Author's Note: Thank you, GraceMonroe, for your review! I am very hopeful that the June busy-ness is mostly behind me now, and that I can get back into a more regular schedule of posting new chapters. (And also working on Part 3, which had sadly been gathering dust all month long.)
Another quick disclaimer that this chapter lifts dialogue directly from Chapter 10 of Ootp, which is copyright of J.K. Rowling. And whenever I have cause to mention JKR, I just want to follow up by saying that trans women are women and trans rights are human rights. 3
I hope you enjoy (and that you don't come after me with tar and feathers)!
Chapter Fourteen: Wild Things
To say that Mairead had cried herself to sleep would be to imply that she had gotten any sleep. More accurately, she had cried until exhaustion had made it impossible for her body to sustain the exertion, and then she had stared numbly at the wall, tears leaking out of her eyes until she mustered up the energy to sob again.
She was up early the next morning, and a quick glance in the bathroom mirror told her what a nightmare she looked. Her face was puffy and splotchy, her eyes were bloodshot, and her hair was tangled beyond all reason. A quick shower tamed her hair and calmed the skin around her face, but she still had dark circles beneath her eyes that the shower could not do anything to help.
Mairead cautiously poked her head out into the corridor before leaving her bedroom. She crept down the hallway and took the stairs as quickly and quietly as possible, head constantly turning to keep an eye out for Remus. She had no idea how she would ever be able to look him in the eye again after she had behaved like such a spoiled brat. The last thing she had ever wanted to do was to cause him distress, and then she had to go and insult him to the point that he had lost his temper with her.
She shuddered as she remembered the anger in his eyes. She could not remember him ever having been angry with her before. Just to torment her, it seemed, her mind brought to the surface a fleeting memory from her last year at Hogwarts, and Remus - Professor Lupin? - saying that he had never once been upset with her.
Mairead felt tears prick at her eyes and screwed up her face to stop herself from crying again.
She hesitated when she reached the door to the kitchen. What if he was in there? After a moment of indecision, Mairead leaned over and pressed her ear against the door, listening for the sound of his voice.
She couldn't hear anything; the wood was too thick. With a huff, Mairead pressed her ear harder against the door, leaning her shoulder against the oak.
There! She heard something! Holding her breath, Mairead listened to what sounded like footsteps coming closer.
Then, the door disappeared out from under her as someone pulled the door open.
With a squeak of alarm, Mairead lost her balance and lurched forward, stumbling into the kitchen as she scrabbled for purchase on the doorframe.
"Mairead!" Mrs. Weasley cried, still holding the door. "What were you doing?"
Mairead got her feet under her and caught sight of a table full of Order members watching the scene curiously - including Remus.
"D- I - err," she stammered, walking backwards out of the kitchen and back into the stairway as though being out of Remus's line of sight would somehow deliver her from this moment. "I was leaning against the door to tie my shoe," she finally went with. "What can I do to help?"
Mrs. Weasley looked a little exasperated. "Can serve yourself breakfast, dear?" she asked. "I've got to go through the house and make sure no one has forgotten to pack anything."
"I'm not hungry!" Mairead said quickly, panic jolting her as she heard the scraping of chairs that indicated people were beginning to rise from the kitchen table. "I'll do that. The searching, I mean. Not the serving myself breakfast, as - because -" she shook her head. "I'll just go do the looking thing now."
She was in such a hurry to escape that she began taking the stairs backwards as she spoke. Spinning herself around, Mairead took the remaining stairs two at a time to put as much distance between herself and Remus as possible.
Mairead started at the top of the house and worked her way down. Along the way, she distracted herself from her low mood by marveling at the things the Hogwarts students in the house had managed to lose - and where they had managed to lose them. On the rooftop she found a t-shirt that, judging by the size, either belonged to Harry or Ron. She found a toothbrush and a comb in the boys' bathroom, a muddy pair of trainers (with mildewy-smelling socks stuffed down inside them) discarded in the middle of one of the corridors, and an essay with nearly indecipherable handwriting on the floor outside Fred and George's room.
When she reached the library, she found a veritable treasure trove of forgotten items, including another essay, handfuls of quills, some kind of eraser, and a book that - with a tsk of disapproval - Mairead recognized as belonging to the Hogwarts library.
She was pulling on the sleeve of a cardigan to free it from between two couch cushions when she heard a soft knock at the door. Mairead looked up and felt her whole body tense.
Remus was standing in the doorway.
She stared unblinkingly at him, hands slowly relinquishing their hold on the cardigan. Her heartbeat felt like it was coming from her stomach. She swallowed even though her mouth had gone dry.
Remus watched her silently, expression unreadable, until he quietly asked, "May I have a word?"
Mairead felt her chin quiver as anxiety shot through her. She wasn't ready to face him. How could she ever face him?
Screwing up her courage, Mairead stepped back from the couch and nodded, losing a battle with herself not to wrap her arms protectively around her middle.
Remus stepped into the room and briefly looked away from her as he carefully closed the door. When he turned back and met her gaze once more, Mairead began to tremble, certain that she was going to break down crying again at any moment.
What was he going to say this time? What horrible truth was she going to hear about herself? She knew that he deserved to be able to reprimand her for the appallingly entitled way she had behaved, but she did not feel as though she could take any more criticism, regardless of how deserved it was.
She willed herself to hold off crying for as long as she could as he shoved his hands into his pockets and began to speak.
"You know," he began slowly, addressing the ground rather than Mairead. "I've been a werewolf for thirty years now. And yet I have never felt like more of a monster..." Mairead closed her eyes as she braced herself for the blow. "... than when the single, loveliest creature I have ever met in my entire life paid me a very nice compliment, and in return, I reduced her to tears."
Mairead's eyes snapped open. She looked up at Remus in confusion. Remorse was written all over him.
The two looked at each other in silence for a few, fragile moments. Then, tentatively, Mairead shuffled one foot ever-so-slightly in front of the other. As if that were some previously agreed-upon signal, they both rushed across the room towards each other.
They met in the middle of the room and crashed into one another. Mairead threw her arms around Remus's neck, and Remus pulled her to his chest in a crushing embrace. She felt his arms wrap around her, his hands balled into fists at her back as he held her to him.
"I'm so sorry."
"I'm so, so, so sorry."
"Can you ever forgive me?"
"I'm the worst person of all time!"
"I'm so sorry."
"I'm so sorry."
The guilt, self-hatred, and fear Mairead had been feeling since the previous evening overflowed, and she began weeping brokenly into Remus's shoulder.
"I'm s-so s-s-sorry!"
"Please don't cry, sweet girl," Remus begged, stroking her back. "I'm so sorry for making you cry."
"This is all my fault!" she keened.
"No, it's mine," he insisted. "You didn't do anything wrong."
"No, I did everything wrong!" she cried. "I was horrid! I'm the worst person alive."
"None of that is true."
"I - I -" she couldn't speak for several long moments as she sobbed in Remus's arms. "I care about you so much," she finally managed to say, wiping her nose on the back of her hand. "I think you're the best person ever. The last thing I ever wanted to do was to hurt you. And then I had to go and - and say such horrible things to you!"
Remus pulled her away just enough that she could see him offering her a handkerchief. She hid her face in the clean, white fabric as he spoke. "You didn't do anything wrong," he repeated. "I was completely out of line."
"No, you were totally justified in saying what you said!" she stubbornly insisted, roughly swiping the handkerchief under her nose. "You're right - I have no right to tell you how you should feel about your situation. All I was thinking about was myself. I'm so selfish and I'm horrible and -"
She broke off abruptly when Remus reached a hand up and cupped her face tenderly. She looked into his eyes, surprised by his touch.
"I loved what you said, Mairead," he whispered earnestly. "I loved it."
Mairead blinked, partially out of bewilderment and partially because his thumb was stroking her cheekbone and she had temporarily forgotten how to speak the English language.
"But -" she whispered, unsure how to finish her sentence.
