More Than you Think...
I walk up the driveway and to the front door of the Tucker residence and knock twice on the front door. I wait for a exactly a minute before the door is opened and I pull the duffle bag further up my shoulder.
"Hey-What are you doing here?"
Filmore ignores me however and moves to let me inside of the house and I take my shoes off by the door, "Ruby, Karen's here!" He yells upstairs before going into the living room.
I follow, leaving my bag in the foyer and flop down onto the sectional black leather sofa the furthest spot away from Filmore. He just rolls his eyes and continues to flick through his phone. And we just sit there as some stupid cartoon show plays, five minutes pass and Ruby still hadn't made it down. Grabbing the remote to at least change this annoying cartoon I settle on the home renovation channel.
"Hey, I was watching that," Filmore comments, eyes flickering away from his phone to me.
"No you weren't, you were too busy looking at your phone." Filmore just stares at me still and I make no moves to change it back.
"I was listening to it. Just hand me the remote back."
"No." I say simply hoping that'd end this conversation.
Filmore is downright glaring at me now, "Seriously Karen, hand me the freakin' remote."
"No," I repeat and turn up the volume on the large flat screen. Filmore tries to grab the remote out of my hand and I instantly it snatch away. "Quit, Jerk!"
"Give me the remote," Filmore complains and I stand and sit on the armrest of the sofa, but Filmore just follows me.
"Get away!" I push away Filmore's hands and stand up trying to hold back the laughter rising in my chest as he tries to reach for me again.
"No," Filmore stops, a small smile cracking on his face briefly before he stands as well. I continue to step away from him and he follows until my back hits the loyal blue wall behind me. "Give. Me. The remote." I shake my head and Filmore pushes me further into the wall, crowding my space. "There's only one way out of this Kare-bear," I roll my eyes at the stupid nickname.
"You're right," I agree and Filmore looks at me in question just before I knee him in the groin. His lanky form crumples away from me, giving me enough room to push him away. I laugh at his bent over form before running out of the living room and through the kitchen to the foyer.
I continue to laugh, remote still in hand deciding I'll go upstairs to check on Ruby. Just as I'm half way up the stairs I'm unceremoniously grabbed and dragged down the soft carpeted stairs. Laughter fills the foyer as Filmore continues to pull me and I uselessly kick my sock covered foot at him. I just continue to slide down until I hit the dark hardwood floor with a small "Hmph".
Feeling the grip on my legs release I try to crawl away, but it's pointless as I'm once again grabbed and flipped onto my back. I stare at Filmore in shock as he stares back with a triumphant smirk from ontop of me. His laughter softly resonates in my ears and I sulk in defeat.
"Aww, don't pout Kare...It's too cute."
I roll my eyes so hard I swear they're gonna get stuck like this and Filmore continues to pin my body down to the floor. After the adrenaline running through me calms down to a mild simmer I am hyper aware of Filmore's thin, but firm body on top of mine. I take in the fact that he's wearing a pair of faded jeans and a thin long sleeve maroon shirt. His muscles feel so weird against me, but I don't dare touch him or ask if that's actually a six pack lying flat against my stomach. I look up and it figures that I'm not the only one who has become more 'aware' of the other's body. Filmore's eyes flicker up to mine and he's no longer laughing or joking as he stares at me this time.
'What?' I want to ask, but I don't, scared to break the silence and unspoken tension between us. He leans closer and my breath hitches, heart beating just a little bit faster. I'm embarrassed to even think Filmore can feel how fast and hard my heart is beating right now. He doesn't seem bothered though and-just what is he trying to do! His face is just inches away from mine and just as I figure he would go in for the kill he moves away and pushes himself off of me. Wait, what? "What are you doing?" I finally ask as I sit up. Filmore doesn't answer and I'm just so-so frustrated right now! "Answer me," I demand.
"What?"
"You were gonna-," I stop in annoyance as Filmore looks at me completely calm in this situation. Less than five minutes ago my heart was about to burst through my chest, "You can't just-Ugh!" I groan in frustration, "You can't just not kiss me," I say quietly after a moment.
"Did you really want me to." He asks and I halt, thinking about this.
Did I really want Filmore to kiss me. Filmore, the boy that has annoyed the crap out of me for years and still does. The boy I've always asked myself why I'm still friends with...the boy who has become increasingly hot over the years. Did I really want him to kiss me?
"No," Filmore looks unsurprised by this and just leans on the wall across from me, arms crossed. "We were just caught up in the moment and with the feeling of pure adrenaline running through us. It was nothing."
"Of course," Filmore says smoothly and I nod content that he agrees with this. That's all it was.
"Loser, I thought I told you to tell Karen to wait in the living room." Ruby's voice interrupts slicing the tension in half.
