Hello into the world. I'm back after having had the most stressful time finishing university. And I finally did it on Thursday :-))) so I've some capacity to keep this baby here going :-)

Thank you so much for your patience!

16 Your sensitive side

20/04/2000

"Class dismissed. Get out and don't dawdle!"

He was every inch of dark and menacing that the Potions master has ever been credited for. Hermione tried to catch his eye, but once again wasn't successful. After she had finished packing her stuff together, she glanced once more to the open door that led into the storage room into which he had disappeared after having dismissed the class. Hermione knew he wouldn't return until she would have left and so she forced herself to slowly head for her quarters. Hermione was lost for explanations on his complete refusal to converse with her, which has lasted for 18 days now, and thus also for how to proceed. It was Holy Thursday and Potions had been the last class before the Easter holidays. Ever since the Christmas holidays she had looked forward to spending the next holidays in the home he had offered her so freely. Two and a half weeks ago she had found his beautiful ice-blue pain potion on her bedside table, without a note attached or something explanatory to follow. The same had happened last Sunday and he kept actively avoiding her. She was overwhelmed by a strange feeling of defeat and a profound feeling of loss, but didn't have the urge to share it. The only person she could tell anyway was Draco and some part of her haunted mind feared that he would point at her and laugh and say something like "Got ya!" Hermione felt like losing her mind. Gladly the blond man was infatuated with Louis and thus he so far hadn't recognized what was going on since they had caught up with class work some weeks ago already and detentions had been cancelled in favor of Hermione dropping by on short notice to brew some potions that either Severus or Madame Pomfrey needed restocking for. Three times she had told Draco she would go brewing with Severus to prevent suspicions, but instead had gone to the small garden where she had wanted to end it on Christmas Day, knowing no one would find her there.

Every other day she was attempted to knock at one of Severus' doors, but since he was so obviously avoiding her, it was far from her to force her company on him.

There was something else that prevented her from knocking: The well-known feeling that comes with being unmistakably rejected. As much as she despised the nights, which she spent lying in bed considering possible reasons for his change in attitude, one more unpleasant and obscure than the next, she still considered this more bearable than a mere statement of rejection, because since there hadn't been a fight or even something close to this, his reasons couldn't be terribly convincing. Additionally, this uncertainty also left her to hope. Well, to hope whatever for exactly she couldn't quite say. Hermione was confused and heartbroken and missed the freely offered intimate moments. But what haunted her most was a tiny memory of Christmas Day, when she had shared her fear that he would retreat from being nice. Maybe he didn't even remember this. Abruptly, the thought that she had simply finally unnerved him beyond belief painfully popped-up although she knew that this was nonsense and simply her mind trying to make sense. She wondered whether the wards in Spinner's End would still acknowledge her. Shaking her head at all the various ways her thoughts meandered through her brain, the young woman suddenly realized that the uncertainty would drive her profoundly insane over the two holiday weeks alone in a tent. Right now she nearly wished she hadn't declined the offer to stay at the Burrow and that Draco hadn't already left with Louis for France. She was tempted to join them instead of going to Italy. But no, they needed some alone time together. Louis was a good man, they complimented each other well and now things became serious very fast and she didn't want to interfere in Draco's introduction to Louis' parents. Merlin, she was looking forward to the whole story.

But before she had to clarify her own. Yes, she needed some clarity – any clarity – and then she could use the holidays to come to terms with it before school started again. Shortly before having reached her quarters Hermione abruptly turned around in a whirl and determinedly headed back to the Potions classroom.

.o.O.o.

"Professor, may I have a word, please?" she asked politely on entering the open classroom without making herself known by at least knocking on the doorframe and she also immediately mentally face-palmed herself for the over-anxious approach and for wording it as a question. Even she would kick herself out.

He looked at her gloomily, but she didn't stop approaching the desk behind which he meanwhile sat. As his gaze darkened, she stopped walking, but had already made it halfway through the classroom. She wouldn't back off and oh, she wanted to.

