara: Ouch!
Kagome: I didn't mean it that way, you jackass! I just meant that you're in love with him and can finally stop him from being a pervert towards other women
Kagome: Christ, if you make me break my sobriety today, I will drown you myself. And it will NOT be pretty.
Sango: since when the fuck are you sober?
Kagome: Since today, sweetie. I promised myself I would be alcohol-free for the entirety of your wedding
Sango: interesting...I'll take it. No alcohol for you.
Kagome: Then make sure I don't murder her. *points at Kirara*
Sango: I can't control what my bridesmaids do, Kagome. Now, am I almost ready?
Kagome: Just about. *secures her veil on her head*
Souta: *pops his head in* Hey! So Kohaku managed to find a panic room somewhere in the church and he's hiding there until Sesshomaru stops trying to kill him.
Kagome, snarling: Again?! *yanks a knife out of her cleavage* I AM GOING TO TEACH THAT STUBBORN FUCKING DOG A LESSON HE'LL NEVER FORGET! *races out of the room at full tilt*
Sango: KAGOME WHAT THE HELL
Kirara: Can I go?! I wanna see!
Sango: *sigh* maybe she put this veil on a minute too early
Sango: you can...WAIT. I have another job for you
Sango: a really, really important job
Kirara: Aww man!
Sango: it's absolutely crucial for my happiness in this wedding, Kirara
Kirara: Fiiine. *stands up and a very high slit can be seen in her dress, one that wasn't there when it was bought*
Sango: *chooses to ignore it because there's no use arguing* Kirara, I need you to obtain Sesshomaru's fluff for me
Kirara: SO I DO GET TO SEE KAGOME KILL HIM! *hugs Sango tightly and races out of the room at top speed*
Sango: *shouts* or use Kagome as a distraction!
Narrator: Meanwhile, on the other side of the church venue!
Kagome: SESSHOMARU! GET OUT HERE YOU COWARDLY BASTARD! I WILL SKIN YOU AND TURN YOUR NUTSACK INTO A COIN PURSE IF YOU LAY A CLAW ON THAT BOY!
((Fire: Out of context, this sounds VERY bad XD
Kirara: *smirks* target acquired *vision set on the fluff but then shifts towards Sesshomaru's crotch*
Kagome: Kirara, sweetie, do you happen to have a REASON FOR BEING IN MY WAY OF NEUTERING THAT ANNOYING BASTARD?! GET YOUR SLUT IDIOT FACE AWAY FROM HIS COOTIE-INFECTED CROTCH!
Kirara: I'm on a mission!
Kagome: A mission for dick maybe! Find someone else to seduce! Someone that isn't Miroku! Or my husband!
Kirara: are there any, like, hot wedding guests? WAIT, NO, I'M ON A MISSION FOR THE FLUFF
Kagome: Package fluff? *tries to stab Sesshomaru*
Kirara: Nope! But thanks for distracting him! *grabs the fluff and runs off at full tilt* SESSHOMARU I WILL BE BACK FOR YOUR GLORIOUS PANTS SURPRISE
Kagome: *staring for several seconds* What the fuck?
Sesshomaru: *mutters* fucking mortals
Kagome: Language, you dick! We're in a fucking church and you can't just go around swearing every-fucking-where you fucking moron! What the fuck is wrong with you?
Sesshomaru: who's the idiot that let YOU set foot inside a church?
Kagome, grinning like a moron: Sango of course. And she'll just be bouncing in her damn seat when I tell her you asked what "idiot" let me in a church, my dear fuckface. *skips off merrily* AND IF YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT MURDERING KOHAKU, I WILL CUT YOUR FUCKING BALLS OFF AND MAKE YOU DRINK THEM!
Kirara: *drapes the fluff around Sango's shoulders*
Sango: YAY! Okay NOW I can get married
Kagome: *runs back in the room* Guess who just called you an idiot?
Sango: the old owner of my new accessory?
Kagome: Yes!
Sango: well...he's not getting this back then
Kagome: He asked what idiot allowed me in a church. I told him not to swear.
((Fire: She's leaving a lot of detail out XD
Sango: you can punish him if you'd like...after the wedding. No bloodstains.
Kagome: Fire exists to destroy bloodstains, my dear Sannie-poo. *devilish grin*
Narrator, wearing a very ruffled and frilly dress shirt and tapered pants: meanwhile, in Miroku's dressing room…
Yashie: Miroku, will you fucking chill out?
Miroku: how can I chill out when there's already fighting going on?!
