Chapter 73: What's lost will never return
'A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.'
-Oscar Wilde
Joel woke up with the sunrise. He didn't get much sleep anyway. He stayed up almost half the night fixing up around the house. He couldn't feel settled until the home was back to the way it was before. He wanted to make sure that when the baby came everything was set right again.
He wasn't surprised Becca was already up. He felt her leave the bed a little bit ago. She was restless too. It was the morning of Lizzie's funeral and they would be burying Tommy's body. He dreaded burying his brother. He always assumed he would go first.
Ironically, Tommy is the one who became the betrayer. Everyone always looking at him to fuck up. They never expected his brother, the church going family man and goody two shoes of Jackson was getting up to no good. The worst part is he did it right under their noses. No one ever expected him, which is why he was able to get away with it for so long.
He changed into his black suit Becca laid out for him. He hasn't worn a suit since he got married. In the next week, he would be getting a lot of use out of this suit. There would be a lot of services for the fallen men and women who fought bravely. They died as heroes and would get a send off befitting of them.
Everyone had been gearing up for Memorial Day weekend coming up. They thought they would be having a cookout and fireworks. Not one funeral after another.
Becca talked about getting something together. The town deserved something to look forward to. They deserved to celebrate the ones we've lost. They didn't just have to mourn them.
He combed his hair to the side and fixed his tie. He cleaned up his beard and Becca trimmed his hair the night before. He was still keeping it longer, but wanted to clean up before the service.
He walked downstairs and into the kitchen. Becca was already changed in a black dress. The dress was longer reaching down to her ankles and was short sleeved.
Her belly was protruding out from the dress. She was getting bigger by the day. He was grateful the up stairs wasn't damaged and the nursery was in pristine condition. He didn't know what they've would've done without a proper place to raise a baby. Their child deserved to be brought into this world stably and comfortably.
She was placing breakfast on the table when she looked up at him, smiling softly,'Good morning.'
He walked over to her and wrapped his arm around Becca, kissing the side of her head,'Good morning, wife. You were up early.'
'I couldn't sleep.' She shook her head and sighed,'I was just thinking about today.'
'I know. I've been up thinking about it too.' He frowned,'Is she up yet?'
'She is now.'
They looked up to see Ellie standing in the archway, rubbing her eyes sleepily. She averted her bleary eyes between them and frowned,'It's not gonna be a big thing right? Cause Lizzie wouldn't want fake people at her funeral.' She bit the inside of her cheek to keep from crying,'She told me what she wanted just in case she…or we…'
Ellie didn't finish, but she didn't have to. It was heartbreaking for them as parents. Lizzie was only a kid. She had the rest of her life ahead of her, but it was viciously cut short for no reason.
Ellie and Lizzie should've been discussing their future together not about what their funerals would look like. It made Becca angry. She didn't want such a bleak future for their children.
They wouldn't let her death be in vain. They would always honor her. She would always be remembered.
Becca nodded and walked over to her, holding her face in her hands,'We'll make sure it's kept simple. Just us, Betsy, Maria and Am. Okay?'
'Okay.' Ellie took a deep breath as she looked over at Joel,'I wanna be there when Tommy's…buried.' She nodded,'I know how much he meant to you. He meant a lot to me too.' She frowned as she angrily wiped her tears away,'It isn't fair they got to him and killed Liz.' She shook her head,'The whole they were saying we're the bad ones, but it was them all along.'
Becca nodded and snorted,'I've always been under the assumption people who pray the most sin the most.'
'Ain't that the truth.' He sighed and walked over to Ellie, crouching down in front of her,'You can't blame yourself for what happened to Lizzie. Just like I ain't blaming myself for what Tommy did. We can't control the actions of others. Just how we react to it. We can be bitter for the rest of our lives and hate the world, but I've tried that. It's a miserable way to lie. It ain't living. It's existing. I know Lizzie wouldn't want ya to do that.'
Ellie nodded and took a deep breath,'You're right. She wouldn't.' She averted her eyes between them,'I'm gonna study engineering. I've been watching her and Am and the cool shit they were doing. I think I wanna do that for her. If she couldn't than I want to continue the work she started. I want to stay here and help raise my baby brother or sister. I want to be here on the ranch with my family.'
