Crazy Girls chapter 72: Plot Hole Resurrections
Narrator: At the reception! *looks down to glass in hand* This is good Prosecco
Kagome, downing as much tea as she can while glaring at a gloriously drunk Kirara: :(
Sesshomaru: *spots the Prosecco and snags a whole bottle, shrugging as he removes the cap with his nails* she owes me
Kagome: *glares at Sesshomaru as well, both for his transgressions against Kohaku and for him exploiting alcohol while she can't*
Kirara: *giggling uncontrollably even through her speaking* have you seen Miroku?
Kagome: I think I saw him by the bathroom earlier?? He seemed like he was finally calming down from his anxiety attack
Kirara: *still giggling but somehow seems concerned* why was the pretty man having an anxiety attack?
Kagome: Because people like you were fucking up the wedding. Speaking of, what the hell is wrong with you? First you cut the nipples off Sesshomaru's shirt, and then you try to sneak around me at the wedding to try and fuck him.
Kirara: *STILL giggly* I don't wanna fuck him anymore...he's not as hot without the fluff...I'm looking for fresh meat.
Kagome: Oh my god. You know what? Do you remember that one person you spotted after Miroku and Sango kissed at the wedding? Find that person if they're here. Go ahead and fuck them in the bathroom. Or the closet.
Kirara: well...I really wanted to fuck Miroku...cuz the thrill is the highest right after they get married……….but that's a great idea! I'm gonna go find him! *darts off*
Kagome, suddenly realizing she's really fucking hungry: *rockets out of her seat and dashes off after her*
Sango: *stops Kagome, a little tipsy* DUDE your mom is killing it on the dance floor!!!
Kagome: Yeah uh-huh that's great I gotta go I need food! You look wonderful, I love you, I'm glad you're married and happy but I need you to kindly fuck off for the moment! *rushes around her and disappears*
Sango: oh, okay! *spots Sesshomaru* hey, Sesshy! Have you seen Roku? I've looked everywhere for him
Sesshomaru: *nursing his Prosecco bottle and murmuring under his breath about his lost fluffy, crying softly*
Sango: *still wearing the fluff and looks down at it, then feels bad and drapes it around his shoulders* it's okay, I was getting too hot anyway
Sesshomaru: *looks up at her all hopefully, his face all blotchy and red from crying* I-is that..?
Sango: *gives it back to him all cheery-faced*
Sango: wait, please don't kill me
Sesshomaru: *too drunk to kill her even if he tried*
Sango: *realizes his nipples are still out and has to get away before she starts cackling* okay enjoy the wine gotta go bye!
Sesshomaru: *ignores her entirely and focuses solely on the alcohol*
Shippo: *spots Sango from where he's seated with his dad and Aiko, coloring* Hey Sango! I saw Miroku a few minutes ago by the bathroom and he looked really tired.
Inuyasha: *is face-down on the table as Aiko spits random Sumerian curses at people who walk by*
Sango: okay I'll check there in a minute...what's wrong with Inuyasha?
Shippo: Aiko won't stop cursing people so he's blackout drunk again
Aiko: *curses a random green-haired man as he walks by, clapping her hands and giving a horrifically evil smile*
Sango: well...I would say that's bad parenting...but Aiko can clearly handle herself
Shippo: You can say that again
Sango: hey Shippo, I have a plan. Bring Miroku out here in two minutes and make sure he can see the dance floor. *runs off*
Shippo: Aiko, can you watch dad while I go fetch the groom?
Aiko: *claps vigorously, levitating the Necronomicon out of Kagome's purse*
Shippo: Sounds good! *runs away to find Miroku*
Miroku: *sitting outside the bathroom on the floor just totally dazed and staring at the ceiling*
Shippo: Oh there you are Miroku!
Miroku: *doesn't turn his head to look at him* Shippo? Is that you? Am I hearing things?
Shippo: What? No, you aren't hearing things. What's wrong? You got married to Sango today!
Miroku: *snaps out of it* oh. Hi Shippo! Have you seen my lovely wife?
Shippo: I saw her a little earlier. She asked me to find you. And so here I am!
Miroku: oh I guess I haven't exactly been looking for her have I? *stands up*
Shippo: Yeah I guess s- *suddenly gets cut off by the beginning notes of Caramelldansen blasting through the venue*
Miroku: *perks up* what is that enchanting melody...is that…
Miroku: *bolts to the dance floor*
Sango: *on the dance floor with no shoes; holds out her hand to her husband* come on! It's almost the dancing part!
