Chapter 14: The Rattlesnake Roundup Part 4
(Ok well here it is. The day of the Roundup as promised. There will still be some drama and buildup sadly but I promise it'll pay off in the gore department soon enough. In the meantime, enjoy some awkward conversations, ship teasing and a new face.)
Lisa watched as the blue car passed her window. She could tell it was Lenny and Chirsty's car as she had seen it many times; a dark blue Prius with a BABY ON BOARD sticker on the back. From what Lisa knew, the baby wasn't due for another few months but better prepared than not she supposed. She sighed as she slumped back into her seat and tried to turn her nose back to The Gunslinger (She was unable to find Salem's Lot and so decided to reread the Dark Towers series) She couldn't focus past Roland shooting up the village however which was strange considering how quiet and cheerful it was inside the car. Bart was playing on his Switch, Maggie was jamming out to a rock song in Japanese, no doubt a soundtrack from that anime she thought no one knew she was watching, and Homer was taking a first step in his life by practicing safe driving, Marge curled lovingly around his arm. It was a scene out of Lisa's most idealistic dreams of a happy family. She wanted so badly to enjoy this peace that just a few days ago, would have been laughably impossible to achieve. She wanted to oh so badly.
Too bad they were going to the Rattlesnake Roundup.
Even if Lisa hadn't intended to go and sabotage the event from the get-go, Marge made it clear she still would have dragged her daughter along. She saw a golden opportunity for family bonding in this roundup, never mind that its whole point of existence was to snuff out the lives of innocent rattlesnakes and spit on Lisa's respect for all animals great and small. Lisa didn't even bother trying to talk back. She did want to go, to save the snakes and send that bastard Richard Texan to the great Saloon in the Sky.
Unfortunately, as the family pulled into the makeshift parking lot, she still lacked an actual plan of attack.
She tried her hardest. She really did. But her brain and emotions were a hurricane raging inside of her, spinning violently around and around and tearing her apart from the inside. Visions of Nelson, Clementine, and even Issac all plagued her day after day and she could hardly sleep, let alone think of a way to get Richard alone so she could kill him. Even the Beast, with all her vicious words, was no match for Lisa's whirlwind of inner confusion. Even now as her father hunted for a spot to park, her head throbbed as if someone was pounding on the inside of it with a hammer.
She was so consumed by the pain that she nearly lurched out of her seat once her father parked the car, prompting her brother and sister to laugh. "Damn Lisa! I didn't you of all people would get that excited about the roundup!" Bart teased.
"Bite me!" Lisa snarled as she closed her book and undid her seatbelt.
"Now kids," Marge turned toward her children with her classic wagging finger. "We're here for two reasons and two reasons only. To have a good time and to make some family memories."
"Not to mention making a rattlesnake skin purse for my lady," Homer said with an attempt at a seductive growl. Nonetheless, Marge giggled hoarsely before locking lips with her man.
"I'm going to vomit." Lisa muttered to herself. Whether that feeling was from her father gleefully talking about skinning snakes alive right in front of her or his and his wife's PDA, she did not know nor care.
"I know what you mean," Bart gagged. No prize for guessing his reason for feeling sick.
"Well I just want to see Krusty live!" Maggie interjected as she removed her earphones. "I hope he swings a rattlesnake around like last time."
"That was a python, dumbass!" Bart, having closed his game. Wrapped an arm around Maggie and treated her to a vicious noogie.
"Y-You're a python!" Maggie retorted a giggle
Lisa sighed, her headache growing more painful by the second.
"Well let's not waste any more time!" Homer declared. "It's roundup time!"
One by one, the family left the car with Lisa, her head still throbbing, coming out last. She was wearing a tan shirt, light-blue shorts, and carried a backpack with everything she would need for her mission inside. No one in her family batted an eye at the backpack as Lisa was known for bringing her schoolwork with her. As they made their way toward the park, The Beast began to speak.
"Well isn't this just a lovely fucking day to spend with the family!?"
"Don't you even start! I tried, ok? I didn't see you come up with any bright ideas!"
"Excuses, excuses. You're just weak! That's all there is to it! And now we get all the work and none of the fun!"
"Look, I can't get to Richard now, not with eyes on him all over the place. For right now, let's focus on saving those rattlesnakes and I promise, when all's said and done, you'll get your pound of flesh."
"And how are we supposed to do that with Nurse Ratchet over there?"
As if right on cue, Marge spoke up. "Alright gang, I want this to be a family outing we'll never forget. That means no overeating or drinking, no touching any rattlesnakes until the roundup, and absolutely no wandering off on your own." She turned to her kids, "I want everyone together for Krusty's pre-roundup show!"
"Yes, Ma'am!" The Simpson siblings droned.
"How are we supposed to save your precious snakes if we can't even leave your family's side?
"We'll figure something out. I promise."
"Just like how you figured out how to kill the cowboy?"
Lisa groaned as she and her family entered the park. Over the course of the week, the park had been transformed into a bustling mess of wandering and commerce, with stands stretching as far as the eye could see. The once tranquil beauty of the park was replaced with shoddy signs and makeshift goods lined underneath them. The once quiet, peaceful air was now filled with the obnoxious roaring and hooting of guests looking forward to the upcoming skinning of reptiles. The once pleasant aroma of flowers and lake water was now replaced with the rancid stench of cooked animal flesh. One whiff was enough to make Lisa gag.
"Mmmm. Cooked animal flesh." Homer fell into one of his trademark drooling spells, saliva dropping off his tongue in drops like rainwater from a leaf.