Ellie nervously shifted on her feet as she picked at her sleeve,'I know that I don't always say it, but I want to tell you guys that I…love you. Very much. I'm thankful everyday I have you. You're my mom and dad. I'm proud to be a Miller. I'm proud of this family.'
Joel had tears in his eyes as he took a moment to process her words. She's never said this to them before. He knew she must've thought it when she asked to be a Miller, but he never understood to what degree. There wasn't any room for doubt anymore.
Becca was sobbing as she wrapped her arms around Ellie tightly. She kissed all over her face, whispering,'I love you too. You know I do. I love you so much, my beautiful girl. You can stay with us forever.' She held her face in her hands, smiling tearfully,'They'll always be a place for you here. Your baby brother or sister is gonna be so lucky to have you as a sister. You're gonna show them how to be a badass.'
Joel smirked and shook his head,'Not another one. I didn't have this much gray hair until I met El.' He cupped the back of Ellie's head and pulled her against him,'Come ere, kid.' He bent down and kissed the top of her head,'I love ya too. Course I do. It's why I couldn't leave ya in the hospital. I meant what I said about ya saving me.'
Ellie looked up at him and sighed. That seemed like a lifetime ago. It felt like she were a different person back then. So much has happened. One thing that never changed was them. They were always a team. When they met Becca she became apart of their team. They've added and lost a few people since then, but their core never changed.
Becca watched the two of them as she smiled to herself. When she first came upon them in Silver Lake; she never understood their dynamic. She knew he was protecting her from something. She just didn't know how big of a magnitude it had been. It was as if fate inadvertently brought them together. A part of her wondered if Francis had something to do with it, which is another rabbit hole altogether.
Becca walked over to the counter and grabbed the coffee mugs,'Let's have a meal together before we face the world.'
Ellie and Joel both looked at each other warily. They would never understand Becca's resiliency. She had a way of processing things differently than most. It was as if she's become so used to loss that she just accepts it and moves on.
Of course she's sad, but she doesn't let it bring her down. She keeps herself busy rather than wallowing in her sorrow. She isn't cold hearted in the least. Just a little desensitized to death. It's what made her a good nurse. If only everyone could be like that.
They finished breakfast and Joel helped her with the dishes while Ellie milked the cows. Joel fed the sheep as Becca picked the flowers for Lizzie's grave. She should be planning her graduation. Not her goddamned funeral.
She picked daisies and lilies. Ellie told her they were her favorites. She admitted to being the one who would take them from her garden. She always blamed Tommy. She wasn't angry. She was glad Ellie showed Lizzie what real love could be like. Before she died she had someone who truly loved her and always will.
She saw Maria, Betsy and Am heading down their trail on horseback.
She picked up her basket of flowers and joined Joel at the house to greet them. Ellie was walking out of the barn. She was simply dressed in a pair of jeans and a black sweater. She still wore her sneakers, saying Lizzie wanted her to come as she is. They had a really healthy relationship it seemed. They supported each other through thick and thin.
Becca held out her hand and Ellie took it. They walked up to the house as everyone got off their horses.
Becca embraced Maria and gave her a kiss on the cheek, whispering,'How you feeling?'
Maria swallowed harshly and sighed shakily,'I haven't slept or ate. It's been hard.'
Becca frowned as tears filled her eyes and she kissed her cheek,'You do whatever you have to. You don't have to apologize to me or any fucking body.'
Maria nodded and smiled tearfully,'Thank you.'
Betsy held out her arms to Becca as Joel hugged Maria. The older woman placed her hands on Becca's belly and smirked,'It's almost time for the little one.'
'I know.' She shook her head and sighed.'I'm more than ready.' She looked over at Ellie, smiling softly as she talked with Am,'Thank you for looking after her. I heard her come home in the middle of the night.'
'She didn't want to spend the night.' Betsy shrugged,'She feels safer at home, I think.'
She nodded as she looked at Maria and Joel who were speaking together. She didn't know how they felt. Tommy meant something to them. She barely knew him. She only knew what Joel told her, but they were always surface level things.