Miroku: *eagerly grabs her hand, his eyes sparkling like stars*
Narrator: as the speakers blasted the Swedish bop as loud as they could, the two newlyweds launched into the hallmark dance of the early 2000s
Kagome, wanders over with a plate piled high with food: Hey guys what's going on? I heard Caramelldansen come on, so I thought Sango found Miroku
Narrator: As the happy couple are dancing, the doors to the reception hall are suddenly thrown wide open, revealing a figure cast in light. The light fades to reveal a tall, mysterious figure with long teal hair.
Kagome, suddenly foaming at the mouth and her eyes turn red: Who the fuck are you, dickless? *snarling with foam dripping down her lips like a rabid dog...wait she is one*
Figure: I see that half-breeds are plagued with insufficient memories. Since you obviously do not recognize me, I am- *suddenly interrupted by Kirara*
Kirara: *slides right between them facing the figure* it's you! I've been looking for you! Wanna fuck?
Figure: No, youkai woman. I have no desire to engage in sexual relations with anyone, much less someone so undignified as yourself. My name is- *gets cut off by Kagome*
Kagome: If you're here to hit on the bride I can assure you she can kick your teeth so far down your throat you'll need to put a toothbrush up your ass just to brush.
Sango: *frozen in dance position with Miroku* yeah I'll kick your teeth in! But I don't know who you are.
Figure, apparently fed up: I am Menomaru of the Moth Youkai Clan and I am here to kill you all.
Miroku, also frozen in dance position:...But didn't we kill you like a while ago?
Sango: they keep coming back...plot holes and such
Kirara: lemme see your face!!! Wait no, lemme see the rest of you!!!
Menomaru, ignoring Kirara: Do prepare yourselves for your timely demise, mortals.
Kagome, already lunging at him with her arms outstretched and her eyes red: SHUT THE FUCK UP
Kagome: *suddenly gets tackled to the floor by Kirara and winds up on her back with the cat demon on top of her*
Sango: Kirara! What are you doing??
Kirara: I WANNA FUCK HIM
Kagome, snarling: KIRARA GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME! *looks down and notices Kirara's hips are on her own and her struggles increase* SERIOUSLY! I DON'T WANT YOUR SKANK ASS VAGINA AREA ON ME! I BET YOUR RIDDLED WITH DISEASES!
Kirara, pouting: But I told you I'm completely clean!
Kagome: My fine hot ass, you are! Get off of me so I can choke the life out of him!
Kirara: Kinky. So does that mean you're a top? *suddenly gets a karate chop to the side of the throat by Kagome*
Kagome, all but throwing the cat demon off of her: Neither, you whore! *races towards the demon man while scary fucking magic roils around her threateningly*
Kirara: *pouts* I just wanted moth man to fuck me silly
Kagome: *trying to stab Menomaru in the face with a magic lightning bolt*
Sango: get 'im, Kagz!!!
Sesshomaru: *drunk off his ass and not reading the room* is it time for cake yet?
Kagome: SESSHOMARU YOU WILL GET CAKE IF YOU HELP ME KILL THIS BASTARD!!!
Sesshomaru: *finally notices Menomaru* OH, easy *clumsily stands up and launches across the room surprisingly gracefully with his claws drawn*
Kagome, grinning like a fool: THAT'S RIGHT SESSHY-PIE, YOU GET ALL THE CAKE YOU WANT AS LONG AS YOU ASSIST ME IN MURDERING THIS BITCH
Sesshy: *slams a wine bottle onto Menomaru's head* I WANT FUCKING CAKE
Kagome: *shoves a stray glass shard up Menomaru's ass* YOU GET CAKE
Kirara: *staring at Menomaru's ass* HE'S GOT CAKE
Kagome: *kicks Menomaru in the face like seven times* THIS IS FOR USING A SHARD AND A FUCKING FLUTE LEAF TO MAKE ME HURT MY OLD FRIEND AND STAB MY FUCKING HUSBAND, YOU DICK!!
Kirara: *gets a nosebleed* wait fUck my dress!
Sango: *downs a glass of wine* is he dead yet?
Kagome: *pulls a stick of dynamite out of her dress* He will be!
Sesshomaru: *easily cuts off Menomaru's arm, spraying blood everywhere* SEE, LITTLE BROTHER?! I CAN DO IT TOO!!!
