Hi there! 2 weeks have already passed from this new year. That's crazy! But here I am, with a new update, hope you enjoy it. I sprinkled a bit of angst, hope it will fuel you for the next 2 weeks :)
But I need to confess, I have run of completed chapters, and if, by any chance the chapters get more than 2 weeks to get updated, I'm sorry, I have a lot of things on my plate at the time, and I can only find an hour here and there to work on my story, and considering how long I like to make my chapters, it takes me a while to come up with a complete one. Still, I will do my best to be consistent
Oh, and please don't be mad at me for what I did to a character in this chapter. I needed a little bit of trauma for Dimitri, and didn't come up with another idea :)
CHAPTER 30 - I found a liquor store… and drank it
Rose's POV
The pills work. My mood throughout the day got better because I got enough sleep and the nightmares didn't get to me, but what I was the most grateful for was that Dimitri's mood improved too. For once, I haven't seen him tense and on the edge, and I am so grateful for that.
Sure, these days, I kind of missed being able to use the spirit, but I think it's a good enough sacrifice for some peace of mind, at least for now. Dimitri and I got to an agreement that I should stop messing with spirit for a while, until we figure out a way to make this all work, and I'm looking forward to the day I can practice again.
Still, no matter how hard we tried, it wasn't enough. Because the pills worked. But only for some nights. About two weeks or so. It was fun while it lasted, I guess.
As the days passed, well, the nights slowly started getting harder again. I have no explanation for it, but the pills aren't as effective anymore, the longer I continue the treatment. And slowly, but surely, my nightmares are back. Not that often, but they still come. Still, I guess the pills numb our connection well enough so that Dimitri feels none of my night terrors, as he hasn't barged into my room yet. And I don't want to worry him about this. He thinks my therapy is working, and to some extent, I guess it is, as Damien didn't voice any worry, and Dimitri has had a fucking break from it all, for once in a long time, and if I can keep him away from all this shit, I figure I can deal with the nightmares by myself. I hope I can.
Dimitri's POV
I know it's just a bunch of sleeping pills and I know that a consequence of Rose using them is the fact that I cannot tap into her whenever I feel like it's appropriate, and I know they're doing her good, but it still pisses me off that I don't know her state. I know that if it was a normal situation between a guardian and their charge this kind of connection wouldn't exist and I couldn't rely on that, but we're talking about Rose. There is no such thing as a normal situation when things involve her. And for me to just rely on her words, telling me she's feeling alright, doesn't do it for me either because I have a lot of suspicions about her visits to Damien. And I just can't go to her and ask her if she's really putting in the work because it would mean to her that I don't trust her, and I don't want to hurt her like that. You see what I'm dealing with now?
And on top of that, I cannot reach her phone! Call me paranoid or whatever, but she told me she was going to sleep an hour ago, but Adrian told me he just talked to her, so what is she up to? And if she had nothing to hide, why didn't she tell me, so that I could join her? Where is she? And why do I have this sinking feeling that something is wrong?
Okay, Dimitri, get a grip. I need to let this pass. She knows what she's doing. I trust her. If there was a problem, I'm sure she would have told me about it.
Still, fifteen minutes later, I find myself going in circles around the Court, looking for her, as I didn't find her in her room. But better safe than sorry, right? I'd better have her get a little mad at me than ignore this bad feeling than to have something worse happening.
As I ask him about her whereabouts, I end up dragging Mikhail into my little frenzy, and now we're both looking for her, trying not to attract too much attention. Thank god that most people are in their rooms by this hour. Only that she isn't!
And how the hell could I have been this stupid and didn't search there in the first place?!
When genius strikes me, I change direction and run toward the gardens.
And there she is. Only that…
Oh, god, Rose, what is going on?
I find her sitting on the ground, her back against a bench, and getting closer, I see how blue her skin is, thanks to the coldness outside. And she's so naked too, only in a thin pajama dress, but it's like she doesn't even notice that she's shaking all over.
I put my coat over her, trying to remedy at least one problem.
She turns her head and looks at me through dozy eyes. "Dimitri?"
"Yes. It's me."
"I'm sorry."
"What for?"
"Everything I've done. All this shit… I'm sorry. I tried, but it's not working. Nothing is working."
"Rose, what are you talking about?" but she doesn't respond.
Her eyes close completely and it seems like she fell asleep. Oh, I have such a bad feeling about this.
"Rose." I shake her, but it's useless. She groans, annoyed by the disturbance, but doesn't open her eyes.
"Leave me alone."
I don't. I continue to shake her and pat her cheek, urging her to wake up, and she finally opens her eyes again, but she doesn't plan to stay like this for too long.
"No, no, no. Rose, talk to me. Don't close your eyes."
I have a bad hunch about this, and for once, I wish I'm wrong.
"Am I dreaming?"
"No. You're awake." if this can be called awake.
"I'm still awake?" she sounds so disappointed.
"Yes, yes, you are awake. And don't you dare close your eyes. Gods, what have you done? Gods, Rose, you scare me. Please tell me you didn't…"
I need to check that fucking pill bottle!
But do I?
