Professor Tim Mullenix was sitting in his office with his hands on his head when he noticed he'd done it. By pure chance his eyes wandered to a packet laid at the very edge of his peripheral vision. Titus Andronicus. But not just any copy of Titus Andronicus. It was that copy.

"I'll be damned."

Mullenix got on his desktop and hurriedly searched for the PDF he'd sent to his English classes. After rechecking the file he saw that, sure enough, he'd sent that very copy, with its little message on the last page.

What're the chances that one of the students can read Hebrew? he thought to himself. And fair enough: Coolsville University wasn't a place known for its population of Hebrew-speaking students. Perhaps he didn't need to be worried. It was a careless mistake, but no harm done.

But on the other hand, Murphy's Law…

Daphne and Velma waited until a Friday to drive from Crystal Cove to Coolsville—Daphne had checked the syllabus for her professor's office hours, so if they made it on time he should be there. Daphne was behind the wheel. Velma was sitting in the passenger seat, staring at her phone screen.

"Whatcha doin'?" asked Daphne.

Velma looked over with a half-smile and replied, "Nothing." The tone in her voice was convincing enough that, unlike before, Daphne bought it and returned her attention to the road.

But it wasn't nothing. Velma had been looking at something that concerned her—concerned her about Daphne. Now wasn't the right time to broach the topic. It couldn't wait forever, though. Eventually she'd have to ask Daphne about it.

It's not like her, she thought. She wouldn't.

Other than this, the drive to Coolsville University was pleasant. Daphne hummed along to the radio as it played track after track of Evermore. Velma was starting to think she might be a Swiftie now. (She would later hear Midnights and reconsider.)

Mullenix was typing up a quiz for his online classes when there was a knock at his office door.

"Come in," he called out.

The door opened and in walked two young women, a bookish-looking brunette and a graceful redhead.

"Hi!" said the red-haired one, immediately stepping up to his desk with a hand outreached.

"…Nice to meet you," said Mullenix, taking her hand and shaking it, a little confused.

"I'm Daphne Blake," she said. "I'm a student in your online English."

"Oh, I see."

Daphne told him which section she was in, and he pulled her up on the computer, expecting to see that she was here to ask for extra credit. That didn't seem to be the case, though: she had an A.

"What can I do for you?" he asked.

"Well," said Daphne, "I'm here to ask about, uh…" She stopped suddenly, then turned to the other girl.

Do we need the dramatics? thought Velma. She stepped up to the desk to stand next to Daphne. "I'm Velma," she said.

"Are you in the same section?" asked Mullenix.

"Hm? Oh, no, no, I'm not a student."

"Aha…"

Daphne was looking at Velma with an expression of pure exhilaration. Daphne was beyond excited about having a new mystery to solve, and she wanted to savor every moment of it. As such, she wanted Velma to participate in the same capacity—even in situations where it wasn't needed.

"Daphne?" said Velma, nudging Daphne's shoulder, desperate for her to just get on with it.

Daphne nodded and did her best to mask her excitement (unsuccessfully). "Professor," she said, "I was rereading Titus Andronicus for the essay assignment, and—"

"Oh, I see, are you here for help?" Mullenix's eyes lit up. It wouldn't last long.

"No…" said Daphne, seemingly perplexed by his suggestion. "I was rereading the play, and I got to the end, and…"

Mullenix wasn't listening at this point. The synapses in his brain were firing at a blistering rate. No, he thought, she couldn't have read it… Realizing what these girls were here for triggered a flood of other thoughts and memories, thoughts of him, thoughts of that whole mess.

He wasn't even attempting to hide what he felt: the girls could see the worry washing over him. Daphne trailed off and glanced over at Velma. "Should I have eased into it a little more?"

Velma shrugged her shoulders.

"But… How was I supposed to know this was a sensitive topic? What the hell?"

"Just give him a minute, I guess," said Velma. She could see the professor's worry turning to horror; there were beads of sweat forming at his hairline before rolling down his forehead. Shit, is it really a sensitive topic?

It was. Mullenix's hands started to tremble ever so slightly. He'd noticed the girls reacting to his behavior and did his best to compose himself. "Y-yes, Ms. Blake…did you have a q-question about the play?"

"No, sir," she said, and Mullenix's heart sunk even lower.

Mullenix forced a smile—Daphne and Velma perceived it more as a wince.

That's got to hurt his face, thought Velma.

"Um…then, uh…what did you w-want to ask about?"

"…Sir?"

