(NARVI)
My stomach twisted hard enough to force me awake long before the sun shone in our room. I squeezed my eyes shut and hummed lullabies to myself, praying to fall back asleep, even though the only thing waiting for me in my dreams was an empty space. I was beginning to doubt that what others described as dreams were hallucinations and made-up stories. Vali snored in his bed by the opposite wall, and part of me wanted to touch his hand and absorb whatever tiredness he had.
It was a temptation I couldn't act on. I threw my blanket over my head and chose to stare at darkness instead. The small bag of stones on my beltline grounded me—my small pieces of home. Someday we'd be home again. Someday.
Vali had already been gone for hours when Mum tapped on the bedroom door. "Narvi, are you alright?"
"Yes, Mum."
She cracked the room open and peeked in with a smile. "May I join you?"
I nodded and sat up in bed, where I'd been all day with one of Father's books. While quiet privacy had been nice, I hadn't realized how much time went by until she came in and pinned the curtains open.
"Are you feeling ill? The day's almost over." She sat on the edge of the bed next to me and touched her belly, which she did all the time now. It got bigger every day. "I'm sure your brother and father will be back soon."
"I'm fine." I stretched and rubbed my eyes, wishing my endless exhaustion would let me sleep better that night.
"And what have you been doing in here?"
"Not much. Reading." I showed her Father's book—the same one Vali and I looked at before we found the portal at home. "I'm trying to learn more about the realms and Yggdrasil."
She raised her brow. "Yggdrasil, or Jotunheim?"
I shrugged.
"Have you come across anything in particular? Something you're curious about?"
If I thought she had the answers, I would've spilled my soul for her—hundreds of thousands of questions raced through my head all the time, and the revelation from Father only intensified them all.
"I just wanna understand better," I said, flipping through the pages again as if I hadn't memorized them all.
Mum pulled the book off my lap. "You know, your father said you showed him something last night. How you discovered this hidden ability. Will you show me, too?" The glint in her eyes sparkled when she asked. "Please?"
How could I refuse, even if it was a tired trick, now? I took the candle from the bedside table and snapped to light it. "When I first did this, it was because I was angry. Now, I don't even need to think about it. I just...do it."
She grinned and waved her hand my way. "Go on."
With her cue, I sent cold through the candlestick, snuffing it immediately. "I didn't know it could change my whole body." Snapping again, the candle relit, and I repeated the spell again and again, four times in a row. "Vali isn't as quick with it yet, but he's getting better."
"Practice goes a long way, doesn't it?" She sighed happily. "When I first met your father, we were about your age. He found me in the halls getting into trouble. My skirt caught on fire, and he snuffed it out in less than a second. I spent my life wondering how he did it—now I see it was so innate, he likely never bothered to question if it was unique or not."
"That's why I took the book a few weeks ago. I wanted to see if he wrote anything about cold. Found the portals instead."
She squinted. "I thought Vali said he took it?"
Oops. It was an innocent slip, but I remembered how he took the blame, lying on my behalf in the moment. Was his bravery something I could inherit, too?
Mum noticed how I didn't argue and saw through me. "Did your brother make that up? Tell me the truth."
"It...I..." I closed my eyes in defeat. "Vali didn't take the book. I did. I promise it was only to find out where this came from...when I couldn't find what I was looking for, I showed it to Vali, and that's when we found out he could do it, too."
"Why didn't you ask us, love? Did you think it would matter if you learned it from a book or from our words?"
"Grid said it wasn't allowed; I didn't want to get in trouble for something I couldn't control." I folded my arms and brought my knees up. "I'm sorry."
"Oh, sweetheart. Don't be sorry for discovering this. It was only a matter of time, truly." She patted my blanketed knee, sparing me from skin on skin touch. "Honestly, I'm grateful this is something you and Vali share. I'd hate for this to be something that divides you."
"Right. Because we already have enough of that." I peeked at her without lifting my head. "Did you see how he and Father still looked the same?"
"You mean last night?" She laughed. "That certainly makes sense to me, considering how alike they are the rest of the time. From what I understand, all Jotun people look fairly similar."
Something burned in my chest that I'd asked myself hundreds of times. It was the riddle of my life. The undercurrent of every new skill, every hidden talent, every empty dream. I asked it when I couldn't relate to anyone else, even Vali. I asked it when I couldn't find any clues to how I felt in Father's many books. For the first time, it bubbled from my psyche, finally escaping my lips for the one person who might have the real answer.