"I did," Filmore replies to Ruby as she makes her way downstairs. Halfway she stops and picks up the remote off the steps and flips it in her hand until she reaches the bottom step.
"Want to explain why the remote was on the steps?"
"Want to explain why it took you so long to come downstairs," I counter and Ruby narrows her eyes playfully.
"Touche. I was was looking for my phone, I found it under my bed."
"I don't even want to ask why and how your phone got under your bed. So what is this surprise you were telling me about?"
"Movie night!" Ruby announces excitedly and Filmore and I groan not so excited. "What? This will be fun."
"Yeah, fun." Filmore comments and Ruby raises eyebrows at his sarcastic tone before looking back at me and I just shrug looking away.
"What happened while I was gone?" Ruby asks, but no one answers. "Uh huh, well then I'm gonna go make popcorn. Can you give me a hand Filmore."
"Why do you need help popping popcorn?"
"I just do," Ruby says and hands me the remote before dragging Filmore out of the foyer and to the kitchen by his maroon shirt. "Kare, pick a movie or TV show!" She shouts back at me and I move out of the foyer and into the empty living room and change the TV to netflix and begin searching for something before settling on an episode of Supernatural. I'm half way through the episode before Filmore and Ruby return with two large bowls of popcorn and two bags of mini dove chocolates.
"So, what did you guys talk about?" I ask, not caring for pretenses.
"What ever do you mean Karen?" Ruby asks settling in to my right and Filmore to my left.
"You guys took a while is all."
"Just stuff. Ooh Supernatural! What season is this?" Ruby says changing the subject and I let her with no protest.
"I don't know, just a random one. We can start a new one." I say, but I make no moves to do so as I practically stuff my mouth with popcorn to avoid talking.
"No, that's alright, we'll just wait until this one ends." I nod and we all continue to watch the episode.
(*)
We're in the middle of what is probably our fifth episode of Supernatural and the sun has past gone down. And we're all lounged in weird positions on the couch as we continue to stuff our faces and watch TV, afraid to look away in case we miss something. I reach for another handful of popcorn, but as I stick my hand in the bowl I'm met with the touch of someone else's. I yank my hand back and stare at the intruder. I wait until Filmore's hand is out of the bowl and quickly reach for more popcorn. The episode finishes and Ruby yawns before starting another episode and I tuck my legs under me and in the process brush against Filmore's leg. He thankfully probably didn't feel it so I just continue to go on as normal.
Thirty minutes I feel something creeping along my thigh, I brush my hand on my leg. I'm probably just getting the chills it is pretty cold in here (Ruby probably turned the air on earlier). Minutes later it's back again and goosebumps crawl up my arm. Looking down at what's crawling on me I see slender fingers tapping across my right thigh. I look at Filmore and he's not looking at me, and I quickly flick my head over at Ruby who's paying more attention to the TV than anything else right now. Filmore's fingers continue to tapping along my leg before suddenly squeezing it and causing me to jump. I look over at Ruby and for sure her eyes are still glued to the TV and I stare at my leg before looking at the TV once again.
"I think we should call it a night," Ruby says after the last three episodes and I check my phone for the time and it reads 10:55. I quickly send a text to Kenny telling him I'm spending the night at Ruby's. "So, you," Ruby says pointedly looking at Filmore, "Have to go."
"Shoot and here I thought I could sleepover," Filmore fakes disappointment and Ruby just stands and pokes Filmore in the chest.
"Hell no, do you want to die? Because Craig and my parents would literally kill your ass if I let you sleepover." He'd probably never make it long enough for her parents to get their hands on him if Craig comes through that door first. Ruby stacks both bowls on top of each other and place our trash inside of one, "Karen can you escort Filmore out."
"Sure she can," Filmore answers and I glare at him.
"Yeah," I say shortly before motioning for Filmore to follow me to the foyer. I flick the outside lights on and open the front door and Filmore walks out, but as I begin to close it he stops it with his foot. I open the door wider as he stands in the doorway. "What?"
"You like me." I scrunch my eyebrows in confusion.
"What gave you that bright idea?"
"You did. Admit it Mccormick, you like me."
"I don't." I cross my arms across my chest as Filmore moves closer.
"Really?"
"Really."
"Are you... sure?" We're close again and I try my hardest to contain my breathing.
"Yeah…" I breathe out.
Filmore smirks unconvinced and it irks me, "You don't believe that do you?"
"I do." I swallow the lump in my throat, heartbeat rising.
"Wanna know what I think?"
"Not really."
"Why, scared?"
"No, just don't care is all."
