Beta'd and edited by The Evil Within

Chapter 9: A Religious Experience

All men develop a disorder right around the time they hit puberty. This disorder, officially dubbed "Multi-head Disorder", has caused poor decision-making among men from the early ages of 12 all the way through the Viagra years of the 90s.

-Paul Hudson, Elite Daily

There was a knock on Izuku's door, and he bolted upright, panting and sweating. He'd been reliving the fight with the Wolf Queen, only this time, Aqua hadn't been able to save everyone. He glanced out his window, but it was dark, still night. With a grunt, he got out of bed, and carefully opened the door.

Standing there was Hatsume, dressed in a robe and clutching her crossbow, pale faced and with puffy cheeks, her yellow eyes redded from crying. "Midoriya?"

"Um, yes?" Izuku said, opening the door a bit wider.

"Can I sleep in your room tonight?" Hatsume whispered, trembling slightly. "I had bad dreams."

For a moment, Izuku hesitated. It really was improper, and he'd had to do some convincing to get them both separate rooms in the first place. But Hatsume wasn't the only one having a bad night. "Yeah, OK," Izuku agreed, opening the door completely.

Hatsume stepped inside, only to press her face against Izuku's chest and clutch him tightly. "I want to go home."

Gently, Izuku put his arms around Hatsume, feeling tears begin to fill his own eyes. He sniffled, trying to keep his voice steady. "Yeah. Me too."

Izuku had to convince Hatsume to leave the crossbow on the nightstand, but when he tried to lie down on the floor, she simply hopped out of bed to huddle up next to him.

"Um, don't you not want me to be in the same bed as you?" Izuku asked as Hatsume shivered against him. The night was warm, but she was clearly terrified.

"I don't want to be by myself," Hatsume told him. "Mom and daddy and Hari aren't here. But you are."

"Yeah, ok," Izuku sighed. "But we shouldn't sleep on the floor then."

"Ok."

Hatsume snuggled up tight to Izuku, clutching him tightly. After a moment, she shifted, looking down curiously. "What's that?"

Izuku felt himself flush. "That's, um, sorry. I'm not a pervert, it's just…"

"Oh, is that your boy thing? How'd it get so hard?" Hatsume asked, suddenly interested, before trying to poke it.

"D-don't do that!" Izuku gasped. "It's, um, sensitive."

"Oh. Sorry. Do you need Aqua to heal you?" Hatsume asked.

"No, it's just...look, um, you know, you're a girl, and I'm a boy, and, well…"

Hatsume blinked, her yellow eyes glowing in the dim light, showing Izuku quite clearly the small crosshairs around her pupils. "Yes, that is true. But we can talk about that later. I am sleepy."

And then she just dozed off, still holding tight to Izuku. It was a long time before his heart stopped pounding and he too managed to sleep, but this time, he dreamed of far more pleasant things than before.

That morning at breakfast, Aqua and Megumin trod down the stairs to sit with Izuku and Mei, up early for once.

"Good morning," Aqua yawned. She then smiled mischievously at Izuku, looking far too much like the cat who got the mouse. "Did you two have fun last night?"

"I-no, we, um, we didn't-" Izuku trailed off with a strangled noise, unable to continue.

"We didn't do what?" Mei asked, looking up from her glazed rolls.

"We, er, um, we just, you know, slept," Izuku said lamely.

"I had nightmares," Mei stated. "Izuku helped them go away."

"Hmph. So you passed the final frontier, did you?" Megumin said, glaring at Izuku from her slumped position, clearly disgusted by his antics. Or was that the light of jealousy in her eyes instead?

"No! We just, you know, Hatsume couldn't sleep, and, well, I was having a hard time too. Because of the nightmares! So, you know. We, um-"

"Izuku, are you OK?" Hatsume asked, looking worried. She glared at Aqua and Megumin. "You be nice to him! I do not know why you are being so mean, Izuku has been very kind! He even beat the bad guy up, and he gives nice hugs."