Remus looked away from her for a moment, looking ashamed. "I... I was in a bad mood," he admitted quietly. His face contorted in self-hatred as he bitterly added, "I'd had a bad day."
Mairead swallowed painfully. "I'm sorry you had a bad day. What happened?"
He shook his head, looking angry with himself. "It was nothing," he said. "It was stupid."
"I won't think it's stupid."
He finally met her eyes again. Mairead wondered if she had ever seen this kind of vulnerability in him before.
"No, I don't suppose you would, would you?" he mused quietly. "Well... I'm always... rather testy the day after the full moon..." His thumb absent-mindedly stroked Mairead's cheek, and as he continued, his hand slowly moved away from her face and onto her shoulder, where he found a lock of her hair and began fiddling with it, rolling the strands between his fingers. Mairead put a valiant effort into listening to him, pushing away the delightful, tingling sensation of his fingers playing with her hair as he spoke. "And then... it was absurd to get upset over it, but..." he sighed. "Hermione said something to me - she didn't mean anything by it, I'm sure of it - but it..." he trailed off.
"What did she say?" asked Mairead.
Remus sighed. "She - she said - she was talking about her club thing. For house-elves?"
Mairead's mouth quirked upwards. "The Society for the Promotion of Elvish Welfare?"
Remus nodded. "Yes," he confirmed. "And... while she was talking about it, she sort of... alluded to werewolves. And she -" he sighed again, looking self-conscious. "Well, it was just an offhand comment, but she referred to werewolves as... as 'other creatures.' As in, distinct from humans."
Mairead's mouth fell open in dismay. "I'm so sorry," she breathed.
Remus shook his head and forced a smile. "It was nothing," he hurried to dismiss her sympathy. "Just a nothing comment. But for some reason it just..." He trailed off once again.
Mairead shook her head. "No, I think in some ways it's those nothing comments that are the worst," she said thoughtfully. "If Hermione had put any thought into what she was saying, I'm sure she would have found a more tactful way to get her message across. But she was probably going on a bit and getting carried away and she wasn't paying attention to what she was saying and she just said this careless thing. And the thing is... it's those careless, nothing comments that come across feeling the most like the truth sometimes, isn't it?"
Remus was looking at her as though he had never seen her before. "Yes, that's it exactly," he murmured. "I just thought -" he shook his head. "I don't know what I thought."
Mairead's eyebrows contracted. "Did you maybe think... that if Hermione of all people feels this way... maybe everybody secretly does?"
Remus nodded. "Yes. And from there, it was: if this room full of the most liberal people in wizarding society feels this way... maybe that's because it's the truth."
Mairead nodded solemnly. One of her hands had come to rest on Remus's chest, and she began toying with a loose thread on his collar. "Yeah, I know that one-two punch well, myself." She frowned. "And then I had to come along and be all Little Miss Silver Linings. I'm so sorry."
"Please don't apologize," Remus said softly, releasing the strand of her hair and resting his hand on top of hers, holding it in place on his chest. "You didn't do anything wrong. You were being so sweet to me. I was just in the mood to destroy something perfect. And there you were..."
Mairead blinked up at him in surprise. He thought she was perfect?
His dark grey eyes regarded her solemnly. "Can you ever forgive me?" he asked in a low voice.
Mairead saw the line that formed between his eyebrows when he frowned and, not for the first time, wished that she could smooth it away with her fingertips. "Can you forgive me?" she responded.
Remus shook his head. "There's nothing to forgive," he said.
She let out her breath in a shaky sigh and tentatively gave him a small, shy smile. Something in his expression lightened, and Mairead felt as though a knot in her stomach had just released itself. One corner of his mouth twitched upwards, and it made Mairead's smile grow until shyness overtook her and she was forced to look away. She spotted a large, dark patch on his shirt from where she had been crying and groaned softly.
"I'm sorry, I've gotten your shirt all wet," she muttered unhappily.
Remus shook his head, smiling softly at her. "It's nothing, just salt water," he said. Then, his smile turning teasing, he added, "Plus a bunch of lipids and proteins and amino acids. Or so I've been told."
Mairead huffed out a breathless laugh, surprised at his remembering the nerdy factoid she had once shared with him.
They smiled at each other in silence, Mairead basking in the warmth and relief of their reconciliation, until she became aware that Remus's fingers had curled around her own and that his thumb was gently caressing the back of her hand. When she looked back at him she felt a jolt in her stomach.
The look was back. The enigmatic look she had seen in his eyes multiple times throughout the summer, but which she was unable to decipher. And then, quickly - so quickly she couldn't be sure - his eyes flickered.
Did he just look at my mouth?
Mairead remembered the excited giggles and squeals from her dorm-mates back at Hogwarts. One of them had always insisted that if a boy looked at a girl's lips, it meant he was thinking of kissing her. Mairead had secretly rolled her eyes in disdain at what had struck her at the time as hyperbolic bluster from hormonal, love-crazed adolescent girls.
But then, she had never in her life wanted any boy to kiss her half as badly as she wanted Remus Lupin to kiss her.
Mairead tilted her head to one side in curiosity. Remus held her gaze.
Then, his eyes flickered downwards again.
He did! He just looked at my mouth!
Mairead's lips parted slightly. Mustering up all of her courage, she held her breath, and let her own eyes dart down to his mouth and back up again.
She knew instantly that Remus saw what she had done. She watched him carefully, intently, and saw the exact moment that the question came into his eyes. Still holding her breath, Mairead prayed that he could read the answer she was sending him.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Remus's eyebrows twitched. His thumb had stilled on the back of her hand. His other hand, still splayed across her back, felt as though it were burning her through her t-shirt. Mairead could feel from her hand that was resting on his chest that he also seemed to be holding his breath.
Then, so subtly she almost doubted she had seen it at all, Remus tilted his head the smallest bit towards her.
CRASH!
Remus and Mairead both jumped. Remus's arms convulsively pulled Mairead closer to his chest in a protective gesture as they turned their heads in the direction the noise had come from.
"FILTHY HALF-BREEDS! MUTANT MUDBLOOD SCUM! HOW DARE YOU ENTER INTO THIS HALLOWED GROUND WITH YOUR SLIME OF INDECENCY?!"
The wailing voice of Walburga Black shook the dust from the walls. But then, rising above even the cacophony of the screaming portraits, they both heard another voice.
"GINNY! ARE YOU - FRED! GEORGE! GET BACK HERE AT ONCE! WHAT IN GODRIC GRYFFINDOR'S NAME IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?!"
Remus and Mairead looked back at each other for less than one second before they both dashed for the door.
They came upon quite a raucous scene. Ginny was lying unconscious at the foot of the staircase, pinned beneath a steamer trunk and next to another trunk that appeared to have careened into the first. Mrs. Weasley was kneeling at her daughter's side and attempting to rouse her. The portraits had been awoken by the crash and were howling in their usual manner. And Fred and George were hovering nervously at the top of the staircase, clearly worried about their sister but too afraid of facing their mother's wrath to descend the stairs.
Remus and Mairead shared a look.
"You help Ginny, I'll take care of the portraits," Remus suggested, already withdrawing his wand from his belt.
Mairead nodded and pulled out her own wand as she knelt down at Ginny's side.
"Wingardium Leviosa," she muttered, swishing and flicking her wand at the trunk laying atop the younger redhead. It instantly rose, feather-light, and she directed it off to one side.
Taking deep breaths to clear her mind, Mairead slowly swept her wand horizontally up and down Ginny's body. She was still new to practicing diagnostic spellwork, and so she closed her eyes to block out the chaos around her and concentrated on the feelings her wand was sending her. She felt nothing until she reached Ginny's head. At that point, Mairead's wand vibrated subtly right between Ginny's eyes.
Mairead lowered her wand and opened her eyes. Mrs. Weasley was watching her, looking tense but patiently waiting for Mairead to finish her examination.
"She's got a head wound," Mairead announced. "I'd like to see if I can wake her."
Mrs. Weasley nodded in permission, and Mairead touched the tip of her wand to Ginny's body and muttered, "Innervate!"
