A\N: Please, continue spreading awareness about what is going on in Palestine, Congo and Sudan at the moment and calling for a permanent and lasting ceasefire. Check out free palestine, free congo and free sudan hashtags on social media and accounts like wizard_bisan1 and azaiazamotaz9 on Instagram and twitter and boycott the companies that support the genocide
—
According to Gretchen's professional assessment she showed clear signs of depression. According to Arizona's reluctant and extremely deeply buried self-assessment all she wanted was to rest her head on Callie's shoulder and just breathe freely for a change.
There were no loopholes in the medical board's decision whatsoever. None. She talked to Jackson. She talked to the hospital lawyers. She talked to non-hospital lawyers. She talked to Seattle Pres' chief of surgery just because she needed to try it all for her own sanity or what was left of it, which inevitably had gotten back to Richard, but to Arizona's surprise he didn't say anything. At all.
Maybe he too thought his attending was depressed. Everybody seemed to be walking on eggshells with her. Even Callie or at least Arizona thought so based on the fact that her wi- ex-wife stubbornly acted as if the hostile elevator exchange never happened, Arizona gladly following along even though once again an extremely secret part of her stupidly wanted Callie to care enough to still be mad at her.
Maybe the reason was that policeman guy, 'BORING' appearing on his forehead in capital letters after just a few minutes of a forced polite conversation. Then again, maybe that was exactly what Callie needed for a change – boring and reliable, not suffocating and unable to commit to anything. Neither her and definitely not Heather were deemed fit for the dream job for a host of different reasons.
Still, Arizona didn't like the guy one bit; didn't like how he called Callie 'just brilliant' to her face as if he knew that and she didn't, as if she was an acquaintance, one of many respected colleagues; she didn't like the way his eyes shined when he said that; she didn't like the way Callie got all awkward and nervous, finding the two of them together; completely illogically she didn't like that he wanted the robot leg and she didn't. And finally, she absolutely hated that she decided to bring Sofia's forgotten homework at that particular moment.
Maybe it was time to start triple checking her. backpack instead of double checking it.
Once again, there were a whole lot of 'maybes' in between which Arizona apparently had turned into the hospital's girl, who lost both her mentor and her job in a span of a couple months now, like Amelia was the girl, whose brother died or Meredith was the gone girl.
As if her plate wasn't already full, to finish it off Millie had to have a rare blood type. Yet another thing for her parents to blame each other for.
All in all, life did look quite… well, depressing at the moment, having to quit smoking per Gretchen's gentle request easily taking the very last place in the long list of Arizona's worriers.
It was never actually that hard for her. There were whitdrawls, of course, but once she would decide to stop she could just power through it. Tim always teased her, saying it was her way of bringing the good-man-in-a-storm into a very not-good-man-in-a-storm-y thing. She has always been more prone to the whole… philosophy, if you will, the Colonel lived by.
Yet Tim was the one to die a good man in a storm while she lived long enough to become an unwillingly divorced cheater.
He would laugh at the comparison, his barking laughter filling every fiber of her body with warmth, and remind her jokingly that at least she saved babies, which in all honesty hasn't felt wholeheartedly true either lately.
She thought about him a lot those days. Far more often than the usual everyday 'Hm, Tim would have loved this', 'Oh, Tim would have laughed at that', 'Tim would have said this or that…'
"What do you think this might mean?"
"I don't know," Arizona said honestly with a shrug. "Maybe I should visit him. I haven't been in a long time."
"How long?"
"Very. I still had two legs." Gretchen didn't laugh. Arizona did, masking the bitter taste in her mouth.
She remembered the day like it was yesterday. Sofia called her 'Mama' for the first time. She had to share something like that with him. Out of the two of them he was always the one, who knew he wanted kids while she thought she knew she most certainly didn't. And when her conviction changed completely he wasn't there to see it. He didn't get to be an uncle. He didn't get to be a dad.
He didn't get to live.
"Well, I don't see any reasons why you shouldn't go. It may do you good. Since you say the nightmares have subsided."
"Yeah. The pills must be working. And our extensive conversations, of course." Arizona couldn't keep a pinch of sarcasm out of her voice. Gretchen didn't take any offense. She had learned by now talking was difficult for the blonde. And the things she had to make herself talk about… they were in the 'difficult' category too, to put it mildly.
"Antidepressants-"
"I'll think about it."
"Right now it's a recommendation, but nevertheless a pretty strong one." Gretchen folded her hands on the desk, studying her client carefully.
"Well, trust me, I hear you." Assured Arizona, their equally hard stares clashing.
Gretchen looked down first. "Let's set up an appointment for after your trip."
After her trip… She only had one day off leading up to Memorial Day. Memorial Day was for everyone. Arizona wanted the visit to be just for them. She needed to go before, as soon as possible now that she'd decided to, which meant only one thing.
