Chapter 67
For a whole three weeks, they managed to cope with their new daily routine with some degree of ease.
Emma was regularly picked up for her treatments at the hospital and later brought back. Her condition remained relatively stable; she was tired, feeble, had no appetite, and was plagued by pain that was bearable some days, while on others she tearfully begged Regina to let her go.
In fact, Regina was coping so well with the whole situation that Zelena came over to help on some days, but otherwise she went back to living permanently with her daughter at the old farm. Snow and David also spent more time with Emma, but often just sat with her while she slept.
Despite the chemo and radiation, and Emma's generally poor condition, not even Whale's fear that her bones would heal worse was confirmed, and she got rid of the cast on her arm in a completely timely manner.
It almost seemed as if everything was going too well. So Regina didn't suspect any bad news as she sat in Town Hall going over the minutes of the last City Council meeting while Emma received her chemo.
"Mills," she announced busily as her phone rang, jamming the receiver between her shoulder and jaw to finish typing the sentence she had started.
"Ms. Mills, this is Dr. Heart. It would be important for us to talk... along with Emma. Is it possible for you to come to the clinic?" the calm voice of Emma's oncologist sounded from the other end of the line.
Immediately Regina noticed her heartbeat quickening. "She's fine, though?!" she wanted to know uncertainly, and her hands paused over the keyboard.
There was a brief pause before Heart replied, "For the moment, yes. But it's about an important decision that Emma can't make alone."
"I'll... be right there," Regina replied, ending the call without a goodbye. Frozen, she sat in her desk chair for a while, watching the blinking cursor in her open document on the laptop screen. Finally, she flipped the device closed, shoved it into her bag, and roughly cleaned up her desk before leaving the office and locking it behind her. The drive to the hospital wasn't long, and despite the cryptic call, she wasn't unfocused because she had no idea what it might be about. Emma seemed fine, so she didn't understand the doctor's urgent tone.
When she finally reached the chemo room, slightly rushed, and inquired about Emma, the nurse working that shift sent her to Heart's office. By now increasingly confused, Regina made her way there and knocked briefly, whereupon she was immediately invited in. Her gaze slid around the room and she could see the doctor sitting behind her desk before she spotted Emma sitting in her wheelchair by the window with her arms wrapped around her torso, staring out as if she hadn't heard the knock. "Hello," Regina greeted unimaginatively, glancing at Heart before stepping behind Emma and gently placing a hand on her shoulder. "Hello, love."
Emma flinched slightly, though not because the touch surprised her, but because she didn't know how to handle it at that moment.
Seeking help, Regina looked to the oncologist.
"Please sit down, Regina," Heart asked her, indicating the chair in front of the desk. Her expression was inscrutable, but her gaze also flickered over to Emma for a second.
"It would be nice if someone could explain to me what's going on," the brunette finally burst out. "Why isn't Emma at her chemo?"
The doctor sighed and folded her hands on the table in front of her. "Emma, don't you want to join us over here?"
At first, Emma made no effort to stir or even give any sign that she had heard her at all. But after some silence, she put her hands on the wheels of the wheelchair and turned it with difficulty so that she could look at the two women. "Satisfied?" She knew that her eyes were red and her expression was tense and full of frown lines, and from Regina's look she also knew that she had noticed it immediately as well.
"So... why am I here? What about your chemo, Emma?"
"Regina, as I told you on the phone, it's about a decision that's... not easy," Heart began slowly.
Emma snorted and put her face in her palm. "Am I now not sane and need my girlfriend to make decisions that affect my body?"
"I don't think it can hurt to listen to Regina's opinion, don't you think?"
"I know her opinion on that. But I've decided already, Dr. Heart. I'm sorry you can't accept that," Emma snapped. She wanted nothing more than to be able to end this conversation and go home. But before that, she had to get through the part where Regina learned the truth.