Yashie: Do what I do and practice blackout drinking
Shippo: I don't think that's good for you, dad
Miroku: *pacing* I can hear yelling from the main part of the church! Why are we in a church anyway?! I'M BUDDHIST
Miroku: I should go out there. But what if I see Sango in her dress too early? Wait wHY WOULD SANGO BE OUT THERE IS SHE OKAY
Yashie: *sighs and stands up* Miroku shut up and sit down or so help me I'll shove these claws SO FAR UP YOUR ASS!
Sesshomaru, opening the door, missing his fur pelt and sporting a hole cut into his shirt above his chest: Inuyasha, I demand you gain control of your mate and her prostitute of a friend
Yashie: What the hell did she do this time?
Miroku: WHO ARE YOU CALLING A PROSTITUTE?!
Shippo: relax, Ro, he obviously meant Kirara
Sesshomaru: She attempted to attack me, because I was searching for his *points to Miroku* fiancee's brother so I may murder him for his crush on my Rin
Sesshomaru: And then the cat demon prostitute stole my fluff from me while your mate tried to stab me.
Miroku: *sighs* is anyone hurt? *and then under his breath* aside from your ego...
Yashie: *snickers*
Sesshomaru: *aims a glare at both* No, neither his drunken mate nor the prostitute are harmed.
Miroku: but your shirt is torn…
Yashie: I'm fairly sure Kagome is totally sober today. She said something about wanting to be sober when Sango got married, even if it was to him *jerks his thumb at Miroku*
Shippo: I'll go get him a new one! *scurries off*
Sesshomaru: Yes, I just told you. *looks at him like he's a very stupid bug* The half-breed's wife attempted to stab me. She only succeeded in stabbing the shirt
Miroku: alright, we'll get it fixed, it's fine, it's fine *starts pacing again*
Yashie: *eyebrow starts twitching* Miroku, what the fuck did I just tell you about the goddamned pacing?
Shippo: *returns* so...slight problem...
MIroku: what else could possibly be wrong?!
Yashie: *groans and buries his head in his hands*
Shippo: Kirara cut holes in the nipple part of all the extra shirts *holds one up for example*
Yashie: *slowly, ever so slowly, lifts his head, and then starts laughing*
Miroku: *groans and buries his head in his hands like Yashie did a moment ago*
Narrator: The door opens and the pastor is there, looking around at the group.
Pastor: Um, Mister Houshi?
Miroku: *lifts head warily* that would be me
Pastor: There is a slight...problem.
Pastor: See, one of the ladies from the bridal party is demanding to see the one known as Sesshomaru, and the Maid of Honor is attempting to wrestle the woman to the ground to keep her from leaving the room. And the other bridesmaid, the one with the chainsaw, is harassing one of the staff.
Narrator: the sound of Sango's door slamming open echoes throughout the church, and she can be heard yelling threateningly at everyone causing havoc, resulting in a dead silence from all parties
Yashie:...someone wanna check on that?
Shippo: Why don't you?
Yashie: How about I send you?
Shippo: *shuts up with a terrified squeak*
Sango: *standing next to the doorway without looking in* BOYS―hi darling, I'm sure you look amazing, I'm so excited for this―YASHIE. SHIPPO. GET EVERYTHING SET UP. SESSHOMARU. PUT ON A NEW SHIRT I DON'T CARE IF WE CAN SEE YOUR NIPPLES YOU'RE SO PALE THEY'LL BLEND IN
Yashie: *sighs wordlessly and stands up to collect his wife* Is my wife covered in blood yet?
Sesshomaru: *glaring at the doorway as if to incinerate it*
Sango: *turns on her heel and stalks back to her dressing room* you all have five minutes to get your shit together.
Miroku: *falls over on his face like one of those comical anime scenes where the guy is just totally exasperated*
Yashie: Miroku, if you start pacing again, so help me my shoe will go up your ass today *leaves the room*
Miroku: *dusts himself off* positions, everyone!
Yashie: *stalking the halls of the church* KAGOME! YOU AIN'T DEAD YET, ARE YA?!
Closet next to him: *several loud thumps*
Yashie: The hell? *opens the door*
Kagome, trying to strangle Kirara while bound and gagged* Mhmhmhmhmhmh mhmhmmmmhmmmhm
Kirara: YASH- IE- *reaches arm out for help very dramatically*
Yashie: *pretends to reach in and help her but just ungags Kagome* Is there any reason you're strangling her, babe?
Kagome: It's her fucking fault I was even bound and gagged, goddamnit! If she had just kept her stupid slut urges to herself, I wouldn't have had to tackle her dumb ass!
Rin: *runs over to them, holding her chainsaw* GUYS! I bound all the guests to their seats so they can't get up! Now's our chance to start this thing!
