It's been about 3 hours since we've arrived back in South Park and this is the tenth game Kyle and I have played since we got home. We've been playing 2k ever since we dropped our bags on my bedroom floor. This round finally ends and just before I can start up another game Kyle turns to me.
"I think we should turn in for the night Stan."
"Don't want to take another beating?" I tease.
"Ha, as funny as you think you are right now, I only let you win that round because I'm ready to turn in now. That nap on the bus didn't do me justice," he says as he stretches.
Avoiding eye-contact with Kyle I stand. "We can just play another game we don't have to play-" I start as I begin to put in grand theft auto.
"No, no more games," Kyle cuts in in-between yawns. At that all I can do is just stand there and think about what to do next because I know for a fact that sleep is nowhere in the equation for me tonight. I know that if I actually allow myself to sleep next to Kyle I'll never be able to do what I plan to.
I'm taking a big risk and from how urgent Damien sounded I know Shelly's in real danger and I have to do something about it.
"Stan," Kyle calls and I silently sigh, letting my shoulders sag a bit out of exhaustion. I finally face Kyle and he just stares at me in slight concern. "Are you okay?" I nod silently barely even hearing his question considering that I'm more focused on the soft glow of my bedroom lamps illuminating his face. He's wrapped in his soft cashmere blanket and his features look so delicate right now. He stands and heads to the bathroom a moment later and I follow.
We go through our regular night routine before bed which consists of talking about meaningless things such as our upcoming sports activities, and new classes. We even make funny faces at each other in the mirror as we brush our teeth as usual with the goal of making the other spit their toothpaste out in laughter. And Kyle wins that battle. We finish and throw our clothes in the hamper before heading back into the room. I hide my hesitation as I lie down on my bed and stare at the ceiling for a moment until I feel Kyle tug my arm.
"Why are you so far away?" He whispers and I move closer. "You sure you're okay Stan?"
"Yeah, I'm fine Kyle."
"Swear?"
"Swear," I reply and hold out my pinkie and his plump lips quirk up a little on the sides in a small smile.
"I'm so not going easy on you in the morning." My chuckle is cut short as his lips find mines. We kiss and I don't pull away until Kyle's asleep.
I lay in bed for awhile just wanting to pretend if only for a second that this was a normal night and I didn't have these swirling thoughts in my head. Just to see Kyle's peaceful face and the slight pout on his pink lips as his body slowly rises and fall. And like many nights before I wonder what he's dreaming about, and if it's about a past memory or a random dream of anything. I wonder if he dreams about me like I dream about him. I wonder…
With a tired sigh I reluctantly untangle myself from Kyle and slip out of bed. I quietly empty my duffle of old clothes and stuff new one's inside along with my backup charger. I redress in a pair of black jeans and matching sweater and boots before slowly opening my desk drawer and pulling out my notepad that I sometimes use to write down random lyrics and prepare to write something I never really wanted to write.
With a sigh I sit on the edge of my desk chair and begin to write, hoping that the words are making sense or as much sense as I can at this moment considering what I'm about to do. When I'm done I stare at the paper and all the words begin to blur, but snapping out of my thoughts I sit the pen down and stand up straight from my hunched position.
Walking over to the left side of the bed I kneel next to Kyle's sleeping frame and stare at how peaceful he looks. Its funny how even though I hated him so much its moments like these that would replay in my brain that killed me the most. How close we were and the memories of how he used to smile at me or the times we would argue and the next moment be a pile of tangled limbs in bed would leave me sobbing on my bathroom floor some nights. Although, even that felt nothing like the hammer against my heart as I kiss his pale cheek before grabbing my duffle and leaving, shutting the door as quietly as I can behind me.
I enter my parent's room and sit on the edge of their bed for a moment remembering all of the memories of me and Shelly surprising mom and dad with ruined breakfasts and jumping for joy on their bed on Christmas mornings as kids.
I look at my mom's face and can see how tired she is from working herself thin lately and it must be because dad still hasn't came home. Maybe she's just coping with his absence in her own way. Even as I think of him out somewhere in Denver doing whatever I still can't find it in me to hate him. I dislike what he's doing because it's adding unnecessary stress upon my mom, but...I can't hate him. I kiss my mom's forehead and as I pull away I feel her grab my forearm.
