Chapter 12

The group had been to dinner at a Latin American place in Fortitude Valley and were now strolling down the busy pedestrian street, taking in the city bustle. It was a weekend night, people were out and about, and the city was now lit up in Christmas lights, which was an odd combination both to Rory and Logan who were used to living in colder settings this time of year. Christmas and short sleeves just didn't go together.

Finn, Gigi and Christopher were walking ahead, the street being quite busy this time of day, leaving Logan and Rory following them a few steps behind. The crowd took some navigating, but also provided something to look at. It was fair to say that Rory was also rather distracted by her surroundings, wondering what the different shops and restaurants were about. Mostly this was intentional though. After all, it was easier to focus on her surroundings and look for things to talk about than the person she was walking with, and to make casual conversation about nothing in particular rather the plethora of big things they were yet to discuss.

Logan was still surprised of himself, that he'd actually unloaded on Rory the way that he had the other day in the car. It wasn't really like him to do that. It was pretty damn close to telling her how she'd meant a lot to him, that he'd even loved her and considered throwing his life upside down to figure out some way to incorporate himself in her life. But she'd never actually said that was what she wanted, and the fact that she still hadn't really responded to his statement seemed almost like confirmation that she truly never had wanted that. Logan wasn't used to dealing with self-doubt, except for around Rory. That was what truly bothered Logan. He wanted her to respond. He'd believed he knew her better than the façade she'd knowingly showed him then. Maybe even now? He believed years ago Rory had hidden her hurt under layers of indifference. Hurt of many things – loss of her grandfather, disappointment in her career and other things. What he didn't really understand was why she was still doing it. Sure, there had been more losses, but there had also been wins. And they were supposed to be friends. So why pretend?

In his eyes Rory could've at least admitted he'd meant more to her back then, even if he didn't anymore. Maybe whoever this new guy was, had indeed gotten under her skin more than Logan had and right now she was just grieving that relationship – or whatever was exactly going on there.

At the lack of any better ideas, Logan did what he knew, wanting Rory to at the very least relax and not blabber about this and that, clearly being uncomfortable around him still.

"So, how did you end up working for your dad?" Logan asked, recalling work having always been the safe subject with Rory. Their discussions about work, politics, public affairs and culture had always been enthralling, witty and lengthy – perfect for hiding out but still enjoying each other's company.

"It just seemed like the logical option. With a kid, I couldn't imagine myself working myself to the bone anymore or being away from home more than I was home, so it just seemed kind of obvious, I guess," Rory replied. It had been much more difficult than that, truth be told, but she didn't like to admit it.

Logan hated to say it and that's why he held off, but to him this didn't sound too much like Rory. Not like the Rory he'd once known at least. He didn't think that in a bad way though – in some ways, he'd always thought she'd be so much better off if every once in a while she just cut herself some slack and accept some help. Even asking for favors had always been so challenging for her.

"That must've been quite the change for you," Logan said instead, trying to sound neutral.

"It was. Well – everything was. Having a kid was the biggest change of all," Rory explained.

"Did you have help at least? With the kid , I mean," Logan said, tentatively exploring to know more about this guy of hers.

"Well, in the beginning I was in Stars Hollow. There was no shortage of help, though often it was more burdensome than helpful. But sure… there were people. Everyone was telling me what to do and how to do better, it kind of had the opposite effect in the end. But sure, I had help – mom and Luke, especially," Rory shared. She knew that she probably should tell Logan at some point that the guy in question was Jess, but she didn't particularly look forward to that conversation, and since there were only a couple of weeks left, she wasn't entirely sure she had to have that discussion with him at all. Friends didn't need to know all the details of every decision in each other's lives, not unless they needed to know.

Logan was desperate to ask what role had the guy in her life had – had he even been around to help? He wasn't even sure why he was hoping for another reason to dislike the guy through something like that considering his main agenda was wishing her well.

"But as for PR – I just felt it was close enough to what I knew already. And technically I don't work for him, but for the company in which dare I say, I have a small share in, too," Rory said, cheekily. It was a new side of Rory, and she hadn't thought she'd actually like this little fact. Owning something like that actually gave her a sense of accomplishment of another kind, one she'd never really anticipated. Even sitting on the board gave her some sense of purpose besides being handed this opportunity on a silver platter.

"Ah… sounds like… um, well 'me'...?" Logan teased and chuckled.