No, I will not let panic settle in.
Instead, I focus on doing as much damage control as I can. I pick her up and head toward her room.
I feel her fingers slowly walk on my cheek.
"I hope I dream of you tonight. If I don't get one of those nasty ones instead, you know…"
She still gets those? God damnit Rose. No wonder she did what I think she did.
"Hey, don't you fall asleep." I shake her before I proceed to open the door of her room.
"It's alright. Don't worry. I just couldn't sleep after my pill and I went out there. It's so peaceful."
I let her sit on the bed and after I cover her with blankets, I crouch in front of her.
"And what else have you done?"
"Nothing, I just…" she waves her hand and is surprised she doesn't find something in it. "Where is my- the pills…"
Now I don't need any more confirmation of my suspicion.
"How many you took? One more?" she rubs her eyes, like trying to keep the sleepiness away. "Rose, I need you to focus. How many did you take?" Please god tell me it's only one more.
"Some more…"
"Some more?!"
"Don't be mad. I just wanted to sleep peacefully. All I want is a peaceful sleep, Dimitri. I can't keep on dreaming about that. It's driving me insane. I feel so guilty. It never goes away…"
"When did you take them?"
"I'm sorry. Please don't get mad at me."
"Rose, you need to answer me. When did you take those damned pills?"
"Eleven…thirty? What time is it? Midnight? Oh, I don't know…"
Okay. It's 11:42, so I might have a chance. But I need to move fast.
I get a hold of her cheeks, in order to make her pay attention to me.
"This is going to be unpleasant, but I'll have to-"
"It's working, you know?"
I get her to her feet and guide her toward the bathroom. I'm not going to let it work!
As I'm preparing water and a bunch of towels, Mikhail comes inside the room.
"Rose, are you here?"
"Bathroom!"
Opening the door, I see him having that damned flask in his hand.
"How many are left in there?"
"Five."
We got it refilled two days ago, for two weeks. Two pills should be missing, but there are only five left.
"Get a doctor. Now. Make it as discrete as possible. No one but us needs to know about this."
As Mikhail rushes out the door, I get a glass of water and get to work.
It is rather difficult to make her drink all that water, but the glass gets empty at some point. Then…
She doesn't protest when I open her mouth, but when I try to push my fingers down her throat, she finds enough strength to push me aside.
"What are you doing?"
"I'm sorry, but I have to do this."
I immobilize her arms, then try once more to make her vomit.
"Let go of me. Dimitri, you're hurting me."
"I'm sorry, but I have to do this."
She keeps on sloppily fighting me, and all that manages to accomplish is to make the vomit end up spreading on the floor. But I think it's better this way. I can see the little red pills resting on the contrasting tiles of the bathroom, and I quickly start counting them.
"Please, stop," she cries as she tries to resist me once more as I make her drink more water, but she is not strong enough to oppose me.
"God, I'm sorry, Roza. I hope you'll understand and you'll forgive me for this."
I make her spill her guts once more, but some pills are still missing.
She's crying and begging me to stop, and I don't find it in myself to make her drink one more glass of water. But if I have to-
Mikhail gets back, pushing the door of the bathroom open once more, and if he didn't like the scene, he didn't say anything about it.
"Got the doctor?"
"He's on his way."
As we're waiting, Rose continues to vomit by herself, some more pills spilling on the floor, mixed with the acid bile.
"No more, please, please, Dimitri," she pleads with me through tears as I lift her face to wipe her mouth.
"Shush, it's alright. They're all out." I hope. "You'll be fine. The doctor is on his way."
Despite what I did to her, she latches onto me and cries her heart out, keeping on apologizing and telling me that she only wanted not to worry me.
The doctor eventually comes and he washes her stomach. That tube is down her throat, her eyes are teary, she's trembling all over from how scared she is, and all I can do is hold her fucking hand!
When it's all done, the doctor assures us she will be alright. She just needs to get the pills she already processed out of her system. There's nothing to be worried about. But little does he know I have so many reasons to be worried.
She is more than exhausted after it's all done, and the pills that managed to get into her system aren't helping. Still, she is conscious enough as I get her cleaned up and changed, as much as I manage without being indecent. I would ask her maid to do this, but I know word will go out, so I prefer to do it. She falls asleep halfway through it, which makes my life harder and easier in some ways.
After I lay her in bed, I go clean up the mess in the bathroom too.
Mikhail is kind enough to offer his help, but I decline. Before he leaves, I have one more thing to tell him.
"You take this to your grave."
He nods. "No word from me will get out, I promise."
"Not even to Ivan." not yet, at least. I need to find a way to tell him about this without telling him about everything else that has been happening.
He nods. "Her wellbeing is my priority."
When I'm done with the cleaning, I take the remaining pills and throw them down the toilet.
We're done with this. No more.
Rose's POV
I wake up with a sore and terribly dry throat. I feel lightheaded and it takes a second for a thought to form in the fog of my brain, but I slowly remember how I got in this shitty state.
I finally open my eyes and the first thing I see is Dimitri. He is sitting on a chair across the room, eyes pinned on me. I cannot figure out his emotions, but I certainly know he's not exuding happiness right now.
