Metanoia
Noun: the journey of changing your mind, heart, self, and way of life.
Letting go of his hatred was an agonizingly leisured process. Harder than he initially anticipated. The firm clutch that darkness had on his heart was almost unrelenting. At its worst, he would wonder when its tenure over his life would end or if he should end it himself. If that kind of freedom even existed or if it was possible—but eventually, eventually, it's hold slowly (painfully slow) released. The darkness clothing his soul lifted like a fog come morning light, its residue leaving a bitter taste in his heart.
Few were the people who experienced the depths of hatred and lived to tell the tale. So, there was no one that could have warned Sasuke about the hollowly emptiness that followed its vacancy. It was almost worse than darkness and hatred itself. It was the child of despair and hopelessness, borne to be more appalling than its predecessors. He reckoned at odd sleepless hours how no one could ever understand how miraculous it was that he was still here, still breathing. Alive in a sense.
Peaceful sleep for him had been impossible for years. Unbearable now that the warm darkness that comforted him when he awoke was gone—the planning and scheming that would accompany after was no longer. He was left to shudder in the cold and wonder about a thousand things. Wondering was such an excruciating pastime; one he avoided every chance he could. Sasuke would be reduced to tears at its ultimate form.
Tears were a new commodity for him too. He barely allowed himself to grieve in the past—other than screaming and raging, which he sometimes found himself doing when he woke up from night terrors. No, this was certainly a novelty. Sasuke supposed it had all been building up inside him somewhere and it was just waiting for the right opportunity to find escape. It seemed like now was the perfect time since everything was over.
Time was his most treasured ally. The one responsible for his deepest wounds finding solace, for them painstakingly knitting themselves together, close. Measuredly, he started letting go, finding some semblance of peace, even if obtaining it at its entirety was not a real option. Eventually he was fine with living, with breathing, with waking up every morning, with being the only one of his kind.
Sasuke forced himself to focus on the present as to not go hit rock bottom again. He was very doubtful of a second recovery, so he fixated on that. And so, he found comfort in just being a solitary floating spec in a vast universe of relativity. Concentrated on his journey of redemption. Of rightening all his wrongs. Of erasing all the destruction he'd caused, of stopping where he was needed.
And it seemed he was needed almost everywhere he went. Either to build bridges or houses. Getting medicine, resources, and essentials. Of escorting distinguish people out to a safer place. Of fighting bandits and looters from defenseless villages. He didn't stay in one place for an extended period of time, the Countries were far too big, and his help couldn't be limited to one place in particular, so once he knew those he helped were stable enough, he kept on moving. A nomad, they called him once.
Rarely would he be called on special missions or assignments. If he ever was, he tried to make haste of the situation so he could continue with his work amongst the Countries. He found fulfillment in that more than any other thing. There was also the fact that, although he had somewhat accepted the events that molded his poor decision making in the past, he was still ashamed of their outcome and everything he did. Of the suffering he willingly or unwillingly caused. He knew not everyone was as accepting as his friends (even he had trouble accepting himself sometimes), that's why he avoided going to the village as much as he could.
Yet now, after the catastrophic near world ending events of six months ago, Sasuke found himself in the Leaf again, standing inside the Hokage's office to be exact.
Sasuke had arrived before dawn, eager to get whatever it was out of the way. The sooner he was done with it, the sooner he could return to his wanderings.
"It's good to see you again," Kakashi said in a tired, bored voice as soon as he saw his shadow on the hallway. Sasuke wondered if he got to go to his home last night. By the disheveled way he looked, it didn't seem like it. "Last time you were here, you were in and out so quick, I didn't even have a chance to say hello."
Sasuke didn't want to bite on this obvious goading, but it was early in the morning, and he was tired too. "Apologies, Hokage. I was too busy saving the village to think of a greeting."
"Clever as ever, I see."
They stared at each other, a secrete challenge between the two of them. Who could budge first, it seemed like. After a minute or two Sasuke sighed and gave in, "What do you need from me?"
Kakashi cut down to the chase, leaning back in his chair and stretching his arms. Yawned. "I need you to escort the most important person in this village to a place where they are needed. You will serve as a bodyguard of sorts."
"Where are you going?" Sasuke inquired, knowing how pointless him being there was. There were other people in this village who could do this job. "And why isn't Naruto qualified to do it?"
