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Saturday night was movie night with his mum. Nick loved this tradition, pizza and movies, usually. They had similar taste, and they loved to recite the lines of their favourite movies and act out parts the way they had done when he was much smaller. Nick thought his mum worried that he was outgrowing it, but he hoped they continued it for a long time.

She had asked if he wanted to choose the movie, and it occurred to him that maybe this was the way to tell her what was going on with him—if he picked the right movie, then maybe there would be an opportunity somewhere in it to … explain. Or say something that might be a hint. It bothered him not to speak up to her, but he felt the same fear with her that he did with his friends—how would she react if she found out he wasn't the person she had thought he was?

He looked up "Best lgbt movies", but the options were all so depressing. They liked light-hearted movies for movie night. Not necessarily comedies, but something with a bit of humour to them. Brokeback Mountain just didn't seem like that kind of film.

"Mamma Mia," his mum suggested. Apparently she thought he was taking too long.

"No, we've seen that four times this year already."

"Oh, I don't know, you think of something. I'm going to dish up the pizzas."

He heard her clattering around in the kitchen and kept looking for ideas, but nothing came up that felt appropriate.

When she came back in, she said, "I've got it. Pirates of the Caribbean. It's a classic. What do you think?"

They'd seen Pirates of the Caribbean a lot. It wasn't going to spark any new conversations. Nick sighed, giving up on the idea of talking to her tonight. "Yeah. Sounds good."

The pizzas were long finished by the time they reached the part where Will bandaged Elizabeth's hands. Nick's mum spoke up suddenly. "Do you remember that summer when you were like eleven, we had to watch this every evening?"

"It wasn't every evening."

"It definitely was, because I could quote it word for word by the end of it."

Nick laughed. He could, too. He'd wanted to be a dashing pirate like Will Turner and win the heart of a beautiful woman like Keira Knightley.

As if she could read his thoughts, his mum added, "And I knew it was because you loved Keira Knightley." She patted his arm, smiling at him.

"Mum."

"What? She's a very pretty girl."

"Please stop talking."

Keira Knightley's face appeared on the screen in close-up. She was pretty. Beautiful, in fact. But then the screen shifted to Orlando Bloom's face, and Nick realized he was also beautiful. He looked a little bit like Charlie—or like Charlie might look like grown up. Watching the screen, as the camera shifted from face to face, and both of them made him feel the same way, it occurred to Nick that maybe the reason he had never felt gay was that he wasn't. Maybe he liked both. Maybe … maybe it was okay to like both.

He was distracted the rest of the movie, watching the two leads, testing himself to see if he found one more attractive than the other, and when the movie was over, he refused his mum's offer of ice cream and hurried up to his room, where he typed "bisexual" into the search field and waited to see what would come up.

Somewhere along the way he found a vlogger who had a whole series titled "The Bisexual Experience". He clicked on it and the first video played.

"I was about fourteen when I realized I was bisexual. I had a best friend at the time, and we were completely inseparable. And one day, we shared a kiss, and I didn't feel weird about it. I didn't feel like it was an odd thing to do. In fact, it felt incredibly right. I always felt like I had these feelings for girls up to that point, but all of a sudden I started having feelings for guys, too. And that's when I realized, I'm bisexual."

It was the closest Nick had come in months to feeling like he understood who he was. All this time, he had been struggling because he knew he still liked girls, and there hadn't been any boys other than Charlie who struck his fancy … but looking at Orlando Bloom tonight had felt just a little bit like looking at Charlie. Thinking about it, Nick could still imagine being Will Turner and kissing Elizabeth Swan … but he could also suddenly imagine being Elizabeth Swan—or some version of that character—and kissing Will Turner. It made so much sense.

He picked up the phone, ready to text Charlie, but he hadn't realized how late it had gotten. His last text from Charlie had been the good-night one, an hour ago. Besides, talking about this kind of thing over text always felt weird. Better to talk to Charlie in person later. Easier.

At the table on Monday morning, though, Harry got in the way, as usual, hassling Tao and Charlie on their way into the building. Nick was sitting with Imogen, and only noticed the altercation when Tao had insulted Harry into turning his back rather than reveal he didn't have a comeback.

He looked up at Charlie miserably, feeling guilty that he couldn't control his friends.

