Chapter 3: The Merchant of Pènis

Daphne's secret was only a secret for about ten hours. Mrs. Dinkley walked outside to sit and read a paperback, and she saw Daphne lying on the grass, sleeping; and next to her legs was a some sort of overgrown Gila monster.

Mrs. Dinkley let out an ear-piercing shriek and ran over to Daphne. Right before she could try to fight off the lizard (and she was prepared to do so), Daphne said, "Mrs. Dinkley! It's alright! He's a friend!"

Still stunned, she stood there, staring at the scaly cryptid in font of her as Daphne explained. Once she understood where it came from, she said to Daphne, "Well, if he's friendly, then I don't have a problem with it."

And neither did Mr. Dinkley.

But Velma sure did. After her parents became more accustomed to the lizard, Daphne began to let it sleep next to her on the blow-up mattress. The first few nights, Velma couldn't get a wink of sleep: she was too paranoid, too unsure of the lizard's intentions.

"Intentions"? God, I'm starting to sound more and more like Daphne...

After a while, she was able to get some shut-eye, but not without making eye contact with the lizard as it laid on top of Daphne's pillow, next to her head, its tail coiled loosely around her neck, as if to say to Velma, "I could if I wanted to." She'd stare into those cold, beady, reptilian eyes, and it'd stick out its forked tongue every now and then.

"I've got my eyes on you," whispered Velma, mostly to herself.

As more time passed, Velma became less nervous around the thing. On the Friday of Daphne's second week as a resident of Dinkley Manor, Velma walked into the room to see her singing along to Waitress while cradling the lizard. Just the fact that it was allowing her to do this was enough to put Velma at ease.

That night, before bed, as the girls were chatting, Velma asked, "Have you thought of a name for it?"

Daphne looked taken aback. "'It'? It's he." She left a pregnant pause here before adding, "Heh, just kidding. Anyways, yes, I have picked out a name for him."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah: Capote."

"...Um...Capote?"

"You know, like Truman Capote?"

"Yeah, I got that much, but I'm still a little confused as to why that name."

"'Cause Capote wrote In Cold Blood, of course."

Just go with it.

"Oh, yeah, totally," said Velma, forcing a smile.

"And sometimes I call him 'Potey' for short—isn't it cute?"

"Uh-huh! Adorable."

Capote the monitor lizard.

Despite Velma's initial befuddlement, the name stuck, and Potey seemed to actually respond to it. While the lizard was polite with everyone in the Dinkley household, he was, of course, closest to Daphne, and within days she was taking him on walks and teaching him to play fetch (unsuccessfully; he may have loved Daphne, but a lizard can only learn so much).

It was on Sunday that the girls realized they were going to have a real problem. The day was as normal as could be at first: Velma was off of work, so she snatched one of her mother's books and curled up on the hammock, while Daphne watched Potey wander aimlessly around the yard with the sort of pride a parent has for their child.

The day continued in its normalcy all the way until 5:00 p.m. The girls were in Velma's room, talking about something or other, when they heard an engine. Velma half-expected to see Paw and his boy coming up to the house, but instead she saw a small blue Mitsubishi.

Blue Mitsubishi... Where did I hear about a blue Mitsu...

Oh Jesus. Oh fuck.

"Mother of dick."

Daphne whipped her head around to face Velma. "Ooh, that's creative, I like it."

Velma took Daphne's chin in her hand and turned it to the window for her to gaze down at the car. She watched as Daphne processed what she was seeing.

"Oh..." said Daphne. "Mother of dick, indeed."

"Daphne, what is she doing here?"

"How should I know?"

"I'm only asking because I'm hoping to God she's not here for the reason I think she is."

"And that reason is?"

Velma pointed to the Mystery Machine.

"Ah hah," said Daphne, "yes, you're right, that'd be a real shitshow."

"You need to go calm her down or something, I think—right?"

"Me? Are you kidding? I can't go talk to her! She sullied my boyfriend's maidenhead, and now she probably wants to frame me for grand theft auto!"

"Frame? Daphne, you did steal it."

"Touché..."

The girls watched as the blonde girl stepped out of the car and stretched her legs. No doubt she'd just taken the trip from Coolsville to Crystal Cove and was exhausted from her drive—and now she was going to kick Daphne's ass and/or press charges.

"Let's just hide!" said Daphne.

"Hide where?"

"We can sneak into your backyard and run away until she leaves."

"I can't leave my parents to deal with her!"