"You're not here often, so you might not know that he got married and is currently in his honeymoon. Although, I'm sure he must have sent you an invite." Sasuke tried very hard not to roll his eyes, something that only seemed to amuse his former sensei. Now said sensei slumped in his chair, smug. "I'm flattered that you consider me to be the most important person in the Leaf. But I'm not. At least, I don't think so."
Sasuke thought about walking out. He didn't need to put up with this, not really. He knew Kakashi would get irritated at his long absences from the village, something about facing the future and possibly being targeted, but this was absurd. Even Naruto stopped bothering him after a while. He didn't need to be watched over like someone on the verge of a breakdown—even if their reasoning was well founded.
"I would think you regard this person with as much high standards as me." Kakashi's voice sounded restrained, like he was holding back a laugh.
Before Sasuke could even fathom the Hokage's words someone knocked on the door.
"Come in, we're expecting you."
Sakura's emerald eyes widened in surprised as soon as she saw him standing there. The feeling was mutual. He just felt like he was punched in the stomach. To escape her curious gaze, he turned to Kakashi and asked, "Two bodyguards?"
"No, just one," he answered as his hand moved in an elaborating way. "Sakura is our most indispensable asset and, aside from Naruto, one of the most important people in the village. Countless lives are saved everyday thanks to her, you know. And now, somebody else needs her, another important somebody. The niece of the Village Hidden in the Mist Mizukage to be exact."
Sakura stepped forward, confused. "Although I am happy to see Sasuke here, I have to ask, Kakashi. What happened with Lee? I thought he was the one who was going to escort me."
Sasuke was still processing the fact that the Mizukage had a niece he didn't know about to grasp why she would ask after Might Guy's green jumpsuit wearing protege.
Kakashi chuckled. "You know the answer to that, Sakura. Don't act too surprised. It hasn't even been a month since you broke that poor guy's heart."
Sakura pressed her lips together in frustration, her cheeks slightly turning red. Sasuke stared at the whole interaction puzzled, like he was an intruder that happened to be listening in. He had been away so long he wasn't sure if it was okay for him to ask about it outright, if he was still considered a closed enough friend to be owed an explanation.
Sasuke settled for clearing his throat and asking, "So, um, what's the rundown?"
Kakashi flickered his eyes to him and nodded, quickly explaining that the Mizukage's niece had been poisoned as an assassination attempt against his family. A few of them had been targeted for a while by an underground group that were against the Mizukage's leadership and what they considered a premature succession, but it had been otherwise unsuccessful until now. Though they were able to get most of the poison out, some small residue was still in the young girl's bloodstream and her body was slowly shutting down. All the medical-nin of the Village Hidden in the Mist were able to do was keep the side effects at bay.
Word had reached the Leaf a week ago, a personal messenger from Mizukage Chojuro had arrive requesting aid, breathless as he traveled nonstop until he got to the village, and since then Sakura had been working on an antidote. Only two days ago was she able to concoct one successfully. And so, Kakashi concluded somberly, the mission was simple—get the antidote to the Village Hidden in the Mist and save the 13-year-old girl. If not, there might be national incident on their hands. The last thing they wanted right now was a disruption in this new era of peace. There were a lot of groups and organizations that were waiting for an opportunity like this one to create chaos. Another reason why only a selected few knew of this mission and of the Mizukage's niece predicament.
"You might run into trouble on your way there and even when you get there, you might still be targeted," Kakashi explicated—seeming to direct his words at Sasuke, the sceptic. "Though I have no doubts Sakura is strong enough to take care of herself, I am sure she can't heal and defend herself at the same time. We've kept our involvement under wraps so your arrival should go unnoticed. Yet, we can never be too sure, so you must be alert at all times. Any questions?"
Sasuke snuck a glimpse at Sakura, who seemed to be still angry at Kakashi's earlier words. She must have sensed him staring because she turned to him and offered a tight smile. Sasuke nodded at her and then shook his head at Kakashi.
"We're all set," Sakura assured the Hokage.
With a final word of luck, Sasuke and Sakura were off.
Sasuke was still amazed at the progression of time (and time in general, what a strange concept). How few things remained stable over the years, a welcoming sameness, and how other things changed so much they were undistinguishable. As they made their way through the Land of Fire, off to the coast, all his thoughts were plagued with how bizarre that was. How the girl—no, woman now—running besides him was the same outwardly, but inwardly…Well, when he was younger and even in his adolescence, when he was far from them, miles, and miles away from her, he was sure he knew her. Could still read the thoughts behind her eyes. Some things never changed, or so he had thought.
