Beta'd and edited by The Evil Within

Chapter 14: Two and a Half Goddesses

If I die again, King Kai says I get a free Ice Cream Sunday since it's my third time!

— Chotsu, Dragon Ball Z Abridged

Once again, Kazuma was dead. Considering he had spent several centuries that way, it didn't really bother him. What did bother him was that he was currently all alone in the now familiar circle of light. He looked around, putting his arm over the back of his chair and frowning. "Hello? Get a little service here? Come on! Sheesh, I'm a VIP you know! If no one comes I'm just going back to Aqua's room!"

"You!"

Kazuma turned around to see a blonde goddess stalking forward, a look of pure murder on her face. "Oh, hey, Rista. Seiya around?"

"He's busy fighting the Lord of the Tomb, just like you should be, you good for nothing NEET!" Rista snarled, planning her fists on her hips. "Do you know how much trouble you idiots have caused for me!?"

Kazuma shrugged. "I mean, I just defeated one of his armies and blew up two of his generals. Don't see what the big deal is. Just let me go back to Aqua's room, I'm sure Megumin misses me."

"She didn't miss you at all, that's the problem! She blew you sky high!" Rista ranted. "After stealing hundreds of my followers!"

"What?" Kazuma blinked in confusion. "No, I blew myself up with my Weight...spell...crap, I didn't even cast it! Those goblins are still-"

"Piles of ash, unlike you, who somehow, thanks to your stupidly good luck skill, are just an extra crispy corpse instead!" Rista said, sticking a finger under Kazuma's nose. "You tell Aqua when she finishes with you that we are going to have WORDS about just how many of my followers she's stealing! Upper Management is going to-"

"Rista, quit wasting your time with the NEET," Seiya, Rista's husband said, stepping into the light beside her. Kazuma rolled his eyes at the man. They had never gotten along, Kazuma being the consummate slacker and Seiya being a hard core overachiever. "He's useless as his goddess. He's never prepared for anything."

"Hey, I was totally prepared, you rude asshole!" Kazmuma snapped, standing and glaring up at the much taller Seiya. "I made cannons and blew up that whole army! But this Lord of the Tomb guy has cheat items too! This weird girl re-summoned a whole goblin army, and sacrificing myself heroically was the only way to take them out and save my friends!"

"If you had spent your time in the Divine Realm training instead of playing video games and eating junk food, this would not have been a problem for you," Seiya said, narrowing his eyes in disgust at Kazuma. "It's your group's fault the Lord of the Tomb is still such a problem anyway."

Kazuma threw his hands up in the air. "Oh, so it's my fault we didn't defeat him the first time?! What the hell man! Even you lost to a Demon Lord once, Aqua told me all about it!"

"Yes, and I paid for it with Rista's life, and my own, and we only barely saved our child," Seiya retorted, shaking his head stiffly. "You should have known better this time. At least thank Aqua when she resurrects you."

"Oh no she won't! I am not going back there! Where is she, anyway? I've been working my ass off fighting the Lord of the Tomb while she lazes around here!" Kazuma argued.

Rista frowned. "Wait, you don't know? She's with you in that world. She finally got off her lazy ass and incarnated herself on the front lines, even if you are breaking the Quarantine. That's what Seiya and I were doing until I had to deal with you. Normally I'd delegate a death like yours but I figured I'd take the chance to give Aqua a warning."

"He never listens. Come. Todoroki and the others are waiting. We must commence our assault soon," Seiya said.

"Ugh, fine. I'm just mad that Aqua found a way to interrupt our alone time," Rista complained.

Seiya raised an eyebrow at her, looking amused for the first time this encounter. "You are insatiable. How many times was it this night?"

"I was going for four. We have to enjoy our time in the mortal realm while we can, dear," Rista said, smiling and patting her husband's arm.

"Hold up a second! What do you mean, Aqua's there?! It was just me and Darkness!" Kazuma exclaimed. "I thought gods and goddesses were forbidden from incarnating because of the Godslayer."

Rista shook her head. "No, your entire group was there. They didn't go with Yunyun and Eris back to Belzerg, I checked. Aqua and Megumin have been stealing thousands of my faithful, which is a serious problem when I'm fighting on the front lines, Godslayer or no."

