XIV – "Are you lonely?"
"Hello?" Shinji tried to address the girl once more, this time with far less certainty in his voice; the cheesecake he took instead of the contested chocolate cake was now resting on the plate in front of him, forgotten in the face of the entire situation. He would never say it out loud, since it would have been rude by any standards – but the little girl's smile was making him more than a little bit nervous. To add to the confusion, he had to admit that he was not entirely sure whether the being in front of him was a girl: the clothing and the uncanny resemblance to Rei Ayanami suggested that pretty strongly, but since the stranger had not spoken yet, their hair was a mess no self-respecting girl would dare to ever wear, and they were far too young to judge by appearance, even this was still in the realm of uncertainty. Of course, it mattered little for the moment. "Who… who are you?" he kept going. "I'm Shinji Ikari. What is your name?"
The presumed girl's head turned to the side; she was clearly curious about him, but for some reason, did not reply to his greeting; after a few more careful questions on Shinji's side, her face changed from a wide smile and curious gaze to a deeply ponderous expression only small children are capable of; Shinji, as much as he did not want to admit that, felt a twinge of relief.
"Do you… do you live here?" he tried again after a few moments of silence had passed, gesturing in the general direction of the mansion. "I thought just mom lived here, she never said–" he continued, only to stop abruptly at the sight of what was happening: the girl in front of him took a step forward, crossed through the table as if never existed, and he suddenly found his personal space invaded by a blue-haired, shark-toothed, short girl.
What was even more worrying, the invader seemed to have a strong intent on learning more about him, and, right now, was in the process of sniffing him and visually scrutinising every visible part of him; for some reason, this was making his skin tingle in an unpleasant manner. 'Is… is she wondering whether I'm a good dessert after that chocolate cake?' sprung to his mind. 'No, impossible; that'd be the wrong order: you have your dinner first, then cake', he decided, dismissing his worries for a second – only for them to return immediately with another realisation: 'I am, effectively, on the other side of the mirror right now. Who knows what rules apply here?' came to him with his fear growing as he watched the girl's expression change between curiosity, annoyance, worry, anger, satisfaction, and confusion every few seconds.
Finally, though, she seemed to have decided not to put the teeth she so happily presented a few moments ago to use in any other way than yet another smile. Instead, she grabbed Shinji's hand – and Shinji gasped in pain as the sensation of a thousand needles piercing his skin made him flinch and pull his hand away. The girl's smile vanished, immediately replaced by a frown as she stared at her hand.
"Um… that hurt?" he explained in an apologetic tone.
The frown on the girl's face suddenly turned into realisation; she reached to him again, this time not grabbing, but waiting, almost as if she wanted him to touch her instead.
Shinji hesitated – and the frown on the girl's face returned; she seemed to ponder for a moment, then she grabbed her other hand a few times before extending her hand towards him again.
"Um… you mean… it's safe now?" Shinji tried. This whole situation was getting weirder and weirder with every passing moment, but he had to admit that his curiosity was growing.
The girl nodded eagerly, her hand still extended and Shinji decided to take his chances; he did his best not to flinch when their hands were to touch again – and was pleasantly surprised when he touched nothing but soft, dry, and a little bit cold skin. The girl smiled widely again – and pulled him away from the table with a strength someone her age and stature had no business having; surprised by this and fuelled by his curiosity, Shinji decided that it was better not to resist. After all, his mom and Doctor Soryu raised no objections at all, neither to the girl's presence nor to her actions – so it had to be safe.
For some reason, it eluded him entirely that they were paying absolutely no attention to him.
...
Asuka was sitting on the ledge of the Cage's walkway, her legs swinging freely. A cafeteria tray was sitting next to her, filled with now-empty paper plates left from her dinner and a few snack packs, some half-empty, some unopened.
