06 Self-forgiveness abilities

29 December 1999

"What did the Granger-cow tell you?" Draco spat at Severus, who had the guts to intrude into his home without notification and even made himself at home in one of the armchairs without invitation.

"Nothing to work with. She said you should have been awarded for what you did, but that it had surely cost you. And I now see it did and you still seem to be paying."

"I told that stupid chit to leave me alone. And the same goes for you, Severus. I am fine and I'm not interested in talking about anything with you and surely not about anything that had happened during her stay- in the Manor."

"You decided to move-in here completely? It feels more homely than the Manor, doesn't it, Draco?" Severus asked, looking around the room. It was a nice pool house, probably the size of his. Large windows surrounded the ground floor, offering a beautiful view into the garden of the Manor. Or so they would, had the heavy curtains be open. Draco had managed to create an atmosphere of dark- and hopelessness. So far Severus wasn't sure if the young man was aware of it or if this slipped his mind. With a wave of his wand the curtains moved aside and one door opened widely to let some fresh wintry air flood the room. Draco was unimpressed and remained motionless in his armchair. In the daylight his overly pale face even seemed to glow.

"When have you been outside for the last time?" the older man asked concerned.

"Oh, come on. Spare me any feigned concern. I have no intention talking to you. I tell you I am fine and enjoying my peaceful life. I trust you wouldn't want to be late for lunch. Goodbye, professor."

"I'm in no hurry and able to tell the time. So there's no need to be concerned about punctuality on my behalf. Tea?"

"I cannot remember to have offered, but I do remember assuring you, I was fine and wanted you to leave about half a minute ago. Unbelievable that I have to become obvious with you of all people. Are you spending too much time in the presence of Gryffindors lately?" Draco mocked now.

"You have no idea! And yes, they are rubbing off indeed" Severus smiled inwardly. "I'll get tea ready and we can have a nice little chat over it then."

"Severus! I'm really-"

"-Fine. I know," Severus interrupted. "Because everything you say four times in four minutes is obviously true. I wonder why I'm not convinced, especially considering the cheerful atmosphere of your- cave."

Severus assessed Draco vigilantly. He looked sick and defeated and seemed to have chosen to bury himself alive. Merlin, what had the war, or rather the party in Hermione's and Draco's cases, done to those kids that had once been so full of life? It had broken himself on many levels, but he had been a slave to both sides and two masters for decades. It was deeply perturbing that nine days of perversion had been enough to profoundly and sustainably break these two young and once immensely self-confident souls.

Draco, still in his armchair, glowered at the staring older man, who was completely unimpressed. And as it dawned on Severus that this was not due to his own sense of magical superiority, but because Draco opposite of him simply was a shadow of the young man with the haughty demeanor he used to be, he decided to fully spring into action. Once more so in only one week.

.o.O.o.

"You were right convincing me to seek him out. Draco is not well. He won't talk about it. Would you join us?"

"Because I volunteered so eagerly to share what had happened and he finally and desperately wants us to reunite to sort it all out over some cake and tea?" she asked, irritated at Severus' very direct approach. Draco's condition obviously had impressed him. And negatively so.

Severus was taken aback by her sarcasm and came to stand next to her.

"He needs to see you. The you that has forgiven him. Rest assured, he'll neither be pleased to see you nor faking to be. But he has buried himself alive in his pool house and maybe confronting him with your presence could weaken his attitude," he explained plainly, while Hermione kept starring at her book trying to evaluate her feelings on this.

"I would need you to stay-, I mean to help me since I might be indisposed to returning on my own should a panic attack be triggered. You understood that you might not like what you'll hear, right? Although we both know that you are aware of the rough direction of the happenings, you mustn't forget that the devil's in the details," Hermione stated matter-of-factly and shot him a questioning look.

Taking a seat next to her, Severus brushed his lank hair out of his face and breathed out audibly.

"I wasn't thinking properly. Compared to Christmas, you now seem so balanced and strong. Of course I know you couldn't talk about it. I didn't mean to shanghai you into an anxiety-inducing situation. We'll do it the way you consider best for you. I'll find one with Draco anyway," he ensured her emphatically.