Inuyasha: *still face-down on his table*
Sango: YOU HAD THAT THE WHOLE TIME?!
Kagome:...MAYHAPS! *jumps on Menomaru's shoulders and uses her blood and wine-soaked hands to pry his mouth open before shoving the dynamite stick down his throat*
Kirara: *nosebleed intensifies*
Sango: IF SOMEONE *cough* rin *cough* HAD SET A FIRE, YOU COULD'VE BEEN BLOWN UP
Miroku: where is she, anyway?
Kagome: RIN IS IN THE BATHROOM!
Kagome: *trying to scratch Menomaru's eyes out while she's on his shoulders because she might as well*
Shippo: *pretending everything is okay and his mother totally isn't murdering someone*
Aiko: *clapping and grinning like a devil while spitting out Sumerian curses at Menomaru, the Necronomicon levitating next to her*
Miroku: how the fuck is he still alive?
Kagome, grabbing an automatic lighter from her dress and shoving it down his throat too* LIGHT, FUCKER
Sango: guys...guys...I don't think he's fighting back at all...is he even still alive…
Kagome, finally getting the lighter to light: DOES IT MATTER? *jumps off Menomaru's shoulders and casts a barrier to keep the explosion with Menomaru alone*
Menomaru: *wobbling on his feet unsteadily, missing an arm, and possesses several blackened areas of skin from lightning, stab wounds, and Kagome's vicious attacks*
Menomaru: *suddenly stops wobbling, and then blows up into a million messy, bloody pieces*
Miroku: *shields himself and his bride with his suit jacket*
Kirara: *practically orgasming*
Kagome, laughing triumphantly while covered head-to-toe in blood: Now who wants cake?
Sesshy: *practically tackles her* ME!
Sango: go ahead, cut the cake. DJ! Get the music going again!
DJ: *about to continue playing Caramelldansen when Kirara jumps on the dance floor and Sexy Back by Justin Timberlake starts playing suddenly*
DJ: *is confused in zero dialogue*
Kagome: *leaps onto the dance floor and lunges for Kirara's neck as the music changes to Britney Spears's Baby One More Time*
Sango: *kisses Roku on the cheek* I'm gonna go get some cake
Miroku: bring me some! *starts dancing along with Kagome*
Kagome: *still strangling Kirara* I have the portal ready for whenever you two wanna escape! I'll take care of this shit once you're both gone! *resumes killing Kirara while dancing on the floor that Menomaru died on, not caring about the blood stains*
Sango: *returns with two plates of all three types of cake* lemme finish eating first
Sesshomaru: *eating his seven slices of cake in a corner while sobbing to himself*
Miroku: *starts scarfing down the cake while dancing* THIS IS SO FUCKING GOOD
Kagome: You can thank Kanna for that.
Rin: HEY GUYS! Don't go in the ladies room okay? :)
Kagome, without even looking up or really caring: You got it, dude. I don't even wanna ask.
Rin: need any help with the honeymoon portal?
Kagome, intensely: No!
Kagome: You'll kill them!
Rin: I was just offering my assistance!
Kagome: Into an early grave maybe! You stay far away from the portal! Just go kill someone outside for all I care!
Rin: *crosses her arms and pouts but then spots Jaken all the way across the room, takes off her heels, and pushes them into Kagome's hand before speed-walking off, eyes sparkling*
Kagome, looking down at the shoes: Uhh...
Sango: okay I'm ready for you to open the portal!
Miroku: *smiles at her* I second that
Kagome, ignores the shoes and drops them on the floor: Okay! *walks them over to where the portal is waiting in another room under heavy guard detail*
Kagome: All you have to do is step through this and you'll be in Paris, no sweat. You don't even have to worry about getting back because there's a pre-programmed return portal!
Miroku: *drapes his suit jacket around Kagome's shoulders before scooping Sango up bridal style* thanks, Kagome
Kagome: *grins brightly* No problem! Now I'm gonna go clean up the mess Sesshy and I made murdering Menomaru! *skips off merrily* Happy honeymoon!
Sango: *kisses Miroku forcefully* let's go!
Miroku: *grins, teary-eyed, and hops into the portal, holding Sango tightly*
Fire: This chapter is dedicated to Kirby Morrow, a wonderful, hilarious man who voiced many a great character. This is for you, Miroku's english dub actor. I hope you're with the Voice-Over gods in the heavens.