"You're sassy you know that, right?" I shrug and Filmore continues, "You play like you're so innocent though. Like you're still sweet little McCormick, but I bet under all of the brains, under all of whatever this is...you're something else. You're practically screaming for something else."
"Like what?"
"You're just too shy to admit," Filmore finishes ignoring my question.
"That's where you're wrong, I can get anything I want."
"Yeah?" Filmore asks raking a hand through his dark hair and it's not so much of answer, but I answer quickly anyway.
"It's true.
"Then show me." Without a moment's hesitation or thought I close the gap between us.
First kiss be damned. We kiss and Filmore leads and I just try to follow. My arms are covered in goosebumps, but it doesn't stop Filmore from holding both tightly in his warm hands. When the need for air proves to be more desirable we pull away and I can still feel the way his tongue intertwined with mine. Filmore's eyes flicker from my lips to my face, catching my breath I whisper softly before retreating away from the cool outside breeze and inside three words against his lips.
"Told you so."
I'm so nervous right now. Why am I so nervous? Calm down Sharon, it's just lunch with a friend a very attractive and funny friend, but a friend nonetheless. I take a deep breath and release it slowly. I can do this. I take a long sip of my coke to stop myself from being so anxious before glancing at the menu in front of me again.
"Hey," A voice greets and detours me from deciding if I should order swedish meatballs or a romaine salad with tomatoes and bacon. But the bacon and swiss burger looks and sounds delicious.
"Hi," I greet looking up at a smiling Blake as he pulls out his black wrought iron chair and sits in front of me. "Did you make it here okay?"
"Yes, traffic was hectic headed this way though."
"Oh, you caught the lunch rush. But trust me the food here will make up for it."
"I bet. I actually like the table you chose."
"Yes, I usually sit outside when I come here and it's actually nice out today despite it becoming cooler."
"I totally agree with that. I love the Fall season and the colors the leaves change into. So," Blake starts as he opens the menu in front of him. "Since I've never been here before, what would you suggest I get?"
"I don't know everything is really good here."
"What are your top choices?"
"Well, if I really had to narrow it down it would be the swedish meatballs, signature burgers, pollo al mattone, and the cajun seafood pasta," I look up from my menu and make eye contact with Blake who just grins at me, "What?"
"Nothing," He replies and looks down at his menu momentarily before the young waiter Sandy comes to our table and takes Blake's drink order and we forgo any appetizers seeing as how we both are on a tight lunch schedule. Sandy writes it all down quickly in a small black pad before looking at us.
"What would you like as your main dish?"
"I will take the bacon and swiss burger with your signature cajun steak fries." Sandy writes it down quickly before looking at Blake, "I'll have what she's having."
"Good choices," Sandy complements, "I will be back with your beverage shortly and your main courses should be done within 45 minutes."
"Thank you Sandy."
"You are so welcome Mrs. Marsh and-"
"I'm Blake Warrick," Blake introduces and reaches out to shake Sandy's hand.
"Nice to meet you sir," Sandy says shaking Blake's hand although he seems a bit perplexed at the brown haired man sitting across from me. They both release hands and Sandy rushes back inside of the restaurant.
"So it seems as if everyone is very close knit here."
"Mostly, but Sandy is a really nice boy. He's friends with my son Stan, they play on the same baseball team together."
"Although, he did seem a little confused."
"Hmm, really?" I ask although I know exactly what he means. I'd rather not talk about it or acknowledge it all.
"Yeah, like he expected me to be someone else."
"Oh, I usually come here with my husband."
"I'm sorry Sharon, if this is overstepping any boundaries-"
"No, no, it's fine, really. We're just having lunch, it's okay." Blake still looks skeptical and Sandy drops off his sweet tea before leaving quickly. "Me and my husband haven't really been here together in a while, so it's really nice to get out and have lunch with someone new for a chance." Blake nods in what looks like understanding.
"I understand. My ex-wife and I used to love going to a small italian restaurant every Friday for dinner on the outskirts of the town we lived in. Things became too... hectic for us and we no longer had the time nor the want to go there anymore or do much of anything really."
"I'm sorry to hear that." I reply and it breaks my heart a bit to know this piece information about Blake. He really does seem like a nice guy although every relationship is different and I do not know his ex-wife to judge her or their relationship. Plus, it would be like throwing stones at a glass house or the pot calling the kettle black.
"No worries," Blake smiles lightly at me, "It was awhile ago and we are both happy just being friends now. We were always better at that anyhow. I sorry that I'm rambling on, so just stop me if you want-"
"No, it's okay. I actually...prefer that you talk. I can completely relate to your situation."
"I don't mind if you want to talk about it." I swallow the lump in my throat and contemplate this. Blake just shared something so personal to him with me and he's offering to listen to me, so why not? Best to get advice from someone who's already traveled down this road before.