"Sure you weren't after more than a hug?" Aqua asked, smirking at Izuku.

Hatsume frowned, setting down her food. "What else would I be after?"

"You know, you're a girl, he's a boy. I guess if you're into the stuttering nerdy type he's OK. I'm...happy… for you," Megumin said through gritted teeth.

"Izuku said the same thing last night. Why does it matter if he is a boy and I am a girl? We are both people," Hatsume said.

Aqua blinked at her. "You don't...I mean, you two did have sex, right? You've been awfully close since we got here."

"Oh, yes, sex. No, we did not kiss," Hatsume said, and went back to munching on her roll.

Aqua and Megumin gaped at Hatsume while Izuku tried to sink down in his seat enough to disappear.

"Hatsume, sex isn't kissing," Megumin said, rolling her eyes. "You can kiss your parents, or your sister, or even a friend. But, you know, when you love someone, and you're, you know, close, then you…"

"You do the horizontal hula!" Aqua laughed.

"What does dancing have to do with kissing?" Hatsume asked, face blank and uncomprehending.

Izuku, meanwhile, was busy choking on his food, before Hatsume started pounding his back until he coughed. "We, um, we didn't have sex."

"No, but I would not mind if Izuku kissed me. I have not wanted a boy to kiss me before, but he is nice," Hatsume stated matter of factly, which nearly made Izuku start a new coughing fit.

"You really don't know?" Aqua asked, sounding shocked.

"I am an expert on love," Megumin proclaimed. "As I have a tale of tragic romance in my past! You see, just as my lover, Kazuma and I, were about to consummate our feelings, when we received word that we-"

"Oh give it a rest, you're still a virgin NEET, just like Kazuma," Aqua interrupted, rolling her eyes. "Listen to a REAL expert on the subject! You see, when a boy and a girl love each other very much, they-"

"Kiss one another, then get married," Hatsume interjected. "I am not a baby, I know how it works."

"Yeah, so, you know, you and Izuku," Megumin held up her hands, making a circle with one and sticking her finger through it and moving it in and out.

"What is…" Hatsume copied the gesture until Izuku let out a sob and buried his head in his hands. "Midoriya!"

"Look, you're not listening to me!" Aqua snapped. "Sex is how you mortals reproduce! It's a big part of the Axis faith! That's why love is one of our main tenants!"

"No, humans reproduce by making babies," Hatsume said. "The male inseminates the female, and her egg implants in her womb, then grows into a fetus which turns into a baby after nine months. That's coitus."

"How do you know what coitus is but not sex," Izuku groaned.

"Sex is what happens in movies and stuff, it is very gross," Hatsume said authoritatively. "My dad said so. He said it was super gross, and I wouldn't like it, and not to kiss any boys. But he is not here so I can do what I want."

"Yeah, so you know, Izuku's holy sword goes into your sacred cave, and you passionately look into one anothers eyes and then there's an EXPLOSION!" Megumin cackled.

"Yes, exactly," Aqua declared. "And that's what you and Izuku have been doing, obviously."

"Hmph," Megumin sniffed, turning away and folding her arms over her chest. "You don't know anything, Aqua."

"Of course I do! I'm a Goddess! I know everything about love!" Aqua argued.

"Yeah, but you're a goddess, so you don't even have sex," Megumin snapped, turning around and glaring at Aqua. "Kazuma even said he was never even interested in you!"

"That's because I'm far too beautiful for mortals," Aqua sighed dramatically, putting her hand to her chest. Then she grimaced. "Besides, Hatsume is totally right. Sex is super icky, I don't know why you mortals like it so much, but I need more followers so I do have to encourage people to get busy."

"What?! No, it's amazing, and wonderful, an expression of true love! I have longed for the day I can hold my lover in my arms and finally go past the point of no return together!" Megumin argued, standing up and shouting, her face going nearly as scarlet as her eyes as she panted like a wild animal.

