Beta'd and Edited by The Evil Within

Chapter 12: Kadzuma the Great

A boy takes his girlfriend to a dance. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there's no punchline.

-This Chapter

Deafening explosions rent the air, and for a moment, Kazuma felt slightly nostalgic. He shook that off though, grimacing and scratching at his ears; he'd put wax in them, as he'd told all the gunners to do, but still, the thunder of the cannon was ear-piercing.

The gunnery was pretty crude, and the rate of fire was probably abysmal by normal standards, but the guns were still tearing huge chunks into the advancing army of goblinoids and undead. However, the enemy army just kept pressing forward, more bodies simply filling their place as they trampled over the fallen without care. Kazuma knew soon they would be up the walls. What to do then, he hadn't figured out yet.

"Jealous, Megumin? I've made a bigger boom than you now," Kazuma chuckled. He stepped up onto the parapet, posing with one hand pointing skyward, and the other making a V sign towards the foe. "Firepower, greater than the gods, raining terror down upon our foes! Witness now the might of I, Kazuma, slayer of Devil Kings and NEET extraordinaire!"

That was when Kazuma saw a fireball rising up out of the enemy army, barreling right towards him. He let out a cry and tried to scramble back, only to have a firm hand grab and yank him away as it collided where he had been standing. Darkness let out a grunt as the missile impacted her, and Kazuma let out a squeak as she crushed the air from his lungs with her shielding embrace.

"Thank you," he gasped.

"Do not be so foolish, Kazuma. This is a battle, not a stage play," Darkness told him, setting him down on the stone of the walkway. She drew her sword. "Mages! Standby to defend the cannons! They are in range! If we lose the cannon now, victory will slip through our grasp!"

Magical barriers were quickly erected around the cannons just as more fireballs and missiles impacted them. Kazuma watched them connect, then swore. "Dammit! They're just breaking through! It's like they're not even there!"

Darkness' suddenly rushed over, grabbing Kazuma and tackling him off the parapet. He let out a cry of panic, only to watch as lightning struck where he had been standing as they fell.

"Levitate!"

Kazuma gently floated to the ground, landing gently on the cobblestones. Uraraka and Tokoyami ran up, looking panicked.

"They're taking out the cannons with their own mages! They're too strong!" Uraraka said. "Kazuma, we have to do something to protect those cannons!"

"Yeah, I get that," Kazuma said, grunting as Darkness got off of him and helped him up. He looked at Tokoyami. "You willing to try to do something crazy?"

"We shall have to try something insane to beat this army," Tokoyami told him. "I am willing. The smoke and dust in the air shall aid me somewhat."

"Ok then. Here's the plan," Kazuma pointed behind him. "We need to take out those mages. They're pounding us, and even with the cannons we don't really have shit we can do against the sheer numbers of them. All the magic users on our side are too low level to do anything against them either attack or defense wise as well. Which...leaves us."

His three companions nodded seriously, and Kazuma sighed heavily. "The plan is, we launch Darkness and Tokoyami into the midst of them. You two take out as many as you can. Uraraka, you and I, well, ever played Counter Strike?"

"Um, no? Is that a video game?" Uraraka asked, confused at the reference.

"Yeah, well, never mind. We're going to go plant a bomb while Tokoyami and Darkness distract everyone. We make for the middle of the army, plant our bomb, and run like hell. Got it?"

"How do we do that?" Uraraka asked.

Kazuma smiled. "Simple. We drop it on them."

"Hey," Kazuma said, grabbing Tokoyami's arm as Darkness and Uraraka ran off to prepare. "Do something for me, alright?"

"She will be fine," Tokoyami told Kazuma with a tight grin.

"Yeah! He's not gonna let her die until he taps that ass!" Dark Shadow squawked.

Kazuma gave the quirk a flat look, then sighed. "Look, she's my best friend. We've been through hell together. I know she can take care of herself, but...I don't want to see her die again, alright?"

"You have my word. We will defeat this army, and live to tell the tale," Tokoyami assured Kazuma. "You just do the same for Uraraka."

"Yeah, don't worry, if she dies I'm screwed anyway, so I plan on keeping her healthy. Let's do this."

They climbed to the top of the wall, where frantic soldiers were still trying to fire arrows or man the few remaining cannons, while mages were attempting to either erect magical barriers or fire off spells back at the foe between volleys. Below them surged a wave of howling goblins and undead, uncountable thousands, barely being phased by the efforts above. Kazuma swallowed hard, then nodded to Uraraka. "Do it."

"Good luck you two!" Uraraka said, then touched Darkness and Tokoyami with her hands.

"Oh, I cannot wait," Darkness squealed, then ran forward, leaping into the air.

"Gust!" Kazuma cried, and his magic sent the two weightless heros flying towards the nearest cluster of enemy mages. When they were close to the ground, Uraraka cried, "Release!" and the two of them crashed into the enemy. Soon, Darkness was cleaving her way forward, the enemy's spells seemingly absorbed by her armor, while Dark Shadow ripped apart the enemy ranks with sweeping claws and a now razor sharp beak.

