Chapter Nine: Home for the Holidays
October 31, 2004 - February 14, 2005
"Faithful friends who are dear to us, gather near to us once more. Through the years we all will be together, if the fates allow." - Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas (Blane/Martin)
Sunday, October 31, 2004 - Angela
Bella's costume was basic but effective, a cheap short curly brown haired wig, black thick rimmed prop glasses and the top half of an old brown suit borrowed from Charlie. She wasn't wearing fishnets and high heels, but we found a brown blanket and a press on mustache. I doubted anyone would guess she was Doctor Scott from Rocky Horror, but it was the only character we could think of in a wheelchair. We found out later that Batgirl ended up in a wheelchair, which would've been a much easier costume.
I wanted to dress up with her, but I wasn't sure I was brave enough for Magenta or Columbia, so I went for Janet as she appeared in the first scene of the movie. Unfortunately I ended up looking more like Jackie O, than Janet Weiss. Of course once I thought about it, I realized that was kind of the point. Charlie had pulled out a leather jacket he used to wear in college, and I helped apply a fake scar across his forehead. I had to give him credit for going along with our theme, but I wasn't sure he looked much like Eddie.
We hadn't seen or heard from Alice in a week, but Edward and Rosalie assured me it was deeply personal and she would be back soon. I was tempted to go up and check on her, dropping in was a friend's duty after all. But Edward seemed to anticipate me and warned me away. Combined with the conspicuous absence of Jasper and I had to conclude there was a massive break up of some sort and he moved away. He was technically an adult after all.
"You really shouldn't have gotten this much candy." Bella said over her shoulder to Charlie.
"They always hit this street, and we might as well be generous. I am a public figure after all." He gave a mildly ambivalent shrug.
"I'm fully aware of your minor celebrity status, there was a full page spread about my 'accident' in the Forks paper. Is it really called the Forks Forum?" I nodded to her question. Bella's sarcasm had grown distinctly sharper in the last couple of weeks, but so had her sense of humor. Then there was the weirdness. I hadn't talked to Bella about it yet, but she was the only one I could, because there was something odd going on with the Cullens.
"I'm gonna go pick up the pizza from Vito's." Charlie said as he grabbed his keys and headed out the door. Vito's had no delivery once a year so that they could have a massive party every Halloween, which was weird in one respect, but the owner was rumored to be an actual practicing Pagan so it wasn't outright bizarre. They were open for pick up orders though.
Once the door was closed I moved to lean against the couch and tried to order my thoughts before starting. But I couldn't figure out how to explain what was bugging me. Eventually I sighed. "Something is off with the Cullens."
"You noticed that too. " She said with a worried, but mildly curious tone of voice.
"Just so many things they've said. I think they're gaslighting me." I was feeling a little like it was some kind of elaborate prank. But I didn't get the impression that they had any malicious intent.
"Me too." She pursed her lips, and bit her right cheek before continuing. "So I've noticed a few things, like how Emmett is way too strong and how fast Alice can move at a walk." Bella said with a rather resigned sigh.
"How their eyes change color." I added.
"How cold they are all the time." She expanded, and I had to nod at that one. Their hands were always cold, and even through Alice's cardigan I could feel how cool she was to the touch when we hugged in the hospital.
"You're right, and actually, now that I think about it Alice is also ridiculously athletic. It's impossible for someone that tiny to be that ripped." I thought about other oddities, and one stuck out to me immediately. "Have you noticed when they smile you feel like they're going to eat you." I was starting to get goosebumps, like we were uncovering something big.
"Yes, they all have absolutely perfect teeth, and I cringe when they flash them." Bella actually shivered slightly, as though the thought of that smile was enough to scare her.
"But what does that all mean?" I asked out loud, although I really wasn't asking Bella.
"No idea. It's probably nothing. I mean if there was something strange about them, why would they break their secret for us?" Bella shook her head, the conjecture was one thing. Coming to a conclusion about all of this was something else. Perhaps something that neither of us really wanted to admit. Yet I pressed the issue.
"There is one more thing that you might not have noticed yet." I said seriously, and she stared at me for a few seconds. Maybe debating on whether we should even continue this.
"What's that?" She finally responded after several seconds.
"They don't come out in sunlight." I practically whispered.
"But they go to school everyday… well mostly." Bella argued, but I shook my head.
"There's an exception, you weren't in school long enough to see it. They only show up when it's overcast, if we have a clear day they conveniently disappear. The rumor is their parents pull them out of school for nature hikes and stuff." Most of the student body was jealous of them and how cool their parents were, Jessica always complained the most about it. I never really gave it any mind, but combined with everything else it was starting to feel important.
"They also talk kind of formally, especially Edward." She added, almost reluctantly. I nodded, they were all very polite and spoke more eloquently than most of the teachers in school. I put it all together and came up with one incredibly silly answer, which could only really be brought up on a holiday where creepy and macabre was the order of the day. "So they are fast and strong, cold to the touch and feel dangerous when they flash their teeth. They talk like they are from another time, and their eyes change color, and I think Alice can see things before they happen. Is it just me or does that sound like…" I didn't want to finish the thought, but Bella was already nodding.
"Vampires. Which is absurd, we don't live in a town that has a family of vampires." Bella was almost laughing because of how it sounded out loud.
"Well that, and vampires aren't real." I added, because that was really the problem. All those things taken individually could be written off easily. Yet putting them together, and suddenly there was an answer that not only didn't make sense but it butted up against our definition of reality. Could vampires be real?
"Point. What should we do, it's not like I feel any danger from them." Bella looked to me for an answer, but I shrugged helplessly.
"I trust Alice, Emmett and Rose, and Esme and doctor Cullen are wonderful parents." I admitted it easily. The Cullens had been incredibly gracious and generous with me and I counted Alice and Rose as two of the best friends I'd ever had. They never spoke down to me, they encouraged me and took me into their group so that I wouldn't be alone.
"Edward has more than made up for that first day's weirdness. He even visited me a dozen times last month. All he ever really asked about was what I liked, and what I was interested in. I tried to ask him the same, but he almost always deflected. He did admit he loved music, and after hearing him play I can understand why." Bella was clearly taken with him, which was good in a way. I wasn't sure about Edward yet, but if she was then I could get past my issues with how he treated her that first day. I had to give him credit for last week as well, our duet was a lot of fun. But it brought up another point.