The girl's eyelids fluttered and opened. "What happened?" she groaned, wincing.
"You have brothers," answered Mairead.
Ginny rolled her eyes. "Ugh, I was hoping they were all just a bad dream," she quipped.
Mairead giggled. "Can you move your toes and fingers?"
Ginny wiggled her appendages, then pushed herself into a sitting position with Mairead and Mrs. Weasley's help.
"Ooh," Mairead winced. "You're bleeding a bit back here. Can you stand? I'd like to bring you into the kitchen to fix you up. There's better lighting there."
Mrs. Weasley and Mairead each took one of Ginny's hands and helped her to her feet. Mairead took a step back and watched Ginny walk towards the basement steps. She was a little unsteady on her feet, but she was alert, knew where she was, and did not appear to be suffering any cognitive problems. Satisfied, Mairead followed Mrs. Weasley and her daughter into the basement.
Once Mrs. Weasley saw that Ginny was all right, she excused herself and went back upstairs. After a few moments, she could be heard shouting at the twins.
"COULD HAVE DONE HER A SERIOUS INJURY, YOU IDIOTS -"
Mairead and Ginny shared a grimace as the portraits went off again.
With a small sigh, Mairead set Ginny up in a chair by the fireplace and got to work. She gently pushed Ginny's hair out of the way and saw that an impressive bump was forming on the back of the youngest Weasley's head, and that, as she had seen upstairs, it was bleeding steadily. Mairead took a few moments to gather her thoughts. The bleeding was to be expected, as she recalled reading that head wounds tended to bleed heavily. She had practiced healing minor cuts, burns, and abrasions on herself and had enjoyed fair amounts of success, but she had never actually tried these spells on anyone else.
To her relief, they appeared to work just fine. She had Ginny mostly cleaned up by the time Remus and Sirius entered the kitchen, having restored silence upstairs for a second time. They were followed by Fred and George, both looking chastised, as well as Harry, Ron, and Hermione, all looking curious to see how Ginny was doing.
"All right, Gin?" George asked, looking contrite.
"Yeah, how many fingers am I holding up?" asked Fred, looking somewhat less contrite as he held up a single finger, then five, then two, then four, then three in rapid succession.
"How many fingers am I holding up?" Ginny rejoined, making a rude gesture with her hand.
Mairead snickered and couldn't resist looking over at Remus, whose eyes were twinkling.
"How bad is it?" Ginny asked Mairead as Mrs. Weasley came back into the kitchen, still looking irate.
"Not bad at all," said Mairead bracingly. "Of course, it would have been more interesting if your eyeballs had popped out and gone skittering across the floor, but -"
Ginny laughed, but this was apparently too much for Mrs. Weasley's nerves.
"Honestly, Mairead!" she snapped, removing the apron she had been wearing all morning and hanging it up forcefully. "You're never going to attract a man with that bizarre sense of humor of yours! It's not as if your looks are the reason you're single!"
With that, she stormed out of the room, looking very harried. Mairead tried her best to keep a straight face, but a quiet snort escaped her nonetheless.
Remus strolled over to Mairead's side and observed her work on Ginny.
"How's it looking, Remus?" asked Ginny.
Remus took a deep breath and let it out in a pained sigh. "It's... it's fine," he said, not sounding convincing at all.
Mairead shot an outraged look at him.
"Wait - what?" said Ginny, now sounding alarmed.
"No, really, it's probably not as bad as it looks," Remus insisted. There was a great stampede as everyone in the room crowded around to get a look at Ginny's head. Mairead couldn't understand what Remus was talking about. She had healed Ginny's skin without so much as a mark, and she had even managed to reduce the swelling considerably.
Sirius sidled up alongside Remus and hissed through his teeth. "Eesh," he said.
Ginny's fingers reached back to feel the wound, but Sirius caught her wrist. "You don't want to do that," he said seriously.
"What's wrong with it?!" Ginny cried.
"Nothing, nothing," Remus said placatingly. "After all..." He shot a look sideways at Sirius, mouth twitching, "hair grows back."
Finally catching on to what Remus and Sirius were doing, Mairead rolled her eyes at them.
"Exactly," Sirius agreed. "And I'm sure your friends can help you find all sorts of clever ways of draping your hair to cover up the great bald spot -"
"THE WHAT?!"
Ginny leapt to her feet and anxiously began probing the back of her head. Mairead tried to glare at Remus and Sirius but felt that she was somewhat less than successful, as she was struggling not to laugh.
Once Ginny looked over and saw the gleefully playful grins on the two men's faces, she dropped her hands.
"You're just as bad as my brothers," she huffed.
Mairead stepped forward and slung an arm around Ginny's shoulders. "Now, now, let's not take our eye off the Snitch, shall we?" she said sternly, "I think what we should be focusing on is the very important thing we all learned here today." She shot a condescending look at the twins. "Right?"
Fred and George both scowled at her. "Oh?" said Fred testily. "And just what is that?"
Mairead grinned deviously and waggled her eyebrows. "Your mum thinks I'm a babe."
Thanks to the unexpected accident, everyone had to hurry to make it to King's Cross. Mairead felt very grateful she would be driving, as even with Moody's modifications, everyone else had to strain to cram themselves into her car. The only two people who did not look unhappy with the accommodations were Fleur, who was sitting on another passenger's lap, and Bill, who generously provided the lap.
This seating arrangements did, however, bring Fleur much closer to the front seat of the car than Mairead would have preferred. As soon as Mairead turned the key to start the engine, Fleur gasped loudly.
"It says to check ze engine!" she cried.
Mairead gave a fake start of surprise. "What?" she said, feigning alarm. "Where?!"
Fleur reached forward and pointed at the dashboard light. "Right zair!" she said.
Mairead turned her head and fixed Fleur with a withering look. Fleur sat back with a small huff of disdain.
Mairead turned and looked across Hermione towards Harry, who was sitting on the passenger side. "Might want to roll your window down," she suggested. "It's pretty toasty."
"Oh, but didn't you know, Mairead?" piped up Hermione helpfully. "Your car has air conditioning! That's what this -"
"No, don't -!"
But Mairead was too late. Hermione reached forward, turned the dial on the temperature control to air conditioning, and then flinched as the car began to emit an ear-splitting squealing sound that had everyone exclaiming and covering their ears.
Mairead placed her hand over Hermione's and turned the knob off. "Yeah, that doesn't work," she said.
Hermione gave her an alarmed look. "What - what's the matter with it?" she asked meekly.
"Belt," Mairead answered simply as she pulled away from the curb. "If we were going fast enough it wouldn't squeal quite that loudly, but since we'll be doing city driving and the compressor doesn't work too well anyway, there's not really any point."
Hermione nodded, clearly deciding that she was better off staying quiet. Mairead glanced over at Harry. He was looking morose and broody, as Remus had mentioned had been his most frequent mood over the summer. Mairead pursed her lips thoughtfully.
"What is zat sound?" came Fleur's voice from the backseat. "Eez ze engine over'eating?"
Mairead cocked an eyebrow. "No, the engine's fine," she said, trying to keep her voice even. "It's just a tiny problem with the exhaust."
"Eet sounds like a thumping. Or a popping."
Mairead felt her mouth tightening defensively. "Harry, why don't you turn the radio on?" she suggested.
Harry reached over and did as he was told. A familiar, popular Muggle song filled the cab.
Fleur was not satisfied. "Why don't you get your car fixed?" she demanded, raising her voice above the music.
"Many hundreds of pounds, that's why."
"But zis cannot be safe!" Fleur insisted.
"I've ridden in this car a few times now, Fleur," Remus said kindly, offering Fleur a reassuring smile. "Nothing has gone wrong. I assure you - you're perfectly safe."
Fleur scoffed but said nothing. Mairead glanced down and to her left, where Sirius - who had slipped out the door to Grimmauld place in his Animagus form and was now down on the floor in the backseat - had rested his head in between Harry and Hermione's seats. Dog Sirius met Mairead's eyes and she could swear he rolled them.