The other people present – the Evangelion maintenance staff and the Science Department technicians who were running the endless tests on Unit-01 – kept ignoring her. They were already used to her somewhat irregular but persistent presence in the Cages and Lieutenant Ibuki had ordered them not to ask Pilot Soryu to leave as long as she "did not make their work harder" and "her presence or activity did not disrupt the sensors". Odd as the order sounded to them, they complied with only a few hushed comments shared between themselves. After all, the pilots always had very wide access to NERV facilities, second only to the highest-ranking staff. On the other hand, the Cages have always been on a need-to-access basis. Still, since everything that happened in NERV happened for a reason, it could be logically concluded that since Pilot Soryu was allowed to be here, it meant she needed to be here. Even if her presence did feel irregular and somewhat out of place.
"You wouldn't believe what I had to go through to get all this", she spoke as she put the half-empty box with salty crackers down on the tray and looked Unit-01 in the eye again. For some reason she could not exactly put into words, the unblinking eyes of the being in front of her did not terrify her; she wrote it off as being used to Evangelions all her life and refused to dwell on it further. "First, they objected to me being allowed to eat there at all, almost as if they forgot I work here. When I said I had the Major's permission, they checked it in the system and gave in, but then, then they told me I'm not on the regular chow list! That I am supposed to be eating at school, at home, or only during test days, otherwise it is disruptive to their supply process. As if anyone cared!" she shrugged and rolled her eyes. "For a canteen that was supposed to feed the entire personnel of a big unit, they were unusually fussy about a single meal", she paused and reached for a few crackers. "Yeah, yeah, I hear you already, this is not exactly a single meal, you'd say. Yeah, sure, I took some for later. I'm not going anywhere for a while, right? Besides, if you finally decided to move your ass from the inside of this ugly–" she stopped suddenly, reminding herself that she was not alone and that while she might be getting a pass for talking to an Evangelion, she did not have one to be rude about an Evangelion. "From the inside of this Death on Two Legs, you might need something to eat", she paused to chew for a few long moments.
"Shit, normally now it'd be the time for you to be confused, and me to explain why Death on Two Legs is important, what does this mean, and that Freddie and Eddie are two very different people", she started again, her tone far more wistful now. She clenched her teeth, suddenly aware that the tears were not too far away down that path – and this was not something she could afford. Not here, not now.
"So… yeah. I've got some stuff for you to eat, idiot", she added as she straightened herself. "On the other hand, there's still a possibility you'd make your exit in some stupid way and land face-first on the walkway, so you'd be eating for the next few days through a drip and I'd get to laugh at you!" she grinned as she stared in the eyes above her.
'And what I'd give to do just that', she admitted to herself quietly. 'And watch you scramble for a reply, only to end up with an apology, letting me scold you for lacking a spine… Fuck', she let out a heavy sigh. 'I miss you, idiot. I really miss you. And I hope this will help draw you out, because if… if this continues…'
She shook the thoughts off again as she shut her eyes tight; this was not how this was supposed to be going. Yes, it was difficult to keep her mind on track; yes, it was difficult to keep a brave face; yes, it was difficult to stay her usual self among the people around her. But this was exactly what she was supposed to do. Not for Misato's sake, not for the organisation that could barely keep it together as it was – but for herself.
And so, after only a few deep breaths and a few snacks more to put her mind at ease for a bit more, she tossed her head back, stared into those huge, weird eyes once more – and started talking in a very different, light tone: "You've missed quite a lot at school, you know. Hikari has a whole file ready for you, just for the time you come out. I imagine how this catching up will look like, and how much help you're going to need…" she carried on, describing the dreadful fate awaiting him with mock delight in her tone.
All that time, the activities around her continued, the technicians and workers paying absolutely no attention to her words.
And all that time, Unit-01 stood there as it did before – unmoved by anything, somewhat marred but definitely not broken, cracked in places but not crushed; a silent monument keeping its secrets, a shell that right now contained a few more souls than it was ever supposed to contain.
...
"Where are we going?" Shinji asked as the girl kept pulling him by his hand even after they crossed the treeline. 'She's bringing me here to eat me in peace, away from mom's eyes' sprung to his mind again, only to be dismissed. 'The fact that she looks scary doesn't mean she's not friendly!' he decided – and his mood immediately turned to sad as Asuka's face came to his mind.