"She really is getting good with that sword," Kazuma mused. "Alright, how do we do this?"

"Jump on," Uraraka told him, patting her back.

Kazuma eyed her. "What, you don't want to go for a ride on me?"

"Let's just not argue, alright? Besides, if you're upfront, I might just upchuck on you," Uraraka told him.

"Fine." Kazuma climbed on Uraraka, feeling a bit awkward. She touched him, and he felt like he was floating in water. "Lurk."

Using his wind magic, Kazuma navigated them over the battlefield. He took out a cannon ball when they were out over the battlefield, passing it to Uraraka for her to touch, then hurling it downwards.

Once the ball floated down far enough, Kazuma pointed and cried, "Weight!"

The blast sent the two of them careening through the air, but after a minute of being blown about, Kazuma managed to right them with a few well timed gusts of wind.

"Oh my God. I thought I was going to be the one to upchuck," Uraraka sighed, wiping some of the vomit out of her hair.

"S-sorry," Kazuma groaned. "I could wash it off for you…"

"Save the MP. Come on, let's go," Uraraka told him.

They repeated the trick three more times, annihilating the enemy mages and a significant portion of the army each time, which was finally beginning to show signs of damage.

"That's most of them. Let's check on Darkness and Tokoyami!" Kazuma called down.

"Right!" Uraraka agreed, and they glided towards the section of the battlefield they had left their friends. They hadn't gone far however, before they saw lightning flashing through the sky, raking the ground below them.

"Shit, looks like they found the boss," Kazuma hissed. "Gust!"

Sure enough, below them Kazuma spied a flying mage of some sort, blasting the ground with Lightning. Darkness was weathering the attacks, but she was crying out more in pain than pleasure now. Tokoyami was dodging most of the blasts, but both were helpless against the flying opponent, who was staying well out of even Dark Shadow's range, the luminescence of the Lightning hindering him even more..

"We're only gonna get one shot at this," Kazuma told Uraraka. "We've got to bring her down before she notices we're here!"

"Right, sure. How do we do that?" Uraraka asked Kazuma.

Kazuma took a deep breath. "You're going to have to toss me. Weight is a short range spell."

"Alright, you sure?" Uraraka asked him.

Sighing, Kazuma shook his head. "No. But we have to do it anyway. Darkness looks like she can't take much more of that."

"Okay, here goes!" Uraraka grabbed Kazuma off her shoulders, then spun him about in the air. "Release!"

Kazuma flew through the air, hurtling towards the flying mage. At the last moment, she spun, glaring at him, her dark eyes screaming with malevolence. She raised a hand that crackled with lightning, but Kazuma was in range now.

"Weight!" he cried, just as the lightning struck him. He cried out in pain as the voltage ran through him, was barely still conscious as he tumbled out of the sky.

He landed on something soft though thankfully, and blinked as he saw Darkness cradling him. He couldn't hear, and when he touched his ears, blood and melted wax came out on his hand.

"L-Lesser Heal," he coughed. Immediately his hearing returned, and he winced at the din of the battlefield.

"Don't you dare die on me!" Darkness was sobbing. "Kazuma!"

"So, we have found you at last. I assume it was you who slew my sisters?"

Darkness dropped Kazuma, spinning about to face the mage as she approached them. She too was wearing a maid outfit, and though her bodice was shaped of metal, Kazuma got the impression she wasn't a robot like the last one.

"I'll rip you to pieces!" Darkness snarled, charging forward.

"Dragon Lightning." A roaring dragon's head made of electricity smashed into Darkness, arching over her metal armor. Darkness cried out in agony and ecstasy, shuddering and dropping to one knee.

"Pathetic. I thought you were supposed to be your world's strongest warrior. Well, we did kill you once before, Lalatina Ford Dustiness. I killed your father myself. Squeezed the life from him when it was clear he knew not where that Axis bitch was."

"Rrraraagghghhh!" Darkness surged forward, her sword forgotten, her eyes wild with fury as she tried to charge the mage directly.

"Dimensional Move."

Darkness stumbled through empty air, and as she spun another burst of lightning struck her.

"You humans always succeed in disgusting me. I do not know why my Master insists on leaving any of you alive at all. The worlds would be better off without you scuttling about like infestations." the mage said.

Kazuma kept one eye open, watching her. She'd just teleported. She'd also canceled his Weight spell, he could feel it.

Tokoyami charged in, but the mage simply raised a hand, conjuring a great burst of light. Tokoyami reeled, and Dark Shadow vanished like the morning mist.

"Fool. Why do you fight for these humans? What are you, a birdman? No, you have no wings. Some sort of race unique to this world then?"

"I am...I am Fumikage...Tokoyami," the boy coughed. Standing and drawing his sword. "I shall be your end!"