I don't dare speak as I try to scoot up to my butt, and he doesn't say anything either. Emphasis on try, because I feel too weak in my arms to be able to support my weight.
Dimitri gets up and helps me up too, gently placing a pillow behind my back, giving me a comfort I don't feel I deserve. After that, he hands me a glass of water.
"Drink up. It might make you feel a little better."
I nod and chug down the water, greedily. It burns all the way into the stomach, but I don't stop. I am so thirsty.
After I put the glass back on the nightstand, I have no other choice but to look into his eyes again.
I open my mouth, but he speaks first.
"I don't want you to get this wrong, Rose, but you must know I'm mad at you. So, so mad."
"I…"
"Do you have any idea what your actions could have led to?" he tries to keep a low tone, but I feel his restrained anger.
I make myself little, pulling my legs under my chin.
"I know I-"
"You know? What do you know, Rose? What were you trying to do? Die from an overdose? Get a fist full of pills and be done with it?"
"You can't overdose that easily from those pills," I hear myself talking and I regret it the second the first word leaves my mouth.
"Fuck, Rose! That's your excuse?! You can't… you can't overdose that easily," he laughs as he paces left and right in front of me, and I prepare myself for the worst. "Did you think of anything else but yourself in those moments?"
"I'm sorry. I don't even know how I managed to take so many pills. I couldn't fall asleep and the more I tried, the more it didn't work and the pills… I thought they'd help…"
He stops pacing and comes closer to the bed. The way he looks at me, makes me think he is going to snap. I'm afraid of what he might do and I shriek away a little more.
But the way he latches his arms around me… it's so tight.
"I know you suffer, Rose. Gods, I know, I swear I know you do. I know how you feel. How the fear can be so unbearable. The guilt. I felt it too. But you… you can't do this to me, Rose. To yourself. You can't... seeing you so out of it… I… Roza…" he lets go of me and walking his thumbs across my cheeks, he looks into my eyes. "Don't make me live through it. Please."
"I'm so sorry." my eyes fill with tears and they don't take long to spill.
"Promise me. Promise me you won't do such a thing ever again. If not for you, then for me. Please think of me if you ever…"
"I wasn't planning to off myself. I was just… I wanted a peaceful sleep."
"But the pills…"
"They…" too ashamed of myself, I look down. "They aren't really working anymore…" he sighs and doesn't ask me why I didn't tell him. "I got so agitated that I couldn't sleep tonight and I thought that… I didn't know what else to do."
He wipes my tears once more and then makes me look at him.
"I can't offer you much, but… I'll be here for you. I am here for you, Rose. Let me be your support. Whatever you need. Whenever you do. I just… don't do this to me, Rose."
"I'm sorry for scaring you."
He pulls me into his arms and soothes my back. "Don't cry. It's alright. You're alright and that's all that matters."
"But you're mad."
"I'm not… not anymore. I understand why you… but you need to promise me you won't ever do such a thing."
"I promise."
"And you need to promise me that if things get worse, even in the slightest, you tell me about it."
"I… I promise." I have proven again and again that I cannot deal with this by myself. Maybe it's time I actually accept the help I'm offered.
With a relieved sigh, he rests his lips on my forehead. "I can't lose you too, Roza," he whispers so faintly that makes me wonder if he even said such a thing.
Thanks to having that fucking tube down my throat, I find it hard to eat anything, and the whole day I feel weak. Of course, this is the repercussion of that big dose of sleeping pills too, and it sucks ass. I even need to be physically supported by Dimitri when, late in the day, I want to go out and have a breath of fresh air.
"I'm sorry," I tell him once more as I rest my forehead against his shoulder, the dizziness getting the best of me.
"You don't have to say that anymore."
"But I do. I've been, indeed, selfish."
I look up, and I want to-
"No," he says the second our eyes meet.
"No what?"
"Not this time. I am going to tell Ivan about it." he knows me so well. I did want to ask him that.
"Please."
"Rose, you-"
"He shouldn't worry about me. I don't want to distract him."
"But you-"
"Please. I promise I'll be good, but don't tell him."
"You tell him then."
"I can't." I'm afraid it will make the problem real, and I'm not ready to face that.
"Fine. I'll tell him."
"What good will that be? You'll just make him worry about something I can solve without implicating him. He has a lot on his plate, Dimitri."
"I'll think about it." and that means he'll go tell Ivan the second he has a chance.
"I know it's hard for you to lie to him, but I'm begging you not to tell him. He has more important things to worry about than me."
"You are important to him too. And this-"
"Please."
"Let's not talk about this, okay? Not now."
"What should we talk about then?"
"Why didn't you tell me?" fuck, I dreaded this question.
"I didn't want you to worry. All you do is worry about me. And not only because it's your job. I take so much of your time that I… you don't deserve this shit."
"Why didn't you tell Damien then?"
"How do you know I didn't?"
"Because I talked to him."
"So there goes patient privacy, huh?"
"Rose, this is serious."
"I know."
