Chapter 76:When we were young
'Children begin by loving their parents; after a time they judge them; rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.'
-Oscar Wilde
The last twenty four hours has been an eye opening experience for Becca. Maria went home to take care of Seb while Betsy stayed behind to help with the baby. She guided Becca on nursing and swaddling.
She's realized being a nurse and taking care of your own child were two completely different things. As a first time mother, she was nervous and wanted to make sure she was doing everything properly.
Joel had been a great help. He had raised Sarah on his own since she was a baby. He was a pro at changing diapers and taking care of a fussy baby. She was glad one of them knew what they were doing.
She tried to keep her cool, but she felt like a failure at everything. She thought once Mateo was born she would instantly know what to do, but she's learned that's not the case. She had a lot to learn.
Ellie was doing her chores on the farm while Betsy was at her shop taking care of some orders, leaving Becca and Joel alone with the baby. She was sitting in the living room while Mateo slept in his bassinet.
She was reading a book on child rearing that Maria gave her. She said it was a great help to her when she had her first baby. She really relied on Betsy and Maria as well. She's learned it really does take a village and she couldn't do everything on her own.
Joel walked in the house after finishing his work on the farm. He went into the kitchen to wash his hands before walking into the living room.
He smiled when he saw Becca sitting on the couch reading a book. His son slept soundly in bassinet. He stood in the doorway for a moment looking at them. His wife and son. He still couldn't believe it. He had a beautiful and healthy baby.
He stared at his wife in awe. She was bare faced and her hair was in a messy braid. She wore a baggy summer dress and looked exhausted, but the most beautiful he's ever seen her. Betsy called it the 'new mom glow.' He couldn't help but agree.
As if sensing his presence she looked up from her book and smiled softly,'Hey, papa.'
He couldn't help but grin at that as he walked further into the living room,'Hey yourself, mama.' He bent down and kissed her lips, whispering,'How ya feeling?'
'Tired and sore, but happy.' She looked over at Mateo and placed her hand on his bassinet,'He won't stop eating.' She smirked up at him,'He is your son.'
'Yeah well. He's a growing boy and is a Miller.' He sat down on the couch and wrapped his arm around her shoulders, leaning over her to look at his son,'You did good. He's a damned handsome kid, Bec.'
She nodded and smiled softly,'He is a handsome boy. Then again, his father's gorgeous so I'm not surprised.'
His eyes widened in surprise at her words. He knew she found him attractive. She never let a day go by without telling him so. He's had women tell him he's cute and hot. He always shrugged it off, thinking they only said what he wanted to hear.
As he got older, he didn't care about what he looked like. He looked at his body as being a machine. A tool for survival. She reminded him of his humanity. He was worth so much more than the sum of his parts. He didn't feel like an old man around her. She made him feel good about himself. Inside and out.
Mateo started fussing and Joel sighed as he leaned over her. He carefully lifted him out of his bassinet and cracked his small body to his chest. He kissed the top of his head as he gently stroked his back.
Mateo's tiny face scrunched up as his fists flew in the air, making Joel smirk,'Showing papa what ya got, hmm?' He shushed him as he gently bounced him, whispering soothingly,'It's okay, little man. Papa's got you.'
Becca smiled tearfully as he stopped crying. She stroked his soft black hair, whispering,'You're good with me. You know just what to do.' She shook her head and closed the book, placing it on the table,'I thought being a nurse would make it easy, but it's completely different when it's your kid.' She sighed,'I feel like I'm a terrible mother because I don't know what to do.'
Joel frowned as he leaned back against the couch, keeping his hand on Mateo's back as he placed his hand on Becca's leg,'I think you're doing a damn good job. He loves the shit outta already. I can tell.' He shrugged,'I don't know what it's like to be a first time mom, but I do know what it's like to be a first time dad. When Sarah was born, I didn't know what the hell I was doing. Esther was pretty much already checked out by that point. I was a kid and basically learned as I went. I was so scared that I would hurt her. I made a lot of mistakes, but I took care of her. Just like you're doing with our boy. It's normal to have doubts, baby. I have them too.I don't have the same energy when I was young, but I think we're gonna be okay. We have help. Ellie's stepping up and you have Betsy and Maria. You have me.'
