This document Beta'd by The Evil Within
Chapter 6: Maid to Order
I'm not afraid of hard work. I can lie down next to it and take a nap any time.
-Sato Kazuma
The problem with success, Kazuma reflected, was that it raised people's expectations. When he'd just been a loser NEET, no one had really expected him to do anything. Sure, his parents had yelled at him to go to school, but they'd always just sighed in resignation when it turned out he'd spent yet another day in his room playing video games.
When he'd first become a famous Adventurer, Kazuma had been very careful to continue to cultivate his persona as a useless layabout so that he didn't get sent on too many quests, as those really cut into his naps and veg sessions. Here in Konigreich, Baroness Von Galen had seemed to start to catch on to the fact that Kazuma wasn't a god, but in fact a bum who enjoyed staying in bed until noon and eating junk food.
And then he'd gone and killed the Duke of Terror, and now she seemed to have decided he was a useful, if strange, person. She just needed to properly motivate him.
"So, what is it you want?" she demanded, strolling into Kazuma's room as her servants flung open his drapes. He groaned, trying to cover his head with his pillow.
"To get some sleep! Sheesh, I'm worn out! Beating generals of the Lord of the Tomb is hard work! I have to get my rest in!"
"It has been two days. I have talked with Lady Dustiness, she says she knows you well," Von Galen said, snapping her fingers. The two servants hurried over, curtsying to Kazuma. He slowly raised his head, eyeing them. They were both cute young ladies, dressed in an approximation of the maid outfit he'd had Darkness wear for him during one of her "punishment" sessions. "You are lech, correct?"
"Hey now," Kazuma growled, glaring up at Von Galen as she loomed over him. She was about a decade older than Kazuma, and she would have been cute, if it wasn't for the fact that her nose had been broken more than once and she had more scars and muscles than Darkness. She was also married, and her husband was a tough looking knight named Heinrich who Kazuma had decided he did not want to get on the bad side of.
Besides, Von Galen was also pregnant, and that sort of thing really turned Kazuma off. She had three children already, the oldest was nearly ten. MILFs were cool and all, except when they carried around swords and had husbands who had large, literal axes to grind.
"It is nothing. Uraraka, she is a miser. She works for gold. She was quite happy with the money and possessions I have given her. Lady Dustiness is someone who finds satisfaction only in the field of battle. I understand this; it is a proper vice for a noble. And Tokoyami, he is a braggart. That is all fine. But you? You laze about. So, here is my offer: these two girls."
The two servants blushed and bowed deeply again to Kazuma, who slowly sat up in his bed. "Wait, what do you mean, you offer 'these two girls?'"
"They are girls from the village," Von Galen said. "Do you wish to know their names? Yes? Introduce yourselves."
"I am Helga, m'lord," the blonde with a larger bust and freckles on her cheeks whispered.
"My name is Gretchin, m'lord," the other girl giggled, smiling shyly. She was a bit flatter, but had bright blue eyes and dark hair in pigtails that made her just the perfect jailbait type.
The whole "m'lord" thing was sort of nice, really played into the whole maid fetish thing. "Er, I'm Kazuma. But you can call me 'Master.'"
Von Galen studied Kazuma, then nodded. "Girls, return to your quarters. I will speak with this man alone."
The girls quickly hurried off, and Vol Galen dragged over a chair, puffing slightly as she eased herself into it. She was pretty far along, though that hadn't stopped her from challenging Kazuma to a duel and going at it harder than a woman in her condition had any right to. "Yes, you are indeed a lech."
"You know, I really don't appreciate being called that," Kazuma snapped. "Would you like it if I started calling you a bitch?"
"If it would get you to agree to venture forth once more, I would happily let you call me whatever you wish," Von Galen said bluntly. "We have been under assault for some weeks now. Already, the kingdoms to our east have been conquered. The Kaizer himself is martialing his forces and has called me to fulfill my oaths. I would have you go in my stead. Were I and my retainers to leave, my lands would be undefended. Yet my house is poor, and I have lost two men already this month to the deadly new monsters that have begun appearing. And I am with child."
