05 A squire in distress
27 December 1999, late afternoon
On finishing stock-taking of their provisions in the kitchen in the evening and being pleased that a trip to another local and probably also socially exhausting store could easily be postponed to tomorrow or even the day after, Hermione heard Severus talk in the living room with apparently feigned joy. On slowly entering, she saw that he floo-called with Minerva back at Hogwarts. They must have recognized his absence then.
"The wards informed me that Miss Granger was in the castle, but left at the same time you did. Do you happen to know anything about it, Severus?" she asked mildly interested. "Remus as Head of House should at least know about the whereabouts of his students."
"She's here with me."
"Severus, what's the meaning of this?" Minerva enquired.
"There was no twisted subtext to stumble over, Minerva. Are you done questioning me? I'd like to return to my reading."
"Severus, stop pretending that this was to be expected given your—depreciative attitude towards the girl."
"I have no intention pretending anything. Not even normality regarding your sudden interest in her. And I haven't recognized you to suddenly be above said attitude," he growled at her.
Minerva seemed to be speechless and Severus oppressed the sneer that wanted to show at the sight of her indignation.
"I trust she is listening. May we step through, Severus? I think Remus would appreciate talking to his charge shortly," Minerva said, obviously fighting for self-restraint.
His charge? Hermione couldn't believe her ears. When exactly had she started to rank again? Severus turned around and shot her a questioning look. He had obviously expected her to be listening. She nodded slightly, her face impassive. She saw him wave his wand at her before lifting the wards off the hearth. Some seconds later both headmistress and Head of Gryffindor House stepped through the fireplace into Severus' living room.
"Thank you," Minerva stiffly said, looking around the room, which seemed to differ from her expectations. Well, Hermione knew that feeling as – funnily enough – also did the landlord.
"Good evening, Severus. Thank you for allowing our spontaneous intrusion," Remus greeted politely. "Hermione, it's good to see you."
At that she raised her eyebrow, eager to show her incredulity.
"Good evening, Remus, Professor," she plainly reacted.
"We just wanted to know if you are alright," Minerva said, her eyes coming to rest on her.
"Thank you," Hermione offered, while processing Minerva's sentence, but being interrupted by Remus.
"Hermione, are you wearing a glamour," Remus asked watching her intently. She remembered his wand-waving at her so thanks to Severus' fast reaction on their arrival, she did. With a little pride she congratulated herself for obviously really having perfected her advanced one, otherwise he wouldn't be wondering now.
Only the greetings had been exchanged and she already had enough of their charade: 'Good to see you. '...see if you are alright,' she mentally rolled her eyes. Severus and she have had very intense and intimate two days of trustful emotional turmoil with talking, admitting, freaking-out, crying, soothing and reassuring, which was even more exhausting since they both hadn't expected to ever do that with one another. And Minerva's and Remus' hypocrisy was nothing she could muster the nerve for, especially not since they intruded into their much needed calming process, probably right before the next round of sorting things out.
She looked at Severus, but his face was blank, deliberately so, she mused. He seemed to be fighting to retain a minimum of social acceptability at their intrusion. He was likely much too private for such escapades. Once again, she recognized in awe that her animal spirits were indeed back. He had managed that, almost magically, and she started to really get annoyed on Severus' behalf, too.
Looking back at Remus, she said matter-of-factly: "Severus put the glamour on me before you came." Satisfied that Remus shot her glances of slight alarm, she went on. "Since my core is weak, I cannot tamper with it."
The other two teachers meanwhile simply looked confused. So much for interest in her well-being on Minerva's side, she thought ironically. Now, that was fun!
"And why would he do that," Remus asked deliberately slowly, while Minerva looked at Severus, who stood next to her, but didn't seem intended to participate in the conversation.
"To hide what's beneath. I asked him to do it, because I feel uncomfortable showing my badges of resistance to others," she said cautiously and was proud of not grinning at their confusion regarding the obvious subtext. But she just couldn't resist, this was too good a chance to miss, "What brought you here?"
"We were confused about your unannounced short presence at the castle and here," Minerva gestured vaguely around, "and wanted to see if everything is fine."
At that Hermione let herself go. "Merlin, look at him," she exclaimed gesturing towards Severus and they indeed did. "He is obviously fine. I haven't killed him yet and chances are high, you'll start with a fully intact potions master into the new term. I promise to behave myself. No more collateral damage due to my—impulses."
All three teachers now starred at her. Even Severus was flabbergasted, but he recognized the sarcasm and couldn't deny liking her approach to their questionable motives. It was brutal and fun. She had obviously come to the same conclusion regarding their motives as he had. Merlin, she was fast on the uptake, Severus acknowledged inwardly. Hermione fought to remain impassive.