"Okay, whatever's going on, I'd like to know now," she said by then impatiently. "We've decided everything together so far, and we've gotten through every piece of news. So what is it this time?"
Heart took another deep breath and looked Regina in the eye, as Emma had already turned her head away again and was obviously not going to say anything. "We're facing a problem we've had before. Emma's kidneys are starting to strike," she began slowly. "Only... this time it's not an acute functional failure. The organs were already severely affected by the first incident, and now the intensification of therapy has given them the rest. They're still working, but it's going to get less and less."
Regina swallowed past the lump that had formed in her throat and tightened her jaw. "Good... so dialysis again?" she asked.
"In theory, yes, except this time there's no chance Emma's kidneys will recover. She would be permanently on dialysis until maybe a donor organ becomes available in a few years," the doctor explained slowly.
"In a few years? Maybe?" Regina repeated in horror, looking over at her girlfriend.
"Emma's active cancer rules her out as an organ recipient, and only after she's been in remission for five years is there an option for a transplant," Heart continued.
A dull throb spread from Regina's temple throughout her head as her stress-induced migraine kicked in. Silently, she massaged her forehead for a moment. "That's... not very good news, but I guess we can work it out," she finally nodded.
"Regina... Emma is refusing dialysis and any other treatment."
Regina stared at the doctor as if she had misheard. After a while, she turned to her girlfriend. "What?!"
Almost hostilely, Emma met her gaze before lowering it. Her jaw muscles twitched from the force with which she clenched her teeth.
"I'll leave you two alone for a while so you can talk in peace, and I'll be back in fifteen minutes," Heart finally stated, who had been watching the wordless exchange between the two. She rose from her chair, grabbed the lab coat that had been hanging over the backrest, and left her office.
An awkward silence spread through the room before Regina finally whispered, "Emma, why?" There were unshed tears in her eyes. She wanted to understand her girlfriend, she really did. But at that moment, she seemed to lose her footing as she pondered the consequence of Emma's decision.
"Do you really not know?" Emma replied with a counter question. Her voice was rough, revealing that the anger only served to mask her own pain.
"I don't know why you would suddenly make a decision like that on your own. If you refuse dialysis and stop chemo and radiation, you'll die!"
"Do you really think I don't know that?", Emma shouted at her, tears shooting from her eyes and running down her cheeks. With quivering lips she stared at Regina. "I can't go on, Regina. The last few weeks have already been no life, just one humiliation after another. I can't go back on dialysis. This time it would be forever and I feel like I'm just being kept alive artificially because it would be wrong not to try everything with someone my age. But the truth is, everything has been tried and it has failed and I will no longer allow this madness to continue. Having my kidneys stop working is the best opportunity I could get. We now know how it's going to go and we can have some nice last few days."
"Please don't ask me to make a decision like that. Emma, please!" Regina retorted desperately, standing up and leaning down to wrap her arms around her.
"I know I couldn't ask that of you," Emma nodded, her voice suddenly completely calm. Her arms wrapped around Regina's middle as she rested her cheek against her chest. "That's why I decided it on my own," she whispered, gently stroking her back.
"Henry still needs you," Regina tried, taking her face in her hands to look into her eyes. "I need you."
"Henry needs a mother who can be there for him, not the other way around. What he absolutely does not need is my slow decline and that's what it would become if I continue to agree to these treatments," she said in a detached manner. "And as for you... You are a strong, independent woman and don't need someone who will only bring you grief, pain and worry. I would only be a burden to you and prevent you from moving forward."
"There is no forward without you," Regina whispered, lowering her hands along with her gaze.
"I know you can't see straight right now. But if not for you, then do it for me," Emma pleaded quietly, reaching for her hands as she looked up at her. "I'm in pain. And I'm tired. I'm so tired, Regina. Please let me go."
Regina was silent for a while and then nodded. "I respect your decision, of course," she said quietly. "But I'm not behind it. I'm with you to the end, but I don't support dropping out of therapy."