"Do you? Then why didn't you take it seriously? Why did you promise me you'd go to the sessions only for you to ditch them or just sit on that sofa and repeat the same thing over and over again, getting nowhere? I thought we had a deal."
"I don't trust him."
"Then why didn't you tell me?"
I have no answer. I know I've done all that, and I can't even feel betrayed by Damien, because I know I was in the wrong. On top of all I did, seeing Dimitri so disappointed in me, makes it all worse.
"I'm sorry."
He sighs. "It's been a long day. You should rest."
He takes me back to my room, and even though I've sat in bed for the most of the day, I'm ready to go to sleep. Only that I need one more thing. But I can't see anything in my drawer.
"You won't find those."
"What?"
"I threw them away."
"Why?"
"You're asking me why?"
"I… please." he shakes his head. "I just need one. I'll only be taking one. You can keep them and give me one. But please." the pills might not be working so well lately, but they still provided me with an easiness in my sleep from time to time. I'm not ready to give up on that.
"No."
In the next second, I find myself latching my fingers onto his T-shirt.
"Give them back to me! You don't understand."
"I do understand."
"No you don't! I can't… Dimitri, please. Please. I can't sleep without them. I need-"
"You don't. Not another night. I talked to Damien and he said it's better this way. It wasn't a big dose that he gave you, so the withdrawal, you won't feel it too intensely. You just might have some problems falling asleep for some nights."
"It was never about falling asleep, and you know it. The nightmares will be back. Worse than they already are. Do you want me to suffer?"
I see it on his face that I hit a sore spot, and I hate myself for saying this to him, but in my desperate state, I'd say anything to make him give me a pill.
"Do I ever want you to suffer?"
"Why don't you give the pills back to me then?"
"Because they're bad to you."
"They're not! They're helping me! Can't you see that?"
"They're helping you? Help you how exactly? Helping you almost kill yourself?"
"Don't do that. You said you understand. You took me to Damien. You came with the idea to try that. He gave me a thing to help me and now you're taking it away. That's cruel."
"I'm not trying to be cruel, and I do understand. But I am not letting you to get any pill."
"Please, Dimitri, just give me one more. I promise I'll stop from tomorrow," I hear myself plead with him through tears, and god, I wonder when I became so pathetic.
"No. You can't continue like this, Rose."
"Continue what?"
"Fucking yourself over. Sabotaging yourself every chance you get. Don't you-"
"What?"
"All of this. All that's going on lately. It's like you're trying to kill yourself slowly."
"I don't know how! I don't know how else to cope! And I don't know how to stop! You're saying that like it's the easiest thing ever! But my life has been constantly falling apart and I cannot fucking stop this snowball from rolling! And you just sit there and talk! And judge me! You don't understand shit!"
"It's not easy! I know damned well it's not! Do you think that if I look like I have them all together, do I actually have it together?! I might have not been through the things you've been through, Rose, but my life hasn't been easy either. So I'm clinging to all the good things I can find. And you… you're a good thing in my life. So I want to hold on to you. But you keep on doing these things to yourself, and I won't stand by and watch you do that." he pulls me into his embrace when I want to turn my back to him. "Don't go. I won't let you. I just… talk to me."
"I don't know what to say. How to make you understand that I need-"
"Rose, those pills are not making you better. You don't need them."
"I do. I need them. I don't want to go back to how it was before."
"We can find another way."
"There's no other way…"
"Roza…" he lifts my face off his chest and passes his fingers through my hair. "You're stronger than this. I know you are."
"I'm obviously not. I don't know how to…"
"Then accept a little help."
"I don't know how to do that either. I don't know how… I'm so sorry. I never meant for things to get like this."
He wipes my tears and attempts a little smile. "We'll find a way. I promise."
"How? You can't just be everywhere, all the time."
"I can try."
"Dimitri…"
"What if, for now, let's deal with the task at hand."
"I don't want to fall asleep. I'm afraid…"
"I know. But I'll be here, I promise."
"I have one condition."
"Which is?"
"You don't take the chair. And you actually try to sleep too."
He agrees, then we get in my bed and lie down.
I try to keep my eyes closed, but my mind is racing, so falling asleep is out of the cards for a while.
He doesn't seem too keen on falling asleep either because despite me keeping my position in bed, with my back to him, he shifts it often. I wonder what's passing through his mind.
"Dimitri?"
"Yes?"
I've had this thought stuck in my head the whole day, and now feels as good of a moment as it would ever be.
"This morning… you said…"
"I know what I said."
"Who…"
"I've lost a lot of people over the years. A lot of friends. To Strigoi, mostly. It's the life we have…"
"But that doesn't make it any easier."
"Yes, it never gets easier." in the span of his silence, I feel his fingers slowly playing on my back. "You know, when I saw you… when I realized what you've done…" he sighs. "You need to swear to me you'll never-"
"I swear. I'll never…."
"Good. Because I can't go through that again." that thing again.
I turn around to face him. "What do you mean by that?" seeing the hurting in his eyes, I regret inquiring. "I shouldn't have-"
"My sister." he puts my hair behind my ear.
"So, you have four sisters?"