"You know, for someone his age he plays almost perfectly, I think I heard him miss like one note." I said thoughtfully, it was a minor point though and Bella seemed to shrug it off.
"Maybe we should just wait and watch. What's the worst that can happen?" Her question brought up a valid point. Nothing about the Cullens felt threatening, and they seemed to genuinely care about us. So what was the worst that could happen?
"They kill us." I threw it out almost as a joke. Then the doorbell rang. I moved over and opened it only to discover it wasn't a group of kids at the door. Emmett, Rosalie, Edward and Alice were standing there looking like a cast picture from the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Emmett was dressed as a slightly modest version of Rocky, but he was wearing gold lamé short shorts and a see-through gold mesh top with matching suspenders. Rosalie was dolled up as a very impressive looking Magenta. Edward somehow looked creepy as Riff Raff. Lastly, Alice was wrapped up in a long black sequined cloak that had a huge white flared collar, and she had curled her hair tightly, she looked perfect as Frank N. Furter.
"Welcome to the party." I was somewhat confused not only by their presence, but the elaborate effort they put in for costumes.
"You mentioned at lunch on Friday that you wanted to do something involving costumes." Edward said off hand, his voice was droll and a bit sharp, just like Riff Raff. I smiled at the commitment to character.
"Right." I said in agreement, but I was almost positive I hadn't mentioned anything on Friday.
Bella looked at me with a bemused expression, this was yet another instance of the Cullens being weird. Then she frowned, and her eyebrows bunched together and she tensed up. A second later she began to convulse, seizing so hard that she fell from her chair. Edward and Alice were there in a flash, and they crouched over to make sure she didn't hit anything with an arm or her head. Rosalie was at my side, and Emmett was on the phone.
"Carlisle, it's Bella." His deep voice was oddly soothing, and I found myself thinking that everything was going to be okay, until I looked down again and saw my best friend flailing uncontrollably. I turned into Rose's shoulder and began to cry, because I felt utterly helpless.
Thursday, November, 25, 2004 - Bella
"I'm beyond stuffed. The food was great Jezebel." Dad said, patting his stomach. Mrs. Webber gave him a happy smile, and looked around the table as everyone made a half sick and half satisfied face that signaled dinner was over.
"Dessert anyone?" She asked brightly, and everyone groaned.
"Well I'm glad to see everyone is full and happy." Mr. Webber said with an attempt at enthusiasm, he was clutching his stomach as he spoke though so I couldn't be sure. I had been able to get a few bites of each food offering on the table that I wanted to try and that was it. My stomach was already upset to the point where I knew I would be losing most of the meal in about an hour.
"You okay Bella." Mom asked again, she had been watching me all night. I forced a smile and nodded in response.
"I'm good." I said to reinforce the lie. Then turned to the head of the table. "The food was delicious, Mrs. Webber." Much like Angela, they had given me permission to use their first names, Frank and Jezebel but I just couldn't quite do it. Something about it felt like I was breaking an unspoken rule. Dad on the other hand didn't give off that vibe, and Angela and Alice were already calling him Charlie. I couldn't quite understand the disconnect, maybe because Angela's parents seemed more like parents. Which was unfair to Mom and Dad to a degree, but in all honesty Mom was barely a parent and Dad was relatively new at dealing with me on a daily basis.
"You promised to tell us if there is something wrong." Mom said with a note of panic.
"That's right, and do you trust me?" I demanded, staring her down. She nodded quickly. Then as if my body wanted me to be a liar a spike of pain shot up my right side. I gritted my teeth and hid the reaction, but I could tell Dad and Angela noticed. Mom was too busy caring about me to notice when I was actually in pain. Of course it would be hard to tell lately, I was always in pain. The last seizure had hit my system hard and everything, every move, every waking moment was like touching an ungrounded power outlet while soaked in water.
"Next year we will do this at your house." Mrs. Webber said with a big grin. Breaking the tension a bit, and I gave her a thankful glance.
"I would've cooked, but I still haven't mastered kitchen foo in the chair yet." I was deflecting, but I'd learned telling a joke was the easiest way to get people to disarm and focus on the thing you wanted them to focus on. "Next year I'll definitely cook."
"Sounds like a plan then." Mom said a bit too enthusiastically, giving Phil a look. Her plans were clear as day, they were going to be back in Florida by then. Then she glanced at me and gave me a big smile which meant in her mind I was going with them. My mother had been totally overbearing lately, obsessing over taking me to Florida. I had absolutely no intention of leaving my father, he was keeping me grounded. I really didn't want to start over with friendships, and I doubted I would ever find someone as great as Angela to be a best friend. Lastly and perhaps not even a real reason, was my strange relationship with Edward. I knew he was into me, but I couldn't tell what he actually wanted from me. I couldn't be a girlfriend, my body didn't function below the waist.
"Dad, could you help me get up to Angela's room?" I asked, and he nodded. He picked me up easily, which only confirmed the fact I had lost twenty pounds already since the accident. I felt skeletal and now I was facing the fact I had only a month before I had to go back to school and start physical therapy.
Once we were alone, with the 'adults' downstairs having some time to talk amongst themselves, I felt an immediate wave of relief. With Angela, I didn't have to pretend as much. She was concerned, but made no demands on me. She just liked to be in my company, and I loved her for it. She helped me onto the desk chair and pushed me over to her little music corner like usual.
"I've made some progress on that song, but I'm desperate for another writing session with you." She started and I nodded happily before drawing in a quick deep breath and setting my expression into a serious one. She noted the change and sat waiting patiently for whatever I was going to say.
"Angela, can I ask you something before we start?" I asked without any real intonation.
"Anything." Her fast reply was what I needed, I knew she would always provide a shoulder for me to lean on.
"Do you think I have a future, because I can't see it anymore. I see this chair, and pain and a young death, and I've been starting to ask myself, what's the point?" My voice had a touch of panic, which I had been hoping to avoid.