"What? What's wrong?" Mullenix almost jumped out of his seat. His eyes were wild and every muscle in his body was tense, pure fight-or-flight.

"Nothing, sir, really, there's nothing wrong, it's fine," said Daphne, doing her best to ease his worries.

Velma decided she'd better try to defuse the tension. "Daphne and I noticed a small note at the end of the play, like s—"

"Fuck—fuck! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry—shit—really, I'm—!" Mullenix's chest fluttered like a bird's. He looked like he was about to pass out. If the stress intensified at all, he very well might have.

"Professor, please, calm down," said Velma. She'd walked around the back of the desk to help him back down into his chair. She felt like she was working at a nursing home. "We aren't trying to cause any trouble. We just wanted to ask about the note to see what it meant."

"Yeah," added Daphne, "I really didn't mean to get you all riled up, honest."

Velma furrowed her brow for half a second, looking over at Daphne. The way she talked seemed like all the time they'd spent around Pa and his boy had rubbed off on her.

Mullenix was a sweating, whimpering mess. His buttoned-down shirt was soaked through in places. It made Velma a little scared—just how serious was the matter they'd inserted themselves into?

"Professor, do you need some water, or some fresh air?" asked Velma.

"Or if you want to meditate—'cause it really does help, trust me—I could be your meditation guide," offered Daphne.

"No, I'm…I'm all right, I think," said Mullenix. His voice was softer, but still shaky like the rest of him.

"Okay," said Velma. "So, can we ask you about that note?"

"I…" Mullenix was considering it, but he was plagued with uncertainty. "I really… I shouldn't, you're a student—or, well, you are," he said, looking over at Daphne.

"Yeah, but we're also great problem solvers," said Daphne.

"Huh?"

"We're private investigators," said Velma. Not exactly the truth, but if it assuaged his reservations they could just explain later. Velma turned to Daphne and winked.

Daphne saw this and thought about winking back, but knew she couldn't wink, so she gave a long, slow blink back.

Great job playing natural, Daphne.

"Um… Okay," said Mullenix. He didn't believe what they were telling him, not for one second. If they'd read the note, there was no point in trying to conceal the rest. In for a penny, in for a pound. He took a breath, ready to spill his guts, when he happened to look down—and started screaming. It was loud enough to startle both Daphne and Velma. It was the kind of scream they can't imitate in the movies.

Daphne stepped around to see what was happening and then sighed. "Potey, I told you to stay in the Mystery Machine—I left it on and everything…"

"Daphne…" began Velma. She didn't. She didn't!

She did.

And all the signs hit her at once: Daphne telling her to get out of the Mystery Machine first because she "needed to do something"; the way Daphne had gotten into the Mystery Machine long before it was time to leave; the door to Prof. Mullenix's office being slightly ajar. She brought that goddamn lizard with her, and it got lonely and came to meet her.

"Daphne!" said Velma, having collected her thoughts.

"I'm sorry, Velma, I—"

"What? Can you give me a good reason for taking him here with you?"

"He has separation anxiety." Daphne said it with complete seriousness.

"He has…?"

Daphne had gathered Potey up into her arms and was now stroking the lizard's scaly back. Potey's tongue flicked out every now and then.

"He lived by the river—alone—for who knows how long, and now he has separation anxiety?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact, he does."

"But Daphne…"

"I didn't know he'd sneak out!" For a split-second, Daphne's eyes widened. She tried to play it off, but it was too late.

Velma jumped on this. "What? What aren't you telling me, Daphne?"

Daphne was now looking sullenly at the ground. "It's not his fault, Velma. I… I taught it to him."

"Taught him what?" What the fuck is she talking about?

"I thought it would be helpful if we had a pet that could sneak around, like if we needed to get something without being noticed."

"You trained him in stealth…"

Daphne nodded, now making eye contact with Velma.

"'Cause a monitor lizard is so inconspicuous."

"Well, you didn't notice him come in, did you?"

Daphne wasn't wrong there: Velma hadn't heard anything, hadn't noticed the door opening more than before. But surely it hadn't evaded detection walking into a college. Was that even possible?

And how did she train him? She couldn't even train him to fetch!

It took a few more minutes to calm Prof. Mullenix down all over again. Velma couldn't blame him for being so afraid. When it seemed like he'd gotten ahold of himself once more, Velma sat down across from him at the desk. Daphne took the seat next to her.

"All right," said Velma, "so first, who left the note?"

Mullenix hesitated. He didn't have much of a choice, he knew, but still it was hard to say it aloud. "Another professor here. Professor Electona from the anthropology department."