"No. Just three. But I guess I still mention her because… it didn't happen too long ago. It's been a year since…" he shrugs. "Sometimes I forget…"
"What was her name?"
"Sonya."
"I'm so sorry."
"It's alright. It passed."
"And I'm sorry I…"
"It passed. Don't dwell on it."
The sleep eventually came, with a little help from Dimitri, and to my surprise, I managed to sleep well and without any incident. I cannot base all my next experiences on this night, though. But I'll try. I promised I would.
But you know, when one problem comes, another has to follow.
Ivan comes to visit me the next day, and he delivers some news.
Our engagement party will take place tomorrow. To make things as official as they can get.
The king has been organizing it for a little while, but you know, no one wanted to tell me about it, fearing I might go crazy again and run away. And to be honest, I still might. The closer we get to my wedding day, the more scared I get.
But what Ivan says next makes me forget about my escape plan.
"Do you think you could deal with tomorrow night?"
"Why wouldn't I?"
"I… I don't know, maybe you don't feel prepared to be in a crowd or-"
"Don't I?"
"You tell me."
I smile. "You're awful at beating it not giving yourself up, Ivan."
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"Cut the crap." I'm getting annoyed and him beating it around the bush isn't helping. "What did he tell you?"
Seeing that I figured it out, he sighs and confesses that he talked to Dimitri.
"He's so worried for you. I am too."
That makes me laugh. "Worried for me. Maybe you should be worrying about yourself. And Dimitri… I am none of his business."
"You are all his business, Rose. And I… I want you to tell me stuff like this."
"Why would I? There's nothing you can do anyway."
"I can listen. Don't you trust me with as little as that?"
"I don't need another therapist, okay? I just… let's just do our business. Don't worry about me." I head toward the door after I grab my coat.
"Rose-"
"I'll deal with it, okay? You won't have a crazy fiancé or wife or whatever, I promise. I'll be fine."
I get out the door and go look for Dimitri.
This little fucker! We'll deal with it! We'll find a way! He promised! All, a fucking lie!
I spot him in the cafeteria.
He sees me from across the room, and doesn't move a muscle to come my way. Fine.
I go to him, grab his hand and drag him out. We'll need some privacy for the words I'm planning to say.
"We had a deal."
"No, we didn't."
"You said-"
"I said I'll think about it."
"And you obviously did. What happened to we'll figure it out? Since when does that involve Ivan?"
"It's different this time, and you know it."
"Yeah, and that entitled you to tell him everything!"
I am angry, and he gets angry in return.
"I didn't even tell him half of it! I left out so much, you have no idea."
"Like it matters!"
"It does! Because he deserves to know! He can help you more than I can."
"That gives you no right to break my trust! I… I fucking hate you!"
He smiles. "I can live with that. As long as you're safe, Rose, I don't care what feelings you have towards me."
"You… you… ugh!"
Dimitri's POV
I let her go. Fighting with her now wouldn't help. Maybe she's right about me breaking her trust, but I know I did the right thing. Ivan deserves to know. He should have known everything from the get-go.
I know she acted like this because she's scared of Ivan knowing about it, but she'll learn that he only wants what's best for her. We both do. But I shouldn't have gotten so involved. I shouldn't have promised her so much, when I can do so little. He can do more for her than I ever will. And at last, he should be the one to help her. Her future husband. Not me.
I stay out of her way for the rest of the day, but her bad mood rubs off onto me. I try, I swear I try to fight it, to keep her away, but it's too much. Our connection has been numbed for the past days thanks to those pills, but now that they're out of the picture, it comes kicking full force. And she feels so much right now, that I can't block out connection, no matter how hard I try.
When Mikhail proposes we go to a bar for the night, I say yes. It seemed like a good solution at the time.
Rose's POV
Late at night, I stupidly wander the outside of the Court, hoping I'd stumble over Dimitri. No, not for round two, but for a talk. I think- no, I know I've said some things I shouldn't have and I want to take them back. It seems like lately, all our interactions end up either with us fighting or with me apologizing.
But when my little wish comes true, I kind of wish it didn't. I found him too early. I haven't even prepared the things I wanted to say!
And the way he looks at me, with a deep frown between his brows, tells me he has some things to tell me too.
I expected way worse, but he just asks me why I'm outside alone. There should have been someone to accompany me. Only that, he tells me all this in a weird way. Like his tongue is playing tricks on him.
And the way he looks at me is weird too. "Are you okay?"
"Do I look okay?"
"Honestly, not really. What's the matter?"
He chuckles. "Oh, you." his hand cupping my cheek, he traces my features with his thumb. "You're the matter. You always are."
"What problem did I cause now?"
"Oh, Roza. Your mere existence is a problem for me."
Ouch. I bite my cheek, praying my tears don't spill.
"I see."
I want to take a step back, but he catches me and pulls me back to him.
"No, not like that."
He wipes the tear that fell, then his hand goes through my hair, and I let him pull me even closer. My face, close to his. Our lips, so close. So close that I finally understand why he's acting like this.
"You're wasted."
He seems to be aware of this for the first time tonight because he blinks twice, as he seems to process that thought.
"Yes, I am."