"Me and my husband are very similar to you and your ex-wife. We have a strong friendship, but romantically we've honestly fell off track. Our schedules never link up and when we are off from work or have a moment to ourselves we never want to spend it with each other. It's not like I want to neglect him or choose him over work it's just…" I trail off and Blake gently places his large hands on top of my much smaller ones.
"Honestly Sharon, you shouldn't blame yourself for doing what you love. And I hope I'm not out of line by saying this but I think your husband would be a damn fool to let something like this throw a permanent rift in your relationship." I stare at Blake in shock. He removes his hand from mine as I register what he just said.
(*)
Our food comes a moment later and we both dig in and talk about much smaller things as if our earlier conversation never even happened. When we're both done eating and laughing about something that happened in one of Blake's classes today his phone rings. Blake wipes his mouth with the white cloth napkin before fishing the white phone out of his back pocket and excusing himself to answer his phone.
Sandy returns to clear the table of our plates and glasses and Blake makes his way back to our table.
"Work?" I ask with a grin.
He gives a joking grin back, "Yes, just one of my students calling me to tell me she's going to be out today. Her child is sick with what may be a minor cold, but she wants to take him to receive medical attention to be sure."
"I hope her child is okay and that her grade doesn't suffer because of this."
"No, I don't require my students to attend class, so if situations similar to this happens to pop up or if they would rather watch reruns of the Walking Dead then they are free to do so."
"But won't they fail the class by not coming," I laugh at Blake's nonchalant shrug.
"Yes, but she won't fail because she attends every class meeting and works the hardest in her class despite being a single mother. I appreciate that and understand that life happens and that she has to put her child and health before my class."
"Wish I had more professors like you when I was in college."
"I doubt it. I'm barely able to shut my trap during my classes."
"But that's a good thing. I often wished my professors would talk or explain themselves more, I just really appreciate a good class discussion."
"Exactly, what good is it to just stare at a book the entire semester!" We both laugh and as we begin to wind down Sandy approaches our table and gives us the bill. I reach forward, but Blake stops me by once again placing his hand on mine.
"I got it." He says simply.
"But, I invited you, it's only fair that I pay."
"No way, I enjoyed myself, so how about we split the check then. That's good?"
"Its great," I smile and remove my turquoise wallet from my purse and the cash to split the bill and leave a hefty tip. We both place our money in the check holder and I continue to smile before chuckling lightly.
"What is it? Do I have something on my face?" Blake asks.
"It's just Randy always pays when we go out. And you were actually willing to split it."
"I mean why not. Keeps both of us happy."
"I wish he understood that." Sandy comes by to collect the check and I gather my purse and we both walk out to the parking lot.
"Well, this is me," I state as we come to a stop next to my car.
"I really enjoyed having lunch with you Sharon, we should do this again."
"Yes, for sure, soon." I lightly play with the keys in my hand, trying to think of something more to say.
"Just give me a call and we can make it happen."
"Okay, bye Blake." I unlock my car door, but his voice stops me with my hand on the door handle.
"And by the way, Sharon?" I turn around and Blake's piercing glare catches me off guard, "You deserve so much more than…" He trails off and doesn't finish his sentence, but I hear his unspoken words anyway. "I just wish you understood that." He says finally before walking away and across the parking lot.
I get inside of my car and start it up before pulling out of the crowded parking lot. As I'm driving back to the hospital I stop at red light and Blake's words swim back to me. The light still hasn't turned green and tears begin to roll down my face because it's true and i-it hurts for someone else to tell me this and it hurts because it's the truth.
Friday couldn't come any sooner...at least that's what I originally thought. I'm done with whatever shit Gerald Broflovski wanted me to do Today and now as I lounge on the sofa downstairs I have to listen to the other one yap my ears off.
"Dude, don't you have a party you're supposed to be setting up for?" I interrupt, "Yeah...go do that."
"I'm done, everything's ready." Damnit, worth a shot right? "I seriously need to get wasted tonight."
"Great, get pissed drunk and do something you'd regret. How rare."
"Ha ha, you're sarcasm is so hilarious to me."
"Well I try." I say sickly sweet.
"Asshole."
"Anyway, rumor has it Park County's golden couple broke up."
"Golden? Hardly. But I heard."
"Yeah, how tragic. And considering how M.I.A Wendy's been the past two days he did it."
"So he finally grew a pair."
"Exactly, but I'm more interested in the fact that you actually agreed to tutor the guy."
"Its nothing really."
"You sure?" I smirk, "I thought you hated him."
"What's the point?"
"What?"
"What is the point in me even hating him anymore. Look," Kyle heaves a heavy sigh through the phone.