He looked down at Mateo and smiled as tears filled his eyes,'Look at him, Rebecca. The world out there is so ugly, but we made something beautiful. Whenever I feel like I'm not worth anything I think about my children and know there's things I did right.'
Becca wiped the tears from her eyes as she rested her head on Joel's shoulder,'I'm so happy that I had a child by you.' She cleared her throat,'My worst fear with Ben and David was that I would get pregnant. I took so many precautions. When Ben and I first got married we tried for a baby, but it never happened. He always blamed me, but…now I know it was him. David…he tried but I always made sure. I used my knowledge of apothecary to prevent it from happening. I thought I would die without ever knowing what it was like to be a mother. Ever since I was a little girl, I always dreamed of being a mama. I never thought it was on the cards for me.' She cried softly as she leaned up and cupped his cheek,'Then I met you and I realized I could have everything I've ever wanted with you. The more I got to know you I fell in love with you and knew you were the man I was supposed to have kids with. It's why it never happened with Ben and David. You were the one, Joel. You gave me this. I didn't think I could love you anymore than I already did.' She shook her head in disbelief,'I was so wrong. When I look at you with him and Ellie. I know what true love feels like. I can't even describe all the ways it makes me feel.'
'I feel it too.' He shook his head as he pressed his forehead to hers, whispering fiercely,'When I saw ya holding him for the first time. I felt something I ain't ever felt before. I know this is gonna make me sound like a possessive asshole, but you're mine, Rebecca. For the rest of my life I don't want anyone else but you. When I met you, marriage and kids were the last thing on my mind. Tess…she wanted the house and the family. She wanted to live like Bill, but I thought it was a fantasy. It wasn't realistic to how we were livin. I didn't love her like she wanted me to.' His eyes searched her face,'You know what made me fall in love with ya? You were always honest with me. You were a straight shooter and didn't tell me what I wanted to hear. You actually cared about me and listened to me. You…' He swallowed harshly,'You wanted to be my friend. I ain't ever had that before with a woman. You actually believed I had a brain.'
'It's because you do.' She nodded,'I was through with stupid boys pretending to be men. I wanted a real one. I found it.'
He pressed his lips against hers, whispering,'I got me a real woman.' He languidly kissed her, his tongue slowly tangling with hers. He moaned softly, mumbling against her lips,'You're a sexy mama, baby girl.'
'Language.' She playfully scolded him as her lips moved against his,'Mateo's first word is gonna be a cuss.'
Mateo whined as his eyes blearily looked up at him. Becca smiled and kissed her son's head,'He looks just like you.'
'I know.' He snorted,'Sorry, kid.' He gently patted his butt,'I think he's gonna have your eyes. I hope he does. I love your eyes. They drive me crazy.'
She blushed as she ran her hand through Joel's thick curls, loving he kept the longer length,'Fatherhood looks good on you too.' She looked him over as she clicked her tongue,'Damned good.'
His head lolled back on the couch as he gave her a slow smirk. His eyes connected with hers and he felt that warmth spread throughout his body again. It was a feeling he only experienced with her.
Betsy told him after the baby was born their love would be reformed and redefined. He didn't understand what she meant by that. Until he did.
After Mateo was born, it was like they fell in love all over again. They felt more attracted to each other than ever before. They made something beautiful and tangible. Their love was born into this tiny human being. They wholeheartedly belonged to each other.
He only wished his mama, Abuela and children were alive to see this. Sarah would be enamored with her. She would've been the mother she always wanted. His mama would've been relieved he finally found a good one with class. She always admonished him about his dating choices, but the seedy places he frequented didn't exactly have doctors and lawyers hanging out there.