Fleur did not stay quiet for long. When they reached a major intersection where Mairead was struggling to make a right turn, Fleur burst out, "Zat thumping only 'appens when ze car is moving! Are you sure you are not dragging sometheeng behind you?"
Mairead made the turn, reached over, and turned up the volume on the radio. "I can't hear it anymore, can you?" she shouted to Harry and Hermione. They both dutifully shook their heads, and Mairead was surprised and pleased to see Harry grinning faintly.
Fleur crossed her arms across her chest and leaned back against Bill, who had wrapped his arms around her waist, although whether to cuddle with her or to prevent her from getting into a catfight with Mairead, it was unclear. "I can steel 'ear it," she said haughtily with a toss of her hair.
Mairead let out a frustrated huff. She took a deep breath and began singing along to the song playing on the radio at the top of her voice.
"HE SAYS, 'SON, CAN YOU PLAY ME A MEMORY?
I'M NOT REALLY SURE HOW IT GOES.
BUT IT'S SAD AND IT'S SWEET AND I KNEW IT COMPLETE
WHEN I WORE A YOUNGER MAN'S CLOTHES.'"
Mairead heard Hermione and Ginny giggling at her irritation, but she didn't really mind. Harry was laughing and grinning and - to Mairead's abject delight - joined her when the chorus came around.
"SING US A SONG, YOU'RE THE PIANO MAN!
SING US A SONG TONIGHT.
WELL, WE'RE ALL IN THE MOOD FOR A MELODY,
AND YOU'VE GOT US FEELIN' ALL RIGHT."
Mairead really didn't know the lyrics to the rest of the song, but she stumbled along with Harry, who seemed to be more familiar with the song and who appeared to be amused by her faltering attempts to carry on. As they went on, she saw Harry elbow Hermione, who looked as though she didn't know whether to be amused or disturbed by their raucous singing. Gradually, however, she came around at the sight of her previously grouchy friend smiling and having a good time, and by the next chorus Hermione added her voice to the racket, albeit much more quietly than Harry and Mairead were singing.
Never prone to shying away from a ruckus, Fred and George joined in, making up their own lyrics. Ron, Ginny, and Tonks laughed at the two of them and joined the chorus, which was always the same. When a piano interlude came up, Sirius tipped his head back and howled, at which Tonks shrugged, threw her head back, and howled too.
By the time the song ended, they had arrived at King's Cross and Harry's mood seemed to have improved tenfold. He was talking boisterously with Ron and poking good-natured fun at Fred and George.
In order to cut down on the time Harry spent in transit, Mairead's instructions were to pull up to the curb, drop everyone off, and drive back to Grimmauld Place on her own. The others would convey the students to Platform Nine and Three-Quarters and meet her back at headquarters. She broke with the plan by jumping out of the car and giving hugs all around. She had just released Ginny from a warm embrace when she turned and saw Harry standing by her side. He was watching her with a look of uncertainty in his eyes, and that was enough for Mairead to stand up on her tiptoes and throw her arms around his neck. She hugged Harry tightly, and she felt him chuckle softly, sounding relieved.
"Ooh, have a great start to your year!" she said, pulling away but taking Harry's hands and squeezing them.
He smiled and bashfully said, "Thanks."
Impulsively, she leaned in and gave him another quick hug. "I promise I'll take care of Sirius," she whispered in his ear.
Then, she pulled away and turned him by the shoulders, sending him off with Remus and Tonks.
She slid back into her car and regarded Sirius, who was now stretched out on the backseat looking sulky.
"Oh, buck up," she told him. "I'll give you a belly rub when we get home."
Mairead pulled into the car park at Grizedale Forest and frowned.
"This can't be it..." she said dubiously.
Remus consulted the map in his hands. "No, this is right," he said slowly.
"It said so on a sign back there," added Tonks, pointing over her shoulder out the back window.
"This is... really crowded," said Mairead.
Remus twisted in his seat and looked at Sirius, who was once again on the floor in dog form. "Is this right, Padfoot?"
The dog nodded.
Remus undid his seatbelt, satisfied, and everyone followed suit.
What followed was a three hour-long trek into the forest. Sirius led the way, but only after he had burst out of the car as soon as Bill opened the door and dashed off down the trail at top speed, barking joyously, darting into the trees after squirrels and birds, and eventually returning covered in mud, tongue lolling out and looking thoroughly happy.
After Sirius had expended some of his energy, he led them down a trail that started out bustling with sightseers, cyclists, children, and equestrians, and gradually got more remote. They hiked for about thirty minutes, and then Sirius headed off the trail and into the trees. The going got tougher after that, and Mairead soon found herself thirsty and covered in spiderweb, but she wasn't about to complain, especially since Fleur was doing plenty of that for all of them.
The foliage got thicker and thicker as they went. Tonks slowed the group down somewhat by how often she fell down. Charlie stuck close by her, steadying her and helping her stand up when she fell.
Mairead herself fell twice - once after tripping over an exposed root and the second time she fell down a slippery embankment. She blushed furiously as Remus helped her to her feet both times, but she couldn't help but revel in the fact that he kept one hand on her back for a couple of minutes after each tumble. Though Tonks seemed oblivious to the hopeful looks Charlie kept sending her way every time he helped her, it did not escape Mairead's notice that the Auror did not seem entirely chuffed at how close Remus stuck to Mairead's side.
Around the two and a quarter-hour mark, the trail began to dip down, and Mairead had to grab onto nearby trees and large boulders to keep her feet under her. They carefully picked their way downhill single file, holding back branches so that the person behind them wouldn't get slapped by them.
Mairead became aware of a loud sound that at first she thought was the wind. But then they stepped out into a clearing, and Mairead saw the source of the roaring.
There was a waterfall, right there in the middle of the forest. Mairead's mouth fell open at the sight of the natural beauty. The waterfall was surrounded by tiny rainbows created by the mist, and the water fell into what Mairead figured was either a large stream or a small river. Sirius transformed back into a man then, and grinned around at all of them.
"Isn't it beautiful?" he enthused. Mairead couldn't remember ever seeing him look this happy. "We'll follow the river for a little while longer. The cottage is just up a small hill from where the water forms a swimming hole."
Just as Sirius had said, the river led them to a place where the path of the water widened out into a tranquil pond. The pond sat on the edge of a breathtaking meadow, full of soft-looking grass, wildflowers, and birdsong. And perched on top of a hill was a little cottage.
"It's in great shape," observed Sirius as he quickened his pace, the only member of the party who didn't seem to be the least bit affected by their rigorous hike. He shot a grin over his shoulder in Remus's direction. "Guess my spellwork held up."
As they approached the house, the other Order members began splitting up tasks among themselves. There were tests to be done on the security of the place, wards to be removed, and other wards to be put up in their place. The booby trapping would obviously be left to the next morning, after they had all cleared out.
All at once, Mairead felt useless. Of all the duties that had been laid out, she could help with none of them. Sirius, Tonks, Bill, Fleur, and Charlie all set off, intent upon their tasks. Only Remus hung back. Mairead tried for a casual smile, but she knew that he saw through it.
"I'm gonna head inside," she said, trying not to sound put out. "See if there's any cleaning up or anything to be done."
Remus winced. "I'm afraid I have to ask you to stay outside until someone else goes in to see that everything is all right," he said regretfully.
"Oh. Right." Mairead shuffled her feet awkwardly.
"I'm sorry," said Remus, and he genuinely did sound sorry.
"No, it's fine!" she said heartily. "Erm, I'll just... er..."
"It should only take a few minutes," Remus said quickly.
"Great," she said, clapping her hands for lack of anything better to do with them. "I'll just wait outside until I hear differently."
Remus gave her a small smile and briefly grasped her shoulder before heading off into the house himself.