"This has been going on for so long that I...I just can't keep fighting this anymore. I literally don't have the energy nor care to continue to hate the dude. What happened in the past happened, I need to move on."
"So...you're serious right now?"
"Yeah, I'm done."
"Wow, how mature of you Kyle, are you going to start writing your dissertation now."
"Don't be a smartass."
"Yeah alright. I believe you, about time you man the fuck up and stop whining over the dude."
"Like I didn't listen to you bitch and moan over Heidi when she broke up with you."
"That's different. I didn't spend my time hating the bitch I just got even."
"But that's the difference between me and you Cartman I don't have to get someone back. I'm content to just move on."
"Uh huh, after almost three years of brooding."
"Is there a point to this?" Kyle asks annoyance pouring through the phone.
"No, just saying, but anyway I'll probably see you later."
"And I'll probably punch you in the face if you don't, bye." I hang up with a chuckle and throw my phone beside me on the sofa.
Moving on? Letting go? Fuck if I believe that one. See, as much as Kyle likes to believe we're different we're somewhat alike. I know him, and the bullshit he just spewed to me was exactly what it is. Bullshit. This is the same stubborn and firecracker jew that swore up and down that if someone ever crossed him he would make them regret it.
Only one person ever crossed Kyle (not counting Stan) was Terrance Mephesto and he'd never do it again. After Kyle beat the holy crap out of him in front of everyone and sent his little minions after him for spreading nasty rumors and talking crap about him all sophomore year he's flown under the radar ever since. I can barely even feel an ounce of pity for the fucker, he's such a fuck head always has been and still is, but I will admit he does have balls.
Stan has always been a special case, he and Kyle go at it like cats and dogs, but they're evenly matched when it comes to reputation and influence. So, no I don't believe Kyle when he says he's 'let' this hate he has for Stan completely go. How do you just let go of two and a half years of fighting, rumors, vicious pranks and name-calling? Especially from someone who used to be your super best friend and practically attached to your hip.
Everywhere Stan went Kyle went and vice versa. There was no separating the two, if you wanted one the other came along and if you had an issue then you got neither. It was so sickening. But I'd honestly rather puke my guts out than have to deal with the messes they both make. I laugh to myself humorlessly at this entire situation. Everything just completely shot to hell because Stan just couldn't keep his dick in his pants.
"Are you going to Kyle's party tonight?" I look away from the laptop in front of me to look at Red.
"No." I say shortly and continue typing.
"Well, why not?"
"Because I don't really feel like partying tonight."
"Then what are you gonna do then?"
"Work, eat, and probably watch some TV. Why?"
"It's a Friday! What do you mean why?"
"And? It's just another day. I still have to finish this paper due in a few weeks," I rub the heels of my palms on my eyes briefly before turning back to the laptop screen. And its silent for a few long drawn out moments before I decide to ask, fed up with the grating silence, "What?"
"Hmm, you talking to me?" Red asks feigning innocence.
"Who else would I be talking to? I feel like you have something to say."
"I do, but I don't know how you'll take it."
"Just say it."
"Fine. You're kind of boring."
"Boring?"
"Yep, like, we've been doing this tutoring thing for weeks now right? And I know nothing about you and you never do anything, but work or occasionally watch whatever's on TV."
"Doesn't mean I'm boring."
"Tell me something then. What's exciting about you?" I think about this and I hate the fact that she's actually right. Maybe I am boring. "See, this is what I'm talking about Token." Red comes around to my side of the sofa in the large living room, left hand poised on her hip. "I've gotta get you to loosen up some."
I clear my throat abruptly, "I'm good."
"You are not. How about this," Red sits on the armrest of the sofa, "You tell me something about yourself and I'll tell you something about me."
"Why should I?"
"Because-"
"What can you possibly tell me that entire school doesn't know?" I try to call her bluff although I know nothing about her reputation other than the fact that she's known to sleep around. She doesn't answer for a moment and guilt registers within me. That was fucked up even for me. "I'm sorry, that was-"
"A lot. I can tell you a lot, only if you would want to know."
"Alright," I say quickly still feeling slightly guilty from my previous statement.
"You start," She says crossing her legs in front of her.
"What do you want to know?"
"What's your favorite color?"
"I don't really have one."
"Come on, one color that you'd rather see out of all the others. For example, my favorite color is Red. My parents used to call me this as a child so much I actually thought it was my name and I liked it so it stuck."
"What is your real name?"
"Rebecca. Gross."
"No, I like it." I disagree to Red's obvious disgust.
"It's so vanilla, so... normal I like Red better, because the color red is just so awesome you know? It's raw and passionate, uninhibited, and just deviant. So, what's your color?"
"Purple."
