Author's Note: Thank you to GraceMonroe for your review! I so appreciate that you take the time to let me know what you think!
Deep breath. Okay. Here it is, folks: just a heads up that the chapter as appears here has been edited for sexual content.
Pause for hyperventilating.
If you would prefer to read the uncensored version, it is available over on Ao3. It has the same name, but my username over there is FuzzyCatSocks. (As it should be.)
Whichever version you read, I hope you enjoy!
Chapter Twenty: Near to You
Mairead couldn't sleep. She tossed and turned, flipped her pillow over, and counted backwards from one hundred three times, but nothing worked. All she could think about was Remus. How easily it could have been he whom the pack had attacked. And had it been him, would Tyrone and Brigid have fought for him as valiantly and selflessly as he had fought for Tyrone? Or would they, too, have given in to the feeding frenzy set off by the smell of blood?
She turned over onto her side and buried her face in her pillow, trying to shut out the images flashing through her brain - Remus bleeding in a cave, Remus falling from the tree he had climbed and drowning in the river, Remus trying to seal his wounds but too weak to break open the buttons on his cloak.
Mairead kicked off the covers and let the cool air settle over her. She hadn't even been able to talk to Remus that evening. Nearly everyone had chosen to stay for dinner, and Remus had been surrounded by people all night, and Mairead had been too shy to force her way through the crowd. The two hadn't shared a single word since the painfully awkward conversation they had made the morning he had left.
She felt her stomach drop when she recalled why things had been so strained, so carefully polite between them. She remembered the way Remus had held her, the urgency with which he had kissed her. She was certain now that he had feared he was going to die on the mission - a fear she now knew with a sickening clarity was well-founded.
That's probably why he asked me to come to bed with him, she thought. He thought he'd never see me again.
Mairead reached up and ran her hands through her hair. Was that true? Had Remus wanted one night with her before his death? Had that been his final wish?
No sooner had the thought occurred to her than it clicked in her head that this seemed perfectly in keeping with the way Remus's mind worked. One night together, and then nothing ever again. There could be no consequences because there would be no follow-up. Mairead's reputation would be preserved, and his would go to his grave with him, along with the secret of what they had done the night before his death.
Mairead's eyes burned with tears of frustration, and she swiped at them angrily.
That's not what I wanted! she raged silently. I don't want to wait until one of us is about to die before we allow ourselves to have what we both want.
Mairead lowered her hands from her face. A calm stillness had descended over her. Clarity brought on by the terror of a near-miss calamity surrounded her.
Did she have the courage...?
She knew that if she waited any longer she would talk herself out of the half-baked idea that had formed in her head. Sitting up, she swung her legs over the side of the bed. The floor was cold, sending shivers through her, so she grabbed a cardigan she had carelessly tossed over one of the posts at the foot of her bed and swung it overtop her t-shirt.
Opening her door silently, she slipped out of her room and closed the door equally noiselessly. She tiptoed down the hallway to the staircase, then descended to the third floor, gingerly picking her way over the stairs that creaked the loudest. She walked along the dim corridor, lit only by the light of the waning moon, until she reached the correct door. She could see light coming from the crack underneath the door.
He must still be awake, she thought. She bit her lip. Maybe this is a bad idea. He's probably exhausted. He's just going to turn me away.
As if her body knew that she was on the verge of talking herself into turning around and going back to her bedroom, her hand lifted of its own accord, formed a loose fist, and knocked on Remus's door.
"Come in," she heard him call.
Her heart thumping with nervousness, Mairead took a deep breath, turned the knob, and opened the door.
She had never been inside Remus's room before (having persuaded Sirius to deliver the breakfast tray she had prepared last month), and she quickly scanned the space. It was immediately apparent that Sirius had given Remus one of the nicest guest bedrooms in the house. The room was larger than her own, and over to the left next to a desk and chair was a door that looked like it led to a private bathroom. There was a window directly across the room from the door, beneath which sat a small bookcase positively crammed with books. On top of the bookcase sat Remus's gramophone, much beloved by Mairead. A slow, seductive song was playing softly. Mairead recognized it as one of Remus's newer records. A fireplace, which was not currently lit, was farther along the wall from the window. And on the right side of the room, which Mairead could see once she had stepped into the room and looked around the door, was Remus's bed, with Remus sitting up in it, his back resting against the headboard.
Remus did not look surprised to see her. Mairead had the distinct impression that he knew why she was here. His face was carefully neutral, but a flash of something flitted across his eyes, and before it disappeared it licked at Mairead like flames. He slowly closed the book in his hands and set it on the bedside table without taking his eyes off her. Mairead let the door close silently behind her.
The two regarded one another in a charged silence. The very air seemed to crackle between them.
"Are you sure you know what you're doing, Mairead?" Remus eventually asked, his voice low.
Mairead considered his question. She wasn't sure what to say, so she decided to go with the truth. "I don't know what I'm doing," she admitted. "But I am sure."
Remus mulled her answer over, then nodded once. Never taking his eyes off her, he rose from the bed and slowly crossed the room to her. Mairead watched him approach in breathless anticipation. She tried not to blink too much, not wanting to miss any microexpressions that might reveal his thoughts to her. Remus stopped right in front of her. His dark grey eyes were searing into hers. Mairead wondered if this fire was new, or if it had been there all this time, and Remus was just a master of disguising his feelings.
"Nothing can come of this, Mairead," Remus said in a gravely serious tone. "It can never be more than this."
"Okay," breathed Mairead.
"And no one can find out about this," he continued. "No one. Not your friends from St. Hedwig's, not the Order, no one."
"Okay," Mairead repeated.
Remus's eyes pierced her, like he was determining how well she understood. Finally, something in his face relaxed. Surrendered. Remus kept his eyes on Mairead and reached his left hand behind her. She felt hypnotized by the swirls of grey in his eyes, the tiny flecks of amber.
A click from behind her made Mairead start and break eye contact with Remus. Looking behind her, she identified the source of the noise.