"Pff, like you would know. Listen, if you're going to become a REAL goddess, you're going to have to give up on all that stuff. If we have kids with mortal men we become mortal and lose all our divine powers, you know that, right?" Aqua said, rolling her eyes at Megumin's antics. "That's what happened to poor Ristarte. Fell for a hero she summoned, and ended up going full native. But then of course, Upper Management thought it was sweet and all so she made both of them back into gods in the end! Ugh, but she got old and gross and died, who'd want to do THAT?!"

"W-what?" Megumin cried, clutching at the table cloth and looking devastated. "You mean, me and Kazuma, we can never…?"

"Oh relax, he's still in the divine realm with Yunyun and Darkness anyway. He's just going to keep playing his stupid H-Games, he's not that into you," Aqua said dismissively. "Trust me, being a goddess is way better. Having followers who worship you and give you offerings is the best! Of course, you have to take care of them and keep them safe, but that's kinda fun because then they know how awesome you are."

"Yunyun! That treacherous big-titted...ooooo! Kazuma!" Megumin leapt up on top of the table, sending platters and cups crashing to the floor. She raised her fist to the sky and screamed, "You'd better not be putting the moves on poor Yunyun while I'm gone! You keep your hands to yourself, mister, or so help me I'll-"

"Um, Hatsume," Izuku whispered. "Can...can we talk? Outside, alone?"

"Sure, she's just making a mess and I'm full anyway, but we have to hurry because I want to make some more babies to help us if more bad guys come!" Hatsume declared.

"Dammit Megumin, you got food all over me! Come down from there and stop yelling, Kazuma can't hear you!" Aqua shouted, trying and failing to drag her friend off the table.

"If you give in to big busted temptation I am deleting all your save files and transferring your items to my characters, you understand me!?" Megumin ranted as she struggled against Aqua. "I'll Explode your computer! I'll draw on your face in your sleep! I, I'll-"

Izuku shut the door behind him, sighing and glad that the rant was muffled by the thick wood. He then glanced around, seeing the nervous innkeeper and maids looking down the hall to their private dining room.

"Um, just, they're just, um, playing," Izuku said, laughing nervously.

"They are talking about sex and stuff," Hatsume said. "Apparently, there is a boy named Kazuma that Megumin likes but I think he is a god or dead or something and it is very weird. But now Izuku and I are going to have a private conversation, I think he is-MMMMFF."

"Hahaha! Uhh, bye!" Izuku nervously chuckled, putting his hand over Hatsume's mouth and dragging her towards the back door of the inn.

"Midoriya!"" Hatsume said, slapping his hand away and glaring at him. "I was talking to them!"

"And that's what I wanted to talk in private with you about!" Izuku hissed.

"Oh." Hatsume frowned, cocking her head to one side as she allowed Izuku to hustle her out of the inn. "You look very upset, was I being rude?"

"No, I just…" Izuku shut the door of the inn behind them, then slumped to the ground, burying his face in his hands.

Hatsume crouched beside him, looking worried. "I am sorry if I was rude. I do not have very good social skills sometimes."

"It's OK," Izuku said, sighing and lowering his hands. "I...I'm not very good with social skills either."

"Well, that is OK, I do not mind too much. But it was very rude for you to put your hand over my mouth like that: I did not like it. Next time, use your words. I will try to listen."

"Yeah, I'm sorry." Izuku leaned back, studying Hatsume for a moment, then blushed and looked away. "Um, Hatsume, do you...like me?"

"Yes! You are my first friend!" Hatsume said happily. "Mom and dad were always worried I did not have any friends, except my babies, of course. But now I know you! And you are a person, which is what they wanted."

"No, I mean," Izuku sighed. "I mean...do you, um, like, as, um, a boy."

"You have very nice muscles," Hatsume said seriously. "I like to touch them and when you give me hugs. It is not like when dad gives me hugs either. It makes me feel very nice."

"I-I-I feel nice when you hug me, um, too. Look, I, um, I'm really bad at this, but, um, Hatsume, I think...IthinkIreallylikeyouandwillyoubemygirlfriend?"