Taking his gaze in, her heart made itself known and revealed that it feared being about to be broken for sure. Some part of her brain suddenly insisted on recognizing that her body had obviously known what it did by simply having stormed in here. Right now Hermione was very sure that had she stopped by the door, she would have run by now. Instead she forced herself to hold her chin up high and his gaze steadily.

"Miss Granger. Lost all your manners in the last ten minutes, have you?" he asked reproachful.

"Not all of them. I apologize for having stormed in," she answered and started approaching again. "I really need to speak with you. Five minutes at most. Please, sir," she almost begged, suddenly realizing how hard this really was about to be.

"Don't dawdle!" he growled while something in his gaze flickered.

As she came to stand in front of his desk he rose to his feet and towered over her. Goodness, she thought desperately, what had she actually done to make him act on her like this? She flicked the classroom door close with a wave. He arched an eyebrow, but before he could say anything she clarified that this was private and that she was sure both of them wanted it to stay so. This information didn't go down well with him. His scowl deepened.

Feeling her courage fall, she spontaneously decided for a way of confronting him that had worked before and which seemed to be the least intimidating one to her exhausted mind right now.

"Severus, I-," is how far she came.

"Inappropriate familiarity, Miss Granger!" he interrupted.

She was suddenly close to yelling at the man, whose bed she had shared, and throwing some vials at the walls in a nice temper tantrum.

Swallowing and holding his gaze she tried to center herself by reminding herself of her strength: she had withstood. She was a survivor. She would survive this. She would survive all his displays of rejecting her and her desperate desire to be welcomed by him and be encircled in his arms – bugger!

"Oh, please enlighten me on the rules again, would you? They seem to change according to some super-ordinate protocol that shirks my understanding. When we checked six weeks ago you were d'accord with familiarity not only in very private situations, but also in simply private ones. Since the holidays have officially started fifteen minutes ago, the door is firmly closed-shut and it is just the two of us, I fail to see the distinction."

"Ten points from Gryffindor for insolence. What did you want to discuss?" he growled with a deepness that sounded like she was close to becoming potions ingredients.

Idiot man! Very well, plan b it is, she thought, so get it over with it then grab your tent and Apparate in time to watch the wonderful Italian dusk. To hell with him!

Lowering her gaze to the elegant quill on his desk since she couldn't bear his hostility, she continued astonishingly steadily-voiced.

"I didn't want to discuss anything, just ask your opinion, sir, because I'm at a loss. Since rather recently I have this unusual friend to whom I grew quite attached and of whom I liked to think that he kind of did too. He astonished me on many levels, being generous, kind, observant and caring while being witty, sharp and humorous-"

"Spare me further schmaltz! He sounds like a mother-in-law's dream. My advice is to go for him. I think we're done then?" he spat dismissively.

Hermione stared at him for a second until she grasped that the observance skills of the praised man were obviously lost in whatever turmoil he currently stuck due to being forced to be in a room with her. And this made her bite her bottom lip to prevent herself from barking a laugh considering what he had just advised her to do. This would have been funnier had the overall situation not been so distressing. But despite being hurt by his rudeness, she couldn't deny that it was funny nevertheless.

"Oh he is so not perfect and certainly not in the sense of a mother-in-law's dream. Not that this plays a role in my case," she continued nonchalantly.

That caught Severus off-guard and his gaze softened slightly.

"He helped me when I thought I was beyond help and continued to do so until lately. I hoped we'd be spending some time of the holidays together, but since he withdrew from me lately and didn't renew his offer of me visiting him, I am at a loss what to do about it. In the end, I haven't known him closely for very long. Otherwise it would have been easier of course." Hermione explained further with a challenging look.

"Do I appear to you as a couple therapist? For Merlin's sake, Hermione, pull yourself together and go where you want to go. And in case he realizes that he was stupid enough to let you down, he will be able to come-up with means in his oh-so-witty brain to contact you, won't he? But nevertheless think about deducing from his behavior to the authenticity of his caring interests," he blurted out in something close to furor.

She processed it all. The dark man had just somehow lost his temper, which was unusual and he had called her Hermione again. Furiously, granted, but nevertheless. And he had implicitly complimented her by calling her boyfriend stupid for letting her down. Time to clarify who she was talking about, since his spy instincts indeed seemed to be disabled somehow.