Hermione got up and went to the terrace door. The snow was melting and the terrace had become one large puddle. 'Balanced and strong,' it echoed in her mind. Maybe, but surely only due to Severus' calming presence. However he managed to maintain that. His observation was correct though. She was much better, but since much worse hadn't really been possible, this didn't really allow drawing reliable conclusions of her overall condition.

"Does he know about your plan? I mean that you're fetching me?" she finally asked.

"He has been informed," Severus offered.

At that Hermione snorted. "And I trust the kettle has just boiled, huh?"

"You were right about the insults," he carefully answered and Hermione smiled at his Slytherin answer. She had come to enjoy them.

"Lovely. Far be it from me to refuse a chance to educate myself further- in any area. Shall we?"

She had insisted on Apparating into Malfoy Manor. This was unproblematic since Severus was still recognized by the wards from the earlier days of close friendship with Lucius and Narcissa. Draco would very likely join them as soon as the wards in the pool house would have informed him about unannounced visitors.

"Which way to the drawing room?" she asked when they appeared in the entrance hall. Severus felt uneasy and especially so because Hermione seemed so unaffectedly determined since he had asked her to come along.

"This way."

He took the lead and she followed his pace and accepted his offering gesture and entered the room first and without hesitation - it was all or nothing. If she started to let everything sink in, she'd bolt immediately. But she wanted to see it. In the minute she had decided to see Draco, she knew she wanted to see this again, for a last time and without the monsters. Like some kind of confrontation therapy that Muggles do, which are supposed to help coming to terms with things or, which was more likely in this case, rather simply trigger the trauma and thus proving not helpful at all, since this visit wasn't led by a professional. However, she had wanted to give-in to her sudden urge anyway.

Severus saw her walking inside the room and looking around. It wasn't too different from 18 months ago. Clean though. He wondered what she was doing repetitively starring at the ceiling while moving further into the room. He tried to find what she might be searching for, but was puzzled. On returning his gaze to Hermione, he immediately felt like vomiting and had to steady himself at the chaise longue next to him. She lay on the floor, exactly where she had lain during the party.

Goodness, she had used the paintings on the ceiling as an orientation to find the spot where she had been fixated. Unable to bear the sight, he turned his back on her and by doing so saw Draco entering with his wand in his hand.

"Merlin, it's you. You really returned! Couldn't you have come back to the pool house? This is rather rude, Severus," he snarled at him. "What's the matter? You look sick."

At recognizing a movement in the middle of the room, his gaze fell on Hermione on the floor and Draco was about to lose it, but suddenly his body betrayed him, his knees buckled and he sank to the floor. Both men acknowledged their respective reaction to the sight of her. Draco literally swallowed bile and wanted to slap her more than anything else.

"Granger-, have you lost your mind, you insane chit?" he asked in a furor under his breath.

Severus had pulled himself together slightly and silenced him with a calming gesture.

"Hermione, get up, would you? At least as long as we're in the room, too," he said firmly, glad that his voice was only slightly betraying the real extension of his upheaval. Now he was even grateful for having seen her in the snowy garden as that had toughened him a bit for seeing her on the floor, anew and here of all places. Damn the insane chit!

She sat up and watched both of them. Draco was pale enough to make Severus' skin-color appear healthy, his eyes hollow and darkly circled. He suffered. And Hermione suddenly came to the realization that she might not be able to do this. Whatever this really was. Merlin, she had even failed herself. Hermione and Draco got back to their feet simultaneously. He still had his wand ready and glowered at her.

"Draco, put your wand away this instant or I'll store it for the remainder of our stay," Severus commanded and after a short moment he complied.

"Insane chit? I've expected more creativity from you. You've clearly spoiled me during my last visit," Hermione said with feigned indignation and moved towards him until there were only about two meters between them.

"I reckon I owe his intrusion to you?" He nodded towards Severus.

"And not a day too late after what I've been told- and can see myself," she countered, holding his gaze.

"I told you to refrain from any contact out of whatever kind of concern. I am fine and willingly enjoying some peace and quiet after all the turbulences that filled our childhood. I'd appreciate if you'd leave now. And for good," Draco snarled, the dismissal in his voice obvious.

Severus was increasingly lost for patience. "Be so kind and use your brain! I gathered this was not your focus lately, but try at least, would you? Then inwardly take a step back and observe the small parts of your life we've witnessed so far and then it should become crystal-clear to you that us leaving is not an option." He was very close to fall into full teacher mode.