"I don't think you see yourself very clearly. I see someone who is incredibly strong, brave and selfless. You don't want your family to know how much you suffer, like tonight I could see you wince. Although you have gotten very good at faking it, you don't have to hide from me. I'm planning to go to college, and I think you should go with me and get that literature degree. I'll keep working on songs, and then we'll get a place in a city we love and maybe someday we'll meet those special people and start our own families." She had me until that last part, I would never have children of my own. But that wasn't what was bothering me. It was the truth that our time together as friends had an expiration date, when she finally met a guy worthy of her.
But that was the way of things, friends were close until you discovered your own family dynamic. Then the times between getting together grew further and further apart. Until one day you hadn't seen each other in years, and you try to rekindle that friendship only to find that you can never truly go back to that time when you were young. Except I wouldn't make it that long. I might survive to thirty years old, tops. Maybe that was the point, make the best of what I had, and her version of the future did sound appealing.
"Maybe I should ask Alice, she might give me a hint about my future." It was kind of a joke, but Angela didn't find it very funny. "Alright, I said I would drop the whole thing about the Cullens. They've been good friends."
"It isn't that, it's the idea that you would need Alice to tell you about the future. I know you can figure out what you want to do. You have that surgery in February for your arm, when you recover you can write again." She was a good friend, encouraging me when I needed it, but I couldn't shake the feeling that I was right about Alice, that she could see what was coming for me, and I really wanted to ask her about it.
"I've made some progress using that voice software, although it is slower than I used to be able to type." I said as a compromise, it was a positive thing. I had started a very depressing story about a woman who was in a massive car accident and was confined to her house. Only to realize that the guy that moved in next store to her was the one who caused the accident. I hadn't figured out the ending yet, but I was a good fifty pages in and it felt like more than a short story.
"What are you working on?" Angela asked in the same encouraging tone, and I shrugged a little. Since it wasn't my novel I felt a bit ashamed.
"I'm not entirely sure yet, I'll let you read it when it's done." I said vaguely, not really ready to detail the plot.
"I'm looking forward to it." She said genuinely, and I found myself smiling in response. She always made me feel appreciated, how could anyone toss her away as a friend like Lauren and Jessica?
We set about working, and managed to get the song into something approaching finished, and I thought it was catchy. Angela even made me sing, which I did not enjoy but she said my voice was great. I thought it was hyperbole but how could I argue when I was less than objective. I managed to not get sick, but my stomach was very upset when Dad came up to take me home. I hugged mom and Phil goodbye, waved to the Webbers and as we got just out of sight Dad glanced at me with concern.
"How bad?" The two words were unwelcome, it meant he knew I was hiding pain.
"Same as usual, nothing new." I said neutrally, looking out the window instead of looking at him directly.
"We should get you in to see Doctor Cullen, maybe assess your pain management." He was going down a familiar road. Go to the doctor, complain about my increasing discomfort and pain. Except it never actually resolved anything. My life was four walls and a window, I would never play out in the fields again with the other kids. I had accepted that, why hadn't my father?
"I don't think it would be worth going, he'll just say the same thing as usual." I said without looking over. Resigned to my pain, accepting my fate.
"I'm gonna make an appointment, I don't think you've fully recovered from Halloween." He insisted, and I just shrugged in response.
"That's fine. Might as well get it out of the way before I start school again." I said with a note of resignation in my voice, I really didn't want to spend another minute in that hospital.
"About that, I think you should stay out of school for the rest of the year." I had seen him working up to telling me, but I wasn't sure he would ever say it out loud. I'd been worried about school for a hundred reasons, not the least of which was how physically prepared I would be. Yet I couldn't not go, not after everything the school had set aside for me.
"Then I won't graduate next year." I said as if that was enough, but he shook his head determined. "Look, they've already been super accommodating, I don't want to push it by not showing up this semester."
"I just don't think you're physically ready for it." He said clearly unconvinced.
"It's still over a month away. Please let me have this." I begged.
"Alright, but if you relapse." He warned, giving me a serious look.
"Then I'll stay home. I promise." I said with a nod, holding in my sigh of exasperation.
"I'll hold you to that." He sounded a bit relieved that I agreed. The rest of the ride was left in silence, which was fine with me. I went up to my room immediately, and spent hours at my computer writing. My new characters were an overbearing Mother and an overprotective Father.
Saturday, December 25, 2004 - Charlie
I had started to smoke again. Only at night after Bella was up in her room, but it was starting to become a habit. I knew it was a bad choice, but my constant worry and stress over her recovery had started to get to me. Christmas felt like a blessing, a day without obligation. Renee and Phil were coming over, and I was sure Angela would be over at some point as well. But the morning would just be the two of us.
Renee said she wanted to spend some time with her husband, and Angela's family did something in private in the morning before Mass and then her dad made his annual Christmas sermon. It was strange how my perspective had changed. Before Bella and Angela's friendship Frank and Jezebel were my friends and Angela was just their daughter, and I didn't know her very well. Now I knew her better than I knew them, having spent so much time together in waiting rooms. Frank was now Angela's father… It was a weird thing to realize.
It was the first time in ten years I'd missed his sermon, but Bella was not religious and I didn't want to leave her alone on Christmas. The snow had been falling for about a month, and the thick layer of it outside was almost quintessentially Christmas weather. There were flurries blowing in the wind outside, and as I looked out the kitchen window, I found the day was cold and grey.
I made breakfast. I wasn't much of a cook, but I'd been forced to learn the essentials. We couldn't keep ordering pizza while Bella recovered, and running out to the diner every night was starting to take a toll on my wallet and patience, because their service and food quality was wildly inconsistent depending on who was working that day. Bella's new diet made things easy, she couldn't really enjoy most foods anymore and we had to have certain things in the house to make sure she had enough nutrients outside of the vitamin store she took everyday.
But none of that really mattered, it was my first Christmas with Bella since she was a baby. It wouldn't be all day, but that didn't matter. I heard her stirring around, she had a chair upstairs she used to get around between her room and the bathroom, and her primary chair downstairs next to the stair lift. It didn't take her long to get downstairs, the majority of the wait was the lift itself which was designed to be steady and secure.