In form, he leaned over. "Sorry about Harry."

"You're not in charge of Harry. Don't apologise for him."

Nick didn't agree, but he didn't want to argue about it, either. "Go for a walk after school?"

Charlie smiled. "Yeah."

They put their hands out on the desk next to each other, and Nick felt better, at least for the moment.

They took a blanket with them to the park, spreading it on the ground when they had worn Nellie out chasing sticks, and lying down next to each other. It was a perfect day for it, just chilly enough that their coats felt good but it smelled like spring.

"I had a question," Nick began.

"Yeah?"

He thought about it for a minute, how to ask. "I just wondered, like … how did you realise you were gay?"

Charlie raised his eyebrows. He clearly hadn't expected that to be Nick's question. "Oh. Uh … I guess I've always been sort of aware of it. Even when I was really young. I didn't understand it at the time, but … it's always been boys."

Nick wasn't sure what answer he had been expecting. What Charlie had said didn't surprise him, but then, he hadn't been around when Charlie had been coming to terms with his sexuality. He wished he had—not just because it would make things easier for him now, but because maybe he could have made things easier for Charlie then.

"I'm guessing you didn't feel the same when you were little," Charlie said.

"Well, no." He'd thought about it a lot over the weekend, trying to remember if he had ever found Orlando Bloom attractive when he was younger, and he couldn't decide if he had or not. He thought it was likely he had and he just hadn't been aware of what that meant, but he wasn't sure. "I don't know … what I am," he added softly, looking at Charlie apologetically.

"You don't have to figure it out right now. I didn't just wake up one day like, 'oh, look, guess I'm gay now'."

Nick laughed. "Well … I'm sorry for being all confused."

"I thought I was the one who said sorry too much."

"Oi!" Nick frowned at him good-naturedly.

Charlie lifted his head and looked around them, then reached for Nick's hand. "Do you want to kiss?" he asked. "Would that help?"

Well, if that wasn't just the most adorable thing. "Wow," Nick said.

"Just a suggestion."

"Wo-ow."

Charlie started to sit up. "Well, if you're not interested—"

Nick held onto his hand and pulled him back down, reaching for the other hand as he rolled onto his side. "Okay, hang on. It's a good suggestion." He closed his eyes, leaning in for the kiss.

Across the park there was a sound, and Nick sat bolt upright in sudden panic, his heart pounding. God, would he never stop ruining things? It had been a couple walking with their dogs, and they were gone already, and they wouldn't have cared anyway. But the moment was broken regardless.

He sat there miserably, hanging his head. "Sorry."

"Don't be sorry."

Nick looked at him and wished he wasn't sorry, wished he had nothing to be sorry for, but it wasn't true. "I just … I feel like—" It was so hard to get the words out. "I feel like Ben. Hiding, and making you pretend, and—"

"This isn't like that," Charlie said immediately.

"You say that, but it is."

"It isn't. Ben wouldn't have—he wouldn't have been here with me in the first place. He kept me at arm's length, never let me in, didn't care what I thought or who I was. Does that sound like you?"

"No," Nick admitted softly.

"Because it isn't. You're nothing like him, I promise you that. Don't compare yourself to him again." Charlie reached for his hand. "Please don't."

"Okay."

Nick wished he thought it was that easy. He knew Charlie meant what he was saying, but he could feel how much this whole situation distressed Charlie, and he couldn't help making the comparison. The last thing he wanted to do was make Charlie's life more difficult, but he couldn't seem to stop.

And it was all the worse because he'd thought maybe he was coming to terms with himself, and now it felt like he was still stuck in the same place.

That night, he watched the next in the vlogger's series.

"Growing up bisexual is constantly second-guessing yourself. One day you'll have a crush on a guy, the next day you have a crush on a girl, and you're just sitting there going 'Which one is it? Make a choice.' And then you realise, there isn't a choice. It's a combination of the both. Like, you can have both and it be okay."

Nick wished he believed that. It felt right, it felt like … it felt like him. But how to go from being a straight person to an openly bisexual person was what he didn't know. He wanted—he wanted his life. His friends, idiots though they were, and his life with Charlie, and his friendship with Imogen, and his relationship with his mum, and he didn't know how to have all those things and be this person he was discovering he was.