Hatsume narrowed her eyes at Izuku, and his heart felt like it was about to jump out of his chest and flop on the ground. Then she smiled. "Oh! You were talking very funny for a second. Hmm. If we are boyfriend and girlfriend, does that mean we would kiss one another?"

"Um, maybe?" Izuku squeaked. He was not ready for it when Hatsume suddenly grabbed him by the tunic and pulled his face to hers, pressing her lips to his. Slowly, Izuku reached up, putting his arms around Hatsume, drawing her close to his chest.

After what felt like both a very long time and not long enough, they broke apart, panting.

"Mmmm," Hatsume humed, flushed and looking very pleased with herself. "Yes, that was very nice. I think we should be boyfriend and girlfriend now."

"Y-you mean it?" Izuku managed, gasping for breath.

"Yes, I liked that. Well, now we can tell Megumin and Aqua that we did have sex, and that Aqua should get over it because it is actually fun," Hatsume said.

"Er, um, Hatsume, I mean, um, should I call you Mei, now?"

"I do not mind. I am always confused a little when people call me Hatsume, because that could also be anyone in my family, but only I am Mei. Does that mean I should call you Izuku now?"

"Y-yes, um, if we're going to be dating. But, um, look. We just kissed. We didn't...um, well, we didn't have sex," Izuku explained.

"Oh?" Mei frowned. "But we said we are boyfriend and girlfriend and kissed and now we can have fun together, like making babies! I have lots of ideas! We should go and-"

"No, er, listen, sex, um, that's what people say when they mean, um, coitus. And, um, that's sort what, you know, married people do, and stuff. When they make, um, human babies."

"Wait, there is more than just kissing?" Mei jolted upward, pulling Izuku with her. "You are going to have to explain. I got only a C in Biology, I did not like it as much as Chemistry and Physics."

And so, Izuku found himself having perhaps the most embarrassing, thrilling conversation of his young life. When he was done, Mei considered. "Hmm. Yes, that makes sense. And people enjoy this, you say?"

"W-well, I mean, I wouldn't know, but er, that's why, when you get close to me, my er, boy parts...you know...react to you."

"I see. Well, I do not want to have a human baby right now. They are messy, and smelly, and very noisy and a real bother. Trust me, I remember when the brats came and it was not fun."

"Well, I mean, yes, I definitely don't want to get you pregnant," Izuku agreed, feeling slightly faint at the sheer nonchalance. "My parents...well, never mind. The point is, this is all, you know, really personal and stuff, so-"

"You can have sex without getting someone pregant you know."

Izuku jumped about two meters up in the air with a yelp, spun about in mid flight, and came down facing Aqua, his body crackling wildly with energy. "I-I-I-I-I-"

"Izuku! You used your quirk without breaking yourself! That is very good! You are getting better!" Hatsume said happily, coming over and giving him a hug from behind. "Hehe, I'm going to make such wonderful babies for you! But what are you talking about, Aqua? I thought the point of coitus was to have smelly babies."

"Yes, but most mortals just have it for fun," Aqua said, rolling her eyes. "That's why we gods made it so you enjoyed it, so you'd make babies and put up with the bother. You just need a simple protection spell."

"OkthatsgreatthanksAquabye," Izuku babbled and tried to run off, but with Hatsume still hugging him, he was only able to drag her a few feet before she dug in her heels.

"No, wait, I want to know! We should try this!"

"I, I'm saving myself for marriage!" Izuku blustered. "No sex until then!"

"Oh. Alright. I do not think we are ready to get married yet," Hatsume said, letting Izuku go. "But we should think about it. Then your boy part would stop misbehaving all the time. But I'm going to go make babies now, bye!"

Then she trotted off, leaving Izuku alone with a sniggering Aqua.

