Beta'd and edited by The Evil Within and The Grand Cognator
Fast Times At UA High
And they're coming to take me away ha-haaa
They're coming to take me away ho-ho hee-hee ha-haaa
To the funny farm
Where life is beautiful all the time
And I'll be happy to see those nice young men
In their clean white coats
And they're coming to take me away ha-haaa
-Shota Aizawa
For the life of him, Kazuma could not understand why he was standing out in the morning sun dressed in a PE uniform. Well, he sort of understood, he just wasn't happy about it. Apparently, they were having some sort of physical exam, and who ever scored the lowest would be kicked out.
"I should be inside playing games," Kazuma grumbled. "I haven't seen what sort of MMOs there are in this world. Being in school is seriously going to cut into my grinding sessions. But someone had to kill my hopes and dreams."
Darkness shook her head. "I told you, we're learning to be heroes. Just think of how skilled Midoriya and the others were. We could afford to learn something from this Mr. Aizawa."
"I don't know, I feel like lying in bed and eating chips all day," Aqua muttered. "That's what mortals do, right?"
"If you do that, you'll be the only virgin NEET in our group. Just imagine how much Kazuma will lord it over you then," Darkness pointed out.
Aqua frowned. "Why should I care? It's not like I can fulfill my duty as a goddess now. The Lord of the Tomb isn't even here, what'd be the point of 'training' to face him? I don't even have any of my powers anymore. I'm just an ordinary human."
"Listen up," Aizawa suddenly barked. "UA isn't bound to traditions. Here, instead of attending some pointless opening ceremony, we'll be doing physical testing to see who's worth the effort to teach. Previously, you were barred from using your quirks. Today, that ends. But keep this in mind: whoever gets the lowest score, I'm kicking you out."
"Hey, see Aqua?" Kazuma crowed, grinning. "We just have to fail and we'll be back to NEEThood in no time!"
"I'm going to beat you this time, Megumin!" Yunyun shouted as she ran to the pitch, fire in her eyes. "You'll see! I'll finally be a worthy rival."
"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Megumin muttered, clearly uninterested while focusing on trying to push up her jumpsuit.
"Hey Aqua, I'm going to do my best too!" Eris said, giving the former goddess a big smile. "We might be ordinary mortals now, but we still have to try!"
"Ugh, fine," Aqua groused. "I'm not letting my junior beat me, even if we both are pathetic humans now."
"I guess I'll try," Kazuma agreed with a heavy sigh. "It'd be boring to be stuck at home all on my own."
Wait, had he really said that? He was a NEET! Being at home on his own was his life's goal! And yet, he really didn't want to just sit around at home alone, even if he could play video games. Sure, it sounded fun if he and the girls were there, or maybe even Midoriya or Tokoyami for a few hours, but on his own? It just didn't have the same appeal as it used to.
Kazuma watched, bored, as the students lined up for the first test, throwing a soft ball as far as they could.
"DIE!" the spiky haired blond kid roared, and lit off a massive explosion as he did so, sending the crispy-fried ball into the stratosphere.
"Wait, we can use detonation magic!?" Megumin cried, suddenly invested in the test.
The teacher shrugged. "You can use whatever your quirk allows or other method you choose.. Just remember, you have to compete in every category."
"Darkness, I will need your help!" Megumin cried, her eyes alight with sudden passion. "I'll need your stamina to get off as many Explosions as possible!"
"Helping your fellow students is hardly logical, and isn't something you can count on reliably," Aizawa sighed.
"Oh piss off old man," Bakugo grumbled as he slouched back to his place in the group. "In a real fight you have to rely on your allies. No one's tough enough to take on a boss villain alone."
Instantly, most of the kids from this world snapped their heads to Bakugo.
"Wait, did he really just say that?" Uraraka asked. "Did Bakugo seriously just say that you have to rely on your allies?"
"I think he did," the kid with the engines in his legs said, frowning. "That seems most uncharacteristic of him."
"Oh relax Iida," the pink skinned babe laughed. "Bakugo's much chiller now, trust me!"