"Stanley?" She asks as she blinks her sleep deprived eyes rapidly. "When did you get back?"
"A little while ago mom."
"How was the trip? Is Kyle with you?" She asks and I can't stop the edges of my lips quirking up at her concern for Kyle.
"It was good mom, we had fun and yes, he's sleeping."
"Okay, well what are you doing?"
"I'm about to take Sparky and Rover out for a quick walk, they were scratching at the door earlier."
"Oh, okay, don't take too long and make sure you take a jacket it's cold."
"I will... and thanks mom."
She smiles a bit and rubs her palm against my cold cheek. "What for? Honey you're cold, you sure you don't just want them to use the doggy mats downstairs?"
"No, I'm sure, I'll be okay. And for everything you did and still do a lot for me and Shelly and still make it possible to do things that you want. It's...I'm grateful. I just wanted you to know that I love you mom."
"I love you too Stanley. And I do this-all of this because of you and Shelly. Without you guys I don't know what or where I would be. I just want to show you both that you have options, that you can at any stage do what you want. Don't forget it honey." She pinches my cheek a little just like she always does and I stand up as she bundles backup in bed and exit the room.
As I travel downstairs and towards the front door I notice Sparky and Rover asleep on their doggy beds and rub my hand on their heads and back with whispered promises of returning. Sparky wags his tail and if I wasn't sure he was asleep I would've sworn he heard me.
I stand in the living room and with a final glance around I leave home and enter my car, throwing my bag in my backseat. I make the gut wrenching decision to turn off my phone before pulling out of the driveway. Having ordered a ticket on the bus ride home earlier I head to the airport.
As I pass by all the familiar sights I pray that it isn't be the last time I see these places again. It's so quiet considering that the whole of South Park is sleeping right now, it's eerie, but peaceful.
I wake with a start. I sit up in bed and my heart feel as though it is beating out of my chest. I calm my breathing and look around the room. I rub my eyes before ghosting my hands across the soft and cold... bed sheets. "Stan?"
I face the right side of the bed in hopes of seeing the brunet boy only to notice that he's not there. I lean over to grab my phone off of the night stand and check the time. Its 11:32 am and I'm surprised that Stan is actually up before me, he's usually a late sleeper. I yawn and decide to go through my morning routine while simultaneously checking my messages, Twitter, and Instagram.
After showering I wrap the plush towel around my waist and head back to Stan's room and I check my phone and notice that its been at least twenty minutes and still no sign of Stan. I quickly dress and make up the bed and as I open my messenger app on my phone to see if Stan said anything I hear soft scratches on the door.
Opening the door I'm met with Sparky and Rover, they surround my legs and look up at me before going back out the door and I follow them surprised that Stan hasn't fed them yet. I follow them downstairs, and spot them sitting at the front door. I make little conversation as usual knowing damn well they can't answer me back as I pour them fresh water and food.
I call them into the kitchen and after a few minutes I walk back towards the front door and notice that they haven't moved at all. I bend down and rub their ears. "Hey, are you guys okay? You're food is ready." I continue to rub their head and back and eventually they move to the kitchen.
Making sure that Rover and Sparky are eating I go back upstairs and lay back on the bed and stare up at ceiling. At the sound of the bedroom door being pushed open I sit up with a smirk that instantly fades as I spot the person at the door. "Hi, sweetheart, I'm about to head out for the day. Is Stanley around?"
"Hi Sharon, and no, I haven't seen him…" I reply trying not to let my disappointment seep into my words. Where the hell is Stan anyway?
"That's odd, I thought for sure he would still be asleep, considering that he did go to bed late last night."
"Late?"
"Yes, he said he was taking Sparky and Rover out for a walk and that had to be around 3 am." 3 am? What was Stan doing up at 3 am? "Is everything alright dear?" Mrs. Marsh asks snapping me out of my dumbfounded state.