"Because of me?"
"I'm sorry."
"No, I am. I'm sorry, Dimitri."
I walk away, despite him telling me to wait.
Ivan's POV
I'm wondering what these two are doing. I can't seem to find any of them in their rooms, and it's so late. I only hope it's not fighting.
Oh! There is Rose! Finally!
But seeing how fast she's walking across the vestibule, rings up alarms in my head.
Of course, I need to know what's going on, so I go towards her.
She wants to get past me, but I've already seen her teary eyes, so I'm even more concerned now. What happened between these two again?
"Ivan, please…"
"Hey, what happened?"
"I… he… I… Dimitri… I'm so sorry. I'm really sorry."
I let her go for now. I know I won't get an answer from her, but from Dimitri I might. No. I will.
Thankfully, I don't have to look for him for too long, because he makes his entrance into the building too.
But there's something wrong with the way he walks.
Is he fucking drunk?
If I wasn't pissed earlier, now I definitely am.
"Ivan, my man," he says as he spots me from across the room. He may sound excited to see me, but I am not. "I was looking for you," he continues, as he approaches. Hmm, what a coincidence. "We need to talk." Indeed we do.
"Then let's get up to my room, shall we?"
"I'm sober!" he tries to reach his hand back for me, but doesn't manage to do much damage. "Be done with it, Ivan. I said I'm sober."
"Not until I say so. And stop fighting, you're getting me wet too."
After all, why should I suffer too the consequences of his drunkenness?
"Ivan, I'll kick your ass."
"Not in the state you're in."
And I don't really know how much me holding his head under cold water actually helps. But I do need to wake him up as much as I can.
"I still might try," he threatens as he reaches his arms back once more.
"I'd really like to see that."
"You're being a dickhead."
Okay, yes, I am kind of being a dick now, holding him underwater for my pure satisfaction. And when he stops resisting, I don't find it satisfying anymore.
I let go of him and give him a towel too. He sits on the edge of the bathtub as he wipes his hair.
"What?" he asks when I keep on staring.
"What did you do?"
He shrugs. "I found a liquor store… and drank it."
"What happened to you?" really, this is such an abnormal behavior for him.
"Who says something happened?"
"If I didn't know you better… you never got drunk before. I mean, not like this. What got you this upset?"
"Can't it be that I'm happy?"
"Are you?"
"Why wouldn't I be?"
"And what are you happy about?"
"For what's to come. I am happy. For you, Ivan. Can't I celebrate?"
"You are? Happy?" because this doesn't seem like he is.
"Why wouldn't I be? You found… well, you didn't find her, but she's a great woman nonetheless and now you're engaged to her- well, not yet, but soon it will be official, and she will be your wife and you two will rule us. And soon everyone will celebrate with you. I just wanted to be the first to do that, I guess. I am happy for you, Ivan."
"Oh, you. You're thinking about your lady, aren't you?"
"What?"
"There's no shame in admitting it."
"Admit what?"
"That you're an idiot."
"I beg your pardon?"
"You are. An absolute idiot. You should go for her if you still feel pulled toward her. She's what? Twenty something now? What's holding you back?"
"Ivan, stop. No."
"Why? Give me one good reason."
"The… the timing isn't right."
"Because of what's going on here right now?"
"Yes!" oh, Dimitri and his sense of duty.
"Wouldn't it be better to tell her even if the timing is wrong, than to never tell her at all? Why the useless heartache?"
"It's not that simple, you know?" oh, he's getting pissed, so maybe I'll be able to get a real answer from him.
"Why not?"
"Just… never mind."
"No, no, you're not getting off the hook this fast."
"Getting off the hook? I am allowed to get drunk if I want to, Ivan. And I can get drunk for whatever fucking reason I want, understood?" wow, I've never seen him this angry. Too bad I am angry too.
"Yes, you are. But you should be responsible for what you do while you're drunk too."
"And what did I do?"
"For starters, Rose."
Hearing her name, his expression changes.
"What did she tell you?"
"Nothing. She was too busy crying. And when I asked her why she was crying, all she could mutter was your name and an I'm sorry. So what happened?"
"I think this is something she should tell you because-"
"The fuck it is! What did you do to her?"
"I've been a jerk, okay? I know I have. Do you want a written statement too?"
"You two really cannot find a way to get along, don't you?"
"I don't think we can, Ivan. I'm sorry."
"But she'll be my wife."
"I know. And you two will have a wonderful life together."
"Why are you talking like you won't be part of it? You're supposed to be her guardian."
"Life happens, my friend. You never know what tomorrow brings."
"Don't be an idiot, Dimitri. You're not getting rid of me that easily. Not of her either."
He smiles and I just can't be mad at him anymore. I rest against the sink and temper the tone of my voice.
"Talk to me, buddy. We haven't had the time to do this like we used to."
"I don't know what to tell you. Why don't you tell-" oh, I am not letting him turn this into something about me.
"Tell me about what bothers you. You know you can tell me anything, don't you?"
"I know."
"Then? What's bothering you?" I play the funny card and elbow him. "Is it really your lady?"
