Chapter 11: Rattlesnake Roundup! Part 1
(Hey folks, it's time for the next little story arc of this fanfiction which will see not only the development of some potential enemies for Lisa in the future but some angst in the romance division as well. What can I say? This is still fanfiction and I'm still a shipper at heart. As the great Robert England once put it, Just because it's a love story doesn't mean you can't have a decapitation or two!
Not that this is a love story, it's a horror story with some shipping shit going on. Just to be clear.
Anyway, thanks again to kittiesofcupcakes for the new awesome AV. I'm so glad to have someone like you following my work and I hope it never disappoints you!
Well, enough bellyaching. Let's get into this damn thing!)
"Come on! Bring it you foul beast!" Krusty demanded as he raised the whip over his shoulder. In his other hand, he shakily held an old wooden stool. "I said come on!" He closed his eyes and turned away as he hurled the whip toward the lion sleeping in front of him. The big cat's only reaction to the gentle tickle of the old rope on his mane was to swipe it away with his paw, yawn loudly and return to dreamland.
"Oh come on Simba!" Krusty begged, "We've been practicing for hours now! You gotta give me something!"
Just then, Lindsey Naegle came running into the room. The panicked woman, who nowadays wore twice as much makeup to conceal her aging skin and hair, stopped a few feet from Krusty to catch her breath. "Krusty," She finally choked out once she could speak. "You've gotta help us! It's a complete and utter disaster!"
"Ahhh! Can't you see I'm busy here!?" Krusty snapped, his patience for the day having been spent on trying and failing to get Simba to go along with the performance.
"Krusty! This is serious!" Lindsey shouted back. "These animals you've obtained from Mr. Burns are out of control!" Lindsey noticed the TV screen hanging overhead and pulled a small remote from one of her dress pockets. "Look! I'll show you!" She switched the TV on and changed the setting to display CCTV footage of every room in the studio. Every single one of them seemed to be under siege by one of Krusty's new circus animals.
"You have Tigger trying to eat the interns," Lindsey pointed to the footage of the dress room where an older but still light-voiced Jeremy Freedman stood on a mirror with his other interns as a Bengal tiger prowled below. He was trying and failing to keep the beast back with a stick. "N-Nice kitty! You st-stay back now!" He rammed the stick toward the tiger, only for the big cat to send it flying out of his hands with a single angry wipe.
"Then you have Baloo eating us out of house and home!" Lindsey pointed to another screen. This one displayed a giant grizzly bear in a tutu digging through the fridge in the break room. To Krusty's horror, he was currently munching through his leftovers from Luigi's.
"Not my leftovers!" Krusty cried. "It was Kosher night!"
"That's not even getting into Mr. Teeny's bad behavior." Lindsey continued, "He seems to have gotten even worse since the other animals came here."
Just then, the hanging TV fell to the floor and shattered completely. Looking up at the ceiling, both Lindsey and Krusty watched in horror as the culprit, none other than Mr. Teeny himself, let out an angry howl and used once on the wires he chewed through as jungle vine to swing down and grab Lindsey. Her black high-heels fell off her feet as she was taken up to the other side of the ceiling.
"Legally, I can count this toward worker's comp!" She shouted as she vanished from sight.
"Ahhhh!" Krusty cried as he fell to his knees. "This is hopeless! What was Mr. Burns thinking? I can't run a circus! I could barely afford any of the equipment!" As Krusty shouted this, he held up the whip and stool still in his hands. Both objects, shoddy and old, broke apart at that moment, leaving Krusty with only the handle of a whip and a single leg from the stool. Giving into his anger, Krusty chucked the stool leg onto Simba's shoulder which woke the big cat. With an enraged roar, Simba finally got up and marched toward Krusty.
"Wait! Hold on! It was an accident! I swear!" Krusty whimpered as the big cat crept closer. He opened his mouth to say more but was silenced by Simba's deafening roar. Krusty fell on his rump and crawled away until he bumped into a wall and found himself cornered. Simba's mouth watered as he neared Krusty.
"So this is how I go, not with a bang but with the horrible bloody agony of getting mauled to death." Krusty gulped, closed his eyes, and prepped himself for the end. He figured the next sound he would hear was the tearing of his own flesh from the bone.
Instead, it was the sound of a gun blast, followed by a familiar voice shouting "Whoo-Hoo!"
Opening his eyes, Krusty saw Simba shaking in fright at the man standing in the doorway of the room, his pistol still smoking and the grin on his face as wide as well...Texas.
"Yippy-Ki-Yay, little kitty! Why don't you go find a box to crawl into while I talk with my old friend?"
Simba, still shaken by the bullet that had torn a chunk from his mane, ran off, allowing the man known as Richard Texan to walk toward Krusty and extend his hand to help him up. "Krusty, old boy! It's been too long!"
Krusty, who had been too overcome with surprise to think of anything to say, smiled as it finally sank in that his old friend had returned. "Richie! It has been too long!" Both men hugged each other, patting each other's backs with gusto. "What are you doing back in Springfield?"
"Oh don't get me wrong. Texas is still mighty fine and all but I was feeling a little homesick for home away from home! Yee-haw!" Richard lifted up a suitcase with a bizarre diamond pattern on it. "Well, that and I've got a little business venture I want to discuss with the mayor. But enough about that now, how's your bacon cooking? From the looks of it, not too well." As Richard spoke that final sentence, a python slid down from the air vent above and slithered across the room, carrying a bone-shaped mass within its body.
"Ohh it's terrible!" Krusty cried. "Mr. Burns dumped this circus act on me but the animals are out of control and the performers went on strike as soon as they got here!" Krusty approached the nearby window and lifted the blinds so Richard could see the crowd outside more clearly.
"Do peanuts and cigarettes make decent pay?" A man in a blue leotard asked into a microphone.
"No sir! No ma'am! No way!" The rest of the group chanted.