The door burst opened and Ellie came barreling into the house. She ran into the living room, a smile on her face,'Is he awake?'
Becca and Joel shared a smile. They were happy to see Ellie taking to the baby so well. They didn't know how she would handle the new addition, but she was good around Seb. She seemed excited to have a brother.
Ellie was already talking about all the stuff she would teach him when he got older. Some of it made her leery, but she knew Ellie would look after him. She would protect him.
They were glad she had something positive to focus on. After Lizzie's passing she was withdrawn and sad, which was understandable, but Mateo being born seemed to reset things. While she was still sad; she had a reason to put a smile on her face.
'He is.' Becca grinned,'Go wash up first though.'
Ellie rolled her eyes and ran upstairs to the bathroom.
Joel snorted and shook his head,'There's a hell of an age gap.'
'Just like us.' Becca playfully nudged his shoulder as he groaned,'You're only as old as you feel.'
He looked down and his son and frowned,'That means I'm dead already.'
She rolled her eyes and sighed as she winced slightly as she turned on the couch,'Natural childbirth can kiss my ass. I'm not doing that again.'
He mulled over the question before he asked it aloud. He took a deep breath, diving headfirst,'Would you want another kid again?'
Her eyes widened as she glanced back at him,'Did seeing him change your mind?'
'I don't know.' He shrugged,'I know it's selfish to want it considering my age.'
'Knock that off.' She frowned,'You should've thought about that before having Mateo.'
'It ain't about that and you know it.' He took a deep breath, whispering admittedly,'I don't wanna die and have ya raising kids alone.'
'I could die and you'd have to raise kids on your own.' She shook her head,'It's the same concept. I…I thought realistically having one would be the best option. Then seeing how perfect he is. I got to wondering. I'm not saying yes, but I'm not saying no either. Let's just enjoy him and decide what we want to do from there. Give it a year?'
He nodded as he played with her braid, looking over her face,'Deal.' He licked his lips taking a deep breath, whispering,'I'm glad we made it through this. We get to live the life he wanted.'
'Sheep farm and all.' She grinned,'You're not old to me, ya know. I don't even think about your age when I look at you. I just know that you're mine and I get to enjoy you whenever I want to. I love you from the depths of my heart. My husband. That's what I see. Not a number, Joel.'
He didn't even have a chance to answer her. Ellie came downstairs freshly changed and cleaned up. She leaned over Joel and carefully took Mateo out of his arms. They watched as Ellie held him carefully as she sat on the chair.
She looked over his face and shook her head in disbelief,'Does he have immunity too? Is that Francis wanted him?'
Becca wasn't surprised by her question. She expected it to come sooner. It's a topic she's been dreading.
Joel looked Becca on how to handle this. He wasn't immune. He didn't understand how he worked. He actually did understand the scientific parts of it. He wasn't an idiot like people seemed to think. Becca and Ellie seemed to be the only ones who knew he had any brains.
Becca leaned forward and nodded,'He has my blood so he's immune.' She took a deep breath,'Francis told me your mother was infected when she gave birth to you. She…bit off your umbilical cord.' She looked back at Joel warily. He nodded in encouragement as he placed a hand on her back,'He hired Marlene to track your mother. Your…mother was a member of the Fireflies. She knew Marlene very well. They were close friends. It's why she always made sure you were protected. My grandfather took you into the academy. He waited for you to grow up.'
'So he could Harvey's my blood.' Ellie nodded as she looked over at Joel,'Did you know my mother?'
Joel cleared his throat and nodded,'I knew Anna yes. She was a dorm mate of Anna's and a friend since they were young. Dating back before the outbreak, Ellie. I didn't know she was your mother until I read through the files. I didn't make that correlation.'
He took a deep breath as he braced himself for her response. Ever since he read through the files he's been anxious to tell her. He didn't know how she would react. He was afraid she would think this is all a set up. Everything was starting to make too much sense.