"I know it wasn't 'like me'. But everything that was 'like me' hadn't exactly turned out that great for me. Journalism wasn't working out, editing a small-town newspaper wasn't working out, writing wasn't working out… so this I pretty much knew already. And instead of fighting everything my connections and money could offer me, I just let go. I accepted it. It actually felt kind of liberating. And I'm not going to lie, my therapist at the time had a lot to do with getting me that far. But I know what you must think…," Rory continued.

"What? What do you think I think?" Logan inquired, feeling surprised to hear her think like that.

"That I settled? That it's not 'like me'? That I could be doing something better with my time, my life?" Rory suggested, revealing how major her insecurity still was underneath it all.

Logan took a moment, thinking how to respond.

"I just always felt how you wanted me to live up to my potential," Rory said.

"Yeah, sure… But all those things you said - it's not what I think," Logan began, taking a deep breath. "I think you…," he began for the second time, but reconsidered. "I don't think I have the right to think anything… let alone judge your choices. I just hope you found what makes you happy, that it's a better balance between your family and work than you had before. Whatever it is, it sounds better than mine certainly," he added. Truthfully, he had no idea how he was going to balance a family with the way he's life was set up currently.

Rory exhaled deeply, and wrapped her arms around her waist defensively. They slowed their pace a little but mostly still just kept walking the direction they'd been walking in. Their surroundings were attracting less and less attention.

"I am actually kind of surprised that you care what I think in the first place. It's not like I'm such a great example of following my dreams," Logan exhaled.

"Well, it's not like you had that much of a choice," Rory replied, keeping in mind one of his earlier questions for later, not knowing how to respond to it right away. Rory understood Logan's former angst towards the family path he'd been set on since an early than most, having not just assumed but really listened to him time and time again.

"That's what my dad wanted me to believe, sure. But I've always had a choice. I just… I didn't have enough reason to break out of it. And I tried, didn't I? When I went to San Francisco? I tried. But it turned out to be just too darn hard with the name that I have. Half the people hated me, the other half wanted my money which I didn't have anymore, and became uninterested as soon as they found out," Logan explained.

"You never told me about this," Rory said, frowning. At least he'd never explained this to her in so much detail before. All she'd gotten at the hotel bar in Hamburg was – "It just didn't work out" when he'd explained how he'd made his way back to the family company.

"What would it have taken for you to have wanted it bad enough?" Rory asked, tentatively. She hoped desperately that he wouldn't say 'her' – feeling guilty as it was for turning down his proposal back in the day. She couldn't be the reason why he'd failed or not fought hard enough to stand on his own two feet.

"I don't know," Logan said. Sure, he had theories, but he couldn't be sure having Rory by his side would've actually made a difference. But he did know that being in a bad place mentally at the time, had been a part of it. However, making Rory feel bad about it wasn't his current intent.

Rory didn't reply, simply remained thinking.

"And that's why I would never judge you for taking an easier route for once. You tried to build your first career a hell of a lot longer than I ever did, and you did a lot better in it than I did, too," Logan said.

"I did not," Rory argued, not taking him too seriously.

"Oh, really?" Logan said, continuing to list some of her accomplishments.

"Those are needles in a haystack cases," Rory argued. "I would actually need to build something out of those little bits to feel like I achieved something," Rory added, struggling to come up with a good comparison right this minute.

"Sorry that you're book never happened," Logan said, biting his lip not to let the other part of his thought slip out – "Maybe you should've taken that key to the Maine house, after all" in a teasing tone.

It was the one thing he'd been able to follow her on online, her disappearance from social media having stopped all other communication after New Hampshire.

"It almost happened, you know. I still have the manuscript," Rory admitted, looking down at her hands.

"You do?" Logan asked, excitedly. Had she published under a pseudonym?

"I just realized that if I did go forward with it, I'd have to promote it and there'd be all sort of scheduled attached to it. There would be no privacy if it did well. I never actually realized how much work came after finishing a manuscript. And I mean, it's just so stupid of me not to have thought of it," Rory said, failing to add that she'd only ever understood it first and after seeing Jess do it.

"Well, that's kind of true," Logan confirmed.

"So, I realized I was not ready to sit up there on some pedestal, talking about my family, and selling it as a sweet story. So, if anything, it's a family memoir that I can give to my daughter one day to read," Rory explained.

"Well, that's kind of cool, isn't it?" Logan replied.