"I trust they were authentic. Everything was. He had offered so much in so many ways for the remainder of the whole Christmas holidays to ensure me that I wasn't beyond fixing and forgiveness. Believe it or not, I even willingly put books aside for our conversations and enjoyed my stay to the fullest," Hermione now admitted with a disarming smile.

That hit home with Severus and it shortly appeared as though he might have a stroke. She braced herself for being shouted at and thrown out of the room and his private life forever.

"You- You were not talking about your boyfriend?" he asked angrily.

"I don't even recall officially having one," she answered mildly, wondering where he got that impression from. "You very likely would have noticed. This is after all a boarding school and we were- close until about six weeks ago. Had my feelings changed, I surely had brought that topic up. Out of fairness towards you at the very least," she said, barely able to restrain herself from rolling her eyes at him. It hit her that she had just confessed her feelings for him. Severus obviously hadn't recognized that since he had meanwhile walked around his desk to really tower above her.

"You talked about visiting the Weasley clan for Easter and dragging along the mysterious donor of your new jewelry," he spat.

In the second after she had remembered the conversation between Harry, Ginny, Ron and her in the library, when Ginny had told her about Molly's invitation to stay over the Easter holidays, every part of the mess in her head fell into place. The same night Severus had found her sleeping in the Astronomy Tower and had then dismissed her rudely. It was in the wee hours of the following morning that she had found the potion on her bedside table for the first time. And even though it had clicked now, Hermione couldn't quite believe the outcome. Was he really "just" some weird kind of jealous? Did he dare to treat her like that for unverified bits and pieces of a conversation? This was enough for her to snap. She took a firm step towards him and stared up at him menacingly.

"Severus Snape, have you been eavesdropping on me in the library? And don't you dare lying to me!" she asked accusingly and poked her index finger into his chest.

"This is highly inappropriate, Miss-," he started, his voice reflecting his irritation.

"And don't you dare Miss-Grangering me now or threat me with irrational high point loss or detentions to serve for supposed insolence, Severus! You certainly are in no position whatsoever after having behaved like a five-year old by punishing me with the silent treatment over something you accidentally and only partially overheard and even interpreted all wrongly! And I don't care about whatever comes to your mind to potentially belittle me and my emotionality on this matter, because you made me feel miserable," and now she practically screamed at him, "over nothing I had done or done with me. I spent hours each night trying to figure out what I possibly could have done to you to make you act that way," Hermione stepped back, suddenly needing to distance herself from him, "I may be a know-it-all but that certainly does not imply mind-reading abilities you daft idi- man! At least in the year before with all the others I could put my finger on what the reason for their rejection was. Merlin-, I am literally so sick of it. And you- you of all people, you as the one, who knew all about the drama- you did this now! You- whom I had told that I feared your anew withdrawal- You knew it!" She swallowed, "Merlin, I wonder if you had inquired about my absence over the weekend or the holidays or if this would have slipped your 'oh-so-witty brain'. I may be inexperienced with this, but I'm very sure that there are pro-relationship ways through jealousy. Better find one of those to avoid collateral damage should you ever be in such a situation again. Oh and actually listen to what the other says instead of busying yourself showing bias, because had you just done that, you'd have recognized that I just served you my feelings on a silvery platter," she finished her speech.

Her heart and pulse raced and she felt an anxiety attack arriving. She had believed herself over those now, but obviously wasn't. She needed to get out now and since he seemed captured by the intensity of her outburst and made no visible attempt to answer, she turned around and marched right out of class, flicking the door shut behind her with a violent enthusiasm that corresponded with her feelings.

Due to the adrenaline pumping through her veins and an enormous amount of willpower triggered by the fear of being found and at worst being ignored by Severus when lying petrified in the corridor, it was very likely that she would really make it back to her quarters just within time before the attack would set in to its fullest. And it was going to be an intense one, she already felt it now that it was approaching – for the first time nearly five months.

.o.O.o.

The loud plop of Pank's arrival made her bolt upright in bed. She hadn't been able to sleep very well anyway. After the panic attack had subsided, very slowly this time, she had showered quickly, changed the sweaty bed sheets and had returned to bed. Winky had brought her some steamed vegetable for dinner, which she had eaten in bed.