But he guessed he was wrong about that (and many other things).
There was something eating away at Sakura, painting her features in sadness, frustration, dejection? He couldn't decide which, but Sasuke didn't need to live in the village to know that the scene at the gate before they left, the one with her and Lee, had something to do with it. That there was more to it than the naked eye could see.
Aside from a brief conversation, a quick hello and catch up as they left the Hokage's office, they remained quiet, focusing their energy on getting to the coast, where a ship waited to take them to the Land of Mist. They would have to stop during the night to rest for a few hours before continuing. Maybe then they would catch up more formally, maybe she would open up to him.
Sasuke was just being hopeful. Of course, after all this time, Sakura did not owe anything to him. Certainly, not explanations. Their former comradery and friendship didn't have to stand the test of time for the sake of it. Yes, he would send letters here and there (to everyone, not just her) but they were sparce and few in between. Vague and short. He hadn't even open up about himself, so he didn't expect her to do the same. Not when there wasn't that common ground.
Sasuke was also afraid of opening his mouth and making their frail almost none-existent relationship worse. He was never good with words or actions if his past was any indication… Who knew what might happen if he did now?
Before nightfall, they made various stops to stretch their legs and drink some water. Luckily Sakura was nice enough to fill the silence with chatter. She must have sensed the oddness of their encounter earlier, she was always more socially aware than he was, and he was glad that she did. Otherwise, Sasuke didn't know what he would say or do.
On their first five-minute break, she scrutinized him with a furrow on her pale pink brows. One that made him slightly nervous as she openly gawked. Sasuke was just about to ask her what the matter was when she blurted, "When did you get taller?"
"Ah," Sasuke sighed, easing up a bit. He shrugged as he looked down at himself. Was he taller? "I don't know."
Sakura still ogled him with solemn interest. He could practically see his reflection in her crystal orbs, feel a flush on his face from all her undivided attention, as she pondered over some feature more than others.
"You look so much older," she whispered sadly, seriously.
Sasuke took the opportunity to gauge at her back, thinking it was a good time as any to do so without tipping his hand. He understood the bitterness in her voice. He wished he watched her grow up too, wished he was there. Wished he could have brought himself to stay.
As his black eyes roamed over her, he couldn't help thinking that she looked like she always did, a comforting feeling if it weren't for the fact that she was simultaneously different somehow. Different in the same way the sun rose and fell every day at a consistent pace. Her strange pink hair looked shinier, falling perfectly into place, framing her oval face. Making him wonder if it was always like that. Her cheeks and jaw outgrew the plumpness of youth and were now sharp and mature. Her eyes enduringly cunning and big and the color of a smooth jade. Her body willowy and slim, strong Sasuke could tell.
"You look…wiser," he managed to say after he cleared his throat.
"I would hope so," she smiled, her hand patting the bag she carried on herself, the one with the antidote, her mind distracted again.
On their second stop, Sakura told him that she wanted to look at his arm—or better said, his stump of an arm. She chided him for not stopping by the village so she could see to his recovery process and all he could do was nod. Sasuke knew she was right. After the surgery and that initial appointment, he never came back for a follow-up. To his defense, he never had a reason to, he never had any complications or strange symptoms to warrant worry.
On their third stop, upon watching her shake her empty bottle in frustration, he offered her his. Without hesitation she took it and after a long gulping breathless swing said, "I think we should train some. You know, so we can be in synch in case we need to face someone."
Sasuke blinked, surprised at how the mere fact delighted him. Sakura took this as a skeptical look.
"Not that we aren't in synch. It's just been years since we've trained together like a team. What if I plan to strike left and you decide to do the same thing? I wouldn't want to hurt you."
Sasuke was pretty sure he heard her say under her breath, "Or break you."
He tried to downplay his excitement with an unconvinced tsk. "I doubt you could do that."
She shrugged as handed him an empty bottle. Sasuke wanted to tell her something about that but kept the snarky remark to himself.
It was about nine when they decided to make camp. They debated whether to make a fire or not, but since they weren't going to stay for too long, they decided it was worth the risk. They didn't bother with tents either, it was going to be a hassle to put up and take down. If they needed to get out in a rush, that would just be an unforeseen problem.