Remus had reached around her and locked the door.
Mairead's breath caught in her throat. She had been alone in a room with Remus countless times. But she had never been locked in a room with him before. More specifically, he had never before locked others out, so that they would be guaranteed privacy. She swallowed thickly around the significance of the gesture, and all the meaning it carried with it.
Remus's fingers paused on the lock. "Have you changed your mind?" he asked, his tone as carefully guarded as his face.
Mairead whipped her head back around to look at him. "No," she whispered.
"Would you like to leave?" he asked. Mairead was relieved to see the earnestness in his expression - the first of whatever emotions he was feeling that he had allowed her to see so far. "I promise it's all right if you do."
Mairead fought down her nervousness. "I don't want to leave," she said, shaking her head. Then, a thought occurred to her, and she rapidly added, "Unless you want me to."
Remus's mouth twitched and something lit up in his eyes. "I would like you to stay," he murmured, warmth creeping into his voice. "But only if you want to."
Mairead released a shaky breath and nodded.
Remus took one more step towards her, still watching her closely. He slowly raised his hands and gently rested them on her shoulders. He began to lean towards her, eyes now darting back and forth between her own eyes and her mouth. He paused when his lips were a fraction away from hers. "Nothing has to happen tonight," he vowed softly.
"Okay," she whispered once again, letting her eyes flutter closed.
Remus's lips just barely brushed her own. Mairead's breath left her in a long, slow sigh, like she was trying to fog up a windowpane. His thumbs traced lazy circles on her shoulders, then he pulled away to look into her eyes one last time. He must have been satisfied by what he saw there, because he lowered his lips to hers once again.
He kissed her slowly, his lips a reverent caress. Mairead's head was spinning and she felt a little lightheaded.
In a way, this felt like their first kiss.
In a way, it was.
It was their first kiss not driven by alcohol, or futilely suppressed lust, or desperation and fear. It was the first time they had consciously, deliberately chosen to kiss.
And knowing that Remus was kissing her because he wanted to kiss her, not because he felt he had to or couldn't resist or thought he might not get another chance, filled Mairead with a giddiness she had never felt before.
Remus gently pulled her closer to him, causing her to tip her head back and deepen the angle of their kiss. His hands slid up her neck to cradle her face. Mairead wanted so badly to touch him, but couldn't quite work up the nerve just yet. She had raised her hands up, but wasn't brave enough to place them on his chest. This would not have posed a problem except that Remus chose that moment to lower his hands from her face to her waist, and his hands knocked into her forearms.
"Oh, I'm sorry," he said, sounding, to Mairead's delight, a little out of breath. He looked down to see what he had hit and frowned slightly at the sight of her hands, hovering awkwardly in midair a few inches away from his chest.
As always, he quickly surmised what was going on. He looked back up at Mairead, a wry smile twisting his mouth. "You do know you can touch me, don't you?" he asked in a dry, teasing tone. Mairead saw one of his eyebrows twitch and thought she might die of embarrassment.
"I - I know," she spluttered, feeling her face grow warm.
Remus's teasing smile turned sweet and sympathetic. "Here," he murmured, reaching out and wrapping his hands around hers. He gently tugged at her hands, guiding them to rest on his chest. "Put your hands on me."
Mairead felt the soft, worn fabric of his shirt beneath her fingertips. Underneath that, she could feel the hard muscles of his chest.
"Is this all right?" Remus asked slowly, his hands still on the backs of her own.
"Yes," she said breathlessly.
Remus nodded and slowly leaned in to kiss her again. The backs of his fingers stroked softly up her wrists, forearms and upper arms until his hands returned to her shoulders, but this time they slipped inside her cardigan and gently began to ease the garment off her shoulders. His hands followed the material down her back, cradling her lower back until Mairead lowered her hands and let the cardigan slip off her and fall to the floor.
Mairead could feel her heart beating in a strange rhythm, as if her heart were distracted by Remus, too, and only occasionally remembered to beat haphazardly. She rose up on her toes, seeking more contact with him. Remus responded by carefully easing her mouth open. Mairead held her breath, knowing what was coming.
When his tongue whispered against her own, her knees buckled and she collapsed.
Remus grunted in surprise but caught her before she hit the floor.
"Oh, my God," she whispered, hiding her face in mortification. What must Remus think of her? He was probably laughing at her internally, or worse: regretting that he had thought it a good idea to snog a flighty, inexperienced girl like her.
But when he asked, "Are you all right?" when he helped her get her feet back underneath her, all she could hear was concern.
"Yes, I'm fine," she said with a humiliated groan. "Just an idiot."
Remus rested his hands firmly on her shoulders to steady her. He silently persuaded her to look into his eyes. "Perhaps we should stop there," he mused quietly.
"No!" Mairead cried, eyes wide. Remembering herself, she gave her head a little shake. "I mean, that's fine. If you want to stop. Which - I mean, you probably do. Which is why you said that."
Remus surprised her by shaking his head. "No, actually, I said that for you," he said. "Do you want to stop?"
Mairead anxiously searched his eyes, desperate for a signal of what he was thinking. Honesty had worked for her earlier, and so she decided to give it another try now. "No. Do you?"
Remus shook his head. "No."
Mairead shifted her shoulders awkwardly. "Okay, then."
Remus's lips curled into a fond smile. "Here," he said, reaching for her hands. He guided her to wrap her arms around his shoulders. He twitched an eyebrow again, his smile turning impish. "Why don't you hang onto something?"
Mairead laughed breathlessly as Remus leaned in to kiss her again. She could feel him smiling against her lips and she tightened her arms around him, filled with a warmth and desire to be as close to him as possible.
Remus's hands skimmed back down her sides, then slid around to the small of her back. His fingers stroked slow circles, matching the rhythm with which his lips moved against hers.
Jesus Christ he knows what he's doing, the thought came sluggishly to her as her brain focused less on coherent thought and more on the delicious sensations coursing through her body.