Mairead sighed heavily and clicked her tongue. She began wandering aimlessly around the outside of the cottage. She could feel herself beginning to stew over the old, familiar feeling of uselessness. She wondered vaguely if being the youngest child felt something like this for Ginny - always having to stay behind while her older brothers went off on adventures without her. Perhaps that was one of the reasons she felt an affinity for the girl.
She chuckled ruefully to herself. Whenever she felt the sting of her disability particularly sharply - either because of bullying or teasing, mistreatment or prejudice, exclusion or othering she experienced at the hands of others - she had frequently fallen back on the fantasy of running off into the middle of the woods. And now here she was: in the middle of the woods just like she had always wanted and her feelings of inadequacy had followed her here just like they did everywhere else.
A large part of her wanted to go find a tree to sulk beneath, but the only thing she could imagine being worse than feeling so left out and worthless would be for the others to notice that she was pouting over feeling left out and worthless, so she took a deep breath and resolutely marched off to find something to do.
Unsurprisingly, this led her to a patch of the grounds that was wild, unkempt, and overgrown in such a way that it could only be an old garden. Rolling up the sleeves of her flannel overshirt, Mairead got to work.
She lost track of how much time she spent in the garden, but the sun was sinking by the time Sirius came and found her.
"We're all set up inside if you want to come in now," he said.
"I'll be there in a bit," said Mairead. Once she had cleared the weeds, she had seen that there were dozens of viable plants that were positively thriving despite their neglect. She had pruned some, taken clippings from others that she hoped she would be able to figure out how to transport back to Grimmauld Place, and was now levitating rich, dark earth from the surrounding forest into the garden and mixing it in to nourish the soil.
"Well, hurry up," Sirius said. "We're all famished and we want to eat, so if you want to clean up before dinner you'd better do it soon."
Mairead waved her free hand in acknowledgement.
Sirius slouched on a hip and regarded her. "Of course, Moony always looks like he's about to start drooling and panting when you come in all covered in dirt, so maybe this look works for him."
Mairead's hand shook while she was lowering the rest of the soil and it came down on top of her instead. Coughing and spluttering, she shook dirt out her shirt, feeling her face burning.
"That might be overdoing it a tad," said Sirius, eyes glinting mischievously. "He asked me about you, by the way."
Mairead's head shot up like a bird dog who had just seen a goose. Sirius grinned. "Seems I made him pretty damn jealous last night when I kissed you."
"He said that?" Mairead asked quietly, looking around, paranoid that someone might overhear them.
"Didn't have to," said Sirius with a shrug. "He just asked if you and I were an item. I thought about giving him shit and telling him we've been sleeping together all summer, but he looked like he might rip my throat out if I did that."
Mairead tried not to let her disappointment show on her face. "Oh, so he might've just been curious," she said.
Sirius cocked an eyebrow. "I don't think curiosity is what led to your fight last night," he said. "Yeah, he told me about that," he added at Mairead's surprised look.
"That fight happened because he'd had a bad day," Mairead said doubtfully. "And because I was being insensitive."
"That fight happened because he wants you so much he doesn't know what to do with himself."
Mairead sighed fretfully. "But how do you know that?" she asked imploringly. She wanted so badly to believe what Sirius was saying, but she just couldn't. Having spent the afternoon marinating in self-doubt, she couldn't imagine anyone ever wanting her, let alone someone as perfect as Remus.
"I've already told you - he told me himself."
"Yes, but maybe you misunderstood what he meant," suggested Mairead. She bent over, uncuffed the hems of her jeans, and began shaking dirt out of them, wanting an excuse to hide her face so as not to let Sirius see just how desperate and pathetic she was.
"I didn't," Sirius said shortly. "Look - Charlie brought about a million bottles of booze to go along with all the food Molly sent along. Maybe once Remus has a few drinks in him and takes the broomstick out of his arse you'll be able to see what I'm talking about."
Mairead straightened and looked indignantly at Sirius. "He doesn't have a - a... you know. Up there." As she felt her face burn she strongly wished that she had never engaged in conversation about Remus's backside. Which was just as nice as the rest of him.
Not that she spent that much time looking.
Sirius leaned in and grinned mischievously at her. "Well, maybe if you play your cards right you'll be able to take a look and see for yourself later on tonight."
Mairead suddenly became aware of how hot it was outside.
Once the sun had begun to set, the heat of the day quickly melted into a pleasantly warm evening, helped along by the nearby body of water. The group collectively decided to eat outside on the grass. Bill started a campfire, Remus and Sirius conjured large blankets they could spread out on, and Mairead was finally able to contribute something with an insect-repelling charm that kept them all comfortable and bite-free.
"Where did you learn that spell?" Charlie asked curiously, opening up another bottle of wine and passing it around.
Mairead laughed breathlessly. "It was actually a failed attempt at an alternative for a Shield Charm for my N.E.W.T. prep," she said, carefully avoiding Remus's eyes. "Doesn't work for repelling spellwork, but it's fantastic if you're looking to avoid being eaten alive. Provided the thing trying to eat you alive is no larger than a squirrel."
"I think it's so cool, the stuff you've come up with to work around your problems," Tonks said enthusiastically, slopping a bit of wine onto the ground in her eagerness. "D'you think you'll try again for your N.E.W.T.?"
"Erm, hopefully," Mairead said. She appreciated Tonks's support, but she really didn't like her disability coming under scrutiny, even though Tonks's motivation was very plainly harmless curiosity.
"How did you do on the O.W.L.?" asked Charlie curiously. "You must have passed if you were going to sit for the N.E.W.T."
"Erm, yeah, I got an E," said Mairead, squirming in her seat and fiddling with a long blade of grass by her knee.
"Blimey!" exclaimed Bill. "That's excellent! Just using other spells?"
"Mm-hmm."
Remus spoke up then. "Didn't you and James go through a period in time when you were trying to infuriate McGonagall and Flitwick by using Transfiguration spells in Charms and vice versa, Sirius?"
Sirius let out a bark of laughter. "Ohh, I'd forgotten about that!" he said, beaming reminiscently.
Remus leaned back on his hands. "Remind me what you did?" he asked.
Sirius launched into a story that had everyone roaring with laughter within minutes. Mairead breathed a little easier now that everyone's attention was on someone else. She glanced up through her eyelashes at Remus and saw that he was smiling happily at Sirius's story and looking utterly at his ease, but she strongly suspected that he had deliberately stepped in to take the focus off her.
He was simply perfect. In the evening light he looked unbearably handsome. She loved the way his eyes shone with intelligence, kindness, and more than a subtle hint of mischief. He had just the barest hint of five o'clock shadow around his jawline, and Mairead felt as though she would simply cease to exist if she ever got to find out what it felt like to touch. He had undone the first couple of buttons on his dark grey button-down shirt, and she could see the dip in his throat. He had also rolled his sleeves up to the elbow, and she was once again completely undone by the sight of the dusting of golden hair on his forearms, the muscles and bones she could see beneath his pale skin, the way his tendons and knuckles were visible on his long, slender hands, leading to long, slender fingers that she knew from watching him work were deft and clever. He laughed and modestly responded to something Sirius said about him in the course of telling his story, and Mairead felt her stomach tighten into knots at the sight of his smile. That one slightly crooked tooth would surely be the end of her.
Conversation gradually shifted to traveling, and Mairead leaned back and tried to focus her attention on what Bill was saying about Egypt and not on the fact that she wanted Remus so badly she felt like crying. Fleur spoke about France wistfully, Charlie told them what it was like in Romania (which Mairead still was not sure she could locate on a map, but which she thought might be somewhere near Russia), and then, unexpectedly, Fleur turned conversation back to Mairead.
"And what about Ireland, Mairead?" she asked. "What is zat like?"
Jesus Christ, if there's one thing I want to talk about even less than being a Squib, it's my fucking childhood, Mairead thought in exasperation.
"Oh, you know, it's... it's very green. Lots of sheep," she said evasively. Then, she shifted onto her knees and pulled out her wand. "Oh, hey! I forgot that I brought us a treat." Mairead waved her wand and summoned the three ingredients she had packed into her bag that morning. "Has anyone ever had a s'more?" she asked.