Thank Merlin, everyone had left for their respective holiday destination already and so Hermione had been given the chance to live through her anxiety attack on her own and without fear of disturbing or being disturbed by anyone. She had decided to leave for Italy in the morning, some rest before Apparating that long a distance was clearly recommended. Then she would come back to visit the Weasleys for the spring party they had invited her to. All contemplations on taking them up on their offer to stay with them during the holidays had ended in the conviction that this wouldn't be right for her. Although somehow everything had been properly addressed and forgiven, the old feeling of familiarity still hadn't been restored in Hermione at least. So going there for a day to celebrate, eat, talk and dance was fine, but she wouldn't stay there for a fortnight to do anyone a favor or follow wishes if this came at the cost of her peace of mind and challenged her inner balance more than it was anyway with the Severus issue.

Pank's concern was written all over his wide eyes and tensed ears.

"Miss must come to Potions master. He is having very bad dreams. Miss must help, please. Pank can't wake Potions master."

Hermione shortly needed to progress what she heard. Severus was having a nightmare? And a serious one obviously.

She took her wand from the bedside table and in that second Pank had already taken hold of her arm and Apparated them both directly into Severus' bedroom and left her alone with him instantly.

Hermione assessed the sweaty form in the bed. He looked positively sick, very pale, his skin clammy and the whole body tensed up. Merlin, she didn't like the sight of him like this at all and without further thinking climbed into the bed next to him.

She tugged his arm slightly and firmly addressed him, but he didn't react to her, not even when she increased her force. Now she knew what Pank was referring to. It was unsettling, especially when he started to call her name in such a pleading tone that she felt a lump forming in her throat.

"Severus, I'm here. It's alright. I'm here," she tried to soothe him.

At that he let out a tormented moan.

"I didn't mean to, I, please don't go," he begged distressed in his dream.

Hermione lay down, hugged him close and settled his head on her chest all the while soothingly telling him that she was there and that he'd only need to open his eyes to see it was real. She kissed his head, like he had done with her before and caressed his right cheek with her thumb. After a while he suddenly clutched her painfully making her hiss with surprise and pain.

"Severus! It's okay, I'm here. Wake up, dear," she insisted more loudly, hoping he'd loosen his grip and indeed he did.

Hermione instantly started to stroke his cheek again and kept repeating that she was there with him and that everything was fine. His breathing slowed down until he suddenly held his breath and then she knew he had finally woken up.

"Am I dreaming? Are you- real?" he asked irritated, but remained motionless.

She smiled slightly at his word choice. She knew she had asked him the same question, when he once had unexpectedly appeared in her bed.

"Whatever pleases you," she answered.

"Real pleases me very much," he kept repeating their dialog. "But- you left," he added and now moved his head to face her. Their faces were so close that it distracted her shortly.

"I'm here." She smiled reassuringly at him and unable to resist any longer, she kissed his forehead, tasting his salty sweat on her lips. "I'm real," she ensured.

Severus, who had indulged into the intimate gesture of her kiss, opened his eyes again.

"Why?" He heaved himself up a bit to be able to look at her properly.

Hermione was puzzled, but decided that he probably aimed at her presence in his bed now.

"Pank retrieved me when he wasn't able to wake you from your nightmare. The elves seem to think we are nightmare buddies," she said with a disarming grin.

He felt embarrassed at the thought that they now both knew about it and its extent. He cursed himself for having forgotten to charm his bedroom properly before going to bed. After the turmoil today, this had to be expected.

"He shouldn't have disturbed you. I'm old enough to be trusted with living through some- stirring dreams on my own. You may leave now," he dismissed her, but then adding placably, "After all you need to rest well, too."

Hermione had been able to read from his changed expression that he was about to say something undesirable and had made sure her expression wouldn't betray any emotion this might trigger. She watched him intently instead.

"It was more a purring dream and you were emotionally challenged in it, I could tell. I'd rather not leave you alone," she said.

"As I said, you need your sleep, too. I'm going to have a shower," he sidestepped her question.

