Kurt was walking down the halls of Dalton, but it looked different than he was used to. Vibrant red lockers lined the walls now that just the look of sent spikes of pain down Kurt's back. He picked up his pace and looked around him. Instead of crisp uniforms of his students, the teenagers surrounding him were clad in a mishmash of fashion.
His heart thudded in his chest when he spied the familiar red and white letterman jackets surrounding him. He wasn't safe. As soon as the realization hit him, a solid body also collided with him, sending Kurt careening into the closest lockers. The action knocked the wind from Kurt's body and he crumpled to the floor trying to catch his breath.
"Hey Ladyboy watch where you're going," a voice jeered from above him before its owner kicked him soundly in his side. "No wonder you don't have a mark, who wants a little princess like you around."
Kurt tried to recoil away from the words. It wasn't true not anymore. He had a soul mate, he had a mark. Blaine loved him no matter what.
Kurt was then engulfed by a mass of bodies all yelling insults and slurs at him. He looked up, needing to find a way out. Blaine was standing there surrounded by those hateful faces. Kurt wanted to yell at him to run, to go before they would try and hurt him too.
Before he could, Blaine's face morphed into one of disgust, "How can I love you? You're not the man I thought you were. You aren't even a man anymore."
As tears filled Kurt's eyes, Blaine turned from him and walked away. Kurt watched his winged back disappear into the crowd before it surged in on him and the beatings began.
Kurt was shocked awake.
He straightened himself panting. He had dozed off in the back of Cooper's car.
"Kurt, you okay?" Blaine asked, looking at him in concern.
"Yea, sorry." Kurt murmured.
Summer was almost over, and they were taking advantage of it by going on a vacation. Cooper and Elliot were in the front seat with Kurt and Blaine in the back. They had also invited Alfie and his parents, Clarise and William Sinclair to join them for a long weekend at a cabin by a lake. Elster had opted to ride with the Sinclairs in their minivan because, as she explained, 'Alfie gets to watch movies in his car.'
Kurt was glad to be getting away, he had hoped that leaving the stress of work behind would help rid him of his dreams, he should have known better. He knew they weren't there because of work. He couldn't run from their source so easily. Kurt fought back tears as he tried to push the images from his dreams away. He didn't want to worry anyone else with his own insecurities.
For months now these dreams had been plaguing him, becoming more frequent and detailed as time went on. Each month failing to get pregnant seemed to trigger something in Kurt. If it was just the dreams he thought he could handle it, but coupled with ever increasing intrusive thoughts, meant Kurt was much more on edge than he had felt since coming to this world.
Kurt tried to push all thoughts from his mind as he took in the scenery around them.
"How much further," he managed to say.
"At least another hour." Cooper told him.
Blaine laughed beside him, "Although we are doing better than the Sinclairs, according to Clarise, they have had to stop five times for potty breaks."
Blaine's smile helped relieve some of the dread still lingering in the back of Kurt's mind and he smiled back.
Kurt let the conversation waft over him and the scenery speed by, trying not to let his mind wander. He listened as they talked about Elliot finally getting to move into his house on campus the next week, as well as his plans for the upcoming school year. Cooper admitted he was thinking about writing songs for other people to perform, just for something to pass the time. Blaine told stories about funny things Elster had done and said that week. Even as he laughed at their antics, Kurt couldn't help but feel guilty that he couldn't completely push his ennui away.
As predicted they made it to the cabin well before the Sinclairs and took the opportunity to unload their car without the kids' help. The cabin was large and surrounded by trees, the glimmer of the lake just visible in the distance as they pulled up. There were 6 bedrooms, 4 upstairs and 2 downstairs. It had already been decided that Kurt and Blaine would take the master bedroom downstairs, letting the Sinclairs have the 2nd master that was situated up stairs. Elster and Alfie had begged for the room with the bunk beds to share. With Cooper in the other downstairs bedroom, that left Elliot with his choice of the remaining upstairs bedrooms. Unsurprisingly he didn't choose the one with twin beds.
Once everything was unloaded and unpacked, Alfie's parents still hadn't arrived so Kurt started cooking dinner without them. He had a feeling both Clarise and William would be ready for a nice glass of wine and a break by the time they pulled into the drive.
Kurt wasn't wrong. While the kids bounded out of the minivan looking ready to do every available activity at once, the adults looked like they had been to hell and back.
"I don't think they even watched the movies," Clarise moaned, shaking her head.
Kurt couldn't help but laugh. "Don't feel obligated to include her on the trip back, we can figure it out."
Clarise shook her head, "She was fine, in fact it was nice to see Alfie so animated. It will be nice when he has better control of his quirk, having a 6 year old's thoughts constantly invading your head can be a little much sometimes."
Alfie Sinclair was a special boy, shy and quiet, and blessed with a telepathy quirk. He could send messages directly to others' minds. The perfect quirk for a boy who would rather do anything but talk. Elster had raved about it the day he first showed her what he could do.
