We're all under pressure
Can't stand the weather
For the worst and not for the better
Please, this ain't the way to live
Something's got to give
Daughtry

Bella

The first newborn came inside slowly.

His mouth was open in a silent snarl. All of a sudden, he was bending over, his hands in the crimson puddle, bringing it to his mouth. Others appeared and followed the same motion. Roars erupted as they fought with each other. With their now speeding shapes jumbled, I couldn't count how many there were. My shield fully extended, they couldn't smell me or hear me.

But they could see me.

"Get back in formation! I told you not to move!"

The voice was startling, I hadn't been expecting someone to speak. It seemed he'd been reprimanding the newborns but now he was staring at me, his head tilted to one side.

He was handsome, even as his red eyes were curiously unsettling. He appeared more in control than the others, or wanting to be. The leader? The creator? His gaze roamed over me, from the streak of blood trickling off my fingertips to my chest flickering in fear.

Seemingly registering the other heartbeats in the room, his footing changed and he was closer but looking over my shoulder for the source of the sound.

I whipped my hands through the air. He didn't move—unsure or confident—and it was his undoing.

Just like the tree trunk, just like the boulders, his head was severed. There was no blood. It was almost too clean. But I watched his consciousness dissolve right before my eyes. His skull fell to the concrete with a sickening boom, a cavity half-burying it. But his body didn't fall. It stayed poised as if it was a statute, nothing more than marble.

Not allowing myself to react, I did it again, aiming for the doorway. I couldn't tell how wide to make the curve so erring on the side of caution, made it as big as possible.

I was tossed to the ground as something slammed into me—too cold to be a werewolf—and roars and snarls erupted in the vast room. I landed next to the severed head and its eyes were accusing. Scrambling backwards, I clambered to my feet again, willing myself not to puke even as bile rose in my throat. Now was not the time to get hysterical.

I thrust my palms out, using the flat of my shield this time, creating stockades to my left and right. The werewolves were prepared, letting themselves be shunted sideways and then leaping up to pounce on the confused newborns.

Steel screeched and twanged, the vampires being torn into pieces. Body parts littered the ground, gorging valleys and craters in the cement. The severed parts that had been there longer were moving, crawling and lurching in the grime as they tried to re-join themselves.

Something knocked into my temple and I tumbled over once more. Pain burst behind my eyes, blinding me. When I opened them, my gaze was an inch from the dusty floor … I could see tracks in the dirt from where I'd been before …

Fire.

My arm was on fire.

I forced myself to focus and saw tell-tale marks across my gash, but it was no longer there. Not werewolf teeth … vampire teeth.

The venom was trickling up my arm, the flames whipping higher—already it had sealed the cut from the knife, leaving only the burning, bubbling flesh behind. My skin was foaming as though acid had been splattered across it, creating a clear pattern of curved razor lines of teeth. Yanking the needle out of my bag, I hovered it over the bite.

I blocked the pain as best I could so I was able to think. I held myself above it and considered it.

Was this what I wanted?

Yes.

Even though I was in the worst pain I've ever been in. Even though I knew it would get worse.

I wanted it.

But not this way.

Not in the middle of a battle and with no one to help me. The terror of losing myself was blinding; what kind of vampire would I be if all I felt was anger and fear? It needed to be done with kindness … their stories had taught me that much. Without it, what would I become?

'None of us want to be murderers.'

Jamming the needle into my wound, I forced it in as hard as I could to make sure I pierced a vein. The pain didn't even register; my whole forearm was aflame. The dark blood flowed into the tubing, splashing onto the ground a moment later.

Across the cavernous room, a newborn materialised as he paused, distracted, his head turned in my direction. He disappeared and I knew he was running toward me.

Fur flashed as one of the werewolves snatched him out of the air. Leah and Paul were circling me tightly now, watching the carnage, but it was slowing. The sounds were waning, the number of dismembered stone bodies growing.

The fire was ebbing too. I'd lost a lot of blood but had to keep going until all the poison was gone; longer still, to make sure not a single drop remained.

When the burning stopped, I jerked the needle free inelegantly. Both my arms were smeared with red; my shoes as well. Tensing my injured forearm, I tried to discern if the ache was venom or not. It was holding steady.

"Bella!" Jake's scared shout made me cringe involuntarily. Everything was too loud. "Did you get the venom out?"

I nodded, not trusting myself to open my mouth. There was still a taste of bile.