Red smiles, "Purple is passionate too. It's a deep passion that's not so obvious. It's comforting to know that something can be so bold, but still truly hidden." I didn't peg Red as the philosophical type.
"What do you want to do with your life Red?"
"Would I sound stupid if I said I don't know."
"Maybe. But then I'll be stupid too." I say, closing my laptop and sitting it on the coffee table in front of us.
"You? I bet you have your whole life mapped out by now. You're so smart any school would take you and it just seems to come easy to you."
"I'm just human and despite what you and everyone else thinks I'm just a stupid high school boy."
Red just shakes her head at me, "You're so much more. You just can't see it."
"Yeah, whatever." I say and Red just laughs and pushes my shoulder. A small smile reluctantly pulls at the corner of my lips at Red's high pitch squeaky laughter.
(*)
The conversation turns to less serious topics and it's good. Its honestly better than good, but I'll never admit it. I've learned that Red has a knack for cracking jokes that are actually funny. She actually seems interested in the stupid things that happens in my life or what she now calls 'dumb boy logic' I often spew out.
If someone would have told me in a million years that I would be sitting next to Red and actually having a debate about The comic book Avengers and the movie I would've laughed in their faces. After what feels only like at least 30 minutes I check my phone and the time reads 9:45. We've actually been talking for three hours straight. I lock my phone and Red looks at me in question.
"Don't you have a party to get to."
"I don't know, I kinda don't want to go now. There will be other parties and I doubt Kyle wants me there."
"What happened between you and Kyle anyway?" I ask a bit unsure if it's alright.
"It's stupid. We were supposed to hook up, but he...he flat out turned me down. He said something's that hurt, but I got over it. I always do."
"I'm sorry, Kyle can be a-"
"Asshole."
"Yeah, that." I agree uncomfortably.
"It's not like I haven't heard it before or been treated any different by anyone else."
"Then why do it? Why let them talk to you this way?"
"Because it's true," Red sighs and blows a stray red strand of hair out of her face. I don't know what to say to this. In the weeks I've actually been around Red she's been persistent in her work, friendly, nothing like anything I've heard from anyone else or around the school. "Anyway, I'll get out of your hair now. I know you have schoolwork and things to do." Red stands and I stand as well.
"No," I find myself saying, "You're okay."
Red walks over to the sofa she occupied three hours ago and grabs her black zip-up jacket and backpack. I walk with Red to the front doors and she pauses before enveloping me into a hug. I'm taken aback by this, but she doesn't let go and I eventually relax in her hold, "It's nice to know someone thinks so."
She whispers before pulling away from me, "You're a rarity in my life." She wrings her hands together before turning around and walking to her convertible volkswagen beetle. She drives off and I watch until I can no longer see her long red hair blowing behind her in the cool October air.
To say this party is awesome would be a huge understatement, but I'd be damn if I admit it. "Its cool," I reply to Kenny before taking a sip of whatever drink Kenny made up. We're leaning against the wall in the living room and looking at all the drunk kids making asses of themselves.
"Kyle, sure knows how to throw a hell of a party." He quickly throws his cup back before arms envelope him from behind.
"Kenny," Some girl purrs into Kenny's ear, but I hear it from standing so close. I move over a bit and Kenny shoots me a questioning look. I just nod before taking another sip and Kenny shoots me a weary look, but I ignore it and he reluctantly disappears with some chick. And good for him, he doesn't have to babysit me he should feel free to get fucked up if he wants. I nod at the occasional person that says something to me, but I don't try to make convo for too long.
I occasionally return to the kitchen to make more drinks and return to my space on the wall. After returning from my last drink run I see that a couple making out have occupied my spot and I click my teeth in annoyance and disgust at their sloppiness and maneuver through the sea of drunk bodies. But as I finally make it somewhere away from the mass of people in my direct line of vision is surprisingly Wendy and Bebe talking about something I can't hear. Wendy looks good as usual and when she laughs at whatever someone says to her pain lacerates my heart.
I don't know how long I just stand here and drink this awful night away and stare at Wendy. I'm annoyed at how many guys come up to her, how many guys that make her smile or laugh...it justs gnawing away at me. She's turned this way now and is saying something and I wish it was me she was speaking to. I finish off my drink and-
"Stan?" I look up and at Wendy who's standing a few feet away from me. She's staring at me nervously as she bites the corner of her lips.
"What?" I ask and my voice comes out harsher than I really feel. She shifts and I can tell she's a bit taken aback by my tone.
"Can we talk?" She rushes out.
"Why? I have nothing to say to you."
"Well, I do. Stop being so difficult and listen to me."
"I don't have to listen to you, I'm not some child!"
She frowns, "You're acting like one."
"I don't want to talk Wendy. Just please leave me alone."