"Do you know this professor?"

"Yes. He and I… Well, we were involved, you see…"

"See?" said Daphne suddenly. "I told you it might have been…because gay…" She stopped once she saw the look Velma was giving her.

"Moving along," said Velma, "the note was…well, it was weird, to say the least. What did it mean? Did he get something from you?"

Mullenix nodded.

"Something important?"

"Yes."

"What?"

Mullenix sighed. "Get comfortable. It's a long story."

Velma nodded and sat back; Daphne leaned forward with Potey still in her arms. The lizard stared Mullenix down like he was the one asking the questions.

"Okay…" began Mullenix. "He and I, like I said, we were involved. I teach English, but I've also got a degree in archaeology—he does too. I'd come into possession of a particularly interesting artifact."

"How?"

"That's the thing: it was buried outside in my garden. I found it when I was watering the plants."

Velma took out her phone to write notes.

"Anyhow, it was a little statuette, small enough to hold in your palm. It looked…maybe Egyptian, I'm not sure—I brought it to Electona so that he and the department heads could send it off to whoever and determine if it was genuine. Once he saw it, though…it was like he'd seen a ghost at first. He asked me how I'd found it, so I told him, and he wouldn't believe me. He started ranting that I was keeping secrets from him. I told him I wasn't, I tried to assure him, but he wouldn't listen. He said he didn't want to see me anymore. I was… I guess I was a jilted lover, actually. I got defensive, said he couldn't take the statuette with him now that he was acting like this. I said I'd do my own research on it. He threatened me with anything and everything he could, but I wouldn't budge. Then one day I got to the office and it was just gone. I had the copy of Titus Andronicus I was going to scan for the class on my desk, and on the last page he wrote the note you saw. I don't know why I still scanned that copy. I didn't think anybody would be able to read Hebrew."

Velma was writing all of this down as fast as she could, adding notes next to certain details she wanted to know more about. She looked up and asked, "Why Hebrew?"

"I don't know," answered Mullenix. "I can read it well enough, so I understood it, but I don't know why it's in Hebrew."

"Do you have any idea where he might have taken the artifact?" asked Daphne. Potey flicked his tongue out.

"Um…" Mullenix pondered this for a moment. "The only place I can think that he'd put it is a lounge in the anthropology department building."

"Where is that?"

"Other side of campus. Why?"

"Because I think we should give him a taste of his own medicine."

Velma perked up and looked over at Daphne. "Huh? Wait a minute, you want to—"

"The law's on our side anyway," said Daphne assuredly. "We're private investigators, after all. It's not theft."

God, Daphne, don't push it.

"I don't know if that's a good idea," said Mullenix.

"I agree with your professor," said Velma.

"Oh, come on, guys!" Daphne stood up. "That guy stole it from this office—that's a crime!"

"But wouldn't it be better if we just got police involved?" suggested Mullenix.

"No!" Daphne stamped her foot. Potey had gotten onto the desk and stood between Velma and the professor. "Coolsville police are dumb as dirt. Not to mention they're pigs."

Daphne, you're pushing it as hard as you fucking can, aren't you? "Daphne—"

"And don't forget," she continued, "we have this guy." She gestured to Potey with a mischievous grin on her face. The lizard looked up at each of them.

"You're not serious."

Daphne was serious.

She was able (after much cajoling) to get the professor to lead them to the anthropology department building; once she'd done that, Velma didn't feel like she had much of a choice. If she was being honest with herself, though, she also wanted to see what they'd find if they could get their hands on the statuette. Daphne may have shown her excitement more openly, but Velma felt the same behind her thin veneer of stoicism.

Mullenix led them to into the building, then through the hallways, up the stairs, and finally to a room at the end of one of the corridors.

"This is the longue," he said. "It's locked, so I don't know what you're planning."

Daphne struggled with the doorknob. "Shit." She wasn't deterred, though. She started looking through the door's window, examining possible points of entry. "Is that air vent connected to the adjacent room?"

"Uh, I think so…"

"Is that room unlocked?"

"Should be, but why—"

"Come on!"

Daphne rushed into the adjacent room, a classroom with chalk scribblings all over the board. She searched for the air vent until she located it.

"Velma, can you help me out real quick?"

"How?"

"Do you have something like a pocket knife?"

"I do," said Mullenix, pulling one out of his pocket.

"Thank you," said Daphne. She took the pocket knife and climbed onto a table. She was trying to hurry while also staying calm enough to get this done quickly. She pressed the blade of the knife into the grooves of the screws holding the screen on the air vent. It didn't take long for her to get them all out, and just like that the vent was open. Definitely not big enough for a person to fit into, though.