"Wait, Yunyun went to Belzerg? When? Why!" Kazuma demanded. "And what's Eris doing there?!"

"It's all these kids from that weird realm that opened up to us recently, I thought you knew, that's why you went with them," Rista explained. "You know, the ones with quirks? Aren't there some in your group?"

"Yeah, Uraraka and Tokoyami," Kazuma agreed. "Wait, how do you know about them?"

"Four of them have joined Rista and I. We are about to drive the Godslayer off of one of the Lord of the Tomb's worlds," Seiya stated. "Other gods and goddesses have allied with them in other realms. At long last, Nazarick is in retreat."

"Wait, we're winning? For real?" Kazuma demanded in disbelief. "But we've been losing for so long! It didn't matter what kind of cheat items we used or how many Adventurers we sent, they kept dying and failing!"

"I know. Something has changed. Personally, I think this smacks of the hand of Upper Management," Rista said with a shudder. Even Seiya looked concerned at that, putting a protective hand on his wife's shoulder.

"Upper Management?" Kazuma asked. "Aqua's mentioned them but I don't know much about it. Who exactly are they, or even what?"

"It's best if you don't know. They took over our Division well before my time, but what little contact I have had with them is...well. It's best not to dwell on such things. Ah, there she is. Finally, any longer and I would have had to shove you back in that meatsack you call a corpse myself. You make sure to tell Aqua to keep her damn hands off my followers, or next time I'll go to one of HER worlds and start a religious revival of my own!" Rista snarled, shaking a fist even as her husband began pulling her back.

Kazuma then felt a familiar tug on his soul, drawing him back to the land of the living. "She...she's really there?"

"Kazuma! Dammit, come on! I know there's enough of you there!" Aqua's voice suddenly echoed through the void. "Hurry up and come back before-OOOF!"

There was the sounds of a struggle, and then, "Kazuma if you don't come back right now, so help me I will-"

Upon hearing the new voice, Kazuma instantly allowed himself to be resurrected. He gasped for air opening his eyes. And there she was, her eyes filled with tears as she hovered over him.

Kazuma didn't say anything, just jerking up and wrapping Megumin in a tight hug. He was crying too, but tried to put a tough face on it. "I should have known it was your useless ass that blew me up. I should've been familiar with the sensation by now."

"I'm sorry!" Megumin wept uncontrollably, her face a mess even as she smiled widely. "I didn't know you were there! I foolishly fired off my Explosion spell, not even considering the consequences! Please forgive me!"

"Hey, it's alright, I'm used to it," Kazuma consoled, gently patting Megumin's back. Then Kazuma realized there were other people around them. He looked up, and found a green haired boy looking down at him worriedly. "Who the hell is this guy?"

"Er, hi, I'm Izuku Midoriya. Pleased to meet you. I guess. Uhh, I'm sort of the one who dragged Aqua into this."

"And I'm the one who got Megumin!" a girl with pink hair and intensely yellow eyes said, jumping up and elbowing Midoriya aside. "Hello! I'm Mei Hastume! Are you Megumin's boyfriend? She has told me you are very rude and dumb."

Megumin looked away, her face as red as her eyes, but Kazuma just laughed. "Yeah, I guess I fit right in with these idiots! Thanks, by the way, Aqua. It's good to see you again."

"Well, I figured you just needed the help of a goddess like myself if you wanted to have any hope of defeating the Lord of the Tomb and his minions, Kazuma," Aqua huffed, giving him a smug grin, though her eyes sparkled with genuine happiness.

"I thought you came here on accident because you didn't listen when Izuku asked for his bonus?" Mei asked, making Aqua jerk and look away in embarrassed guilt.

"Yeah, that sounds about right," Kazuma agreed, slowly getting to his feet, though it took a moment longer than normal as he refused to let go of Megumin. He smiled down at her, still comfortable in his arms. "Well, I bet you'll need a ride again, since you fired off your spell already today."

"As fun as that sounds, I am quite capable of walking, thank you," Megumin told him, then to Kazukua's shock, actually stood up on her own and grinned impudently at him. "You are not dealing with a useless wizard who knows only Explosion magic anymore! Behold! I am Megumin! Dark Goddess of the Crimson Demon Cult! She who has legions of loyal followers who partake in dark, profane rituals and-"

"We get to skip around and sing about explosions!" Mei interrupted. "It's really fun! Apparently it lets Megumin cast extra spells everyday. I wish I could do it because after one Explosion, Izuku has to carry me too."