Their teacher narrowed his eyes at the contrarian point, but simply called up the next student. "Aqua."
"Alright! I'll show you Eris, this is the power of a senior, uhh, student!"
"We're in the same grade now though…" Eris mumbled.
Flexing her arm, Aqua strode up to the circle, grinning as she picked up the ball. She windmilled her arm, then hurled the ball as hard as she could.
"Ninety five meters," the teacher reported with a small nod.
"Ha! That's not as impressive as Porcupine's score, but I'm certain I won't get last place!" Aqua bragged as she stepped aside.
"Hmmm," Eris mused, hurrying forward. She looked at the teacher, considering. "You said we could use our abilities, right?"
"That's literally the point, yes," Aizawa agreed.
"Awesome! Lesser Strength! Greater Fortune! Greater Endurance! Featherweight!" Eris stuck her tongue out between her lips, stood on one leg in a perfect pitcher's stance, before hurling the ball in a sharp arc.
"One hundred and eighteen meters."
"WHAT!? That was cheating! She used a bunch of buffs!" Aqua complained.
Aizawa's eyebrow twitched. "What part of this do you not understand about this? I said you should use your quirks. So long as you complete the challenge, anything else is allowed. There is no cheating in this exam."
"My turn then!" Megumin cackled, striding forward confidently. She tossed the ball up in the air a few times, testing its weight.
"Um, maybe everyone should step back," Izuku commented warily. Uraraka was already sprinting for the building behind them, with Mei not far behind her.
"Why is everyone running?" Kaminari asked, looking around in confusion.
"Dude, don't question it. That's the crazy chick the Crimson Demons were always raving about, and Yunyun says she's nuts," Kirishima stated as he dragged his friend away. "Come on, let's get behind cover."
"Yes! You should all beware, for I shall unleash my full power!" Megumin roared as she stuck her hands up in the air, a staff forming in her hands to her surprise. She didn't let on, instead intoning, "Darkness, blacker than black, deeper than the void, come forth now at thy mistresses command!"
Kazuma took a step behind Darkness, who had planted herself against what they knew was coming. He noticed that the teacher's eyes suddenly glowed, his hair floating about his head as Megumin chanted.
"EXPLOSION!" Megumin roared as she flung the ball, and of course, a massive fireball erupted. It wasn't her biggest one, she was obviously holding back, but the ball hit the shockwave and was launched out of sight. They really went through the softballs at this school.
"Ehehehehe. How many points, Kazuma?" Megumin giggled from her position flat on her back.
Kazuma rubbed his chin as their classmates slowly returned. "Well, I noticed that one wasn't full power, so I have to give you credit there. You clearly timed it well, so that the ball would catch the shockwave just right. I give you full points for technique, but I have to take a few off for power. Eighty five points."
"Well. Congratulations. You turned your ball to ash mid-flight, so I can't mark where it landed," their teacher deadpanned. "So, since I didn't get a number-"
"The ball was mostly intact during flight, but I last saw it intact upon entering the lower part of the stratosphere at about 25 kilometers," Mei piped up. "That was a great explosion, Megumin, let me try next!"
"Will that even work?" Megumin asked as Kazuma picked her up and carried her back over to the class. "I mean, I'm not a you-know-what anymore either."
"Eh, it's probably fine, they said I could keep my spells and gear so I think we'll be alright. Which is good because my quirk is just Zoom which makes my eyesight very good," Mei remarked.
All the while their teacher was looking out at the field, studying the crater as well as where the last located location was for the ball. From the way his brow twitched, Kazuma guessed he was developing a migraine. Aizawa glanced at Megumin, who gave him a smug grin. "That was impressive, but it doesn't mean anything if you-"
"Drain Touch," Kazuma said, resting his hand on Darkness' leg, the other on Megumin's head as she lay on the ground.
Darkness let out a throaty moan, which made most of their classmates wince and awkwardly look away.
"Wait, is she…?" Kaminari asked, a blush staining his cheeks.
"Have a care, Kazuma," Tokoyami growled. "She is my lover, not yours."