Hermione had turned her gaze to Severus, who stood nearly next to a currently speechless Draco and starred him down. She could tell that he was not only impatient but concerned, although not knowing about what in particular or at most. She spontaneously decided to go for brutal confrontation before the useless verbal battle would get out of control in their stupid power play.

Without further ado Hermione audibly zipped her sweat jacket open revealing a low-cut shirt. When both men turned to look at her, she took a deep breath and lifted her glamour. Both men were visibly shocked. If possible at all, Draco even lost more color and grimaced, while Severus, who hadn't seen any of her bodily scars so far, turned to stony-faced. Knowing and seeing were two very different things. Now that they were attentive, she pulled her shirt a bit deeper making her cleavage visible. Severus had restored his brain activity and promptly shifted his gaze to her face, but she remembered herself that this was about Draco and thus she focused her gaze on the younger man.

"Remember this one?" she asked, pointing on the dark purple scar that, as far as visible, crawled from her left breast via her cleavage to her right and all the way up to her neck. "In St-Mungo's they said that whoever treated it, ensured I wouldn't bear an open wound for the rest of my life," she added as Draco simply kept starring at her in horror, obviously remembering any of the occasions he had touched her. She was slightly concerned he might faint out. Severus had meanwhile decided to look at said scar. All of a sudden, Draco raised his wand and waved her jacket close again. Hermione didn't so much as flinch, but Severus immediately Accioed Draco's wand.

"Don't you dare ever again to only lift your wand against her," he growled menacingly.

"It's alright, Severus. Draco won't harm me," Hermione wanted to calm him.

"Forgive me for not sharing your implicit trust in obviously every former Death Eater," he said snidely while storing the wand in a hidden pocket of his coat. She clearly had too-much-trust issues, he thought annoyed.

Hermione was able to read his condition: he really struggled for self-restraint. She shot Severus a warning look, but bit back a comment in favor of making a mental note of elaborating on that implicit-trust topic one day. This was getting worse. Her thoughts were interrupted by Draco.

"What are you now, Severus? My surrogate father? Needing to take appropriate measures as the little boy might not comply?" Draco mocked, but mental overstraining was written all over his face.

"Someone should be and I've had enough for now. I've watched you growing up and since there is no one else around, I'll be what you need me to be – by my perception. Have I made myself clear, Draco?" he patronizingly asked the now furious, but still puzzled young man with the clenched fists.

Hermione cleared her throat to change the topic back.

"In fact, Draco, hadn't it been for your performance every day, I wouldn't have survived. Your cleaning saved me."

Draco snorted and shook his head.

"Looking at you makes me wonder why you approve of having survived. It must be ever so pleasing to look into the mirror every day and see this," he snidely commented and gestured at her upper body.

Charming, she thought, while silencing Severus with a gesture of her hand. She decided not to fall for the insult.

"Don't be ridiculous, I only possess so much vanity and still don't manage to look into a mirror every day," she countered. "I'm not a masochist. Although you might have gotten the impression from all the happy-cries during my special treatment here in this room. And, yeah, also from my refusal of using the bathroom for a couple of days in favor of uninterrupted lounging on your floor to ensure I wouldn't miss a chance for someone offering to satisfy my masochistic desires. And you were indeed a downright disappointment regarding this! Just all soft and not seeing my real inner needs- Yet, I acknowledge your good will for trying to keep me decent during the time. I had obviously lost my common sense, so that was very thoughtful of you. I trust-," Hermione's sarcastic mocking was interrupted by Draco.

"I raped you for Merlin's sake," he suddenly shouted at her, agony in his voice.

Hermione immediately looked left to Severus, who processed it for a second before his face betrayed his utter shock. He had gone pale. Well, paler. What was it with those two and their skin color? Slytherin House should reside into dorms with windows and daylight, she mused, but reminded herself to focus on business at hand. And that was Draco, who looked very boyish now with his fists clenched and jaws pressed together, obviously struggling for countenance.

"That's not only your preferred way to look at it, but the only one, I take it?" she asked bluntly.

"I raped you five times," he continued.

She took a step towards him. "Draco-, I have never perceived it as that. Not once. You couldn't bear my miserable condition and came up with a way to ease my suffering. Your horror and disgust at my sight had been real, though not for being me or a mudblood, but for what I had been done to. I knew it then and still do now. You cleaned me and let me drink and buoyed me up. Told me he-," Hermione nodded at Severus, "was still in play and to be strong. You somehow knew and kept Severus' secret because you wanted him to succeed. You were- you are a good guy."