"Oooh! Look at all the stands!" Marge awed. "Even the diaper-changing station is rattlesnake-themed.
She pointed to a changing station with a picture of a cartoonish baby rattlesnake above it. "No One Likes Rotten Egg Shells!" read the text underneath.
"Oh brother," Lisa cringed. "Can this day get any more uncomfortable?"
"Oh! Is that Lisa!? It is!"
Lisa turned around to see two familiar faces approaching her from the crowd. One was Allison Taylor, her childhood friend and fellow bookworm. She was wearing a green shirt with a single image of a tree on it and blue jeans. And the other,-
"Clementine." Lisa whispered.
The trumpet player was clad in a orange T-shirt that lacked sleeves of any kind. Her shorts, while not cut-offs, ended an inch above her knees, leaving a lot of her legs exposed. Her face had no makeup nor did it need it. She was beautiful and Lisa felt herself blushing at the sight of her, much to her personal horror.
"Well, would you look at that? You're girlfriend's here and she brought the third wheel! Maybe she's planning a three-way or something."
"Shut up!" Lisa gritted her teeth as she turned to her mother. "Mom, some of my friends are here. Can I-
"Alright!" Marge replied, not even trying to hide the agitation in her voice. "But remember the rule we discussed for this exact situation!"
"I know! I know!" Lisa sighed. "Up to three minutes talking with friends. I got it." Lisa walked off, feeling her mother's gaze burning upon her back. Part of her wished she and her father would get back to fighting so she would stop being so overbearing and the rest of her was terrified of the first part. Nonetheless, she shook it off and approached the girls. "Guys! This is a...surprise. What are you doing here?"
"I kinda got roped into helping with the beverage stand for school," Allison admitted before pulling out a water bottle from her back pocket. "On the plus side, they let you have as much bottled water as you can drink."
"My folks dragged me here because my younger cousins are over and they wanted to see Kusty live," Clementine added. "We're gonna leave before the actual roundup though." Clementine shot Lisa a doubtful look. "What about you? I thought you hated this place?"
Lisa was taken aback as she remembered Clementine telling her about her father buying the tickets but as she did not want to think about that day, she ignored it."Oh I do! Believe me! But my family forced me here as well. I guess Mom can't think of literally anything else for a family outing."
"Well that sucks." Allison placed a hand on Lisa and Clementine's shoulders. "Hey! Since we're here, why don't we check out Sanjay's Kwik-E-Mart stand and get some mini-Squishees!"
"Sorry but I can't," Lisa replied. "Mom only gave me three minutes to talk to friends. That's how badly she wants the family together."
"Yikes," Clementine commented. "Talk about overbearing."
Lisa shook her head even though she agreed with the statement. "She's fine, really. It's just been awhile since things have been this peaceful for our family."
"Lisa!" Marge called out. "Time's almost up!"
"Shit! Well I better go! Hope you guys scrounge up whatever fun you can find!" She turned back toward her mother.
"See ya, Lisa!" Allison turned as well. "Come on Clementine."
But Clementine did not move. She did not even seem to hear Allison. As Lisa turned to say she would see them back at school, she locked eyes with the trumpet player. That day at the park and what those brief fleeting moments really meant to them individually danced across their minds. A light blush appeared on both of their faces and with it, a twinge of sadness. Clementine opened her mouth to say something to Lisa but nothing came out. Lisa only became more distraught by this and ripped herself away from the unintentional staring contest and returned to her family's side. Then and only then, did Clementine respond to Allison. "Let's go."
Allison was taken aback by Clementine's sudden shift in demeanor. "Hey, are you ok?"
"I'm fine," Clementine responded quietly, looking at her own feet as she walked.
"You don't look fine." Allison challenged. "What happened back there between you and Lisa? There's something you're not telling me, isn't there?"
Clementine looked at Allison with tired eyes which shifted to her back end. "That water bottle you have sprung a leak." She pointed out.
"Huh?" Allison looked behind herself and gasped in horror at the large stain now covering the whole butt of her jeans. The nearly empty water bottle, having fallen out, lay behind her heel. "Shit!" Her face turning bright red, the embarrassed Allison covered the stain with both hands, looking around frantically to ensure no one was there. "Crap! And the one day I don't bring back-up pants!"
All the depressed Clementine could do in response was pinch her nose and sigh.
"Here you go, one draft Duff!" Moe said.
"Thanks!" The man said as he grabbed the handle and chugged half of the contents of the mug right in front of Moe. "I gotta be honest, I was afraid there wasn't going to be any booze here!"
"What? No booze at a fair? Now what kind of dystopian hellscape would that be?" Moe waved the man off. "Now go on and get! You're scaring away my other customers!"
The man left with a huge smile topped by a line of foam on his upper lip. Moe sighed with contentment as he wiped down the spot where the beer mug rested not long ago. It was a half hour from afternoon and Moe had spent the better part of this morning serving up Duff and the occasional "Moe Burger" Pretending to work behind him but really just moving stuff around were Legs and Louie, dressed in the same bartender getup as Moe. Every so often, one of the mobsters would shoot Moe a sideways glance to put the fear of God and Fat Tony in him and every time, it worked. Moe would break out in a nervous sweat and a fearful chuckle as he wiped his mugs.