Kazuma folded his arms over his chest and sat cross legged on his mattress. "If you're trying to make me pity you, it's not going to work. You owe me for killing the Duke of Terror. He was a major bigshot in the Lord of the Tombs forces! I think I've earned a little R and R."
"True. And I would be a fool to simply turn out a mage as skillful as you are. Lady Dustiness tells me you have mastered dozens of spells. Is this true?"
"Not to brag, but I basically have every Adventurer Skill in the book. Dozens is an understatement. I have over 100 skills," Kazuma declared. That was actually a bit of a lie, but not a huge one. It sort of depended on how you counted sub skills, like Basic Magic, which included Create Water and Earth, Kindle, and Gust. Still, Kazuma was pretty confident in his skill set.
"Then you are an Archmagnus of unparalleled skill, perhaps even a god as you claim," Von Galen said with a nod. "Even if you knew only the spells I have seen you use, you would be one of the most accomplished mages in the entire reich. To know a ten is enough to earn you the title of Magus, to master twenty Archmagus. To know a hundred...I know of only a few storied legends that are supposed to have known as many."
"Well, you've buttered me up, but you keep calling me a pervert, so I don't see why I should do anything for you," Kazuma sniffed.
"The girls. They are my payment to you," Von Galen informed Kazuma.
"What?!" Kazuma gasped, going beet red. "I'm not taking slaves! That's wrong! You can't own people!"
Von Galen shrugged. "They will not be slaves, they will be paid. They are from poor families with few prospects and no skills to speak of. I told them that if they pleased you, I would pay their families in land, and when their service to you is complete, they can return and be my house servants. Of course, if you get them with child, the bastards will be your responsibility and you will be expected to provide for the child and mother for the rest of their lives."
"You mean, I can just…?" Kazuma asked, flushing and tapping his fingers together. He was still a virgin NEET at heart, no matter what people claimed. Sure, he had nearly gone beyond the final frontier with Megumin, but they'd never quite crossed that line, even if they'd promised to do so together.
"You can use them however you like, so long as you do not harm them. Lady Dustiness says you are a lecher, but not a cruel or violent man, so I have little worry of that. All you need do is agree to go to Hauptstadt and fight for the Kaiser in my stead."
"A-a-anything?" Kazuma asked, feeling his pulse quicken and his heart pound in his chest.
"They have been instructed in the basics of pleasing a man. I believe them to both be maidens, but I cannot swear to it. But, so long as you fight, consider them to be your mistresses, or, as Lady Dustiness said, 'harem.'"
Kazuma's jaw dropped. After years of Adventuring, even a stint in the Divine Realm, he was finally growing into what his dream had always been: A harem protagonist. But at the same time…
Kazuma remembered a certain flat chested mage, with crimson eyes and an explosion fetish. He remembered holding her in the dark, the night before they'd faced the Devil King, and again, holding her broken body in his hands, weeping tears and blood as the Lord of the Tomb's spell killed him for the last time.
Was he still Kadzuma? Well, yeah, he wasn't going to change over night. But the thought of going beyond the point of no return with some peasant girls who he didn't know at all...it just wasn't appealing.
"No," Kazuma whispered, tears trickling down his face as he forced the word out.
"No? You do not like the girls? There are others. Or perhaps you prefer boys? I can find you some of those, though it will take longer, and you will likely wish for it to remain a secret."
"NO!" Kazuma yelped, jumping back away from the insane noblewoman. "I'm not yaoi bait! No, I mean, I just...look. There's a girl. I don't know if we can ever be together, we died fighting the Lord of the Tomb, and, well, there's no sex in the Divine Realm so we never really got the chance, but...but I can't just shack up with some random NPCs now. I am firmly committed to the Megumin path, and I will get the H-Scene at the end, mark my words!"
Von Galen gave Kazuma a flat look. "You speak in nonsense and riddles. Very well, maguses are strange beings, and you claim to be a god. But what is it you want then?"
"Oh, don't get me wrong, the idea of having my very own maids to attend to my every whim is what I've always dreamed of," Kazuma sighed. "Look, fine, I'll go beat the Lord of the Tomb or whatever. But I can't take the maids. I'll just go with Darkness and the other two. But I want money! Lots of money! I need to be stinking rich by the time this is done, so that I never have to work a day in my life again!"