"It's not funny!" Izuku protested. "We, just, um, see, we were talking, and-"

"Relax, champ," Aqua casually said, draping her arm about his shoulders in a way that would have looked more natural on a drunk businessman, and not a teenage-looking Goddess. "I practice what I preach! All love is good! You're both healthy young adults, you can do whatever you want, 'slong as you both consent! I've even got a special offer for you, if you ever wanted to reeeeeeally have some fun…" Aqua breathed into his ear.

Sweat beaded on Izuku's forehead as he fought not to fidget. "O-o-oh? Um, w-what's that? Aqua?" He swallowed, trying and failing to edge away from the manic goddess's vice-like grip.

"If you were to become my follower, I'd grant you a spell that would keep Hatsume from getting pregnant," Aqua whispered into his ear. "You could do it all night long, no risks! It even keeps you from getting diseases and stuff. The Axis Cult believes all love is good, but it also believes in safe sex!"

Izuku froze. "Y-you don't say…" Images and sensations from Mei hugging him at night filled his head involuntarily, and he struggled to think straight for a moment. He was better than this and-

"So how do I join the Axis Church?" Izuku heard himself saying.

CURSE YOU TEENAGE HORMONES! he inwardly screamed.

"It's super simple!" Aqua whipped out a pen and parchment form, handing them over to Izuku with a big grin. "Just sign here! You pledge your soul and worship to me, Aqua! You just have to pray to me and give me a yearly offering! Normally you have to go to one of my shrines, but since we're best buds and all, just remember my birthday!"

"W-when's your birthday?" Izuku asked as his pen all but flew across the page.

"August 1st! Well, in this world, you can just go with half a moon past midsummer. I like bubbly drinks the best. Thanks for joining the Axis church!" Aqua said, taking the parchment from Izuku and smiling. It dissolved into light in her hands, and Izuku couldn't help but feel like he'd just signed his life away. Or possibly his soul. Maybe even literally.

Izuku shuffled his feet nervously. "O-ok. So, um, what do I do now..?"

"Just say the holy words. When you require my aid, say, 'The Goddess Eris pads her chest.'"

Izuku blinked. "You're serious?"

"Of course! It's a surefire set of holy words, very sacred. I said them myself!" Aqua laughed.

"The Goddess Eris pads her chest? Seriously, that's-oh!"

An odd sensation made a very sensitive region of Izuku's body tingle, and he let out a gasp.

"There you go! You can use it as many times a day as you want, but you have to pray to me again before you can use it! It lasts either an hour, or until you, you know. That thing Kazuma does with his socks," Aqua explained making a disgusted face.

"O-o-ok," Izuku said, flushing and covering himself with his hands. "Listen, I, um, I gotta go."

"You don't need to get a sock. I think Hatsume would probably be happy to help you!" Aqua called, laughing as Izuku raced away even faster.

As it turned out, Izuku chose neither option, simply going for a run until he was finally able to calm his pounding heart-rate down to its usual semi-panicked flutter. Izuku tried to process what all had happened in the last not even hour, and how he felt about it. He liked Hatsume, he really did, but everything was moving way too fast for Izuku's comfort. They'd only known each other for a few weeks, but now Izuku was confessing to this girl and asking her out? Combined with the fear and other horrible thoughts that had been swirling around them during the same time frame, it was like a rollercoaster Izuku desperately wanted to get off of. Not even touching on all that other stuff Aqua was trying to pressure him into, or had succeeded on...No. He had to take his time, he'd figure this out. It was what he did.

After another couple laps around the village though, Izuku saw a column of horses approaching. He ran to the village entrance, panting slightly and waiting for them to arrive.

"What is this? New travelers, here to seek my dark power?"

Izuku turned, seeing Megumin also trotting up to the arrivals, followed by her usual cotery of worshippers. "Oh, hey. Yeah, they're probably here for you or Aqua. You two seem really popular lately."

The riders reigned in before the two of them, and Izuku got a solid look at most of them. They were mostly knights in armor, though there were a couple of people in robes Izuku assumed to be mages. A pretty well armed group indeed.

"Hello," Izuku said, bowing slightly. "Um, welcome. I'm Midoriya, this is Megumin. What brings you to the village?"