"Yeah, kind of," Rory agreed. "And, you know… I think besides my mom and my grandparents, you're one of the few people whose opinion I've always cared about. So much, in fact, that I still find myself sometimes thinking whether you'd be proud of me if I took a particular route in life or not," Rory admitted, warming Logan's heart more than she realized. Even if it wasn't a confession of loving him or caring about him in some deeper way, if nothing else then as a friend, it was confirmation that she looked up to him and looked for his approval. He did the same, more than he was ready to admit.

"Wow," Logan exhaled, taking in the statement.

"Don't make a big deal of it, please… It's just something…," Rory said, regretting her confession.

"I care about what you think, too," Logan admitted.

"You don't have to lie about it," Rory said.

"I am not," Logan argued.

"You are, too!" Rory insisted. "You're too nice! You're always too nice!" she added, causing Logan to chuckle.

"Rory – you're the person who made me a better person. Even just knowing you, woke parts of me I never knew existed before. I actually have a moral compass now!" Logan said, stopping in their path and turning to Rory to say this, inside mixing serious with funny to hide how serious he really was.

"You always had a moral compass, Logan," Rory said, making her eyes wide.

"You sure about that? Even if I did, I didn't act according to it. And later too, I don't think I've ever really lived up to the standards I've imagined you have," Logan explained, remaining standing in one spot.

"What standards? I don't have any standards for you," Rory argued, finding this confusing. She'd accepted Logan together with his faults.

"Imaginary standards, fine… whatever. I just never think you approved of me doing what I did or am doing," Logan replied. Rory's voice asking him 'whether he was really going to marry Odette' was still embedded in his brain, - it was an example of many such cases, but certainly one of the more painful ones.

"What are you saying? I don't think I understand," Rory pretended to be more confused, needing him to say what he meant. This couldn't possibly just be about the work.

Logan let out a lungful of air.

"Ugh, London, Odette, the life that I'm living," Logan replied in short, not being able to spell everything out for her. That just stung too much.

"I never said that!" Rory argued.

"You didn't have to!" Logan replied.

"What, you just put words in my mouth in your head?!" Rory continued.

"I just know you… I know you think I could do better. That maybe I could actually have something genuine," Logan replied, reluctantly adding the latter.

"But I didn't…," Rory began again, feeling confused to hear him say that. "You haven't even seen me for, what, seven years? I'm hardly the same person!" she insisted.

"Yeah, but I am sure you're now thinking - sounds like someone who's not happy with his life," Logan replied himself.

"Well, you said it, not me," Rory exclaimed, sounding more upset than she'd meant to.

The people continued to pass them by, a few of them giving them even curious looks as this looked like a heated conversation from the sidelines.

"Yeah, I did. But I am sure, you're thinking it, too. I'm sure of it!" Logan replied.

Rory didn't know what to say.

"And if you're really not, I'm sorry… I'm sorry for insisting that you care, when you don't. I'm obviously imagining things here," Logan exclaimed in return, and ran his hand across his face.

"I just said, I care – didn't I? I've always cared about what you think. And do I want you to be happy – yes! Do I know what formula makes you happy – no! That's something for you to figure out as I'm clearly not in that picture, I haven't been for 20 years!" Rory replied, frustratedly. God, this man is infuriating. He was then and he is now! – Rory thought to herself.

"And that wasn't my choice, Rory! That was all yours!" Logan exclaimed.

"Logan…," Rory said, suddenly getting a thick lump in her throat. She felt like crying – sobbing like a little child. What this sounded like, and not just this time but for the second time, was that Logan was deeply hurt by

whatever had gone on between them the last time.

Rory swallowed, not getting any other words out.

"I didn't mean to upset you," Logan said, calmly, not wanting her to cry, seeing the tell-tale signs on her face already.

"Let's just go," Rory said, feeling awful saying it, considering how similar it was to what she'd said a couple of days ago in the car.

"It's seems that we lost them," Logan pointed out, no longer seeing their three companions in the crowd in front of them.

"I guess, we can just call them…," Rory began, taking her phone out. But she was too distracted to actually make the call. She was not ready to face anyone else.

"Look, I'm sorry. Seeing you, it's just a lot harder than I thought. I care about what you think, more than I thought I did. I also still care about whether or not you are happy in your life," Logan explained.

"That's all I want for you too," Rory said, biting her lip.

"Well – are you?" Logan asked.

"I'm okay," was all that Rory managed to spell out truthfully. "Are you?" she asked, diverting the question back to him.

"I'm okay, too," Logan replied, quietly, making it evident for both of them how while their lives were technically ordered, it didn't mean they were flawless.