A flicker passed over Emma's face and she swallowed, but nodded. "All right, I guess that's all I can ask." She looked away from her and released her hands, then waited in silence until her doctor returned.
When Dr. Heart re-entered her office, she looked back and forth between the two women. It was immediately apparent to her what a roller coaster ride their emotions had been on. "Did you come to an agreement?" she inquired cautiously.
"No. But nothing has changed," Emma replied. "Enough with the treatments."
The oncologist took a deep breath and nodded. "Unfortunately, in this case, there's nothing I can advise you to do, and so I think you've made the choice you're most comfortable with. I wish there was more I could do for you. I'm sorry. With all my heart."
"You did everything you could," Emma assured her, wringing a wry smile. "It's just that, unfortunately, I don't think my body saw it that way." She shrugged and tilted her head. "That's life."
"What happens now?" Regina wanted to know after she cleared her throat and reached for Emma's hand without looking away from the doctor.
"Emma's kidneys will gradually become less able to excrete excess fluid, so a build-up of fluid is to be expected. It's mostly in the legs and feet, but later on it's very likely going to be in the lungs, which will make it difficult for her to breathe and may lead to severe shortness of breath. In addition, because of the lack of filtering function, toxins gradually accumulate in her blood, which can lead to confusion and seizures. Nausea and vomiting are very common." She broke off briefly and now looked directly at Emma. "You'll be in pain, but we'll treat that. You don't have to be afraid... Once the toxins reach a certain level, you'll get sleepier and sleepier and eventually just won't wake up anymore. We'll be happy to send a palliative care nurse to help you, and you can also contact them day or night."
"I'll... think about it," Emma murmured, squeezing Regina's hand as gently as possible as she looked over at her. She looked so lost and it almost broke her heart. "I know you want to talk all this through with us and ease our fears and reassure us that we're not alone, but... Would it be possible for us to leave now? I just want to go home," Emma asked, stroking Regina's fingers. She had been mentally dealing with the fact that this day would come for a long time. Of course, it was still a shock that it was now becoming real. But she knew that a world was collapsing for Regina right now, and she didn't know how to break her fall.
"Of course you may go. Whatever you need, Emma. Let me know if you want help," Heart nodded.
"How long does she have?" Regina suddenly asked in a monotone voice, who was staring at a ruler on Heart's desk.
"It's hard to say. Her kidneys are still working a bit, and normally a body can compensate for diminished organ output for a relatively long time. But Emma's body is very weakened from the cancer treatments and her kidneys are already pre-damaged."
"How long?" Regina persisted.
Sighing, Heart looked at Emma, who gave her a curt nod before turning back to Regina. "Maybe a month. Possibly less, possibly more."
Without looking at her, Regina nodded, standing up jerkily and slinging her purse over her shoulder before grabbing Emma's wheelchair handles and pushing her toward the door. "Thank you."
Emma gave her doctor a curt nod; it wasn't the prospect that she had only four weeks left that silenced her. Rather, it was Regina's robotic reaction to it that scared her. She didn't dare say anything as they traversed the hallways and finally arrived at Regina's car. Even the transfer to the seat, where she put her arm around her girlfriend's neck and she helped her up, they performed in silence. When Regina slammed the lid of the trunk where she had placed the wheelchair, Emma winced and closed her eyes for a moment. She felt as if the slam of the trunk lid had also drawn the line under her life. She wondered when the panic would come that must inevitably follow the realization of her situation, because at the moment she didn't feel the least bit panicked or afraid, but rather liberated.
Regina got into the car next to her, but didn't drive off, instead folding her arms on the steering wheel and staring ahead.
"You're mad at me," Emma finally stated quietly.
"I'm not mad at you."
"Yes, you are." Emma sighed and looked over at her. "You just don't want to admit it because you don't want to be mad at someone who dies. But you know what? It's okay. Be mad. You have every right to be."