"That was not what I meant, I wanted to know if you were-," was as far as Remus came before being interrupted by Hermione, "—still alive?"
"Yes, uh, no!" He glanced at Severus. "If you were—okay here. I mean, it's not that you and Severus were on polite speaking terms, rather the contrary, so we were concerned-," Remus verbally stumbled. Concerned about him killing me, though not out of concern about me, Hermione thought bitterly.
"Hmm, you know-," she tilted her head contemplatively, "I wonder if all Hogwart's staff is having paperwork issues," she asked, just like to herself. Severus had schooled his face back to impassiveness.
"Come again," Remus insisted and Minerva appeared to be close to losing patience at all.
"The paperwork that is required in case one of your students dies on your watch. Severus, I came to know, despises paperwork of this kind and regarding your unexpected concern, this is the only logical explanation for me, too. You both knew and actively contributed to my pariah state. You Remus knew how everyone and especially how Professor McGonagall has treated me. You have recognized my decay, but not even bothered to seek me out and at least once ask about my well-being," Hermione raised her hand towards Remus in a silencing gesture, when he wanted to start speaking, "Even after the burning hex incident in October it took three days of my absence from public life until you checked if I was still alive. And even then you didn't ask about my condition-," she looked at Severus, who had inhaled sharply while his eyes betrayed incredulity. So he hadn't known about that.
"But now that you came to know I was with Severus, the former Death Eater and the one teacher with first-hand murder experience, while you are the two professors officially in charge of me in the first and second instance, you are suddenly interested in my well-being? Uh! Sorry, but well-being is clearly exaggerating it, I think I definitely just established that. Let's say, you're interested in my not dying. Well-, why is that, I wonder? I assume you happened to have read the school rules lately, which state that you even are in charge of students of age. And now you're worried why the dubious and hateful Potions master brought me here. Surely I wouldn't have come of my own free will. And you need to check if you could do anything against being held responsible in case he is going to snap and break my neck."
She was finally interrupted by the so far speechless headmistress, whose face was the same scarlet color as the Christmas balls on Hermione's tree behind her.
"Miss Granger this is absolutely uncalled-for. We are here for you..." she yelled, but was interrupted by her student.
"Hypocritical bollocks. You are here, most mildly put, out of confusion about the turn of events. And now you are trying to get the picture straight. I trust you're recalling Severus' past, which is very likely one of the reasons that brought you here. But rest assured, should he get tempted poisoning me, and I trust that would be the method of choice, I'd end up a case of body nowhere to be found, so you could easily spread the word of me having dropped out of school legally compliant and having returned to the Muggle world without further notice. See? No excessive tedious paperwork for any of you three! And simply due to Severus being wise and patient enough not having had his go at me during classes, which surely must have been tempting, and even being contemplative enough to pick a time to kidnap me when there were no witnesses around."
"Hermione Jean Granger, are you completely out of your mind? How dare you take that tone with us and insinuate such abominable motives," Minerva shouted at her with rage, the men simply starring at her. Remus, she recognized, looked oddly contemplative, but that Severus' eyes betrayed some kind of awe, Hermione didn't know since she'd decided not to look at him anymore. For the second time of another too long day, she needed to speak her truth, no matter the consequences. And she wondered, even while speaking, if it was possible to be expelled for insulting two of Hogwarts' staff on duty during holidays and outside school.
"How? Well, quite easily to be honest. And I thought I just made clear why that is no hardship for me. You never showed any positive interest in me, quite the contrary. It's only two months ago that you changed the terms of detentions after disarming me for no reason and then kept withholding my wand from me, an adult witch, under threat of expulsion. And then you made me scrub the purposefully arranged mess of other students away on my hands and knees with the whole school watching. According to my moral understanding such public humiliation and demonstration of superiority over a student by taking me at my disadvantage undoubtedly count as abominable motives. Thus, where I'm concerned, they are not just insinuated." Hermione had to force herself to keep calm with a deep breath. "And surely is elevating your behavior towards me over Severus' brazen. When unable to ignore me, your looks told me off for my rudeness to be alive after all, wasting your time and oxygen and I'm still impressed how you managed to imply into nearly everything that you simply thought me lacking even the minimum of decency to go somewhere else. No matter the sacrifice I made to ensure the order still had Harry at their disposal to win the final battle. Your heads still work like in the bad old times, we had wanted to overcome: It's just black and white by random definitions. That's why people, who had to be, what they were not and to do, what they were not made for, cannot be seen holistically by you and are always doubtfully and vigilantly watched — Severus and I do share some experience in that regard-. No, I haven't finished yet. You listen now! You came here after all with dubious reasons and pretended to want a chat with me to see if I were alright and if everything was fine. And I think I am just offering one on exactly that topic and I'd appreciate finishing it. So-. Whatever horrible ideas you came up with regarding a possible scenario in this house and the resulting discomfort for you, rest assured, I trust Severus with my life and implicitly so. He saved the lives of us students, and mine in particular more than twice now. So let there be a range of inept cruelty on the list of possible concern regarding him, but homicide certainly is not and so far he has been nothing but downright decent, understanding and helpful," Hermione finished, hoping her voice hadn't betrayed her growing discomposure. She hoped there wouldn't be a panic attack now, but so far it looked like her mind could do far better with this productive emotional strain. Nice to know.
