Crazy Girls
Chapter 75: Blood & Sex & Bluetooth & Swerving
Narrator: *peaking out of Sango's closet* after an interesting two weeks in alternate-Paris, the newly wedded couple reluctantly return to the portal at the time they had been informed it would open and are transported back to their own home without much trouble *pulls closet door shut*
Sango: *dives out of the portal and lands on her bed*
Miroku: *follows suit and lands sprawled in Sango's arms*
Sango: well that was significantly smoother than last time
Miroku: *straightens himself out* I guess I'll give her points for that. However, I'm still a tad angry about the doppelganger situation.
Sango: yeah…I'll handle it myself, don't worry. But luckily, even though we're back, we can still spend time alone together
Miroku: oh yeah, there are no crazy people knocking on our door *kisses her*
Sango: *hears her phone buzz from her nightstand* oh, right, I left that here *checks it* it's just a spam email…hold on, look at this; it's a text from Inuyasha *unlocks her phone*
Miroku: *leans his chin on her shoulder from behind to see*
Narrator: *now under the bed* the text reads something along the lines of "NEAD YOUR HEPS CONE BACJ KAG IS SCARUG NE," followed by "NEED YIU TI CINE WATHC AIKO WHUKE I SORT THOS OUT"
Miroku: that doesn't sound good…
Sango: wait, this is dated 57 days ago, why didn't I see it before we left?
Miroku: *swipes down on her phone to show the date* uh, love, it looks like we've been gone for nearly two months
Sango: WHAT? IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE TWO WEEKS
Miroku: *sighs* she must have fucked up the time ratio when she created the alternate world
Sango: well if this was two months ago I'm sure they've sorted it out by now: it's probably just another average Kagome shenanigan
Miroku: but what if Aiko is in trouble? You know Inuyasha would never admit that Kagome is scaring him, even under threat of a dildo to the back door. Something must be truly wrong
Sango: I'm sure Aiko is fine
Miroku: but what if she isn't? What if she's DEAD
Sango: love, you know Aiko can willingly burst into flames and shoot lightning, right? She was fortunately born with powers that help her survive her crazy mother's antics
Miroku: can we pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease just go check?
Sango: *sighs* fine, but you're gonna be hearing an "I told you so," and you know the rest of our peaceful day will be ruined
Miroku: *suddenly already wearing his coat and shoes* you know we never get peaceful days
Narrator: *peaking out of the doorway of one of Inuyasha' neighbors* and so the two newlyweds find themselves knocking on the door of the Higurashi penthouse, having no clue what they were about to discover
Inuyasha: *from inside, words slurred together* come in
Miroku, sharing a cautious look with Sango: *slowly opens the door…to reveal the messiest state the penthouse had ever been in, including dirty food plates covering every surface, piles of clothes on the floor, and most-notably empty bottles of liquor strewn about the place*
Sango: Inuyasha? Where are you?
Miroku, holding back a shiver as a rat the size of a Dominos take-out container scurries across the room: My friend? You sent us a message - or seven - asking us to take care of Aiko?
Inuyasha: *walks out of the kitchen holding a half-empty bottle of vodka and a moldy muffin* well it took you two long enough to get here
Inuyasha: *unphased as he trips over a box full of empty vodka bottles and lands at his friends' feet*
Miroku, trying to ignore the overwhelming smell of "I haven't showered in at least two weeks" coming off his friend with a vengeance: Where is Kagome? You mentioned she was scaring you?
Inuyasha: *suddenly bursts into tears*
Miroku: *takes a startled step back*
Sango: *gives Miroku a concerned look before returning her attention to the sobbing hanyou* hey, what the hell is going on?
Inuyasha: *barely able to speak through his sobbing*
Narrator: *on top of the fridge* More accurately, he can't speak through the sobbing at all. All the couple can really understand is "Kagome", "disappeared", and something they swear sounded like "sex cult".
Miroku: Sorry, repeat that? Did you just say "sex cult" in relation to your very committed, if deranged, mate whom you have two children with?
Inuyasha, his face red and fully wet with tears and also vodka: YES YOU ASSHOLE! I said Kagome disappeared to hang out with some guy at this fuckin sex cult!
Sango: where are Shippo and Aiko?
Miroku, now fully alarmed: By Mushin's sake she didn't take them with her did she?!
Sango: *stays calm because she honestly isn't surprised even though everyone else is*
Inuyasha: No, I brought them over to her mom's house so I could worry without scaring them.
Inuyasha: But that isn't the fuckin point, lecher! My mate is gone and doing fuck knows what at some forsaken fuckin cult where people just fuck all day or something!