Daphne looked sullen. "You're right..." She grabbed her green scarf and pulled it tighter around her neck, and then took off her earrings. "I'll have to confront this head-on."

"You're not gonna fight her, are you?"

"Well, only if it comes to that—I'm not gonna start anything."

Velma shuddered, then said, "...I'll go with you."

Daphne sighed. "Thank you so much."

"No biggie."

Nah, it's a biggie, and quite a big biggie at that.

Velma continued: "Alright, I'm right behind you. You got this."

Daphne gulped and opened the door. The girls walked down the stairs and up to the front door. As they got up to the welcome mat, the doorbell rang, its familiar tone suddenly foreboding and ominous.

"Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit," Daphne muttered under her breath as she slowly reached her hand out, grabbed the doorknob, and ever so gently twisted it. It didn't budge.

"You gotta unlock it first, hon," said Velma.

"Oh, yeah, gotcha." She unlocked the door and then tried again, still turning the knob as gingerly as humanly possible. At last there was a click, and the door slowly began to swing inward with a chilling creak.

Okay, I know for a fact the front door has never been that creaky.

Little by little, the door opened to reveal the blonde girl that had stolen Daphne's boyfriend; the girl who had taken Fred's purity; the harlot that had popped his cherry. Daphne wondered to herself if guys had a "cherry" to pop in the first place—later, Velma would give her a detailed lesson on reproductive anatomy.

The girl inched forward. For the first time, Daphne and Velma looked the girl in the eyes. Daphne unclenched her fists, and Velma was able to catch her breath—the girl in front of them was not out for blood, or was very good at hiding it. Instead, they looked glassy, like she'd been crying not too long ago.

"Daphne Blake?" she said demurely.

This can't be the girl that was teasing Daphne about fucking her boyfriend.

"This is she," said Daphne.

"Hi..." Ugly pause. "I'm Stacy, Stacy Covington." She reached a hand out, then retracted it once she was aware Daphne wasn't going to shake it. "I'm, uh...well, you know..."

Daphne nodded. She had her arms crossed.

"I'm really not sure how to start this conversation," said Stacy. "I knew it'd be difficult, but..."

"Come inside," said Velma.

Stacy mustered up the energy for a weak smile, then walked in. Daphne didn't budge, and Stacy had to squeeze past her. Velma looked into Daphne's eyes and was shocked by the icy, lifeless stare of contempt.

The girls went up to Velma's room. Stacy stood while the other two sat on Velma's bed. Velma glanced over at Daphne just to see if she'd softened up a bit, and—nope.

"Black eyes, like a doll's eyes."

"Go on," said Daphne suddenly.

"Right," said Stacy. "I, uh..." Her lip started quivering. Velma braced herself for the waterworks, and they came hard and heavy. She collected herself just enough to choke out, "I wanted to say I'm so sorry!"

More tears.

Daphne pursed her lips. "Yes?"

Velma and Stacy were both quite stunned by her coldness; the surprise snapped Stacy out of her tears.

She wiped her eyes and said, "Listen, I know you might not believe me...but I swear, I had no idea Fred had a girlfriend!"

Uh, what now?

Stacy continued: "Really, he'd been chatting me up in the quad every now and then, and I kept telling him I wasn't easy, but he—well, I don't know, he's a smooth talker."

"That he is," uttered Daphne. Her voice had cured and hardened like cement.

"Anyways," she continued, "I came here because Fred's an asshole and I wanted to make sure you were okay—"

Velma interjected: "Stacy, sorry, but I need to talk with Daphne real quick."

"Oh...okay, sure."

Velma turned to Daphne and whispered, "What is she talking about, Daphne? Didn't she tease you about sleeping with Fred?"

Daphne's stare was almost as blank as Paw's. "I may have exaggerated just a smidge."

"More than a fuckin' smidge—the girl seems traumatized!"

"Well, maybe she should be!"

"Daphne! Are you really, truly mad at this girl? Frankly, I believe her, and if she's telling the truth, which I think she is, the only person you should be mad at is Fred, right?"

Evidently, that was what Daphne needed to hear: her eyebrows started to rise, the corners of her mouth dropped, and her breathing sped up.

There she is.

And so, Velma sat on her bed as Daphne jumped over to Stacy and hugged her; and the two girls cried together as they both said "I'm so sorry!" They cried so similarly, they might as well have started harmonizing. At least that may have been somewhat pleasing to the ear.