"Oh relax bird brain, she's got stamina to spare," Kazuma said. He stopped the spell, dusting off his hands and standing. "There, that should be good."
"Yes, I am ready for my next spell!" Megumin agreed eagerly, jumping to her feet. "I would like to see you do better, Yunyun!"
"Um, ok." Yunyun moved forward, taking the ball.
"I'm saying it now: the next person to blow up the field completely is getting expelled," their teacher warned.
"Oh! Ah, I'm not doing that," Yunyun nervously said. She looked up, pointing to the moon, which was faintly visible in the morning sun. "What if I hit the moon?"
"Well, then you'd score rather well, wouldn't you?" Aizawa stated blandly.
Yunyun grinned. "Great! Advanced Teleport!" The ball vanished in her hands. "Um, you'll have to take my word that the ball's on the moon, I can't really go check…"
Aizawa stared blankly at Yunyun, then looked at his small watch, nodded, and made a note on his device. "Right. 385,000km, that's the moon. Good work."
"What?! You can't teleport the ball to the Moon! You can only teleport it to places you've been, Yunyun!" Megumin ranted.
Aizawa paused, looking up at this new information. "Is that true?"
"W-well, normally, yes, b-but I put extra points in Teleport! Honest! I can teleport objects to anywhere I can see, and, well, I can see the moon, so…"
Aizawa sighed. "That just raises more questions I probably won't like the answer to. We'll be having a talk later. In any case, distance is essentially unlimited anyway. The score stands."
"Oh, now it's my turn," Uraraka said, cracking her knuckles and grinning.
Kazuma sighed. "You're going to use the same trick I just thought of, aren't you?"
"Well it's what I did last time! I mean, um, the last time I bet my friends. Or something," Uraraka said. She took the ball, touched it lightly, then tossed it up into the air, casually watching as it rose until it vanished from sight.
Aizawa tapped something on his pad, then held it up. Uraraka grinned and pumped her fist. The pad read, ∞.
Kazuma, of course, repeated the trick, though his results were rather less impressive as his Feather spell only reduced an object's weight, not totally eliminating the effects of gravity, still resulting in a fine score of 450 meters before it wore off. Mei had cobbled together a small pocket rocket , and her ball had traveled about a thousand meters before blowing up. Aizawa counted it to the last point before impact, at which point Kazuma decided that the test was more about how smart you were about applying your abilities, not what score you got. As he said this outloud, Aizawa simply stared at him in judgement that it took this long to sink in.
The really interesting thing though was when Midoriya stepped up. When he threw the ball, it traveled a paltry 70 meters, not even beating out Aqua. However, Kazuma also noticed that Aizawa's hair and eyes behaved oddly again, and started to wonder just what that meant.
"I've told you before, if you destroy yourself with your quirk, you won't be able to save anyone, " Aizawa growled at Midoriya.
"Sir, don't worry. I've got this," Midoriya assured. "I've been practicing since the entrance exam."
Aizawa shrugged. "Fine, but if you break your arm, I'm not sending you to the nurse. You'll have to spend the rest of the test that way."
"No he won't, I'll just Heal him!" Aqua snapped.
Aizawa raised an eyebrow at her. "And if I told you not to?"
"Then I would do it anyway, because he's my friend," Aqua sniffed. "And you would be a big stupid meany."
"Not listening to the teacher is a good way to get yourself expelled. You already have the lowest score," Aizawa pointed out.
Aqua planted her hands on her hips. "Well then you're dumb! A real hero has to do what's right, even if people tell them not to! Even if it means I get a lower score than Midoriya, I'll still help him! Besides, maybe I don't want to be in your dumb class! I can be a hero just fine on my own, right Kazuma!?"
"Sure, whatever," Kazuma said with a shrug. "I'm sure we could make some cash beating up low level villains or whatever. 'Cause if you're not sticking around neither am I."
"Or me! If you expel Aqua, you have to expel me too!" Megumin declared.
"Oh just relax, he's lying anyway," Bakugo said, rolling his eyes. "He does these stupid logical deceptions. He's not going to expell you so just cool your tits."