There was a screaming silence filling the room since she had finished her monologue. Minerva had her fists clenched and very obviously struggled to remain her self-control. She turned to look at Severus.
"Why is she here with you, Severus? And I don't want a subterfuge but an answer," Minerva demanded tightly.
The answer to this question was what Hermione had feared. She had exasperated them both now, which was not her basic concern as a human, but as a student it was, since Remus and Minerva were officially in charge of her. If Severus told them now about the scope of her suicidal tendencies, they would directly send her to a psychiatric clinic being glad about the perfect excuse for not having to put up further with her and even getting her out of the wizarding world. Hermione winced inwardly at their advantage of killing two birds with one stone. But what disturbed her nearly more was the fact that they would know and possibly spread the news about how they had collectively und successfully broken her. The recent happenings indicated that there would be a general tendency towards relief or even joy. Well, neither of it was hers to change and she tried to fill herself with an attitude of self-composure to shield herself for whatever was going to come. Merlin, only now she recognized how much she wanted to stay here with Severus. Hermione kept telling herself firmly that leaving now would be with fine memories and a not so dramatic bow-out on a high.
"I also came to enjoy an insight into what is going on inside her head on numerous topics surrounding the last twenty months. Consider yourself lucky that she decided to reason with you. Our encounter was a little more—intense—on more than one level. But it was Christmas Day after all, so the merry gentleman in me assigned detentions for the rest of her school career in favor of a complete point loss for your House, Remus. You may like to hear that Miss Granger wholeheartedly agreed to that, after she had regained her composure. Thus, our whereabouts boil down to cling together, swing together," he finished nonchalantly.
Hermione was now rendered speechless by his Slytherin mind: He had not lied about the events by making something up, but by omission and a very vague summary. Her face was about to betray her and she started to tremble slightly, looking down at some nondescript place on the ground, she folded her arms to stop from shaking and hoped no one would want her to talk right now.
"Are you implying she is serving detentions now and here?" Remus asked puzzled.
"Not now. Here-, yes, plus catching up leeway. You really didn't see to her, Lupin, did you? However, as you are aware, I'm taking my detention administration seriously, and I'm not going to waste her potions-brewing talent when I can do with assistance." He smiled inwardly at that as he knew, Hermione must have gotten the hint and he hoped this would relax her a bit. Merlin, he wanted to throw them out, how dare they questioning him and in his house above all? But since Hermione took her stand, and entertainingly so, he had decided to be as tolerating as possible for another ten minutes.
"You could have done this at school, Severus-," Remus said in a tone indicating base motives.
Or less than ten minutes. This was enough now for Severus. He bolted upright to his full size, his whole demeanor suddenly murderous.
"I'm going to say this once: Refrain from such implication and from using that tone with me! Furthermore, be informed that thick-skinned doesn't suit you, Lupin. So better take the hints from Miss Granger and me. We both fancied a change of scenery and she took me up on my offer. This is as far as explanations go as none of us owe you one on our respective holiday plans. And consider yourself lucky to have gotten any at all, hadn't it been for Miss Granger's urge to word her thoughts, I would have ended this the second you accused me of planning to murder a student, and not even Potter for that matter. This is where any justification on my actions and conversation ends. You may leave now."
Minerva remained silent, while Remus faced the younger woman.
"Hermione, may I have another word with you? In private, please," Remus asked and then turned to Severus, "And then we'll be gone, I promise."
"For your or my comfort," she asked plainly.
"Mine, mainly," he admitted and glanced at Severus with obvious unease, who in turn swept towards the kitchen.
"I offer you three minutes of privacy since a potion needs attention. After that it's Miss Granger's decision," he snarled.
"Well, use them, I should say," Hermione offered.
Suddenly Minerva regained her composure.
"I insist that you finally refrain from your disrespectful attitude. You are talking to your Head of House," she shot.