Hermione forced herself to stay calm at his obvious incompetence to admit what he wanted and instead going for being deliberately problematic. Again. How could this major setback have occurred after months of mutual understanding and proximity? Have all her sermons and numerous reassurances during the last months really been in vain? Has he really not understood what she felt?

"I didn't imply staying awake. I could sleep here. If you are uncomfortable to share your bed with me, I gladly relocate to your sofa for the remainder of the night. Or do you want me to go? That, of course, would make a difference," she said.

"Though hating to, I will repeat myself a third time: You need to be well-rested tomorrow, too, and the sofa is tiny," he answered tightly.

Hermione decided to ignore his tone. She didn't fancy a substitute fight over this when another topic to quarrel about presented itself or rather was presented by this unnerving man.

"I'm a witch, I can make it comfy, but talking about repetitions: That's not what I asked, Severus. I asked if you wanted me to go," she clarified.

This increasingly resembled pulling teeth the Muggle way.

"I fear I don't have the power to stand my ground against an overly nosey elf and- you."

He avoided her gaze. After all that had been said and yelled today, she was still here, to soothe him and even offering to stay. She had kissed him, tenderly so. Although he was sweaty and generally just really unsociable, which surely only added to this unattractiveness. Severus wanted her to stay, next to him in bed, not on the sofa, but knew that he had no right to do so. He had thought she had a boyfriend and was happy, but instead she had felt rejected and unsettled all the time; just like he had. He had failed her the last fortnight and certainly didn't deserve her kindness. She had been on spot in her reproach after class.

"I'm off for the bathroom," he said and turned to leave.

Hermione had to breathe very controlled. She was close to snapping. Really close. But he had done this for her so she'd do the same for him. But only on shouting distance, otherwise she might strangle him in his sleep. The sofa should suffice for that when they left the doors open.

She Accioed a linen from his drawer and simply took the silvery-grey blanket that was sitting on the sofa anyway. Impossible man, she mused gloomily. She had been reassuring him over and over again, the first time when he was jealous of Draco. Oh, she would like to fill the young man in on this now, but she knew if she did, he'd feel obliged to care for her now. No, he'd get an elaborated version of the whole story on his return, with popcorn.

She heard the water stop and settled into the corner of the sofa. She didn't fancy lying down should he come in. Hermione tucked herself up nicely under the blanket. Apart from the color it was the same like in Severus' house, but this smelled of Severus. His soil-after-rain and herbs smell. She hadn't been able yet to detect why anyone would naturally smell like this. She closed her eyes, felt the homely blanket-feeling and fought the upcoming sadness of not having the chance to be next to him. Gods, she knew their relation still was unnamably special, well, more unnamably than special right now, but she desired his physical closeness and had been so looking forward to their time together. The weirdest part of this thing they had or had had, was that he seemed to be really jealous, so she should be happy that he obviously felt something along the lines of what she did, but somehow it was rather menacing instead of calming. She had understood him insofar as that he was more likely to withdraw when being emotionally challenged, while others would rather jump-in and fight. He wasn't used to affection and thus, when it was offered, scared to go for it as there was this risk of having it taken away again. The risk of getting hurt. Bugger! She'd have another talk with him. One last try. Otherwise she'd never know about the if and she needed to know.

Severus interrupted her thoughts by sitting down on the sofa next to her. At the feeling of the sofa moving next to her feet, Hermione opened her eyes and looked at him questioningly over her cocked legs. But he didn't seem inclined to say anything or look at her. There he was, the very private Severus, with damp hair, a white T-Shirt and pajama pants. Hermione had come to like the sight of him like this back in December and January. One day he had just started to move around the house in the mornings like this. Then she had realized for herself that he had really accepted her as part of it and not just a guest. She sighed at the lovely memory and smiled at little to herself, which drew Severus attention to her.

"Anything funny?" he asked acidly.

"Very many things, actually, but none of them apply to this right now." She gestured at them both, fighting the urge to grab and shake him. "However, when you are referring to the smile you just witnessed, you misinterpreted happiness for amusement," she added.