That evening, after playing board games together, they finally settled the kids down in their room, knowing full well it would be a while before they went to sleep. William and Clarise excused themselves to their own room, while Kurt, Blaine, Cooper and Elliot settled into the living room to watch a movie.
As the credits rolled, Kurt folded the blankets they had been using and watched as Elliot started towards the stairs. Just before he disappeared from view, he saw him turn back once more with a wistful look on his face. Before Kurt could wonder too much about it, Blaine snaking his arms around Kurt's waist distracted him. He leaned back into the embrace. In Blaine's arms all insecurities and doubts washed away.
Kurt was walking alone in the woods, the shadows from the surrounding trees casting ominous shadows around him. Kurt flinched as he tried to pick his way through the thick undergrowth, hoping to find his way out before the darkness completely enveloped him. He pushed aside a branch revealing an outdoor kitchen filled with students in their hero costumes. Almost as soon as they spied him, shouted insults filled the air. Kurt could hardly make out the individual statements through the cacophony. Soon he realized that the insults weren't just coming from the students, but Elliot and Sam's faces were contorted in disgust as they joined in. Kurt swayed in his spot as he spied all his colleagues from Dalton there, glaring and yelling at him. Blaine and even Copper were there too. He stepped back trying to distance himself from the mob before they could attack.
One, two, three steps and on the forth his feet met nothing and he was falling backwards into an abyss.
Kurt woke with a start, his heart pounding in his chest. He knew he would not be going back to sleep anytime soon. He looked over at the clock and it was just past one in the morning. He had been asleep less than an hour following an enthusiastic bout of love making. Blaine, sated, was sleeping peacefully and Kurt didn't have the heart to wake him. And secretly Kurt was glad he hadn't woken up, not wanting to burden his husband with the content of his dreams. Instead, Kurt slipped out of bed, pulled on pajama pants and a shirt and quietly left the room.
His dream still fresh in his mind, Kurt didn't even toy with the notion of using a walk to clear his head and tire himself out, instead he trudged into the kitchen. He remembered his father used to make him a mug of warm milk when he couldn't sleep after a bad dream. The memory came back to him, a little shocking that he hadn't thought about it in years. Kurt figured it was worth a try. He was just putting a pot on the stove when he heard muffled footfalls coming towards him from the other doorway. He looked up expecting to see Cooper, instead Elliot stood there, disheveled and looking surprised to see Kurt.
"Everything okay?" Elliot asked, his eyes not completely landing on Kurt.
Kurt shrugged a shoulder, "Just dreams," he confessed.
"Hey, are you okay?" Elliot asked, approaching him.
Kurt wasn't sure what made him do it, why tonight was different from all the other times he had been asked, but tears welled in his eyes and he could only shake his head.
"I'm here if you want to talk." Elliot offered.
"Over warm milk?" Kurt asked.
The dubious look on Elliot's face was enough to pull a watery chuckle from Kurt. "Is it any good?"
"I hardly remember." Kurt admitted.
Elliot laughed. "Well I'll give it a try."
Kurt added more milk and spices to the pot and used the opportunity of not looking at Elliot to say, "If I ask you a question, do you promise to be completely honest with me? I mean, spare no thought for my feelings, one hundred percent completely honest."
"As long as you promise the same in return." Elliot challenged.
Kurt chanced a glance over his shoulder, "Deal."
"Then fire away." Elliot said.
Kurt heard the kitchen chair scrape against the floor as Elliot sat. He took a deep breath and said, "Knowing what you know about the lengths Blaine and I have gone through to have a baby, do you think I'm less of a man?"
"Where is this coming from?" Elliot asked, and Kurt couldn't help but feel like he was deflecting.
Kurt's voice cracked as he urged, "Can you just answer the question?"
Elliot sighed and Kurt continued to concentrate on the liquid heating in the pot.
"No Kurt, I don't think you are less of a man. I don't know the details but- it doesn't matter to me what parts you do or don't have, you are the same man I met in the woods that day. Well, not exactly the same man. You have changed so much since then. You were so sad and lonely, there was no spark to you. And if we are being completely honest, I have been seeing less of that spark lately, so what's up?"
Kurt took his time pouring the now warm milk into 2 mugs and didn't answer until he had served them both and was sitting across from Elliot.
"I- I'm not sleeping well anymore and I can't help but think-" Kurt paused, he wasn't sure how to say what needed to be said. "You know sometimes I don't think we can ever completely escape from our pasts. We can try, but when we least expect it, it comes back to haunt us again."
Elliot patiently waited for Kurt to continue.
"Growing up was hard. I never had any real connections, and the older I got, the more those around me saw that. The bullying didn't just start when I didn't get my soul mark, that just made it worse." Kurt took a sip of his milk, the flavor transporting him back to late night talks with his dad. He closed his eyes and the words flowed out of him. "My manhood was questioned everyday. I was constantly called a girl or a lady. And I know there is nothing wrong with being a woman, I have great respect for them, but I'm not one. As soon as puberty hit, all those jerks could do was talk about how I couldn't be a real man, speculating that maybe I was a eunuch if not a girl. 'How can a dude with a voice like that have balls anyway?' 'Oh look she's fighting back she must be on her period.' And I dealt with it and I knew that nothing they were saying was true. I knew I was a man. When I wasn't marked, they said it was because no one would want whatever I was. I thought I got over it"
"And now?" Elliot asked.
