Chapter 69

No sooner had she heard the key turn in the door lock the next morning than Emma moved her wheelchair weakly into the foyer. Although she was emotionally disturbed, she had been able to sleep well that night because exhaustion had washed over her like a huge wave after Regina had called her in the afternoon and assured her that she was fine and had nothing to worry about. Not even her mother, who had slept next to her on the sofa snoring softly, had not been able to disturb her.

"I'm not an invalid," Regina complained as she entered her house and David incessantly tried to offer her his arm so she could lean on him. Sighing, she propped herself against the wall as she slipped her shoes off her feet, only then noticing that Emma was waiting for her. "Hey," she whispered, leaning down to her as she wrapped her arms around her. "How are you?"

Emma didn't reply, but just reached out to her as far as she could and pulled her into a tight hug, her eyes narrowed tightly. "Don't ever do that again," she finally brought out chokingly, looking up at her after ending the embrace and reaching for her hands. "Promise me."

"I mean, it wasn't intentional," Regina replied curtly, stroking her cheek before eyeing her. Her face was pale and she was wearing one of her beanies. Knowing that Emma wasn't embarrassed about her bald head, she was immediately aware that she was freezing, something that even the cozy hoodie she wore with her sweatpants couldn't seem to change. "Let's go into the living room, it's a little warmer there."

Wordlessly, Emma spun her wheelchair around, but before she could make her hard way back, Regina pushed her into the adjoining room, where David followed them.

"Isn't Snow here anymore?", Regina wanted to know in astonishment when she found the living room deserted.

"She left when Dad let her know you were on your way," Emma explained, sliding over from her wheelchair onto the sofa. "She's taking Neal to kindergarten."

"Couldn't she have waited until we got here?" Regina immediately fussed.

Emma eyed her with a tilted head. "I just about manage to sit in my wheelchair by myself," she responded somewhat hurt.

Apologetically, Regina took a seat next to her and reached for her hands. "I know you can, Emma. It's just..."

"You're afraid I'll break something again, I get it," she nodded with a snort and closed her eyes, shaking her head. "Even that wouldn't matter anymore."

Looking at her girlfriend with a pained expression, Regina was very grateful to David for discreetly backing off at that moment. "I'm not asking you to be in a good mood and cheer us all up. But do you have to keep reminding us that we only have days left?"

"Yes, I have to!" she returned firmly. "I have to keep doing that until you guys accept my decision. Because you know what? I'd like to be in a good mood, because I don't want anger and pain to be the last emotions I feel. But how can I do that when you're all staring at me with these deeply sad faces? I wanted to enjoy the time with you, but this way I almost hope it will be over as soon as possible!"

Anger boiled up inside Regina when she heard her talk like that. "It hasn't even been a damn day since you decided to throw in the towel. So please excuse me if I don't immediately nod my head with a smile and sing happy songs," she retorted sarcastically. "I don't know how long exactly you've been toying with this idea, but for me it came so suddenly like a slap right in the face. I need a little time, okay? Give me some room to breathe, damn it!" With that, she got up and hurriedly ran out of the room, one hand pressed to her mouth and nose to stifle the sob that was coming. She didn't know how it could have come to this, that they were arguing more violently than they had in a long time, of all times, when they should be there for each other and building each other up. She didn't realize she had run into her bedroom until she finally came to a stop in front of the bed and propped her hands on the soft bedspread. Her heart galloped in her chest and she tried to calm herself down again with a few deep breaths. Finally, she settled down on the mattress and stared into space. She wanted to be supportive of Emma, but she was failing all the way. It was bad enough that she had collapsed, drawing all the attention to herself, but now she couldn't even help her the way she needed to. Emotionally drained, she ran her hands over her face before dropping onto her bed and falling asleep after a while.

Meanwhile, Snow was back from kindergarten, carrying a paper bag with all sorts of vegetables in it into the kitchen. She had decided to at least cook lunch for her daughter and her daughter's girlfriend, if she was hardly any help otherwise. After putting down her groceries, however, she wanted to check on Emma first.

She was still sitting on the sofa and hadn't moved in the past half hour. With a serious face, she stared at her lap, ignoring her steadily growing back pain.