"Hmm." Richard tapped his chin. "That's a mighty fine pickle you've gotten yourself into, Krusty."
"I couldn't help it! I was so desperate!" Krusty sobbed. "Ever since I lost the rights to that damn Mitchy and Sitchy cartoon, my whole career's been taking a dumpster dive!" He grabbed Richard's shirt and shook him. "I only have 100 locations left on my burger franchise!" As the clown wept, Richard pried his fingers off his chest, wiped himself with a handkerchief and then slapped Krusty. "Oww! My wisdom tooth!"
"Krusty calm down!" Richard demanded as he placed the handkerchief back in his pocket. "Now listen. I have my fair share of experience when dealing with God's critters and if you're willing to make a deal with me, I'd be more than happy to share some tips with you."
Krusty sniffled, "R-Really?"
Richard nodded. "Trust me! In the world of Texas animal show business, there ain't anyone half as good as me! In one week, I transformed an enraged grizzly bear into the number one star on the Dick Wammy show!"
(AN: I just made that up. Don't bother looking it up. There is no one named Dick Wammy as far I know)
"The point is, I can help you get this circus back on track! You'll be the cream of the oil!"
"Don't you mean cream of the crop?"
"I prefer oil."
"Humm. I don't know, what kinda deal are we talking about here?"
Richard grew excited. "You wanna see? Come here, I'll show ya!" Richard found himself a desk and sat down while Krusty nervously approached him. Once again, he brandished his suitcase, placed it on the desk, and zipped it open. "Remember that business venture I was telling you about? The one I'm hoping to speak to the mayor about?"
"Yeah?" Krusty confirmed nervously.
"Well then I got one word for you buster!" Just as Richard finished his sentence, a large Diamondback Rattlesnake poked its head out and hissed at Krusty, sending the clown reeling back in panic. He fell on his behind and crawled away while pointing at the reptile. "S-Snake!"
"Close! Rattlesnake!" Richard corrected. "This beauty is gonna be the star attraction of Springfield's First Annual Rattlesnake Roundup! I'm gonna be establishing a tried and true Texas tradition right here in this fair town!"
"Wait a minute," Krusty said as he got back up. "Didn't we used to have something like this back in the day? What was it uh..." He mumbled to himself for a moment before recalling the answer. "Whacking Day?"
"Oh yes. I remember the humble sport of beating snakes to death with blunt objects quite well." Richard sighed as he took off his hat and held it down as if he were mourning. "A proud American tradition, gone before its time." He sniffled, wiping a single tear from his eyes. Suddenly, he brightened up again and put his hat back on. "That's why I'm trying to bring it back again, only as something better!" As he spoke, the rattlesnake slithered down from the desk and onto the floor. Richard paid it no mind as he approached Krusty and wrapped his arm around him. "Oh! It's gonna be great Krusty! They'll be food, rides, dancing, square dancing and even something educational for the kids!"
"Will it be about snakes?" Krusty asked.
"Y...Yes." Richard admitted. "And after all's said and done, we'll cap off the night with a great rattlesnake roundup. We'll provide the tools and first aid needed and everyone will get to take home their very own hard-earned snakeskin!"
"And what makes you think Quimby will go for that?" Krusty asked.
"Oh let's just say his little friend Benjamen will be there to sweeten the deal." Richard reached into his pocket and Krusty assumed he was going to pull out a couple of hundred dollar bills. Instead, much to his surprise, he pulled out the latest Breaking Benjamen album. "I don't know why but apparently Mayor Quimby's gone crazy over this band for the past few years. I also have concert tickets prepared." Richard placed the album back into his pocket.
"Ok. I get it. You want to make this Rattlesnake Roundup thing into the new Whacking Day. That still doesn't explain what you want me to do."
"It's simple Krusty!" Richard beamed. "I want you to do a live show at the fair! Every fair needs its live shows after all and who better than one of the most successful comedians in all of Olde Springfield!"
"A live show!? I don't know." Krusty replied. "I'm having enough trouble getting these circus animals prepped for tonight's show as it is!"
"Which is all the more reason you should take my offer!" Richard shouted, "Tell you what, I'll help you out today, and if tonight's show is a success, you'll promote my Rattlesnake Roundup right then and there! What do ya say!?"
Krusty considered it for a moment, decided he had literally nothing short of his life left to lose, and said "Alright Rich! You got yourself a deal!" Just as the two businessmen shook hands, Sideshow Mel burst into the room, his face panicked and his silky blue hair flowing freely over his shoulders.
"As anyone seen a hideous legless reptile making off with my bone?" He asked. He stepped into the room, only to freeze upon hearing a terrible hissing noise accompanied by an enraged rattling. Gulping, Krusty's long-suffering sidekick looked down to see that he had stepped on the rattlesnake that Richard had brought in. The snake lunged itself at Mel's throat and both Krusty and Richard laughed as he wrestled with the serpent.
"Heh, heh. Things are already looking up for ol Krusty."
As far as Lisa Simpson was concerned, there was no such thing as psychic powers. As a child, she and Bart used to think they could communicate with each other telepathically as twins on TV sometimes claimed to do and Lisa, still having an air of childhood curiosity back then, decided to test it out through various experiments. Of course, every single one failed and both siblings were forced to come to the conclusion that such powers did not exist. Lisa never really minded not being able to read another person's thoughts and while Bart was disappointed and yearned for such powers, Lisa was content with being in the dark about such things.
Until this particular mourning at least.
Her phone told her that she had only been sitting at that table for five minutes but to Lisa, it felt like five hours since she had awakened from a dreamless sleep, showered, dressed, and headed downstairs for breakfast. She had yet to utter a single word to either of her siblings but from the looks of concern and in Maggie's case, outright fear, she could tell they felt the exact same way she did. At the head of the table sat Homer, his face obscured with yesterday's newspaper as it was all he had. The sound of quiet, joyless munching could be heard from behind the dated paper and every so often, it would be broken with a grunt of displeasure. Standing over the stove, her hair matching the height of the steam coming from the sausages in her pan, Marge remained just as silent, only breaking said silence with an occasonal murmur.