"I fucked you Granger, while fixated-"

"And you surely only managed it thanks to a potion, because you loathed it. But did it anyway, because it was the only way to secretly treat my wounds and feed me water." She turned to address Severus, who looked slightly less murderous now.

"He gave a snobbish aristocrat performance that truly lived up to the Malfoy name," Hermione explained in an easy voice. "He pretended wanting to show me my place, but of course didn't intend to "catch his death of filth" by doing so. Thus, he cleaned me before springing into action. And secretly also saw to my wounds, just so much that no one would notice, once a day."

Hermione looked back to Draco. "Thus, may a mirror be ashamed of having to reflect me, I still know, I'd be far worse off, hadn't it been for you."

Severus nearly winced at that and wanted to snap Draco's neck for having brought that up in the first place. Not that Severus himself was above such statements, but regarding her, he wasn't only healed from it, but also unable to tolerate them on her behalf.

"I forced myself on you-," Draco started again unable to let go.

"As considerate and careful as the circumstances allowed and-," she inhaled deeply, not sure if she wanted to share what she was about to share "and I-," she exhaled sharply "I enjoyed the warmth of your cheek at mine and your whisper in my ear," she winced and fought back the tremble in her voice. "Despite our history, you repetitively and deliberately had done something good that already back then had cost you highly and that you still pay for today. That is a most noble trait of character, Draco. If there had ever been anything to forgive, which I doubt, then consider it forgiven. And now focus on forgiving yourself. And not for the alleged crime you believe to have committed, but for not having recognized your actions as the blessing in disguise they were for me. And then for Merlin's sake return to living. Come back to Hogwarts, get your degree or do whatever, but stop wasting your talent and life entombed alone in a darkened pool house!"

.o.O.o.

Both men remained mainly motionless. While Draco seemed to process her words, Severus seemed to be completely petrified, simply starring at the floor in front of her. Her knowledge of his emotional and empathic side woke an urge to hug him close. Suddenly Draco's vision became focused and he locked eyes with her.

"You went back to Hogwarts again?" he asked hoarsely and cleared his throat. Well, that was unexpected, Hermione thought, but then again maybe not so much since this had certainly been the most innocuous part of her speech. Nice loop-hole, Malfoy.

"I did. And being of age has its advantages over there. You should contemplate it," she said invitingly.

"I take it that lacking distractions a proper enemy offers in contrast to the war-heroine admirers, renders school life a tad boring, huh?" he smirked, looking like the young snotty boy he once was.

"Hmm, I wouldn't consider myself lacking proper enemies, but I certainly wouldn't mind a- well-disposed one," she answered with a twinkle. "I shall leave you two to it now. And preferably before Severus' ability to speak also returns and I'll unavoidably find myself on the receiving end of the immanent presumption of two Slytherins. I can only take so much of that, you know?" she teased and hoped the atmosphere between the two men would stay more lightly than it had been before.

Finally, also Severus mien had turned from stony to surprised, Hermione asserted satisfied and she took out her wand to Apparate back on her own. Her core, she knew, would manage that. The darker man meanwhile watched her intently and closed the distance between them.

"Will you be okay on your own until tonight?" he asked quietly.

"Certainly. As long as I know you guys are trusting your intuition rather than egos," she looked at them both, "and are willing to openly acknowledge them as what they are," she over-pronounced the last part of the sentence, before adding, "Mummy leaves now to have an undisturbed and uninhibited orgy with a whole shelf of unsupervised books. Laters," she greeted with heartwarming tone and smile and disappeared with a plop.

.o.O.o. Home .o.O.o.

"Shush. Hermione wake up." His hand rested on her shoulder, tugging slightly.

She slapped his hand away. "No, no, nooo! Don't touch me. Not again. Please. I'm hurting, please, I'm hurting so much. Leave me alone." She was sweaty. Severus smoothed some clammy hair from her forehead and she trembled. "Hermione, it's me, Severus. Everything is alright, you're safe. No one's going to hurt you."

"Seve- Professor? You're back? Am I dead now? Can you bring me home?" Her too shiny eyes found him.