Inuyasha: Of all cults to join it had to be a fucking sex cult! *proceeds to break down into tears again*
Sango: hey, okay, let's just...go find her and bring her back! She might be crazy, but she's so…independent, I doubt she fell under whatever charismatic spell this cult leader is using
Inuyasha: *looking up at her with shiny gold eyes even as his nose dribbles snot on the already dirty floor* Really?
Sango: yeah, why not, I'm sure we can just go slap some sense into her. And I do mean that literally.
Miroku: *wondering if that encounter will end in a hospital visit*
Miroku: Do you know where she is, Yash?
Inuyasha: Not really, all she really said was she wasn't packing much clothes cause she *tears up* wouldn't need them
Miroku: *rushing to reassure him before he sobs again*
Sango: hmmm… *picks up a pamphlet from the coffee table that reads "SEX CULT"* maybe, just a hunch, it's this place
Inuyasha: Oh, you're probably right. Wait was that there the whole time?
Sango: *reading the pamphlet* well this is the stupidest thing I've ever seen…unfortunately it doesn't seem to say the exact location
Miroku, suddenly having an idea: Wait, Sango, didn't you put a tracker on her after the zoo incident so you'd always know where she was?
Sango: oh yeah! I microchipped her like people do with their dogs *pulls out her phone to check* this is saying she's in the middle of the woods
Miroku, ignoring the dog quip because it's honestly not that far off: Somehow I saw that coming
Miroku: Well my fine alcoholic friend, feel like saving your mate?
Inuyasha: *suddenly already wearing his coat and shoes and standing by the door, still holding the bottle of vodka* we better fucking save her
Sango: *follows him out the door* why do people keep doing that…
Narrator: *in Sango's trunk* All three rush to the car and hop in, Inuyasha literally.
Miroku: How can he be so unphased after hitting his head on the dashboard AND the steering wheel?
Sango: he's just blinded by love, I guess? And probably rage. And he's drunk
Miroku: True but still. *hops into the backseat* Nice form on that swan dive, Inuyasha. The Olympics could use you.
Inuyasha: CAN YOU TWO FUCKING STOP FLIRTING AND GO?!
Sango: ALRIGHT I'M GOING *steps hard on the gas pedal, causing Inuyasha's head to slam into the back of his seat*
Inuyasha: Jesus fucking christ, Sango!
Sango: put your fucking seatbelts on or I'll slam on the breaks too
Miroku: *fastening his belt with a smile*
Inuyasha: *stubbornly clicks seatbelt into place*
Sango: Miroku, can you read the directions off my phone *swerves as to not run over a pedestrian crossing a busy street* THERE'S A FUCKING CROSSWALK LIKE SIX FEET AWAY, ASSHOLE, DO YOU HAVE A DEATHWISH? *turns attention back to Miroku* please?
Miroku, completely ignoring the road rage as he did much worse back in Paris: Sure love
Inuyasha: what the fuck, Sango, can you try not to commit vehicular manslaughter right now? We have more pressing matters at hand
Sango: well I didn't hit him, did I?!
Miroku, ignoring him too: Okay keep straight for another four lights
Sango: thank you love, huge help
Miroku: Then take a right at that really fucked up part-time haunted house when we get to Yourwifeisinacultpleasesaveherbeforeitstoolate Street
Inuyasha: *basically being thrown around even with the seatbelt, cursing the whole time*
Miroku, now operating on two phones: *opens his shiny new Samsung he bought in Paris and begins tapping on it as Sango breezes through the lights* How about some music! *cheerfully presses play on a song and Avril Lavigne's "What The Hell" proceeds to blast through the car because he connected his phone to the car with Bluetooth*
Inuyasha: Miroku what the fuck year do you think it is?
Miroku: Whichever year I want it to be, dear friend! I'm married to the driver - that gives me song-choosing rights!
Sango: like your music taste is any better anyway. I bet you listen to hyper pop country or some shit
Inuyasha: joke's on you, I don't even know how to use iTunes
Miroku: *keeps silent as he turns the song louder*
Inuyasha: HEY, YOU KNOW MY EARS ARE SENSITIVE
Miroku: *digs a third phone out of his pocket as it begins ringing loudly with Caramelldansen set as the ringtone* Hello?
Narrator: Miroku proceeds to answer the third phone and talks obnoxiously loud on it whilst blaring music and entirely ignoring Inuyasha, still somehow giving Sango perfect directions
Inuyasha: *starts chugging the rest of his vodka*
Miroku: FINALLY! *abruptly hangs up with a relieved smile* Well love, I've just made enough money to make sweet love to you on top of the colosseum
Inuyasha: *turns his head out the car window to throw up violently*
Sango: all I really want is a day where I don't have to clean up Kagome's messes, but I'm happy for you!