"What the hell is going on with Mom and Dad?" Lisa thought to herself.
"I don't know but I can feel the tension from in here." The Beast whispered. Ever since "feeding" on the murder of Tobias, she had been surprisingly complacent, only popping up to add a sharp little quip every now and then. It was the Monday after the murder and from the living room, the family could hear Kent Brockman's voice as he interviewed the dead boy's father.
"Now sir, I know this is hard but what are your thoughts on the fact that your beloved son had fallen victim to the monstrous, unforgivable Animal Avenger?"
"I...I should have been there," His father, an oily, hairy thing, choked. "I should have been there at the house that day but I just had to take an extra shift at work and now my boy is gone!"
Part of Lisa felt somewhat bad for the father whose son she had stolen but all it took for her to dispel such guilty feelings was to remember why she had slain him in the first place. Brockman's biased commentary on her certainly didn't help matters.
"Do you feel proud of yourself, Mr. Defender of Helpless Animals?"
"Why don't you grab some vaseline and stick that microphone where the Sun don't shine, Brockman." Lisa thought bitterly as she took another bite of cereal.
"And as if stomping this poor defenseless boy, whose only crime was aspiring to be an Internet star, into a puddle of blood and gore wasn't bad enough, the deranged psycho had the utter audacity to film the murder and upload it to Youtube where it racked up 1,000,000,000 views before finally being taken down."
"Heh. That's 1,000,000,000 more views than any of your study tips ever got."
"Shut up." Lisa thought as she tried to tune out the TV and focus back on the task at hand. Namely, figuring out just why Mom and Dad looked like they wanted to kill each other. She briefly considered the idea that maybe she could send the Beast into their heads to figure out what the problem was, realized how stupid said idea was, and waited for her all-too vocal instinct to chastise her for it.
"Even if I could, I'm not getting anywhere near those assholes. They scare me."
"Hah. Hah." Lisa thought, even as a part of her completely understood and sympathized with the Beast.
Marge lifted up the pan and dropped the sausages onto the center plate on the table before returning to the kitchen, all without saying a word. Homer reached for one of the sausages, cried out when the pain proved too much for his fingers and fought through it to place the sausage on his plate, all without looking up from his paper or putting it down. From the stove, Marge uttered another annoyed murmur.
Bart had decided that he and his siblings had had enough. With his arms stretching out, he loudly proclaimed. "Ah gee! Look at the time! We better get going or we're gonna be late for school! Right Lisa?"
"Huh?" Lisa opened her mouth to ask her brother why he of all people would want to get to school on time before suddenly reading the room and realizing his true intentions. Perhaps there was such a thing as a psychic connection between siblings after all. "Oh R-Right!" She turned to her younger sister, "Maggie hurry up and finish those cornflakes!"
Maggie looked up at her parents and sighed as she let her spoon drop back into the bowl. "It's ok. I'm not really hungry right now."
Lisa fought the urge to ask her little sister what was wrong as she wanted to get out of this awkward situation as fast as possible. Besides, within her heart, she already knew the source of Maggie's anguish was her parents, something they would need to have a girl-to-girl talk about later. The three Simpson siblings finished gathering their things and headed toward the front door.
"Have a great day kids." Marge uttered. She flipped the stove off.
"Yeah. Have a good day." Homer repeated before flipping to the final page of his newspaper.
As Lisa and her siblings walked past the TV, Kent Brockman's interview with Tobias's father was coming to an end.
"Sir, one last question. Do you have any words at all to share with the Animal Avenger, lest he is watching this program from- whatever dingy pigsty he surely calls home?"
"Bite me, Brockman." Lisa flipped the bird toward her TV.
"You better watch your back because I'm coming after you!" Tobias's father said.
"Alright Thank you," Kent pulled the microphone back to himself. "Police are still-
"You hear me, you bastard!?" The man shouted into the microphone as he yanked it out of Kent's hands. "I'll cut off your nutsack and nail it to my door! L-Like one of those lion door knockers rich folks got!"
As Kent tried to wrestle the mic back from the hairy man, Lisa, and her kin were already out the door.
"THAT WILL BE YOUR BALLS!"
"Did Mom and Dad seem a little... iffy today Lis?" Bart asked as he and his sister approached the high school.
"Bart, I think that might a contender for the understatement of the century." She replied, "I could feel myself choking on the tension back there! Not to mention the look on poor Maggie's face."
"I know. I saw it." Bart thought back to the glum expression Maggie wore as they dropped her off at Springfield Elementary. "Do you think she knows what's up?"
"Maybe but it's best we give her some space to come to us herself," Lisa suggested. "Besides, who knows, this whole thing might blow over soon."
"I just hope it does before graduation," Bart said. "Last thing I need is my folks fighting on the one night none of us thought was going to come."
"Hey, don't talk like that!" Lisa patted her brother on the back. "You may not want to admit it but you worked hard to get to this point. You should be proud!"
"I guess," Bart answered indifferently, trying his hardest not to let Lisa become aware of the small spark of joy he held in his chest from her comment. Of course, Lisa already knew of it but decided to cut Bart some slack by changing the subject.
"So, do you have a date for the senior prom yet?"
"Nope. But I have some options lined up." Bart replied. It was then that he remembered the fiasco with Milhouse the other day, crying about how Lisa looked ready to kill him when he asked. "Hey, what about you?" He questioned, "I heard Milhouse asked you out but you said no."
Lisa's smile faltered. "Oh please don't bring that up, Bart. I've already told you countless times why that can't work. It's not like I hate Milhouse or anything but he's...he's..."
"Too geeky? Too clingy? Nose too big?" Bart asked.
"Let's just say he's too Milhousey and leave it at that." Lisa looked to the ground and sighed. "Besides, I don't even know if I'm going to the stupid prom."