The man had been an enigma to her. Honestly? She's never really trusted him to begin with. Throughout the outbreak, she's become a very good reader of people. To survive this long you have to be. There was something about Tommy she didn't trust. He was too nice. She always figured he must be hiding something.
She mused it to be an affair. She never once thought it would come to this. Tommy may have left the Fireflies, but he joined The Peacekeepers. He used Joel to take down the remaining Fireflies. They were all just pawns in Francis's game of chess. He played Russian roulette with their lives.
Joel stepped away from Maria and over to Becca, placing his hand on her back,'We should begin.'
Becca nodded and sighed as she wrapped her arm around Ellie's shoulders.
Kevin arrived with a black carriage on the back of his horse. They parted down the middle, letting the carriage pass down the trail. The fog was thick as the horse cut through the dense smoke rising up from the switchblade grass. The scent of dew and sadness lingered in the air.
Ellie could feel the bile rising up in her throat as she stared at the black carriage. She knew Lizzie lay inside there. Cold. Dead. Lifeless. Her body wouldn't be warm, even in the dead of winter. Her skin wouldn't smell like sunshine and vanilla. Her lips would be cold. She would never feel her again. Only memories.
Tears fell down her cheeks and she wiped them away with the back of her sleeve. Fuck this shit. She felt frustrated. When is she gonna find a fucking girlfriend that doesn't die? Is she being punished for being queer? Is God truly up there smiting her for who she is?
She can't control who she loves. She used to hate being born this way, but Lizzie showed her it didn't matter. It was no one's business but their own. She would forever live in her name. She wouldn't apologize for being queer. She would embrace it and love openly.
They reached the spot atop the hill overlooking the mountains. Joel helped Kevin carry out the wooden casket. Joel made it overnight. He worked tirelessly on it, running on fuel and emotions. Anxiety being one of them. He hated funerals. He was so sick and tired of death.
They carefully placed it beside her cross he made and Becca scribed it in gold paint,'Rebecca Lee Schaffer. April 2nd 2005-May 25th 2023. Beautiful inside and out.'
Tears blurred her vision as she stared at the writing. It was simple but befitting of her. It touched her heart people cared enough to do this for her.
Even Kevin was out of his typical jeans and flannel. He wore a suit!
Ellie's eyes looked over at the casket and she chewed on her bottom lip nervously. She was curious about what she looked like inside there. She morbidly asked Becca about it and she clinically told her about the process. Due to the state of her injuries they decided to keep a closed casket.
There would be no service. Lizzie wasn't too keen on religion either. When her parents found out she was gay they pretty much disowned her. She was on her own way before they got infected. She seemed relieved when they died, like she didn't have to carry around that burden anymore.
At least she died being true to herself.
Joel placed his hand on Ellie's shoulder as he looked over her face,'Anything ya wanna say before we?'
Ellie took a moment and nodded, clearing her throat,'Yeah, I do.'
She took a deep breath and walked over to Lizzie's coffin. She placed her hand on the sleek wood. She could tell Joel this was Joel's craftsmanship. He could make damned near anything with wood. She was glad it was him. He made her a good one.
Ellie looked over the coffin and shook her head in disbelief,'This doesn't feel real. Sometimes I wake up and think it was all a bad dream, like I'll turn over and you'll be right beside me.' She choked back a sob,'Except that you're not. And I know you won't be, but I'll carry you with me all the time. I'll always remember what ya said to me.' She laughed through her tears,'Fuck the haters! You're my best friend and always will be. My lover. You taught me what it means to say that without shame. I love you forever for that.' She bent down and kissed her coffin, whispering,'I love you, my beautiful Liz.'
She let her hand linger on the coffin before she reluctantly pulled it away. She broke down into sobs and walked into Becca's waiting arms. She wrapped her arms around her as tears fell from her own eyes.
Joel choked back tears as he bent down and kissed the top of Ellie's head.
He looked over at Kevin and took a deep breath. The younger man nodded to him and he sighed. A man's work was never finished.
He walked over to the coffin and gently picked it up. They carried it over to the hole they dug the night before and carefully set it inside. He closed his eyes and sighed as he heard Ellie's sobs. This was killing him. As a man, father and husband. Why did this beautiful young woman die while he lived? Where's the fairness in that?