Remus's hands tightened around her waist, holding her firmly against him, and pulled her lower lip into his mouth, tentatively stroking his tongue against it.
Mairead made a sound that was partially a moan and partially a breathy laugh at the precaution he took against her knees giving out again. She let her own tongue brush his upper lip and delighted in the shivering sigh she heard from Remus. Every sound was heaven. Every sensation delectable. Her mind was blissfully bathing in the sensuality of it all.
She didn't even know that she was moving until the backs of her legs bumped into something soft yet solid.
With an "oh!" of surprise, Mairead broke the kiss and twisted around in Remus's arms to see what she had crashed into. Something in her stomach thumped heavily.
She had backed into the bed.
She had been so distracted with pleasure that Remus had gracefully managed to steer her across the entire room without her noticing.
Her stomach gave another thump. She stared at the bed, and all it implied. Remus had brought her over to his bed. She might be a naïve little fool, but Remus was neither naïve nor foolish. It was already clear as day to Mairead that Remus was a highly skilled and knowledgeable lover, and if he had brought her over to his bed, then he intended for them to use it.
All at once, the full weight of her actions landed on her. She thought about Remus getting on top of her, of Remus seeing her without her clothes on, of seeing Remus without his clothes, of Remus touching her. And despite her fierce determination not to think this way, a sneaky, devious part of her brain taunted her, Professor Lupin is going to see you naked.
She had not been with anyone since Roger, and she remembered now how afraid she had been, how he had not listened to her, not cared that she had been scared and in pain, how he had ignored her when she had asked him to stop. She recalled how badly it had hurt. How she had not been ready. Was she ready this time?
"We can stop here," she heard Remus say quickly. "We don't have to go any further."
Looking back around, she met his eyes and saw that he had finally let his guard down. His emotions were all over his face, and she could see that he was alarmed by her response to being brought over to the bed and was backtracking hastily.
Relief washed over her. Here, at last, was Remus. Her Remus. Not a stiff, cautious, circumspect replica of Remus but the thoughtful, caring, empathic man she had been desperately in love with since long before Roger had come along and made her afraid of intimacy. Mairead lost herself momentarily in his dark grey eyes, shining with intelligence, compassion, and, at the moment, concern that he had taken her too far.
Of course she was ready. She had been ready for Remus her whole life.
"I meant what I said earlier, Mairead," he continued, anxiously searching her expression. "Nothing has to happen tonight. O-or ever. This has been lovely. We can absolutely stop here."
Mairead couldn't help the small smile tugging at her mouth.
Did he just stammer?
"Wait - do you want to stop?" she asked, frowning as the thought occurred to her.
Remus gave a small sigh. "I want to do whatever you want to do," he said sincerely.
Mairead wished that he would just tell her what he wanted. But as soon as the thought occurred to her, she remembered what Sirius had told her, and she knew that she would have to be bold.
Stiffening her spine with determination, Mairead used Remus's shoulders for support as she rose up on her tiptoes and, working backwards, lifted first one, then the other shin onto the mattress. Kneeling on the mattress raised her up so that she was eye-to-eye with Remus, whose mouth was slightly open, looking a little stunned.
"Are you sure?" he breathed, his eyes boring into hers, watching her closely for any signs of hesitation.
Mairead nodded.
"You can change your mind at any time," Remus said quickly. "You can leave anytime you want to and I won't think any less of you. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do."
"Okay," Mairead said, nodding again. "A-and you, too!" she added hastily. "You don't have to do anything you don't want to do, either."
One corner of Remus's mouth twitched. "All right," he agreed.
Stepping forward, Remus slipped his arms around Mairead again and pressed his lips against hers. Mairead wrapped her arms around his shoulders and held on as she felt Remus slowly begin to ease her onto her back. Her breath came out in a gush when she felt herself pressing back into the pillows. Remus pulled back and Mairead watched, holding her breath, while he braced his hands on the mattress on either side of her shoulders, carefully climbed over her, and lay down beside her. He propped himself up on one elbow and rested the other hand lightly on her stomach, watching her closely.
Mairead couldn't stop a sappy smile from forming on her face when she figured out what he was doing - he had climbed over to her other side to leave her a clear path to the door, should she wish to leave.
He couldn't be more different from Roger, she thought dreamily.
Biting her lip, Mairead reached out a hand and shyly let her fingertips touch the back of Remus's hand. She could feel Remus's eyes on her. She explored the back of his hand, running her fingers along the veins she could see through his skin, tracing down each of his long, graceful fingers to his neatly trimmed fingernails and back up, circling her fingers around his knuckles. Fascinated now, Mairead's fingers slowly made their way up his wrist, touching the raised place where his wristbone protruded. His sleeves were rolled up to his elbows as they usually were, and she licked her lips unconsciously when her fingers brushed the golden hair on his forearm that had recently become a wellspring of desire for her. Once she reached his elbow his skin was no longer exposed, but Mairead found that she did not want to stop. She ran her hand along his upper arm and could feel that, like his forearms, his upper arms were similarly slender but muscular. When she reached his shoulder Mairead let her fingers dance across it, feeling the muscles, sinew, and bones through his shirt.
It wasn't until her fingers reached his throat and Mairead's eyes caught on Remus's, silently watching her, that self-consciousness returned to Mairead in a wave of embarrassment. She yanked her hand away as if she had been burned, and could feel her cheeks growing warm as she looked away from him.
She gasped when she felt Remus's lips on the side of her neck. The hand that had been resting on her stomach began to caress her abdomen, and he slowly dragged his lips down to the collar of her shirt. She could feel her body beginning to pulse, and emitted a tiny sound. Remus kissed his way back up her throat, pausing to let his teeth scrape ever-so-lightly along her jawline. Mairead turned her head and sought out his lips, reaching forward and grabbing a handful of his shirt, her embarrassment forgotten.
Remus's hand slid down and his fingers began to bunch and gather her shirt. He pulled his lips away and watched her expression carefully while the very tips of his fingers touched the skin under her shirt.