"If you win glory on the battlefield, fear not. The Kaizer will reward you handsomely. I suppose greed is as good a motivator as any. Get dressed. We have work to do, boy." With that, Von Galen got up and left, leaving a very frustrated Kazuma alone. He briefly thought about asking for one of the maids to help him, but no, he was a NEET, and in the way of his people, he used a sock.
Feeling a bit better, Kazuma walked outside, where he was surprised to see Darkness waiting for him, dressed in her armor. She smiled. "You turned her down, didn't you?"
"What? No! I told her she had to pay me lots of money! I'm not saving the world for free, you know!" Kazuma snapped.
"You are a very strange man, Kazuma," Darkness laughed, slapping him on the shoulder hard enough to stagger him. Geeze. Frickin' amazonian menace. "But, you are a good one. I told Von Galen the thought of having a harem might appeal to you, but it would not motivate you in the end."
"Yeah, well, Megumin's probably up in the Divine Realm watching me. If I were to cross the final frontier with some nameless NPCs she'd probably Explosion my ass just to harass me on the other side, and Aqua's not around to resurrect me. Heck, she'd probably join in on the torment too, and that's just too much bother."
"Well, it is good that you are so loyal to Megumin, even if you must justify it to yourself," Darkness told him.
Kazuma eyed her. Darkness was...different, somehow. Happier, more loose. "What's up with you? Why didn't you try to sneak into my room again like you did our first night here? I mean, yeah, I'm opposed to the NPCs, but if you tried hard enough I might give in to temptation, you never know."
"I have accepted that despite the feelings I long harbored for you, you do not return them, Kazuma. Besides, truely, you are not the sort of man who can truly satisfy me. Merely a man who I developed a great deal of affection for over our time together, and showered me with abuse," Darkness told him.
Kazuma's eyes suddenly narrowed. Darkness had a black eye, and she was limping slightly as she walked. Even those cockroaches hadn't really hurt her all that much, so what in the world could actually….
"You're sleeping with Tokoyami!" Kazuma gasped, pointing an accusing finger at Darkness. "You two went the distance together!"
"W-we have done no such thing!" Darkness protested, her voice squeaking slightly. "I just, well, he needed practice subduing Dark Shadow, and well, I assisted him, and…"
"And you got off on it," Kazuma sighed. "At least tell me you had the courtesy to give him a hand yourself when you were done."
"I-I will not talk of such shameful things!" Darkness protested. "It would be most embarrassing, and cruel!"
And then she stood there expectantly, face flushed, hands balled up in fists that were quivering with anticipation on her breasts.
"Oh, great. So, he gave you a pearl necklace or what?" Kazuma demanded.
Darkness blinked, relaxing slightly. "What? No, we did not exchange jewelry."
So, Kazuma had to explain, which of course, embarrassed Darkness, which meant she really enjoyed it. It turned out she and Tokoyami hadn't gone quite that far, but apparently they both had rather enjoyed themselves.
"And after we were done, he was so gentle and tender! I told him to knock that right off! He needed to verbally abuse me, and tell me how terrible I was!" Darkness explained. "But he is learning, and I just know he can become the sort of terrible man I want to marry."
"I so, so didn't need to hear that."
Kazuma and Darkness turned to see a disgusted Uraraka looking at them. She'd shed her tracksuit, now dressed in mail and leathers with an oilskin cloak, sturdy boots, and tough plate gauntlets that would let her use her special skill but also protect her arms in battle. She actually sort of looked like a competent Adventurer now.
"Oh, you have heard my shame, this is so embarrassing," Darkness moaned, panting heavily.
"Yeah, let's just change the subject. So, I hear you agreed to come, Kazuma?" Uraraka demanded.
"Yeah, fine, I'll help you idiots save the world. Again," Kazuma said, rolling his eyes. "You'd all end up dead without me and Darkness would bother me about that for the rest of eternity once we get back to the Divine Realm."