Once they settled their bedrolls and determined who was going to have first watch, they ate in silence. Sakura stared at the fire as she ate a rice ball, tranced by the flickering flames—the bag with the antidote still slung over her shoulders. Sasuke watched all of this with worry and intrigue. He imaged she was still thinking about Kakashi's earlier words and… Rock Lee. About him calling her over before she left, about his hand on her shoulders and how they slid down to her hands intimately, almost like he was tracing a path, how they gripped them with fierce gentleness (did she like that?). How she politely removed them from hers and told him something. How Rock Lee's eyes flickered to him while she talked. His eyes were still on Sasuke when he asked her something. Sakura had turned and locked eyes with him woefully from a far and shook her head, reassured the Green Beast of something, and walked away.
Sasuke wondered if that was what had her so distracted, if she was thinking about it as much as he was.
"Are you alright, Sakura?" he made himself ask.
Sakura jumped back into her skin and smiled. "I am. Why do you ask?"
Sasuke tried to analyze all of her micro-expressions. The way she bit her lip and the way her whole being seemed to fidget like a hummingbird. "You seemed troubled."
Instead of denying it like he thought she would, she just took a final bite of her rice ball and between chews said, "I just have a lot on my mind."
"If you feel comfortable, you can talk about it with me," Sasuke offered, feeling his palm sweat as he said the words, though he didn't understand why.
Sakura's face fell completely, her eyes turning glassy. Then the same fake smile resurfaced. "Can I look at your arm?"
"Right now?" he asked, feeling like the question came out of nowhere.
"Please," she insisted.
Before Sasuke could agree, Sakura was there removing his poncho and unlacing his midriff flak jacket. By the time he said "sure" her expert fingers were already removing his shirt.
Sasuke didn't have time to brace himself before her delicate fingers started touching the stump that used to be his arm, looking at the scar tissue, grazing it, pinching it. Testing his reflexes. Being so close he could smell her—it was sweet, like brown sugar and vanilla.
"Do we have to do this now?" he couldn't help blurting, trying to hide how flustered and exposed he felt.
"Considering we might not have a change once we're in the Land of Mist and I might not see you for another three years after that, yeah."
Sasuke sighed, swallowing all his frustration. "Alright then."
Next, she ran a hand on the very edge of his stump where it was obliterated off, and he flinched unwillingly, feeling a weird, disconnected sensation.
"It's okay," she said as she rubbed his bare shoulder in a reassuring soft way. "That's normal."
To his horror, he shivered and closed his eyes. He tried to recover by muttering, "It's cold. Is this almost over?"
"Yes. Almost. Have you had any weird symptoms? Fever, tingly sensation, pain?"
Sasuke shook his head. "I'm fine."
"Okay. That's good. Are you going to reconsider prosthetics?"
Sasuke opened his eyes and gave her a look. "You know how I feel about that."
"Just checking," she said as she put his shirt back and laced his flak in one swift motion. Then she grabbed his poncho and pulled it over him, arranging it on his body until she was pleased with how it looked. "There you go."
"Thanks," he mumbled as he pulled the poncho closer to himself.
"You're welcome," she said as she looked down at him, satisfied. She put both hands on her hips and sighed tiredly. "Listen. I think I'm going to rest for a bit before I take the second watch. Just wake me up when it's my turn."
"Okay," he tried not to sound so surprised. Again, he wasn't expecting her to open up to him, but this was surly an abrupt way of telling him she wasn't comfortable enough to share.
Awkward silence followed as she made her way to her bedroll and tucked herself in, bag still on her body. Sakura laid on her back and stared at the stars through the canopy of trees, lost in thought, her lids growing heavy with every passing second.
Sasuke analyzed her for a minute or two before giving up and focusing his attention elsewhere, to his surroundings, on the sound of the chilly breeze and the insects shrilling. On her breathing in and out, slow, and shallow. Like the lungs of someone who carried a large weight on them.
The silence and tranquility of the night was slowly killing Sasuke, a normal nocturnal occurrence at this point. Yet now it was harder since he had to school his uneasiness into a mask of coolness for the sake of appearing normal, recovered. He couldn't help thinking that the days that awaited them were going to be long.
"Sasuke," Sakura's voice was almost inaudible, exhausted.
"Hm." He was sure the relief in his voice was noticeable, but he didn't mind. At least he didn't have to be left alone to his wonderings.
She turned to him, her eyes so clear and all knowing, it was hard to look away. "Do it. Ask. I know you want to ask me about it."
Sasuke feigned confusion, thinking he was better off to his wonderings after all—at least wonderings weren't technically real. "What do you mean?"
