6. Make Mild a Rugged People

With his eyes closed and his feet dangling in the air, Jakotsu inhaled deeply, relishing in the scent of the open sea. He heard footsteps behind him, familiar and safe, so he stayed as he was, feeling the hint of a smile tugging on his lips.

'Is this a good place to be sitting?'

Sensing Bankotsu next to him, he opened his eyes and looked down at the younger man leaning against the railing he was perched on so precariously. 'You're not throwing me in.'

'No. But can you swim?'

Jakotsu laughed softly. 'If I fall, you may have to rescue me.'

'Hmm. Then maybe I should push you. We'd finally be even.'

This was a ridiculous thing to say. At their first encounter, he had saved Bankotsu's life, but that had been a side effect rather than his intention. Following that, they had fought together in countless battles, and it had been so often that one had shielded the other from a potentially fatal blow, they'd lost count. 'We've been even several times over, Aniki,' he said at last before he closed his eyes again and smiled more fully.

'Do me a favour?' Bankotsu's voice was tense and laced with worry.

'Anything.' He found that it was true. There was nothing in this world he would deny this man. It had been that way for a long time, but Jakotsu hadn't been aware of it before.

'Get down here. I would go after you, but then we'd both be alone in a deep dark ocean and no-one might hear our calls for help. We would die together.'

'Now that wouldn't do at all.' He pushed himself up with his arms, pulled his legs under him so he was sitting on the railing like a colourful bird, and did a backflip.

'Have you lost it?' There was a light quaver in Bankotsu's voice as he stood, one arm stretched out as if he'd planned to catch his friend in mid-fall if necessary. 'Jakotsu, if you die … There are only so many chances any one guy gets.'

'Relax. I can swim. And there's a ladder at the side, you'd just have to toss that.'

'But I wouldn't have, I'd have dived in after you.'

That one earned Bankotsu a scoff. 'Have a little faith, I don't fall that easily.'

'I know.' Sighing, the other man shook his head, looking at the vast blackness in front of them. 'What do you make of these people, now that we've spent a little time with them, Jakotsu? What do we do with them?'

He had thought about this. Thoroughly. He knew what his answer would have been before their execution: Lose them in the city after taking what they could from them. Either that or something crude and unhelpful about what he'd do to Riku. 'What, I wonder' does death do to a man?' he asked instead, surprising himself.

Bankotsu huffed. 'You've got the wrong guy for that question. And I don't think Renkotsu is going to be any more helpful.'

'I doubt he understands better than the rest of us,' Jakotsu replied sagely. 'This isn't some boring rebirth, and we aren't undead. We're resurrected. From what and for what purpose we can't begin to guess. All I know is … I lost my fear.'

'Your fear?' Bankotsu shook his head. 'You're the most fearless man I've ever met.'

'Wrong,' Jakotsu whispered. 'I wasn't afraid of death or pain, maybe, but of the hatred thrown my way every day of my adult life. Of rejection that's not just thanks, but no, thanks. You've never had to deal with such absolute repulsion, like I'm not even a person.'

'Well, what did you expect?' Bankotsu answered after a moment. 'You made a huge effort to scare people. I've seen Mukotsu drag off some poor woman to emerge alone with a smile. The only differences between you and him are the sex of the person you choose and that you don't knock them out first.'

'Really, Aniki?' Jakotsu asked, his voice so low it was barely audible. 'Is that what you see when you look at me? A younger Mukotsu?'

Bankotsu shrugged. 'Well, it's what you show the world. You present yourself like the most sadistic rapist, describe in painful detail what you will do to your victims. That said …' He tilted his head. 'I haven't seen it. I used to think you just hid it well, but now I wonder. Was that all talk?'

And there, in the middle of the night, alone with the soul he trusted the most, Jakotsu spoke a truth he had been determined to take to his grave again, his greatest shame. 'I'm not a rapist, Aniki. And not just that. I've never … touched anyone in my life. Not … that way, at least. No-one ever let me and I won't force them.'

'That … Oh.' Bankotsu tilted his head. 'Then why act like it? What's the point of making everyone think you'll do unspeakable things to them while killing them slowly?'

'I needed their fear to outdo mine.' Jakotsu stared straight at the other man, unable to avert his eyes. 'If I'm unlovable, I will be the most frightening creature in the world. The last thing someone would feel was the horror of what I would treat them to. It gave me back all the power they took from me with this endless repulsion.'