"Merry Christmas." I said as she came into the dining room to eat. "Coffee is ready and I have halfway decent pancakes coming up."
"Sounds good. Here." I poked my head into the dining room and she was holding out a rectangular box wrapped in elegant blue and white paper shaped in a tessellation of holly leaves. I stared at it for a few seconds, utterly bewildered how she managed to shop for me. "The internet is a vast and wondrous place, where you can find almost anything… unfortunately. I thought you might like something to open on Christmas."
"Thank you, um just a sec." I got the last pancake onto the plate and brought out the tray holding breakfast. It was simple, but I'd manage to not burn the eggs this time.
"Looks edible." She smirked, and I shrugged in spite of myself. She was starting to have the stamina to cook a full meal, but still needed help with some things. Mostly the monitoring and stirring of dishes simmering in pots and pans.
"Do you want your gifts now, or after breakfast?" I asked, not really sure what she liked to do for the holiday.
"Mom never really bothered with holidays, not even my birthday so much. It was kinda weird to have that party in the hospital." She said as she took a bite of pancake. "God, they're really good."
"I try." I grinned, and took a large mouthful myself. I didn't want to toot my own horn, but they were better than the pancakes at the diner. "My mom used to insist on just the basic holidays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years and Easter. She always made sure there was a fabulous meal, and a gift for each member of the house. I know it isn't traditional to do gifts on every holiday, but I always liked it. Christmas was just multiple presents."
"I could be on board with that, I like to get things for people." Bella took a third bite, but as she swallowed she put down her fork and sighed. "You should open yours."
I nodded with a big grin, I hadn't gotten a Christmas present since the last visit to my sister and her family. They lived on the other side of the country, and we barely talked anymore. Ally did call after Bella's accident, but we had really drifted apart after mom died. I picked up the box, and tore open the paper. Inside was a plain white box with a lid, and when I opened it up my breath caught in my throat.
There were three things I loved in life; Bella, fishing and baseball. Inside the box was a signed baseball from my favorite player of all time in a gorgeous glass enclosure with a cherry wood base. I looked up at her in amazement, but she just shrugged.
"Phil had that sitting on a shelf collecting dust. He had run into him at a ballpark in Fresno some random day, and asked for the signature. He only got it because the guy was in the majors, he wasn't a fan like you. So I asked if I could have it, and I've been meaning to give it to you for a while now. The display, however, is the actual present."
"I love it." I said with complete sincerity, and moved over and gave her a big hug.
"Dad, a few weeks ago I wasn't sure. But I'm so happy to be here in Forks, with you. This hasn't exactly been a great few months, but my life is approaching normal-ish, and that is all due to you." I felt myself react, and this time tears did start to pool in the corners of my eyes. I had never expected her to say something like that.
"I just did what you needed to live. I wanted you to have some dignity and self-sufficiency. I would love it if there were some car keys in your presents, but I think we're a ways away from that." I tried to play it off, but she had just given me the greatest gift she could have given, her thanks and love. It was honestly all I needed, but the baseball was some great icing on the cake.
"Yeah, maybe when I get some mobility back in my arm." She didn't even sound disappointed.
"Alright, let me grab the presents." I got up and put on the radio, and as the first few notes of A Christmas Song played and Nat King Cole's voice started to sing I was suddenly five years old again. I had to wipe away the tears starting to form in my eyes, as I gathered Bella's presents.
"Dad, you didn't have to get so much." She was looking at the pile of gifts I had put on the table.
"Yes I did. Especially after hearing you haven't really had a Christmas before." She just grinned, and then she dove into it. I watched her unwrap her presents as I ate the rest of my pancakes and drank my coffee. It was amazing to watch her face light up with every gift, it was the best twenty minutes I could remember. Spending time with my daughter, enjoying her laughter and joy and just living in the moment.
Saturday, January 1, 2005 - Leah
It was the fact that Forks was colder than La Push, that's what was bothering me. Maybe not in temperature, but in the way it felt. It was a typical Pacific Northwest town, and had all the typical trappings. I was still not really feeling social, as the end of childhood was drawing to a close. High-school was over in a few months, and I had no opportunities. Maybe a local job, where the best I could hope for was middle management. College was out of the question, my family was dirt poor and I had no interest in leveraging my future by going into massive debt to go to school. Not that it mattered, my C average pretty much guaranteed I wasn't getting in anywhere anyway.
Charlie Swan opened the door as we pulled up and I caught a glimpse of Bella in her wheelchair just behind him. She waited in the doorway, and as I looked at her I had a flash of her lying in that hospital bed hooked up to all those machines. Our visits up to visit Charlie didn't afford a lot of opportunity to visit with her, but I did peek in on her once. She was still unconscious, and looked all puffy and pale as death. It was a sobering reminder that life was fleeting. Which only sharpened the point on the fact I had no idea what I was going with my own life.
I was admittedly still angry with Sam even after six months. It didn't help that my best friend was a thousand miles away in college. If I hadn't been horrible with school work, I would've graduated with her, maybe I would've done well enough to get into her college. Instead, I let my issues with Sam cause me to fail and repeat my Senior year. Maybe Bella Swan could be a friend. We hardly knew each other, but I had some fond memories of playing together as girls. She was a couple of years younger than me, but was far closer in age than Seth who was still fourteen.
"Harry, Sue. So glad you could make it. Happy New Year!" Mr. Swan said with a big smile and pulled my father into what I could only describe as a brotherly hug.
"I brought the spawn, I hope they don't bother you." Dad said with a deadpan expression. His humor was unique.
"Well my spawn is inside and she's been a little ball of sunshine lately." Charlie said with a mildly sad smirk, he was one of the only other people outside our family that got my Dad.
"Harry." Mom scolded, and he just shrugged at her. Mr. Swan laughed and turned to lead us inside.
"Bella." Dad nodded to her as he entered. "Once you get the manual one, you and Billy should race."
Bella gave him a strange look, then began to laugh. "That would be ridiculous, we should definitely do it."
"Maybe that'll be your start in the special Olympics, I mean you're young enough to begin training." Harry continued, and I had to keep my face straight. He would occasionally go off on these tangents, but I was usually the only one that bothered to humor him. Most people just gave him a strange look and maybe an awkward laugh.
