Percussive Maintenance

From the ashes a fire shall be woken, A light from the shadows shall sheen; Renewed shall be blade that was broken, The crownless again shall be queen.

-The prophecy of Eris (which she definitely didn't Steal)

Iris sat alone in the woods, sharpening her sword. It was, in fact, a complete waste of time. Calibur was a Sacred Weapon, and hence did not need sharpening. But she had to do something with her hands, or they would start trembling again, and she'd start crying.

Besides, the woods were a pleasant distraction as well, filled with life. Sunlight shone through green trees, and birds called in the branches. It was a respite in all forms from the death and destruction that filled Iris's past, present, and future. Maybe there would even be some monsters trying to ruin such a scene for her to take out her anger on. She'd been idle for too long.

Two hundred years. It had been nearly 200 years since she'd been sealed away, wounded and near to death. Her father and older brother had died years before, in the last defense of Belzerg while she was smuggled away. One by one, her guardians had fallen. Claire had been killed in an ambush, her flesh melted from her bones by the enemy before Iris could even try to save her. Rain had died teleporting Iris to safety. Dust had been eaten alive by an unrelenting tide of undead.

Iris had sought refuge in Elroad, but they'd tried to hand her over to the Lord of the Tomb to curry favor. It hadn't helped them. Elroad had been put to the sword, save for a few who had the 'privilege' of becoming human livestock. The elves, the dwarves, every nation on the planet who'd tried to resist, they'd all been slaughtered. Now, only monsters and ashes remained.

Well. The Belzerg family line had once carved a kingdom out of the wilderness with the sword. It was time to do it again.

"I'll fight like you would have, big bro." Iris whispered, thinking of Kazuma. He'd tried to stop the Lord of the Tomb too, and he'd been one of the first to die. If she were honest with herself, even with the help of the Crimson Demon Clan, those two strangers, and the supposed Prophecy of Eris, Iris was pretty certain she was going to die too. She just had to make sure she dragged as many monsters as possible into Hell with her.

Iris heard someone coming up behind her, turning her head cautiously. She grimaced when she saw who it was: that vile ruffian, Bakugo. He was rude, obnoxious, and violent. Also probably the best fighter they had aside from Iris. That galled her. Why couldn't Sero be the stronger of the pair? At least he was properly deferential.

Turning back to her task, Iris did her best to ignore Bakugo. Attention only encouraged his sort.

But of course, he still came right towards her. "The hell you doing, wandering off? Jesus fucking Christ, you're supposed to be the leader or whatever. You sit your ass down in some random forest, get your stupid self killed, the hell are we supposed to do then?"

"When one addresses the queen, typically they refrain from such uncouth language," Iris said through gritted teeth, looking up to meet Bakugo's gaze despite her earlier intentions.

Bakugo glanced around. "Shit, you aren't any queen of mine. Plus, what are you even queen of at this point? A couple dozen wackos in funny clothes? A bunch of starving weaklings? Truly you're a sovereign for the ages."

Iris stood, cold fury burning in her belly. "They are still the people of Belzerg. I shall restore my nation. Why did you come here, fool. To start a fight? Remind me, how did our last one go?"

"I don't know, we keep getting interrupted. I'd be glad to find out though." Bakugo laughed, a mad grin on his face.

They'd fought more than once, to the ire of their companions. Really, they fought whenever it wasn't time for a raid or mission. But Bakugo was the only one who could even come close to keeping up with Iris amongst the group. It wasn't that the others didn't try when they sparred, they knew not to hold back when facing Royalty. But even the Crimson Demon's couldn't handle Iris, not even two on one. Yunyun and Sero had given it a shot, but when she cut loose, Iris had destroyed them in short order.

Bakugo, on the other hand, gave her a challenge. Oh, so many challenges.

"If it is a beating you desire, I shall be more than happy to provide!" Iris snarled, and charged forward, moving far faster than a normal human could react.