She didn't fancy explaining the basic human emotions and expressions to an adult. Not again, not tonight, not after her anxiety attack today and the preceding two weeks. She wanted him to be an emotionally well-developed adult. Just for tonight, for Merlin's sake.

"And what if I may ask makes you this happy right now?"

"Memories of times I cherish a lot," she offered.

"Uh, lovely, yes, one has to take at least mental precautions when being forced to spend one's time in a situation, because courtesy demands to return a mutual commitment," he said sarcastically.

Hermione suddenly leaned towards him.

"Oh, shut it, will you! I trust I've made it very clear that I'm here out of free will, you daft man," she hissed at him.

Severus assessed her intently, obviously slightly speechless by her reaction. When his gaze reached hers, she held it provocatively without flinching until he took a deep breath.

"Why would you prefer staying with me over staying with your friends," he asked out of the blue.

Uh, that was it. They were finally getting to the point. Interesting how he managed to reach the topic, he originally danced around mentally. Though, he had already been more eloquent regarding this before, but well, he was strained too, Hermione mused and settled for sitting cross-legged next to him, her left knee nearly touching his thigh.

"Are you seriously asking this, Severus?" she asked menacingly with very much restraint in her voice. Her fists were clenched tightly as she didn't trust herself in her annoyance by him.

"Obviously," he simply returned, looking at her, but carefully avoiding her eyes. His whole demeanor seemed to display his uneasiness with her sudden proximity. Well, he was the one, who had decided to sit down next to her although there were two comfy armchairs to choose from.

Hermione inhaled sharply. "I am having enough. I really do. This was a very- challenging day, to put it mildly, and I'm not going to start about the last fortnight. When I answer you now, I trust you to be so kind to hear me out." She took a calming breath. "Why ever would I want to be somewhere else? If there is one thing I learned about you in the last years then that you are a very private man. This private man found me, cuddled me up and soothed me. You endured lots of crying and talking. You saw me. Saw what I needed and sprang into action without hesitation, even sat in a bubble-bath with me," she snorted amusedly at the memory and even Severus' lips twitched slightly, "and did so much more, but constantly throwing awkwardness and discomfort overboard in favor of ensuring my improvement – again and again. I'm well aware that no matter how willingly you did it, this was more than just a little out of your comfort zone. All of it, I mean-," she stopped short, when he became rather pale and clenched his fists. She sighed and reached out to lay her hand on his left fist, which rested on his thigh and when he didn't flinch she returned to watching him intently. "I mean although usually avoiding it, you brought me to your house, offered me a place, where it's not about being all tinsel and glitter-, a place that feels homely. And it does due to you, Severus," she added slowly and he suddenly looked at her examining as if trying to detect a lie. "You made that ring for me. I still don't have words that suit my feelings regarding this," she swallowed and added lowly-voiced, "but it made you feel like my home." When he cleared his throat and squirmed a little, Hermione cut him off. "This is hard for me and I'm not done yet. Hear me out!"

Unexpectedly Severus clutched her fingers tightly and she brushed her thumb over the back of his hand.

"And we won't forget about the weirdest part of them all: You- you of all people made my homework to keep me sane and you talked sense into my former friends. However you managed that, honestly, I have no idea. And you didn't kill any of them, if I have counted correctly. I cannot even say what the bigger achievement is," she said more lightly and he twitched his lips shortly. "I'd choose staying with you over everyone else, because of all that and so much more, but- first and foremost, because I care for you- a great deal. I am not really sure how to put this, it's very personal and I'm hurting already. Gods, I'm well aware that our special kind of intimacy is irritating given that we are both heterosexual adults. At least to me it's a very confusing situation with many things unspoken."

Hermione was nervous and not quite sure how to express her thoughts on this. She dared a lot confronting him with this part anyway and told herself that if he threw her out, which surely was in the realm of probability, she'd just accept it. "I enjoy our closeness very much; I miss you, especially at night. Since you turned from me three weeks ago, I- I feel heartbroken. So I may have enjoyed us a bit too much."