"I'd have to grow new lungs, but that would be kind of amazing. Would you help me train?" Bella said totally seriously, and it kind of made me like her right away.
"Gladly, although I'd probably end up like Mickey, although you might need less work than Rocky. The ole ticker isn't so great." He shrugged, and I could see mom starting to get a little upset.
"Same, I actually had a hole in mine. Just small enough to kill me in my forties or something." Bella threw back, although the edge in her expression had shifted from playful to deadly serious. I could see her anger so very clearly, which was totally understandable. What had happened to her was deeply unfair. I had hardly suffered anything close to what she did, but I could totally commiserate with her pain.
"I'll probably kick it here in a year or two." Dad said with his usual neutral expression, but I knew he was being just as serious as she was. His heart condition was scary, but the medication had given him back so much energy lately, and with a few more months of healing from the last minor heart attack, he could have the bi-pass surgery.
"That's enough." Mom said, looking outright furious. The topic was not something we liked to talk about. Dad nodded once, and leaned in to whisper something in Bella's ear. She couldn't hold in the smile, and actually chuckled a couple of times.
"Bella, this is Leah and Seth, if you don't remember." Dad motioned towards me and Seth who hadn't said anything which was odd for him.
"I remember. Nice to see you guys again. I'm still not quite up to full power, but I made dinner. I hope you guys like lasagna, and if you don't I guess you're shit out of luck." Bella gave a winning smile and motioned towards the small dining room.
"Bella." Mr. Swan said in the same kind of irritated voice that my mother used. Exasperated, with a touch of disappointment.
"Shit is hardly a swear word Dad." Bella gave her father an odd look, and he seemed to back off.
"It smells great." I offered, and she gave me a grateful smile. Then we headed into the dining room. It wasn't the biggest table, but it could just fit the six of us. There was more than just the lasagna on the table, there was garlic bread and a big bowl of fresh looking salad.
"When do you go back to school?" Mom eventually asked Bella.
"Next week, I figured I might as well not fail my Junior year." She said around a mouthful of pasta.
"Are you ready?" Seth asked with a bright smile. "You look way better than Leah said you looked."
"That was months ago Seth, did you think she was still laid up in the hospital?" I said a bit harsher than I intended.
"Well no, but I really don't know how long it would take to heal from something like that." His innocence about the world was both touching and irritating. I didn't want him to lose that, but most of the time I just wanted him to grow up.
"It's okay Leah. I'm still recovering somewhat, but I need to get out of the house. I'm kind of losing my mind cooped up here. I was able to catch up with my classes by doing school work from home, but I don't want to do that for the rest of the year." Her explanation helped, I had been wondering what she was going to do about school.
"I guess homeschooling isn't just for weird hippies anymore." My father said, breaking the conversation. Things stayed polite and kind of quiet throughout the meal, and then Bella excused herself and headed towards the stairs. I wasn't sure I wanted to hang out with my little brother and parents for an hour so I got up too and caught up to her.
"Need any help?" I asked as she made it to the lift on the stairs.
"Nah, it's old hat by now. Although I hope I'll get some more movement when they do the surgery on my arm." She was right, she moved into the lift and secured herself fairly easily, and then I waited as the device moved her up the stairs at a pace just faster than a snail. Once she was at the top I followed her up.
"Mind the company?" I asked as she slid into a much less fancy automatic chair.
"Not at all." She said as she moved into her room and straight to her desk where she fired up her computer. "So what did your brother mean by how I looked?"
"Oh, we came to visit those first few days while you were still unconscious, and I snuck into your room. I shouldn't have, but I kind of needed to see you alive. It's been a shitty year and I just felt like if I could just see you breathing things wouldn't be quite so bad." I really didn't want to explain, and I wanted to get back at my brother for bringing it up in the first place.
"That… I have nothing. Although I bet if we compare shitty years I might win." She said with a shrug.
"Maybe, it's not that important. I'm just fed up with my life right now and I really don't know what I'm going to do when I graduate." I admitted somewhat unexpectedly, I didn't know why I had even said it.
"Tell me about it. I got another year, and if it weren't for my friends I would be dreading it right now." She shook her head, and turned to look out the back window.
"I was close to Rachel and Rebecca but they both graduated last year and moved away." I managed to keep the jealousy out of my voice, I missed my friends and there really wasn't anyone my age left that I wanted to interact with anymore. They had all moved away or started college. School was with a bunch of kids who were all younger than me, and I had trouble connecting with anyone.
"I can imagine it was hard for them after their mom died." It wasn't a question exactly, but I nodded anyway.
"It's been a few years now, but yeah they never really recovered. It was probably made worse by the fact they both look exactly like their mother, so just being together must've been a constant reminder of what they had lost." It wasn't like either of them had said as much, but I knew them both well enough to know the truth. Rebecca's marriage and Rachel's school choice were excuses to get away.
"Aren't we a picture of sunshine and daffodils?" She said with a smirk, shaking her head. I managed a small chuckle.
"I haven't been able to bring myself to smile for months now. God it's been almost eight since Sam and Emily." I widened my eyes and shrugged. I hadn't quite internalized how much time it had been since that last party at the end of school last year.
"Do you mind, I heard a little bit of the story, but what actually happened?" Her curiosity was understandable, but the fact she had heard some of what happened was a little upsetting. I guess my dad had mentioned it to Mr. Swan.
"I don't mind, but honestly I still don't really know. Sam broke up with me randomly, after saying he loved me at a party no less. Then I found out the next day he went home with my cousin who had been down visiting with me. Sam hurt, but Emily was a fucking betrayal." It was still a mystery, but I wasn't sure I even cared anymore.
"Do you think you could ever forgive her?" I nodded at the question, but frowned in response.
"I already have, after she got hurt it just didn't make sense to hold the grudge anymore. Sorry I didn't come up here to unload on you." She didn't seem to mind, and I didn't have an outlet right now to talk to anyone but was it right to harp on my problems when I was sitting next to someone who almost died a few months ago.
"So why did you come up here?" She tilted her head slightly in curiosity. I shrugged, because I honestly wasn't entirely sure myself.