Fortunately for him, he had no time to ponder on that thought; going deeper and deeper into the forest required a lot of attention and, at least once, resulted in him hitting his head on a branch when said attention slipped for a short moment. His guide seemed to be quite good at navigating the area – but she was making a common mistake of someone operating on instinct: in her choice of path, she did not accommodate for the fact that the other person was different from her – in this case, noticeably taller and wider.
Fortunately for Shinji, the pain was quickly subsiding, and they seemed to have reached their destination only a moment later. After passing a particularly deep wall of shrubbery near a wall, he found himself in a very odd place. He would normally call it a clearing, except the only reason for that would be because it was devoid of growing, living trees; aside from that, it was very far from clear. Quite the opposite: it was full of tree stumps, wind-fallen trees, and twisted branches in various forms and shapes, ranging from gnarly but otherwise pretty normal, through things one could climb and rest on, to wooden constructions outright resembling mundane objects, up to and including hospital equipment and computer screens. All this, perfectly silent, carpeted with extensive moss bed and dead leaves, bathed in static wisps of mist, covered in mushroom caps, various other fungal growths, and creeping vines gave him an eerie feeling, heavily contrasting with the sunny and perfectly ordered, regulated forest outside. The only thing in common that Shinji noticed between those worlds was a complete lack of any insects and animals – but otherwise, they could not be different while still fitting the general concept of being sylvan.
The girl let go of his hand and climbed one of the logs with speed, agility, and precision that few children and no adults could hope for; before Shinji could blink, she was sitting atop one of the gnarled, mushroom-covered wooden constructions – and the moment she was there, and only then, it became clear to Shinji that this was supposed to be something of a throne. She smiled widely at him the moment she took her place there, looking from above at his confused face – but there was nothing but happiness in that smile and playfulness in that glare.
"Okay…" he finally managed to speak. "This is your place, right? Your… room?"
The girl nodded intensely, her smile widening; she took a quick look around, jumped down from the throne, slid down a log with the same unbelievable agility, and landed next to a particularly dense cluster of vines. A few moments of her frantic activity later, a very confused Shinji was presented with an upside-down, plate-sized mushroom cap full of various small fruits.
"Um… thank you?" he managed to say, unsure what he was supposed to do. On one hand, he was clearly being seen as a guest and offered food; not eating would be very rude. On the other, he recognised absolutely none of the fruits; moreover, this place's eerie atmosphere brought some memories of folk tales, both Japanese and Western, tales that specifically and strongly suggested that eating the food of strange creatures while in their domain was a patently bad idea.
The girl motioned the "bowl" towards him again, suggesting in no uncertain terms what was expected of him. It seemed that he was about to make the choice between being rude to someone who was friendly to him and taking a chance with his very life – or, depending on the retelling, with his very soul.
"Can you… can you perhaps tell me what those are?" he asked carefully. "Um… can you… can you speak at all?" he tried and winced, suddenly aware of how rude that sounded.
The girl's face frowned, signs of frustration appearing all over it; she put the mushroom cap down on one of the stumps and squatted next to it, deep in thought; Shinji, already feeling bad about not accepting the gift of food, followed suit in an attempt not to offend her even more. The girl, her face now expressing a realisation, reached into the "bowl", picked a few of the fruits up, and devoured them in one bite, smiling her usual wide – and still invariably disturbing to him – smile a moment later.
"I guess that means it's safe", Shinji concluded with a careful smile – and reached into the cap.
...
The Cages were quite dark most of the time, with limited LED-based indicators showing the evacuation paths and the basic directions. The big lights were activated only when someone who needed them to work on Evangelions entered the halls – and by this hour, the team working on Unit-01 had left on the orders of Commander Ikari, brought to them by Lieutenant Ibuki. There were some objections raised by the team, of course – but the Lieutenant explained, that while the Commander "understood their enthusiasm and appreciated their fervour", he also "expected them to be in good condition should the next Angel attack happen, and there is no predicting on when than could be", and therefore, they were limited to two shifts in a row at most.