It was almost as if Francis had orchestrated their entire meeting. He forced their paths to intertwine. It brought them to Jackson.
He shook his head of those thoughts. He wouldn't let Francis control them. Not anymore. From now they were the ones in control of their own lives.
Ellie was confused and hurt. She understood he was hesitant to tell her. She just felt like a pawn in a dead man's game. She was sick of getting close to people only to lose them. She didn't ask to be born this way.
'How did they know I was immune?' Ellie averted her eyes between them,'We were pawns in their game.'
Joel snorted and nodded,'We played right into it.'
Becca shook her head and sighed,'Your mom's infected blood and your pure blood somehow made it immune. Which begs the theory of how I'm immune.' She frowned,'Some people are born with it. It's why Francis wanted me, you and Mateo. They wanted to fuse our blood together to create a super vaccine.'
He narrowed his eyes and crossed his arms over his chest,'This is weird sh-' He quickly corrected himself,'Crap. Francis thought if he did this everyone would worship him.'
Becca folded her hands on her lap and sighed,'He became sick with power. He didn't care about anyone but himself.'
Ellie's eyes filled with tears as she looked over Mateo's tiny face. He looked a lot like Joel, but she could see Becca in him too. He looked like a raisin right now, but he would be a cute kid. For Joel's son anyway.
Even though they weren't blood relate he was her brother. She would look out for him. She would love him. Protect him. No harm should ever come to him. May God help all those who tried.
She looked over at Joel and frowned,'What was Anna like?'
His eyes widened in surprise and he thought about it for a moment,'It was awhile ago and I used to drink a lot back then, but I remember her having this husky voice. She was from somewhere the south. She was tall, blonde hair. There's a photo of her in the files.'
He got up from the couch and went upstairs to retrieve the file. Becca patted the empty space beside her. Ellie got up and walked over to the couch, sitting down next to her.
Becca carefully took the baby from her and placed him in his bassinet. He was asleep for now, but would probably be back up in fifteen minutes ready to eat.
She wrapped her arm around Ellie's shoulders and gently shook her,'He means well. He loves you.'
'I know.' She shook her head and sighed,'It just seems like there's so much I don't know and probably never will.'
Becca snorted and nodded,'Same here, kid.'
Joel walked back into the living room with the file in hand. He placed it on her lap and took a deep breath,'Here's what we have.'
Ellie looked up at Becca and sighed shakily. She opened up the folder and saw the name written in bold letters,'Anna Marie Williams.'
She saw the face of her mother. She had blonde hair that was shoulder length, sharp cheekbones and a defined nose. She could see a resemblance in her. She had a fierce stare with a small smile on her face.
There wasn't much information on her. Only that she was raised in South Carolina. She was twenty one in the photo. She was so young and pretty. She turned the page and saw a photo of her in her Firefly uniform. Her eyes widened when she saw Marlene, Tommy, Anna and Joel are standing on top of a hill. They wore light beige military gear with berets and combat boots.
Joel looked so young. So did Tommy. She couldn't believe her mother was apart of this. He never made the connection.
'Marlene kept the truth from me.' He frowned,'If he told me you were Anna's daughter I woulda never agreed to take ya like that. I woulda made sure you were safe.'
Ellie could see the sincerity in his eyes and nodded,'I believe you.' She took a deep breath,'Did you know my father?'
'No.' He crossed his arms over his chest,'And before ya ask. No, I did not have a relationship with her or have sex with her. I ain't your daddy by blood. I wouldn't care if ya were though. Neither was Tommy. No offense, but she wasn't his type. There's no father listed. She was a nurse in the Fireflies.'
Ellie smiled softly as she looked at Becca,'Like you.'
'Yeah.' Becca averted her eyes shyly and shrugged,'In a way maybe your mama sent you to me. We needed each other.'
She nodded as she stared down at the photo, smirking up at Joel,'You look like such a dork with a mustache. Like a carton villain.'