Velma knew better than to watch the time when Daphne was in the throes of sadness, so when they finally did finish, Velma looked up and adjusted her glasses and said, "Alright, so...what's next for you two?"

The two teary-eyed girls looked up at Velma, and they smiled softly.

"Well, I'm gonna go back to school, I guess," said Stacy. "I'm not gonna let him keep me away from my education."

Daphne bit her lip hearing this. She hadn't told Velma, but Velma already knew she wasn't going back to school—if anything, towards the end, she was trying to keep appearances up for Fred's sake, and now that made her feel sick to her stomach.

Daphne hugged Stacy again, not as tightly this time. "Good luck. You're going to do great things, young lady."

"Thank you—but, uh, aren't we around the same age?"

"Yes. We are young, aren't we?"

"Yeah, I guess you're right..."

I don't blame you for being stumped on that one, thought Velma.

The girls left the room, went down the stairs, and watched as Stacy started walking to her Mitsubishi.

Velma leaned over and whispered, "The Mitsubishi is pretty shitty, I'll give you that."

"I know, I feel so bad."

Stacy looked back to them, then said, "Ooh, wait, I almost forgot!" She jogged over to her car and reached in to grab something, then returned holding a pair of hoop earrings. "I assumed they were yours, unless Fred is into even weirder stuff than I realized, ha ha..." This pause was even uglier than the previous ugly pause. "Heh, just messin' with ya...but, anyways, yeah..."

Someone put the girl out of her misery.

"Thank you, Stacy," said Daphne with sincerity. She gave Stacy another hug and said, "Like I always say, 'tang before swang." Daphne and Stacy giggled while Velma tried not to vomit onto the floor.

And then the shrieking started. Velma's head snapped up, and she watched as Stacy threw her head back, screaming in terror, seemingly paralyzed with fear—only she wasn't paralyzed with fear, she was immobilized by the goddamn lizard that was trying to take a chunk out of her calf. Daphne was trying to tell Potey to stop, but the monitor lizard held strong.

Eventually, Daphne picked the lizard up, and finally, it decided to let go. Miraculously, Velma didn't see a drop of blood. Stacy was breathing hard and fast, her hand on her chest.

"Sorry about that," said Daphne. "He's not great with strangers, but we're working on it."

"Uh huh..." muttered Stacy as she hurriedly made it into her car and peeled out of the driveway.

Daphne yelled, "Have a safe trip! And click it or ticket!"

Velma was still in a state of shock. "Daphne...your lizard—"

"Oh, yeah, I know, but—"

"But what? He was trying to eat her leg."

"No, no, Velma, you're misunderstanding."

"Am I, Daphne?"

"Well, you see, before Stacy got here, and I didn't know what she wasn't a slutty piece of shit, I may have told Potey to give her a little scare on her way out."

Velma could feel her face go white. "You...you trained the dinosaur?"

"No, see, that's the crazy thing! I've been talking with him, and it seems like his previous owners had already taught him a lot of commands and stuff. So really, I kinda learned to speak his language."

Of course: a regular Eliza Thornberry. It's just so obvious, how didn't I think of that?...

...was the last thought Velma had before waking up in a cold sweat with Daphne leaning over her. They were in her room, and she had a damp rag on her forehead.

"Hey, there," said Daphne, her intonation comparable to a kindergarten teacher. "How're you holding up?"

"Did I...did I faint?"

"Ding, ding, my friend, you sure did."

"Mmm...what time is it?"

"Six seventeen, so you've been out for...two minutes."

Velma sat up.

Daphne said, "You were standing with your knees locked after Stacy left, and I head from a nursing student that that's a cause of fainting, and—"

Daphne went on like this for quite some time. Velma was just glad she was able to make things right with Stacy.

Velma woke in the middle of the night. She needed to pee, but first she scanned the room.

Where are you, you little fucker?

Potey was nowhere to be seen, which somehow was even more frightening than knowing he was nearby. She really didn't understand that animal's intentions. Carefully, she tiptoed out of the room and into the restroom, closing the door behind her, and then turning on the light.

Immediately, she brought her hand to her mouth to suppress a scream: Potey was sitting on the edge of the tub. She saw him in the mirror first, then turned around to face the beast. Velma tried to assess the situation. The lizard didn't seem to currently be out for blood.

She whispered, "Potey...are we on good terms or what?"

The lizard flicked its tongue.

What she interpreted from this was: "We're cool, but keep your guard up."

She got the message.