"Velma, hand me Potey."

"What?"

"Just pick him up and hand him to me."

Velma looked down to where Potey stood. He looked back up at her with eyes that said, "This is only okay because she needs you to." Velma got the message.

She picked up the lizard with bated breath and handed him to Daphne, who quickly received him.

"All right, Potey," she said, "you've got this."

"There are cameras in here, guys," said the professor. "We're gonna get caught for sure."

"We're doing the right thing, number one," said Daphne. "Number two, they won't have reason to check the cameras unless something goes wrong. If we get it without any slip-ups, Electona wouldn't dare try to turn you in, 'cause he'd have to admit he stole it from you in the first place."

Mullenix took a deep breath.

"Okay, Potey, good luck!" whispered Daphne, and with that the lizard disappeared into the vent. Daphne jumped down from the table before rushing to the lounge door to look through the window.

"Wait—shit!" said Velma. "The vent in the lounge still has the cover on it."

"Not a problem," said Daphne. "Watch."

After a few moments, the girls could see Potey inside of the vent. Velma's jaw dropped when she saw the lizard extending a single claw through the vent cover. As if he'd been government trained, Potey used his claw to twist off each of the screws before pushing the cover off with his head. He then plopped down from the vent to the ground.

"Jesus, Daphne, what… How?"

"I started watching a lot of Cesar Millan—I know he works with dogs, but I thought hey, his tips are pretty good. So I tried them with Potey and he took to it like a duck to water."

Velma stared at Daphne. "I don't know if that means you're a lizard whisperer or that he was already a trained lizard when you found him."

"Either way, he's an asset, wouldn't you say?"

"Yeah…"

After a few more moments, Velma could feel the door being pushed: Potey was jumping, trying to hit at the lock to flick it down. It only took a few tries before he managed it.

Daphne opened the door and took Potey back into her arms. She looked like a proud mother.

"Okay," she said, turning to Mullenix, who'd also witnessed the lizard's infiltration, "where in here do we need to look?"

"There's a closet over there," he said, pointing. "It's locked with a combination. I'm betting he put it there."

Daphne nodded and walked over to the closet. Velma and Mullenix followed behind.

"So, what combinations are we considering?" said Daphne.

"Don't look at me," said Velma.

Mullenix's face had started to color. "Um…" he stuttered.

"Yes?" asked Daphne.

"Try 1103."

"Okay. Any reason why?"

"It's his birthday."

"You know his birthday? Damn, you're down bad."

Mullenix chuckled. "I guess I am, aren't I?"

"I know how you feel," said Daphne, patting his back. She looked like a dad. "Guys suck."

"Ain't that the truth," said Mullenix with a laugh. "You have experience?"

"Oh, believe me, I'm just now single after I caught my boyfriend doing sex with another girl."

"Damn…"

"Right?"

Velma decided now was the time to intervene. "All right, guys, we need to hurry, don't we? We don't have time to talk about our boy problems right now."

"Fine, fine," said Daphne. She moved to the lock and entered 1103. Sure enough, the lock clicked, and the closet door was open.

Mullenix stepped forward to look around. "There!" He reached forward to grab what he saw, then showed it to the girls. In his hand was just what he'd described: a little statuette, probably clay, of some kind of deity or creature. It wasn't anything Velma or Daphne had seen before. Mullenix didn't have a clue either. "Come on, let's take it back to my room."

The girls sat across from Mullenix at his desk. He had the statuette in his hand, turning it this way and that as he studied it under a magnifying glass.

"I'm stumped," he said. "I don't see markings or details that would help identify what or who this is supposed to be."

"Is it possible there's just no record of what or who it is?" asked Daphne.

"Yeah, definitely, but that wouldn't be good for us."

Daphne nodded.

Velma watched as the professor turned the statuette over and over, and she wondered whether she shouldn't get a look at it herself. "Can I see it?" she asked.

"Be my guest." He handed the statuette to her, gingerly placing it in her hand. When he saw her grip it, he jumped. "Careful!"

This, in turn, made Daphne and Velma jump.

"Well, Mc-fucking-scuse me, Professor," said Velma. "I wasn't planning on breaking it."

The words weren't out of her mouth before she felt the clay give way in her hand. Hesitantly, she lowered her head to confirm what she already knew: there it was, shattered in her hand, a lump of clay shards. Velma's mouth suddenly felt dry. She couldn't bring herself to look at the professor. All this work and she'd broken the artifact—not to mention she broke it while saying she wouldn't break it.