And yet, Bakugo caught the swing of her sword on the haft of his axe, a manic laugh bubbling out. "That still the best you can do? Come on, little girl! I thought you were tough!"

He tried blasting her with that damnable quirk of his, but Iris had started expecting that by now. She jumped away, firing off a stream of fireballs, lightning, and ice magic as she flew through the air. She'd studied hard in the years of her exile before her final defeat, and had mastered dozens of combat skills, including Advanced and Intermediate Magic. She was level 100, the highest possible, something people had once thought impossible for any mortal to attain. Her class was Rune Knight, the most powerful offensive class for both magic and melee.

And yet she had lost against the Demiurge. Even worse, somehow, Bakugo, a random boy from another world, countered her every move. He flew through the woods, propelled by his blasts, launching attacks of his own; fireballs from his axe, or bursts of heat and smoke from his hands. Trees were reduced to splinters, the earth heaved and trembled, and animals and monsters of all kinds fled in terror from their conflict. The idyllic clearing was no more.

"Why do you insist on making my life a living hell!" Iris screamed as she and Bakugo battered away at one another with their weapons. Neither were bothering to block: Bakugo had gained dozens of levels in his short time in Belzerg, having picked the Berserker class. He could quickly regenerate any wounds he suffered, while Iris trusted her natural durability.

"Hell?! HELL!? THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW ABOUT HELL!" Bakugo roared, unleashing a wave of blasts that drove Iris back momentarily. "I FUCKING DIED YOU BITCH! THIS IS MY HELL!"

"You think you are in hell?" Iris roared, countering with a series of magic sword skills that drove Bakugo to the ground, his axe clattering aside. "I watched everything and everyone I knew and loved die before my eyes! And yet, I lived! Why! Why must I continue this wretched life, when all others die?! They gave their life, for what? So I could be queen of these ashes!?"

Panting for breath, Iris finally paused, her sword poised over Bakugo's throat, her eyes burning with rage. He lay beneath her, his struggles finally over, his axe a dozen yards away.

"Do you yield?" Iris demanded.

"Fuck off with that bullshit. If you have to ask that shit, just kill me already! It doesn't matter what I do, I'm still heading to a worse hell!" Tears of frustration and anger appeared in Bakugo's eyes, which only seemed to further enrage him. "I won't yield till you get off that high horse of yours and act like an actual leader! You won't be able to do shit till you do!"

"So?" Iris snapped. "I have killed many, not just undead and monsters, but traitorous humans as well. I will hardly care about ending your noxious life."

Bakugo started to laugh, his entire body shaking. "That's fucking rich! I'm a dick, an asshole, and I'll gladly admit it. But I don't try and cover my own ass with self-pity and lies. We're gonna have to do some terrible shit, so get over yourself and stop acting like you're about to cut yourself with that overhyped letter opener."

"I would hardly hate you if you did not insist on being so vile to me," Iris said, lowering her sword in disgust.

"You don't hate me 'cause I swear at you, you don't even hate me because I'm a jerk to you!" Bakugo giggled maniacally. "You hate me because I'm the only one of them that doesn't bow and scrape, and treat you like the queen of the damn universe!"

"That is a lie!" Iris roared, slamming her fist into the earth beside Bakugo's head hard enough that it left a crater and threw up chunks of rock.

"Oh, is it?" Bakugo sneered with blood around his lips. "Well, then maybe it's because I'm the only one strong enough, and with enough balls that I actually can give you a run for your money in a fight, your royal bitchiness!"

"It doesn't matter! I beat you! You'll die like the rest when the time comes," Iris snarled. She stood and turned away from Bakugo. "Not even you are strong enough, Bakugo. You're not worth the-"

There was a blast, and then something slammed into Iris's back. She found Bakugo sprawled on top of her, and struggled to get her sword up to skewer the wretch.

"Playtime's over," Bakugo growled, slowly standing and wiping the blood from his nose and face. "They're here."

Glancing behind them, Iris felt her stomach lurch. There stood the forces of Nazarick; ranks of Dread Knights and liches and behind them, huddled masses of human slaves.

