Crazy Girls
Chapter 76: Didn't you read the pamphlet?
Narrator, hiding behind a stained port-a-potty and holding his nose: The group, other than the weird mid-life crisis cult leader of course, look around in shock as they hear the disembodied voice of their dear, insane friend.
Kagome, jumping down from a super high up tree and running for the group full-speed: I'LL END YOU ALL FOR INTERRUPTING OUR FESTIVAL
Cult leader: ah, this is our high priestess, Miss Higurashi! She will be performing the full moon ritual tonight
Inuyasha: *breaks down in tears again*
Miroku: uh- *gives him a couple pats on the back while staring horrified at the amount of blood on her person* there there…
Kagome: *running straight for Sango with single-minded fury, not seeming to recognize them at first* PREPARE TO DIE
Sango: *effortlessly puts Kagome in a chokehold* I am not about to let you kill your best friend and both of our husbands because of some hack wearing the same cum-filled pants as Kirara
Kagome, struggling in rage: LET ME GO! I'LL KILL YOU ALL! DEATH TO YOU A- *cuts herself off as she notices her husband and instantly loses the homicidal look* OH! Hi Yashie! How are you?
Inuyasha: *still sobbing* KAGOME WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN
Kagome, still in Sango's chokehold: Oh I've been having the most amazing time, Yashie! You wouldn't believe it!
Miroku: Try us, Kagome. How did you end up here?
Sango: *cautiously releases her but stays close*
Kagome: *begins her story with flashy, animated hand gestures* Well it was a day or two after I sent Miroku and Sango to Paris when this guy approached me on my way home from the liquor store and he started crying. When I asked him what was wrong he said he was a leader of a group seeking enlightenment and peace and he had a vision telling him he'd meet me and that I was the high priestess destined to help them ascend! I was a little suspicious at first because of that trip of mine to Fiji, but everything's been wonderful!
Sango: and you just believed him? I didn't know you were THAT stupid
Cult leader: Kagome has done WONDERS for our organization. She must have descended from the stars
Kagome, again enraged by being called stupid: I am not stupid, Sango! You heard him! I've helped so many people here! Why, I've helped so many that they've started rewarding me with the most beautiful displays of humanity available!
Sango: look, Kagome, you've been away from your own children for TWO MONTHS now. It's time to stop fucking around and come back to the real world
Kagome: It's FINE, Sango! I'm sure Yash left them in the capable hands of my mom since they're too young to experience this glory yet! It's not ready for them.
Miroku: And leaving Inuyasha behind?
Kagome: He wouldn't have agreed to it! And more importantly, I didn't plan ahead. Look, you guys, this is a serious, great task I was given and I hadn't had a moment to spare!
Cult leader: *puts his arms around Sango and Miroku* the festivities are beginning soon, and you must join us! You two will be fine additions to our group of handsome young people
Sango and Miroku: *exchange a concerned look*
Kagome: *completely unphased as a couple proceeds to have sex behind her*
Miroku, aghast at the sight of the couple full on fornicating behind his friend: Uhh…Kagome?
Kagome: Yes?
Miroku: There's a, uh, couple having sex behind you
Narrator: *standing unseen behind the cult leader* Kagome whirls around with a delighted look on her face, and the cult leader's face turned equally as approving.
Kagome: Why thank you both for your lovely display! I'll treasure what you've given me today!
Miroku, under his breath: Chlamydia?
Kagome, whirling around with enraged eyes: Hey! Don't say that to Hara and Zeno! They're nice people and don't need your mean comments!
Sango: *rolls eyes* alright, what's this about festivities? Is this some Midsommar bullshit?
Cult leader: I'm so glad you asked, sexy!
Sango: *stabs him with her eyes*
((Panda: cue animation of Sango's eyes being dagger stabbing through the cult leader's own eyes
Miroku, eyes turn to pits of Hell: Not that I don't like having my wife's beauty appreciated, NEVER say that again
Kagome, pouting: Why not? He's just acknowledging that she's pretty.
Kagome, absolutely nonchalant as she gleefully slaps a girl on her ass and receives a grin in return: It's not a crime to let people know they're attractive
Inuyasha: *sobbing to himself* I never want to see this side of her again. I'd rather have her committing mass homicide than this… *clutching the photo of him and Kagome along with Aiko and Shippo after Aiko's baptism*
Cult leader: the largest full moon of the year takes place tonight, which is when all of our new members are fully bonded together through the natural act of sex. The addition of you three brings our total number of members up to 69!
Miroku: oh, no, you've got us all wrong, we weren't looking to join. Maybe in my younger years….
Sango: *shoots smaller, slightly more blunt daggers at her husband*
Inuyasha: Look I want my wife and then all of us are leaving this fucking hellhole of sin and blood
Kagome, indignant: Inuyasha, sit! What right do you have to choose when I leave and when I stay? I'm not a fucking dog!