"Heh, um, ignore the prattlings of this ignorant commoner," Megumin said, waving her hand dismissively at Mei while trying desperately to keep a straight face. "She knows not about the inner workings of my secretive cult."

"What? I thought I was your high priestess! I even made you a printing press so we could make fliers for you to hand out at every village we passed through!" Mei argued, genuinely displeased at the denial.

Megumin jumped at Hatsume, grabbing the taller girl by her collar. "If you do not stop interrupting me and making our religion look lame, I am demoting you, do you understand me! Looking awesome and having a fearsome image is the core tenant of the Crimson Demon Cult!"

"I thought it was making a big boom?" Hatsume asked.

"Well, yes, that is also important," Megumin admitted. She spun around, now glaring at Kazuma. "Do not dare mock my religion, for-"

"She's got everyone behaving like a bunch of middle schoolers going through an edgy phase, doesn't she?" Kazuma asked Midoriya.

Midoirya grimaced, rubbing the back of his head. "I mean, it works, but...it's really weird to watch. They all do these strange poses and all the spells for the explosion are different. Hatsume just recites oxidation reactions and they work just as well as the random gothic poetry that everyone else comes up with."

"That is because what they are doing is offering up prayers to their goddess! The cooler they are, the more effective the spell!" Megumin declared. She glanced at Aqua. "Um, right?"

"Eh, sure, I mostly just like it when people tell me how awesome I am but whatever works for you," Aqua shrugged. "We can set the parameters for effective prayers as pretty much anything so long as the mortal's devotion is real."

"Then how come she just recites chemical equations?" Kazuma asked, jerking his thumb at Hatsume.

"Obviously, because she is my friend, and I am doing her a favor," Megumin sniffed. "If you are nice to me, perhaps I shall allow you to summon my incredible dark powers."

"Really? Because I had something else in mind," Kazuma said, stepping forward to loom over Megumin.

She glared up at him, puffing out her chest (which remained unimpressive) and folding her arms under her breasts. "And what is that?"

"I figured I'd take your panties again," Kazuma said with a smug grin. "But this time, I wouldn't be using Steal."

"Y-y-you jerk!" Megumin cried, taking a step back and raising a fist towards Kazuma, even as a small smile broke out on her face. "You think just because I blew you up that I'm going to let you do perverted things to me?! E-even if they sound fun, and I have been imagining finally giving myself to your savage lusts and finally sheathing your holy sword in my-"

"Oh, you totally can't do that," Aqua interrupted. "Sorry, Megumin. But you're a goddess now. No sex."

"WHAT?!" Kazuma and Megumin yelled at the same time, spinning on their blue haired friend, one shocked, and the other outraged beyond reason.

Aqua just shrugged. "If you have sex with Kazuma, you totally forfit your godly powers and followers. Those are the rules. All your followers would lose their magic and end up completely defenseless against all the Lord of the Tomb's monsters. It's in the Hand Book To Your Divinity. Here, I think I got a copy kicking around here somewhere."

Impossibly, Aqua then proceeded to reach into her bodice with her full arm, moving around back and forth for several seconds before pulling out a small book, handing it over to the quivering Megumin.

"This is outrageous!" Megumin ranted at the perceived injustice. She quickly flipped through the book, her eyes darting back and forth for some kind of loophole or sign of trickery in Aqua's words. Kazuma tried to lean over to get a look at it, but Megumin simply let out a snarl of anger. She ripped the book into shreds, then pointed her staff at it, ready to utterly erase the foul literature from existence. "That is vile, wicked, I never would have signed up to be a goddess if I knew that was in the rules!"

"Yeah, we lose more recruits through the boinking rule than any other," Aqua sighed. She made a face and a retching sound. "Though I still don't know why you want to so bad. It sounds super gross. Why anyone would want to have sex, I don't know."

Tears welled up in Kazuma's eyes as he sank to his knees beside the book. "You mean...you mean...NOOOOOOO!" Kazuma threw back his head, tearing at his hair as if he heard the world was doomed. For all he cared at the moment, it was. "You're telling me I'm cursed to be a virgin NEET for the rest of existence!? I chose the wrong path, dammit! I want a take back! Reload my save! Let me complete this hyper-important side-quest first! This isn't right!"