Kirara: Y-your ki-inks! *chokes as Kagome's grip on her neck tightens*
Kagome: You shut the fuck up! *turns to Rin* Are you sure they can't move?
Rin: well, yeah, I'm pretty good at what I do *shrugs*
Kagome: *finally slowly releases her grip on Kirara's neck* Fine. And you *turns back to Kirara* If you mess this day up for Sango, so fucking help me, I will make you wish you were never born. Understood?
Kirara: of course. Now...all the guests are tied up?
Kagome, snarling: Kirara….
Yashie: Kirara I'm fairly sure if you try to seduce or assault any of the guests, both Sango and Kagome will literally kill you. Like for real.
Kagome: I definitely will. Gladly, might I add.
Kirara: okay, okay, fine. I'll wait until the reception.
Kagome, sighing heavily as Yashie unties her hands: Well I think that's as good as we're gonna get with her
Kagome: Let's just go. I'd hate to have to commit a felony today of all days.
Miroku: *slides over to them, arms linked with the priest* are you guys ready?! Kagome, fix your hair, it's a little messy. It's time! *slides away again*
Kagome, glaring as she straightens her hair: The minute they get back from their honeymoon, I'm sending him to the hospital.
Yashie: I'm kinda counting on it.
Narrator: They all get to the big part of the church and make their way down the aisle, Kagome waving when she sees Sango's father.
Miroku: *whispers to Inuyasha* are all of our guests tied to their chairs or am I hallucinating?
Yashie, whispering back: Rin tied them down to keep them from leaving until the service is done.
Miroku, nodding like it's perfectly normal: Ah
Kagome, whisper-yelling from the other side: Kirara if you don't stop trying to sneak around me to feel up Sesshomaru, I will give you a free fucking hysterectomy.
Kirara, pouting: But I can see his nipples! *points at his pasty white nipples through the holes in his dress shirt*
Kagome: And who's fault is that? Maybe if you hadn't cut all the shirts, you wouldn't be getting tormented by seeing his pasty ass nipples.
Sango: *appears at the end of the aisle, pretending she doesn't know everyone is whispering*
Miroku: *quite nearly gets a massive nosebleed but sucks it back in*
Kagome, thinking: That can't be healthy
Sango: *finally reaches the stage and stands across from Miroku*
Pastor, tied to the stage and sweating profusely: Dearly beloved, we are g-gathered here today to witness the joining of Sango Taijiya and Miroku Houshi.
Kagome, secretly recording the entire wedding on two hidden cameras, one of which is attached to her dress: *fighting to keep from killing Kirara*
MirSan: *just smiling at each other*
The wedding guests: *fake smiles all around*
Narrator: The pastor says all his stuff, lets Sango and Miroku give their vows, and then does the thing about 'forever hold your peace'.
Pastor: If no one has any reason why these two should not be wed, then by the power vested in me *under his breath* thank you Vegas *at normal volume* I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may kiss the bride!
Sango: *flings herself at Miroku and kisses him well enough to drown out everything else in the room*
Miroku: *squeezes her as tightly as he can*
Rin: *looks at the crowd threateningly* clap.
The crowd, tears streaming down their faces: *clap warily*
Kagome: And I didn't have to murder anyone..
Kohaku: *crying while hiding behind Inuyasha*
Kirara: *scanning the crowd for hot (or old and married) guys* well, there's still the reception
Kagome: Kirara if I have to murder you at any point within the next twenty-four hours, I swear to every god in this forsaken universe, you will not reincarnate at all. Do you hear me?
Kirara: *licks lips* well what if it's consensual?
Kagome: Kirara do not bother testing me with technicalities and whatnot. I am not in the mood and I have been craving blood for the past sixteen hours.
Kirara: I just want to 3 be loved 3 *heart eyes*
Kagome: What you want is to fuck.
Kirara: what I want is...him. *points to a guy in the very back corner of the room*
Kagome: *straining to look* Who the fuck is that supposed to be?
Kagome, a second later: Were they even invited?
Kirara: well, if they weren't invited, wouldn't I not be breaking any rules?
Kagome: Tell ya what; if they aren't a guest, you can take them and leave as soon as Sango and Miroku are out of the church. How's that?
Kirara: *practically drooling* that's fine with me
Sango: hey, Kagome, where's the reception being held?
Kagome: *smirking* I pulled some strings and got a special someone to rent a place out for us.
Kagome, leaning over to whisper in Sango's ear so Kirara can't hear her: Nonno rented the place out for us. It's that big ass ballroom place near the courthouse.
TBC