She just managed to stop herself from making an embarrassing sound.
Still watching her closely, Remus flattened his hand, splaying his fingers across her stomach. Looking down, Mairead could see that his hand was large enough that he could span almost her entire stomach with one hand.
This time she couldn't suppress the whine that forced its way out of her throat.
Remus pulled his hand away and sat up.
Mairead's eyes widened in alarm. "I'm sorry!" she said immediately, sitting up as well. "What did I - did I -"
"You didn't do anything wrong," Remus reassured her quickly. "I just think I'd better do something before I get... distracted, and forget."
He leaned over her, reaching for something on the nightstand. When he leaned back, Mairead saw that he had retrieved his wand. He pointed it at the door.
"Muffliato," he muttered. A brief buzzing filled the air, then faded away. Next, he turned to face Mairead. "May I?" he asked, gesturing towards her with his wand.
Mairead frowned. May he what? "Er, okay," she said uncertainly.
With his left hand, Remus pulled the hem of Mairead's shirt up past her navel. Then, he delicately hooked a finger around the waistband of the pyjama bottoms she was wearing and pulled it down a couple of inches.
Mairead gasped softly. Remus touched the tip of his wand to the skin on her lower belly and muttered a spell Mairead had never heard before. There was a brief glow of yellow light emanating from the tip of his wand, which appeared to sink through her skin and disappear inside of her.
Remus placed his wand back on the bedside table, then looked back at her nonplussed expression.
"It's just a precaution," he said, holding both hands up like he was surrendering. "It doesn't mean we have to use it. Regardless of what happens, the spell will wear off by morning."
Mairead was still very confused, but she didn't want to look like an idiot, so she nodded and settled back down into the pillows. Remus lowered himself back onto his side.
"Are you all right?" he asked her.
Mairead nodded again. She didn't want to invite any further questions, so she leaned forward and kissed him again. Remus sighed against her mouth and buried his free hand in her hair, curling his fingers around the strands.
Mairead tried to puzzle through the spells as they kissed. The Silencing Charm was obvious enough. It sent lightning bolts through Mairead's stomach to think of what noises they might make that Remus wouldn't want others to hear. It made her feel dizzy, that Remus thought things might get loud.
Her thoughts were interrupted, though, by Remus brushing his hand down her side and back towards the hem of her shirt. His fingers slipped beneath once again, and he ran his thumb across the skin of her stomach.
"Is this all right?" he murmured in her ear.
Mairead nodded and took a shuddering breath, feeling Remus kiss the skin directly below the ear he had just spoken into.
His fingers caressed her abdomen. He traced the ribs under her skin, out towards her sides, back in, and up the middle where they met at the bottom of her sternum. Mairead held her breath while Remus touched her, his fingers so close to her breasts but not touching them.
Does he think they're too small? she wondered fretfully.
His hand wandered lower on her belly. His thumb circled her navel a few times before lowering to the waistband of her pyjamas. Mairead could feel Remus watching her again as his forefinger carefully traced the line of her pyjama bottoms, starting directly below her navel. When his finger was about halfway across her stomach, Mairead's abdominal muscles convulsed. Her hands shot out and she shoved his hand away, emitting a sound that was somewhere between a laugh and a quiet shriek.
Remus's eyes widened. "I'm sorry; are you ticklish?" he asked.
Mairead started to tell him that she was, but then froze. She knew perfectly well that Remus was kind and considerate, but she was equally aware of his mischievous streak and his love of teasing her. She regarded him with wide eyes, like a deer that had suddenly become aware of a predator stalking it.
"N-no..." she stammered in an utterly unconvincing tone.
Remus burst out laughing. Mairead couldn't help joining in at the sight of his grey eyes lighting up, dancing with amusement and delight.
He leaned in and pressed a kiss to the tip of her nose. "I promise, I won't take advantage," he said, still chuckling.
"Thank you," she said through a giggle.
Mairead looked up at Remus and he quickly sobered. He reached out, a thoughtful, conflicted look on his face, and tenderly stroked her face, tracing the line of her hair, her eyebrows, down the bridge of her nose, across both cheekbones. When he drew his thumb across her lips, Mairead dropped a tiny kiss onto the pad of his thumb. His eyes shot up to meet hers.
"May."
He breathed her name softly, like a prayer.
She let her entire soul spill out into her voice when she spoke. "Remus."
Remus leaned down and captured her lips once again. This kiss was different from the others they had shared that evening. There was an intensity to it, an intent. Remus didn't speak a word of it, but Mairead could feel that the atmosphere between them had shifted. There was a hunger to the way his lips moved now. Less hesitation in the way his tongue pressed against hers. Mairead could feel her entire body growing warm, and she was soon out of breath and gasping, reaching her hands up and running her fingers through his impossibly soft hair.
Remus's hand returned to the bottom of her shirt, but this time he curled his fingers around the hem, pulled his lips away from hers, and, in a quiet, hesitant voice, asked, "May I please take this off?"
Mairead's heart stuttered. She had been in bed before she had come here. She wasn't wearing a bra.
"You can say 'no,'" Remus added quickly, removing his hand and placing it respectfully on the bed beside her.
It wasn't the reminder of her free agency that lent Mairead courage, but the fact that Remus so earnestly cared about her comfort.
"No, you - you can take it off," she said shyly.
Remus looked at her like he couldn't believe his ears. "Are you sure?" he asked.
She nodded.
Remus kissed her and gently tugged her into a sitting position. She felt lightheaded at the touch of his hands skimming up her back, taking the shirt with them. She pulled both lips into her mouth and bit down nervously. She let him guide her to lift her arms up. He gingerly pulled her top off and dropped it over the side of the bed. Mairead's hair went into a frenzy and completely obscured her vision. She raised both hands to her face and shook her head to try to get her hair away from her eyes. She paused when she felt Remus's hands, sweetly brushing her hair out of her face and tucking it over her shoulders.