"Wait, look." The voice was Daphne's.

"I… I'm so sorry, Professor…"

"Velma, look."

"What?"

But Daphne was right to get her attention: amidst the shards of clay was a small, thin slip of paper, or parchment, or something.

Velma took the slip into her fingers. "There's something written on it. It's English."

"Read it," begged Daphne.

" 'Something wicked this way comes.

Heav'n above doth, scared, succumb.

Ne'er hath man nor god beheld

Rage from he, the angel felled.

Imminent arrival looms,

Sure be thee to flee thy doom.' "

The three of them sat at the table in silence.

Velma looked to the professor. "What do you make of it?"

"Not a clue," he said.

Daphne spoke up. " 'Something wicked this way comes' is from Macbeth."

"You're right," said Velma.

"So the statuette can't be ancient if the message inside it quotes Shakespeare. This was forged."

"But why? And why was it buried at his house?"

"Maybe someone wanted him to find it."

"And if it's fake, why did Electona react like he did when he saw it?"

"He must've known it was fake, right?"

"I think you're right. He has to know who made it, or at least what it was supposed to be." Saying was still pricked with guilt in Velma's stomach—at least it was a fake. No harm, no foul?

Throughout the girls' analysis, the professor sat back dumbfounded. Could they really be private investigators? They sure seemed to make connections rather quickly.

"Look at the first letter of each line," said Velma. "They're written in red instead of black."

"Do you think that's a coincidence?"

"Maybe, but we'd better treat it like a clue for now."

"I agree."

"Guys," said Mullenix, "it's almost four—the university's gonna close before long."

"Okay, we'll get out of your hair," said Velma. "Keep the slip of paper. Can we come back Monday?"

"Sure."

On the drive back to Crystal Cove, Daphne had finally noticed how tense Velma seemed. Or at least she finally decided to speak up about it.

"Velma, is something wrong?"

"Hm? No, why?"

"Velma, I can tell something's wrong. Is it about the camming in the barn thing?"

"What? No. By the way, you were right, Pa hasn't ever walked into the barn while I'm in there. Neither has his son."

"Told ya." That almost made Daphne forget what she wanted to know. Not quite, though. "Velma, seriously, if something's bothering you, you can tell me."

Oh, if only it was that simple, Daphne. "It's…"

"Yes?"

"Look, if it's a misunderstanding, promise you won't be mad at me?"

"Yeah, yeah, I promise," said Daphne. She sounded adamant.

"Okay… Well, the other day I was in Pa's barn, a—"

"Ooh, scandalous."

"Daphne."

"Sorry."

"Anyway, I was doing my 'show,' and one of my viewers sent a meme to me." Velma turned her phone for Daphne to see. It was a photo of a man wearing assless chaps lying down on his stomach.

"Huh," said Daphne, "that's kinda similar to…"

Velma raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, it is."

"Oh, my God."

"Fred's picture is a fake."

"Oh, my God…"

"Did you make it?" Velma asked this with sincerity, not accusatorially.

"No. God, no. Shit…"

"You said he sent you that picture, right?"

"Right."

"So… Could someone have gotten their hands on his phone?"

"Maybe. I don't know. Let me pull over." Daphne parked off to the side of the highway. The Mystery Machine shook as each car passed them by. She got onto her phone to locate the text conversation where Fred had sent the picture. "I mean… Reading it now, it doesn't seem too weird, but it's not much, anyway. It could've been someone else writing it."

"And you really didn't make it?"

"Velma." Daphne looked into her eyes with conviction. "You know how angry I am with him. But you've got to believe me: I didn't make that."

"Okay, I believe you, I just… What's the point? Why would someone send an 'incriminating' photo of someone from that person's phone?"

Daphne pulled up the picture. "You're right, Velma. Look." She traced over the picture, along Fred's neck. "The skin tone changes here, and it's a harsh cut-off. It's Photoshopped."

"What the hell…"

The girls sat quietly, thinking on it.

Velma was the first to speak up again. "You know what? One mystery at a time. And it doesn't even matter, really, since you're not dating."

Daphne nodded. "Yeah, it doesn't make any difference to me." She put the Mystery Machine in drive and got back onto the highway.

"Are you going to keep it?" asked Velma.

"Hell yes I am," said Daphne.

"Huh? Why?"

"'Cause I still need blackmail, even if it's forged blackmail." She paused. "Plus, it's so fucking funny."