"About what happened at the gate before we left."
There was no use denying it. "Oh, that."
"I'd like to think that I know you well enough to discern when you've been debating over doing something, so ask." She didn't seem the slightest bit uncomfortable talking about the elephant in the room.
Not him though. Sasuke felt incredibly unnerved. "I don't know. What should I be asking?"
"What did it look like to you?"
Like two lovers, he didn't say though he was close to. "I'm not sure."
Sakura turned her sights to the heavens above, her pupils tracing the stars. "I'm not sure either."
Sasuke felt like he was suffocating. He exhaled the little breath he had in him and closed his eyes, shielding himself from whatever laid there. "I know I'm not in the village often, but it doesn't take a genius to see he likes you."
"No," Sakura corrected, and he could feel her stare burning holes on his heart. "He loves me. He told me so."
Her curious evergreen eyes were waiting for his when he flashed them open. He swallowed the dryness in his throat. "Is that a bad thing?"
"I don't know." She seemed frustrated; her lips were pressing in a thoughtful way.
Kakashi's words came to him suddenly. It hasn't even been a month since you broke that poor guy's heart.
"You don't feel the same away," he concluded.
Sakura shook her head distraughtly, silent tears sliding down her face.
"I wanted—want to," she whispered into the dark, a strained confession. Sasuke could barely grasp at oxygen, before she winded him again. "I tried."
Silence. He didn't know what to say or do. Frankly, he was speechless. He was afraid to find out more. Sakura didn't seem to be bothered by his lack of words, rather he thought she took it as an invitation for her to speak more openly about the situation.
"I think I could be happy with him, you know. He's funny and goofy and cares for me. You don't know the lengths he goes to for me." As she said all of this, she smiled. It was a different smile, not like the other ones he'd seen today or… ever. It was joyful. Blissful even.
"What's the matter then?" he forced the words out, feeling disheartened and like he was about to throw up.
"I don't love him." Sasuke couldn't process the words properly before Sakura sharp tongue strung more words together, fast, and faster. "I was content with what we had, that undefined uncomplicated escape, but when he told me the 'big plans' he had for us… I broke it off."
Sakura didn't seem too proud about it, like the decision was hard to make. He guessed it was. Her breath was shaky as she continued, "I could never let him think he had a life with me when I don't even love him. Even when he told me he could be patient, I could never let him wait for me like that, create this false hopefulness when there is no future."
"Oh." Sasuke's mind was racing. He could only think about their last interaction, when she asked if she could join him, and he gently stumped her optimism down. He told her he'd see her again, poked her forehead for some unbeknownst reason (was he trying to tell her something he didn't fully understand himself?). The look on her face could only be described as hopeful and expectant. Was she also alluding to herself when she said that? Was she speaking from experience?
He didn't know how to console her in neither, nor what direction he should take this conversation. What could he say? All he could come up with was, "How long were you together?"
"Six months."
Six months was long enough to know somebody in some many ways than one, and his mind tended to lean on the intimate kind. He was surprised at how dreadful he felt about it for someone who considered himself so indifferent about others experiences outside of his own.
"But it's over now."
"Perhaps," he said, trying not to discourage her completely. Sakura could be happier with Rock Lee. He wouldn't want her not to be happy. "Maybe you have to give yourself time."
Sakura's features crumbled in the same frustrating way it does when you are not being understood and she seemed to fight the devastation in her voice. "I'm afraid there is no amount of time in the world."
Sasuke could only blink and nod. What else was there to do at that point? She seemed pretty convinced about the issue and he knew how stubborn she was. There was no point in trying.
"I'm sure Kakashi and Naruto will spin it and make it seem more than it was, so you heard it from me first." She turned to one side, giving her his back, and tucking her hands under her head. Sasuke couldn't tell if she was annoyed or not. If he made things worse.
One thing was clear. They were done discussing the issue.
"Rest. I'll wake you when it's your watch."
"Thanks," she murmured, already drifting off.
Sasuke slowly felt his body ease up and a headache start to form at the sides of his temples as he processed all the information. He knew he had been gone for some time, but he hadn't been aware so much had changed since he last saw his friends—or at least he didn't want to acknowledge it. Naruto was married and on his honeymoon. Kakashi was still Hokage, but already actively looking for a replacement—one of the things he heard him mumble as they made their way out of his office. And Sakura, well…
Sasuke tried picturing Rock Lee, the Genin who had bested him when they were about to take the preliminaries so many years ago, with bright assertive too good for him Sakura. It was impossible. He couldn't even comprehend how they could have ended up with each other in the first place. A question he refrained from asking her because he was too afraid to find out.