Shyly, Mairead looked up at Remus. She expected him to be checking out her chest and was exceedingly worried that he would be disappointed, and so was surprised to find him looking into her eyes.
"Are you all right?" he asked. She found herself smiling in spite of her self-consciousness, loving how much he cared.
She nodded and shyly tucked a stray curl behind her ear.
Remus's hands cupped her shoulder blades and he carefully coaxed her to lie back down. Mairead fought the urge to cover her breasts with her hands, forcing her hands down by her sides.
Remus's eyes never left hers, even as his hand began to explore her bare torso. He traced his fingers along her collarbone, stroked her throat, drew a single forefinger down the line between her breasts. Mairead's entire body began to quake as Remus touched her, nerves and excitement coming together to turn her into gelatin.
Remus's fingers paused, and Mairead saw a small frown form on his face. "Are you warm enough?" he asked her.
Mairead nodded. "I'm fine, thanks," she said, even though her trembling had become so conspicuous that her teeth chattered when she spoke.
Remus gave a small sigh, notably unconvinced. "Mairead..." he began, but broke off. Mairead noted that he looked almost embarrassed, and he broke eye contact at last, searching the headboard behind her for words. "If I asked you something, would you promise to tell me the truth?"
Mairead frowned in confusion, but nodded. "Of course."
Remus took a deep breath, swallowed, then, watching her closely for her reaction, quietly asked, "Sweetheart, are you a virgin?"
"No!" Mairead cried, sounding, to her own ears, awfully affronted for someone just one sexual encounter removed from being exactly what Remus thought she was. Now seemed like a perfect time to fold her arms defensively across her chest, and she seized the excuse to cover herself wholeheartedly.
"All right," Remus said in a conciliatory tone. "I'm sorry for asking."
Mairead could feel her cheeks flaming and she looked away towards the door, wondering if she should just leave now and save herself from making more of a fool out of herself than she had clearly already done. She wasn't quite sure just where she had gone so wrong, but obviously her skills were so amateurish that Remus thought she'd never done anything remotely sexual before.
Roger was right, she thought miserably. I am a lousy fuck. She was horrified to feel tears pricking at the corners of her eyes. NO. There is NO WAY I am allowing you to cry right now, she scolded herself.
She had half convinced herself to go when she felt Remus's warm hand reach out to cup her cheek.
"Please don't leave because of this, Mairead," he pleaded softly, reading her mind like he always did. He stroked his thumb over her cheekbone. "I didn't mean to insult you."
Mairead shifted uncomfortably. "I don't - I don't know what I did wrong," she said, humiliated by the whiny note to her voice but nevertheless looking to Remus for guidance.
"You didn't do anything wrong," he rushed to reassure her. "But you're shaking, May, and I was worried that you were afraid and didn't know how to tell me you wanted to stop."
"I'm not afraid," Mairead insisted. "Just... just a bit nervous."
Remus smiled softly at her. "I'm nervous, too," he admitted.
Mairead looked at him in astonishment. "Really?" she asked in a tiny voice.
He nodded. "Really," he confirmed.
"Why are you nervous?" she asked, unable to stem her curiosity.
Remus's fingers lovingly stroked her face and hair. He spoke softly. "I'm nervous because I don't want to hurt you. I'm nervous because I'm worried our... previous dynamic will make its way into... what we're doing, and you'll feel you have to do as I say, or that you can't say 'no' to me, and I'll end up forcing myself on you without realizing that's what I'm doing. I'm nervous because I've wanted you for a while now, and I really don't want to mess this up." He looked straight into her eyes as he concluded, "Mostly, though, I'm nervous because I care about you a great deal, and I would never want to do anything to make you feel uncomfortable or unsafe with me."
Mairead gazed at him, touched beyond words by his admission. Even with their steadily developing friendship over the course of the summer, Remus very seldom made himself vulnerable in front of Mairead. She bit her lip, figuring that she should probably level with him, as well.
"I'm nervous because I... I've liked you for a really long time," she admitted softly. "And... and I have done this... but only once... and I'm total crap at it... so I'm worried you won't... won't like me anymore... afterwards..."
She glanced up at him hesitantly following her admission, and saw him frowning. "I'm confused..." he said slowly. "What makes you think you're not any good at this?"
Mairead shifted awkwardly. "Erm, feedback?" she supplied feebly.
Something shifted in Remus's eyes. "From whom?" he said in a tone that indicated he already had his suspicions as to the answer.
Mairead's mouth twitched. "Roger," she said in a barely audible voice.
"Did Roger know it was your first time?" Remus asked.
Mairead nodded, looking away in shame.
"And he felt it appropriate to offer you constructive criticism? After your first time?"
Mairead shrugged. "I mean, it wasn't immediately after," she said reasonably. "We were fighting, and he said that, that even if some other guy would want to be seen in public with me, he'd immediately dump me after finding out how awful I am in bed."
For perhaps the third time since she had known him, Remus looked livid.
"I knew it," he said angrily. "I warned you not to go out with him. I practically begged you not to go out with him. I knew he would hurt you. I knew he would treat you terribly and -"
"Are you really picking now as a good time to get into 'I told you so's'?"
Remus froze mid-rant. He had the grace to look abashed. "No," he said with a small, sheepish smile. "Forgive me."
Mairead smiled shyly. "It's okay," she said quietly.
Remus locked eyes with her, and she once again basked in the openness on his face, the lack of guards and caution. "You are absolutely lovely, May," he said in a low, fervent voice. "I promise."
Mairead ducked her head shyly. "Oh, okay," she breathed. She was unable to bring herself to look at him, but she humbly added, "I'm sorry I got all huffy with you."
She heard him chuckle softly. He leaned in and dropped half a dozen tiny kisses along her ear before murmuring directly into it, "You Irish with your stubborn pride."
The low, seductive tone in his voice sent a shiver shooting down Mairead's spine, and she instantly began to tremble again, but she managed to counter with, "You English with your self-proclaimed moral superiority."