Inuyasha: *still throwing up*
Miroku: Okay just a few more turns Sango, I can see the beginning of the forest! OH, watch out for that child!
Sango: *swerves car violently to avoid creepy child standing in the middle of the road pointing*
Inuyasha: *head smacks on the dashboard again*
Sango: okay it looks like we're going to have to park the car and walk the rest of the way
Inuyasha: you can't just…drive through the forest?
Sango: and destroy my beautiful car? Absolutely not
Miroku: Hiking trip! What a beautiful way to recover from our honeymoon from hell! *gleefully shoves two of the three phones in his pocket, lifting up the pop socket on Sango's phone to hold it better*
((Silver: Buy a fucking Pop Socket you fools
Sango: *parks in a parking lot right outside the woods full of cars that look like they'd been there for a while*
Miroku: *literally hops out* Follow me!
Inuyasha: *gets out after struggling to unbuckle the seatbelt and wiping the vomit from his mouth* Finally
Sango: this is actually sort of terrifying
Sango: but I'm so angry at Kagome right now, I'll happily take out my rage on any evil that throws itself at us
Miroku: Keep going, I think we're headed straight for her
Inuyasha: *ripping tree branches and bushes out of his way in utmost drunken rage*
Sango: I think I hear something up ahead…
Narrator: *in a tree* Indeed she does, but it's nothing she expects. As the trio draws closer, they begin to see a large compound set up in a large clearing. An enormous fire sits dead center in the compound, piled high with wood and blazing high into the air. Circling around it are people, covered worryingly in blood as they chant in a strange way that not even Miroku during his cursed stage can decipher. Then they begin to notice people breaking off from the circle and moving over to different groups around the fire, joining what looks like….oh. Oh no.
Narrator: *in a different tree* It appears the "sex" part of the "sex cult" pamphlet was correct, because the people who were circling the fire are now joining multiple orgies, mixing their blood-covered bodies with others as the obscene moaning grows louder*
((Silver: Man I almost wish ffn had a higher rating list
Miroku: *flipping through the pamphlet as they walk* it looks like the sex part of the cult is no joke, it says here- *sees the scene in front of them* oH WHAT THE FUCK
Sango: *cringing involuntarily* let's just find Kagome and get out of here
Miroku: *unwillingly scanning the multiple clusters, trying to ignore the lack of care for personal health*
Inuyasha, headless of health, ripping each orgy apart looking for his mate and growing more enraged when he can't find her: WHERE THE FUCK IS MY MATE
Sango: I don't see her…well at least that means she isn't having sex with strangers
Miroku: You thought she would?
Sango: well she did knowingly join a sex cult, although I'm sure she's more into the blood aspect
Miroku: Oh she's definitely into the blood thing, but I don't think she'd just mess with someone randomly. She's insane, but not a cheater.
Sango: you're right, she's way too possessive for that. So if she isn't out here having sex, where is she?
Miroku: *about to answer until he's cut off by a familiar, half-crazed laugh* I think I might have the answer to that
Sango: HEY Inuyasha, quit murdering people and get over here, we hear her close by
Inuyasha: *immediately drops his latest victim and practically bowls Miroku over as he rushes over to the two*
Miroku: I definitely heard her over here somewhere…
Inuyasha, impatiently trying to drag the two: Well come on then!
Sango: I still don't see her though
Miroku: Neither do I, but I definitely hear her
Narrator: *crouched behind a couple who are performing unspeakable acts* suddenly, a man with messy hair and a short beard puts a hand on Miroku's shoulder from behind; he wears baggy pants similar to the ones from chapter 69 (who knows what's in the pockets), a wife beater tank top, and one of those self defense cat-shaped resin keychains on a chain around his neck
Miroku: *gets a chill down his spine and whips around*
Sango: who the fuck are you?
Miroku: wait, you're the guy who's on the back of the pamphlet! *holds it up to the guy's face, then lowers it sheepishly* the…cult leader
Cult leader: greetings! We welcome you, newcomers. You're just in time for the festivities!
Miroku, still having violent shivers for some reason: Uhhh, no thanks. We're just looking for my friend's wife.
Inuyasha: WHERE'S MY FUCKING MATE, YOU DICKHEAD? *holds up the empty vodka bottle threateningly*
Miroku: Calm down my friend!
Cult leader: *gently removes the bottle from Inuyasha's hand and licks the rim where Inuyasha had drank from* I can tell you've been missing someone *licks it again* mmmm, half-demon
Kagome, from somewhere: HOW DARE YOU FOOLS ATTEMPT TO TOUCH THE SUPREME LEADER OF DIVINE LIGHT AND SEXINESS?! PREPARE TO DIE!