When everyone shook their heads, Mairead passed around the bag of marshmallows, a stack of chocolate bars, and digestive biscuits, which was the closest thing she could find to what the Americans used. Soon, everyone was crowded around the campfire, levitating marshmallows over the flames. Several minutes and many on-fire marshmallows later, Mairead grinned as Bill, who had been the first to succeed at building a s'more, bit into the gooey confection and let out a loud groan of satisfaction.
"I have something to go along with these," announced Charlie, licking melted chocolate off his fingers. "Brought it from Romania. They'd go perfectly together. Hang on." Charlie began rooting through the sack he had transported all of the alcohol in, and Mairead could hear various bottles clinking together. "Aha!" Charlie exclaimed, resurfacing with a bottle that did not look as though it had come from a shop. He walked around the circle, pouring a generous splash into everyone's cups. Mairead hesitated when he arrived in front of her. She was already feeling a small buzz from the glass of wine she had had earlier and wasn't sure she wanted to let herself get any more intoxicated.
"Oh, come one, Mairead, you have to try at least a bit!" Charlie coaxed her.
With a quiet groan, Mairead held her cup up and watched apprehensively as Charlie poured what looked to Mairead's eye to be about a shot's worth of the dark amber liquid.
"This is a secret recipe from the Romani dragon-tamers," Charlie said as everyone began tasting the alcoholic beverage. "Who, incidentally, do not like to be called gypsies, by the way." He swirled his cup as he spoke. "Legend has it that drinking this will give you the courage to go after that which you most desire."
Remus, who had been in the middle of taking a sip, choked suddenly and held his forearm over his mouth as he coughed into his elbow. Sirius thumped him on the back with one hand and tossed back his entire helping in one go with the other. Bill and Fleur tapped their glasses against one another's before drinking, and Charlie raised his glass to Tonks - who, Mairead was disappointed to see, did not appear to have noticed - before drinking his. Mairead took a very small sip of the liquid and could immediately understand why Remus had choked. It burned terribly as it went down her throat and she, too, coughed and spluttered for a few moments after finishing it. She did have to admit, though, that she could understand why the legends said what they did. She felt the effects of the drink almost immediately. It warmed her entire body. She could even feel the warm, tingling sensation in the tips of her fingers and in her toes.
Tonks stood up. "Well, that drink worked for me," she said briskly. "And that which I most desire is to go swimming in that pond. I've been dreaming of it all day and now I'm going to do it. Who's with me?"
"Oh, fuck, yes!" Sirius said, rising swiftly to his feet and pulling his shirt off over his head as he spoke.
Bill raised an eyebrow at Fleur, and a flirtatious smile curled her lips. And as for Charlie, he didn't even seem to be trying to hide the fact that he would do whatever Tonks wanted.
Mairead watched silently, an awkward smile on her face, as nearly everyone rose to their feet around her until only she and Remus remained seated.
Tonks looked over and noticed the two still sitting on the ground. "Hey, aren't you coming?" she asked, mostly addressing Remus.
Remus smiled placidly. "I don't much feel like a swim right now," he said. "I think I'll stay here."
Sirius waved a hand dismissively. "Remus never leaves a chocolate bar uneaten," he said. "He probably just wants another one of those things."
Remus smiled crookedly at Sirius and shrugged unabashedly. Mairead fervently hoped that he missed the suggestive smile and wink that Sirius dropped her as he said, "What about you, Gryffindor?"
A nervous, high-pitched laugh escaped Mairead before she could stop it. "Nah, I think I'll stay here. Clean up a bit," she said, hoping that no one but herself could hear the panicky note in her voice at the thought of going swimming.
"Ohh, that's right!" Tonks said. "I forgot - you hate water."
"I enjoy drinking water," said Mairead delicately. "I feel it demonstrates my superiority."
Mercifully, everyone found this funny and did not press any further. Sirius let out a high-pitched howling noise as he took off for the banks of the water, and everyone charged after him.
Remus snorted and rolled his eyes indulgently.
"I hope you didn't stay here because of me," Mairead said quietly, guilt lancing at her.
"After the amount of food we all just ate?" said Remus. "I'd probably get a cramp and drown." He reached out a hand and the bag of marshmallows zoomed into it. "Being with you is just a fringe benefit."
Mairead felt overcome by shyness and couldn't look at him. She watched in silence as Remus pulled out two marshmallows and set them to hovering over the crackling fire. The chocolate bars had ended up by Mairead and she reached for them to send them over, but Remus waved a hand, rose to his feet, and came over to sit down by her side.
Mairead swallowed. She could feel him watching her, but all at once she felt like a schoolgirl again, so infatuated with her professor that she couldn't even look at him in class. She was actually beginning to tremble, hyper-aware of his proximity.
"One of your marshmallows is on fire," she blurted, pointing.
Remus sighed quietly and made a gesture with his hand. The fiery marshmallow rose out of the flames and floated over to him. He blew on it to extinguish the flames. "This one'll be mine," he said, catching the marshmallow between two biscuits. Pinching the gooey dessert in one hand, he crooked the forefinger of his other and the second marshmallow floated over and hovered in midair in front of Mairead. "That one is for you," he said.
A smile tugged irresistibly at Mairead's mouth. "You didn't have to," she said shyly.
Remus twitched an eyebrow. "Well, if you don't want it..." he teased.
"No, I do," she said, her smile widening.
They ate in companionable silence, listening to the crickets and owls in the surrounding forest. From far away, Mairead could hear shouting and splashing as the others enjoyed their swim. When they finished eating, she and Remus rinsed the chocolate off their fingers with streams of water from their wands.
"I've been meaning to thank you, by the way," said Remus quietly.
"For what?" asked Mairead.
One corner of his mouth turned up. "For making Harry smile today," he said, his voice sweet and sincere.
Mairead averted her eyes, once again too nervous to look at him. She had been alone with him countless times, had sat by his side, had even rested her head on his shoulder, but something about the atmosphere tonight felt different. There was a charge, a humming, some sort of energy thrumming between them that she swore she could feel in her nerve endings.
Mairead let her back fall to the ground. She stretched one arm out over her head, hoping that the feel of the solid earth beneath her would be grounding, and hid her eyes behind her other forearm. "Oh," she said dismissively. "That was nothing."
Remus laughed. "One of these days you're going to accept a compliment from me, and I'm going to die of shock."
She giggled and shifted her arm to steal a glance at him.
"You know, I've never actually had the chance to ask you," he said thoughtfully. He pointed a finger at the arm that was now resting on her forehead. "What does your tattoo say?"
"Oh!" Mairead exclaimed in surprise. Pushing herself back into a seated position, she held out her forearm for Remus to see.
"'Oh, for the wonder that bubbles into my soul,'" he read softly, his head on an angle as he considered the words etched into her skin. Goosebumps erupted all over her arm when Remus reached out a hand and supported her wrist, brushing a thumb delicately over the script. "What is it from?" he asked, looking up at her.
"A poem by a Muggle named D.H. Lawrence," she answered, feeling the well-known sensation of grief, always fuzzy at the edges of her awareness, beginning to sharpen.
Remus nodded, waited patiently for her to say more.
"Cedric and I had a pact," she said, her voice cracking on the last word. "When he graduated, we were going to celebrate by getting a line from our favorite poems tattooed on ourselves. I just figured... he - he's never going to graduate now, so I thought..." She trailed off. The loss was a throbbing pain just behind her temples.
"That's lovely," said Remus softly, still holding her arm. "So this is from your favorite poem?"
She shook her head. "No," she said, throat tight. "No - it's from Cedric's. 'Song of a Man Who Has Come Through.' That's the name of it."
"That's a beautiful way to honor his memory, Mairead."
Mairead swallowed and blinked hard. She didn't want to cry tonight. She didn't want to be sad tonight. Not with Remus sitting so close to her, touching her softly, just the two of them. She knew all too well that there would be plenty of other opportunities for her to grieve her best friend. She had the rest of her life, after all. But just now, she wanted to dwell among the living.