"What!?" Bart gasped. "Lisa, it's a senior prom that's open to Juniors. You have to go!"
"I'm not saying I won't! I'm just saying I don't want to rush into i-OOF!"
Lisa had bumped into a large black student whose gaze was fixed on his phone. "Whoops! Sorry!" He apologized as he walked past the Simpson siblings.
"No...problem..." Lisa trailed off as she watched the student walk away and rubbed her nose. Bart came up to her and asked her if she was ok. "I'm fine. Just wish that guy was watching where he was going. I mean, who walks around with their eyes on their phone?"
"Um...apparently, a lot of people," Bart spoke.
"Huh?" Lisa looked around and realized almost everyone around them was on their phone. Some like the black student were walking about but most were sitting on the steps of the school or on the picnic tables within the area. From the various phones of all makes, models and colors, the audio of an all too familiar murder played out.
"Oh my God!" Lisa realized. "They're all watching reuploads of my video!"
"Well hello, Miss Popular!"
"Not now!" Lisa heard Tobias's screams play right in her ear and turned around to see Bart watching the same video on his phone. "Bart!"
"What? If you can't beat 'em, join 'em!" Bart went back to watching the video. "Still I can't believe the Animal Avenger would actually do something like this. Do you think he'll film all his murders from now on?"
"I doubt it," Lisa replied, somewhat saddened by the automatic assumption that the Animal Avenger was a man. Sure, it helped to keep the suspicion off of her but that didn't make the subtle sexism hurt any less. "I think this had more to do with the fact that his victim exploited animals on Youtube."
"Oh, so an ironic murder huh?" Bart laughed. "You know, on some messed up level, this Animal Avenger's guy kinda cool."
"R-Really?" Lisa asked uneasily. She wasn't sure whether to be flattered or repulsed by her brother's comment.
"I mean, you know, in a morbid curiosity kinda way." Bart elaborated.
"Right, right." As Lisa and her brother continued their march through the crowd, she found herself tuning into the whispers of the student body as they watched her latest crime."
"So violent! Why does this man feel the need to kill when petitions exist?"
"I heard he was abused as a child. His pop would force-feed him broken glass and shit!"
"Well I heard he was raised by feral dogs and that's why he goes after animal abusers. He sees them as hurting his family."
"Do you think he's really secretly hot?"
"Oh yeah! I don't care what anyone says! He's not evil! Just misunderstood!"
"I can't wait till they catch him and give him the chair!"
"Yeah! God will make sure he burns in Hell!"
Lisa sighed. Most days, she found the various opinions of her fellow students intermingling in the air like this comforting, a reminder that, even if it wasn't exactly top-notch, she was still intending a school that provided an equal learning opportunity for all. Today, she simply wanted them all to shut up.
"Excuse us! Important people passing through!" A familiar voice spoke from behind. Before Lisa could turn around to see who it was, she found herself pushed out of the way by Jessica as she dragged Nelson along with her. "Make way! Thank you!"
"Jessica," Lisa thought venomously. What was left of her good mood for that day vanished as she watched her arch-enemy walk up the stairs without a care in the world and would have remained gone if not for Nelson looking back at her. His gaze locked onto hers and his lips curved into a small smile. Lisa felt herself blush but returned the smile nevertheless, mentally praying that Bart wouldn't notice. Luckily for her, this turned out to be the case as Bart was too busy locking eyes with Jessica who offered him a single flirtatious wink before vanishing along with her boyfriend into the school. Bart grinned at this and as with Lisa, was content to remain where he stood and bask in the memory of what had just transpired. But this was not to be as the school bell rang, snapping both of the Simpson siblings out of their stupor.
"Shit! We'll be late to class!" Lisa cried. Both she and Bart rushed into the school, the head of the herding students. To call the fact that neither of them were crushed by the stampede a miracle would be an understatement.
"Alright, for today, we're going to be practicing Marching Formation C and this time, I don't want any screwups! This means you, fatty!"
"Yes, ma'am!" The fat kid with the cymbals in his hand whimpered.
"And a one and a two and a one, two, three, four!" With a single stroke of her wand, Ms. Wallace started the cacophony. The students waited patiently until it was their turn to birth a new sound from their instrument. Sitting in the back with her saxophone, Lisa continued to think back to that morning. More specifically, of Nelson Muntz and the almost invisible but apparent look of sadness in his eyes.
"Hey Lis...Lis...Lisa!" Clementine's voice cried in her ear, startling Lisa and snapping her out of her funk. "Gah! W-What!? Clementine! Don't do that!"
"Sorry," Clementine whispered with a slight giggle. "You just looked like you were lost in La-La land so I thought I had to save you."
"Well thanks," Lisa replied dryly before turning her attention toward Ms. Wallace and waiting for her turn. Only a few seconds passed before Clementine leaned close to her ear and whispered, "You know, you were blushing something fierce while you were in La-La Land."
Lisa's spine chilled as she heard those words.
"Were you thinking about a special boy or something?" Clementine teased.
"No! Shut up!" Lisa whispered.
"Or maybe a special girl?"
"Not now Clementine!" Lisa pleaded.
"Oh come on! You can tell me!"
"I said stop!" Lisa suddenly shouted. The room fell silent and all eyes fell on Lisa whose cheeks had once again flushed as red as her childhood dress.
"Is something the matter with the class, Miss Simpson?" Ms. Wallace asked with her arms folded.
"I..I...um?"
"I'm sorry Ms. Wallace!" Clementine suddenly interjected with a raised hand. "I'm still looking for a date for the prom and I was asking Lisa if she knew anybody cute but she wanted to focus on the task at hand, right Lisa?" She turned to Lisa with a smile, even as some of the other band geeks snickered. Realizing that Clementine was throwing herself under the bus, so to speak, to save her from humiliation, Lisa nodded. "Y-Yes! I already told you it can wait until after band class!"