"Because you looked sad, and I thought you might like to talk. I can't really understand what you're going through, but I'm a decent listener. Plus I'm basically a stranger, and it's always easier to talk to someone who isn't all that connected with you." I answered after a short pause to think.
"I'm not doing great to be honest. My family and friends are trying to help, but they don't realize what I'm really going through right now." She said after her own pause to consider my offer.
"Care to explain?" I replied easily, this was something I could do. Listen. I hated talking about myself.
"Pain. It's like I have a tiger walking on my back every day with claws extended. The pills dull it somewhat, but they make me fuzzy. So I have to pull back on the medicine, but then the pain gets to be so bad that I can't stand it another moment so I end up taking more than I need and passing out. The next morning it is almost impossible to wake up to an alarm, and I'm trying to get on a schedule for school, but I don't know if I'll actually be able to go, I feel like I'm in prison, and the only thing I did wrong was come to this dreary fucking town." She let out a deep breath when she finally got it all out, and then her eyes fell before looking up at me.
I lowered my eyes, and tried to think of some kind of response. But I couldn't think of anything meaningful. Eventually I stood and walked to the door, and I looked back to say something, anything. She looked up at me for a few seconds before turning to her computer, and like a coward I escaped downstairs. On the drive back home I realized what I wanted to say, but it was too late. All I could do was wish her peace, and hope that someday she would no longer have to suffer.
Friday, January 20, 2005 - Bella
It was a weird day at school, with Alice taking another personal day and Edward oddly absent. I wasn't feeling very social. The last thing I expected was Rosalie to sidle up to me after final period class when I was on my way to the parking lot.
"Would you like to do something with me this afternoon?" The question came out of the blue and I took it negatively.
"Is this some kind of pity party?" I threw at her, feeling tired and twisted from the newest round of drugs they had me on.
"Hardly, we just haven't spent much time together since that trip to LA and we're both alone for the first time in a while. " She explained easily, and I suddenly felt like an ass.
"Oh, sorry." I frowned at my mistake, and tried to smile but I knew it came out a little forced. She didn't seem to mind, and gave me a happy smile in return. "Actually, come to think of it, where is everyone today?"
"Alice is having a hard time lately since Jasper left, Edward and Emmett went out of town for an errand for mom, and my parents took a long weekend for some alone time." She rattled things off like she had rehearsed them, but it did bring up a question I had been stewing on, what had happened to Jasper. Rose was his sister, she had to know why he was gone.
"Where is Jasper, does he at least keep in contact with you?" The question came out a bit more demanding than I intended, and she examined my face critically for a few seconds before responding.
"He has been struggling with addiction for most of his life and it just got the better of him, he ran off with a couple of his oldest friends from before his time with Carlisle and Esme. It was sudden, and disappointing. I… We tried to help, but ultimately it was his choice." She was looking at me, but not at me and she seemed a bit distant as she spoke. I could tell she cared about him, but there was a level of disconnection that made his situation almost more painful. Because it meant she had given up on him.
"Sorry, that has to be impossible, not being able to help your twin." I could commiserate, sympathize, but never truly understand her pain.
"I try not to think about him out there, or how much Alice is in pain. They've been together so long, it feels like decades." She let a wry smile curl her perfect lips, and I was suddenly reminded how much I liked her. Not just her unbelievable appearance, but everything about her, which was far too long to list even in my head.
"So, Angela is looking after her brothers this afternoon, so it would just be us." I decided a change of subjects was the only way to continue.
"Yes, I knew that. Speaking of Angela, she finally told me about that short story of yours that she read. It sounded lovely, and while I would love to read it sometime, I urge you to keep writing. Anyway, I thought we could do anything you want." It was strange the way she phrased it, like a teacher trying to push her student to be better or continue something promising. Which was just another clue to her nature as something other. Maybe we were right, and they were all vampires, which made me wonder if her joke about decades was real.
"Trip to Paris?" I tried to joke, and her eyes just went wide and for a split second a happy smile brightened her entire face.
Then her brilliant expression fell, "I would love it, but Alice would never forgive me."
"No she wouldn't, and neither would Angela. I mean, I'd never tell anyone but it would probably take all weekend and Dad would be so angry." I grumbled, suddenly wishing I could just drop everything and abandon my promises and obligations. I wanted nothing more than to run off with her, and maybe try and seduce her… which was the stupidest thought that had ever crossed my mind. There was no way she would ever look at me like that, it was even more impossible than Edward and his weird fixation on me.
"If you don't need to be back tonight we could head into Seattle, there's a ton to do there." I desperately wanted to say yes, but again I felt like I would be betraying a promise to Angela.
"Not without Angela, we had made plans to go there before the accident." I made a face, and tried not to show my disappointment. I didn't want to resent Angela in any way, but at that moment I was very much resenting my promise.
"Hmmm, okay let's go to my house and I'll make you dinner and we can watch something silly." Her expression was open and her voice had a twinge of excitement and anticipation, and the suggestion sounded like fun, and oddly intimate with it just being the two of us.
I reacted without thinking, "that sounds like a date." The moment it was out of my mouth I knew it was a mistake, and a bad joke at that. Yet she laughed, but not in a mocking or dismissive way. Her expression was strange, and while there was a bit of awkwardness to her expression, there was something else that made me curious how she was feeling. It was momentary though, and soon I felt a bit unsure of whether I was up to spending time away from home. "Actually, I'm not sure. I'm still feeling rough, and Dad has been super overprotective."
"I can't blame him." She said sternly, her voice and expression hardening. For some reason it made me a little defensive, because it felt like she was upset with my father.
"He hasn't done anything wrong." I snapped.
"Who?" She asked, clearly confused, who I meant, which made me wonder if I was supposed to be angry at someone else.
"My father, you sounded pissed at him." I clarified, and she immediately shook her head.
"Oh, no. Your father is wonderful, I have nothing but praise for everything he has done for you. His actions have proven again and again that he loves you first, and that means everything. I'm pissed at someone else." She managed to not sound effusive, just grateful, and I had no idea how to take what she said.