"Hello, sweetheart," Snow said quietly before she hesitantly took a seat next to her daughter with some distance between them. "Aren't Regina and David back yet?" she wanted to know, a bit puzzled.

"Dad's in the garage doing who knows what. Regina's upstairs. Probably that seemed like the only place she could get her peace from me because I can't follow her there," she replied monotonously, without looking up.

"What the hell is going on?", Snow then wanted to know worriedly.

"Nothing's wrong at all, Mom, okay?" Emma stated firmly as she jerked her head up and glared at her mother. "She can't handle me dying and I don't know how I'm going to take it. I wish it was over already!" she almost screamed, then slumped her shoulders in exhaustion. She was tired and she had been nauseous all morning. Since this wasn't the first time her kidneys had stopped functioning, she knew exactly why she felt this way.

"Emma, sweetie... You can't think like that," Snow said softly.

"And why not? What difference do a few weeks make, Mom?" Emma asked, quietly this time and tears in her eyes as she looked at her mother. "We're just waiting for the cancer to take over my body completely or for me to go into a coma because my body is poisoning itself. This is not a reprieve, this is cruel."

At that moment, Snow didn't care that her daughter's body language was still rather dismissive; she slid closer to her and took her in her arms. "Maybe a miracle will happen after all, you never know."

Emma sighed and closed her eyes. She had no strength or desire to have this conversation again. "Can you please check on Regina?" she merely asked her, glancing toward the living room door. "She shouldn't be alone for so long."

"How was she this morning?" Snow wanted to know.

"I don't know, it's not like she talks to me. It's always about me," Emma replied in frustration, squirming slightly out of her mother's arms, briefly contorting her face and grabbing her lower back.

"Are you in pain, sweetie?" Snow asked immediately in response, letting her eyes wander over her daughter with concern.

Emma sighed and forced herself to release her hand from her back again. "See? And again, we're talking about me. Will you please check on Regina now, Mom? Please. I'd do it myself, but obviously I can't."

"Okay, yeah. I'll be right back," Snow finally agreed and disappeared down the hall.

Sighing with relief, Emma leaned her head back for a few minutes and closed her eyes. She wondered, not for the first time, how she was going to stand having her whole family watch her die. And she wondered if she could sense when the time finally came. Would she realize in advance that her last hours were approaching, or would she just leave life all of a sudden and without warning? Would it hurt, or would she feel no pain for the first time in weeks? Would she be able to say goodbye to her loved ones, or would she have been vegetating for a while at the time of her death, unable to express herself?

"She's asleep. I'll check on her later again," Snow interrupted Emma's thoughts.

Blinking, she opened her eyes and looked hesitantly at her mother. She wished she had answers to all those questions that kept running through her head, but she knew she wouldn't get any. But one thing she knew for sure was that Regina loved her so much that the prospect of losing her had made her sick, and she would do anything to somehow prepare her for living without her. "Could you maybe ask Dad to take me upstairs?" she finally asked slowly, "I'd like to be with her."

Immediately, Snow nodded in response to this request and, after leaving the house and walking to the garage, returned shortly after with her husband.

"What are you doing out there, anyway?" Emma inquired as soon as David had lifted her up in his arms.

"I'm changing Regina's car tires," he replied.

In response, Emma just stared at him blankly.

"Well, she's... still driving around with her winter tires. I didn't think she'd mind if I took care of that."

"Yeah, no... I get it," Emma nodded quickly, chewing on her lower lip. Shortly after learning she was sick, she had changed Regina's tires, as she always did. Physical work had always helped her clear her head, and at this time it had been sorely needed. She just hadn't expected it to be the last time she'd lick her girlfriend's car into shape. "Thanks for doing this for her," she finally said, honestly grateful, and pressed her face to David's cheek. "Can you take care of her... at least for the first weeks?" she finally asked quietly.

David had reached the bedroom door and stopped in front of it. Calmly, he looked into her eyes.

"Can you continue to help her with craft things? And Mom... Mom could do some cooking, help around the house, or just talk to her a little bit so that..."

"Emma," he interrupted her, maintaining eye contact. "We're not going to leave her to her own devices. Okay?"