"That's great! Von Galen said we can get SUPER rich if we beat the Lord of the Tomb! She already gave me 50 gold pieces, that's enough to buy a farm you know! And a good one, not a crappy one! Hey, can I take my money back with me when I go home?" Uraraka asked.
"I don't see why not, Aqua said I would get a wish when I beat the Devil King," Kazuma said with a shrug.
"Oh, what did you wish for?" Uraraka asked, eyeing Kazuma sideways. "It wasn't something perverted, was it?"
"Sheesh, get your mind out of the gutter, Uraraka! No, I never got my wish, I told Aqua to save it until after I beat the Lord of the Tomb, because, um, well, it was supposed to be to go home, and…" Kazuma trailed off, feeling embarrassed yet again.
"And you did not want to leave Megumin," Darkness finished.
"No!" Kazuma protested, his cheeks heating despite his best efforts. "Not just that! I mean, it was all my friends. Back in Japan, well, I was a NEET. I didn't have any friends. Even being stuck in the Divine Realm, that was alright. At least I had you girls, even if I didn't manage to unlock Megumin's H-scene."
"I am stuck with a bunch of perverts," Uraraka groaned, shaking her head in disgust. "Ugh. At least you're all decent in a fight. Sheesh."
"Surely you do not lump me in with Kazuma," Tokoyami said, revealing himself from behind a corner at the end of the hall, his new cloak billowing dramatically as Dark Shadow fluttered it.
"I don't know," Uraraka said sweetly. "Were those your moans, or Darkness' last night?"
"That wasn't, that is, we were-she was helping me master Dark Shadow!" Tokoyami sputtered.
"Both," Dark Shadow squawked. "She's weird, and he's into it."
Tokoyami glared at his shadow, who smirked at him. "Damnable demon."
"I think he's wonderful," Darkness said, scratching Dark Shadow under the chin, then kissing him on the cheek. "A complete monster!"
"That's right toots!" Dark Shadow agreed. "Two, for the price of one!"
"Erm, shouldn't we be making ready to depart?" Tokoyami asked. If birds could blush, he would be doing it.
"I'm ready to go," Kazuma said with a shrug.
Uraraka frowned at him. "What about food? Water?"
Kazuma held up his hand. "Create Water!"
"Pfff! Ack!" Uraraka gasped as the stream of pure, fresh drinking water splashed in her face.
"Summon Rations!" Kazuma said, rice balls appeared in his hands. He handed a pair to Darkness, munching on one himself. "Pretty sure I'm good."
"That…" Uraraka said, wiping her face off. "Is the most amazing thing ever! You wouldn't ever have to buy food or drinks! Is there a limit? What about other kinds of food?! Vitamins?"
Kazuma shrugged, taking another bite and speaking around a mouthful of food. "Relax. Yes, there's a limit, but it's just my MP, and this is a pretty basic spell so it's cheap. The only downside is the food I make is pretty bland, but I have some furikake and stuff in my pack so we can stretch it."
"It is most useful on long dungeon trips, and it's always fresh," Darkness agreed. "I do not mind the lack of variety as long as it is not for extended periods."
"Variety? Who cares! We're going to save so much money doing this!" Uraraka said eagerly, her eyes dancing with delight. "I thought we'd have to pay for all kinds of supplies, but we can just get some vitamins and protein and we'll be set for life! Can you teach me that spell?!"
"Um, maybe?" Kazuma said, scratching his head. "Do you have any skill points? It costs three for an adventurer, two if you're some sort of priest or cleric."
"Look, Kazuma, we've been over this," Tokoyami sighed. "The rules from whatever world you're from are different then either the one Uraraka and I came from or the one we find ourselves in now. I grant that there must have been levels, skill points, and experience in your prior life, but here, there are not."
"Yeah, listen up, dumbass," Dark Shadow agreed.
Uraraka looked deeply disappointed but Kazuma shrugged and smiled. "Hey, don't sweat it, I'll create food for the whole party, and who knows, maybe there is a spell in this world that can create food and water!"
"I would tell you such magic is utterly impossible, had I not just witnessed it," Von Galen said, waddling up to the party. They were standing at the entrance to her manor, and she looked them up and down, then shook her head. "I am no mage, but I have employed and worked alongside them. You cannot create physical matter with magic. You can manipulate it, you can change it, you can draw energy from yourself or your surroundings, but to create it? That is the province of gods. Perhaps there is more credence to your claim than I had thought, Kazuma."