Asuka, unaffected by those orders – after all, she was not on duty right now and her Evangelion was in recovery anyway – did not mind their absence at all. She was used to being alone, and fewer people present meant fewer people that could see her face and – most importantly – the feelings displayed on it, feelings that were becoming more and more obvious as she kept talking to Unit-01 and – at least in her hopes – to Shinji.
But even Asuka's endurance had limits – not to mention, she was not exactly eager to listen to Misato's lecture about her responsibilities again. And so, once the final snacks were gone, Asuka's musings on the nature of Evangelions ran out, there was no more school gossip to tell, and her digressions on pop culture drew to an end, she let out a heavy breath and climbed back to her feet. "Time to go", she declared. "Pity that you didn't decide to get out while I was here, really. If you decide to do that while I'm not here, I'm going to be really annoyed with you, you know", she added with a lop-sided grin, turned away – and hesitated.
She took a good look around; there was nobody there, she was quite sure about that – but she was not going to take any chances. Having made sure that she was alone, she took a careful step forward and put both of her hands on the scratched frontal armour of Unit-01, resting her head against the protruding Core.
"I know you're there", she whispered. "And I know you still might be angry at me. I get it. But… I love you, idiot. And I want you to come back. I… I don't know if you hear me, and I don't care. But I want you to come back, and I'll be waiting."
She paused for a few long moments.
"There. I said it again", she added in the same whisper. "And if you didn't hear it, well, your loss", she added with a tearful chuckle before taking a step back.
"And don't you dare stay there for too long", she added aloud in the general direction of Unit-01. "The amount of chores to do in your place is killing me!"
She turned, picked up the tray full of empty packages and wraps, and left without looking back. This was neither the time nor the place for crying; a single expression she allowed herself as she was walking through the Cages to the elevator was a frown and a shrug at yet another small shrine tucked away in the bend of the corridor.
She knew this was going to be yet another bad night and even worse morning – but at least she got to spend some time here. And this made it somewhat bearable.
At least for now.
...
'If regret had a taste, that would be it' was Shinji's first thought after biting into the oblong-shaped, purplish fruit he chose from the makeshift bowl. It did not taste bad, per se. It just did not taste like any fruit Shinji had ever eaten – or, to be more precise, it did not taste like anything Shinji had ever eaten. It tasted both sour and like loneliness, with undertones of fear mixed with tartness. His rational mind tried to tell him that this was plainly impossible – after all, food could simply not taste like emotions – but the sensations he was experiencing right now were telling him something else.
He opened his eyes he had shut the moment the sensations overwhelmed him – and met the stare of the big, red eyes in front of him, now looking at him expectantly. There were, of course, no words exchanged – he no longer expected them – but there was a very obvious question posed by this stare.
"It's… unusual", he tried. "I… I never… I mean, it's a very new taste", he stated, still fighting the almost numbing effect this taste had on his tongue. 'Technically correct, the best kind of correct!' sprung to his mind, once more invoking the image of Asuka, the image that right now, matched the feelings he just tasted very well.
And he breathed a small and discreet breath of relief when he realised that his strange host had apparently taken this as a compliment – but his relief quickly turned to panic when the girl reached for the improvised bowl and extended it towards him again. He knew that this meant he was going to taste something odd again and could only hope – and perhaps pray – that the next fruit would not contain panic wrapped in bitterness or suicidal thoughts wrapped in a sixth taste that would drive him insane. He was aware that the risk of that was distinctly low – but his list of the strangest things that have happened to him was being rapidly expanded – and he was not exactly happy about that.
His salvation came from an unexpected direction.
"Shinji!" a familiar voice rang from behind the tall trees and thick shrubberies. "Shinji, are you there?"
The girl momentarily jumped up, her expression surprised and nervous, her hands dropping everything; the "bowl" fell to the mossy floor, scattering the fruits and rolling behind some logs. The girl waved her hands in panic for a short moment before grabbing his hand again and diving towards the barely visible hole in the shrubbery, the same they came in through – and within a few very scratchy seconds, he was surrounded by the regular, orderly forest once more. The girl smiled at him – he could have sworn this smile was somewhat embarrassed now – let go of his hand, and dived back between the dense branches and bushes.