Remus took his time kissing her throat, suckling lightly on her skin in a way that made her gasp and arch. His hand found her folded arms and gently persuaded her to uncover herself. His fingers stroked her ribcage again, and he said, "I'm not English, I'm Welsh."
"Yeah, whatever," Mairead said breathlessly, turning her head and capturing his mouth daringly.
Her boldness was rewarded with a startled moan from Remus. His fingers tightened their grip on her side, then he slid his arm between her body and the mattress and pulled her close as he, quite simply, snogged her senseless.
When Remus pulled away, he was out of breath and his eyes had grown darker than usual. His hand was back to skimming along her belly and up her sides. Mairead saw the question come into his eyes before he said anything, and she found herself nodding to the unspoken question.
On their next journey down her side, the backs of Remus's fingers grazed the side of her breast.
Mairead gasped.
"All right?" Remus asked, his fingers stilling.
Mairead could not speak, so she merely nodded. Remus continued on.
He was watching her closely, and Mairead didn't want to seem like she was mad with lust, but it felt pretty outstanding, being touched like that by Remus. Soon, Mairead was biting down hard on her bottom lip and letting out poorly suppressed moans and gasps. The heels of her feet dug into Remus's bed.
Desire was mounting in Mairead beyond anything Steven or Roger had ever elicited from her before. Her head tipped back and she stifled a groan, squeezing her eyes shut.
Finally, after she had taken as much as she could bear, Mairead turned her head and buried her face in Remus's chest. She thought she might lose her mind.
Remus's hand disappeared from her chest and slid up to cup her face. He guided her lips back to his and kissed her hungrily. Mairead was so far gone with passion that she moaned wantonly at the delectable taste of him on her lips. His hand slid down her torso as he broke the kiss and rested his forehead against hers. He once again hooked a finger around the waistband of her pyjama bottoms.
"May I please take these off?" he asked, his voice husky.
Mairead nodded. She sought his lips out again but he pulled his face away from hers. She looked at him in confusion, then felt him slip the same finger around the elastic of her knickers.
"And these?" he asked, watching her expression.
Mairead considered this, eyes wide. She would be completely naked. Remus would be able to look at her entire body.
"You can say 'no,'" he reminded her softly. "I don't want to do anything you don't want to do."
"You can take them off," she said hoarsely.
Remus's pupils dilated before her very eyes. "Are you sure?" he asked.
She nodded.
Remus pushed himself onto his heels, and Mairead immediately missed his reassuring presence by her side. She wanted to follow him, but knew this was ridiculous and stayed where she was. She watched Remus slip his fingertips into her waistband and begin slowly dragging the remainder of her clothes down her body. Mairead braced her hands on the bed and raised her hips to help him slip them off.
She held her breath as she watched herself being slowly bared to his gaze. It seemed to take forever, but Remus finally freed her feet and deposited her pyjamas and knickers on the floor beside her shirt. Mairead either resumed trembling or became aware that she was still trembling.
I'm naked in my teacher's bed. The thought rose to the surface of her mind before she could suppress it. NO, she scolded herself. Don't think like that. I'm naked in the man of my dreams' bed.
Ever the gentleman, Remus did not ogle her naked body, but instead immediately rejoined her, rubbing his hand soothingly along her stomach and kissing her tenderly.
"How are you doing?" he asked, his voice full of care and concern.
"I'm grand, thanks," she said in an unnaturally shrill voice. "You?"
He smiled crookedly for a moment, then sobered. "Are you nervous, or afraid?" he asked in a serious voice, ignoring her question.
She knew that he truly cared what her answer was, so she took her time considering his question before concluding, "Just nervous."
He nodded. "If that changes, I need you to promise me you'll let me know immediately."
"I promise," she whispered, her voice taken from her as a particularly strong shudder made her whole body tense.
Remus considered her for a long moment, his beautiful grey eyes darting back and forth between each of hers. He took a deep breath, then leaned in and kissed her.
Mairead's trembling increased when she felt his hand slide slowly down her side, over her hip, to stroke the outside of her thigh. His hand explored her leg slowly and carefully, but he still elicited a tiny squeal and giggle when his fingers brushed the skin above her knee.
One corner of his mouth turned up. "You really are ticklish, aren't you?" he teased her gently.
Mairead laughed, feeling some of the tension drain from her body.
Remus's fingers slowly made their way inward until they brushed the seam where her thighs were clamped together. Remus did not comment on her prudishness, but merely moved his fingers over to caress her other thigh. He tilted his head and left sweet, featherlight kisses along her jawline and down her throat.
Mairead lost track of how long Remus caressed her in this fashion. He never once made her feel rushed, or like she was being overly modest, never showed the slightest sign of impatience or frustration at her nervousness. He just kissed her tenderly and stroked her softly until gradually Mairead felt herself relax. She felt her thighs fall open, but even then Remus waited for her to look at him before his fingers leisurely made their way back to her legs.
With immense care, Remus eased her thighs apart. Mairead's heart was racing. The nervousness she felt waged war with the excitement she could feel.
Remus locked eyes with her and whispered, "May I touch you?"
Mairead nodded and squeezed her eyes shut, breathing in slow, shallow breaths while she waited.
Nothing happened.
Mairead opened her eyes and met Remus's gaze.
This must have been what he had been waiting for.
Remus's eyes never once left hers while he touched her, watching her with rapt attention, paying attention to every reaction, cataloging every infinitesimal twitch and quickly learning how she most liked to be touched.
But for as quickly as Mairead's pleasure built, her nerves built even faster. Anxiety soon overtook her pleasure, and she reached out a hand and clamped her fingers around Remus's wrist.
"Remus," she said through clenched teeth.
"Are you all right?" he asked at once.
"I - I..." Mairead broke off into a growl of frustration when his hand stilled. She bucked her hips and Remus seemed to understand.
"I know," he said. "It's all right. I've got you."
The pressure was reaching a tipping point. Soon she would not be able to bring herself back from the ledge Remus was driving her towards.