Though it was hard for him to visualize them as a one single entity, his mind was witty enough to conjure movie-like scenes in his head, filling in the blanks when he lacked understanding.
Them coming together must have happened right after the events of the falling moon, that was the only timeline that fit her account. Sakura could only have been desperate or…lonely, there was no other explanation. Rock Lee eased (weaseled) his way into her heart. If their previous encounter with him was any indication, she found him annoying and embarrassing. He must have persuaded her in her most vulnerable day—the world almost ending could cause that. She was only with him out of self-loathing, insecurity, and pity for him. If anything happened between them, it must have happened without much self-control or inhibitions and for escapism (she did use that word).
Of course, there was another far crueler voice in his head that told him otherwise. One that told him there was more consent than he gave her credit for.
Sakura was the one that noticed him, she was the one that wanted him. He had won her heart over fairly. And then with time, devastatingly, her mind and body as well.
He could even picture their first kiss. Sakura would have agreed on a date without much resistance one tired afternoon (when her guard was down) and after having a surprisingly nice time, after laughing until her cheeks were sore, he would walk her home. There was no doubt, she would be the one who would kiss him first. Out of curiosity and gratitude and because she wanted to know the feel of his lips. Then because she wanted more (because she couldn't get enough).
One day he would bring her flowers at work. There would be no special occasion, he was just that type of person—the gentle lighthearted kind. The kind she deserved. And that would be the first time anyone would know of their relationship. Not because it was strange for him to bring her flowers but because they would walk out together holding hands for the first time. She would think their fingers clasped perfectly together, like the other half of something, and the cold freezing feeling they always seemed to have would be smothered.
There would also be other first times, but he couldn't bring himself to imagen those. Not when he couldn't do it for himself. He knew it would be special, though. It would make things harder later on, when he'd tell her of the plans he had for them. He reckoned those involved marriage and children and a house on a hill. But, eventually, after a lot of back and forth, when their ties were completely severed, despite her not loving him like she claimed, a little piece of him would be hers and a little piece of hers would be his. Always. Even if life took them other directions. Even if she ended up with—
Sasuke hadn't realized he was anxiously pulling on a string from his poncho until he heard a rip. Actually, he wasn't keeping good time either. He had let Sakura sleep in a little longer than he should, but that was okay. She needed it and he wasn't sure he could find peace long enough for sleep.
Sasuke lightly tapped on her shoulder, and she woke with the efficiency of someone who has been doing it for years now, a combination of her medical background and ninja prowess. She scolded him for not waking her up sooner and insisted that next time she would let him sleep for longer so they could be even.
Sasuke was doubtful of sleep as he laid his head on the bedroll, his mind too consumed by a million scenarios. He guessed he underestimated how mentally draining that single task would be. How tired he would grow of going in circles over and over…
One moment he was looking at Rock Lee take off Sakura's clothes from behind closed lids and the next thing he knew he was dreaming.
It started off like it always did—at his childhood home. He was laying on a bed in an empty house full of ghosts. It was winter, the rooms and halls were cold and chilly. Lacking the warmth of life. A reflection of how he felt inside as well.
He should be sad, he thought. He was just a kid, an orphan, the weight of loss should have broken his heart by now, and it had but not in the way most would think. All he could feel was anger. Hot bubbling anger. At life and how unfair it was, at his brother and the betrayal he felt sting his heart, change things in him… but mostly at himself for being so weak and not stopping it. If there was any blame to be shifted, it was directly at him. He hadn't been smart enough to foresee this happening and he hadn't been good enough to be killed off like the rest. It was his own fault he was still here. He was too much of a coward to take his own life anyway.
When there was so much deafening silence and grueling frustration and nothing to do, all he wanted was to scream. It wasn't like he was bothering someone; it wasn't like someone was going to barge into his room and tell him to shut up. It wasn't like anyone would hear him. He practically owned the whole damn house. So, he screamed, feeling something release in him. He screamed until his voice was raw and tired and then he screamed some more just so he wouldn't be able to speak to anyone. So, he wouldn't have to say their names again in desolated hallways, where they would echo in a lonesome cycle forever. So, he wouldn't have to explain himself to the adults when they asked him how he was doing with their pitiful eyes.