"I'm sorry Lisa," Clementine turned to Ms. Wallace. "And I'm sorry for disrupting the class."
"Well, alright. See that it doesn't happen again." Ms. Wallace tapped her wand onto her desk. "Alright, now where were we?"
As the music started up again and a few of the students uttered their final snickers at Clementine, Lisa turned to the new student who only offered a playful wink before blowing into her trumpet. From the flute seat, Allison, who had watched the whole thing unfold, smiled and shook her head with a giggle.
"Why did you do that?" Lisa asked as she, Clementine, and Allison walked down the hallway. "You could have got yourself in serious trouble!"
"Not to mention you made yourself a laughing stock for the entire class," Allison added.
"Eh, it doesn't matter to me." Clementine answered, "I just didn't want Lisa to get in trouble because of my prodding."
"Well, thanks." Lisa smiled.
"But now that that's out of the way, do you know anybody cute who's looking for a prom date?" Clementine teased.
"Clementine! Stop it!" Lisa giggled. "I don't even know if I'm going to prom!"
Both Clementine and Allison's jaws dropped. "Are you serious!?" They both shouted in unison.
"Huh? What's wrong?" Lisa asked.
"Lisa, this is prom! It's only like, the biggest night of a teenage girl's life." Allison replied
"Or so society says," Lisa mumbled. "Besides, it's not like it's our senior prom. We just have the option to come,"
"But that's exactly why you should come, Lisa!" Clementine cried. "So you can have a taste of how magical the night can be before you go to the real deal next year!"
"Besides, it's the perfect excuse to score an easy date with people normally out of your league."
Lisa turned to Allison with a gaped jaw. "Allison, do you have a date for the prom?"
Allison blushed and smiled. "I...I do..."
Both Lisa and Clementine gasped. "W-Who is it?"
"It's a surprise," Allison giggled as she turned away.
"I don't believe it." Lisa thought. "Allison actually managed to get a date before me?"
"What's to be surprised about? She beat you at everything when you were kids."
"Not now!" Lisa growled under her breath.
"Huh? Did you say something, Lisa?" Allison asked.
"Oh! Uh! I said Oh wow! Congratulations on getting that date, Allison!"
"Thanks." She placed a hand on both Lisa and Clementine's shoulders. "I'm sure you guys will find ones as well."
"And even if we don't, we can just take each other to prom!" Clementine teased. She wrapped an arm around Lisa and pulled her closer. Lisa uttered a surprised grunt which caused Allison to laugh. This continued until Lisa brought up that they would be late for lunch if they remained in the hallway and so the trio continued toward the cafeteria.
Once they arrived, Allison and Clementine got in line while Lisa waited for them, holding her lunch bag against her chest. Both of her friends came out with meatloaf on their trays and walked with her to the empty table at the back of the room. Lisa uttered a sigh of contentment as she opened her bag and pulled out the salad her mother had made her last night along with a small bag of baby carrots and a small cup of ranch. Lisa freed her plastic fork from its plastic casing and started eating, relishing the flavor of the leafy greens in her mouth.
"By the way, have you guys seen that video the Animal Avenger uploaded to Youtube?" Clementine asked nonchalantly.
Lisa started choking on her salad, prompting Allison to run over to her side and pat her back. "Hey, are you ok?" She asked.
"I-I'm fine!" Lisa defended, "I just got a little shocked is all!"
"So you have seen the video!" Clementine inquired.
"Um, bits and pieces of it, sure." Lisa lied, hoping that the outburst with her salad hadn't made anyone suspicious of her.
"I watched half of it," Allison said as she got back to her seat. "That's about all I could stomach really. I mean, just thinking of that man's head... it's...BLURPH!" She covered her mouth with her hand and pushed her tray away, any appetite she might have had for the meatloaf gone with the wind. After a few moments, she swallowed, gagged, and continued. "I understand what that young man did was wrong but still, what kind of sick monster could do that to another human being!?"
Lisa felt a chill race through her skin. She was aware that Allison, as well as much of the Springfield populace, did not care for her actions when she donned the mask. It still didn't make it any better when Allison said such things to her face.
"I don't know." Clementine said through a mouthful of meatloaf. "If you ask me, this Animal Avenger guy is a hero."
Both Lisa and Allison looked at Clementine as if she had just eaten a baby in front of them. "W-What!? How could you say that?"
"I know it's a little fucked up how he does things," Clementine continued as she dug her fork into another chunk of meatloaf. "But the way I see it, it beats having some random psycho going after innocent people who never did anything to deserve it."
"They may have not been innocent but they're still human beings, Clementine!" Allison shouted. "All life is sacred!"
"Is it?" Clementine challenged without missing a beat.
"Huh?"
"Well, take parasites for example. Tapeworms, heartworms, ticks. They literally live to feed off of other animals, stealing their blood and their energy. They don't care if the animal they get it from is a fully-grown healthy adult or a two-week-old baby that can't survive the strain. All they care about is getting their pound of flesh. They take and take and take and what do they give in return? Nothing! Zip! Ziltch! Nada! If all the parasites in the world were to disappear, no one would be sad in the slightest!"
"Um..what are you getting at exactly?" Allison inquired, clearly becoming uncomfortable with the situation.
"Yeah," Lisa spoke up. "What does that have to do with the people the Animal Avenger kills?"
"Look, I know it's a little fucked up but I can't help but see those people the same way I see parasites," Clementine responded. "I just don't feel bad for them in the slightest. Hell, if anything, I feel like I can breathe a little easier knowing a human being with that mentality is no longer walking the Earth."
"But wouldn't the Animal Avenger fall under the same category then?" Allison asked. "I mean, he's out there torturing and murdering people!"
Lisa felt her heart sink a little.
"Not really. Since the Animal Avenger only goes after animal abusers, I choose to see them more like a predator. Yeah, they might be cruel to their prey but in the end, their existence still serves a purpose in nature's design, killing the unworthy few so the many can thrive." She turned to Lisa with a wide smile," What about you Lis? What's your verdict on the Animal Avenger?"