She shook her head and looked over at Remus, eyes taking in the line between his eyebrows. "What about you?" she asked with a cheeky grin. "Do you have any ink?"
Remus laughed at her sass. "Er..." he hesitated. "One. Though it's not nearly as nice as this."
If Mairead's jaw had dropped any lower it would have hit the grass. "What?!" she exclaimed. "Really?"
Remus scoffed and - to Mairead's delight - looked a little abashed. "Really," he admitted reluctantly.
Mairead laughed with delight. "Can I see it?" she asked eagerly, then stopped short. "I mean - you don't have to. Obviously. Like, if it's a private thing or in a private place - not that I, err..."
Shit. I just referenced his private places. Fuck. Wait - what if he's got a tattoo on his arse? DON'T think about his arse!
Remus let go of her arm and turned his right wrist up to face her. He waved his left hand over his right forearm and Mairead watched as a string of characters appeared on his skin. "I normally keep it concealed," he explained to her as he worked.
Mairead frowned and blinked in confusion. The tattoo made no sense. If appeared to be some sort of alphanumeric code.
"W - E - one, one - E - A...?" she read dubiously.
Remus nodded. "Werewolf number eleven, Eastern region," he interpreted.
Mairead's breath left her in a whoosh. She looked up at him, dismay overtaking her as the implication of the markings began to dawn on her. "Wh- is this -" She tried to form a question but couldn't quite figure out what she meant to ask.
"Once my condition was revealed at Hogwarts I was contacted by Dolores Umbridge from the Ministry of Magic," he explained. "I was to report to the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures and enter my information into the Werewolf Registry, or I would be levied a... substantial fine."
Mairead felt her mouth tightening as anger flared suddenly into life. "That's fucking bollocks!" she cried. "Argh! I hate Dolores Umbridge!"
Remus looked curiously at her. "Do you know her?" he asked.
Mairead scowled and nodded. "Oh, yeah. We're pals," she spat the last word out.
Remus watched her, clearly waiting for her to explain herself. But Mairead remembered with a painful clenching in her chest his words from the previous night. She didn't want him to think that she was making his suffering about her, so she just shook her head and forced a smile onto her face. "She sucks," she said simply.
"Yes, I can't say that I am her number one fan, myself," he said slowly. Mairead saw a muscle leaping in his jaw as he spoke.
"I'm sorry," she apologized, dropping his gaze. "I - I shouldn't have asked you to show me. I..."
"Don't be ridiculous," Remus said with a kind smile. "You didn't know. I only wish my tattoo could be as nice as yours."
Mairead considered this for a moment, and then a naughty smile spread across her face. "Well... let's see..." she mused. Not nearly as adept at wandless, nonverbal magic as Remus was, Mairead took out her wand, pointed it up at the cottage, and said, "Accio, ink and quill!"
Remus watched her, a puzzled smile on his face, as she reached out her hands and caught the ink bottle and windblown quill in her hands.
"Here," she said, dipping the quill into the ink and waggling her other fingers for his arm. "May I see?"
Remus laughed. "Be my guest," he said, stretching his arm out for her.
Mairead thought for a few moments, then hunched over and began writing on Remus's arm. She tried to focus on the task at hand and not on the fact that the fingers of her free hand were resting in his long, slender, slightly calloused palm, steadying his forearm.
"There!" she said, drawing back after she had finished. Remus leaned in and read what she had done. Utilizing what was already there, she had modified the tattoo so that it now read:
WE'11 EAT YOU UP, WE LOVE YOU SO
Remus gazed at her work for a very long moment, before he looked up at her, blinking in surprise.
"Is... is that from a children's book?" he asked in a hushed tone.
"Yes!" said Mairead, surprised that he had recognized it.
"My mother used to read that to me," he said, looking back at his arm. "It was my favorite when I was little..."
"Really?" asked Mairead. "I didn't know that - it's just a book I stumbled upon working in the children's room one day. I thought it was sweet."
"It is," Remus agreed, staring at the new words on his arm.
He was silent for so long that Mairead began to worry that she had somehow made a misstep. That she had somehow offended him or hurt his feelings again. When he finally looked back up at her, though, he had a warmth and fondness in his eyes that melted her worries.
"How do you do it?" he asked, voice filled with wonder. "How do you take - the worst, ugliest things in life... and make them beautiful? How do you manage to make everything so beautiful?"
"I don't," Mairead said quietly. "I just... see the beauty. It's already there. It's just underneath all the other stuff life piles on top of it."
Remus was silent. He stared so intensely at her that Mairead worried she might burst into flames. The indecipherable look was back in his eyes, and Mairead's heart began to race as she returned his gaze, unable to look away.
Remus's eyes moved down to her lips. And this time, they stayed there. Mairead was trembling all over. She had never wanted anything in her life so badly as she wanted him. She wanted to be as near to him as possible. She wanted to devour him. To eat him up. Remus's left hand shifted on the ground, slid a fraction closer to her. Mairead took a sharp breath in.
Remus blinked. Taking a deep breath, he pulled away from her. He gave his head a small shake, then smiled at her in a way that was so obviously forced it made Mairead want to scream.
"I've had too much to drink tonight." He said the words quietly, but Mairead could hear that his voice was rough and hoarse.
He began to shift away from her, and he looked to Mairead as though he was just about to make an excuse to leave. Her heart sank.
He is never going to make the first move.
It was as though Sirius were standing right behind her, whispering his words in her ear.
Got any more of those Gryffindor guts in you?
She took a shallow, tight breath in. Impulse rarely struck Mairead at the same time as courage, and before the latter could desert her, she acted on the former.
Rising up on her knees, Mairead laid a hand on Remus's shoulder to support herself, causing him to look round at her, and before she could talk herself out of it, she leaned over and pressed her lips to his.
Remus went rigid. Mairead could feel his shoulder muscles tense under her hand. His hands stayed by his sides. And his lips, lovely and soft as they were, did not return the kiss.
Oh, God, what have I done?
Mairead pulled away abruptly. She stared into Remus's eyes and saw shock written plain as day all over his face. He still hadn't moved the slightest bit. Panic started to hit as what she had done started to sink in.
She had kissed a teacher! A teacher who was older than her, undoubtedly more experienced than her, who had never given the slightest hint that he was interested in her as more than - at the absolute best - a friend. She had kissed Professor Lupin, who had always been kind and warm and had always made her feel welcome and like she was enough just as she was. She had mistaken his compassion for more than it was intended to be, and had thrown herself at him like a silly, pathetic teenage girl.
Which was what she was. A pathetic, loser, definitely-homely-and-most-probably-actually- hideously-ugly lovesick teenage girl who had a schoolgirl crush on an older, handsome, intelligent man who had never done anything to her other than to treat her as though she were equal to her peers and apparently that was enough for her to just throw herself at him.
What in the name of Christ is the matter with me?
"Shit," she hissed. "Fuck. I - I'm so sorry. I - I was... I just - the thi- y-" she broke off and gave a panicked little laugh. "Good God those drinks were strong! Yeah. So. I'm just... gonna go... burymyselfalive. 'Kay."
She pulled away and began trying to get her shaking legs under her. She was in the midst of trying to figure out how she could determine if there were any cliffs nearby she could throw herself off when a pair of hands grabbed her by the shoulders. She was pulled back down to the ground and looked around at Remus in surprise just in time for him to pull her close and press his lips firmly against hers.
Mairead's mind went blank. She felt herself go as still as Remus had, and dimly some part of her now understood his reaction.
Remus broke the kiss and pulled back. Through the haze in her brain, she vaguely recognized the searching look he would get whenever she felt he was reading her mind.
"S-so, should I not... bury myself alive, then?" she asked faintly.
"I would vastly prefer that you didn't."
Mairead nodded. "Oh, okay," she breathed.