Hands were shaking him awake. He activated his Sharingan out of instinct and was already getting ready to attack when he realized two things. First, he had just had a nightmare, a recurring one. The raw horsed feeling he felt in his throat made him realize that, secondly, he had been screaming while he slept. Nothing out of the ordinary. Except it meant that Sakura heard him too.
Sasuke felt his face burning with embarrassment as he retrieved the hand that was inches from circling her neck—from terminating the unknown threat.
"Are you okay?" the concern in her voice was thick and made him feel worse than he should, reminding him of their Genin days. "Are you hurt?" Her eyes were already scanning his body, trying to find the source of his tortured howling. "Was it your arm?"
"I'm fine," he assured her, his voice cracking, feeling like he was swallowing lava and a hint of shame. He shot to his feet needing to escape her gaze, the look that would paint her feature once she realized his wounds weren't physical at all.
There was a pause, and he knew her ingenious mind already came to this conclusion. "Do you want to talk about it?"
Sasuke could feel a lump form in his throat just at the thought. He shook his head. "Let's just go."
"Are you sure? I think you can rest for a little longer."
"I'm well rested now."
"Alright. Let's pack our things then."
They worked diligently, the fire they built already dwindling, casting them in long shadows. They were rolling their beds, crouching as they did it. Sasuke was trying to avoid directly looking or talking at Sakura, but she seemed to have a vendetta against that.
She placed a hand on his when they were in close proximity and echoed his early words, "If you feel comfortable, you can talk about it with me."
The irony was not lost on Sasuke. If he knew his words would be used against him, he could have never uttered them
He opened his mouth to give her some weak excuse when a flickering light—the moon shinning on metal—caught his eyes and made him move out of its way. He couldn't warn Sakura fast enough and her cheek was nicked by the shuriken aimed at them.
Kakashi's words echoed at the back of his head, a warning. You must be alert at all times.
Sakura cursed, quickly getting on her feet, and stomping the remaining fire out. Now that they were in complete darkness, Sasuke move the lock of hair covering his eyes out of the way so he could use his Rinnegan. He saw a figure move towards them and threw a combination of kunai and shuriken in that direction.
Sasuke turned, hearing the thud of the body hit the floor, and saw Sakura punch one of their attackers with enough force to make them bend in half on the bark of a tree. Then in the same single breath hit another one hard on the shin, breaking the bone. The person didn't even scream, just passed out from the sheer pain and gruesome sight.
Once the forest quieted again, Sasuke took the opportunity to nudge Sakura, indicating that they should keep quiet and abandon their campsite. They started moving quickly and silently through the branches, keeping high above the ground and those hunting them. The forest was silent and empty beneath them, aside from the animals and night insects, but one could never be too certain. Now and then, he would risk looking back with his Rinnegan to make sure they weren't being followed. For now, it seemed all was clear.
"What the hell was that?" Sakura had asked him once she thought they were safe.
He felt she was also directing the question at him as well, so he answered honestly, "I don't know."
To avoid thinking about what happened before they were ambuscaded, Sasuke focused his attention on the people who attacked them. Could the enemies of the Mizukage traveled all the way to the Land of Fire to stop them? If that were the case, how did they know they should target Sakura and him? Wasn't that information confidential? That would mean someone from the Leaf or Mist was working undercover and was feeding back that information. Sasuke was inclined to send word to the Hokage, giving him a heads up about his suspicions but what would guarantee that message wouldn't be intercepted? He did warn them to keep their eyes open. Maybe he had an inkling about it.
Kakashi was a smart guy. He was sure he could figure it out. Once he was well rested enough. He hoped.
One would think the death of a child would be inconsequential when compared to the carnage of the past and the wars, even considering places plagued with diseases, where death was commonplace. Sasuke figured that choosing to target the Land of Mist was premeditated and smart. Considering their involvement with different conflicts in the past, their previous caste system and their infamous Bloody Mist, the Kirigakure's reinvention was founded on thin glass. At least, those who longed for the old days of the Blood Mist Village would do anything to get back to those times or anyone keen to chaos and radical ideas. The untimely death of the Mizukage's niece could very be the straw that broke the camel's back. And truth be told, he wasn't sure he was ready for another war. Though it may not seem like it, they were working against the clock.
The thought made Sasuke run a little faster, Sakura following suit without any problem.