Aizawa studied Bakugo. "And what if it wasn't a logical deception. What if I decided allowing you to become a hero would unleash a menace to society?"
Bakugo flushed, his lips forming a snarl of anger. "Then I-"
"Bakugo, control yourself," Iris snapped. "This is no behavior for a knight."
The sound of Bakugo grinding his teeth was audible, but he didn't say anything further. Aizawa nodded, motioning for Midoriya to throw the ball. He stepped up to the plate, arm crackling with power. As he threw the ball, a gale of wind whipped up, and there was a deafening sonic boom.
"Ow," Izuku said, wincing and flexing his arm as the dust settled. "I think I overdid it. Might have strained the muscle."
"Heal!" Aqua said. And then stuck her tongue out at Aizawa.
"Right. Well, you didn't break your arm at least, so I suppose I'll count that," Aizawa sighed. "But you still need better control."
"Yes sir, sorry. Next time I'll hold back a little more. I um, wanted to show off," Izuku admitted.
"No showboating," Aizawa said. "It's a waste of energy. Still, you were just short of low Earth Orbit. So 1,000 km. Next is Iris."
"Just watch me Big Bro!" Iris said with a grin, running up to the plate.
"Who's this chick?" Kaminari wondered aloud. "And why does she call that guy Big Bro? Are you two related or something?"
"It's, er, a long story," Kazuma hesitated to say. He was still curious as to how Iris was alive, and apparently the same age as him. Which seemed to be about sixteen.
Iris took the ball, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath. Then her eyes snapped open. "SACRED SWORD TECHNIQUE!" She sent the ball soaring, nearly as hard as Midoriya had, sending it well over the horizon, and earning herself a respectable 500km.
After that the other students went, most of them managing fairly impressive scores, with Darkness getting a decent 103 meters. Which meant that Aqua was firmly in last place. The rest of the tests were the sort of thing Kazuma expected from a field day, from the 100 meter dash, to pull ups, situps, and push ups. He didn't try very hard, just doing well enough not to end up too near the bottom. His best event was probably the standing long jump since he had the Acrobatics skill and could jump quite high when he wanted to.
Aqua, of course, came in dead last in every single event.
"I'm going to get expelled!" Aqua wailed, crying as they assembled for the rankings.
"Shut up!" Bakugo barked. "I told you he was lying!"
"I wasn't lying, and I'm considering expelling a number of you," Aizawa snapped. "I've seen insubordination, lackadaisical attitudes, heard literal discussions of how to rob villains, and a sheer lack of attempting to understand how to put power to use. This is why I will be -"
Kazuma stepped closer to Hatsume, whispering something in her ear. She nodded, and pushed her way forward as Aizawa continued his lecture.
"LOOK! A DISTRACTION!" Hatsume cried, pointing behind their teacher.
That brought Aizawa up short, and he turned his attention to Mei. "What? What was even the point of that? Are you-" Aizawa glanced at his hand, which was now empty, his PDA gone. "Alright, very funny what are you-"
Kazuma passed the PDA back to Yunyun, who muttered, "Teleport!" and the pad appeared back in Aizawa's hand.
"...right. Some of you seem to be taking this seriously, but others are-"
"Hey teach, check your numbers," Kazuma called. "Might want to reconsider before you decide to expel anyone."
"I know what the numbers say, they-" Aizawa paused, checking his device. Kazuma grinned.
"Well. It seems I won't be expelling the lowest scoring individual after all." Aizawa looked up at Aqua, who was still sniveling. "You've got some growing up to do. But at least you seem to have a basic concept of teamwork. Back to class. We've apparently wasted enough time."
"What did you do?" Eris asked Kazuma as they walked back to get changed again.
Kazuma grinned. "I put Aizawa's name down as having the lowest scores. I figured this was just a test to see if we were smart enough to figure out how to use our abilities to pass. So, when Hatsume yelled, I used Steal and took his pad."
"That's rather clever," Iida remarked as they entered the changing room. "But not at all how this event works, or even how expulsion criteria are chosen."