Remus closed the distance between them and kissed her again. A soft moan bubbled out of Mairead before she could stop herself and she reached for him, bunching the collar of his shirt in her hands as she kissed him back with everything she had.
It was the most incredible sensation she had ever experienced in her life. Mairead felt as though fireworks were going off in her stomach. Remus Lupin was kissing her! Was this really happening?
Remus's hands left her shoulders. One slipped behind to cradle her back, and the other came forward and he began ghosting the very tips of his fingers along her face. His fingertips traced her jaw, her cheekbone, stroked her temple slowly, almost reverently as his lips caressed hers with the same slow attention and care.
This was unquestionably the best kiss Mairead had ever had in her life. Kissing Remus was like all of her favorite things about him all rolled into one lovely, intimate sensation. His kiss was gentle and sweet, not demanding or selfish. His lips moved against hers confidently; not in a cocky, pushy way, but rather in a way that quietly communicated that he very much knew what he was doing. Which, oh, he so clearly knew how to kiss. He gently used his fingers to tilt her head a little more to one side, and then he slowly, carefully used his own lips to coax her mouth open. When she felt the tip of his tongue flick softly against her bottom lip, Mairead lost her head entirely.
With a guttural sound she was positive she had never made before, Mairead surged forward, almost literally throwing herself at him. She was single-minded in her need to be as close to him as possible. Remus, clearly not expecting this level of enthusiasm, overbalanced and toppled over backwards, landing on his back with a grunted, "Oof!"
"I'm sorry!" Mairead exclaimed, scrambling around and trying to gain purchase on the ground with her hands and knees. "Are you oka-"
Her question was abruptly cut off by Remus sitting up just enough to recapture her mouth. He sat up on his elbows, fingers grasping at the tails of her flannel overshirt, and continued to kiss her as though he did not care to break the kiss long enough to find a more comfortable position.
Mairead awkwardly tried to scoot her body up far enough that he could lie back, but some of her madness had been knocked out of her by the fall and she was too nervous to climb on top of him.
Remus, however, did not appear to be stymied by nerves, and after Mairead had been squirming around uselessly for a while, he wrapped one arm around her, braced the other on the ground, and flipped them over. He then happily carried on snogging her senseless.
Mairead thought there was a good chance she might faint. Remus was lying on top of her. She was on her back, lying underneath Remus. Lupin. He was clearly using his arms to hold up a good deal of his weight, but that did not change the fact that his body was horizontal on top of hers. And given the way human bodies are shaped, and given the fact that both of them were in full possession of all of their limbs, and given the fact that he was lying right on top of her, their legs had been in an uncomfortable position to begin with. And while at the time it had just seemed like the sensible thing to do, Mairead's head was now spinning at the fact that she had moved her legs to make room for his, which meant that her former professor, Remus John Lupin, was lying between her legs, kissing her like it was the end of the world.
This is without a doubt the best night of my entire life, she thought hazily.
She slowly, hesitantly, brought her arms up and wrapped them around his neck, waiting to see if he would stop her. He did not stop her, but what he did do was slip a hand down, brush her overshirt out of the way, and grasp her side through her t-shirt. Mairead let out a breathy whimper. Remus pulled her bottom lip into his mouth and stroked his tongue over it again, setting off a burst of pleasure and arousal in Mairead's center. She moaned and bucked her hips involuntarily.
Remus groaned quietly, and it was the best sound Mairead had ever heard.
She felt him flick his tongue inside her mouth. It took her a few seconds to work up the courage, but when she finally brought her tongue to brush against his, she was rewarded with a deep moan from Remus. His hand convulsively squeezed her side and slid upwards, bunching the fabric as he went. Mairead's breath began to come in small gasps.
All of her senses were overloaded with pleasure. His smell - which she had long been obsessed with - was incredible. He tasted amazing, like chocolate and wine and something that was uniquely Remus and drove her out of her mind with rapture. Her nerve endings were singing everywhere their bodies were touching.
Remus stopped kissing her and pulled away just enough that he could watch her expression carefully as he slipped his hand beneath her shirt and tentatively stroked the skin of her abdomen.
Mairead's back arched and she cried out sharply as arousal crashed into her like a tidal wave at the feel of his hands on her bare skin.
"God," Remus whispered. "You're incredible."
He kissed her on her lips once more, but his mouth didn't stay there. Instead, he began leaving sweet, soft kisses along her jawline. Mairead finally worked up the courage to do what she had wanted to do for two full years, and slid her hands up the back of his neck and buried her fingers in his hair. It was even softer than it looked, a fact which Mairead was still marveling at when Remus let out a shivering sigh and shuddered as she wound his hair around her fingers.
His kisses began coming faster then, the pressure of his lips a little more insistent. He finished kissing his way along her jaw and then began trailing kisses down her throat. He paused and darted his tongue out to taste her pulse point, and Mairead cried out once more. Her hips surged up against his again but this time, he met her thrust with one of his own and when he did, Mairead felt something very long and hard press against the crux of her legs.
Oh, my God, I think that's his - oh, my God!
Mairead was distracted from this new development by Remus's hand, which was now beginning to slide slowly up her stomach. His fingers stroked her ribs on their way north, and Mairead held her breath as he continued upwards. If his hand continued along its current trajectory, Mairead was fairly certain that she would black out.
Remus left open-mouthed kisses down her neck to her shoulder and then back up again as she whimpered and undulated at the overwhelmingly pleasurable sensation. When he reached the top of her neck, his lips continued on up to her ear. He pulled her earlobe between his lips and sucked on it, drawing a ragged gasp from Mairead. He left tiny kisses up the shell of her ear.
"May," he moaned in her ear.
Mairead let out an impassioned sob and cried his name as well.
Without warning, Remus went rigid. His lips, his hand, his hips - all stilled as he held perfectly still on top of her.
Then he tore himself away from her as though she had burned him.
Mairead sat up on her elbows. "What's wrong?" she asked, gasping for air.
He simply stared at her, a wide-eyed look of alarm on his face that slowly gave way to horror. His face was flushed and he was also out of breath, and as Mairead watched, he began to shake as though he had suddenly caught a chill.
"Oh, God," he whispered, sounding disgusted. "What have I done? What is wrong with me?"
"What is it?" Mairead cried, now feeling alarmed herself.
She cast her mind about for what could have caused this abrupt change in his behavior. Everything had seemed to be going well - they had been kissing, hands had been roaming, he had whispered her name in her ear and in turn she had said -
Mairead choked on a horrified gasp.
She had called him 'Professor Lupin.'
"I mean, 'Remus!'" she corrected herself, scrambling onto her knees. "Remus - I'm sorry! I - I just - I don't know -" She tried to reach for him but he jumped and pushed himself further away from her, eyes still popping with dread.
"I can't do this," he muttered, breaking her gaze and staring at the ground. "I don't know what I was thinking - I - I have no right, I..."
"Remus, I'm sorry!" Mairead said, her voice rising in desperation. "Please - it was just a mistake!"
"No," said Remus, shaking his head. "No, this - this is wrong. We can't - I can't - I have to leave." He pushed himself to his feet and began making for the house with long strides.
"Remus, please!" Mairead cried. "Please, it was an accident!" She jumped to her feet and tried to follow him, but he whirled around and held out a hand.
"No!" he shouted firmly. "Please don't," he said more quietly. "Please... don't follow me."
He turned around again and continued walking towards the cottage. Mairead knelt back on the ground and watched him go, eyes desperately following him until he disappeared into the shadows.
Author's Note: So... understandably you probably are having some mixed feelings right now. If my therapist were here, she would say that everything you're feeling is valid. I'm just curious, like... where on the hating me/loving me spectrum you're falling? Lmk?
Credits: The song that was playing in the car was "Piano Man," by Billy Joel. And, as Mairead mentioned, the line she has tattooed on her arm is from the poem "Song of a Man Who Has Come Through," by D.H. Lawrence.
Song for Chapter 14: "Lightning in a Bottle," by The Summer Set (no specific character; I just can't think of the scene at the end without thinking of this song)