He stroked his beard and looked down at the photo,'I was about thirty five then. A year younger than Becca is now.'
Ellie looked over Joel's face and pursed her lips,'So you never went out with my mother?'
'No.' He cleared his throat as he glanced over at Becca,'I was with Marlene back then.'
Becca arched her eyebrow in amusement. She wasn't angry. It was in the past and years ago. She knew they had something, but she didn't know how deep.
Ellie shook her head and laughed,'This is so weird. It's like fate brought us in this room together.'
Becca and Joel stared at each other and smiled softly. They understood the meaning of her words. People like them didn't believe in fate. They thought everything leads to circumstance, but sometimes you're forced to face reality. You can't escape the clutches of fate.
Everything happens for a reason.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Time seemed to be flying be pretty quickly. Mateo was already two weeks old. They couldn't believe he was growing up so fast. He was beginning to open up his eyes and seem to stare at faces. He had blue eyes and Joel hoped they wouldn't change. He had his mama's eyes. For now at least.
It was a beautiful summer day, but there was a breeze in the air from the mountains cooling it down. She loved summers in Wyoming. Everything looked new, vibrant and alive. She could forget about the ugliness of winter and all the troubles that came right along with it.
She had a blanket sprawled out in the grass underneath a tree for shade. Mateo was covered in a hat cool, but covered clothing. She was always taught it was good for babies to be out in nature.
Mateo was perched on her lap, wide awake as his head bobbed and weaved. He could clumsily lift up his neck, but still needed some work.
She placed him on his tummy and laughed as he wiggled on the blanket. Ellie was off with Am milling about while Joel tended to the chores on the farm. She did her fair share of chores. She did what she could with stressing her body out. She needed time to heal. She required some stitching and was having heavy bleeding, which is what's to be expected. It was a crazy time for her body right now.
Joel looked out at them and grinned. He waved to them and Becca wagged back. She made eye contact with Mateo and pointed to Joel. He seemed to turn his head slightly as he struggled to turn around.
He found his heart softening. He dropped his shovel and walked over to them. He crouched down in front of his son and playfully lunged at him, making him shake his head. A slight smile on his face.
Becca smiled softly as she watched the two of them together. Joel was such a great father to their son. It had been rough the first week. The baby wasn't sleeping and they were getting snippy with each other from lack of sleep, but he finally got down to a sleeping schedule. He started sleeping almost fifteen hours a day almost.
They thought something was wrong with him until Peter assured them it was natural. They did actually have a doctor check him out. Regardless of their thoughts on Francis's cure; they believed in medicine. Their son had a clean bill of health. He was just being a baby and they were being overreacting parents.
Things finally started to settle down. They felt comfortable enough with Betsy going back home, but they welcome her when her and Am came every Sunday night for dinner. They looked forward to those dinners. She also came over every day to check on them.
Maria and Betsy were enamored with Mateo. They've also become a great help to her. They answered every question she had. They even reassured her it was alright for Mateo to sleep in his nursery. He needed to get used to sleeping on his own. The first few nights they kept checking up on him, but luckily he slept throughout the night and woke up when they did.
She would wake up most mornings and find Joel in the nursery. He would be fully dressed for the day sitting in the rocking chair by the window. Mateo would be wide awake in his arms as he talked to his son.
She never bothered him on those mornings. It was for the two of them.
She looked over his face as he played with Mateo. He seemed younger. The lines on his face were softer and he wasn't scowling anymore. He looked happy.
He playfully danced his fingers up her bare leg. His eyes trailed up her body. She was wearing a bright yellow spaghetti strapped dress. It looked to be made of lace. It was thin and loose. His eyes couldn't help but linger on her tits. They've become bigger after having the baby. She was breastfeeding, making her nipples perky as they protruded from her dress.
He's jerked off in the shower thinking about those heavy tits bouncing as he fucked her hard and deep into the mattress. How long has it been since he's had her? A month. He knew it would be another month before they could become intimate again. He could wait. He was a patient man. She was worth it.