Underneath the counter in front of Moe was a terrarium with a sleeping rattlesnake inside it. The reptile had gorged itself on bits of Moe's rat meat before curling up to sleep it off. It seemed to be dreaming as well as every so often, it would shake its rattle with a hiss. Moe couldn't help but find the display somewhat cute and wondered if perhaps, he should get himself a rattlesnake before the day was over. Not for a belt or soup but for a pet. He used to be a snake handler after all.
As Moe was pondering this, he felt another sideways stare from Louie as the mobster wiped the same spot on the counter over and over again and gulped. He wasn't 100% on actually getting a snake but one thing was for sure. Fat Tony and his lackeys were much scarier than any snake could hope to be!"
"Ahem, excuse me." A female voice spoke. "Do you serve booze here?"
Moe's fear turned to annoyance as he faced his newest customer. "What are you? Stupid? Can't you see..wha-wha-wha huh!?"
Moe was completely taken aback by the figure of beauty standing before him. A woman of Asian descent, most likely Chinese or Korean, with violet streaks within her black hair, done in an edgy-looking bob cut. For a few utterly exciting moments, Moe thought she was topless on account of the faded golden shirt she wore. Even when he realized this wasn't the case, his titillation remained as he noticed the shirt was only attached to her neck, leaving her arms and possibly even back exposed. ragged blue jeans snuggled her lower half while black combat boots adorned her feet. All in all, she was one hell of a looker as far as Moe was concerned.
And she was smiling at him with absolutely no trace of revulsion or disgust in her eyes.
"Oh uh, I mean yeah!" Moe redirected his words to be more welcoming, "We got Duff, Duff Zero, Duff Cherry if you want to be fruity."
"Actually, I was thinking along the lines of my favorite brand," She grabbed Moe by the tie and pulled his face close to hers. She whispered a single word in his ear in the most seductive voice Moe had ever heard. "Rattlesnake."
Moe trembled in excitement as she let him go. He could practically see her bite her lip as she said that word. The realization that he was still in the company of Fat Tony's goons made him force stop his infatuation with the mysterious girl and clear his throat. "Um, I don't think there's any brand called that. I should know, I've had all kinds of crazy brands back in my...Oooooh!" Moe's eyes widened as Fat Tony's words hit him like a truck. "You...You wouldn't.."
"I'm not one for names," The girl said as she looked over his nails. She rested her elbow on the counter before flashing a playful smile at Moe. "Most folks just call me Viper."
"Wha!?" Moe turned to Louie and Legs as if to get confirmation to the woman's identity. Legs was too busy on the grill chopping up rat meat but Louie silently nodded to Moe, confirming her to be the real deal. "Oh um," Yanking on his collar, he nervously grabbed the terrarium in front of him and removed the lid. "As a matter of fact, I think we do have some of the totally real beer brand you requested," Moe shouted as he grabbed the sleepy snake and placed it on the counter.
Viper's eyes lit up as she saw the reptile yawn itself back into consciousness. She reached into her pocket and pulled out a burlap sack which she then shoved the snake in. "I better get this booze back to my friends before sundown." She said as she reached into her back pocket and pulled out a handful of $500 dollar bills. She slammed the money on the table and Moe grabbed it hesitantly to count it. As he flipped through the bills, he felt a gentle finger caress his chin and realized it belonged to a giggling Viper who's gaze now held a tint of flirtation behind them. If it weren't for the fact that 90% of his blood was just stolen antifreeze, Moe was sure he'd be blushing like crazy.
"You know, I don't think I've seen your old mug with the Mafia before," She purred. "What's your name?"
"M-M-My name!?" Moe stammered, completely caught off guard by all the physical affection he was getting from the beautiful stranger. "M-M-Moe! Yeah, Moe Szyslak!"
"Szyslak huh?" Viper replied. "Sounds exotic. Will I be seeing you around?"
"O-Oh yeah! I work for Fat Tony's illegal pet trade now!" Both Louie and Legs shushed him at once, with the latter adding "Shut up, you idiot!" in a quiet but angry voice. Moe yanked his collar out of nervousness again and mentally prayed that he did not just sign his own death warrant with that remark.
Viper giggled quietly. "You're a riot!"
"I am?" Moe asked. "I-I mean I'm no stranger to causing riots, sure. But being one.."
"I'll see you around, Moe," Viper said with a wink before walking away. As she turned Moe was able to confirm his suspicion about her top lacking a back and his excitement grew. His eyes became glued to her exposed shoulder blades and the tattoo of a dragon displayed above her shapely behind. He had heard the expression, "Hate to see them leave but love to watch them go," before but only now as he watched Viper vanish into the crowd like a phantom did he fully comprehend what that expression meant.
"Wow," Moe sighed. "You know something? I think I'm in love."
"Eh, I'd be careful if I were you Moe," Louie warned. "Viper's just like one of them rattlesnakes they're killing later. She's beautiful sure but she's also extremely dangerous!"
"23 kills under her belt," Jonny added before returning his focus to the grill. He quickly turned around to say. "But you didn't hear that from me!"
"23 kills huh?" Moe looked thoughtfully at the money that was clenched in his fist. The money she had held before." "You know, I don't think I'd mind being number 24." He said dreamily.
Perhaps life under the Mafia's thumb would not be as bad as Moe thought.
"I'll take two strawberry aguas frescas and one coconut," Bart said.
"Coming right up." The man behind the stand said. With both their parents watching from the funnel cake stand, Homer in line, and Marge beside it, the Simpson siblings were waiting on their drinks. Both Bart and Lisa were getting fed up with their mother acting on helicopter mode but Maggie was none the wiser to their frustration.