"I friggin' told you," Kazuma muttered. Then he straightened. "Look, I'm going to save the world, not to make you happy or something, but because dammit, I'm getting my happy ending, and if defeating another stupid villain is the only way back to the divine realm, then I'm doing it!"
"I care not for your reasons, only that you do it. I have horses prepared for you. They are not much in the way of mounts, but they are more than the village can spare, so be grateful for them. It is vital you reach the Kaiser and aid in the defense."
"Thank you very much," Uraraka said, stepping forward and bowing politely. "We will not fail you, Baroness."
"I shall pray to Psyche Dio for your success," Galen said gravely. "Go, and may your roads be free of troubles."
Out of the party, only Darkness had any experience with horses, happily selecting her mount, a large plow horse, and swinging into the saddle, armor and all. Kazuma managed to mount without too much trouble, while Uraraka simply floated herself in. Tokoyami, on the other hand, regarded the horse just as skeptically as it did him and Dark Shadow, wickering nervously and shying away from him.
"I do not trust this foul beast. My own two legs are good enough for the journey," he declared.
"Yeah! It stinks!" Dark Shadow agreed.
"Oh, it is not so bad! And that is a mare, she looks gentle," Darkness encouraged. "Here, let me show you." She slid off, first soothing the horse, then helping Tokoyami into the saddle. There she gave him a brief description on how to handle the horse, from how to give commands to how to sit properly.
"So, have you ridden a horse before Kazuma? I did on a class trip and at the fair, but it was a long time ago," Uraraka said, gently rubbing her horse's mane.
"Nope, but I'm an expert so I'm not worried," Kazuma told her.
"What? How can you be an expert if you've never ridden a horse before?"
"Hiya!" Kazuma barked, and tugged on the reins. His horse, a feisty gelding, reared up, then dashed around the yard, Kazuma easily guiding it. They jumped a fence, then back over, and Kazuma reigned the horse in next to Uraraka, grinning widely. "Riding skill."
"Of course, I should have known," Uraraka said, rolling her eyes. "Well, I'm excited. I always wanted to go on a big adventure and fight bad guys! My dad and I used to play DnD with his friends! It's pretty cheap, all you need is a book, pencils, paper, and your imagination!"
"What, are you an otaku or something?" Kazuma taunted.
"Well, if I am, it's coming in handy now, isn't it?" Uraraka said, sticking her tongue out at him.
Darkness led the way down the road, following a map from Von Galen. It was over a week's travel to Hauptstadt and the Kaiser's palace. Supposedly there would be monsters along the way, but there would also be towns and villages so they wouldn't have to rough it. Kazuma glanced up at the sun, then over at Uraraka and Tokoyami, who were talking about their lives back in the strange Japan they came from. He clicked his tongue so his mount drew up alongside Darknesses.
"Remember our first Adventure together?" Kazuma asked.
"Do you mean when you stole my goddess' panties, or perhaps when we faced the cabbages?" Darkness teased.
"Not that! I mean, when we went on a REAL adventure! Like when we went hunting those goblins, and ran into that Beginners Bane."
"Ah, I remember having to protect you and the others, while you fled in terror," Darkness giggled, smiling as she relaxed in her saddle, letting her horse find its way down the dirt road.
"That's not what happened at all! It was only with my quick thinking that any of us survived!" Kazuma argued.
"Well, you were just a low level Adventurer then, with only that dinky short sword. It would have made short work of you. Poor Aqua was crying, and Megumin had used her Explosion on the goblins and was exhausted, and you were screaming in panic…"
"No! I used my skills, and I heroically fought it off! YOU were the useless one!"
And so it went as the party ventured forth, Kazuma and Darkness arguing over old memories. Somehow, it wasn't so bad, being alive again.
Authors Note:
Big thanks to The Evil Within over on spacebattles, who has been really helpful in beta'ing and editing this story, making some pretty significant contributions to fleshing out interactions and setting scenes.