"And now- I don't think I am as over it as I thought I was. I was okay the first month or so, but God- I can't even look at myself any more and I keep having these dreams, and they just won't go away. I can't help but feel like when everyone knows, will it be the same? Will I have to deal with that all over again? But this time I don't know if I will be able to take it, because part of me thinks maybe they are right. And I've done this to myself, I changed my body and-"
A sob replaced Kurt's words and a strong hand gripped his, giving him the courage to try again.
"And I'm still not pregnant. Did I do this to myself for nothing?"
"These things take time don't they?" Elliot tried to reassure him.
"It's been over four months-" Kurt protested.
Elliot's voice was gentle when he answered, "I know four months seems like forever to you right now, but Kurt it really isn't that long when it comes to trying to make a baby. Have you talked to Blaine about this?"
Kurt shook his head.
"He is your soulmate, you should be talking to him about this."
"I know," Kurt sighed, "I just- I guess I am tired of being the weak one that always needs assurance and rescuing."
Elliot chuckled, "I can almost guarantee that Blaine doesn't see you that way. I honestly think you saved him just as much as he saved you. I'm so honored that you feel comfortable enough to tell me this, but I really think you need to talk to Blaine. Just know that the people who know you, the people who matter, our opinion of you won't change one way or the other if you get pregnant, or if you decide that this is something you can't do. No matter what, you are Kurt Hummell, your body doesn't change that. Now promise you will talk to Blaine about this. He deserves to know what you are dealing with. It isn't fair not to share this with him."
Kurt nodded knowing Elliot was right and surprisingly he felt marginally better. He took another sip of his milk before speaking again.
"Okay one more question, while we are being honest with each other."
"Okay?" Elliot replied, raising an eyebrow.
Kurt leveled him with a look before asking, "Why were you leaving Cooper's bedroom in the middle of the night?"
Elliot nearly choked on his milk. Coughing, he managed to say, "What- what are you talking about?"
"I'm not dumb," Kurt sighed, "I may have been distracted but not enough to forget that your room was upstairs and Cooper's bedroom is the only one down that hall you came from. So?"
Elliot looked uncomfortable for a second before a goofy smile filled his face. "It's not that I didn't want to tell you, but- Coop made me promise."
"Shut up!" Kurt exclaimed, "You are kidding me. When did this happen?"
"Um," Elliot rubbed the back of his neck a blush painting his cheeks, "four months ago."
"And you never told me? I thought I was your best friend," Kurt huffed as he looked at his friend in amazement.
It made Kurt feel better that Elliot at least looked apologetic, and this turn in the conversation was exactly what he needed to get his mind off his current worries.
"I think Coop was afraid Blaine would be upset. He's worried Blaine will feel like he is trying to take his friend away. I keep telling him that Blaine isn't like that, but-"
Kurt nodded knowingly, "Their father did do a number on them, but you're right, Blaine doesn't resent Cooper for any of the crap their dad pulled on them growing up. Okay, so tell me all about it?"
Elliot laughed, and Kurt was ecstatic to see his friend so happy.
"When you went on your trip, we hit it off. We exchanged numbers, I just assumed he wanted a friend in the area, I never imagined-" Elliot's smile was that of a man completely head over heels. "We went out about a week later- and about halfway through I realized that it was a date. I don't know, he makes me happy."
"So this is serious?" Kurt smiled back.
Elliot tried to hide his blush with his hands, but failed miserably. "I- I love him, so yeah."
Kurt gently smacked Elliot on his shoulder. "You have to tell Cooper to tell Blaine. I can not keep this from him!"
"Fuck," Elliot hissed. "Didn't you hear me, I have tried to tell him, but he doesn't want to screw up their relationship, he feels like they finally have one."
"Elliot," Kurt whined. "Please don't put me in this position. If Cooper doesn't tell him, I will have to. You don't know how hard it is for me not to tell Blaine things."
"And yet you haven't told him about your dreams or these feelings you are having-" Elliot grumbled.
Kurt closed his eyes, "Touche. But don't you want to be able to tell people?"
He could see Elliot thinking before nodding, "I mean, it is hard and I don't like feeling like we are sneaking around."
"Just talk to him, maybe me finding out is the push he needs. I promise, Blaine is just going to be happy for you two." Kurt suggested.
"Okay, just give me some time to talk to him, okay?" Elliot asked.
"Alright, until then, I think we each have a handsome man waiting for us, why don't you go back to Cooper's room." Kurt said standing up.
A minute later, when he crawled under the covers Kurt felt better than he had in a long time. As a sleepy Blaine rolled over and pulled him close, he wasn't afraid to close his eyes and sleep. He didn't think a new nightmare waited for him.