Shaking his head, he smiles. "If I say yes, will you drop it?"
"Oh, if you say yes, I will have a million more questions." not that I expect to get any answer to them.
"It is about her."
"Tell me about her." Silence meets me. Of course he wouldn't say anything. God forbid I have a clue about her. "Who would have thought love is what torments you, huh?"
"Yeah, who would have thought?"
"Tell her. You deserve to be happy, Dimitri. Just tell her and see what happens. You might be surprised. You can't go through life wondering what could have been."
"I am not wondering that. Because I already know what will happen if I do tell her."
"What will happen?"
Instead of answering, he gets up and heads into the room. There, he lies in bed, face down. But I am not going to let this pass. I need to know.
Only that he refuses to answer. And no matter how hard I try, he doesn't say a word.
Ultimately, he falls asleep.
Oh, you damned idiot.
While I try to fall asleep on the little sofa, I hear a faint knock at the door.
Opening it, I'm surprised to see Rose.
"Hey there. What happened?"
"I can't sleep."
"Bad dream?"
"Not yet. I couldn't fall asleep to get that." the honesty surprises me. But I guess she doesn't see any reason to lie.
"Come inside."
She does, but when she sees Dimitri sprawled in my bed, she wants to take a step back.
"Oh, I shouldn't-"
"Don't worry about him. He's passed out. We could even draw with a marker on his face and he wouldn't wake up."
She smiles and lets me close the door.
"You know, I… didn't really come here because… I wanted to tell you something."
I pull her toward the sofa, sit with her and take her hands in mine, hoping it brings her some comfort.
"I'm listening."
"I… the reason I have these problems…"
"The sleep problems."
"It's not really just that."
"It isn't?" my eyes drift on instinct toward Dimitri, but she brings my attention back to her by squeezing my hands.
"Please don't be mad at him. I asked him not to tell you."
"Tell me what exactly?"
"If this is going to sound crazy, I understand, and I'll answer your questions as best as I can, but…" she sighs. "I… my magic… it's not a usual one."
Rose's POV
I don't remember when exactly I fell asleep, but when I open my eyes in the morning, I find out that Ivan was nice enough to let me crash on his couch.
I wonder where he slept because his bed-
I hear the door of the bathroom open and see the one I just wanted to mention.
I scramble up to my feet.
"I um… hi."
He nods my way. "Hi."
"I um… last night… I wanted to say-"
"No. I am the one who should apologize. I have-"
"Oh, you two weren't going to start fighting again, weren't you?" Ivan asks as soon as he opens the door and sees us facing each other.
"No," we answer in unison.
"Good. Because we have a full day today."
"I-"
"No, no, there is no time for anything." he cuts me off. "We're already in a hurry."
"In a hurry?"
"Yup. I just saw the dresses you're supposed to choose from for tonight, and they're all terrible. So we need to get you another one."
"I could-"
"No. I don't want you to give up on who you are, especially on this day. I want you to be you and wearing a boring traditional dress won't do it. Just let me know what you're wearing so we can match," he says with a wink. "Dimitri, can I count on you for this trip?"
He takes his stoic stance and nods. "I'll get a car ready."
And with that, he leaves. Instead of leaving too, I sit there and stare stupidly at him.
"Why aren't you rushing out of here. huh?"
"You're not mad at me?"
"Why would I be?"
"Because I… last night…"
"Kiddo. I am glad you told me. Nothing else matters."
Before he sees the tears in my eyes, I hug him.
"Thank you."
"No, thank you. Now a lot more things make sense to me." he looks at me and wipes my eyes. "It will be alright. We'll make this right."
Fifteen minutes later, we're in a car, getting further away from the Court. It's me and Dimitri in the backseat, and Mikhail driving the car.
I don't know if we should continue our talk from earlier, and when he doesn't say anything either, I decide to stay silent too.
But something feels off about him. From time to time, he seems to be struggling to focus, and he even looks at something concerned. Only that that something is a blank spot. There is nothing there that could have gotten his attention.
"Dimitri, what's going on?"
"Nothing."
"The hell it is nothing. You've taken like three Advils in the past half an hour and it hasn't gone away. What's happening?"
"It's just from the hangover."
"Allow me not to believe that. You're having migraines too? Do you want me to-"
"No. You won't do that."
"Why not?"
"Because I think it will only make it worse."
"What do you mean? Make what worse? Your headache?"
He sighs. "You'll keep on asking, so I'd better tell you." the timespan in which the partition lifts feels like an eternity.
And when it finally does, he fucking tells me this: "I see dead people."
"Ha, ha, very funny. So very sixth sense-ish of you. But can you be serious please? I'm really concerned."
"I'm not joking."
"I don't understand."
"I don't either. But... I just see them. Dead people. I saw Nikolai after..."
"Oh, god. I'm so sorry. He..." my eyes fill with tears. "You... because of me you… Oh, god."
"But at least one good thing got out of it. Maybe two."
"What is that? What can be good out of that?"
"I could tell him I'm sorry. He seemed rather forgiving." I wish I could have told him too that I'm sorry.
"What's the other good thing?"