"No…" Iris whispered. She had seen this before.

"Ach, Frauline, it is been so long since ve have seen you!" a strange man in an even stranger uniform chuckled as he gave Iris and Bakugo a sweeping bow as they rose to their feet. "I confess, Herr Demiurge and I, ve thought you vere dead! I vas thinking I vas hunting those schmutzig Crimson Demons, ja? But it is you! The long lost heir. And a friend! I do hope ve are not interrupting anything."

"Who the fuck are you?" Bakugo demanded, taking up his axe. "You look like some rip off Nazi prick!"

"Ah, Verzeihen Sie mir, Sir. I am so rude! Before you stands Pandora's Actor! Son of the Great Ainz Ooal Gown himself, and Area Guardian of the great tomb," the strange being said, giving another sweeping bow, then continuing to babble.

"Bakugo, listen. They're going to sacrifice those people," Iris whispered, never taking her eyes from the gesticulating madman before them. "When they do, it will summon forth dark young. They are deadly dangerous. Together, perhaps we can defeat them, but it may be wise for us to flee. I exhausted many of my spells, and we are both injured."

"They sacrifice the people? Kill them?" Bakugo hissed.

Iris nodded. "Those mages, they have special items. They offer the souls of the humans as fuel for the ritual that calls forth-"

"NOBODY ELSE DIES TODAY!" Bakugo roared, launching himself forward, and slamming into Pandora's actor even as his body rippled and the generalisimo took on the form of a knight in shining silver armor. "IRIS, GO!"

Somehow, Iris managed to keep her poise, and chanted, "Flash Step!"

She appeared next to one of the liches that had been about to begin the ritual spell. She killed it with a stroke, then sent a Light of Sabre into the rest of the group as Bakugo fought Pandora's actor, who had shifted again into the form of a great metallic beetle with a bident. The slaves gasped, looking at her in awe, but Iris didn't have time. She used Flash Step again, appearing next to the second group of liches. She raised Caliber and-

"ALL GLORY TO AINZ OOAL GOWN!" the liches wailed, and with a moan the souls were sucked from the second group of slaves, their bodies crumpling to the ground. Iris screamed in rage, cutting down the spellcasters, but it was too late. A dark portal sprang open, and she could hear the bleating of goats.

"NO!" Iris roared. "NOT AGAIN!" she turned to the first group of slaves, who were cowering in terror. "Don't stand there! RUN! YOUR QUEEN COMMANDS YOU!"

The slaves broke into a panicked sprint, and Iris braced herself as the dark young emerged from the portal, it's seven hooves pawing at the dirt.

"IRIS, MOVE YOU STUPID BITCH!" Bakugo roared.

Just in time, Iris realized the Dread Knights had been surrounding her, and Flash Stepped to Bakugo's side, where he was still fighting Pandora's actor. The strange shapeshifter was pressing Bakugo back, and the boy was bleeding from more wounds despite his best efforts.

"Oh ho! Naughty, naughty, Fraulein! But worry not, those humans shall not get far! When I am finished with you, I shall-"

"LIGHT OF SABRE!" a dozen voices roared, and spears of light blasted the ranks of Dread Knights to Dust.

"Vhat!? The Crimson Demons?!" Pandora's Actor cried. "Ache, but it matters not, ve-"

"Now, Bakugo!" Iris cried. "Together!"

"On you!" Bakugo agreed, and as one they rushed at Pandora's Actor, Bakugo screaming, "DIE!" as Iris roared, "SACRED EXPLODE!" Both attacks took the shape shifter dead on, and he staggered back, stunned by the sudden reversal.

The Nazerick general didn't die just from that, but from there Iris and Bakugo seemed to fall into a rhythm, trading off blows, never letting their foe have a moment's peace. The shapeshifter fought back furiously, scoring several hits on both Iris and Bakugo as he danced between a dozen different forms, from a bird like creature, to a slime, to various inhuman warriors. Still, he never was able to regain momentum, especially not when Crimson Demons fired off spells into his back.