"Stan-" Wendy starts, but I walk away anyway and grab an unopened bottle of jack daniels and head upstairs.
"H-heyy Craig," Tweak slurs as he moves closer to me enough to grind his hips against mine.
"Sup' Tweak," I reply mesmerized by the way Tweak's hips swing against my crotch. I smile at the wasted blonde and he smiles back cluelessly.
"Hey," I take Tweak's chin between my forefinger and thumb, "What did you take bunny?" Tweak smiles at the nickname a sign that he's probably beyond fucked up because he hates it when I call him that.
"Why aren't you dancing? Don-don't you wanna dance with me?" Tweak stares at me with huge doe eyes.
"You're so fucked up."
"No, but I'm t-trying to. Get fucked."
"Yeah, I got that, I thought you didn't roll that way?" Tweak just shrugs and continues to grind against me.
"It's a lot of things you don't know," He says cryptically and I clench my jaw at that. As if I haven't noticed since this summer.
"Like what?" I ask and Tweak doesn't reply and instead grabs the hem of his shirt and gets as far as his chest before I push his shirt back down.
"It's soo hot Craig," Tweak whines flinging himself against me and I try to ignore the stiffening in my pants.
"Bunny-," I start and he stares up at me.
"Hey, follow m-me?" Tweak says suddenly and hiccups before running away somewhere through the mass of people loitering around. Goddamnit! I follow in the direction Tweak went and spot the blonde going down a hallway before going upstairs.
I lose track of him by the time I reach the stairs, but I climb them anyway and walk down the long hallway and pass a handful of people kissing against the walls, and bodies gyrating to the loud music blasting throughout the house. I soon pass by an open bedroom door and notice a flash of light. Walking inside I had never been so sure that I like guys just as much (maybe even more) as girls.
There on top of the bed is Tweak without his green Invader Zim shirt, and tight dark blue jeans, and black vans with matching Invader Zim designs on the backstay on his knees staring at me in nothing, but red racer boxer briefs.
"Fuck," I can't help but comment at the sight of Tweak as I walk to the edge of the bed. Everyone knows that Tweak is cute, but like this...he looks really hot. Tweak smiles and wraps his arms around my neck pulling me in closer. I stare at the blonde haired boy in front of me and give him a small smile back before making a firm, but painful (considering the major hard on I'm sporting right now) decision.
"As much as I want to fuck you right now I can't." Tweak stares at me conflicted.
"But I want you to. I-I need it."
"No, not like this."
"But why? Why don't you ever give me what I want?" I back away and turn away from Tweak's adorably angry face and I can hear the comforter shift as he moves on the bed behind me. I take a quick deep breath before continuing as I turn back to Tweak. He instantly pulls me into a hug and I let him before finally speaking.
"Tweak I-" I didn't have time to finish before realizing Tweak had suddenly passed out in my arms, the sound of his soft breathing filling my ears. Just great. "Fuck my life."
For what feels like hours I sit on the floor in Kyle's huge room. I don't even know why I came here out of all the places to mope and get wasted. I guess its because its just so familiar to me, but looking around I realize that a lot has changed, it doesn't look how it did back when I knew every crook and cranny of this room, of this house. I guess I can also say the same about my room too, it's no longer the same either.
Taking a swig of the half gone jack daniels bottle I relish the burn that flows to the pit of my stomach. At the sound of the door opening I internally cringe at thought that it may be Kyle, praying that it's not. It seems like my prayers have been ignored as the door closes and the sound of the lock clicking into place and the redhead steps into my view.
"What are you doing in my room?" Kyle asks angrily as he glares at me. I refuse to answer and he moves closer, "I hope you didn't touch any of my shit."
"I didn't," I reply and take in another mouthful of jack daniels. Kyle stares at me in annoyance.
"Why are you in here?"
"Why do you care?"
"Because this is my house and you are in my room. I need an explanation."
"Fine." I hold back the embarrassment I feel and continue, "I needed to get away from Wendy so I came here." There's a long uncomfortable silence and I try to ignore it by burying my head in my knees as the house thumps with the sound of Diamonds Dancing vibrating the entire house.
"I should kick you out. I should downright hand you off to Wendy, but...I won't."
"Why?" I ask not looking up.
"Do you really want to know?"
"No."
"Why are you avoiding her?" Kyle asks and I pause wondering if he really cares. Probably not, but I don't really contemplate it more before speaking as he sits across from me on his bedroom floor.
"She wants to talk and I don't."
"About?"
"Why I called for a break."
"Then why not explain yourself?"
"She just wants to get back together."
"And you don't?" I don't answer that and instead lift the liquor bottle to my lips only for Kyle to swipe it from my loose hands. He lifts the whiskey bottle to his lips and takes a long swig before passing it back to me.