Lisa grew still, her open mouth mere inches from her fork. The piece of lettuce she had brought up to eat fell lifelessly back onto her plate. "Well I..." She trailed off, part of her waiting for the Beast to speak up and offer some advice. Whether because she found the conversation useless or simply enjoyed Lisa's suffering, the Beast remained silent. "I'm...not sure what to think to be honest." She finally admitted. "On one hand, they're a cold-blooded killer. That much is true but on the other hand, they only go after animal abusers, and while I don't agree with the use of murder as a solution,"
"Hypocrite." The Beast giggled.
Lisa closed her eyes, rolled them underneath the lids, and opened them again. "I do hang on to the hope that this could have positive outcomes in the future. Maybe after all this, people will finally learn to see animals as equal beings rather than just food or entertainment. And if not," Lisa reclaimed her lost lettuce with the fork and happily munched on it, "At least the assholes of the world will think twice before kicking their dogs."
"Wow. Just wow." The Beast cooed.
"Well, you just stop with the wows and tell me what's the problem?" Lisa asked. The school day was nearing its end and she had made one last trip to the library to return her book on psychology. She had only gotten only halfway through when she decided it would be of no help concerning the Beast. That and she decided she didn't need the help anyway, at least not now.
"No problem. I'm just impressed by the answer you gave to that Clementine girl's question. If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were starting to take pride in being the Animal Avenger."
"Of course not!" Lisa denied. "I was just telling her the truth as I saw it. What I do is wrong, yes, but compared to the thousands of atrocities committed against animals every day, it's a necessary evil!"
"Whatever helps you sleep at night." The Beast muttered. "Although I must confess my intrigue toward that Clementine girl. I found her way of describing us as...what you say...much more accurate. I like that girl."
"Egoist!" Lisa fired back. She stepped out of the library and headed down the hallway. The final bell would ring any second now and Lisa wanted to already be out the doors before the hallways were flooded with chatting, burping students threatening the trample her. As she walked, however, her mind continued to recall Clementine's words.
"Take parasites for example. They literally live to feed off of other animals, stealing their blood and their energy. They take and take and take and what do they give in return? Nothing! If all the parasites in the world were to disappear, no one would be sad in the slightest."
"I remember..." Lisa whispered to himself. "It's so eerie. It's as if I'm having that conversation with him all over again...
"Lisa, what do you think of viruses?" Issac asked.
"Huh?" Lisa looked up from her library book. The two third-graders were sitting on a bench on the playground, something they had taken to doing together ever since Issac had come to class. As it turned out, neither of them liked to play very much. Issac just didn't enjoy any of the equipment the school had to offer and without any close friends, Lisa found more fun to be had with her nose in a good book. And so this daily routine formed where the two would sit together and chat. It was from this that Lisa learned so much about Issac. His love of Shakespeare. His interest in the mechanics of baseball although he himself had no intention to ever play and his somewhat morbid fascination with the concept of decay. Lisa in turn, relayed her love of the Angelica Button books, her admiration for great women of science, and of course, her tutorage under the late great Bleeding Gums Murphy. All in all, it was just a fun routine that the two shared, at least until the day Issac asked that question. "What do you mean? Like computer viruses?"
"No, I mean like the kind that causes Influenza and measles " He corrected. "You told me when we first started hanging out that you believe the life of all animals, including insects, was scared but do you consider viruses to be animals?"
"Not really," Lisa closed her book. "According to science, viruses are complicated assemblies of molecules that are inactive until they enter the cell of a living organism. By all accounts, they are not alive."
"And yet they exist." Issac continued. "Even though they have no place in this world and even though they offer no benefit to anyone but themselves, viruses exist. They exist and they cause sickness in otherwise healthy animals. In humans! They cause disabilities and even death. Honestly, I think viruses have no right to exist. The world would be better off without them." As Issac spoke, he seemed to be glaring at the jungle gym up ahead. Howling at the top as he pushed his so-called friends down onto the sand below was Tyrone, the same boy that had tried to trip Issac on his first day at school.
"Issac, where's this anger coming from?" Lisa asked as she placed a hand on his shoulder. "Did someone in your family get sick or something?"
Issac turned to Lisa and his expression softened, "No! Of course not. I was just trying to make a point that some things aren't needed in this world because they only cause problems. Surely, you feel that way about some things right?"
"Oh! Of course!" Lisa started listing these things off the tips of her fingers. "Pollution, factory farming, the fur industry, plastic wrappings for individual pieces of fruit,..."
As Lisa continued to list her various grievances with the world, Issac looked back toward Tyrone. The fugly kid with messy brown hair and freckles seemed to have made it his life mission to try and bully Issac. Keyword try. Issac had dealt with his kind before and there wasn't anything new about the way Tyrone went about it. Trying to trip him in class. Filling his locker with rotten vegetables from the school cafeteria. Even stealing and breaking his pen collection one by one. Issac had seen it all and he fully intended to deal with it in due time the way scientists deal with a virus. Because that's what people like Tyrone were. An unwelcome virus in an otherwise perfect world.
But before that, there was some other business he needed to take care of.
Turning back to Lisa who was still listing all the things she wished would disappear from the world, Issac gently grabbed her hand, causing her to stop. "Lisa, we've been hanging out for weeks now."
"Y-Yeah?" Lisa agreed uneasily, unsure of what Issac's motive was. She felt herself blush and looked away in embarrassment.
"I'm sorry if I'm coming off a little strong here but I really like you Lisa," Issac admitted.
Lisa uttered a small gasp and covered her mouth. "Issac!"
"And I really hope you like me." His cheeks were red now, although not as bright as Lisa's
"I..." Lisa paused for a moment as if mentally assuring herself what she was about to say was the truth. "I do!" She exclaimed.