Miroku: Kagome,,,you're a dog demon like Inuyasha
Kagome:…Oh, right.
Inuyasha, pulling himself out of a crater: I can't tell which is more traumatizing - the sit commands or that damn dildo
Cult leader: oh, no, don't worry, sir, we don't use dildos here. Our sex is all natural and free of plastics, inorganic material, polyester, processed meats, and gluten
Kagome: It's the first ever fully organic and reliably sourced religion! Isn't that incredible?
Kagome: Not to mention the full panel of STI tests to make sure everyone is safe and all
Sango: Kagome, that isn't true, most religions were invented before inorganic material even existed. And it isn't a religion!
Kagome: It is SO a religion, Sango! Don't be such a Debbie Downer!
Sango: oh, I'm sorry, sure thing, as soon as you stop being such a Sally Slutfucker
Cult leader: Whoa whoa, ma'am, there's no need to use such obscene language against our High Priestess
Kagome, fighting to keep a smile: It's fine, she's just naturally kind of a dickhead to people.
Inuyasha: Kagome can you, like, fucking stop? I'd rather Sango NOT murder you
Kagome: Inuyasha stay out of this. If Sango wants to be a prick she can be a prick at home, but I'm happy here at this compound and giving these people advice to ascend.
Cult leader: that lovely attitude is what will allow us all to ascend into our sensual afterlife tonight
Sango: sensual WHAT?
Inuyasha, alarmed: TONIGHT?!
Kagome, gleefully: Yes, it's time we let go of the disgusting chains that bind us to this plane and ascend beyond where borders are a thing of the past. We'll go beyond our realm and become something beyond explanation. It'll be… *gets teary eyed* glorious.
Cult leader: That's the spirit, do you all see? Isn't Miss Higurashi the perfect being sent to guide us?
Narrator, now sidestepping the orgies: The entire compound breaks out into raucous wolf cheers in response before going back to what they were doing.
Sango: Kagome, you're seriously ready to die and leave your husband and children behind?
Kagome: I won't die, Sango! Don't worry!
Sango: what the fuck do you mean you won't die? Is that not what the afterlife is?
Kagome: I'll be beyond death, Sango! That's what I've been saying the whole time! I'll ascend beyond life and death!
Miroku, again under his breath: You've ascended beyond stupidity is what you've done…
Sango: you'll leave Aiko and Shippo behind either way you absolute bitch
Kagome: Call me a bitch again, I dare you. *lightning flashes and thunder booms in the distance*
Inuyasha: *drops to his knees, sobbing, grabbing at Kagome's clothes* please don't leave me Kagome
Narrator, casually bouncing Aiko in his arms: The two women glare at each other in a stalemate, neither giving in. Will these friends be able to last or will Kagome's naïveté prove too much?
Kagome: Okay 1) who the hell are you, 2) why the fuck do you have my daughter
Kagome, kicking the narrator in the shin: Thirdly, I'm not fucking stupid!
Narrator: *grabs his shin with his free hand* as my shin aches, I pass the babe on to her mother in hopes that she will have some positive influence
Kagome, snatching her child from the narrator: Yeah you better give me back my child, you psycho fucker. You could be a fucking pedophile for all I know.
Aiko: *giggles and claps her hands as she casts a spell and makes confetti fall from the sky*
Kagome, watching as the confetti falls and blinking as a piece lands on her head: The fuck? *odd look on face* Oh no
Kagome: *suddenly hands Aiko to Miroku, just as she shrieks as lightning strikes her body*
Cult leader: *screams* get that baby out of here! She shouldn't see this! Kagome, you're going to get yourself exiled
Cult leader: to think our high priestess would do something like this…I'm seriously beginning to question your judgement
Kagome, groaning on the ground: Ugh…
Miroku: Wait it's that easy to get exiled?
Aiko: *starts angrily crying and reaching toward Kagome*
Miroku: okay, okay, your mom is just having some issues right now
Aiko: *bites his hand and levitates away when he yelps in pain*
Aiko: *lands on Kagome's chest and starts slapping her in the face while crying*
Kagome, not dodging because she's still too hurt from the lightning: Ow, ow! Aiko the fuck?! I just got electrocuted!
Cult leader: *starts chanting under his breath while looking up at the moon, hands clasped in a prayer motion*
Sango: Aiko's just doing what the rest of us wish we could do
Inuyasha, frantically: Do you see Kagome?! It's not a fucking religion, it's a cult!
Kagome, still being slapped: Fuck off! *gets a bigger slap* Aiko I'm taking the Necronomicon!
Aiko: *starts causing more lightning that nearly hits a bunch of the sex-havers around the group*
Kagome: AIKO! Don't hit the Diviners!