"You are alive and safe. Look at me." He took her clammy hand in his and brought it to his chin to rest it on their folded hands. She looked at that. Eyes widening in shock, she sat up a bit. "Why am I free? You must fixate me again! They'll have no mercy, when they find you here being nice. You must be safe for the war-" she wildly said and fell back on the sheet with an agonized expression.

Severus was oddly touched by her concern. "No one is going to hurt you- or me, either. It's just you and me here. I have a something to drink for you. Come on, I'll help you."

She looked at the vial, but turned away. "No, I mustn't drink water. They don't allow water, only- " she retched and then sobbed heartbreakingly. Severus felt literally sick too now at the suppressed memory of what she had to drink instead. He decided to change the direction of his approach. "I'm in charge today. It's a potion and just one gulp," he said deliberately strict, holding it to her mouth. Her eyes flew open with alarm, which worsened the grip on his stomach, but she swallowed it fast before closing her eyes again.

"I'll be right back." He went to get a wet cloth from the bathroom next door. He could have Accioed it, but needed to pour some water into his face and give his stomach the chance to settle. On his return, Severus sat back down next to her and wiped her face gently with the cloth. She smiled faintly and her eyes opened "Dad-, dad, you still love me-," She turned her head to search his face and focused him. "You- you're not my dad," she stated with utter confusion.

"No, Hermione. It's me, Severus. Your professor, remember?"

"Professor Snape? Where- where is your mask?" The expression in her eyes changed from confusion to imploration. "Can you ask them to stop awhile," she whispered desperately and wide-eyed, "or just kill me quickly?"

He hoped his voice wouldn't shake. "Hermione, it's all over. You were very brave and now you are free. No one is here to hurt you."

She closed her eyes again, nodding and starting to cry to herself. Severus prayed for the potion to fully start working soon and absently wiped her forehead again. At the touch of the cool cloth, her eyes opened again and she examined him intently. Suddenly, her eyes widened at a discovery.

"You left me. You- you hate me."

Merlin, the pain of his breaking heart must have shown in his eyes. It was unbearable to witness how deep this agony was buried inside her. He didn't know what she referred to: having left her at the party or having left her alone back in school - either way was hard to bear.

"Hermione, I do not hate you! Look at me," he commanded gently, "I'm back now- I took you with me and you're safe with me here at home," he ensured her, hoping his answer was both, vague enough and fitting.

She looked puzzled now. "Home? I don't have a home. They kicked me out-, they all kicked me out" she sobbed and he reached out to caress her cheek. Severus was also surprised by having said home.

"I know, but this is my house and you're home here for now. Look around. It's your bedroom." She did and after having travelled the room, her gaze halted on him, with more clarity in it now. Unexpectedly Hermione bolted upright next to him. "Severus?" she asked surprised.

"Yes," he smiled encouragingly.

Suddenly breathing very hard, Hermione let her head fall to his chest.

"Please don't leave," she nearly begged under her breath. Severus shoved her gently, but firmly back onto the mattress and lay down next to her trembling form. She instantly moved into him.

"I'm staying. Don't worry," he soothed and after hesitating shortly cuddled her up. That removed some of Hermione's tension and her head came to rest heavily on his chest. Severus buried his nose into her hair. Well, it was impossible to escape that mess. Smelling her shampoo and feeling her now calm breathing, he relaxed, stroked her back absently and tried not to think too deeply about what he had just witnessed. There'd be time for it tomorrow. Instead he made a mental list of potions to teach her during detentions and of everything she needed to catch up with due to her general output decline, but it became increasingly hard to stay awake.

"Home?" Hermione quietly asked.

"Home." A mere confirmation, but deep inside she understood, which let her drift off into peaceful sleep.

.o.O.o.

Bloody hell, I fell asleep in her bed, Severus thought when he recognized in which bedroom he was. When disentangling from her, she woke up, too.

"Go back to sleep, it's still very early," he whispered and she closed her eyes again.

Having managed to fall asleep again in his bed, Severus got up around nine and after a refreshing shower he found her in the kitchen at her beloved table. She shoved a mug of steaming coffee towards him.

"Good morning," she smiled reservedly.

"Thank you. Slept well?" Severus sat down opposite her.

"I did. You?"

"Too. Though in an unexpected place," he answered considered.