"Hey-"
"Hi. Could you, um, please wait a second?"
"Yeah, of course." Arizona paused, listening to the street sounds in the background. "Is it a bad time?"
"No, no, what is it?"
"Can we switch up Sofia's schedule a bit? It's just… I'll be busy this Friday-"
"Yeah, of course."
"-going to Arlington."
Which Arizona knew perfectly well was very far from being Callie's concern. Yet she still said it, because no matter what the part of her that died forever and the part of her that was born on the incredibly hot July day in 2003, still longed for the only person in Seattle she'd ever let meet her brother to know this.
"…we can switch days, Arizona."
"Thank you. I'll pick her up from daycare."
The call left Arizona's chest weirdly tight, the pressure dissolving only when she saw Sofia drawing something behind one of the little plastic tables. Seeing her mom at the entrance she jumped off the stool, making sure to take the unfinished piece with her.
"Mama!"
"Hey, goose. Ready to go home?"
"I didn't finish my drawing…" Sofia said, holding the paper up.
"Well, why don't I put it in my purse so you could finish it after dinner?" suggested Arizona, pushing the door to the changing room open.
"Don't look." Folding the paper neatly Sofia gave it to Arizona. Then she came up to her locker, pulling out her outside boots.
"Can we watch…"
"Frozen?" Arizona made an easy guess, helping Sofia into her light coat.
"Yes!"
"We can but…"
"…dinner and bath time first!" Sofia grinned cheekily, beating her mother to the door.
"That's right. Now, meatballs or fish sticks?"
"Meatballs! Bye, Mrs. Harvey!"
"Bye, Sofia!" the nurse waved back, nodding at Arizona with a polite smile as the pair proceeded outside into the hospital hallway.
They passed by Mr. Reid on the way to the parking lot. He smoked the same cigarettes Arizona did until about two and a half weeks ago.
"Mommy, why did he look at you like that?" Sofia asked, instinctively squeezing her Mama's hand harder, both protective and a little nervous.
"Don't worry about it, okay? He's just… afraid."
"Why?"
"Because his little girl is sick and he's really scared for her," explained Arizona as Sofia settled into her car seat.
"Will you help her?" she asked with all the innocence in the world.
"I'm doing everything I can, sweetie, but it doesn't fully depend on me."
"But you are the bestest doctor ever!" said Sofia confidently, looking out through the back window as if Mr. Reid could somehow hear her.
"Thank you, Sof. You are my bestest girl ever," smiled Arizona kissing the dimple on Sofia's chin before going to take her place behind the wheel.
The car ride home was filled with singing, Sofia warming up before the grand performance of "Let It Go". But just like they agreed before first came dinner, during which Sofia put the finishing touches to her drawing. Thinking she was well distracted, Arizona poured herself a glass of water, two pills falling out of the bottle onto her palm.
"You sick, Mama?"
Coughing in surprise, Arizona swallowed forcefully, turning around.
"Kind of, Sof," she cleared her throat, pulling up a chair close to Sofia's. "But there's no need to be scared, okay? It's just… You have nightmares sometimes, right?
"Yes."
"What do you do when you have one?"
"Go to you or Mamí for cuddles."
"Exactly. But grandma Barb lives far away. So I can't go to her. That why I need the pills. To not have nightmares." Explained Arizona, complete aware of what that might entail. Sofia trusted them and loved to share things with with her or Callie. Suddenly asking her not to felt beyond wrong, even kind of pathetic. "You understand?"
"You are not going to the stars?"
"No, baby, I'm not."
"Pinky promise?"
"Pinky promise." Nodded Arizona, catching a tiny pinky with hers.
"Okay." Sofia crawled into Arizona's lap, giving her a hug. "Love you. You can come to me for cuddles at night."
"Thank you. I love you too, Sof." Arizona rubbed Sofia's back, blowing a raspberry on her cheek. "Now show me that super secret drawing of yours!"
Giggling, Sofia pulled the picture to herself, pencils rolling onto the table, and lifted it up so Arizona could see properly. What she saw immediately brought a smile to her face. It was pretty easy to recognize Alex and Sofia, running around on the grass with a ball. In extremely fluffy pink ballet tutus for creative reasons known to Sofia and her only.
"Do you like?"
"I really do, Sof, it's brilliant. And I'm sure Alex will too. We'll show him when he and Jo are back." Arizona took the drawing, pinning it to the fridge with a magnet. "Now, c'mon, the tub is ready. The duckies must be getting lonely."
"I'll add bubbles!" Sofia shot up the stairs like a lightning bolt, even before Arizona was done rinsing their plates.
"With the bubble stuff this time, not Mama's shampoo!"