"Well, I won, so who cares?" Kazuma shrugged. "Besides, I can't let Aqua stay home all day. She'd eat all my snacks and get into my stuff."
"You two...are siblings then?" Todoroki asked, frowning. "You seem to know those girls rather well."
"Nah, we're just in the same apartment," Kazuma waved off. "Though I admit Aqua's sort of like my stupid annoying cousin or something at this point."
"That's a fucking understatement," Bakugo muttered. "Should have let that blue haired bimbo fix her own problems. Don't know why Eris looks up to her, she seems dumber than a sack of bricks."
Kazuma smiled, then pointed a finger at Bakugo. "Freeze!"
The other boy let out a yelp, then made to attack Kazuma, murder in his eyes.
"Lurk."
Bakugo, half naked, stumbled through where Kazuma had been, looking around wildly. "You don't get to do that kind of shit, Shifty! You hear me! You slippery little-"
"Katsuki?" Midoriya said, stepping forward. "Aqua's my friend. I'd appreciate it if you didn't insult her. Even if she is...um, a little odd at times. And don't try to kill Kazuma either."
"The fuck is it to you, nerd?" Bakugo demanded, his eyebrows twitching.
"We're buddies," Kazuma said, reappearing and leaning against Midoriya's shoulder. Was it just him, or had the other boy shrunk a little? It was a little hard to tell, since Kazuma was pretty sure he was a few centimeters shorter himself. "So, you mess with me, you mess with Midoriya. And I saw him drop kick, um, let's just say something real big and tough. So you don't scare me."
"Hiding behind friends, huh?" Bakugo snarled. "Well, maybe you and I will just have to-"
There was a sudden pounding on the wall that divided the boys and girls locker rooms. "KATSUKI! STOP PICKING ON MY BIG BRO! I ORDER YOU TO STOP!" Iris' voice bellowed.
"SHUT UP WOMAN, YOU'RE NOT THE QUEEN HERE!" Bakugo shouted back.
"DO YOU ABANDON YOUR OATHS SO EASILY? SHALL I CALL YOU KATSUKI THE OATH BREAKER!" Iris demanded
Bakugo flushed, in either embarrassment or anger. "FINE! BUT YOU'RE TELLING ME WHY THE F-FRICK HE'S YOUR BIG BROTHER!"
"Quiet down and get changed!" Aizawa's voice snapped them from their shouting match.
Bakugo ground his teeth again, but complied, limiting himself to death glares in Kazuma's direction. Kazuma, for his part, blew back a kiss.
"Hey, maybe don't antagonize Katsuki," Izuku warned, nudging Kazuma. "He's my friend too, you know. Plus, he might literally make you explode."
"Seriously? You're friends with Captain Asshole over there?" Kazuma asked incredulously. "You're like, the nicest guy I know. He has the personality of a fire drake with a sore tooth."
"Dragon!" Bakugo snapped. "I'm not some weak-ass fire drake!"
"Well that explains why Iris has you whipped," Kazuma shot back. "Because she spanks dragons before breakfast!"
"Right, I'm putting a stop to this," Iida said, pointing at Kazuma. "Silence." He pointed again at Bakugo. "Silence as well."
Kazuma rolled his eyes and opened his mouth, before stopping as no sound came out.
"Thank you," Todoroki said. "That was getting irritating."
Bakugo waved his hands and lit off a few silent explosions, making rude gestures in both Iida's and Kazuma's direction.
"I'm not lifting it until you both behave," Iida said stubbornly. He glanced at Kazuma, who was pulling down one eyelid while he flipped Bakugo off. "Perhaps I should have Kaminari shock both of you."
"Oh I'm up for it!" Kaminari laughed. "Wait 'til you get a load of my powers!"
"Where'd you learn a Silence spell?" Midioriya asked curiously.
Iida flushed. "Er, it's part of my quirk. Don't be absurd, magic doesn't exist."
"Dude, even I can figure out something's going on," Kaminari said, patting Iida on the shoulder. "Bet they had the same thing happen we did."