Slowly, she nodded and swallowed dryly. She felt like she was letting Regina down and wanted to at least make sure someone was there for her. "Thank you," she brought out with difficulty, then nodded briefly to signal her father to go ahead.

As quietly as he could, David pushed the door open with his shoulder and then laid Emma down in bed next to Regina.

"Thank you," Emma whispered again, squeezing her father's hand briefly before he slipped out of the bedroom and she turned to her sleeping girlfriend. Gently, she stroked a dark strand of hair from her face and then placed her hand over hers. She seemed so relaxed while she slept and Emma wished that this would still be the case when she woke up, but unfortunately this was just wishful thinking. She studied her for a long time, memorizing her features, the long lashes, the prominent jaw, the sensually curved lips. She fervently hoped that there was no 'after', because she didn't want to spend a moment without Regina, neither in life nor in death. After a while, she just stared ahead, lost in her thoughts, not noticing at first that Regina's eyes were open and scrutinizing her.

"What are you doing here?" the brunette wanted to know in a whisper after a while, closing her fingers around Emma's hand that was still resting on hers.

Surprised, Emma's gaze slid back to Regina before a melancholic smile appeared on her lips. "I didn't want to spend any more time without you," she replied after a few seconds, gently running her thumb over her hand.

"I'm sorry I ran away," Regina replied embarrassed.

"Don't be," Emma said in response before sliding closer to her and they nestled together. "I've run away enough times when things got tough. So it's your right to do the same."

Regina laughed out before pulling Emma closer to her and stroking the soft fabric of her cap. "What were you thinking about? You were completely lost in thought when I woke up."

Sighing, Emma laid her head in the crook above Regina's collarbone and was silent for a while. "I was thinking about the time before and after my diagnosis," she finally admitted.

Regina stiffened barely noticeably and her fingers paused with the caresses before continuing to stroke Emma's head and forcing herself to relax again. "You never told me about this. Would you like to talk about it now?"

Emma hesitated, but knew she didn't have many more opportunities and she wanted her girlfriend to know everything about her, as painful as it might be. "It was a Friday. I left the office early because I had this appointment with Whale. I didn't think anything more of it, wasn't nervous or anything. I found it more annoying that I had to go to the hospital, of all places, before my weekend off to hear that everything was fine and I should just sleep more. Then it rained too, while I had dinner planned with you in the garden, so my mood got even worse."

"What made you think there might be something wrong with you in the first place?" Regina interjected as Emma paused.

"I was so incredibly tired all the time. Even when I got ten or more hours of sleep, I was exhausted. I felt that my constant sluggishness drove you crazy and made an effort to exercise more. I thought that eventually my body would get better. But instead, if anything, it got worse. The bruising after exercise increased and then when I started getting short of breath when I exerted myself even a little bit, I decided to get checked out. I thought maybe I had iron deficiency or something," she explained.

"Emma... I'm sorry I put so much pressure on you," Regina whispered chokingly, burying her face in the fabric of Emma's beanie.

Slightly, Emma shook her head. "Don't be sorry about that. How were you supposed to know I was sick and not just lazy? It's always upset you when I've slept this late, and that's okay. I love you anyway," she smirked before continuing more seriously again. "Well... Whale then explained to me that my blood work was very abnormal. I wasn't really listening, I was annoyed because I had to wait forever and I just wanted to go home. He told me not to worry for the time being, but that he wanted to consult a colleague. Heart came shortly after and even after she told me her specialty, I still didn't understand what it had to do with me. It wasn't until Whale left her and me alone and she calmly explained to me that an iliac crest puncture was necessary for a definite diagnosis that I woke up from my lethargy. She then also used the word leukemia for the first time, even though she kept stressing that it was only a suspicion that didn't have to be confirmed." She paused again and closed her eyes. "That was the longest, most terrifying weekend of my life. I wanted to spend time with you and felt an incredible need to tell you everything, but at the same time didn't want to burden you with it. After all, nothing was certain and possibly everything would soon turn out to be a false alarm. So I started to avoid you, but that made you more and more suspicious. I was glad when Monday finally came and I could go back to work. Then on Tuesday was the puncture. I felt terrible about having to lie to you about where I was, but by now I had decided not to say anything until I knew something more definite. Then the waiting started all over again. I finally found out the results on Thursday. Heart put such pressure on me. She told me to get treatment right away. Acute leukemia would be fatal within a few weeks if left untreated. But I wasn't ready yet. It took me almost two more weeks to understand that if I continued to just wait and see what happened, I would die. Only then did I feel able to tell you."