"Well screw this!" Megumin ranted alongside him, stomping on the book. "I swear it off! I'm not going to be a goddess anymore! I've waited for hundreds of years already and I'm not waiting a minute longer!"

Kazuma lowered his hands. "Wait, you mean…?"

Megumin grabbed Kazuma by the collar of his tunic and started dragging him across the bumpy turned up earth. "We are crossing the final frontier together, and I am not waiting one moment longer! Some big titted floozy is going to run up and shout-"

"Kazuma, Kazuma!"

Megumin let out a squeak and dropped Kazuma, who yelped as his head hit a shard of rock.

"Darkness?!" Megumin gasped, as Darkness ran forward, her breasts bouncing about wildly in her nearly destroyed armor. Megumin suddenly jumped on top of Kazuma, shaking him violently. "Dammit, why didn't you tell me she was here!? She's been with you the entire time,

hasn't she! You two have been going at it like damn bunnies every night, weren't 't you! I never should have let you out of my sight, the next thing you know I'll-"

"Hey, whoever you are, I'm going to warn you once: get off of Kazuma. I don't know how he's alive, but I'm going to be seriously upset if you hurt him after he managed to wipe out that army," Uraraka said, stalking towards them.

"I resurrected him!" Aqua said helpfully.

Megumin's eyes took on a haunted look, and she dropped Kazuma back into the dirt. Trembling, Megumin stood, then slowly walked over to Uraraka.

"That's better!" Uraraka said, frowning at the trembling tsundere mage. "Now, just who are you, and why are you-"

"B-b-boobs," Megumin stammered, hunched over as she looked right at Uraraka's decently sized bosom. "Dammit."

Uraraka went beet red and jerked away, covering her chest with her arms. "What the hell is wrong with you?!"

"Curse this wretched form," Megumin whimpered, tears welling up in her eyes. "This one isn't even a boob monster like Darkness, and she's still bigger than me…"

"Megumin?" Darkness asked, coming over and putting a hand on the mages shoulder. "Are you-OH!"

"Don't touch me, you worthless love rival! I thought he was mine and you stole him at the last second!" Megumin raved, slapping Darkness' breasts like a pair of beach balls as they knocked back and forth. Darkness moaned and took a step back as her smaller friend continued to wail away. "Curse! These! Stupid! Giant! Gag! BoooOOOO-!"

Megumin shrieked as she was grabbed by the ankles and hung upside down, her hat topping from her head. Her robes tried to fall over her head as well, but she desperately tried to keep them up, though Kazuma did catch a good look at her panties. Black and lacy as always, with cute little ribbons on the side.

"I will warn you once: do not treat my lady so," Tokoyami declared as Dark Shadow dangled Megumin off the ground.

"Yeah, he's the only one who gets to play with her tits like that!" his quirk squawked.

Tokoyami flushed. "I, er, it's not what I-"

"Tokoyami?" Kazuma said, tapping the other boy on the shoulder.

"Yes?"

Kazuma decked the birdboy right in the beak, just as he set off a flour bomb. Tokoyami staggered back as Dark Shadow screeched in annoyance, and Kazuma caught Megumin in his arms before she fell on her face.

"I'm gonna warn you once," he said sternly, doing his best to glare down at the flustered girl. "Uraraka is a friend. Don't go picking on her. And you can posture and rant all you want, but not actually hurting Darkness: that's Tokoyami's job now. And as for me, well, I'll have you know, that even in this dark hour, I am firmly committed to the Megumin path, and unlocking your H-Scene. You realize Uraraka thinks I'm a disgusting pervert and probably wouldn't touch me, let alone let me grab her boobs, right?"

"Try it, and that blue haired bimbo over there will have to resurrect you again," Uraraka swore with an upraised fist.

"And, well, I personally think big boobs are completely overrated. Small chests are definitely sexier," Kazuma decreed. "Just ask Darkness."

"He has told me that I have completely ruined boobs for him," she confirmed with no small amount of joy. "And Megumin, just so you know, he was offered a harem of two fetching girls that he could do whatever he wished with, and he turned them down. He even declined my offers before I became involved with Tokoyami. He has been most admirably loyal."