"Mum...why am I different?"
She shifted a little, making the whole bed creak uncomfortably. "In what way, my love?"
"In every way." I crossed my legs and rocked slightly, trying to relieve the itching of my blood after holding still for too long. "I don't fit in anywhere. Vali says I learn things faster. I'm quicker with magic than he is. I do things that he can't. You say Jotuns all look the same, but when I show that side of me, I have white hair."
"Well, that's because your hair is different now, silly." She ruffled the front of my hairline, which made me pull back and lean against the wall again to get away.
I fought back an urge to cry by clenching my teeth. "Father said he's never seen a Jotun with white hair."
She puffed her cheeks. "He also told me he's never seen a Jotun woman. Your father isn't an expert on these things. He barely knew anything of Jotunheim when he made this discovery himself; you and Vali are helping him understand it now."
"But what if it means something else? Another thing that sets me apart?" I sniffed back the tear that escaped and wiped my eyes harshly. "I don't like this. I wanna be like everyone else."
"Oh, Narvi, no." She blinked quickly, clearly trying not to weep along with me. "Why would you ever want to lose that which makes you so special?"
Because it hurts to be me. Saying so would devastate her; that, I knew for certain. But now I felt backed into a corner, somewhere between giving too much and not enough.
Mum clicked her tongue to draw my attention again and sighed. "I won't lie to you. I don't know why you're so different from your brother. From the moment you were born—even earlier, in fact—we felt how you were wiser than all of us. Vali has talents, too, and I trust that his will show themselves in time. Try not to compare yourself, and I'll tell him to do the same. You're twins, but you're meant to be separate people. Your father and I wouldn't have it any other way."
I scratched at the wound on my eyebrow—the one I took directly from Vali. Unlike everyone's emotions, this was obvious. For all that Father's origins solved the riddle of my cold spells, there still wasn't an answer for this. It was worth asking her about.
If only Vali had been near so I could take some of his courage.
"Narvi, your destiny hasn't been written yet. Your father used to say: 'I am burdened with glorious purpose.' Such a mindset poisoned his early years, and he got into trouble trying to prove his worth to everyone around him. Please don't be burdened by your potential. Celebrate it. Share it. Let us help you reach whatever peak awaits you."
"Even if what makes me special...shouldn't be possible?" I was only inches away from her. Could've taken her hand and told her what she was thinking. A few seconds and she could know my deepest secret. Maybe she'd know what to do to make it stop.
She leaned in closer. "Are you trying to tell me something?"
The door to the main chamber slammed shut. "Mum?"
I took Vali's arrival as a sign that it wasn't time to tell her yet. "No. I'm fine, really."
"You sure?"
"I'm gonna go back to reading." I settled in with Father's book the way I was before she came in. "Thanks for talking with me."
"Mum? There you are!" Vali burst through our bedroom door and ran to her side. "It was great today. I got to spar and didn't have to watch Modi throw a fit with his minders. The squire helping us said tomorrow we'll get to try a hammer throw."
"We?" she asked with a snicker. "And who are these newfound friends of yours?"
Vali dragged his hand through his hair slowly and muttered, "Some girls."
Mum burst with real laughter and patted Vali's head. "Goodness. Don't tell me I have to start worrying about you and girls now, my love."
"Ugh, Mum...nothing like that." He swatted her away and left the room, likely searching for some of the sweet fruits we had at breakfast.
She rolled her eyes and turned to me again before following him out. "And do you have any interest in meeting the girls, Narvi?"
Her question reminded me of the lecture we got when she told us about Hela. How she came to be pregnant at all. If I wasn't ready to tell her about how I could absorb someone's injuries, I certainly wasn't about to tell her how my heart sank when she and Father said they looked forward to Vali and I both having wives someday. The very idea nauseated me. Maybe that was something he wanted, but I didn't. How could I, if I couldn't stand anyone touching me?
"I think I'll stick with books." I buried myself in the pages ahead and fiddled with the rocks in my bag again. Even if I did get out of the chamber to see outside, it would be to add to my collection. Stones didn't touch or feel or share wounds. Ever respectful of my boundaries, they were perfect companions—ears that never failed, and mouths that never spoke. Beauty beyond measure. They asked for nothing and were always with me.
Girls or not, where would I ever find a partner like that?