"No one's badly hurt," Jake said, taking note of my worried search.

Sam was limping, his hind leg raised gingerly; probably broken. Jared was lying with his jaw flat on the ground, whimpering quietly. It looked like he was trying to hold his mouth in place until it healed. Slouching against him, I patted his shoulder anxiously, hoping to comfort him.

"You all right?" I whispered.

He whined an assent, his eyes closing miserably.

The rest of the pack was moving freely, flicking body parts towards the larger pile. White limbs crawled over each other hideously, some having found their counterparts and begun to re-form. But none would be quick enough.

The heads, the biggest fragments of them at least, were also in a pile. Eleven. All of them were men. Coincidence or by design?

Paul came in from outside, phasing. "I can't pick up any new scents. I think these were it. But we should do a wider search before we leave." His skin was tinged with green and he avoided looking at the bodies.

"Can you hear any sirens?" I was able to ask.

"Not so far."

We had to be quick. This situation was unexplainable. With trembling fingers, I shoved the needle back into the pocket and unzipped my bag to get the now dented cannister. Jake took it out of my hands when I struggled to loosen the top and he poured a bit over the pile and the rest around on the floor.

Once he'd phased and I was on his back, I leant as far over as I could and held the lighter to the closest newborn. I didn't see it catch; everything was distorted. A wall of heat surged over my shoulders, growing cooler as we fled outside. The vampires must've ignited fast. Down the street, there was a park with a playground and we stopped there, our bellies low to the frozen grass, concealed in the darkness.

The warehouse was a dancing inferno already, the yellow light visible for miles around. Vampire bodies turned to ash within minutes but I was also counting on the blaze to destroy any fingerprints I may have invariantly left, since it turned out I'd been unable to wear gloves and use my shield at the same time; it ripped the fabric, same as when the pack phased. Hopefully the blaze was enough. I didn't want to get stopped by the feds at the airport, some alert for arson under my name.

Leah and Patricia were gone, quickly following the scents for a few yards down the street to see if they came across any new ones, someone who hadn't joined the fight. Our persistent crouch told me they hadn't.

Emergency sirens activated in the distance at the same time there was an ominous creaking and part of the roof caved in. A ball of fire shot up and evaporated in the chilly air. This wasn't a residential area but a passing car on the other side of the block stopped to gawk at the sight.

I prodded Jake and we were sprinting again. Branches and leaves were soon whipping over my form as I buried myself into his fur.

The trip was longer than usual; our destination, our home, felt like a million miles away. There was no moon for me to see by, clouds blotted out the stars. I tried to use the steady drum of their paws to quiet my pounding heartbeat.

When we finally arrived, the elders were waiting at Billy's house, all alert and anxious, which calmed a little as they saw our group was intact and largely unhurt. During the pack's account, they examined Sam's knee and Jared's jaw, making sure there was no lasting damage.

When Billy handed me a mug of tea and Sarah brought out a first aid kit so she could clean my injury, I started weeping. Jake put his arm around my waist hesitantly.

Maybe I should just stay here.

I liked them, more than I had first allowed myself to. And they liked me as well, perhaps also more than I'd been expecting. Wouldn't my life be just as good here in Forks? Not the same. But maybe it would be easier than setting off to a strange land. Familiar and … some semblance of the kind of connection I craved.

But it still wasn't exactly right. And I didn't want to settle for even a half of what I truly wanted.

Every way I looked at it, my paths always lead to the same place. What I wanted most of all was to be a vampire. That life called to me in a way nothing else ever had.

Everything I would have to sacrifice if I didn't get it …

'You haven't considered everything.'

But I had. I'd examined it ceaselessly; every perspective, every possible outcome I could think of.

I couldn't do it alone. I needed to find others. Others who wanted what I wanted. I had money enough for a year of searching, maybe two if I lived very frugally. Perhaps that would be enough, or perhaps I'd have to stop and work. There was no telling how long that would take.

There was no exhaustion, only determination. That was how I knew I was right.

"Are you sure all the venom is out?" Sarah asked, tentatively dabbing antiseptic into my bite.

"Yes, it spreads fast."

"Do you feel faint?"

I shook my head. I was a little dizzy but that could be from any number of things other than blood loss. Billy had loaded my tea with sugar and I drank it gratefully.

"It was worse than I'd imagined it was going to be," Patricia said quietly.

Most of the pack nodded, almost in synchronisation.

"Taking a life, any life, is an immeasurable decision," Harry said gravely.