Silently, Regina chewed on her bottom lip and continued to gaze out at the parking lot. It wasn't that she hadn't expected more low blows, but she hadn't expected the next blow to be so deep. She became painfully aware that she was probably going to have to up the dose of her medication if she was going to somehow get through the coming month and everything that happened after that. "But I'm not mad at you," she finally replied again after a long pause, without looking at Emma. "I'm mad at the fate that's taking you away from me, that's taking Henry away from his mother again, and that's making your parents lose their daughter yet another time. If I went to Gold right here and now and asked him how this stupid prophecy ended, he'd probably look at me with that cocky grin and tell me it was always meant to be and there was nothing we could have done."
"You don't have to say that," Emma countered softly, looking away from her. "I'm stopping the treatments, so everything that's coming is my fault, and you can rightly curse me for that. I wish you didn't have to suffer from my weakness, but I'm afraid I can't help it. I wish I could."
Taking a deep breath, Regina concentrated on suppressing the trembling of her hands. "Just don't say anything else now, please, okay? I... need a few minutes."
Immediately complying with her request, Emma nodded and leaned her head against the car's side window. Not for the first time, she wondered how many more times she would see Storybrooke, but this was the first time she thought about whether now was the last time. She watched Belle lock up the library as Regina turned the corner at the clock tower and watched Sneezy march up Main Street with a brisk stride, a newspaper tucked under his arm. On the one hand, it was these things that made Emma feel like everything was normal, but after a while, she did close her eyes to avoid seeing all that she was going to miss.
Regina was relieved when she finally turned onto Mifflin Street and parked the car. As if in a rehearsed choreography, she retrieved Emma's wheelchair from the trunk and helped her girlfriend into it before pushing her up the ramps David had provisionally constructed to bridged the porch steps and the steps in the entry hall.
Awkwardly, Emma slipped out of her jacket and hung it on the hook before gently encircling Regina's wrist with her fingers as she tried to take her further into the living room. "I'll be fine," she assured her softly, looking up into her eyes. "Take all the time you need, okay?"
"Don't be silly, I can still-"
"I'll be fine," she interrupted her, squeezing her hand. "I know you, you need time to yourself right now. I'll be fine," she said again, then moved the wheelchair toward the living room with great effort. When she reached the door, she turned her head to Regina again, "I'll be there as soon as you're ready to talk."
Somewhat lost, Regina remained standing in the middle of the foyer for a few more minutes, her coat open but still on her shoulders. She had the feeling that she no longer knew how to undress or even put one foot in front of the other. The sudden silence in the house reminded her that soon it would be this quiet here forever.
It wouldn't be long before Henry would leave Storybrooke for high school. She had thought she could handle his absence just fine, since Emma and she would have the house to themselves and wouldn't have to worry about the teenager. But now there was no Emma and her. She never thought she would ever miss the smell of burnt pancakes, even though she had told her girlfriend over and over to stop trying to surprise her with breakfast in bed. She wished she could hear Emma's wry singing from the shower when she came in from her jog, or cursing as she collected her sneakers, which she had fallen over several times when the blonde had left them in the middle of the hallway.
Regina didn't realize she had slumped until the hard floor collided painfully with her knees. A sob escaped from her throat and even the hand she pressed in front of her mouth could not hold back the pitiful sounds that followed incessantly. Frantically, she tried to bring her breathing back into a normal rhythm, but she succeeded more badly than well. She could not allow a panic attack now, but the more intensely she tried to calm down again, the thinner the air seemed to become inside the house and the walls seemed to be closing in on her. Panicked, she grabbed her throat as the feeling of suffocation became unbearable and her chest began to ache. Air, she needed air. Blindly, she tried to pull herself up and head for the front door, but the journey there seemed interminable and as even the last bit of oxygen seemed to leave her body, the world around her went black. She couldn't even tell anymore if Emma's voice was actually calling her name in fright before she lost consciousness, or if her foggy brain was just playing tricks on her.