"We're supposed to keep it a secret though!" Iida hissed.
"We'll talk about it later," Todoroki said, finishing tying his shoe. "Come on. We must be perfectly prepared, lest Aizawa fulfill his threat."
Kazuma quickly got his school uniform back on, then headed back to class.
"Right," Aizawa said as he massaged his face. "Now it's time for introductions. Apparently, some of you know each other already, but I need a few minutes, as someone replaced all my white board markers with sharpies," Aizawa growled. "I am going to murder that woman. You, Yunyun, you're first."
"Um, ok!" Yunyun hurried to the front of the class, giving a quick bow. "Um, my name is Yunyun, and I am from, er,-"
"Tokyo!" Sero hissed.
"T-tokyo, um, my quirk is-"
"This is all wrong!" Megumin said, suddenly bolting up. "Yunyun, you are a disgrace to our culture!"
Yunyun flushed. "What? No! I'm giving a proper introduction, Megumin!"
"If you do not give a real, proper introduction in the way of our people, I will not let you pet Chomesuke for a week! I will steal your lunch every day! And I will no longer be your rival!" Megumin ranted.
Yunyun blinked. "Chomesuke is here? Um, but, I don't think-"
"Just get it over with," Aizawa ordered as he bent over and rummaged through his desk.
Yunyun sighed heavily. Then she leapt up on top of Mr. Aizawa's desk, causing him to jerk and bang his head on it.
"BEHOLD! I am Yunyun! Archwizard of the Crimson Demon Clan!" Yunyun proclaimed, her eyes glowing with a crimson light as she assumed a ridiculous pose. "I am she whose quirk is Advanced Magics, knowing dozens of mighty spells! Villains and demons tremble at my coming! I am she who shall one day become the Number 1 Heroine, and have the most friends of any in the Crimson Demon clan!"
The Yunyun blushed. "Um, sorry! T-that's how Crimson Demon's are supposed to introduce themselves, I know it's a little silly but-"
"That's enough, it's my turn!" Megumin ordered. Just as Mr. Aizawa reappeared from under the desk, Megumin jumped up on top of it, spilling his cup of coffee all over his face. She shoved Yunyun off the desk, summoning her staff from nowhere and striking an even more absurd pose. "BEHOLD! I AM MEGUMIN! DARK GODDESS OF THE CRIMSON DEMON CULT! I AM SHE WHO IS MISTRESS OF EXPLOSION MAGIC, THE MOST POWERFUL OF ALL QUIRKS! ASSEMBLE! TOKUSENTAI SQUAD!"
Hatsume jumped up out of her seat, posing below Megumin. "Behold! I am Mei Hatsume! High Priestess of the Crimson Demon cult! I am she who shall make the cutest babies ever, and who has the strongest husband in class! Hi Izuku!"
Midoriya blushed, and waved shyly. Kazuma, for his part, was struggling not to laugh.
"I am Darkness! She who is toughest amidst the the Tokusentai Squad of Adventurers!" Darkness said as she struck a pose beside the desk. "I am she who enjoys nothing more than facing strong villains and monsters, using my body as a shield for my allies!"
With a sigh, Uraraka got up and walked up, striking her own pose next to Hatsume. "Behold! I am Ochako Uraraka. Sanest of the Tokusentai, she who really hopes that Mr. Aizawa doesn't expel us for this, and who will one day be the richest hero in Japan!"
"Psst!" Megumin hissed. "Aqua!"
"But I'm not part of the Crimson Demon Cult, I'm-oh! Well, I guess it wouldn't hurt!" Aqua scampered up, jumping up on the desk, only to slip and fall on spilled coffee, landing on Mr. Aizawa.
"THAT'S IT!" the teacher roared.
"No it's not!" Aqua gasped. She scrambled up on the desk, standing on her tiptoes to peer over Megumin. "I am Aqua! She who is most beautiful amidst the Tokusentai Adventurer Squad! I am master of healing magics, and she who has accepted her lot in life, even if that means I have to be a mortal!"