"Sorry, I just didn't… sorry." It was my turn to feel confused, and apologizing was all I could think to say.
"You have nothing to apologize for, none of this is your fault. Maybe you're right, perhaps this isn't a great idea." She furrowed her brow, and examined my face again searching for something.
"Or you're right and I need to get out." I responded thinking I did want to spend time with her.
She tilted her head and nodded once, "then I leave it to you." Again I couldn't read her expression, except for how open she seemed to accept whatever I wanted to do. It just made me feel that same old inadequacy, unable to fathom why any of the Cullens liked me at all, or Angela for that matter. I felt like a lost cause most of the time.
"I just don't know why you would want to spend time with me." I knew immediately I shouldn't have said the words that echoed through my brain daily. I had always had self-image problems, which had been exasperated by the accident. It was why I struggled with accepting anything offered to me in kindness.
"Isn't that my concern?" She sounded fairly indignant, as if I was judging her for expressing an interest in me.
"I suppose, just curious." I said, attempting to walk it back a bit.
"I meant what I said at the hospital." Her expression softened and her voice was full of an emotion that I couldn't quite place. We had spoken a few times at the hospital, and I tried to remember what she was talking about, when I realized she meant the promises she made on my birthday.
"Which part, teaching me to be a mechanic or the crazy trip up to Alaska?" I guessed.
"Not exactly, although I thought we could nail down some plans tonight, maybe set a date for the trip in the summer and maybe a tentative start of lessons for sometime after the surgery on your arm." She seemed a bit disappointed with something, like I hadn't remembered the right thing. But I pushed that away, and threw out some basic information about my immediate future that I was pretty secure about revealing.
"Maybe in April or May I might have good use of my arm if things go well which would allow us to do the car thing. July or August I'll probably have enough strength for a longer trip if we're going to drive." I rattled off, wondering if all that was really going to happen.
"Well, I guess we don't need much time to plan then." She let out a weak hollow laugh, and then opened her mouth to say something else but stopped for some reason, then we stared at each other awkwardly.
"I know you don't eat much, and I can't imagine spending the evening watching a dumb movie is your idea of fun." I started to hedge, trying to back out.
"Perhaps, but that isn't the point." She said as she met my eyes, giving me an oddly intense look.
"What is the point?" I asked, unable to fathom what she meant, and she smiled wryly and shook her head once.
"Spending time with you. I thought that was evident." She made a small clicking sound with her tongue, and her disappointment in my lack of self-confidence was clear.
"I…" Was feeling very overwhelmed, my emotions playing havoc on my insides and suddenly I was very very nervous. "Excuse me." I made for the bathroom, as I felt my stomach start to turn. I hadn't even realized she had followed me in until I found her helping me out of my chair, and held back my hair as I lost the small amount of food in my stomach.
After I was done I sat back against the wall, the coolness of the brick against my back felt calming, despite this overwhelming sinking feeling like I was nothing more than a broken doll. Rose was crouched down beside me, her expression was hard to read. "I guess tonight doesn't work."
"Yeah. Thank you though, and I'll let you know when I can do the whole hanging out and car thing." I tried to smile, but I couldn't make my mouth twist so unnaturally.
"Sounds good." She gave me a warm smile, then helped me back into my chair. She stepped aside to let me pass her, and then quietly left towards the bathroom exit without another word. She did look back once, and I had no idea how to interpret the look she gave me. I washed my face, but couldn't even see my reflection because the mirror was too high. I wanted to hit something, I felt like everything was just out of my reach. Eventually I made my way outside, only to find my father wandering the halls in search of me.
"Where were you?" He demanded worriedly, but I shrugged, not feeling like explaining everything.
"Bathroom, you know how it is." I gave him a look and he nodded knowingly.
"Yeah, you ready?" He forced a smile, although I could see the sympathy in his eyes. Or maybe it was a form of pity? Most days I wasn't sure which was worse.
"Sure." I said with a nod, looking down the hallway to see if I could catch a glimpse of Rosalie leaving the school. All the way at the end I could see her, and she paused to look back at me and for a split second we locked eyes before she broke the contact and pushed her way through the doors. The heavy fire door slamming shut on whatever that night might have been.
Monday, February 14, 2005 - Bella
The restaurant was as far away from Forks as I had been in months, since the trip to Los Angeles. It was a nice drive, but Edward was oddly quiet as we sped along the darkened highway. It was a full ten minutes before either of us spoke.
"I'm feeling very awkward." He admitted after a while, and it actually broke the ice making me relax a little.
"We're going out on a date. It's weird, I mean I've been friends with your family for half a year now, and to be honest I don't know much about you." It was something I wanted to rectify, he spent most of his visits to the hospital asking about me.
"Ask away." He said with a sweep of his head.
"Really?" I replied excitedly, my eyebrows shooting up and a big happy smile spreading across my face.
"Yes, I'm an almost open book. I have a feeling you know what questions to avoid." That deflated me some, but I was pretty sure he meant the stuff about why his family was different. It was annoying to be still in the dark, but I understood that it was a closely guarded secret that he wasn't just going to blurt out to me.
"Huh, well okay. Where did you learn to play piano like that?" It was the first thing that came to mind, although I missed the opportunity to reply in kind to the first question he had asked me.
He actually paused before answering, eventually giving a small shrug. "Practice, and I suppose a bit of talent. I learned initially from my father before he died." That got my attention, I actually wanted to know about his first family, all of them being adopted had a certain mystery that I wanted to unravel.
"What was he like?" I pushed, and again he paused.
"My father was not a good man, he was strict and bigoted. He was deeply entrenched in his values and traditions, and was a harsh disciplinarian. My older sister… I don't want to bore you with details." He had stopped just when it was getting interesting, and I shook my head to urge him to continue.
"Not at all, your past is fascinating. Please, keep going." I encouraged, and he nodded a couple of times.
"She ran away when she was only fifteen." He sounded deeply sad, and it made me wonder what happened to her.
"Are you still in touch?" I said hopefully. His breath caught, and I could see his teeth clench. There was something to this story that I wasn't about to get tonight, I could feel it.
"No, she's gone." He said without elaboration, and his tone made it clear he didn't want to talk about it further. I thought about pushing again for more information, but decided against it.