Several times, the shapeshifter nearly killed Iris or Bakugo, pressing them hard and inflicting serious wounds, but each time the other would intervene, giving them enough breathing room to get back into the fight, while the monster fought on alone, his minions falling to the Crimson Demons.

At last, Pandora's Actor staggered back reverting to his base form, his coat ripped and burned, his mask cracked and bleeding. "How?! This is impossible, you were not this strong!"

"FINISH HIM OFF!" Bakugo laughed, raising an open hand.

"DIE!" Iris screamed at the same time as Bakugo, and their twin blasts shredded the monstrosity, leaving nothing behind but ashes.

Panting, Iris fell into a guard position, raising Caliber, but it wasn't needed. The dark young gave one final pained bleat, then erupted in flames as Komekko called down an Explosion spell, the blast buffeting Iris and Bakugo.

"God damn, what the hell is wrong with you two?!" Sero shouted, running forward to Bakugo and Iris and taking out a kit of healing supplies. "You drew them down nearly on top of us!"

"We were...training," Iris gasped, glancing at Bakugo. "Sir Bakugo and I had some...issues...to work out."

Bakugo eyed Iris, but shrugged and didn't say anything as Sero grumbled and began to treat their wounds. "You're damn lucky we got here when we did. Those guys would have been too much, even for the two of you."

Iris winced as Sero applied a salve. "The slaves, are they…?"

"I got them out of there, then Yunyun teleported them to safety," Sero said, shaking his head. "Couple of them got caught by the Dread Knights before I got there, but, well, we saved most of them."

"Then today was a victory," Iris said, closing her eyes. For once, she'd managed to save at least some of her people. She wouldn't let herself dwell on those she'd failed.

Later that night, once they'd moved to a new location, Iris was alone once more, having withdrawn into her tent. She lay on her pallet, unable to sleep, her mind going back over the fight from the day before.

"Hey. Knock knock," Bakugo's voice called. "Um, I wanna talk."

Wrapping herself in a blanket, Iris pushed aside her tent flap and crawled out, finding Bakugo squatting a few feet from her tent, looking pensive for a change. "What is it?'

"What's this 'Sir Bakugo' shit?" he demanded. "I'm not a fucking knight. Knights are honorable bastards. They got manners, have a code or whatever. In case you didn't get the memo, I'm heading straight for hell."

Iris shook her head. "You saved my life today. And the lives of my people."

"Yeah, because that's what heroes do," Bakugo snapped. "And I'm a fucking hero. No matter what Yunyun or those other dickheads say."

"Indeed you are," Iris agreed, which made Bakugo do a double take. "And, as you said, you are the only person who I have ever met who can keep up with me in a fight."

"You still kicked my ass," Bakugo grumbled.

"Perhaps. And if we fought again, how many matches do you think you would take in ten?" Iris asked.

Bakugo chewed on his lip for a moment, glaring at her. At last, he spat to the side. "Three."

"I would have said four, but our estimations are similar," Iris agreed, sitting down in the grass beside Bakugo. He was quite a bit bigger than she, especially when he crouched above her. She hadn't really noticed before; she was used to being the strongest in the room by such a wide margin that size was irrelevant.

"So, what? I'm a knight because I can kick your ass sometimes?" Bakugo demanded.

"There is a tradition in Belzerg. The Ruler must have their Sworn Shield, the strongest fighter in all the land. It is rare that the shield is stronger, for the kings and queens of Belzerg are descended from heroes, and trained all their lives to defend their land and people."

"So, what, you think I'm just going to sign up to sit around all day and guard you? I ain't doin' that shit," Bakugo grumbled.

"You do not understand: the Shield is the one who the ruler sends in their stead if they cannot take the field, or the one who goes into battle alongside them. Often, it is the Shield that leads the armies of Belzerg to battle. Such as they are."

Bakugo considered that, his eyes narrowed as he studied Iris. "Alright. So I get why you want me for the job. I kick more ass than anyone else except you. But what's in it for me?"