And Hermione asked herself if he was indeed checking how she felt about him having fallen asleep while looking after her. In the middle of the night, very likely. "It helped me a lot. I take it, I was very crazy then?"

"Depends on the frame of reference."

"By all means, apply the Gryffindor standard to at least not pull me completely to pieces," she asked.

"Then you were practically purring in your sleep," he said with a slight grin.

"That bad, huh?"

"Can you not remember?"

"Well, no. I have different kinds of nightmares. This- purring kind, I cannot remember. I know I have them, because I sometimes find myself waking up in strange positions, on the floor or having bruises or stuff-"

"It was- alarming."

"I'm sorry. I forgot to Muffliato the bedroom."

Severus eyebrows shot up.

"And you'll refrain from doing so in the future! You needed supervision and a calming potion. And don't even think of arguing with me. Take an academic perspective and be awed by the chance of monitoring these incidents regarding frequency, intensity and duration and putting them in proportion to your general health, panic attack frequency and intensity, emotional state- I trust you're getting my point,"

"I do, sir"

He rolled his eyes at her.

"Severus?" she asked "What was it like. I mean, what happened?"

After having contemplated the pros and cons, he came to the decision that she didn't only have the right but also needed to know what was going on.

"Don't you remember anything?

"Home," she stated and he nodded contently "and- did I really beg you to stay?"

"Asked, rather, you were confused," he sipped from his coffee. "Well- it strongly resembled a feverish delirium, without the fever. You talked and answered to me, but you mainly labored under the delusion of being at the party. Calling me professor, wondering where my mask was, asking for- help. Then you did also confuse me with your father. From my perspective, it appeared that you pretty much lived through everything that remains unsolved inside you albeit very convincingly stuck in it." His voice betrayed his distress.

"What did you not tell me?"

"I cannot say. I know you have the right to know. You may look at it."

"How? Do you have a Pensieve here?"

"No. I'd shove last night into the focus and let you Legilimens me. I'd Occlude the rest so no boundaries can be crossed. This might be helpful anyway to give you a visual impression of your state."

This took her by surprise and she couldn't hide it. Nodding she looked from her hands into his eyes. "I'd appreciate that offer. Thank you."

"Okay, then let's get it over with now. I cannot tell how long the offer will be on the table. Ready?"

"Are you already?"

"I'm a pro. I'm always ready," he snorted clearly uncomfortable "go ahead." And that she did, smiling thankfully at him she locked eyes with him. He let her see the whole situation. The woman in the bed looked ill: sweaty and agitated, eyes too shiny and unfocused, the scars oddly prominent in her very pale face, which extremely added to the overall resemblance with a Stephen-King horror scenario. She couldn't help but being impressed that Severus hadn't run and hidden. No one would have known. It was vanity but it was a hard job for her to accept this was her looks. The more she was awed by the maintained gentleness of his approach. She was glad, she had chosen a t-shirt and pants as pajama. Then the unspeakable vision hit her: She had begged him to help her and had accused him of having left her alone and of hating her. She could feel his emotions flickering through now and they showed that this had directly hit home with Severus. Hermione, however, immediately knew it wasn't about the party. It was about their new teacher-student relationship. He likely had interpreted it wrongly, expectably so since this was his main source of unforgivable guilt, his weak spot while hers was the rejection afterwards. Hermione got distracted by another emotion that flickered through in the moment in which he breathed-in her hair. She knew it. She'd felt the same before and her heart melted when she heard him say "home." She carefully retreated from his mind.

"Thank you so much, Severus," she warmly smiled at him. He simply nodded and got up to help himself to some more coffee.

"I didn't have a panic attack or seizures, but it was straining yesterday. Well, the Manor itself was. I think my mind found itself another outlet. And, ahem, you were right, I would say. It was about some of the things that remain unsolved in my heart. Some fear is rooted very deeply and needs further reassurance to subside. Coming to think about it, only my friends, or- well you know, ahem, they were not covered," Hermione contemplated.

"Draco's part was not included either," Severus demurred.

"Hmm, why ever would Draco be? He's forgiven. I mean, you were not either. Just the Manor was, which still represents the deeply rooted horror of the situation. But you two are solved, so to speak."

"Of course I was," he insisted harshly.

"Yes, but I was simply concerned about you," she quietly admitted.