But Remus silenced her with a wave of his hand and took a step towards Hermione. "I didn't prepare a speech and am lost for eloquence right now. I admit you do have your point and I'd appreciate to talk with you about it all and apologize to you for my attitude. Profoundly so. Hermione, should you want to go somewhere else, because this", he gestured at the room, "doesn't suit you anymore, you may make use of my flat. You'll have it at your disposal for the remainder of the break."
Hermione was confused by his words and that he sounded irritatingly sincere and polite. Where was this coming from? Had they talked some sense into him? Triggered some spontaneous self-reflection skills? This was interesting and, although she didn't want it to be, a good feeling. She locked eyes with him and nodded. "I appreciate that, thank you Remus," she managed, "but right now I am really fine here."
"You do look like it! But he had hurt you before-, even before we did. You do know how nasty he can get. And I can see that he is totally different towards you now and I am positively surprised," Remus stopped at Severus' sudden return, but gathered himself and went on, "but I am also unsure for reasons and duration. With your magic drained, this could become dangerous," he ended, visibly uncomfortable.
Gazing from one man to the other, Hermione processed his words to decide what way of answering felt right. It was getting tiresome, Minerva was obviously appalled by Remus' concerned approach and Severus was smart enough to gather that Remus had talked about him and his disputable and inconsistent personality.
"I do have problems understanding why you are suddenly concerned about me, but apart from the thoughts I shared about that before, I can't ignore a confusing sensation of authenticity, strangely alike to the one I also felt at Severus' changed attitude. It's unexpectedly nice and yet feels authentic. I don't know about your reasons for your display of antipathy before and I have right now no intention to find out, but I strongly insist that you refrain from judging Severus in this regard in front of me. His behavior had never been single-leveled and shallow. And you know that! I ensure you, he came up with a convincing explanation for his behavior or change of, respectively. No don't look at me like that! Try to take my meaning! It is Severus we are talking about. Nothing is ever simple with him and about him. And the explanation he offered, is as twisted and Snapeish as they come and he is certainly the only one I can forgive this. Trust me, no one else would have gotten away with it and li—and smile. But to Severus the usual rules don't apply. I came to accept that," she finished firmly.
Remus just looked at her and seemed to process her meaning.
"He's not smiling," Remus offered disarmingly and Hermione shortly evaluated if she wanted to join in to his appeasement strategy.
"He will be, as soon as he came up with a detention task annoying enough to create an expression on my face that will make up for what he had to endure tonight by listening to the emotional crab I said about him," Hermione took Remus up on his offer to lighten the mood. Looking at Severus with a twinkle, she saw his lips twitch slightly. The only one still stern was Minerva, standing stock-still at the fireplace.
"So, my offer is on. You may use my flat, I won't bother you, or you could come back to Hogwarts with us. I'd arrange your detentions as well until the term starts again. And I'd also think of something useful," Remus offered.
"I appreciate that, Remus, thank you," Hermione said honestly. "But I'd rather stay here," she now locked eyes with Severus, "if you'd let me, that is-," she half-asked with wide eyes.
Severus was confused by this. Apart from the fact that he had somehow feared – regarding her mental state and some minor jealousy in him – she would take Remus up on his offer, he also thought that he had made it obvious she was welcome here. Gryffindors, he mentally rolled his eyes, always need the obvious to be stated.
Severus held her gaze. "I would appreciate your presence at least until the table issue you brought up would be reasonably cleared."
Calculating, Hermione tilted her head. "That is a—very special case, which needs finesse, patience and likely just a lot of time. I wouldn't hold out too much hope for even having it finished before the summer," she mused aloud.
"Thank Merlin, I had the wards recognize you," Severus said, locking eyes with her again.
Minerva stood still as a rock with a tight but otherwise impassive face, while Remus' face clearly showed his recognition of a subtext to this conversation, the meaning of which he didn't access. But he saw that Hermione and Severus seemed to do as they both immediately appeared to be more content. Hermione read his Slytherin way of assuring her she was welcome, even something like anytime and was relieved by the flicker of relief in his eyes, when she confessed, she wanted to stay no matter the other offers and made the effort to ensure him about their disguised project.
"Very well, good night to you. You may contact me anytime, Hermione. And-, ahem, I hope you'll offer me the chance to explain myself and apologize one day," Remus humbly said.
"We'll have a chance. Good night, Remus-, Professor," she curtly added, while the three teachers simply stuck to glances, Minerva's more than displeased. Then the two Gryffindors were gone.
.o.O.o.