"Remus!" she cried more urgently.
Remus leaned in and pressed his forehead firmly against hers. "I'm right here," he vowed. "It's okay. I won't let anything happen to you. I'll be right here, I promise I've got you. You can let go."
In the end, it was the sound of his voice - the gentle purr Mairead had always adored - that pushed her over the edge.
When awareness returned to Mairead, she realized that she had buried her face in Remus's chest. She looked up at Remus shyly, embarrassed by her wild behavior, but Remus immediately leaned in and captured her lips in a deep, slow kiss.
Remus pulled away just enough to rest his forehead against hers. "Thank you for trusting me enough to share that with me," he whispered. "That was incredible to watch."
Mairead could feel her cheeks burning and she mumbled something mostly incoherent about not being the one who should be thanked.
Remus smiled and pulled his hand away from her. Mairead waited for him to continue, but he seemed content to draw nonsensical patterns on her stomach with his fingertips, occasionally causing her to shiver. Eventually Mairead tried to steal a glance at him subtly, but he immediately noticed and read her thoughts just as quickly.
"We can stop there, May," he said. "This has been wonderful, and I'm perfectly content."
Mairead blinked at him. "D- y- oh," she faltered, confusion taking over. "You - you don't want to... erm, I mean..."
He smiled again. "I don't want to push you too quickly."
"You're not!" she said, hoping her tone wouldn't sound as pathetic to him as it sounded to her.
Remus looked deeply uncertain, and doubt started to creep up on Mairead. "Of course, if that's your way of saying that you don't want to, I totally understand," she added quickly. "I don't want to push you further than you want to go, and I don't want to make any assumptions about how far you wanted to go - although I don't really understand exactly what you got out of - of, of things so far, but th- you know, that's yours. Your feelings. Up to you, I mean. Your feelings are up to you, is what I'm saying. Obviously, they're up to you, they're your feelings, or wants, or whatever. Desires, I guess. Not that I'm saying that you desi-"
She broke off at the sight of Remus's mouth twitching in a valiant but losing effort not to laugh. "That was not my way of saying that I don't want to," he said, eyes dancing with amusement. "But thank you for thinking of my sensibilities."
"Oh. S-sure thing," she said lamely. She waited, trying not to squirm from embarrassment. After a long moment, she looked up and found Remus watching her, looking deep in thought.
He sighed. "Are you absolutely sure?" he asked.
Mairead nodded. "I'm sure." She didn't even need to think about it. She had already trusted him with her life when she had walked into his room earlier. Now she trusted him on a new level, in a way she had never trusted anyone before.
Remus took a deep breath and let it out with great control. "You can change your mind at any time," he said. "At no point will it be too late for you to back out. If you want to stop, tell me to stop. If I do anything you don't like, tell me to stop and I promise I will stop. Do you understand?"
"Yes."
"Do you promise to stop me if I do something you don't want me to?"
"Yes."
Remus stared at her, watching her closely, then released a breath and nodded. He slipped his arm underneath Mairead's body again and kissed her, but all of his uncertainty had taken root in Mairead, and she squirmed and pulled away from him.
True to his word, Remus immediately stopped and pulled back, watching and waiting for her to tell him what was wrong.
She stared anxiously into his eyes, desperately trying to read his mind the way he could read hers. "D-do you want to, though?" she asked, her voice weak and insecure. "Or, or are you just being nice to me?"
Remus's eyes widened and he laughed in disbelief. He closed his eyes and pressed his forehead against Mairead's. "God, yes, I want to," he whispered. "I want to so badly I can barely think."
Mairead huffed out a breath. "Oh, okay," she said shakily. "Cool."
Remus chuckled and smiled warmly at her. "You are my all-time favorite person, Mairead O'Keefe," he murmured.
Mairead's heart sang.
She opened her mouth to reply, but before she could say anything, Remus was kissing her again. Which was just as well. Mairead felt fairly certain that she had been about to confess that she was in love with him, and that was probably too much.
She felt Remus shift his weight. His hand slipped away from her abdomen, and her heart stuttered when she heard him undoing his belt and trousers. She was terribly curious, but was too shy to look when he pulled away and removed his trousers and pants.
Mairead heard the clatter of his belt buckle hitting the wood floor, and then, for the first time since they had kissed at the cottage by the lake, Remus carefully shifted until he was lying on top of her. Mairead's breath started to come faster and the desire she had felt earlier returned.
Remus watched her closely, reaching a hand up to brush her hair sweetly away from her eyes.
"Are you all right so far?" he asked quietly.
Mairead nodded. "You?" she asked breathlessly.
He smiled, and the warmth in his dark grey eyes answered her question.
"You can stop me at any time," he reminded her.
She nodded a touch absently as a worrying thought came into her mind.
Remus noticed instantly. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing, just..." she looked away and asked his shoulder, "Is it going to hurt very badly?"
"No." She heard the frown come into his voice. "Did it hurt badly the first time?"
Mairead swallowed and winced at the memory. "A bit," she hedged, not wanting to scare him off.
"He hurt you?"
Mairead glanced cautiously at him and saw his eyes flashing.
He seemed to think better of whatever he had wanted to say, however, because he huffed out a short breath, then said, "It shouldn't hurt at all. If it does, stop me immediately."
She nodded once again.
Keeping his eyes on her, Remus brought his hand back up and cradled her face, stroking his thumb softly across her cheekbone. He watched her wordlessly for a long moment.
Then, he shifted his hips and slowly began to press into her.
Mairead gasped. It felt unbelievable. Far from the sharp, tearing sensation she had felt her first time, this time felt wonderful. He was so careful, she felt nothing but bliss. It felt like nothing she had ever experienced before.
Remus groaned quietly and let his head fall forward onto her chest. He buried his face in her throat. Mairead, whose hands were clutching his upper arms, could feel him trembling as he took slow, deep breaths, hissing through his teeth.
"Are you okay?" she asked tentatively, wondering what she could have done wrong already. Was there something wrong with her? Was she built wrong or something?