The mage tisked. "Japanese? So many of you fools from that land. Best if you die like the others. Magic Arrow."

Darkness managed to jump in the way at the last moment, stifling a moan and collapsing to the ground.

"Do you enjoy it, the pain?" the mage asked, smiling maliciously. "I remember you being a disgusting masochist. Shall I do it again?"

"I can...take...anything...you...have...bitch," Darkness panted harshly, rising and taking one shaky step forward after another, her fists weakly raised.

"Really? Let us see," The mage mused, a vicious grin on her face

"Lurk," Kazuma whispered. He got up shakily, watching the sky. Yes. It was time. He charged forward, keeping his angle of attack just right.

At the last moment, the mage teleported again.

"That won't work again, Sato Kazuma," she taunted. "You may have bested some of my sisters, but in the end, it matters not. So long as we fulfill the wishes of my master, we-"

Kazuma gritted his teeth as Uraraka dropped out of the sky. He had to make this work. The mage stepped aside as Uraraka's fingers brushed her, and Kazuma, pointed a hand at her. "Stone Skin! Fortitude!" He took a deep breath, crossing his fingers. Uraraka scrambled away from the mage, activating her quirk on herself. Kazuma pointed to the mage, who was off balance from the loss of gravity. "Weight!"

The blast was blinding, but Kazuma closed his eyes, jumping up and grabbing Uraraka as the shockwave sent her flying. He put his hand on her chest, groaning, "Lesser Heal!"

She gasped, her eyes popping open. "Thanks."

Kazuma didn't answer, setting Uraraka down and instead running over to Darkness. "Lesser Heal! Lesser Heal! Lesser Heal!"

"That...that is enough," Darkness said, managing again to stand. "See to Tokoyami as well."

"Right." Kazuma agreed, now putting his hands on Tokoyami. "Lesser Heal!"

"Nng. Thank you. I only wish you could do the same for Dark Shadow," Tokoyami grunted out , managing to move to a crouching position.

"Well, at least it looks like we got all the mages," Uraraka said, looking around, before turning back to the crater now behind them.. "And the boss."

Kazuma smiled, looking around the battlefield. "Yeah. Not bad. I guess we-"

A hunting horn blared from nearby. Kazuma spun wildly to see what looked like a human girl with blonde hair and brown eyes blowing on a horn no bigger than her hand.

"You killed her!" the girl cried, lowering the horn. "How many of them have you killed, you bastard!? She was my friend!"

"I mean, she said she hated all humans," Kazuma said, shrugging. "Don't see why you're so upset."

"I am no longer a human! I cast that aside, thanks to my Master! Now, I am a goblin!" the girl snapped. "And my soldiers will make you pay!"

All around Kazuma's party, white mist arose, which condensed into hundreds of fresh goblin troops. There were goblins riding wolves, goblins in heavy armor, goblin archers, and, of course, more goblin mages.

"Oh shit," Kazuma groaned. He sighed. "Sorry, Darkness."

"It is alright," she said, picking up her sword and gripping it in both hands. "We will stand together, Kazuma. We will find a way out, somehow."

"You will," Kazuma agreed, and he jumped on Darknesses back. "Drain Touch."

"Kazuma!" Darkness flailed her arms, trying to shake Kazuma off. "What, I...I don't...ugh…" Darkness sank down to the ground, too weak to rise.

"Sorry. I just can't do it again," Kazuma whispered, gently smoothing the hair away from Darkness' forehead. "Uraraka! Levitate this!" He ordered, and handed the girl a large rock.

"Um, Ok, but what-"

"Then get you three out of here," Kazuma said grimly. "I'll have to take out that girl with the horn. It's the only way."

"What?" Tokoyami gasped. "You can't be-"

"Dark Shadow is down for the count. Darkness had almost no HP left, and Uraraka and me can't fight all these guys off. Get out of here," he ordered.

"Kazuma, what are you-" Uraraka swallowed, touching the rock. She handed it back, then grabbed Darkness and Tokoyami. "Thank you. Good luck."

"Yeah, well, just win this one for me, OK?" Kazuma said. "Gust!"

Uraraka dragged the unconscious Darkness and struggling Tokoyami off through the sky. Kazuma tucked the rock under his arm, and drew Chunchumaru. "Well. Guess it's time to see how lucky I am."

He charged the goblins, evading most of the attacks, but not quite all. Still, they were just goblins. Most of them were below level 20, and Kazuma's skills meant he carved through them with ease, using his sword and more than a bit of luck. He dashed and dodged, never staying put. He had to heal himself a couple times, but he used Drain Touch to get back HP and MP where he could, but blood spattered his torn leathers. He gritted his teeth, and pressed on. He closed in on the girl, and smiled to himself. He leapt into the air, holding aloft the rock.

"EXPLOSION!" he screamed.

And the earth shook and rent asunder at his landing.

Author's Note

Shit, there was supposed to be a joke.

Two dyslexics walk into a bra.