The sun was barely breaking the surface overhead when they reached the docks. They only had a minute or two to wake up their captain who had fallen asleep sitting on a chair before Sasuke spotted at least three figures break through the trees. He instructed Sakura and the old man to get the crew ready to undock while he defended their perimeter.
"What about you?" Sakura demanded, her feet hesitating over the wooden dock and the vessel that would sail them to the Last of Mist. Already they were reeling in their anchor and opening their sails.
"I'll be right there."
Something in his eyes must have convinced her, for she nodded and said, "You better be."
Sasuke moved his hand astutely as he ran to his targets, using his Fireball jutsu to burn two of them to a crisp. The third lamely swung a kunai at him, something he easily deflected with his sword. He pierced the man through the chest before setting off to the ship —which had begun distancing itself from the dock at a slow rate. His hand was moving again, a strong gust of wind coming forth as he used it to channel his chakra unto one of the elements. He was certain more people would burst from the tree lines, and they needed a head start if they wanted to lose them at sea.
Sasuke used his speed and wind to catapult himself off the dock and on to the deck of the ship, where Sakura looked at him in amazement.
"You used Wind Release."
"Yes, I did," he confirmed as he fixed his clothes and hair.
Sakura crossed her arms, biting her inner cheek… impressed? "I'm surprised, but not really. That was smart."
Sasuke shrugged, not knowing what to do with her attention but reciprocate it (totally different from what he would do when they were younger). It was this that made him notice the trickle of blood lazily running down her face, where the shuriken had cut her. Before he could think better of it, he wiped it with the heel of his shirt.
"You're bleeding," he couldn't help stating the obvious.
"Eh, don't do that," she reprimanded as she grabbed his shirt sleeve to examine it. "It's going to stain it."
"It was going to stain your shirt," he felt stupid as he explained himself. "Mine's black. You won't be able to tell."
"Yeah, well, mine is red. So, it doesn't matter." She let go of his wrist to place a hand on her cheek and heal the microscopic nick on her face. She lowered her voice and said, "I know you're thinking the same thing as me. There's a spy that feed our whereabouts to the enemies of the Mist—or whoever wants to stop us."
Sasuke nodded as he scanned the faces of the crew as if he could read their true intentions with one glance. "This changes thing. We're not sure who did. It will make trusting difficult."
Sakura mirrored his actions, her eyes landing on everyone on the ship before stopping on him. "We can only trust each other from now on."
"Hm." He processed this information and sighed, overwhelmed with the implications. "When we get to the Land of Mist, let's report directly to the Mizukage."
"I was about to suggest the same thing." She removed the hand that was healing her face, revealing smooth milky skin. "Does it look good?"
"Hm."
"I'm going to clean the dry blood and then we can go over our plan again."
Sakura had all but turned and gave him her back when he stopped her with a firm hand on her shoulder, "Sakura."
"What is it?"
Sasuke trailed a finger on the strap of the duffle back she seemed to carry everywhere like a child. He leaned into her ear and whispered, "Have that on you at all times."
Sakura pulled back, a knowing look on her face for a micro-second before she smiled lovingly, an act for those watching them, "You don't have to tell me twice."
Author's Note: Hi, guys. I know I said in my Tumblr post that I would only post this fanfic when I finished it, but truth is: I am having a hard time doing it with no motivation. So I decided to post the first chapter to get you guys' feedback and let that be my fuel. I have written two chapters in their entirety. I am working on the third. I plan to have four (max, five) chapters in this story of healing. For this story, I have few themes I want to touch on, some of which I mentioned on my Tumblr. PTSD, trauma, depression, growth, etc. I tried to do my research to have a concise plot, but bare with me. I am not a Naruto expert, I just like SasuSaku (and other pairings) mainly, but I do try to keep with the lore and what it is already established. If there are some blanks the internet and fan theories can't suffice, I fill them in. I am really thriving for a slow burn kind of love story, where love changing someone or someone changing someone else isn't the main thing. I don't think that tends to happen in real life. If it does, I think its the 1%. I do believe in you changing things about yourself and in you realizing you made mistakes-but they don't define you. I believe in finding the right person to be patient and caring enough to be with you through the process. I think SasuSaku is that kind of pairing. I have written many blank period SasuSaku before but I hope this one is slightly different. I was young when I wrote the first one. The other one, I wrote differently but in Sakura's perspective.
Anyway, I hope to update once a week or when I am able to finish writing. At least, I hope I can post the next chapter next Friday since its already written.
I used Renegade by Big Red Machine ft. Taylor Swift for inspo.