"TOKUSENTAI!" the five girls cried, echoed by Yunyun as she struck a pose alongside them.
Aizawa slowly stood, dripping with coffee, his left eye twitching. "Are you done?"
"Yes," Megumin said, hopping down off the desk. "That is how you do a proper introduction."
She took a bow, and Kazuma and Izuku clapped politely. A moment later, the rest of their classmates gave scattered applause as well.
"Right." Aizawa took a pad of paper out of his desk, grabbed a pen, and wrote five quick notes. Then, he considered, wrote another one, and handed it to Yunyun.
"I want you to know, Megumin, that if I get expelled, I'm charging you for my tuition," Uraraka said with a heavy sigh as she took the note from Mr. Aizawa. She took one look at it, and burst out laughing.
"I am sending you all to the nurse," Aizawa ground out. "Before I strangle all of you."
"What is 'Chunibyo?'" Megumin asked. "Is that a dark, terrible disease? Because I only contract diseases that are sufficiently dramatic."
"Why do we have Middle Two Disease?" Hatsume asked, sounding puzzled. "I do not feel sick."
"Pff, I can cure this disease, we don't have to go to the nurse," Aqua said with a dismissive wave of her hand.
"No, you do, because if you don't, I'm going to kill you, then expel you," Aizawa growled. "In 3...2…"
There was a rush for the door, and the five girls (and Yunyun) hurried from the classroom.
"Right," Aizawa said, glaring around the room. "Does anyone else feel like making a fool of themselves?"
"Um, here sir," Yaoyorozu said. She pointed at Aizawa and chanted, "Cleanse."
The coffee vanished from Aizawa's face and clothes, and he started, looking at Yaoyorozu in shock.
"Um, sorry, I just...you look like you could use some help," Yaoyorozu said.
"Right. That's...new. What the hell is wrong with my paperwork? The rest of you are going to introduce yourselves. Normally," Aizawa ground out. He glared at Kazuma. "Any objections?"
"Yo. I'm Kazuma," Kazuma said, standing and walking to the front of the class. "My quirk, I guess it's Adventurer? I can do a lot of minor things that are Adventurer skills. Like this. Create Rations!" He held out a roll to Mr. Aizawa. "Want one? They're pretty good."
Aizawa took the roll, examining it. "That's interesting, and potentially very good for relief situations. Fine. Go sit down. I'm taking a damn nap. The rest of you better not wake me up."
Kazuma passed out snacks to everyone in the class as Aizawa took out a face mask and slipped it over his eyes, leaning back in his chair. He wasn't really fooling anyone though, Kazuma could tell he was watching them like a hawk. He listened to the introductions of most of the students with half an ear. He just didn't want to look like he cared that much. However, he sat up when it was Iris' turn.
"I am Her Majesty Iris Stylish Sword Belzerg the Second, Defender of the Realm, Protector of the Faith of Eris," she declared, standing with her sword tip planted on the ground, her hands resting on the pommel. "My quirk is Royal Blood of Heroes, which enables me to use Advanced Magics and summon the Holy Sword Caliber. I shall train here, in this world, then one day return to Belzerg and free my people!"
Aizawa lifted his face mask, frowning. "Do I need to write another note?"
"No, honored teacher," Iris said, bowing respectfully. "You merely said to introduce myself. I see no need for lies here, amidst those who would be my comrades and instructors."
Aizawa groaned softly. "I picked a bad year to quit smoking. Fine. You're the last one, Bakugo."
Bakugo grabbed his axe and slung it over his shoulder. He stood at the front of the class looking around. "I'm Katsuki Bakugo. My Quirk is Explosion. I blow stuff up." Then he made to go sit back down.
"If you do not introduce yourself properly, Bakugo, I am revoking your titles!" Iris snapped.
Bakugo glared at her. "What does it matter?! We're not there anymore!"
Iris glared right back. "I told you, I shall return and reclaim my throne, and free my people! Will you abandon your oath?"
Bakugo worked his jaw for a moment, then snapped his axe up in a salute, a manic grin appearing on his face. "I am Sir Katsuki Bakugo, Dragon Knight of Belzerg. I wield the Holy Axe Vaelastrasz, and am the sworn Shield of her Grace, Queen Iris."