"Absolution. You claim you have been condemned to hell. I offer you an alternative."

"Oh, wow, didn't realize you were a damn goddess in addition to all the other shit you claim to be," Bakugo said, rolling his eyes.

"I am not, but a ruler may grant royal pardons. In addition, I know two goddesses quite well: Eris, and Aqua. Fight for me, and I shall intercede with them on your behalf. You shall be spared damnation. Besides, you claim to live for battle. Why not fight for a righteous cause? Perhaps you shall wash away the sins of your past."

"Ok, so, what? I kill this Demiurge for you, and I get my get out of hell free card?" Bakugo demanded.

"There will be more to it than that. I do not expect you to change overnight, but to be my Shield you shall also need to become a knight in truth. Which includes, in public, showing me deference and speaking politely and formally."

"Yeah? Why 'in public?'" Bakugo demanded. "What about when we ain't in public?"

"Then you may speak as you wish. A Shield is one of the few people who has the right to speak plainly to the ruler, and, in private, question them and their choices. In public, however, you must be a dutiful servant, and a steadfast defender of my honor."

Bakugo shook his head. "Yeah, well, I don't think I'm cut out for all that fancy shit."

"Perhaps not now. But if you wish to avoid hellfire, it would behoove you to learn, would it not?" Iris demanded.

Bakugo considered that, then spat into his palm, standing and holding it out to Iris. "Fine. You've got yourself a deal."

Iris slowly stood, spitting in her own hand, then taking the disgusting hand in her own and squeezing it tightly. Bakugo grinned at her as that caused a faint puff of smoke to rise from their clasped hands. "Damn. For a little girl, you've got a nice grip."

Iris smiled back. "And for an uncouth barbarian, you are surprisingly thoughtful. Now, I have accepted your gesture. Now, you must accede to mine."

Bakugo let his grip loosen at the same time Iris did, frowning. "Yeah, what's that?"

Iris summoned Caliber to her, testing the edge on her thumb and smiling. "It is time you learned the first part of court protocol. Do not make that face at me. You agreed to this. You are honor bound to obey and keep your oath, or do you take your own word so lightly?"

"Oh, you're not getting rid of me that easy. Fine. What do I have to do?"

The next morning, Iris had the Crimson Demons, Sero, and those few refugees they were protecting assemble in a clearing. She stood atop a large, mossy rock as the sunlight glinted through the trees.

"People of Belzerg! You know why we are here: to drive the forces of the Demiurge and the Great Tomb from our world, and to free humanity from its bondage. To that end, I, Iris Stylish Sword Belzerg, have selected a Shield, to lead our armies in battle, and to fight at my side. Katsuki Bakugo! Come forth!"

Bakugo shouldered his way through the crowd, causing mutters from those assembled. He launched himself up to the top of the rock with an explosive blast, then knelt before Iris, offering up his axe.

"I, Katsuki Bakugo, do hereby offer my body and axe as your shield and sword, to be your sworn defender, until my queen release me, or death take me."

Her recited the words Iris had coached him on most admirably, and without the invective he'd peppered them with previously. Good, he could control himself when he had to.

"I, Iris Stylish Sword Belzerg, Queen of Belzerg and defender of humanity, do accept this oath." She rapped Bakugo on each shoulder with Caliber, drawing a bit of blood from his shoulders. He didn't wince in the slightest. Good. She hadn't told him she would be doing that. He just looked up and grinned, his face a picture of a demon. That was what she needed, now.

"Arise, Sir Bakugo, Sworn Shield of Belzerg. Arise and fulfill your oath, and lead my armies to victory!"

Bakugo sprang up in smoke and flames, turning to the assembled people. "Alright you fuckers! Who's ready to kick some ass!?"

That got a cheer out of them, if a half-hearted one. Iris didn't care. At last, she'd found someone who might just be strong enough to survive this with her. Or, at the very least, help her attain vengeance for the fallen.