Becca handed everyone a flower as they all threw it onto the coffin. Ellie carefully placed it inside along with a photo she drew of them.
Becca met Joel's gaze and she nodded, gently pulling Ellie along,'Come on. Let's go back to the house.'
'No.' Ellie frowned and shook her head,'I want to help bury her.'
Joel's eyes widened and he shook his head, staring at Becca. He hoped she would have an answer for this,'Ellie, baby girl.' He sighed,'I don't think that's something you should be doing. Becca's right. Just go back to the house.'
Ellie narrowed her eyes up at Becca.'You understand don't you?'
Becca's eyes widened slightly. Not in surprise, but realization that Ellie was attuned to people more than she let on. She nodded sadly, meeting her husband's gaze,'Let her help, Joel. This is their business.' She shrugged.'I don't see the harm in wanting to bury someone you love…albeit this is literally, but you get my drift.'
All Joel could do was stare at her. His wife surprised the hell out of him sometimes. She could be stronger than him in emotional situations. She let Ellie choose freely. He was starting to let go more and realize she wasn't a little girl anymore. In a way she never really had been.
Joel nodded and begrudgingly handed Ellie an extra shovel,'Have at it, kid.'
Ellie took the shovel from his hand and pursed her lips, cocking her head to the side as she met his gaze head on,'Thanks, asshole.'
Joel smirked and nodded. Just like old times. She was going to be okay. She was strong and had a good support system this time around. She would make it out alright.
Ellie, Joel and Kevin started shoveling the dirt onto the coffin. Becca stood off to the side and watched. It took them almost a half hour until they finished.
Ellie placed the cross onto her grave and Becca carefully placed the large bundle of flowers on her fresh grave. She silently vowed to place fresh flowers on her grave every day. Hopefully Ellie would continue the tradition when she too passed on.
Becca wrapped her arm around Ellie's shoulders as they stared down at the grave,'It's good she's close by. You can visit her whenever you like.'
Ellie nodded as she wiped away tears,'I just can't believe she's gone, ya know?'
Becca nodded and smiled sadly,'I know all too well.'
Joel caught her eye and he nodded. It was time to bury Tommy before he started spoiling in the hot sun. Their only mortician lest alive was quite busy with other people. Tommy wasn't exactly a favorite anymore. No one would care about him anyway.
'It's time to head out.' Becca frowned,'I'm sorry.'
'I know.' Ellie shook her head,'I ain't mad. I wanna be there for Joel. Like he's always there for me.'
Becca smiled softly as they started walking,'He always will be. So will I.'
Ellie looked up at her and smiled through her tears. She was lucky to have people who cared about her. She didn't have anyone to lean on after Riley died. Just her pain and guilt. When Marlene found her she wanted them to kill her. She didn't want to be alone anymore.
Then she met Joel and everything changed. She had someone who cared about her again. Then she met Becca and felt a kinship towards her. They meant the world to her. They were her mama and papa. She got to choose her family.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Tommy's funeral was a somber affair. No one spoke. Maria spoke a few words, but no one knew what she whispered into his coffin. The coffin Joel made for him as well. He didn't know what compelled him to do it. Maybe he was a glutton for punishment.
Joel and Kevin buried him six feet deep where he belonged while Becca, Maria and Ellie watched. Betsy and Am stayed behind with Seb. After Tommy's passing Betsy and Am seemed to move in with Maria. She didn't mind. She loved the company and the extra hands with help on the farm. It was good for them.
After the burial Becca placed roses on his grave. She didn't want to leave it bare with just a cross bearing his name. He was buried back behind the ranch. Maria still wanted him close but out of sight.
Joel stayed behind for a few moments before returning to his horse. He helped Becca onto the horse and climbed in front.
He looked over at Ellie who was climbing on Lizzie's black stallion she inherited from her. His name was Johnny Cash, which he thought was fucking hilarious. He was also jealous she had the better horse.
Becca looked up at the envious look in Joel's eyes and smirked,'You look like the guy who's jealous of his buddy buying the newer version of a pickup truck. On the outside you're all good for you, bro. On the inside you're seething with rage.'