Megumin took a deep breath, then looked up at Kazuma, searching for any sign of lying. She went for a pout, but mostly it looked like she was trying hard not to cry again. "Is that true? Did you really turn down a harem? That's not the Kazutrash I know."

"What can I say? Their boobs were way too big. Besides, I never could have done this," he said, before pinching Megumin's rear.

She let out a shriek and tried to slap him, but she was to busy laughing in relief as small tears rolled down her face. In the end, she just grabbed his cheek and pulled him down for a kiss. After an embrace that should have been longer, she rested her head on his shoulder and whispered, "You really waited?"

"I really did. I surprise even myself sometimes. Besides, would I really be the same Kazuma if I wasn't a virgin NEET?" he asked. "You keep being a goddess. And I'll be right there at your side, Megumin. Though I will say, this last explosion? Seventy points. Max."

"What! That was an incredible explosion! I blew up an entire army!" Megumin argued, slapping her hand on his head. "It was at least 150 points!"

"Yeah, but you blew me up too, so I knocked a few off," Kazuma set, letting her back down. He looked around as Megumin straightened her clothes, rubbing his chin. "So, Midoriya, Hatsume, you're from the same world as Uraraka and Tokoyami?"

"They were our classmates," Tokoyami confirmed, rubbing his beak. "We were on the same team in the Sports Festival."

"Wait, did you guys end up with Kazuma and Darkness as your bonuses? How did that happen?" Izukuk asked.

"Darkness asked to come with me, and Tokoyami picked Kazuma out of spite," Uraraka explained. "What about you two?"

"I picked Megumin because she agreed to teach me how to make amazing explosions, and so that I would not have to go to boring heaven or get reincarnated as a baby which would be dumb," Mei explained. "Izuku got stuck with Aqua because she is not very smart."

"Hey!" Aqua cried. She spun to face Kazuma, Darkness and Megumin. "He cheated, you believe me, right?"

Her three friends just gave Aqua a flat look. "Aqua, they changed the rules so goddesses couldn't accidentally get chosen as a cheat item," Kazuma said slowly

Megumin rubbed her forehead. "Which means, you had to deliberately choose yourself."

Tokoyami blinked, seeing an inconsistency. "Wait, then how did I choose Kazuma? You mean he wanted to come?"

All eyes turned to Kazuma, who blanched and shuffled his feet, kicking some suddenly interesting ashes. "I just...you made me really angry, questioning my awesome powers, so...I mean, I kinda sorta, accidentally, on purpose...picked myself. To prove you wrong."

"Ha! That means you're as dumb as I am!" Aqua laughed.

"Aqua, you know you just admitted to being an idiot, right?" Darkness sighed.

Aqua sniffed and stuck her nose in the air with great pride. "It doesn't matter, as long as everyone acknowledges that I am smarter than Kazuma, and also much more beautiful, powerful, useful, and artistically gifted. And humbler, too!"

"You're gifted at something, alright," Kazuma muttered. He sighed, then stepped forward and pulled a startled Aqua into a hug. "Thanks for saving me again, Aqua. It's good to see you again. Never thought I'd say this but...I really missed having you along. Guess I'm pretty useless without my OP cheat item along, huh?"

Aqua sniffed, tears of her own at the corners of her eyes, and hugging Kazuma right back. "I was lonely when you weren't there. I was so worried I'd finally have to reincarnate you and I'd be all alone again. You guys all have to become gods like Megumin, alright? Then we can hang out forever!"

"Yeah that's not happening," Kazuma said, patting Aqua on the head like a small child. "I'm getting laid. I'm not staying a virgin NEET for the rest of eternity."

"You keep saying that, and so does Aqua. What's a virgin NEET anyway?" Mei demanded. "And why does Izuku get all weird when people say it?"

"It means he's a loser who never leaves the house, plays video games all day, and doesn't have a girlfriend," Uraraka explained, making a face. "So, basically, Kazuma, but he's out of his natural habitat right now."

"Oh. Well then stop calling Izuku a virgin NEET, Aqua!" Mei snapped. "He does have a girlfriend, and he does all kinds of useful things, like going to school and helping me make babies! And we are also going to have sex because if Aqua thinks it is dumb then it is probably actually fun."