"Yes," I reply and I'm surprised that I sound so composed, but I really shouldn't be considering that I'm practically a pro at pretending to be perfectly fine when my life is falling the fuck apart. "I think he went to go get gas for his car actually."
"Okay, well, if you need anything don't hesitate to call me, Brad or Darren. I will also sit out the doggy pads for Sparky and Rover just in case, okay. See you later, hun," She says not even asking if I'll be staying over any longer considering that I practically live here.
"See you Mrs. Mar-" She gives me a knowing look. "See you Sharon," I rephrase and she just smiles before taking her leave. It was honestly a surprise at first when Mrs. Marsh told me that I could officially call her by her first name. She reassured me that it was only right that I did considering how long me and Stan have been best friends despite our hiatus and because of how close our families are.
I remember squeezing Stan's hand a little too hard as I tried to hide my excitement. Funny how foreign that emotion feels to me now as I wave Sharon bye and Stan's bedroom door closes shut. I don't move until I hear the front door shut and immediately stand and begin to pace without really going far. I check my phone again to see if there are any new messages from Stan and there isn't any.
As I'm pacing I almost trip over a discarded paper ball. I pick up the discarded ball to dispose of it in the bin next to Stan's desk and what I spot placed on the desk forces me to pause. Quickly I pick up the note and as my eyes flit across the front and back of the item I can't help, but feel confused. However, that doesn't last long as I sit the letter down with steely hands and glare at the words.
My confusion is soon replaced with anger. Boiling hot anger. Although, it's more than that as I place my hands firmly on the desk in front of me. I feel like I've tapped into that one place I swore I would never go back to. I slam my fist on the desk and the loud banging doesn't even register. Before straightening my hunched over form I wipe my nose with the base of my forefinger and thumb and ignore the small sniffle that follows, my jaw set tight.
I have to get out of here. I have to get out of here. I have to get out of here. That's all I can think as I stuff that damn note in my pocket along with my phone and grab my duffle. I swallow hard as I walk downstairs and out of the door and without stopping I run to my house.
I bang my fist against the door not bothering to ring the doorbell and Ike answers.
"Hey, I knew you guys got back today," I don't have time to respond my mind too clutter with thoughts of go, go, go, but Ike doesn't seem to take offense.
"So, ma and dad just left, they said something about a school board meeting," Ike continues as he follows me upstairs and now stands in my bedroom doorway and watches me swap my old clothes in my duffle for new ones and grab my keys. I finally pause as I feel Ike's presence next to me.
"Kyle, where are you going?" He finally asks. I don't move and I can't bring myself to face Ike as I feel his eyes bore holes in my head. "Come on, Kyle. What's going on? It's like you never tell me anything, I'm not just some kid okay! I'm not. And I wish you stop treating me like I'm some fragile item or that I'll crack at the slightest bit of-" Ike says sounding on the verge of hysterical, his voice rising in octaves.
"If I tell you...you can't tell anyone."
"I-I won't," Ike replies clearly surprised at my response.
"Swear it to me."
"Swear."
"I'm-" I clear my throat to try to get rid of the lump in my throat to no avail. "I am about to do something crazy and I don't want you or anyone else getting involved."
"Well, why not?" He asks and I can tell that it's taking a lot out of him to conceal his shock.
"It's Stan... he's gone and I have to be there for him." I hand Ike the note I didn't realize that I had been clutching in my palms.
As Ike quickly reads the note he makes a choked sound. "He went to save Shelly?"
"Yes, and as idiotic as I think he is right now I need to be there." I move pass Ike only for him to stand in my way.
"To do what exactly?" Ike asks incredulously.
"To be there, to help him on to possibly save him."
"But what about you?"
"What about me?"
"Kyle," Ike starts entirely too seriously for me to handle right now. "If Stan's right about someone being out for Shelly...these guys want to actually kill Shelly. Who's to say that they won't kill you and Stan in the process?"
"I-" I stop short not really knowing how to continue.
"Look, Kyle we could just go to the police, we can go to someone, we-" Ike tries to reason as he grabs the front of my coat with amazing strength and stares me in the eyes with electric blue irises as he begs me to stop what I'm about to do. What I'm willing to do.