Bankotsu nodded, looking dejected. 'Now I feel like an idiot because I should have seen through this. But wouldn't it have been easier to show people you're harmless? Not that you are, but as a lover, you could have been. Assuming you want someone to … well, want you back, yours is a lousy strategy.'

'I'm a freak. The thought of me disgusted everyone I ran into. I believed it's easier if I can control that, and it was, to a point, but … the question always remained. Am I that hideous? Am I the only one in the world who is that broken?'

'Oh, no. No, to all of that.' Bankotsu ran a hand over his face and looked into the deep night again, as if for words that wouldn't come. Jakotsu wanted to walk away. If even Aniki could find nothing kind to say, he was a complete wretch. Someone on a level with Mukotsu, an actual rapist.

But Bankotsu did have something to say. When he continued, he picked his words with care. 'I know you're not the only one who feels that way, Jakotsu, and no-one should have judged you for being you. Like you said, a simple thanks, but no, thanks would have done.' He looked back at him, his expression soft. 'But … If you want to be seen differently, you'll have to change the way you approach people. Stop it with these threats, keep your eyes open and find someone who is kind and gentle with you, and you can return the favour.'

Jakotsu put his elbows on the railing and rested his forehead on his hands. 'But what,' he asked quietly, 'if I no longer know how to be gentle? What if I've turned myself into the monster I pretended to be?' His voice almost broke when he continued. 'What if I really am like Mukotsu?'

'You're not. I wish I hadn't said that.' Bankotsu came closer, pulled Jakotsu upright, and put his hands his shoulders. 'I didn't know. I should have, but I failed to see you under all that talk. I let you down, but I won't do it again. And if you really think you've turned yourself into a monster, somehow? Find someone who can and will fight back.'

'Fight back?' Jakotsu snorted. 'I don't know a lot of people that would be able to best me.'

'I could.' Bankotsu's eyes were boring into his, and he had to force himself to look at something, anything else.

He couldn't go there, couldn't let Aniki go there. A small voice in the deep recesses of his heart tried to challenge this resolve, but the risk was way too high. He couldn't allow it. Not now. Not ever. So he just offered a laugh and pushed past the other man, determined to go to sleep. Then he remembered something. 'I didn't answer your question. What I think of these people here.' He shrugged. 'Are you asking if I expect them to stab us in the back? Then no. But my guess is, not a single person on the ship is human. And the loud one, that Moroha, she looks like Inuyasha. And not just her clothes.'

'She does?' Bankotsu asked. 'Hmm. You think …'

'Daughter. And Towa called her cousin. You know what that makes the other two.'

'If they are who you think, why would they help us?'

'Riku because he's nosy. He said as much, and I believe him. The others … I guess they don't know. Maybe we were never worth talking about.'

'That's an insult if ever there was one.'

'The question is, what will happen if they wise up?'

'We need to talk. All of us.' Bankotsu leaned against the railing and smiled. 'But not tonight. That city that will swallow us easily, it will shield us from their ears as well. We reach it the day after tomorrow. For now, we should stay model passengers. Before landfall, we'll accept Riku's generous offer to take a few items from his armoury. Let's see what a Youkai likes to collect. That will put us in a much better position to make decisions.'

Jakotsu scowled. 'That is all well and good, but I want my sword back.'

'Ah, sweet Jakotsu, I know the feeling. But I think we can forget that. The mountain buried everything quite effectively.'

'It's not fair! I will never get a sword like that again.'

Bankotsu sighed. 'I understand you perfectly. I miss my Banryuu, too. We should try to find a smith that'll craft us replacements. We could ask this Riku person if he has a contact.' He lowered his voice. 'Or maybe I should ask Renkotsu what he can do with better materials.'

'That's a wonderful idea! At least we could trust the source.'

For a moment, Bankotsu looked like he would argue, but then he just nodded. 'You know what? You're right.'

'Great! And now I need sleep. I've got to be awake tomorrow.'

'What for?'

'Eh? Oh, just … It sucks being the only one who can't do something.' This wasn't a satisfying answer, but Jakotsu wasn't ready to talk about this. Not even to Bankotsu. 'Good night, Aniki, and don't fall asleep sitting on the railing if you stay out here. That would be dangerous.'