He snorted and rolled his eyes. Only she could make him laugh at a time like this. It's why he would always need her for moments like this. Her sometimes dry sense of humor kept him grounded. She reminded him he was still alive. He had people living and breathing who counted on his survival.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
The three of them headed back to the ranch before sunset. They were eager to begin their new normal. Tomorrow they would head into town and help with any repairs that needed to be done. She would be helping out at the hospital.
She reheated leftovers from the night before. They weren't very hungry, but emotionally and physically exhausted for the day.
Ellie retired up to bed early. She ran up the stairs with Theo running up behind her. They usually didn't let Theo upstairs. Especially when the baby was born, but she needed Theo's comfort right now.
Joel did the dishes and dried them while the women showered and changed. He made sure everything was secured. Luckily, only a few windows were broken and he could easily replace them. The door as well. It would take a bit of time for him to repair them, but the house was safely secured. He may have put a few extra locks and made sure the windows were tamper proof, but he would rather be safe than sorry.
He showered before heading to bed and said goodnight to Ellie. He smiled when he saw her fast asleep with Theo sleeping at her feet. She was coping as best she could. She must've tired herself out. She's had a rough week.
They all have.
He could feel it deep in his bones. He walked into their bedroom as he dried off his hair. He closed the door behind him and smirked. She was laying there with a book on her stomach.
She looked up at him, seeing the amused look on his face,'What?'
'Nothing.' He stared at her stomach and shook his head in disbelief,'You're just…really pregnant. It's really happening, sweetheart.'
She frowned when she saw the grin on his face,'No shit.' She sighed,'I've noticed the last…' She cocked her head to the side,'Seven months about. This is really happening, Joel.' She smiled and tapped the bed.'In this bed.'
Joel stared at the bed and bit back a frown. He knew women gave birth in their own beds all the time. Who the hell was he to judge where they gave birth? He wasn't the one having the baby. He just never thought it would happen to him.
Esther gave birth to Sarah in a hospital. Tess gave birth to William in what was a 'hospital' back in Boston. Becca would be having their baby in their bedroom. The prospect was wild to him.
Becca saw the concern on his face and frowned,'Are you not comfortable with it? I can always have the hospital.'
'No.' Joel dropped his towel into the basket and walked over to her, sitting on her beside. He turned to her, placing his hand on her thigh,'It ain't about that.' He shook his head and sighed,'If everything was okay you would be having the baby at a hospital. I would be bringing you home.'
'Why?' She shrugged,'Where's the law that says you need to have your child at a hospital?' She narrowed her eyes,'Women have babies at home all the time. Way before hospitals. On ships, in caves, deserts. In that goddamned fucking mountains. Who cares? Betsy and Maria are trained midwives. Betsy's been delivering babies before we were even thought of. Everything's okay.'
He closed his eyes and sighed, whispering,'I know.' He shook his head,'I just get scared sometimes that it's too good to be true.'
She sat up and wrapped her arms around him from behind. She kissed the back of his neck as he gently gripped her arm,'You have to stop thinking sometimes. It's why you had a heart attack.'
He chuckled softly and leaned back against her. He turned his head and kissed her jaw,'Tomorrows another funeral.'
She nodded and sighed,'We'll do what we can to get through them. Then we prepare for the little one.'
He smiled softly as he placed his hands on her stomach,'I still wanna take ya away. Before the baby's born. Just a weekend.' He frowned,'I don't think that's gonna happen though.'
'We'll make it happen.' She ducked her head to meet his gaze,'We matter too.' She nuzzle her nose against his, whispering,Tonight we sleep because mama is tired.'
He laughed and nodded,'Your old man is tired too.'
He walked over to his side of the bed and killed the light switch. He laid on his side facing her as she laid on her back. It was the most comfortable for her this late in the pregnancy.
He draped his arm under her belly, sliding closer to her. He closed his eyes and breathed in her scent as she leaned in to kiss him goodnight.
They fell asleep together feeling something they haven't felt in a very long time. Free. Tomorrow would arise another challenge, but they've overcome another day.