"You are Lord Midoriya Wolfsbane?" the mage in the fanciest robes asked, dismounting and stepping forward. She bowed. "Greetings, in the name of my Uncle, King Charles of House Ferme. I am Magus Aline Ferme."

"Um, er, I'm not a-"

"Yes, he is Wolfsbane, slayer of the ferocious Demon Queen of the Wolves!" Megumin proclaimed, flinging her cape aside dramatically and raising her staff. "Behold! I am Megumin, Goddess of the Crimson Demon Clan! I am she who will master explosion magic, and bring apocalypse to this world by destroying the Lord of the Tomb forever!"

The mage gasped, and suddenly struck a dramatic pose. "I greet you, O, Megumin, Dark Goddess of Destruction! Behold, I am Aline, Master of eight spells, and wielder of dark powers!"

Izuku closed his eyes and forced himself not to groan aloud.

"Not bad, not bad," Megumin mused. "But you just hold the one pose. Don't be static! You've got to move about, at least a little. A truly dynamic pose both strikes fear into your foes, and inspires your allies."

"To jump off a cliff in shame?" Izuku muttered.

"What was that?" Megumin asked. "No, no, jumping about is too much. Maybe a little hop at the end though."

"Like this?" Aline asked, springing to the side.

"Yes, very good. I see already you have converted to my glorious order of the Crimson Demons!" Megumin cackled.

"Yes, my lady," Aline said, bowing deeply. "Already, your priestess has struck great blows against the foes that press upon us! I would ask you for the boon of your mighty Explosion magic myself, that I might aid my people!"

"Very well. Kneel, my sister," Megumin said, raising her staff.

Aline sank to her knees, looking up at Megumin with awe.

"I grant you my divine power: Explosion magic, the greatest of all magic!" Megumin intoned, passing her staff over Aline and then pressing it gently to her forehead. "Let it's dark knowledge flow through you!"

Aline gasped as her eyes glowed red. "I see it, I feel it, the dark power of destruction!"

"Very good, very good." Megumin took out a piece of parchment, and quickly scribbled something down. "Here. Memorize this, then burn the parchment in secret. When the time comes, speak my holy words, and your foes shall know TRUE Destruction!"

Izuku got a look at the paper, and this time failed to withhold a soft groan. It was all about gazing into the abyss, and power erupting forth. It read like something a middle schooler would write on their social media accounts with a picture of them in too much makeup. It didn't even affect the spell itself, from what little he had been able to piece together from Megumin's own ramblings and Aqua's critiques.

"I shall do as you command, my lady. Thank you. Already, our mission is a great success," Aline said, kowtowing to Megumin.

"Yes, well, don't fawn. Crimson Demons do not fawn! Not even to goddesses!"

"Oh, yes, of course," Aline said, scrambling to her feet. She was obviously flushed, eyes blazing with a zealous passion, but she smoothed back her fervor for a moment as she fixed her hair and turned to Izuku. "Lord Wolfsbane, please, we have come to beg your aide: A large force of monsters, more terrible than any we have ever seen, has attacked our kingdom. Already, the city of Allumage has been put to the torch, and one of our armies defeated in the field. They march now on Couronne, and our forces may not be enough to stop them."

"You want me to fight an entire army?" Izuku gasped, feeling a bit faint at the thought.

"Not alone you won't," Megumin said, sounding determined. "What forces comprise this army?"

"A mixture of insects and undead, my lady. If it were just them, they would be fearsome foes, but their leaders are terrible to behold. They have slain our mightiest maguses and most skilled knights. Even those bearing Holy Weapons have been vanquished. My cousin, the Duke de Riviere, heir to the throne, was killed along with his entire honor guard when they faced but a single general."

Megumin and Izuku shared a look, and nodded. "We'll come," Izuku promised, face set and determined, even as he felt his hands shaking. "We came to this world to stop the Lord of the Tomb. And that's just what we'll do."