Regina pressed her lips together as Emma reached the end of her story and closed her eyes.

"Well, you know about the rest," Emma finally added with a sigh.

"You should have let me in on it right away, Emma. Even before you went to the doctor for the first time. Am I so unimportant to you, and do you trust me so little that you had to conceal from me that you were feeling ill?", Regina wanted to know hurt.

"Rather the opposite," Emma whispered, turning her head around so that she could look her in the eye. "You're so important to me that I didn't want to cause you any unfounded worries."

"But they weren't unfounded!"

"I couldn't have known that at the time," Emma nodded, pressing a kiss to the corner of her mouth. "I wanted to protect you. I always want to."

Regina's eyes welled up with tears as she pressed a kiss to Emma's lips and then continued to hold her in her arms.

"How are you, Regina?", Emma wanted to know quietly after a while. "What did the doctors say?"

"That I should check my blood pressure regularly and that I may need to have my pills readjusted," she replied completely matter-of-factly, sighing softly. "But that's beside the point right now."

"It isn't. You're no less important than I am, and if you're sick, you need to get treatment." She sensed Regina was about to contradict her, so she squeezed her hand and quickly continued. "Or maybe you want Henry to have to bury you even before me? You do know that my parents will get custody then, right? You can't want that," she smirked.

"You could see that as a real incentive," she grinned, stroking Emma's cheek. "I didn't think I'd ever say this, but I'm glad they're there. They help... in their own way."

"They do," Emma nodded in agreement, rolling onto her back with a sigh. "I wouldn't have made it to you at all if it weren't for my dad," she mused.

Regina watched her girlfriend try to find a comfortable position before first propping herself up on her elbows and then sitting up completely.

"Where are you going?", Emma immediately wanted to know and looked after her as she got up and went to the door.

"I'll be right back," Regina promised, slipping through the door.

Emma closed her eyes and used the unguarded moment to allow her pain, whereupon she contorted her face and tightened her jaw. Regina's hand on her shoulder made her open her eyes again in surprise, having not even realized that she had returned.

"Let me help you," she asked softly, kissing her forehead before working her way lower over her cheek and down the side of her neck.

"What's this going to be?" Emma inquired with a smirk, while a pleasant shiver of goose bumps ran down her body.

"The foreplay," Regina replied dryly before slipping the beanie off her head and then removing her sweater as well.

Immediately Emma began to shiver, but a moment later Regina had gently turned her onto her stomach, placed her heating pad on her back, which she had gone to get, and pulled the blanket up to under her armpits so that she could still easily reach her shoulders, which she began to massage. "Regina, you don't have to..."

"I know I don't have to. Would you say that to me now if we were both healthy and I wanted to spoil you?"

"But I'm not healthy," Emma murmured barely audibly, but then fell silent, enjoying the warmth, the massage and Regina's presence. This combination still relieved her permanent pain the best. "Regina?" she asked after a while.

"Huh?" Her hands paused as Emma turned slightly to face her.

"I'd like to sleep here tonight. In bed with you," she said honestly. The nursing bed might be more practical, but even if Regina slept on the couch in the living room with her, it just wasn't the same.

The brunette nodded and smiled softly as she planted another kiss on Emma's neck. "I'd love that," she whispered in her ear afterwards, and then continued the massage. Just before Emma fell asleep, Regina wrapped her in a shirt and covered her completely after slipping under the covers with her.

"It's just about afternoon," Emma mumbled half asleep, only her right eye open a crack. "You don't have to waste your time here."

"I have doctor's orders to get plenty of rest. And time spent with you is not wasted," she replied quietly, also pulling her cap back on Emma's head as she shivered again despite the heating pad, blanket and Regina's body close to hers. "And now sleep, you need strength," she whispered, knowing at the same moment that Emma's strength would not return even after a hundred years of slumber.