"She doesn't know what she wants." I say instead.
"And you do?"
I shrug. "Not really."
"Do you want to know what I think?"
"Not really."
"Look fuck face, I'm trying to help you out."
"I never asked you to."
"You obviously need someone to help you with this clusterfuck you've created."
"What are you going to tell me? How to fuck things up even worse? I'm good." Kyle visibly clenches his jaw in frustration and I stop myself from feeling like shit for giving him a hard time.
"So what then? You are just going to keep hiding from Wendy and try to stop yourself from exploding each time a guy talks to her. So, you're just going to continue to brood the rest of the year?"
"No."
"Then what? You need to man up and get over this. You made this decision so live with it."
"Why are you telling me this?"
"Because I'm not a total douchebag."
"Could've fooled me."
"Yeah well." Is all Kyle says before taking the bottle I offer to him.
"Can I be honest." The words slip from my drunken mouth before I can stop them. "Like all bullshit aside."
"As long as you don't get all sappy on me dude." I chuckle at that and he takes another drink.
"Isn't this like weird? Me and you actually having a decent conversation." I expect Kyle to downright ignore me or roll his eyes and stand up, but shocking me he answers.
"Yeah, but since we're being somewhat honest I'm done fighting with you."
"Me too. It's pointless you know?"
"Exactly." Kyle continues to drink from the almost empty bottle and its overwhelmly awkward. "What's up with you?" Kyle finally asks.
"Its really awkward."
"That's all?"
"Yeah…"
"Of course it's awkward you're just sitting there looking like you're two seconds away from puking." Kyle scrunches his nose up in disgust, "And this isn't third grade and I'm not Wendy, so the bin is over there." I laugh at that before passing the bottle to Kyle who finishes it off. "Just say something dude, It's not like I'm going to kill you or anything. Maybe."
"Shut up," I reply and Kyle grins at that and the tension in my shoulders loosens a bit. "Where's your Xbox?"
(*)
Kyle goes over to the flat screen in his room and hooks up his Xbox before handing me a controller. "Still shit at Xbox Stan?"
"Please I totally owned your ass at video games."
"You're clearly delusional Marsh. It was me who did the owning."
"We'll just have to see then won't we," Kyle laughs and my chest flutters at that. Kyle puts in the new Mortal Kombat and sits down next to me as the game starts up.
We drunkenly play Mortal Kombat which turns out to be as fun as it...used to. We joke around and occasionally mess each other up before erupting into more laughter. And I just feel so lightheaded, I don't think I've laughed so much in so long. When we contemplate sliding in another game Kyle stands and looks at his phone before calling it quits. "I have to go and kick these drunk fuckers out of my house." I laugh walking to the door. Apprehension fills me as I place my hand on the cool door knob.
"This wasn't as painful as I thought it would be."
"The only thing that was painful was watching you lose."
"Yeah alright, I lost." I stop not finishing what I was going to say and Kyle shows no signs of noticing or picking up on the unspoken words: 'this time'. Will there even be a next time? I swallow the lump in my throat at the reality that it won't be. That I was just afforded the tiniest glimpse of Kyle. Of the real Kyle, my Kyle. Everything will change as soon as we walk out the door and suddenly I hate it. I hate that it has to be this way and I haven't felt this way for so long. "Thanks," I say and it doesn't feel so forced this time.
"For what?"
'For just being you.' "For the advice."
"Oh, no problem. If you've forgot I kinda have a tact for helping people out with their shitty situations." We laugh again and it sobers too quickly.
"Well, I'm gonna go then. I rode over with Kenny."
"Yeah, I heard he got his car back." Why does it feel like we're grasping for words and things to talk about. To avoid the inevitable.
"Yep." I reply with nothing else to say and twist the doorknob to open the door and leave out. I close the door behind me and let out the breath I didn't know I was holding before hurrying down the stairs to find Kenny so we can leave. I find the golden blonde leaning against the banister keys in hand talking to Kevin Stoley.
"Hey, Stan," He greets turning to me and I nod before giving a handshake to Kevin.
"Ready?"
"Yeah, lead the way." We both head outside and into the cold October air and to Kenny's amazing blue refurbished 1975 Mustang Fastback. Kenny fixed and upgraded this car all by himself since he found it in the junk-yard freshmen year and there's not a scratch in sight. The inside is smooth black leather with all new upgrades. To say he loves this car is an understatement. We both get inside and Kenny turns on the heat before heading down the street and towards town.
"Hungry? I feel like getting some food."
"That'd be awesome right about now."
"Enjoy the party?"
"Yeah." I reply as we glide through the town. 'More than you think.'