I was glad they all had each other to help them through it. Everything they'd been through these past weeks … it was enough for a lifetime.

The pack and I stayed the rest of the night, sprawling out on the couch, armchairs, and an air mattress. Jake and I bickered over who was sleeping in his bed and I lost so had to reluctantly curl myself under his duvet while he repeatedly insisted he was fine on the floor. His loud snores soon spoke to that.

I couldn't sleep. There was so much noise, the steady breathing of everyone, the clanking refrigerator. Even the distant ocean waves breaking on the sand bank.

Tomorrow … next week … we would learn if we'd made any impact, saved any lives. It had been barely six weeks and the newborns had turned or murdered over twenty people. The instigator had. It was hard to guess his motivations. His irises had still been the colour of scarlets, bright enough to mark him as young as well. And yet, he'd seemingly been trying to marshal the group into something … or for something. It took incredible willpower to stop draining a body once the frenzy started. Almost no newborn had control like that. Some other force in him was stronger.

He'd only chosen men. He seemed to regard me with disdain, but that could've been because I was human. Or did it speak to the backward views of a pseudo-soldier?

His moves had been clandestine. He knew something of human life and vampire order. There was nothing in any of the media about vampires. He'd hidden parts of his undertakings. And someone had obviously created him. Where were they? What were their motives?

The fire was reported in the news the next morning but it was short. They made a point of saying no one had been injured in the blaze but they didn't mention whether it had been deliberately set alight.

Charlie was my best bet. A bad look if they did find my fingerprints but I'd be in South America soon.

"Some crazy stuff going on down near you," I told him when he'd picked up the phone.

"Yeah," he agreed. "Likely faulty wiring. Apparently it was slated for demolition in the spring anyway."

"No one was hurt, right? They never explain things properly on the news."

"No. The firefighters got all trigger happy thinking it was connected to the missing cases. Any crime is rare there. But I doubt it."

"There's no new leads?"

"We've been trading off with patrols and door duty. Same as before, no one sees anything. I reckon we'll be asked to pull back if nothing more happens in the next few weeks."

I hoped so. I'd been tearing my hair out over Charlie so close to this supernatural mess.

All of us hovered around at Jake's house for the day, restless and unsure. Jared and Patricia got stuck into the Xbox and were soon preoccupied, Paul putting his two cents in as he watched. Leah, Sarah, and I followed a fiddly recipe, something that needed concentration. Jake kept stealing chocolate chips when we weren't looking and we punished him by sending him to the store for more.

I had to sit in one of the kitchen chairs for most of the day. The panicked moves of yesterday pulled my muscles, and my scars were taut and painful again after the jerky movements.

Everyone's laughter was wooden or forced but it helped a bit. We were waiting. Waiting for nothing, because nothing meant peace.

A few days later, with nothing but quiet, I asked Leah to take me to Mount Howitt.

"I can't help but think that Victoria has something to do with the newborns," I said, once we'd found a solid perch in a hemlock tree. "Not that she orchestrated it, just … maybe she created the first one."

"Why would she do that?" Leah asked, peering around for any sign of her; unsuccessfully. There still hadn't been any new trace of her.

"I think she's lonely."

"Why doesn't she just find other vampires? Seems less work than creating one."

"She doesn't seem to want to stray too far from here."

Leah gave me an odd look. "You know we're talking about Victoria, right? Not you?"

I shrugged. "I see myself in her."

"I'm pretty sure that's called projecting."

My smile was nearly sincere. "Possibly."

"It seems weird, doesn't it? Something should've changed, and yet …"

I nodded despite the fact I didn't quite feel the same. Killing an evil person was still murder. But I also knew what Leah meant. We were among the only people who could have stopped the newborns. The right way—or the human way—wouldn't have ended anything. Hundreds might've died. And who knew what the Volturi would have done to cover up deaths of that magnitude. I'd been astounded when Jasper explained that some historical plagues were actually the Volturi's mass extinction of witnesses to the supernatural.

Leah and I stayed for a few hours, almost forgetting our original errand. She searched for trails in her werewolf form again a few times but couldn't find any trace of Victoria.

"Are you and Sam doing better?" I asked. They'd been sharing the couch at Jake's house the night we'd all slept over.

"Some. We've been talking with my mom about everything. He won't forgive himself."

"Closure isn't the same thing."