Arizona's shampoo left unharmed in the process, Sofia was squeaky clean half an hour later, ready to watch the promised cartoon.
"Go turn the TV on. I'll bring the popcorn," said Arizona, once she finished brushing Sofia's hair. Doing as she was told, the little girl ran to the living room.
Downstairs Jo and Alex had just entered the house, back from a date night.
"Hey guys, you wanna watch 'Frozen' with us?" Asked Arizona as they were getting rid of their jackets.
"Yes!"
"No," Alex said quieter, his head with a smirk plastered on it popping into the kitchen.
"Alex!"
"What? Thanks to the kids from the hospital I practically know it by heart." He shrugged.
"As if I don't."
"Okay, it depends. Are you making popcorn?"
"I'm," Arizona said, lifting a bowl as proof. "By the way, take a look-"
"God, I love this!"
"-at the fridge," finished Arizona, smiling at Alex trying to steal the piece of paper from Jo's hands. A few tries later he managed finally, walking into the living room.
"Hey, Softball," he landed on the couch beside Sofia, Arizona rolling her eyes at the silly nickname. "Your mom is saying you drew this."
"I did!"
"Wow, well done. Nobody has ever drawn me as good as you do, you know that?" he winked, tousling her hair.
"Can we play again tomorrow?"
"Of course, we can."
"I'll wake you up."
"We'll see about that, sleepyhead." Alex booped her nose as Arizona and Jo came into the living room with two bowls of popcorn. Salty and caramel.
"I'm not! I don't even want to sleep! Ever!" Declared Sofia, Arizona biting her lip to stop herself from laughing as various images of her sleepy, adorably displeased child flashing before her eyes.
Famous last words.
Contrary to her announcement, Sofia melted into the soft embrace of sleep almost like Olaf started melting into the floor near the fireplace, a little over an hour later.
"Mama?" she mumbled while Arizona was tucking her in. "Waffles tomorrow, plwese?"
"Okay, sweetie." Arizona kissed her good night one last time, leaving the bedside light on. She had a 12 p.m shift the next day. They would have just enough time. "Sleep tight."
Tim would have loved some morning waffles.
—
He and Sofia had the same favorites too – blueberries and chocolate syrup. And apparently lots and lots of both were needed on top of the waffles to restore the energy Sofia had burned running around with Alex since early morning. Technically, Sofia had woken up. In the middle of the night, crawling sleepily into Arizona's bed.
The waffles seemed to have done their job just fine as Sofia was practically bouncing off the walls on the way to daycare, which had become kind of a rare sight ever since Meredith left with her main partner in crime.
From there forward it felt to Arizona as if time was flying. One moment she was blowing Sofia a kiss through the glass window and the other she was already fastening her seatbelt. The flight itself seemed endless though and while a stubborn crowd started to form to Arizona's right as soon as the plane touched down at Hartsfield–Jackson, she personally was more than glad to have an opportunity to sit there and get herself together. There was a car waiting for her at the airport's parking lot.
She pretty much remembered the way to Arlington by heart. Every turn. Every traffic light. Every intersection. Just like she remembered every step of the way to Tim's grave.
"Hey," she said quietly, replacing old flowers with some fresh ones, in a way agreeing with herself to let her parents know she was here.
"So…" she sighed, the tips of her fingers meeting with cold white marble gingerly. Her heart skipped a beat like it always did, the coldness shooting through her veins. "No judgment but Nick did something really stupid. Something really Nick-y . You probably already know. Also there are these two redheads I need you to look after…"
Gretchen would be sincerely shocked at how easily the words flowed from Arizona's mouth. Tim always was her favorite person to talk to. He always listened, even if silently now. So she talked. About Nicole and how unfair it all was. About Sofia and how she held pens and pencils the 'wrong' way just like her, which simultaneously meant just like him. About Callie and… everything.
Unsurprisingly, when she finally fell silent the sun was already high up in the sky, burning her back persistently.
"Thank you," she whispered, taking a shaky breath. And another one immediately after, her systems shocked at how much easier it suddenly became to breathe.
Walking back to the car with the burden on her chest significantly lighter felt easier too. Still she decided to wait a few minutes before pressing gas again, her eyes landing on the glove compartment coincidentally. Then she remembered it wasn't in fact her car, her hand retreating halfway. If it was her car, at first glance one would see nothing else but every parent's best friend aka a roll of paper towels, a lighter and of course a few of Sofia's ubiquitous toys that weren't in her good graces at the moment.
Buried securely under all of that there was a small polaroid picture, herself, Nick and Tim smiling brightly at Arizona from it, young and careless. Her hair was an uneven mess just like her heart after Joan had thoroughly messed with it. Nick and Tim were sporting identical buzz cuts and identical satisfied smiles. They had staged a successful intervention that day, dragging Arizona out of her heartbroken stewing in her room to a sunny beach.