"This is a load of bull," Bart muttered. "Does Mom have to monitor our every move like this?"
"This is the longest we've been on a family outing without someone ending up in jail in years." Lisa brought up. "But I agree. I wish she would just get off our backs." Suffice to say, Lisa was even more annoyed than Bart at her mother's overbearing antics. The longer she was kept with the family, the more likely those poor snakes would suffer a horrible fate. Not helping even a little was the Beast's rather drastic remarks.
"All I'm saying is that if you killed just for the thrill of it, you wouldn't be in this mess right now."
Lisa fought the urge to tell the Beast to shut it before the man in the stand called out, three round containers of refreshment in front of him.
"And remember, you can bring those back for a refill but only for this festival!" The man smiled, knowing damn well the chances of that happening were extremely low.
"I'll hold you to it." Bart said, none the wiser, as he grabbed the drinks and handed the coconut to Maggie. She gave Lisa her agua fresca and they headed back to their parents. Marge piped up upon noticing their return and waved wildly at them. Homer was next in line for his funnel cake and soon the family could move on to browse the rest of the festival.
A prospect that appealed the everyone but Lisa.
"Come on," She thought to herself as she sipped her fresca. "Think of something!" Try as she might, however, Lisa could not think of a solution to her dilemma. Her mind was too clouded with the stressful thoughts of Clementine and-
"Hey Bart!" A familiar voice called out.
"Oh no! Not him!" Lisa gulped and turned to see Nelson and Jessica approaching her and her siblings. Nelson was wearing a cowboy hat with boots, both of which were complimented by his vest. Jessica, quite out of place, was dressed in a regal purple dress with a sash over it. It read: RATTLESNAKE QUEEN.
Lisa now had to fight the urge to vomit.
"Sup man!" Bart and Nelson engaged in a complicated handshake that apparently required a lot of force. The sound of their hands hitting each other. could be heard throughout the festival.
At least to Maggie who turned to Lisa with pleading eyes as she didn't want to be caught in boring teen discussion.
"Go with Mom. We'll catch up." Lisa patted her younger sister's back as she ran off. Lisa watched her hug their mother who then sternly turned toward Bart and Lisa and pointed to her watch, reminding them of the limited time they had to catch up with friends. Lisa sighed as she nodded and turned back, only to find herself facing Nelson. Her cheeks began to burn and she found herself sucking up her fresca like a sponge.
"Hey Lis!" Nelson greeted. There was a twinge of red on his face as well but nowhere near as noticeable as Lisa's.
"H-Hey Nelson!" Lisa greeted once she was finally able to pry her own lips off the straw. "What brings you guys here?"
"Jessica here got vo-
"I got voted as Miss Rattlesnake for the Roundup Pageant!" Jessica beamed.
"There was a pageant?" Lisa asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Only the most popular kids knew about it," Jessica explained. "That way, no ugly people could enter."
"Well, you look stunning!" Bart complimented. He meant it as well. She was positively gorgeous, the purple fabric of her dress looking more like giant flower petals aching to take off and dance in the wind. Jessica always looked good in purple as far as Bart was concerned, even when they were kids.
"And she framed you for stealing the collection plate."
Bart shook his head. Where the hell did that sentence come from?
"I'm surprised to see you here Lis." Nelson commented. "I thought you hated things like this."
"Oh believe me. I do." Lisa muttered. "But Mom insisted we come here to spend some quality time together as a family."
Just then, the sound of Homer's pained screams filled the air and all four teens looked to see him fanning his tongue in a very cartoonish matter. In his hands was a funnel cake with steaming hot cherries on it.
"I told you to wait until the cherries cooled before taking a bite!" Marge scolded.
"I am the master of my own tongue!" Homer protested as he took another bite out of the funnel cake. "I can-YOWWW! THE CHERRIES! THEY BURN LIKE MAGMA FROM THE EARTH'S CORE! AAAH!" As Homer continued to wail in agony, Bart and Lisa both felt the sudden desire to sink into the ground and never come back up. The laughter their father's antics elicited from the surrounding crowd, including Jessica, certainly didn't help matters.
"Ah you Simpsons never change!" Jessica wiped a tear from her eye. "Come on babe. I want to wait somewhere nice and cool until the preroundup show."
"You got it," Nelson and Jessica walked through the Simpsons siblings, the latter accidentally knocking into Bart's fresca and causing it to spill over his shirt. "Hey!"
"Hey yourself!" Jessica snapped. "You could have stained my dress! Watch where you're going next time!"
Nelson almost repeated the same action but was able to move himself to the right before bumping into Lisa's drink. "Sorry about that."
"It's ok." Lisa brought the fresca to her lips for another drink, moving her gaze up toward Nelson's. The second eye contact was made, both blushed and looked away awkwardly. Bart was too concerned about his ruined shirt and lost drink to notice but Jessica did and a scowl powerful enough to mar her beauty appeared on her face. "I said come on, Nelson!" She practically barked as she stormed off with Nelson in tow.
"Smell you guys later!" Nelson quickly spat out as he was dragged away by his girlfriend and disappeared into the crowd. Lisa swallowed her drink and sighed heavily. "This day just keeps getting better and better." She muttered sarcastically.
"You're telling me!" Bart agreed as he walked toward the fresca stand and helped himself to one of the free napkins. As he wiped himself, he placed his empty cup on the counter. "Fill'er up please!"