"Then do you think, you and I, could be...be...boyfriend and girlfriend?" Issac finally spluttered. The color of his cheeks matched Lisa's more evenly now.
"Oh my gosh Issac! I..I don't know what to say!"
"Just say yes!" Issac scooped up Lisa's other hand and held them together between his palms, all while giving Lisa a pleading look akin to a puppy. Lisa thought she felt her heart melt at that very moment, only to then realize it was actually the block of ice from when she...
No! She wasn't going to allow herself to think back to that time. It was the past and this was the present and the present currently had a cute and smart boy asking her to be his girlfriend. Smiling, Lisa nodded. "Ok. Yes! I'll be your girlfriend!"
"Oh Lisa!" Issac planted a small kiss on Lisa's lips, barely giving Lisa time to return the favor. That was alright with her, though. There wasn't any reason to move things along too fast."
"Ahh! Ain't that sweet! The two dorks are in love!" Tyrone, who had witnessed the kiss from the top of the jungle gym, called out, prompting his friends and anyone else within hearing range to laugh. Both Lisa and Issac looked at each other with embarrassed but happy expressions on their faces. When the bell had rung and recess was over, the two outcasts walked back into the building holding hands.
Lisa sighed. "If only I knew back then what I know now," There was an uncomfortable parallel between Issac's conversation back then and Clementine's earlier today, and part of Lisa wished she hadn't noticed it. She was near the exit now and the bell was due to ring any second. Lisa decided at that moment, she was going to order a Squishee, extra large, and head straight home. Just as she was figuring out which flavor she should try to get, a familiar voice called out to her.
"Lisa?"
"Oh no." Lisa thought as she turned around and found Milhouse standing before her, just like last time.
"Oh boy." The Beast growled. "What does the little blue headache want this time?"
"Oh. Hi Milhouse," Lisa greeted nervously, ignoring the Beast's unwelcome comments and trying to remain civil. Of course, she was about as eager to talk to Milhouse as the Beast was but at the same time, she regretted snapping at him like she had last week. Hopefully, she could make this encounter slightly more pleasant than last time.
Assuming, of course, that Milhouse didn't provoke her again.
"Listen, about last week," Milhouse trailed off, as if he himself seemed unsure as what to say.
"Look Milhouse, I'm sorry about my outburst the other day. Really. I just had some things on my mind,"
"Like Tobias's ass." The Beast cooed.
"No," Milhouse spoke up. "I'm sorry."
"Huh?" Lisa was taken aback.
"When you snapped at me last week, it really made me think. Why would Lisa do that to me? Milhouse? The one guy that's loved her since the beginning?"
"We still have time to destroy him, you know?"
"Shut it!" Lisa thought.
"But as I was thinking it over, I realized that I wasn't nearly as nice to you as I remembered. I never stepped up for you when you were being bullied, hell I even joined in sometimes. And that time I and my friends followed you to college-"
"Milhouse! Please stop!" Lisa begged. Whatever she was expecting out of the blue-haired teen's mouth, this wasn't it and she needed a moment to process the information
"The point is, you have every right to hate my guts. So I'm sorry, for everything." Milhouse held his head down in shame.
Lisa found herself speechless. She open her mouth to respond but nothing came out. From inside her head, she could still hear the mocking laughter of the Beast. Suddenly, the school bell rang and the hallways instantly filled with students eager to get home, head to the mall, or simply be somewhere that wasn't school. Seeing her opportunity to end the awkward conversation, she placed a hand on Milhouse's shoulder and said, "Apology accepted!" Then she threw open the front door and ran off. Milhouse followed her out of the hallway and down the front steps of the school, hoping, praying that she had something else to say. For deep in his heart, as much as he knew he didn't deserve it, he still loved Lisa and secretly hoped that apologizing to her for his past actions would convince her to go to the Prom with him.
As he watched her run to the main sidewalk and take a left, however, Milhouse realized with a sinking feeling that it had only been a fleeting wish. A selfish, self-serving fleeting wish. He stepped to the side and watched as the herd of students spilled out from the school like water from a closed-off hose. Miserably, he looked down at his arms which were now showing signs of beefing up. "So much for getting jacked." He thought sadly.
"For you see Lanky, I am your father!"
"Noooooo!"
The two turtles with swords vanished as the screens went black.. Both Bart and Lisa groaned, each pining for the days when they could have watched a blue mouse shove glass shards into a black cat's eyeballs. Normally, this would be the time that Maggie would tell them to shush so she could finish watching the credits. Tonight, however, she found the cartoon about as thrilling as her older siblings did. She wasn't bored of it or anything. The crushing weight of the tension between her feuding parents sucked the joy right out of her. They were sitting on opposite ends of the couch, her father stuffing his face with potato chips and her mother knitting Aritstole another sweater for the winter. Even though she herself was nestled between her far warmer siblings, Maggie still felt chilled in her heart.
"Hey hey, Kids!" Krusty shouted as the end credits vanished. "That was some episode of Epic Drama Tortoises! Bet you think nothing could top that!"
"Except maybe getting waterboarded," Bart commented, prompting Lisa to snort and laugh.
"Bart!" Homer shouted without looking up from his chips. Marge simply murmured in disapproval.
"Well just wait until you see what I have lined up for you next! You see, a dear friend of mine passed away recently." Krusty's smile vanished as he began his tale. "He was a fellow clown who climbed the ranks of his circus until he became the Master of Ceremonies! When I went to visit him on his deathbed, he grabbed my hand, pulled me close and whispered, "Krusty, you are my most trusted friend this side of Bozo's giant shoes. I want you to carry on my legacy when I'm gone."