There were numerous other pictures, gathering dust on her parents attic. But Arizona took that one to be with her. It was so far away from deployments, cancer, planes falling off the sky, touched by sun, time and nothing el-
Knock-knock.
Blinking away tears, Arizona turned to her window, rolling it down to see an elderly gentleman standing near her car.
"Sorry to bother you, sweetheart but, it's hot outside and you've been parked here for a long time, so just wanted to check if everything is okay. I'm Abe, by the way."
"Dr-"
"Dr. Sweetheart?" he joked, bringing a smile to Arizona's face, which she didn't think was possible today.
"Dr. Arizona Robbins," she continued, "but your variant sounds good too. Thank you for checking in, really. Everything is fine. I was just… thinking."
"Okay then, you have a good day." Abe saluted her goodbye with his hat. "And remember you have unlimited access to hospital jello." Before Arizona could say anything to that, he winked and turned around, walking back to his own car.
Making a silent promise to eat some raspberry jello on his behalf as soon as she was back at the hospital, Arizona turned the key in the ignition, the car coming to life.
She always loved to drive. It grounded her, gave her a feeling of both control and freedom at the same time. Never being able to do it again scared her almost as much as never skating. She got to do both again, largely thanks to the person, who was calling her now.
Before she might have put the phone on speaker and keep driving. Now a mere thought of doing that felt wrong to her. Too little time had passed since Derek. So she took the next turn away from the highway and parked on the side of a smaller deserted road.
"Hey. What's up?"
"Hi. You can talk, right?
"Yeah. What is it? Is Sofia okay?"
"Well…" Evidently Callie took the phone away from her ear, so Arizona could hear disgruntled sobs without a doubt produced by their four-year-old.
"She refuses to go down for her nap until she talks to you. But I thought since today you are…" She didn't need to say 'Arlington' out loud for Arizona to understand the logic behind Callie's decision. One, that Sofia obviously wasn't a big fan of.
"Give her the phone. It's alright."
There was a pause. "Are you…?"
"I'm parked."
Another pause. There have been a lot of them in their conversations lately, no matter how brief, sometimes even more than there were words.
"Okay. Here's Mama, Sof."
A sniffle indicated Sofia had the phone now.
"Hey, goose, Mamí is saying you want to tell me something?"
"What… what if you have a nightmare… and I'm not there?" Sofia asked, voice breaking similar to Arizona's heart.
"Oh, Sof… The thing is… you are never away from me."
"Never?" Arizona could easily imagine puffy brown eyes widening.
"That's right. You know why?"
"Why?" there were still tears in Sofia's voice but also tiny sparks of excitement.
"Because I'm your Mama. You are always with me and I'm always with you. So if I have a nightmare, I'll just think about you and it'll make me feel so much better."
"Pinky promise?"
"Pinky promise." Arizona nodded, bending her pinky as if she could reach Sofia's from miles away.
"Okay."
"Now why don't you go jump into bed?"
"Will you sing for me?" Sofia asked, little feet stomping up the stairs.
"Of course. Get tucked in, okay?"
"I am." Sofia said, the blanket rustling in the speaker.
"Good. Now close your eyes." Arizona settled more comfortably in the driver's seat, moving it back, and started to hum a familiar motive.
The song choice didn't really matter. It was always the softness of Arizona's voice itself nursing Sofia to sleep. That day the blonde picked 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star'. If he was here, Alex would certainly grumble that he had already learned it by heart too.
Sofia knew it too, which in no way stopped her from going out like a light when Arizona had just reached the third verse, probably exhausted from all the crying.
"Sweet dreams," whispered Arizona with a loving smile after a few minutes of listening to even, calm breathing.
The call over she could finally take a look at her surroundings, ending up pleasantly surprised. To her right the green seemed endless, numerous dandelions diluting it with some white spots.
Arizona didn't think twice, swiftly unbuckling her seatbelt with childlike excitement bursting through her veins.
The flower heads seemed weightless under her touch, flying around in the afternoon sun. Arizona walked forward on autopilot, taking the moment in. Somehow it felt like a gift from Tim.
"Thank you," she breathed out, the fluffy snowflakes immediately jumping at the opportunity to tickle her throat. She didn't mind at all. She didn't know how much time had passed exactly, but at some point the air around her became cooler, the sun stepping down gradually. Still Arizona went back in no hurry, something in her chest seemingly clicking into place. Gretchen was right. The trip certainly did her good.
In more ways than she had initially assumed as when she looked at her phone back in the car there was a knew voice message from an unknown number.
Arizona, hi! This is Addison Montgomery…
—
A little bit ahead in terms of chapters on AO3: /works/49609279/chapters/125210338
comments are more than welcome and greatly appreciated!