"I can feel when there is a Strigoi around."
"What? That is not possible."
"It is. I get this sick feeling in my stomach. I got one each time I passed next to the place where they are keeping the one we caught. I think it's a good thing. I can be prepared and keep you safe."
But his positive mood doesn't rub off on me. Actually, I am mad.
"And when were you going to tell me about all that?"
"I wasn't going to."
"Why the hell not?"
"You have enough on your plate already with-"
"And you help me with that! I'm sharing very much of my plate with you and you…"
"Hey, don't get mad. I didn't mean to-"
"You don't trust me?" I didn't plan to let my voice break like that, but it happened.
"It's not about that."
"Then what is it about?"
"I didn't want you to worry."
Hearing him, it's hard not to smile.
"Yeah, now I see how stupid that intention is. But fuck, some nightmares and being unable to sleep is normal. Seeing ghosts isn't."
"It became normal. And anyway, I see them when I'm not inside any magical bond of the Court. I guess they can't pass that barrier. So it's not that bad."
"You still should have told me. Maybe I could have helped."
"I don't think anyone can help."
"I'm sorry."
"Rose."
"I brought that on you too." my eyes fill with tears and I hurry to wipe them. "It was selfish of me to-"
"Rose. You didn't let me die. A little bit of the consequences don't mind me. And… I'm sorry for last night. I didn't mean to… It was out of place and I didn't mean it that way."
"You know, sometimes I wish you were more out of place."
"What does that mean?"
"Nothing. I was just talking bullshit. How do you think we can deal with this?"
"We don't have to. Because it isn't a problem."
"Would you at least let me know if it becomes one?"
"Only if you do the same."
"I promise."
"Then I promise too."
I don't know what else to say, so I fall silent. Still, he has something to say.
"So… Ivan. You told him."
"Yeah…"
I came clean to him about my powers and most of the things that happened to me since I healed Dimitri. The only thing I left out was my connection with him and everything that derives from that because that is something I still struggle to understand myself.
"I'm glad you did."
"I'm glad you did too. I don't think I would have ever found the courage if you didn't tell him first about my problem."
With the new dress and all pampered up, the evening finally comes and I need to meet Ivan and finally face reality. It is the party of my engagement, which means there is so little time until my wedding comes.
Dimitri is the one to accompany me to the ballroom, before I'm taken by Ivan.
"Feeling anxious?"
"How can you tell?"
"My arm is getting numb."
Looking down, I see how hard I am gripping it, and let go.
"I'm sorry. I'm a little anxious. I knew I couldn't avoid this moment, but now that it is happening, I'm… I'm a little scared."
He smiles reassuringly. "Ivan will be there, next to you the whole time. And I'll be around too. You have two familiar faces. Don't worry. It will be alright. We'll have your back."
"Thanks." I start walking toward the stairs, but I have to know something. "Quick question. Do I look okay? I hope I didn't mess up my dress. At least for one night Ivan should have a normal fiancé. Or, you know, as close to normal as I can be."
Smiling, he covers the distance between us.
"Just one thing." lifting my arm, he buttons up my dress' cuff, the right way. I guess I was too nervous to realize I'd done it wrong. "Now you're perfect."
"Thank you."
"Good luck," he tells me as I start walking down the stairs.
As promised, Ivan waits for me at the base of the stairs, so that we'd make our big entrance together.
I smile at him when I see he's wearing a dark green tie. So he kept his promise, to match me. And in some way, I am matching him too. The golden accents against my emerald green dress reflect perfectly the nuances of his hair.
I finally make it down there, managing not to trip over thanks to the anxiety that I felt with his eyes on me the whole time I descended.
"Are you going to gawk at me for longer?" I scold him.
"Maybe," he answers with a silly smile.
"I suggest you to stop because it looks stupid. And before you try to say something else, shut up and take my hand already."
He does take my hand, but stops me from moving forward.
"Rose."
"Yes?"
"I want to ask you something."
"What is it?"
"Can you at least… fake it like you love me for tonight?" hearing him say this, I feel all my stoicism leaving my body. I planned to keep things cool between us, not this. But the sincerity in his voice simply disarms me. "It's our engagement party and… you know…"
Trying to keep things cool, I decide to tease him, praying it would make things less serious.
"Yeah, funny thing though. I don't remember you ever asking me. So why should I-"
"As a matter of fact, I do have a ring for you. I've had it all this time, but I haven't found the moment to properly ask you. We mostly argued or I was away, and in the middle of an argument, it didn't seem like the best moment to propose to you. Plus, I didn't want it to be a dull moment, so I kept postponing it, and here we are."
"Fine then. I'll let that pass. Now let's go."
"But still. All the ladies will ask you about your ring."
"Oh…"
"So may I-" he lets go of my hand and takes a step back.
"Don't you fucking dare get to your knee, Ivan."
He chuckles. "Fine, fine. Then I'll just do this." He gets a ring out of his pocket and puts it on my finger.
I turn my hand around to look at the ring.
"Do you like it?"
"I kind of do." It's a golden braided ring, no stone. Just how I like it. "Thanks."
And with that, we go pretend.