"I have to," Is all I say.
"No, no, no! There has-there has to be another way!" He's hysterical and is not processing the fact that I can't just sit here and not do anything. The look in his eyes as I stare back is heartbreaking. "We-" He continues, but I stop him.
"There is no we. You're staying here. You hear me, I won't have you running after me," I demand of him and he just stares at me with hurt in his red rimmed eyes at the feeling of helplessness at not knowing what to do about this situation, he doesn't know what words to say to stop me and there isn't any.
His lips quiver having failed in keeping his emotions in tact and I envelope him in my arms as he breaks into tears, his harsh cries echoing in my ears.
"Don't-Kyle-you can't go alone. D-don't go alone," he says and I can see that it's taking all of him to try to stand firm on this.
"I can't ask anyone to do this with me, Ike this is too much."
"Please, Kyle, for my sake."
Tears steadily pour from his eyes and as I stare at Ike my heart aches brutally as I watch him become so broken up about this, but what did I expect?
This is possibly a suicide mission. "Fine, I won't." I hug Ike again and force myself to let go as I gather my things. "I'll keep in contact. Thank you Ike, for being here even when I don't deserve it, even when I'm being...me. You've always been there."
"That's what brothers do. Just promise me you'll be back, it will suck to-" He doesn't finish his sentence and I can tell he's trying his hardest not to get choked up again and hold his composure even for just this moment.
"I promise."
I exit my bedroom and close the door behind me and as I walk down the hallway and down the steps I've traveled down countless times with a heavy heart, pretending that I don't hear Ike's screams of anguish.
As I open my front door I come face to face with Kenny, his hand raised as if he was about to knock. We stare at each other for a moment and I quickly break it not having the time or enough energy to expend to even ask what he wants.
"Hey, Kyle," he calls as I quickly pop my trunk and throw my things in. "Kyle," he continues to call catching up to me.
"What?" I ask coolly and I can't even muster enough strength to yell at him as I focus on my task at hand.
"What's going on?" He asks and I don't spare him a glance before moving to the drivers side of my car, but stop as I feel Kenny's hand on my arm. I quickly pull away as if his touch of his cold fingers burned, but his blue irises are unrelenting.
(*)
Kyle gives me a long withering stare and just when I thought he would lash out and punch me in the nose he wordlessly shoves a folded up note paper at me. As I open the note I can hear Kyle unlocking his car and my eyes widen and my heart kicks into fucking overdrive as I read the letter from Stan.
Kyle,
I really don't know what to say or rather how to say this...and because I know you hate it when I beat around the bush or delay things I'll just say it. I'm going to California to save Shelly. Last night Damien warned me that Shelly was in danger and I can't just sit here knowing that she could possibly be in some sort of danger or on the verge of dying right now. I know it sounds stupid, I know I haven't had much time to plan for all this, and as I write this letter I'm running purely off adrenaline.
I can't go to any authorities and I have faith that you trust in me enough to not hate me too much for my decision. I don't want you to come after me. I know that's stupid of me to ask after telling you all this, but I believe you at least deserve an explanation for my disappearance. This is my problem to deal with and despite wanting to promise you that I would return I rather not give you false hope in case… just know that I really, really fucking-"
The words are smudged after this point and are indecipherable. At the sound of a car starting up I run over to Kyle's passenger side.
"Open up."
"Move Ken," Kyle says without looking at me, his knuckles turning pale from how hard he's gripping his steering wheel.
"No, I'm not leavin'! "
"Just move out of the fucking way Ken!" Kyle screams and it even causes me to falter and hesitate for once, completely unsure of how to approach Kyle or what he might do in this state.
"Please Kyle, please just let me help. You can't expect me to read something like that and not do anything about it!" My chest is aching as my voice grows louder and louder, my emotions tensing up in my chest.
"Stan is my best friend too! I love him too, you know?!" I scream and Kyle's jaw tenses, but a moment later I hear the door unlock and I barely make it inside before Kyle's backing out of his driveway and I instantly scrape my brain for some sort of plan.
Fuck, what have we gotten ourselves into now?