"No," she agreed. "But he's not there either. Him not phasing was helping so all this brought it back. We were trying to keep him focused and he did get better at it. Sam was arguing with himself every scout. He was refusing to kill the vampires, not wanting to use violence. But then he'd wonder how it would feel if one of us got hurt because he didn't do anything … he ended up letting his instincts lead. He wasn't paying attention in the battle, it's how he injured his knee. And now he hates that he made the choice to use his instincts too."

"Avoidance probably isn't the right way."

"That's what mom said."

Leah was peeling the dead leaves from twigs, watching them flitter to the earth. "This is kind of how it was when he first started phasing and couldn't tell me what was happening. It was like dating a crazy person; one day he'd be telling me how much he loved me, the next he'd barely speak to me. I thought he was getting into drugs or something. It made some sense once he could tell me the secret but it was only after I phased and could understand his thoughts that I got it properly."

"Is that why this time is better?"

Leah nodded. "He finds it easier to think about it all rather than say it."

"I'm sure you'll both work it out."

"Yeah. We had a bad bit right after your accident. We couldn't stop arguing. He wanted you to forgive him and Mom and I told him that you didn't have to and he was … confused after your talk; where you didn't forgive him but weren't angry at him. Mom said it was something he needed to do for himself."

"Is that working for him?"

"Kinda, I guess. His thoughts are less jumbled. But he's pretty scared of hurting someone else."

"Seems like we got all the newborns. He won't have to phase anymore."

"I told him we can handle anything without him. Anything after that will be a piece of cake."

I couldn't help but smile at her confidence. The pack had been put through the wringer these past months. If Leah felt it made her stronger, I was glad of it.

But for me, another week went by and I broke down and went to the doctor for sleeping tablets. It was like I had a persistent flu, my body couldn't keep up. I needed rest but couldn't calm. My nightmare was the same as always but I woke unable to breathe—red eyes and talons lurked in the corners of the house, flickering away when I tried to look closer; burning frost spreading from my now cold vampire bite and encasing me in shards of icicles.

She gave me a prescription she said didn't have the same side effects as others but stressed it was a short-term solution and I needed to think about how to address the underlying causes.

Right. I'll just do that. Even if I could afford to go to therapy more than a few times, what would I say? Paranormal battles, stalking vampires, loss of immortality … I'd be put in a straight-jacket and never allowed to see the light of day again.

The first night the pills didn't work at all. The second night they at least blocked the hallucinations which was probably all I could hope for.

There was now no work or school or scouting. Each morning, I went to the corner shop and bought one of every newspaper they had; the local, regional, even the New York Post. I read them cover to cover, every single word. I wrote and re-wrote my textbooks, learning them verbatim. I roamed aimlessly around the forests until night time. Occasionally I would drive to La Push and spend the afternoon with Leah or at Jake if I found them at home but I didn't want to impose too often, worried I was becoming an annoyance after spending, and then having to spend, so much time with them.

On Christmas Day, I went to visit Charlie. It was bittersweet. This might be the last time I'd ever see him. That didn't dismay me as much as it probably should.

He took me out fishing on his boat. It cut easily through the lumpy ice in the rough river but we were forced to stop when we reached frozen portions of the narrows, the blocks too fat to push aside.

The frosty air made most everything quiet but tiny waves sloshed against the side of the boat and ice cracked intermittently.

It was soothing to be in the wilderness again, with the crisp air and weak winter sun. There was a tang of optimism that had been missing from my long nights scouting through the black woods.

"I'm glad I didn't have to work," Charlie observed, leaning back in his chair contentedly. "It's almost too boring at the station now."

"But relaxing."

"Nothing beats it," he agreed.

"And the rest of your tenure definitely won't be as bad as all that."

Charlie smiled, surprised at something of my old humour making a reappearance. "You're probably right. It can only go uphill from there."

"I'm going travelling soon," I told him after a while. There were still no new reports. My flight left in a few weeks and it was looking more and more like I could leave.

"Oh? Where?"

"Chile."

"That's pretty far," he said, frowning slightly. "Why do you want to go there?"

"Change of scene. I don't know how long I'll stay. Probably a month."

I had my story ready. I'd eventually tell Charlie and Renée that I was moving permanently to whatever country I ended up in. Fewer obligations to visit that way, not that I would be able to.

"What about college?"

"I'll go in the fall," I said, only a small lie. I'd go to college as soon as I could. But only afterwards. I was too impatient and too fraught with bad luck to do it any other way.