"So, the only good thing your father did was teach you the piano?" The question made him smirk, and he gently shook his head a couple of times.
"He had some other virtues, but yes, that was the only lasting thing he gave me." Edward seemed to sigh slightly, then turned to me as if he were ready for the next question.
"Could you teach me to play?" I asked enthusiastically, because the piano was something I might actually be able to learn, if my next surgery went well.
"In practice, yes, but I don't have a lot of patience for teaching. Unlike Rosalie, she actually loves… would love to be a teacher one day." I wasn't sure if the slip was intentional, but the implication was clear. Rosalie had been a teacher at some point, and it was something she enjoyed. It made me reconsider her offer to show me how to fix cars.
"So what is your favorite color?" I said playfully, deciding to ignore the information about Rosalie. Another checkmark in the increasingly long list of questions that would someday need an answer.
"Blue." He said simply. It was frustratingly vague, despite answering the question.
"Just blue? Not sky blue, or sapphire, or navy blue?" It sounded somewhat pedantic to know the exact hue he liked the best, but I just wanted to get one clear answer out of him.
"All the shades. It reminds me of my mother and my sister." He sounded almost haunted, and it dawned on me how much he had lost. His entire family was gone, including his sister. No wonder he was so brooding all the time.
"How so?" I asked, hoping he would give me at least that much.
"They always wore blue, partially because my father preferred it, but also because the color suited them. Their coloring was a bit like yours, although to be clear you do not remind me of either my mother nor my sister." His careful clarification made me wonder if the opposite were true.
"Do I remind you of anyone?" I asked, randomly bringing out a chuckle from him. He turned to look at me fully and answered through a big smile.
"Marion Goodman." He said the name as if it meant something.
"Marion Goodman?" I parroted because I honestly had no idea what to think about his answer.
He continued through a lopsided grin. "She was an incredible teacher, I had a class with her when I was younger. She was funny, and always gave every student as much time as she could offer."
"I never thought about teaching." I thought out loud, and he glanced at me with a small head bob.
"You're a writer, that usually is more of a solitary endeavor. That makes me think you are more introverted, which would not lend itself to teaching. You have to be a performer to teach effectively, to convey information in a way that is entertaining. It has always escaped me how to do it well. Speaking of writing, when are you going to let me read one of your stories?" I wasn't sure if it was meant to be complimentary, but he didn't make it sound negative.
"When I have one worth reading." I said trying to deflect, having him read my stuff was far too scary to contemplate.
"Angela says you do, and I believe her." He countered easily, and it made me want to smack her for betraying me like that. Of course she was just talking me up, but it still made me grumpy for some stupid reason.
"She exaggerates, but I'll think about it." I said waving it off, but he seemed to take that as a promise and gave me a grateful smile.
"Thank you. You know I do keep a journal but I've never attempted creative writing." Another little tidbit about him and it was a good one, because it immediately peaked my interest.
"You keep a diary?" I asked enthusiastically.
"Journal." He corrected with a half frown.
"You're such a guy." I actually rolled my eyes. "Okay journal, how long have you been doing those?"
"Since I was taken in by Carlisle and Esme." The answer was a bit surprising, because that meant he only kept a chronicle of his life once it changed completely. I wondered if that meant his life before they adopted him was beginning to fade away.
"How old were you when they adopted you?" It was a pointed question, and I expected an evasion.
"It feels like forever. I was pretty young." His answer was just as non-specific as I expected, and I didn't push back. It was clear there was no point.
"I'm sorry about your parents." That got his attention and he immediately looked at me and began to shake his head.
"It's okay, it happened a long time ago." He clearly didn't want me feeling sorry for him, and I couldn't guess why. Maybe pride, or something I couldn't understand.
"Okay, well do you like anything other than music and journaling?" I asked, trying to restart the questions, but he just smiled again and this time leveled me with a deeply sexy smile that took my breath away.
"I like you." He looked at me fully for a second before his eyes returned to the road. I began to blush a bright red and turned to look out the window. I wasn't sure how to respond, or even what to say if I did. Say I liked him too, just felt small and insignificant. So we sat in awkward silence the rest of the drive. He was a perfect gentleman and helped me into my chair and then managed to get us up into the restaurant without any issues. My dad, who was half again as big as Edward, had trouble navigating sidewalks and stairs on occasion.
The hostess was polite, but looked at Edward with obvious interest, and gave me a small look of pity masked behind a false smile. She took one chair away from our table as Edward sat opposite from me and then we were alone for a few minutes before the waitress arrived. I was feeling even more awkward finally sitting across from him on an official date. What was foremost in my mind was the question, and I found I no longer had the patience to resist asking.
"Why?" I asked, hoping to understand his reasons for asking me out.
"Why what?" He actually looked confused.
"Don't be dense, why am I here?" I said with a bit of defensive hostility.
"Because I think you are a remarkable, intelligent, witty and beautiful woman. I was attracted to you before the accident, despite my strange behavior. Now, having witnessed your grace and perseverance I cannot hold back my affections any longer." The answer left me completely befuddled and overwhelmed. He genuinely liked me, not because of my disability or even in spite of it, but because it was totally irrelevant to his feelings.
"I like you too." Was all I could think to say. We went on like that throughout dinner, and before I knew it we were back in front of my house. I looked at him expectantly, hoping for a first move. Except instead he got out and helped me into my chair, then walked me to the door and pulled me up the three steps into the house. I turned to him, knowing my father was watching and felt like I was never going to get what I wanted from him. Then Edward leaned down and I closed my eyes hoping he was going in for a kiss, instead he gave me a peck on the cheek.
"Goodnight Bella, we need to do this again soon." He whispered and then was gone. I watched him drive away and barely noticed when Dad opened the door behind me.
"Don't say it." I warned, and moved into the house and directly upstairs. It took an agonizing amount of time to get ready and into my bed, but once I was there I felt the tears begin and they didn't stop until I fell asleep.
Author's Note:
The Jan 20th section of this chapter was added to flesh out the Bella/Rosalie relationship. There is another scene in the next chapter (A Hard and Winding Road) that continues this theme.