Cult leader: Kagome, you know demons aren't allowed in this cult! Get this horrid creature out of here at once!
Miroku: Seriously?
Cult leader: I mean, uh, not cult. This pristine organization
Kagome, suddenly stopping as Aiko's hand freezes an inch from her face: *eyes lock on him* Excuse me?
Cult leader: demons are impure and prohibited in this vicinity
Kagome, deathly silent as she gets up with Aiko in her arms: Is that so?
Kagome, strutting closer with Aiko in her arms as the cult leader backs away until he backs into the wall of the port-a-potty: And what would you do, pray tell, if I told you…I'm a half demon?
Cult leader: *laughs heartily* my dearest High Priestess, don't be ridiculous. You're pure like the rest of us
Kagome, smiling like an angel: Oh I bet you think so
Miroku: *silently takes out a bag of popcorn*
Kagome: *lets her concealment charm go away which lets her ears appear and her eyes turn a deadly shade of red* I bet you feel pretty fucking stupid now, don't you? Now what was that about demons being impure?
Cult leader: *gasps* Lady Kagome, your eyes…they're… *gulps in fear*
Kagome: Red? Yes, yes they are, my dear fucking stupid ass bigot.
Miroku: *under his breath* It took *you* long enough to realize it wasn't a religion...
Kagome: Miroku I'll deal with you later. Right now, I've got something else to deal with.
Random cult member, buck naked: excuse me, did you say that demons weren't allowed here? Because in that case my mate and I *gestures toward a naked woman standing next to him* might have to leave
Another random cult member, also as naked as the day they were born: Me too.
Another random cult member: *approaches from another direction, titties out* yeah, what's so wrong with demons, anyway? *cracks knuckles*
Narrator, covering their eyes as more naked cult members stand and accidentally flash their bits: One by one, more cult members rise and reveal themselves to be demons or half-demons. What a surprising turn of events.
Narrator, peaking between their fingers to stare at the one cult member, or more specifically, something just below eye level: Boobies...
Miroku: I still have no idea who you are, but my kinda man! *high fives the narrator*
Cult leader: *now surrounded by angry demons and half demons* uh, listen here, I don't want any trouble, you're all welcome to leave as you are
Kagome: *licking her lips as she glares down at the cult leader* Nah, they can all go. I have something to do. After all, I'm the High Priestess, and as such it's my job to make sure you ascend
Another cult member: oh, don't worry, we're all here to back you up, even if you don't need it. Let's tear this asshole to shreds
Kagome and the other members: *slowly advancing on the leader with devious smiles as he cowers*
Cult leader: *screams*
Narrator: *walking through the woods toward the car, holding his hat dramatically in his hands* and thus, the cult leader got what he wanted on this night: to ascend to the afterlife. Now, Kagome sulks in the backseat of Sango's car, Inuyasha clinging to her, Miroku sitting shotgun struggling to pick a song to match the mood
Miroku, fiddling with his Spotify playlist: Well that was somehow the single-handedly strangest thing we've ever encountered and yet it wasn't even that bad compared to Paris...
Inuyasha, refusing to let go of Kagome: I never want to see another sex cult pamphlet ever again.
Kagome, sitting in the backseat and sulking: He got what he deserved. Serves the cunt bag right for telling me I was the savior destined to help them move on. I sure fucking helped *him* now didn't I?
Sango: don't feel too bad, Kagome, it happens to the worst of us
Miroku: isn't it supposed to be the best of us?
Sango: yeah, that's what I said
Kagome: No it isn't
Miroku, cutting everyone off: Sango - that kid again - watch out!
Sango: *slams on the brakes and stops about an inch away from the kid, who doesn't even flinch*
Kagome: *looks up upon the tire screech* Oh, that's Taro. Taro, move out of the way, you're gonna cause an accident!
Taro, the creepy child: *stares for a few seconds before moving out of the way whilst never blinking*
Kagome: *waves to the child and receives a very creepy one back*
Sango: does he need a ride? Where are his parents?
Kagome: No, the cult leader said he was a lonely spirit that walks this area because he was brutally murdered. He apparently can't rest since the person who killed him hasn't died yet. He said that Taro was killed because he was a - oh. Oh that makes a lot more sense...
Kagome, turning a horrified gaze on Taro: I am *so* sorry
Miroku: What?
Kagome: The cult leader. The cult leader fucking murdered Taro because he was a little half-demon kid
Taro: *gives a sad smile and waves once more, expressing emotion for the first time since any of them have seen him, and disappears*
Sango: so he did need a ride…just not from me *drives away*
Kagome: I never want to see a pamphlet again. If anyone starts crying when they see me I'm gutting them.
Narrator, clinging to the back of the car: And on that terrifying, sad note, the car drove back to Kagome's penthouse in silence.