The man running the stand seemed a little confused that someone was actually taking him up on the refill offer but a deal was a deal and so he took the cup and went to work. As he prepared Bart's drink, the only son of Homer and Marge Simpson began to contemplate what had just happened. "What the hell crawled up Jessica's ass lately? She's been in total bitch mode since Wednesday. Hell, she wouldn't even talk to me on Friday! Where the hell does she get off!?"
But as Bart tried to pin the blame on Jessica, as his thoughts sorted themselves out in one of his rare moments of clarity, he realized he had no right to act surprised. "Ah who am I kidding!? Jessica's always been rotten to the core. Always has and always will be. And I keep falling for her charms every damn time! Besides, she's not even my girl! She's Nelson's! What right do I have to be complaining like this?"
"Here you go!" The man plopped the newly refilled fresca in front of Bart, completely oblivious to his emotional turmoil. Bart grabbed it and took a sip.
"Still, what do I do about this whole mess? No one told me high school would be filled with romantic drama! This stinks!"
Bart turned to Lisa and called out "Hey Lis! Want a refill?...Lis!"
"Huh?" Lisa stammered. "Oh uh, sure!" She walked up to the counter and placed her nearly empty drink down on the counter. Her mind was also in turmoil of the romantic variety.
"He likes you, you know."
"Please shut up."
"You can see it in his eyes, Lisa. He wants you more than he could ever want that popular cheerleader. You're like the protagonist of a sappy romance novel."
"I've never really liked those novels. They send a bad message that you should change yourself for a man's attention."
"Maybe you should take their advice." The Beast joked.
"Fuck you."
"Hey! If it makes you feel any better. I'm not much a fan of those sappy stories either." The Beast purred. "I prefer horror stories. Speaking of which, when are we going to go save those snakes of yours?"
"I thought I told you we weren't gonna be able to kill Richard today. Why did you equate our mission with a horror story?"
"Because me not getting what I want is a horror story." The Beast whined.
"Well, in any case, you might as well calm yourself because I haven't figured that out yet." Lisa gave a sideways glance to her mother who was frantically pointing at her watch. "Mom's watching us like a hawk and we barely get three minutes to talk to friends. That doesn't give me a lot to work with."
"You could always kill her."
"Not funny." Lisa was brought back from her own mind by the sound of her fresca hitting the counter. She took a sip and allowed the refreshing sensation to calm her down a little. "I will say one good thing about this place, these frescas are super tasty! And they're vegan too!" She took another sip. "I can drink these forever!"
"Careful Einstien." The Beast warned. "You wouldn't want to piss yourself in public, now would you? Hahahaha!"
The Beast clearly intended for that comment to embarrass Lisa but as the Animal Avenger pondered at the fact that her delicious solace would eventually lead to a trip to the bathroom, an unconventional idea came to mind.
"That's it!" Lisa thought happily. "I know how we can save the rattlesnakes!"
"Ugh! How much longer is this gonna take? The heat's killing me!"
"Relax, will ya? We've only been in line for five minutes."
"That's five more minutes than we usually have to wait!"
Alex sighed in annoyance as Janey continued her griping. The two popular girls were waiting in line for some ice cream and churros and were still three people away from getting their treats. At school, the line would break apart upon the girl's entry so they could grab what they needed and leave. But this was only at school. This was only when Jessica was with them.
Jessica.
Just thinking about her last encounter with her so-called friend sent shivers down Alex's spine. She had never seen Jessica so angry before and she was certain she never wanted to incur that wrath again. She hadn't told Janey about it either and simply explained her absence from their usual lunch table as preparing for the prom next weekend, something she still didn't have a date for.
Janey was fairing no better. The incident with Clementine and the pig fetus had left her shaken to the core. She had nightmares about that damned carcass crawling out of her purse and calling her Mother. Of course, she had abandoned plans of outing Lisa and Nelson's meetup to Jessica out of fear. Even now, as she waited in line for a churro and ice cream, part of her was deathly afraid of bumping into that psycho. Even a public place like this festival did not feel safe enough for her and she wasn't sure if she ever would again.
Both girls sighed heavily.
"Up next!" The woman at the stand called out. Janey muttered "finally" as she and Alex walked up to the woman. "Two ice cream churros please."
"Sorry," The woman shook her head sadly. "We only have enough for one more."
"You're kidding!" Alex and Janey whined in unison.
"Sorry! We didn't expect the heat to climb so high!"
"Dammit!" Alex turned to Janey. "I suppose we can split it."
Janey shook her head. "No. You go ahead and have it. I'll just find something else to cool off with." With this, Janey sadly turned around and walked away.
"Janey," Alex heard something put down next to her and turned to see a white styrofoam cup filled to the brim with Vallina ice cream and two churros sticking out of it. Alex quickly paid for the treat and grabbed it as she ran after her friend. "Janey wait up!"
"I told you I'm fine!" Janey protested as she turned the corner. "I just need OOF!" She bumped into someone with enough force to knock the both of them back. Her nose crunched against her face and she held her hand over it with a pained groan. "Ouch! Hey! Watch where you're going...Milhouse?"
Sure enough, the other person still struggling to stay on his feet was in fact Milhouse Van Hounten. Not only was his nose bruised as well and his glasses cracked and bent from the impact but whatever messy snack he was holding in his arms was now smashed against this shirt. "Crap! I'm sorry Janey!" He cried as he tried to adjust his glasses, only for the lens on the left side to fall off and shatter on the floor. "Ohhh!" He pulled the white cup away from his chest, leaving a huge brownish-white stain. "I was too distracted envying the couples on the fairest wheel."