He was alone again, and the only reassurance that this really happened was the oddest aftertaste in his mouth and the fading sensations of scratches on his skin.
"Shin-jiii!" a call carried again over the forest, now in his mother's voice, bringing him to reality again.
"I'm – I'm here", he declared. "I'm here!" he repeated louder and headed in the general direction of the voice.
"Ha, here you are indeed!" he suddenly heard far closer in the voice of Doctor Soryu. "We've been looking everywhere for you", she added with a hint of relief in her tone.
"I'm sorry", he replied automatically as he turned towards the direction whence the voice came. "I just kind of wandered off", he admitted half-truthfully as he saw the redheaded woman emerging from between the trees.
"Are you all right?" Doctor Soryu checked, glancing him over quickly with a content smile on her face.
"Um… yes?" he replied with a confused expression. "It's not that there are snakes here, right?"
"None at all", she chuckled in response. "You might have noticed that very few things move here, right? And let me guess, we bored you to tears with our theories and deliberations?"
"Well…" Shinji looked away. Something was telling him that he was not supposed to say anything about the secret hideout – or, perhaps, even the very existence of the strange girl – and this was a good excuse to avoid mentioning this strange adventure. On the other hand, it felt quite dishonest, not even fitting into the technically correct area he was relatively comfortable with. After all, to be bored, he would have to be listening to their conversation. "It was far beyond anything I could understand, I think", he finally admitted.
"I'm sorry", Doctor Soryu said, sounding genuinely apologetic. "Ikari… I mean, your mother… she tends to get very technical, and I often follow her in that out of sheer habit. But I think we have found a solution. Come. We need to talk, and we're going to have a moment while your mother goes through her library."
Shinji frowned for a second, his expression worried. "Talk?" he asked as he followed her towards the path.
"Ikari, I found him! Go ahead!" she yelled out and listened for an acknowledgement before turning his attention back to him. "Yes", she confirmed – and laughed as she saw his worried face. "Don't worry, I won't bore you with the theories and calculations, I barely grasp the details myself; your mother is much better at the souls and incarnations part of the Evangelion. I was always more specialised in biology. I want to talk to you about Asuka, if you don't mind", she explained with a warm smile.
"Asuka?" his worry turned into borderline panic. "I'm – I'm – I'm sorry."
"What?" Doctor Soryu paused in her walk, her expression changing from a smile to a frown of confusion, followed by a small chuckle. "Oh. No, no, I don't blame you for anything. Don't worry about that. I know things are… difficult for you. Both of you, I mean. And it's not going to be a… how do the Americans call it… shovel talk" she said the last two words in English, with another small chuckle. "I don't know what you were expecting, but I'm not going to yell at you for dating my daughter. Nor for the fact you two were fighting; those things happen. I actually want to… well, help you a bit."
"Help me?" Shinji managed despite the embarrassment he felt, perfectly demonstrated by his burning ears and flushed cheeks. "How?"
"Well, I know Asuka, wonderful as she is, is not the… easiest person to be around. And I know all too well that my absence in her life is to blame", she said with a shadow of sadness passing through her face for a moment, "but this doesn't mean that she's supposed to be impossible to be around. And I want her to be happy, more than anything in the world… and I think – no, I know for a fact that you were contributing to that happiness… well, quite a lot. So, I want to make it as easy for you as possible. If you're willing to give her another chance, that is."
Shinji pondered for a moment; he heard some rumours about how best-intended interventions from parents were often a kiss of death to a relationship – but since neither the Doctor nor his mother could intervene directly, at least not for now, he decided it could be worth the risk. 'Asuka's mom is the second-best source of information about Asuka, right? Or third-best, if we count Misato-san… except her relationship advice was never very good', he admitted to himself. "I'd like that, Doctor Soryu."
"Wonderful", she smiled. "Let's make some fresh tea – and then we can talk while your mom works."
Shinji nodded and followed her as they finally reached the path and slowly made their way out to the clearing. He did so without looking back – and most likely for the better. It would have been difficult for him to hide his nervousness, had he noticed the red eyes again – and the smaller, yet still present smile.
After all, curiosity and the thirst for novelty was a powerful force.