"That's not what I meant," he sneered now.

"I know-, I felt your emotions there. But that referred to school. I felt left alone and- and disliked. You know it boggled my mind."

He snorted derogatory and shook his head at something he obviously deemed impossible or offensive.

"Pardon?- Severus?—Okay-. Although I sensed some of your feelings, I'm afraid I'm currently unable to be witty and terribly metaphoric on my own in order to extract whatever from you. So, when you need me to word something for you, you'd be better off telling me what concerns you. At least hint it."

Oh dear, he would kick her out.

He starred at her blankly. Then he got to his feet and left into the cellar without a word. Hermione was completely taken aback. What the heck did he think he was doing? She had to really restrain herself from very loudly commenting on impolite ignorance when being addressed. She saw her presumption proven that this was about the trust issues he simply couldn't wrap his head around. She had made a couple of mental notes on this since Christmas Day. It was a recurring topic after all and obviously needed to be addressed in more detail. Merlin, I could do with some holidays now, Hermione mused wearily, but was interrupted by Severus sudden return. She raised one eyebrow into an inquiring scowl.

"I know this confuses you, but please talk to me and don't walk out on me. You insisted on that rule after all."

"Why would you think me confused," he growled.

"Because of your changed attitude. You couldn't speak about what I accused you of, because it hurt you. Deeply so, I can tell. And shortly after, you wordlessly stormed out of the room-. That's quite a giveaway." She starred at him. "And I happen to know that it is confusing when things don't seem to fit, when the perception of someone else on the same incident is simply not holistically accessible to oneself," she added sensitively, wishing he would sit down and not stick to the work counter.

"What, in Merlin's name, are you talking about?" Severus asked in angry confusion.

"Your trust issues regarding my non-existent trust issues. I think I crowned yours yesterday when I admitted to trust Draco, at least insofar that he wouldn't kill me," Hermione explained looking at him intently, but he had schooled his face to blankness. How lovely. This feels like starting from the beginning all over again. When he hadn't managed to answer after even about two minutes, her annoyance level grew. "Severus, you do realize that you have issues trusting me regarding my implicit trust towards you? And towards Draco yesterday? Rest assured that all other former Death Eaters are excluded from that. It's a very exclusive club."

"I think you are overdoing it, Miss Granger-," he reprimanded, the annoyance in his voice and face now clear as the day. His teacher persona was about to be fully unleashed.

"Ya-, I'd really appreciate not playing this game now. I'm afraid you'll have to wait until the new term to get your go at Miss-Grangering me into silence. We'll finish now what you wanted to start, or rather needed to-," she stopped herself since his scowl now was menacingly. He had folded his arms in front of his chest and looked down on her. Hermione, however, firmly stepped towards him, reached out and put her left hand over his. It relieved her a little when he didn't pull away or tried to bolt again. She looked up and rested her eyes on his.

"You can stop that scowl now. I ensure you it is as impressive as in your classroom, but I don't feel threatened."

It became instantly visible in his eyes that he had more menacing potential. Hermione was impressed, though simply by the fact, not the menace itself. That was lost on her. She searched for her most sympathetic voice.

"I still don't feel threatened, but would prefer if you refrained from it. There is no need for-," she dared to stroke his hand with her thumb before continuing. "You do have my full respect already. Earned, not demanded. Remember?" she asked.

Severus was taken aback by her whole determined demeanor. She was right, he needed to know, but he felt weak, especially knowing that she had sensed his feelings. He had seen her like this when Minerva and Remus had been here, but to be on the receiving end was not the same, especially not with a sensitive topic at hand. He had the strong urge to regain control and label her his student again and tell her off for inadequate familiarity and boundary-crossing all the while having the competing urge to clutch her to his chest for seeing what tore him apart without making him say it or hint at it. He despised himself for this weakness in him, for being overly-emotional in the face of what happened at the party and felt that he was about to be embarrassed.

"Tell me, do you really think I could fake my trust?"

"I do think that you're faking yourself with believing in a most doubtful implicit trust," he snarled.

Taking her hands off him and stepping slightly back, she held his gaze.