Hermione folded her arms, she felt like throwing up. She needed rest, no more emotional upheaval for some time, but a day at least and she needed to tell Severus that and if necessary hide in bed. It simply was too much and she just settled into the sofa behind her. Severus wordlessly retreated into the kitchen and soon came back with tea and scones and settled down next her, handing her a cup.
"Thank you."
They sat in silence for some minutes and she intently examined the tea cup in her hands.
"And thank you for the brilliant summary of our intense encounter. I'm glad they don't get to bathe in the success of their bashing and that you didn't hand me over to them."
"So that's what you expected to happen?" he asked irritated and turned to look at Hermione, who kept staring at her mug.
"No. No-, not really. But I'm Remus' duty after all and now that they are back at school—well, you indicated before that—well, nothing. I'm just so drained, my emotions are cut loose, I may just have gotten myself expelled and my judgment is cloudy. Never mind," she trailed off.
"Expecting me to read your mind to come up with something calming, huh? Lucky you that I can live up to that credit, though we need to clear your view on general Slytherin abilities-," he stopped when she turned to look at him.0 "I offered it as a loophole for your reassurance to not being stuck with me for longer than needed, since I had forced my presence on you. As for the expulsion: it's holidays, we're not at school and this was an interpersonal matter detached from school. If Minerva is able to handle it as such remains to be seen, so better sidestep her where ever possible, but at least Lupin has obviously changed his loyalties."
She gave a restrained smile and really fancied physical reassurance.
"I'm aware that you must be exhausted, even I am. No more forcing our grueling conversations for some time from my side. I trust opportunities will offer themselves and we'll make use of them. But, for my peace of mind, I need to straighten something now," Severus said determined and rested his eyes on her, seeing how she bit her lower lip before turning towards him. Hermione nodded and he turned on the sofa to fully face her. "Should you get tempted again to have a lie-in, there needs to be clarity regarding the subsequent step."
"I know. You'll send me to Park House," Hermione said seriously.
"Wha-? No!" Severus nearly shouted. "Merlin, woman! I won't hand you over to the impersonal atmosphere of a hospital crowned by patient-manacling staff. Or to Remus or Minerva either."
Her eyes brimmed with sudden tears. Severus moved closer and shortly squeezed her hand.
"If you ever get tempted again, and I don't care if it were every bloody day, you will let me know, so I can see to you." He smoothed away her falling tears. "No explanation, just a code word-. Snow seems fitting," he added gently and Hermione was glad that his impassiveness had gone.
"I promise to bother you anytime necessary," she whispered and this time it was his turn to nod relieved. At the sight of this something suddenly clicked. "You really are okay with having me here," she said amazed as if to herself.
His lips twitched. "Recall the last eight years and tell me why else you would be here-, crazy Gryffindor?"
Hermione smiled warmly at the older man and was truly touched by his relaxed and content appearance.
Not wanting to leave the cozy living room yet, Hermione settled back to the floor in front of the fireplace where her books were piled now, due to the intruders before. She rearranged some of them at least to get back to the tasks Severus had given her.
When her back started to protest against the bent position, she leaned back against the solidity of the armchair, pressed the book she just read to her chest and closed her eyes. What a shame that tiredness would overwhelm her soon. The books of Severus' personal library were great and this was the best detention task and atmosphere ever and she didn't want to postpone any of it till tomorrow. And the latter grew even better, when Severus' fingers started to absently fiddle with some of her curls that lay on his arm-rest. She remained motionless so not to startle him and smiled at the thought that Severus surely wasn't aware of what he did.
"Are you asleep?" he asked, his hand suddenly stopping its movement.
"Just very relaxed and wondering if Remus has finished justifying his weakness in approach to Minerva, yet. They gave a strange performance," she answered while watching the small, but still dancing flames.
Severus snorted slightly. "They did? You defended me," he said amused. "I wonder, when exactly I became confusable with a damsel in distress," he inquired half seriously.
"Don't be ridiculous. You are a man by any definition, so a squire in distress, rather." She smiled cheekily. "And better don't overestimate yourself. I was pissed on behalf of us both. They wrapped two howling insults in a single social-concern-feigning question and expected us to fall for it. How impudent to insult our intelligence like this, tsk-," she said airily indignant. "I appreciate that you let me do the honors," she added.
After a moment of confusion about what to feel on everything Hermione had just said, Severus started to chuckle genuinely amused, "My pleasure. Feigning indifference was a tough job."
Hermione joined-in before both were returning to their books, hers now resting on her cocked legs. Severus couldn't remember when, or if at all, he ever had felt the presence of another person this relaxing. Shortly after, his fingers returned to fiddling with her hair, probably unconsciously as Hermione mused and they both enjoyed their intimate and silent sit-in.