"Oh, Milhouse! I'm so sorry!" Janey reached into her purse and scrambled for some napkins. Part of her was afraid that she was going to find another pig fetus lying around in there but logic won out and she continued to search around until she found what she was looking for. She licked the napkins a little and started wiping Milhouse's shirt. "I didn't see you there."
"Oh um..." Milhouse was taken aback, to say the least. When bumping hard into one of the most popular girls in school, the last thing he expected was for her to apologize and clean him up. He opened his mouth to say something but no words escaped. Instead, he just stood there like a statue as Alex ran onto the scene.
"Oh shit!" Alex cried, almost out of breath with how fast she ran. "Are you guys alright?"
"We're fine," Janey answered, her gaze still focused on Milhouse's ruined shirt. "Just a little accident is all."
"It..It's my fault." Milhouse finally managed to spit out. "I should have watched where I was going."
Almost...almost...there!" Janey finished off as she pulled her napkin away. There was still a big wet spot on Milhouse's shirt but the brownish-white stain was gone and with the Sun blazing the way it was, the spot was sure to dry in no time at all. "All done!"
"T-Thanks Janey!" Milhouse said gleefully. "I spent the last of my festival money on this ice cream churro combo!"
"Ice cream churro!?" Alex asked. "Where'd you get it is you don't mind me asking?"
"Over there at the white stand," Milhouse pointed to the stand where the girl had just stood in line at, causing them both to groan. "What's the matter?"
"That place ran out of ice cream churros." Alex explained. "I got the last one."
"Oh!" It didn't take long for Milhouse to realize Janey had been screwed over by a lack of resources and foresight and without any hesitation, presented his bowl to her. "Here! You can have mine!"
"Oh Thank Milhouse," Janey replied. "But you keep it. You paid for it."
"But you cleaned up my shirt and didn't even punch me when I bumped into you! It's the least I can do!"
Alex studied the ice cream in Milhouse's hand and realized just how much was in the bowl. With a smile, she walked up to Janey and handed her the spoon she was given for her own ice cream. "Here's an idea. Why don't you both share the ice cream?"
"Share?" Janey said uneasily. "But what about you? How are you gonna eat yours without a spoon?"
"I'm sure one of these stands has got to have a spare spoon somewhere," Alex reassured her friend as she patted her back and nudged her closer to Milhouse. "Now go on! Eat! I'll see you guys in just a sec." She finished that last sentence with a wink and Janey blushed as she realized just what Alex was doing.
"Alex, wait!" Janey tried to call out. But Alex had already vanished into the crowd in her quest for a spoon, leaving the flustered Janey with her unconventional crush. At first, she was apprehensive, thinking of the stern verbal beatdown she was going to give Alex once she finally came back. But then, as she stared at Milhouse innocently eating some of the ice cream, she realized that perhaps, Alex had just done her a huge favor after all. "So Milhouse," She asked as she helped herself to a spoonful of slightly melted ice cream. "Any plans after this ice cream?"
"I was thinking of going to that big circus show Krusty's putting on." Milhouse answered. "I hope Richard Texan rides the zebras again!"
"So do I, Milhouse," Janey said dreamily. "So do I."
"Damn! I thought for sure the chunky soup stand would have some spare spoons." Alex looked miserably at her rapidly melting ice cream. "If I don't find a spoon soon, I'm gonna have to eat out of this bowl like a dog!" She was so concentrated on her melting dairy treat that she failed to notice she was walking near a group of portable toilets or that someone was coming out of the first one in front of her. "Oh shit!"
"Gah!" Both parties backed away mere moments before hitting each other. Alex was able to prevent herself from repeating Milhouse's mistake and kept her ice cream above her head. The other person, Bart Simpson, looked like a dear in caught in headlights. There was a huge wet spot on his shirt and a trail of toilet paper stuck to the bottom of his left foot. "Oh. It's you Alex."
"Bart," Alex spoke in a quiet voice as the unpleasant memory of last Wednesday crossed her mind. "W-What brings you here?"
Bart raised an eyebrow in confusion. "You mean why am I here at the festival or here at the Port-A-Potties?"
"Both! Neither. I don't know." Alex grumbled.
"Well my folks brought me out here for a family outing and I spilled some agua fresca on my shirt so I just wanted to clean it off before Krusty's show." Bart intentionally refrained from mentioning it was Jessica Lovejoy's fault that his shirt was dirtied in the first place.
"Oh I see," Alex said as she looked at Bart's chest. Something about the stain reminded her of the continent of Africa and she felt weirded out. Why did she always see continents in food and drink stains!? "Well I'm sorry that happened to you."
"It's alright," Bart happened to glance down at the ice cream bowl Alex had in her hands. "Hey, doesn't that ice cream usually come with a spoon?"
"I had to lend my spoon to Janey because she lost hers," Alex explained in a half-truth. "I was just looking for one actually."
"Oh. Well why didn't you say so?" Bart reached into his pocket and pulled out a spoon which he handed to her nonchalantly. "Here you go!"
"Ummm...thanks?" Alex took the spoon, examined it for a little bit and dipped it into her ice cream once she had dubbed it clean enough. "Um, why did you just have a spoon on you?"
Bart shrugged. "Just one of the many perks of being the son of Homer Simpson."