"Uh-, thank Merlin you're here to enlighten me," she said. "Now I see! Since being an outcast made me desperate beyond reason, I did develop these issues of being overly and thoughtlessly forgiving, right? And in my despair I willingly threw myself at the next nice person available, which was you. Of course, consequently so, I mean after all you were the only one to embrace me with arms wide open and a blissful smile in the minute I walked through the gates of Hogwarts again." Hermione stopped herself at the look in his eyes. Okay, he usually was sarcastic and stingingly brutal himself, which was a defense mechanism to a large degree. She would surely do him and herself no good whatsoever in triggering this in him by being ghastly sarcastic herself just because she was annoyed by his immunity to feedback regarding this topic. Right now, and that was strange enough, he simply seemed self-conscious and in need of reassurance. At least as far as Hermione concluded from his obviously defensive attitude. So this was better about controlling herself and not spooking this rarely used, but genuine and human side of his twisted personality. She took a deep breath.

"I'm sorry, Severus, I got carried away. This isn't easy for me. I mean having such conversations with you. Could we sit down, please," she asked gently. He assessed her shortly, then gestured her to sit and settled himself into another chair. Suddenly Hermione became nervous. This man had the immanent potential to drive her crazy. Gladly not in a suicidal way; at least not right now.

"Please hear me out, okay?" she asked and was answered with an arched eyebrow. "Well, I think you are mixing-up two different things: I don't have trust-issues with you, because my trust is based on the knowledge and experience that you always did what you could to save us, or me for that matter, and always as soon as the moment to act presented itself and then at full force. Your issues with my trust, however, are based inside you, in your inability to forgive yourself for what you have decided for. As I see it, it was a decision for the greater good and not against me. It was the only one logical given what was at stake, a Hobson's choice really. A similar decision to those I had made by preferring to give up one piece of information over another. And although I know that I had made these decisions to raise the chances of our final victory, thus for the greater good just like you did, I cannot forgive myself that people, good ones, friends, got killed because of my decisions," Hermione swallowed and pressed her jaws together.

Severus mien had changed to simply stressed, but his eyes rested on her. He desperately wanted to be somewhere else and startled a little when Hermione kneeled next to his right leg, propping one elbow on his thigh and unfolding his arms by taking his right hand and resting it below her lips, wrapped in hers. Due to his perplexity he simply let her have her way and locked eyes with her.

"They turned out to be costly decisions. I'm paying every day. I'm sure your payment would be unaffordable for an average human, but then gladly you are above average. I wish I were in the position to at least forgive you the little part involving me and cut the cost, but I'm not since it there is nothing for me to forgive. You hadn't decided against me," she repeated insistently and Severus now returned her grip. She smiled at him warmly. "I'm here. I live. For a third time now. I- I wouldn't have made over the first, if it hadn't been for you. So- in fact, I owe you. And for you it's finally time to at least stop overpaying this due. It doesn't have a piggy-bank function, you know?! So please forgive yourself and let go-. No one else can do that for you, only you Severus," she finished in a firm but gentle voice before getting up again and settling in the chair opposite his.

"I didn't hate you."

"I know that now. I feel it. It's just an angst deep inside nourished by former behavior. But it will subside. So there is simply one thing left to do to bring this to an end and close the book forever. But it's not for me to do. Do what you hopefully yesterday also convinced Draco to do: forgive yourself," she said.

"We shall follow your good example then," he provoked.

"I didn't advice to do as I do, but to do as I say," she arched her eyebrow at him, but twinkled as well.

Severus showed a crooked smile, "It strikes me that the three of us are in one boat regarding this. You also have to forgive yourself for what you couldn't help. It wasn't your fault. Your sacrifice ensured we won. I confirmed it on oath. And I'm smart and not known for sweet talking. And-," he leaned towards her, "the court believed it officially, you know?"

"I know," she nodded and blinked back tears. "I will be able to do it one day. But I cannot free myself from the blame of the others, not yet. There- there are so many of them," she took a deep breath, "I'll migrate to the continent after school. Distance and time will work their own magic on my self-forgiveness abilities, I trust." Shrugging-off the impression of a flicker of sadness in Severus' eyes, she headed for the door, but turned around, "If you don't mind, I'd like to go for a short walk before focusing on my detention. Just for progressing, but I won't be too long."

Severus nodded at her.

"I shall hope to come to know about it one day," he whispered to himself, when she was gone. Merlin, she was so much more than he had ever expected her to be. A depth he hadn't expected her to possess although having gotten glimpses of it during their brewing times.