Then Bakugo lowered the axe back to his shoulder and turned to Aizawa with a dead look on his face. "Guess I'm gonna need one of those nurse's notes for chunibyo too, teach."
In response, Aizawa took out a bottle of prescription strength tylenol from his desk and popped a pill into his mouth, swallowing it dry. He looked at the clock, and seemed to be waiting for something. After about 30 seconds of awkward silence, the bell rang. "Right. You go to lunch. I'm going to decide if I should expel you all, or just resign my position, because-"
"Aizawa!" a green haired woman Kazuma had never seen called, sticking her head in the room. "We need to talk! Have lunch with me?"
"Fukukado, I am slowly going insane, that, or I accidentally signed a bunch of lunatics up for my course," Aizawa sighed as the class hurried out the door. "You can eat lunch with me, only if you bought cigarettes."
"Glad I'm not the only one," the other teacher muttered, but smiled and pulled a pack out of her pocket. "I was going to use these as a joke, but I think I could use one too now. Come on, we'll eat on the roof!"
"Wait, what's Ms. Joke doing here?" Midoriya asked as they headed for the cafeteria.
Kazuma shrugged. "You tell me. This sure as hell isn't the Japan I remember. The future is weird."
"Kazuma, ix-nay onway ethay uture-fay," Midoriya hissed. "Ey-they ontday ownay!"
"Eway aren'tway upidstay, erdnay," Bakugo said.
"Did they have a stroke?" Kaminari asked, looking confused. "Why are they speaking in gibberish? You think they spoke that way in whatever world they ended up in, Todoroki?"
"It's pig latin, Kaminari," Todoroki said seriously. "Midoriya's trying to obscure the fact that Kazuma is from another world, and Bakugo is being an ass."
"Look, if Kaminari's figured it out, I'm pretty sure the rest of us have too," Kirishima sighed. "Come on. Let's go find somewhere private to talk, because man, I am still confused as hell. Like, Eris, it's good to see you and all, but what the heck are you doing here?"
"Um, we should talk in private," Eris said, blushing.
"Young Midoriya!" A booming voice called, and Kazuma turned to see someone that looked like he'd stepped out of a comic book standing there in a suit, smiling down at them while holding a sack lunch. "Come have lunch with me!"
"Um, yeah, that's a good idea, All MIght" Izuku blushed. "Um, Mei will need to come too, though. Kazuma, try not to do anything too stupid or start a fight, please."
"Hey! I'll have you know, I am usually the responsible one in my party," Kazuma protested.
"Yeah, because if someone screws up, you're responsible," Bakugo muttered.
Kazuma narrowed his eyes. "Little sis, we need to seriously talk about your supposed boyfriend."
"He's not really my boyfriend," Iris said casually. "More of my First Prince of the Sword. You know, like a fiance."
That made All Might do a double take, as both Bakugo and Kazuma started to shout protests.
"THE FUCK I AM! I DID NOT SIGN UP FOR-"
"-NOT ALLOW MY SISTER TO DATE, LET ALONE MARRY, A MASSIVE ASSHOLE!"
"What?! Young Bakugo, what are you and this young lady-"
"Let's...let's go, All Might," Midoriya interrupted, grabbing the larger man by the arm and dragging him away with a resolute face. "We really do need to talk."
Kazuma for his part, held out his hand towards Bakugo, ready to kill the son of a bitch "I swear, I-"
Suddenly, Chunchunmaru fell into Kazuma's hand. He looked down at it, surprised. "Huh. Didn't know I could do that."
"Come on, Big Bro," Iris said, linking her arm with Kazuma's. "We really do need to talk, but I'm hungry. This is your home country, right? You and Katsuki can show me all sorts of great Japanese cuisine!"
"Yeah, sure," Kazuma agreed, glaring at Bakugo. Bakugo grinned at him, making a "bring it" gesture as Iris linked her arms with the volatile blond. "Anything for my little sis."