"Right," Alex nodded. She knew of Homer Simpson, everyone in Springfield had by this point. Local buffoon. Always getting himself into trouble and sometimes dragging his family along in the process. A big eater if she recalled hence the spoon in Bart's pocket. She knew he was Homer's son and Lisa his daughter but sometimes it was quite hard to believe with how different they turned out.
A moment of awkward silence followed.
"Well, I better get going." Bart pointed behind himself. "Mom really doesn't want any of us separated."
"Oh yeah!" Alex said. "I better get back with Janey." She wondered how far her conversation with Milhouse had gone and almost felt guilty for planning to ruin it with her arrival.
"Smell you later." Bart started walking away. Alex turned to leave as well but she...simply couldn't. Try as she might to keep them away, the events of last Wednesday continued to plague her mind. Bart and Jessica talking. Her nearly being discovered only for Jessica to find out and threaten her anyway. She wondered if she treated poor Bart that way. If she treated Nelson that way. She tried to take a step in the opposite direction from Bart, tried to leave him to his own devices but her foot sank back into place as she called out "Wait!"
Bart swung around dumbly. "Hmm?"
"Listen...I...I..." Alex felt her courage waver and lowered her gaze to the ground beneath her feet. "Should I be doing this? Is this really the right thing to do? What if Bart freaks!?" Alex never really got to know Bart himself that well aside from him being the so-called King of the Pranksters and a rebel without a cause. What if his rebellious personality came with a violent streak, one even worse than Jessica's?
"Umm, Alex? Hello?"
"I...I..."
"Look, I really gotta get going or Mom's gonna have my balls. Whatever it is you're trying to say, you can spit it out at school. Aidaos!" Bart turned to leave again, only to be stopped in his tracks by Alex shouting, "You have to stop seeing Jessica!"
The air carried Alex's words in all directions. The two teens could practically feel it reverberate upon the stands and other festival patrons who thankfully seemed too caught up in their own merriment to really pay attention. Nonetheless, Alex felt her face heat up as Bart's stomach dropped. Only a few seconds of deafening silence would pass before Bart broke it but to the both of them, it felt like 1,000 years.
"W-What did you say?"
"I-I saw you two on Wednesday!" Alex confessed. "You and Jessica."
Bart's heart nearly stopped as he realized Alex was the mysterious voice from that day, the one that had unintentionally revealed an uglier side of Jessica Lovejoy to him.
"Look, I don't fully know what's going on or if Jessica's planning to use you for something or not but I know whatever you two got going is only going to end in disaster! I'm telling you this for you're own good Bart Simpson! Stay away from Jessica!"
Another agonizing silence befell the two teens. Alex felt as if she was going to melt from the sheer amount of fear she felt at that moment. Regret didn't even begin to cover it "What have I done? He's gonna kill me for sure! And if he doesn't, Jessica will!" She braced herself for Bart's reaction, however violent it may be.
"I...see..." He replied in a calm, almost monotone voice, his face screwed up as if he concentrated on something. Once it fixed itself, he continued speaking in a more normal tone. "You're absolutely right Alex."
"I...I am?"
Bart nodded. "What was I thinking? Jessica's my best friend's girlfriend! I should break it off." He started walking away, only turning back to say, "Thanks! And don't worry! I won't tell her it was you spying on us the other day."
"Oh! Um...okay!" Alex mumbled. Part of her wanted to tell Bart that Jessica was already fully aware of that fact but she kept it to herself. For right now, at least, it seemed that she had made the right call for once this week Breathing a sigh of relief, she walked back toward the area where she had left Janey, completely forgetting about the melted ice cream in her hand and the spoon she had just been gifted
Little did Alex know that all she really accomplished was pushing a preexisting thought through Bart's brain. Giving in the final piece in the puzzle of his dilemma that allowed him to fully make up his mind.
"It's official." He said to himself as he made his way back to his family. "For my sake and Nelson's, I have to break it off with Jessica!"
It was an hour and a half before he was to go on stage and Krusty was a nervous wreck. The clown, dressed in his ringmaster garb, paced back and forth endlessly, gnawing on his fingernails like a beaver through wood. Despite the fact that his hands were still clad in their trademark white gloves, trails of fingernails gushed forth from his gnashing jaws and onto the floor. After a few minutes of this, the last of the fingernails fell to the floor but Krusty wasn't done yet.
"Crap! I need to open another pack!"
Krusty rushed to his prop trunk, took out a box of his patented Krusty's Gag Fingernails, and tore off the top. He hastily put ten of the little faux nails on the tips of her fingers, put the box back, and resumed his frantic chewing. "Why do I get the feeling all my acts will be less funny than this?"
"Yee-Haw!" Richard Texan cried as he barged into the makeshift dressing room, guns literally blazing. "It's almost showtime Krusty! Are you ready to give these people the rootinest, tootinest show of all time!?"
Krusty's only reaction to Richard's words was to fall to his knees and burst into tears.
"Hey hey!" Richard placed his guns back to his holsters and waddled toward Krusty. "What's with the waterworks, Krusty? Are them ninjas running around cutting onions again?" Richard's fist shook with anger at the memory of the kunoichi that terrorized him and his fellow showmen back in Texas a few years back. "Why those damn sexy ninjas! Oh, how I hate them!"
"Oh, Richard! I can't do it! I can't go through with the show!" Krusty cried.
"What!? And just why in tarnation can't ya?"