"I just need a moment," he grunted, then, ever the gentleman, he politely added, "please."
Mairead nodded. "Okay," she said, feeling herself beginning to shiver with nerves again. She pulled her lips into her mouth and bit down hard. Was he going to want to stop? Was she already so dreadful at sex that he wouldn't see a point in continuing? He was obviously very experienced in the bedroom, Mairead reasoned. He could probably tell when someone was a lost cause.
After what seemed like ages, Mairead felt Remus stir. She braced herself for what was sure to be a kind and compassionate rejection, and so it stung more than a little when Remus took one look at her face and started to laugh.
"You don't have to look so worried," he said, still chuckling. He stroked the backs of his fingers over her face and pressed his lips to hers firmly. Mairead was too confused to kiss him back, and he presently withdrew. "Forgive me," he said, smiling sheepishly. "It turns out my self-control is not equal to your loveliness. Which I suppose I already knew," he added wryly. "I'd like this to last a bit longer than half a minute, so I needed to take a pause."
"Oh!" said Mairead quietly, feeling her cheeks flush. "Okay."
"Are you all right?" Remus asked for what must have been the hundredth time. "Any pain?"
Mairead shook her head. "I'm fine; no pain."
"Are you ready for...?"
If he thought Mairead's nod was as pathetically enthusiastic as it seemed to her, Remus did an excellent job of hiding it. He braced himself on the mattress and then, his eyes burning into hers, he began to move.
Mairead shuddered at the sensation.
Roger had moved hard and fast, at a brutal pace. Remus moved achingly slowly, almost reverently, like he was worshiping her body. A shudder went through Mairead when she pinpointed the difference.
Roger had fucked her. Remus was making love to her.
"May," Remus breathed into her ear, his breath hot and moist. Mairead felt the hand under her back pull her closer to his body. "May."
With a moan, Mairead felt what he was feeling: the slow, aching building in her center. She wrapped her arms around Remus's back and whimpered. The pleasure was so intense it was almost painful.
Her vision went black as she shattered into millions of fragmented pieces. Remus let out an involuntary cry and collapsed on top of her, moaning deeply and helplessly.
Remus and Mairead fell limp in each other's arms. The only sound in the room was their ragged breathing. The only movement the occasional, shivering aftershock of their shared climax.
Mairead lay in unmitigated bliss. She nestled her face into Remus's neck and draped her arms languorously around his shoulders. She felt intoxicated. She could feel Remus's heart pounding through his shirt. For some reason, this gave her more satisfaction than she could explain, knowing that she could make Remus's heart race.
Mairead lost track of how long they lay like that, catching their breath, basking in the afterglow. Eventually she felt Remus begin to stir. He raised his head and left heavy, sluggish kisses up her throat and over to her mouth.
"Are you all right?" he asked her after breaking the kiss.
Mairead could only smile dopily at him.
Remus raised one arm with what looked like great effort and brushed her tangled hair out of her face. "Did I hurt you?" he asked, the familiar line forming between his brows as he frowned with concern. "Was I too rough towards the end?"
"You weren't rough," Mairead said, turning her head and kissing the palm of his hand. "Not at all."
Remus sighed with relief, closing his eyes and letting his frown relax.
Dipping his head down to kiss her lightly once more, Remus carefully rolled off her and collapsed onto his back. Mairead turned her head and looked up at him. One of his arms was tucked behind his head and he stared at the ceiling, looking dazed.
He was silent for a long while. Then he mused, "Roger Davies didn't have the first idea what he was talking about."
Mairead let out a startled guffaw. Remus smiled at the sound and looked over at her, grinning now.
"I'm serious," he said. "You were outstanding."
Mairead moaned in embarrassment and covered her face with both hands. Her cheeks felt like they were on fire.
"Don't," she heard Remus plead softly. She felt his hands rest lightly on the backs of her own. She stubbornly refused to uncover her face, but she did allow him to tug her into his arms. Mairead rolled over onto her side and traded hiding her face in her hands for hiding her face in his shirt. Remus seemed content with the change and wrapped both arms around her, holding her to his chest.
Mairead gradually relaxed, nestling her face into him. She fiddled absent-mindedly with one of the buttons on his shirt before startling at a realization.
"We never even took your shirt off!" she said. "I'm sorry!"
Remus waved a hand dismissively.
Mairead's mouth twitched uncertainly. "D'you want to take it off now?" she suggested.
Remus smiled drowsily. "No, thank you," he said. "I'm perfectly content."
He closed his eyes. Mairead gnawed on her lip uncertainly. She remembered how awkward she had felt when Roger had had to suggest that she leave his bedroom after he had finished. She didn't want Remus to have to ask her to leave, and was working up the mental wherewithal to ask if she should go when Remus beat her to the question.
Only he didn't ask her to leave.
"Will you stay the night?"
Mairead blinked up at him. "Do you really want me to?" she asked hopefully.
One corner of Remus's mouth turned up. "Yes," he said. "I really do."
Mairead tried not to squirm with delight. She felt her face heat up again. "Okay."
Remus's eyebrows quirked. "Although..."
He reached a hand across Mairead and snagged the edge of the duvet, which had been shoved nearly off the bed by their activities. Remus pulled the covers over both of them, rubbing a hand soothingly over Mairead's shoulder and cuddling her close.
Remus waved a hand and the lamp extinguished itself. Mairead sighed in contentment, snuggling close to Remus's side and reveling in her happiness.
"Good night, Remus," she said shyly.
She heard his breath touch sound as he sighed, an involuntary moan of happiness.
"Good night, sweet girl."
Author's Note: ...Did you like it? I have never written a scene like that before, so I really hope it wasn't too bad! Please let me know what you thought (but please be gentle, lol)!
Songs for this chapter: "Firefly," by Ed Sheeran (Remus). Also, the song that was playing on Remus's gramophone when Mairead walked in was "Every Breath You Take," by The Police