Severus meanwhile intently stared at their clasped hands and had put his right one over hers caressing it gently. Hermione starred at this displayed affection too. "But I'm not willing to sacrifice your emotional well-being or our bond or friendship over it. So, whatever works or doesn't work for you any longer, I'm in. Just tell me. I'm here for you if you want me to. I know I'm damaged goods, but I see you too. Well, since I know you've more layers than the average man, I see a bit of you at least. But, please let me work from there, don't shut me out again. I thought you'd trust me at least insofar by now to know that you can disable your defense mechanisms. I have come to love experiencing your sensitive side and wouldn't risk for you to hide it again."

Severus tensed at her last statement and she wished she had stopped herself before referring to his sensitivity.

"Severus?" She softly stroked his arm until he looked at her. His gaze showed awe, defeat, fascination and fear, but no anger. Her heart sank anyway. "Whatever the rules, I'll play according to them," she finished, hoping they would somehow reserve a place for her in the game. Exhausted as she was now, she tried to strengthen her defenses at the prospect of however his reaction may look like. All the same he was still holding on to her hand.

"My sensitive side," he repeated slowly, still starring at her, now with an unreadable expression.

"It's pretty hot, actually," she said throwing precautions overboard.

This took him visibly off-guard, but he gathered himself quickly to her disappointment.

"I can't imagine so- in a man," he answered.

"As much as it pains me to say, but then you clearly don't have a very vivid imagination, dear," she returned airily.

"I'm not a good man. Apart from hurting others, I'm not only past my prime, but also twenty years older than you-," he simply went on, but got interrupted.

"I mean, not that this is a challenge, but I am the one that cannot suffice- well, that is seriously damaged goods. However, my feelings for you really don't give a shit of what you think of you or your suitability," she said in a voice that hopefully didn't betray her tension on this topic.

Severus now looked at her in surprised confusion.

"What are you talking about—you cannot suffice as what?"

"I got side-tracked, but this is not important now. The actual focus of the sentence was on you." She was slightly distracted, but tried to hide her unease.

His look had turned into curious puzzlement. "It obviously is very important. Spit it out!"

"How am I supposed to resist such a lovely invitation," she replied sarcastically and got to her feet. Of course she could tell him about her physical inability to perform sexual intercourse, let alone the infertility, well the latter one was a whole different level of conversation of course, but she couldn't bring herself to word it after having offered so much already tonight, especially seeing that so far nothing had been returned by him actively. And after everything that he had been able to convey in the months before, she refused to count his non-dismissal as victory. No, what had been said was enough to handle for one night and she would rather postpone his opportunity to distress her with a shit-had-I-only-known-before-thank-Merlin-I-haven't-made-concessions-yet look on another occasion. She had endured it from Ron before and no matter the extent to which Severus was able to put up with her scars, she feared that he was also just a man after all, or healthy human being for that matter and some things were important at a certain point. To her too, but in this case it wasn't for her to choose. She suddenly had to fight the rising sadness of loss.

"I think I'd rather leave you to it. In case there is something you-"

In that moment Severus got to his feet as well, came to stand in front of her and cupped up her cheek.

"Please tell me, what's not important now," he gently asked and she leaned into his touch.

Hermione thought again, advocating the pros this time. It was really the last thing she had kept a secret and if she got it over with now, there would be nothing left to fret about. It was hard to be rejected for what you had to do, even harder for what you had done subconsciously, but surely hardest for what you can't help. Just like in the bad old times, when she had been resented for being Muggleborn. The issue at hand, however, was a bit more delicate.

"Could you promise to keep your famous expression of neutrality in the face of stirring information?" she asked, her face still leaning into his palm.

"I'll certainly endeavor to," he promised evasively.

She chided herself for being so easily manipulated and for wanting to be in his arms so badly, but she didn't initiate it, because she preferred not feeling his physical reaction to her concession. She fixed a point at his chest.

"Since the party I'm physically unable to perform sexual intercourse. According to the healers this had been ensured on purpose- and just to complete the record once and for all, infertility had been ensured as well, but I think you may have guessed or known," she finished quietly.