That pronouncement made Uraraka go deep red and make a sound like steam hissing out of a kettle as she covered her mouth and stared at Izuku, who had gone equally red and looked as though he wanted to find a rock large enough to crawl under and die of embarrassment.

"You're dating Hatsume now?" Tokoyami asked. He then gave Izuku a thumbs up. "Nice. She's pretty cute, and smart."

"Eh, not kinky enough," Dark Shadow opined. "I bet she's not even into the weird shit like Darkness is!"

Izuku managed to calm himself before Uraraka. "Um, Uraraka? Mei and I...we're sort of dating now."

"Yes! Izuku has very nice muscles, and he lets me touch them, and I let him touch my boobies. It makes me feel very nice," Hastume agreed.

"I...I'm happy for you," Uraraka gasped, fanning herself with her hands. She managed to smile. "This world...it's pretty weird, right? But it's good to have someone you can rely on! Sounds like you um, had a really interesting time here, Deku!"

"Who's Deku?" Hatsume asked. "Is it Aqua? She is definitely useless."

Uraraka blinked. "Oh, yeah, OK. I guess I'm going to just call you Midoriya from now on. If Aqua's half the experience that Kazuma is, I wouldn't want to be associated with her either."

"I just resurrected Kazuma, and I killed the undead that were left over!" Aqua snapped, planting her hands on her hips. "What have you done since we came here, huh?!"

"Started an industrial revolution, introduced several super cute babies that can make new raw materials, blew up dragons, learned magic, and got a boyfriend! Is this a competition? Because if it is, I should be winning! You have not made anything interesting since we got here, and you don't have a boyfriend. Ha! Aqua is a virgin NEET, just like Kazuma!" Mei laughed.

"I am not a virgin NEET!" Aqua snapped, furious at her own insult being used against her.

"I don't know, you never left the divine realm until I came along, and all you wanted to do is go back. When you're there all you do is nap in your room, drink yourself silly, and play video games with us all day," Kazuma pointed out. "Plus, as you pointed out, goddesses can't have sex ever, so you're definitely a virgin. At least I've gotten to second base."

Megumin was kneeling and picking up the rumpled pages of the book, frowning at them. "Aqua, just what constitutes an act to make me lose my goddess powers?"

Aqua put her tongue back in her mouth, having been sticking it out at Kazuma. "Huh? I told you, sex."

"Right, but that could mean a lot of things. Define it, please," Megumin said, frowning at a scrap of paper.

"That is when the boy inserts the penis into the vaginal canal, then orgasms, releasing sperm which swim up the fallopian tube to meet with an egg and inseminate it," Mei recited dutifully. She shrugged. "I do not know what all that really means but I think Izuku and I are going to find out tonight."

"Um, you remember I said we were waiting for marriage, right Mei?" Izuku said, sweating. "Plus, we'd have to use protection anyway, we really don't want you to end up pregnant right now."

"Ah, that is a good point," Mei agreed. She walked over and tapped Megumin on the shoulder. "Can goddesses marry people?"

"Huh?" Megumin looked up, frowning. "Of course they can! Alright, I've figured out a loophole! It doesn't say anything about, um, other kinds of stimulation. So Kazuma, don't you dare try to sneak off on me this time! I'm going to have Darkness chain you the bed if I have to!"

"I do have extras, they are very thick chains, excellent for holding down a demon!" Darkness said eagerly even as Tokoyami blushed. He was also betrayed by Dark Shadow stealthily rubbing his hands eagerly together just behind him.

"No chains!" Kazuma cried, arms in an x. He looked at Megumin warily. "Um, are you sure? I mean, we could just wait a little longer, until we beat the Lord of the Tomb. I...I don't really want to see you all dead again."

"I have been waiting hundreds of years. I cannot contain myself any longer!" Megumin announced. "SOMETHING is happening tonight, one way or another."

"Yes, you should marry Izuku and I, then we can do whatever we want!" Mei agreed.

Everyone looked to Izuku, who had gone beat red as a slow, stupid looking grin spread across his face. "S-sounds good to me."

"Oh god," Uraraka groaned, putting her head in her hands. "I am surrounded by perverts and idiots."

"Yep," Kazuma agreed, a joyful moronic smile on his own face. "But they're our perverts and idiots."