"Don't you see!? I'm washed up! Old news! I'll find some way to muck it up! I just know it! I always muck it up!" Krusty wailed and pulled a red handkerchief out of his breath pocket. Of course, given that he was a clown, it was tied to several other cloths of multiple colors, although only the first one was dampened by his tears. My father, God rest his soul, was right! I'm no comedian! I'm just a joke and a bad one at that!"
Krusty blew his nose into the red handkerchief only for it to be slapped out of his hand by Richard. "Ow! What's the big idea!?"
"Krusty, you damn fool! Don't you remember what it was like when you first performed for an audience?"
"Uh...not really." Krusty admitted. "Decades of drug abuse have all but wiped my memory from those days."
Richard shook his head and draped an arm over Krusty's shoulder. "Krusty, the way I see it, every entertainer has a spark, a little piece of their soul that shines when they do what they do best. For musicians, it's when they sing! For actors, it's when they act, and for clowns like you," He patted Krusty on the chest. "It's when they make the whole world forget their troubles with laughter and delight." Richard walked Krusty over to the only mirror in the room. There was a large crack on the top left side but otherwise, it was in fine condition. Richard carefully gripped Krusty's face between his thumb and index finger and lifted it up so that the clown could see his reflection. "You were once Krusty the Clown, the greatest entertainer in the world and you may have mucked that up but that spark, that part of you that shone whenever you were up on stage, that's still inside ya! Now the time has come to let it out again."
Krusty sniffled as he fully took himself in. His red overcoat, black pants, and silver hat gave him an almost regal look. He tried to recall if earliest memories of his days as a performer but he was not lying about the drugs taking their toll on his brain. One thing he was certain of was that he was, down to his very core, an entertainer and now was the time to take it to the next level. "Thanks Richard. I needed that."
"We all could use a pep talk from a nonromantic partner every now and then!" Richard exclaimed, happy to see that Krusty was cheered up. "Now you get ready for the show! I gotta go take care of the final preparations for the roundup. Those snakes aren't gonna defang themselves after all." Richard tipped his hat and walked out of the room, leaving Krusty alone to stand before the mirror and practice the stance he would greet the audience with.
This was to be a show no one could forget.
"Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy!" Maggie hopped in her seat again and again in excitement.
"Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy!" Homer did the same, although his hopping caused the entire bleachers to tremble
It was high noon and in just a few minutes, Krusty's circus would perform its very first exposition show. The bleachers were packed with men, women and children of all ages, most of whom wore wide smiles on their faces. Sitting before the patrons was a grand stage with a giant red curtain displaying Krusty's face. Large speakers boomed triumphant circus music throughout the area, thrilling the crowd even more in anticipation of the show. Every single soul seated anxiously waited for the curtains to open wide and the show to begin.
Every soul except for Lisa Simpson who was instead shifting around in her seat for a completely different reason.
"Lisa," Marge asked. "Are you alright?"
Lisa shook her head, a slight tint of red on her cheeks. "This is kind of embarrassing but I think I drank too many agua frescas. Can I please go to the bathroom?"
Marge murmured in annoyance. "The show's about to start!"
"Please, Mom! It'll only take a second!" Lisa's voice sounded strained as she said this and Marge sighed as she realized her daughter was being completely truthful. Of all times for Lisa to finally pick up her father's harmful eating habits. "Ok but make it quick!"
"Thanks, Mom!" Lisa got up, jumped over Bart's outstretched leg, and rushed out of the bleachers.
"Drat!" Bart thought as he took another sip of his agua fresca. Since he relieved himself earlier prior to bumping into Alex, he didn't have the same urgency as Lisa. As he waited for the show to begin, however, he couldn't help but ponder his sister's true intentions. "Lisa's usually a lot more careful about what she puts in her body. I bet she drank all that crap on purpose just to miss the show. Mom's not gonna be happy about that."
As Bart debated to himself whether or not to rat out his sister, he heard a pair of familiar voices below him. Looking down, he saw the top of Nelson Muntz and Jessica Lovejoy's heads bobbing together on the bottom bench. Jessica was nestling against Nelson's chest as always but aside from that, Bart could hardly make out anything they were doing due to so many other heads in the way. Alex's words returned with a vengeance in his head and as he sipped the last of the agua fresca in his hand, he made a decision.
"The first chance I get, I'm going down there and breaking things off with Jessica." He thought. "There's no way she'd make a scene in a public place like this. Heh. I'm so smart!" Bart went to take another sip of his drink, only for the fruity taste of air in his mouth to remind him that he had just finished it. "D'oh!"
"Awww!" Lisa sighed blissfully as she walked out of the portable toilet. "I needed that!"
"Better be careful what you say out loud," The Beast warned. "One might assume you just met some other type of need."
"Get your mind out of the gutter will ya!" Lisa whispered. Her voice was defiant but her pink cheeks betrayed her embarrassment.
"I'm only teasing." The Beast assured her. "In all honesty, I must commend you for your unconventional plan. I guess you really do have a good head on your shoulders."
"Please! I'm Lisa Simpson! Of course, I have a good head on my shoulders."
"So, have you used it to deduce where those snakes are being kept?"
"Not entirely but I have a pretty damn good hunch." As Lisa said this, she found herself standing before the sheriff's office, its giant shadow cast over her like an eclipse. From inside her head, the Beast chuckled in anticipation and Lisa found herself smiling as all worries of Nelson, Clementine and everything else vanished from her thoughts, leaving behind only her desire to see these serpents free and their captor dead. "Let's move!"
(I promise there will be gore in the next chapter. As well as some more badly-written angst.)