Although feeling irritated by his complete silence, she didn't dare lifting her gaze to meet his eyes. Better give him time to make sure his endeavor would be successful. Unexpectedly, Severus cupped up her chin to gently lift her face up and waited until her gaze finally followed. What she saw in his black eyes was quite the contrary of a neutral facial expression. While his hand slowly wound to the back of her head and entwined her messy hair, he leaned-in to her and his lips very gently brushed hers. Hermione had to steady herself and weakly clutched his T-shirt.

"I apologize for not having kept my promise," he whispered against her lips and made her shiver. Severus took that as an incentive to repeat his kiss, but this time it was a lingering one that grew increasingly passionate and made her knees buckle. It took her a moment to outlive her surprise and return his kiss, but it felt heavenly. Severus' grip in her hair grew tighter and his other hand was on her back. Only now she recognized how much she wanted this and that he obviously did too. Her brain was slowly loosing it and she just indulged into their intimacy.

They slowly stopped their kiss and were both amazed at the delicious look of the other, with hazy eyes, flushed cheeks and swollen lips. Severus kissed her tentatively on her forehead and snuggled her to him, his mouth resting in a kiss on top of her head. When he tickled her scalp, she involuntarily started to cry silently into his chest, with relief regarding everything that had happened over the last weeks.

"You were right with what you said. Please believe me, when I say I didn't mean to cause you pain and I didn't know I did. I thought you had someone and were happy. It was a kind of self-protection-," he whispered.

Hermione slightly nodded, knowing this was as close to an apology for having been a prejudging prat as she would get from him. This was Severus after all.

"I very much want you to stay," he quietly said, "close to me, preferably."

She leaned back to look at him and on a whim led them both into his bedroom. In front of the bed, she became suddenly unsure of how to proceed and stopped, which was funny, since they'd spent a couple of nights together, but never before had they kissed or talked about sex this way. The grinning man behind her simply lifted her into his arms and put her gently into the middle of his bed before laying down right next to her and pulling the blanket over them both. Hermione couldn't help but to stare at him wide-eyed. He smiled at her, only slightly, but heartwarmingly so before he leaned in to another lingering kiss.

"Do you think you could sleep now," he asked.

"Very surely not, but feel free to go ahead. I'll just keep processing everything. My mind seems a bit slow on the uptake right now."

"I see. Thus, we'll both be awake, but your mind will be too busy to allow a decent conversation. I might just go on kissing you then. Passes the time so elegantly."

His fingers caressed her cheek again, and his thumb set out to trace one of her scars to her lips and then they kissed again, Hermione clutching her hand into his hair, softly massaging his scalp, which earned her a moan into her mouth. She instinctively melted into him and when he pressed his hot body to hers, she suddenly panicked and broke the kiss.

"Sorry, I can't, sorry-," she stammered.

Severus kept gently holding her close to ensure she wouldn't bolt.

"It's all fine. Calm down and breathe," he commanded gently and she obeyed, her eyes brimming with tears again due to feeling like a spoilsport.

"You are aware that I got your message, aren't you?- Just nod."

She did so, carefully avoiding his eyes.

"Alright, and you also remember that there are technically more ways to have sex than the traditional one? Again, just nod," he said when her eyes widened into an incomprehensive look, but she nodded.

"Perfect." He snuggled her firmly closer again. "I'm only talking for myself, but I'm not planning to have sex tonight, though I wouldn't mind more delicious kissing and semi-innocent cuddling. I'd gladly participate in more intimate—endeavors with you, but not right now." He moved to look at her. "I don't want to hurt any of us both. I mean not physically, but mentally by stirring memories of the party. I've been there too after all," he admitted with a hoarse voice, which made Hermione nuzzle closer. Now she did want him and she chuckled to herself at the absurdity.

"Did I say anything amusing," he asked with a sting to his voice.

She cursed her lack of restraint and now locked eyes with him.

"On the contrary, but it stroke me that you've just confirmed what I said about your sensitive side earlier, it is pretty hot. Thank you for the final proof," she said and blushed.

Severus starred at her in confusion. "Minx," he simply exclaimed.

"Yes, that's surely the received opinion," she managed to return under her snicker before they fully indulged into another very long and tender kiss, but both always careful that their respective passion didn't carry them away.