Just then, the scaly green tail of a giant reptile fell down near Krusty, dangling like a fleshy rope. Both the audience and the Simpsons on their couch gasped at the sudden arrival although Krusty seemed to have not taken any notice and continued. "Now I'm sure you're dying to know what exactly my friend left me. Well I-huh?" Krusty finally noticed the tail near his head and grabbed it absentmindedly. "What the hell is this?" He muttered to himself as he yanked on the tail. A shadow fell over Krusty and the clown looked up to something offscreen, his eyes growing wide and his mouth uttering a panicked scream as the giant python the tail belonged to fell on him. The cameraman lowered his shot to reveal Krusty struggling against the giant reptile.
"Holy shit!" Bart gasped. "Look at the size of that snake!"
"Is that a Burmese Python?" Lisa asked out loud, although she already knew for a fact it was.
"I wonder if that clown tastes funny." The Beast pondered and Lisa had to catch herself before telling her to shut the fuck up.
"Oh no!" Marge dropped her knitting supplies and covered her eyes, "I can't watch!" Homer noticed his wife's distraught demeanor and rushed over to her side, dropping the bag of chips in the process and shoving all three kids to the left of the couch as he squeezed in near Marge and held her close. "Don't worry baby. I'll do the watching for the both of us!" Marge said nothing but she buried herself in her husband's plump stomach. From the TV, the family could hear the disgusted and horrified cries of the audience as Krusty's gloved hand vanished into the writhing mass of scales.
"Oh, dear!" Sideshow Mel shouted into the camera in his usual overdramatic tone. "Is this the end of poor Krusty!?"
"Not on your life, Mel!" Krusty's voice suddenly called out from the snake. As Mel, the Simpsons and the audience watched in shock and awe, Krusty slowly lifted the python up from himself like a weightlifter. Even more impressive was the fact that somehow, while hidden behind the reptile's gigantic body, Krusty had swapped outfits and was now wearing a regal-looking ringmaster outfit, the overcoat red as blood and the undershirt and pants black as night. His hat was silver with a single red line around it.
"Whoa! Check out Krusty!" Bart exclaimed.
"He looks like Willy Wonka but badass!" Maggie added.
Lisa remained silent as she watched the televised event continue to unfold.
"That's right folks! From now on, Krusty isn't just the star of the Krusty Show!" He grabbed the python's tail and spun the poor beast like it was a lasso. This got a laugh out of the audience and most of the Simpson family but only served to horrify Lisa.
"He's spinning that poor snake around and around!" She cried.
"I know! It's hilarious!"
"That will teach you to tempt naked chicks with apples!" Homer shouted
Lisa groaned.
Back onscreen, Krusty hurled the "lasso" toward a lever on the other side of the stage. The python's head wrapped around the lever and pulled it down. The lights on the stage went dim and from the ceiling, balloons and confetti fell to the floor as circus music blared throughout the building. The giant curtain at the back of the room opened and a parade of circus performers and animals marched through. An elephant was led to the head of the stage where she got on her hind legs and trumpeted triumphantly, sending the already excited audience into a frenzy.
"He's also the ringmaster for the Burn's Imagination Circus of Dreams!" Krusty proclaimed.
"Burns!" Lisa thought with a shiver. "Nothing good could come from that horrible old man!"
"But it's a circus, Lisa!" Homer whined. "There's nothing evil about the circus!"
"Except for the way they abuse the animals under their care!" Lisa argued. "Did you not just see how Krusty used that snake as a lasso!?"
"Bwhahaha! I'm still reliving it in my head!" Bart had to wipe tears from his eyes from laughing so hard.
"Quiet everyone, Krusty's still talking!" Maggie shouted and pointed to the TV.
"Well be ready for action this summer but before that, we'll be performing an exhibition show at my good friend Richard Texan's Rattlesnake Roundup!"
"Rattlesnake what!?" Lisa gasped.
As if on cue, Richard rode in on a zebra in front of Krusty, waving his hat in the air and shouting "Yee Haw!" He placed the hat back on his head and said, "That's right folks! This Saturday, we'll be holding the first annual Springfield Rattlesnake Roundup at Springfield Central Park! They'll be food!"
"I'm in!" Homer shouted.
"Dancing! Games! Live entertainment including my painted-face friend over here!" He gestured to Krusty and at the end of the day, all the rattlesnakes you can skin! Yee Haw!" Richard took out both of his guns and fired them into the ceiling, causing pieces of plaster to fall down around him and spooking the animals.
"This is awesome!" Maggie shouted, "So awesome!..." She turned to Bart. "What's a rattlesnake roundup?"
"It's a festival where you catch and kill rattlesnakes," Bart explained. "It's like Whacking Day only with just rattlesnakes."
"Oh...what's Whacking Day?"
"Oh I remember Whacking Day!" Homer chimed in as he turned to Marge. "You remember the club, Marge? And how I asked if I should whack fast or slow?" He asked this question in a sultry voice and Marge couldn't help but giggle. "Oh I remember. You know, something about you with a club really turned me on." Both lovers giggled as they held each other close.
Bart gagged at his parent's affections but Maggie was elated. It seemed to her that at last, her parent's marriage was on the road to recovery and it was all thanks to the rattlesnake roundup. "Look Lisa, Mom and Dad aren't fighting anymore! Isn't that great?" Maggie waited for a response but none came. "Lisa?" She turned to see that her sister, wearing the frown to end all frowns on her face, was lost in thought.
"A circus AND a rattlesnake roundup? Boy, do we have our work cut out for us!"
"You said it," Lisa agreed under her breath, which unnerved Maggie as she thought the answer was meant for her.
"Ok." She replied fretfully before returning her attention back to her once again loving parents.
"The only question is," Lisa thought. "who's going first?"
(And with that, we begin the next arc! Who will Lisa come after first? Have Homer and Marge finally settled their dispute? Will the Beast ever learn to shut her trap? All these questions and more will be answered...whenever I write them out! These things take time you know!
Also, yes that was indeed a Jennifier's Body reference in the beginning. I saw the opptunity and I just couldn't help myself.
Thanks again to kittiesofcupcakes for the awesome new AV. It means a lot! Until next time, Chibi out!)