She looked over his face and smirked,'Careful now. That's how you got me pregnant in the first place.'
He laughed and shook his head,'I can't help it. You're so damned pretty. And you just had my baby. Ya can't give me up now.'
Mateo squealed as she leaned her head back and laughed,'I wouldn't dream of it, darling.'
'I'm gonna hold ya to that.' He grinned,'Gonna get it in writing.'
She rolled her eyes and laughed,'I'll mail out the paperwork tomorrow. We're as good as married, buster. You're stuck with me forever.'
He laughed and shook his head,Don't threaten me with a good time.'
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Am sighed dramatically as Ellie lock picked Sharon's front door. He looked around and fidgeted on the stoop,'Hurry up. Anybody could see us.'
'Yeah right.' She sighed,'You're being paranoid.' She huffed as she slowly turned the pick inside the keyhole and kept turning it,'Almost there.' She grinned as she heard the click,'Voila!' She glanced back at him with a cocky smirk,'Don't ever doubt my skills.'
Am cautiously followed behind her as they walked I wish the dark house,'Tell me why we're here again?'
Ellie switched on her flashlight and sighed,'I need to see if there are anymore files on my mom. I need to find out who my father is.'
Am warily looked up at the walls and cringed,'Can we hurry up though? These place gives me the creeps knowing what that psycho bitch did.'
Ellie frowned as they made their way down the hall,'The dead can't hurt you. It's the living you have to fear the most.'
Am stared at her back. He wondered why he put the life into the hands of this girl. She always seemed to get herself in trouble. He was her friend through thick and thin. Friends supported each other.
Ellie's eyes widened as they found her office. They began rifling through her cabinets, looking for any relevant files. They started to become frustrated as they came up short. They were about to call it quits when Am came across a drawer underneath her desk. It contained a key.
'Hey!' Am lifted up the key,'Look what I found.'
Ellie snagged the key from him and pursed her lips as she looked around the room,'I wonder what it could be for. Let's check her room.'
Am's eyes widened and he shook his head,'How about let's not do that.'
Ellie ignored him and walked out of the office and upstairs to her bedroom.
Am rolled his eyes and sighed,'Okay, I guess we're doing that.'
He walked out of the office and followed her upstairs.
She was already going through her stuff. She was in her closet and gasped when she found a lockbox. Her heart pounded as she slid the key into the clock. She sighed in relief when it turned.
She opened the box and found a Manila envelope. She opened it up and there was a birth certificate. She took it out and read it over. She shook her head in disbelief as tears filled her eyes.
Her hands were shaking as she dropped the piece of paper,'No. No fucking way. That can't be.'
'What? What's it say?' He bent down and picked up the piece of paper.
He carefully read it over and laughed in shock,'Holy shit. Sharon was Anna's mom. That makes you her granddaughter.' He looked at the father listed and whistled lowly, whispering,'How come your father isn't listed?'
She rifled through the papers and her eyes fell upon a bundle of photographs. They were of her mother and a man who looked vaguely familiar. She held the photo closer to her face to inspect it. She narrowed her eyes and the man's face.
She knew this man from somewhere.
'Who are you?' She whispered to this man in the photo.
She tucked the papers into her bag. Maybe Joel would know who the man is. He seemed to be apart of the crew back then. In a weird way, she was disheartened to find he wasn't her biological father. A small part of her hoped he would be, but she knew it wouldn't be that too much of a coincidence. The timeline didn't fit either.
Ellie sighed as she kicked the lockbox into the closet,'Come on. Let's get outta here.'
Am nodded and sighed in relief. They headed out the back door this time and parted ways. Am back home and Ellie back at the ranch.
She wouldn't bring this to their attention until she had more information. She needed to know if Joel had any more files up in his room.
She was determined to find out who her father is. She needed that closure to finally move on with her life. Everyone deserved to know that.