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Death in the Family

Recording by Scribe Ellison

After that, everyone needed me everywhere. We'd all signed an agreement, but nobody fully trusted anybody else to keep it unless I was there. So I was chasing stray synths and keeping an eye on the Railroad and the Brotherhood since I didn't entirely trust Maxson not to try something or Desdemona not to assume Maxson was about to try something and try to get her revenge first.

Then I got the message that my son's health was going downhill fast and he wanted to see me. I hadn't been to the Institute in a few weeks, wanting to let everyone have some time to cool down, and I hadn't realized the end was so close.

I got to the Institute and sensed the change as I rode the elevator down. The people around were standing differently, huddled unhappily together. Ready to lose the center of their world.

The boy found me at the bottom of the elevator. "You came back! Father is sick, he says he's going to die soon. Is that real? Everybody says to stay out of the way or they'll shut me down with a code! And I don't understand what's happening!"

He needed me, but talking to a real child about death was a scary enough prospect and I couldn't imagine how to talk about it to a synth. My mind fumbled for words. "Hey kid… it's real. Father isn't going to be around much longer. He knew it was going to happen, so I'm sure he made a plan for you."

The boy nodded glumly. "He said lots of things that I don't understand."

I sighed and squeezed his shoulder. "Maybe we can talk about it later, but I think that's going to be a long talk and I need to see Father now. Why don't you find your friend Eve? She won't threaten you with codes. And I promise I'll come back and talk to you, but it might be tomorrow or another day before I can. Is that all right?"

The boy sighed and nodded. "Father is talking to everyone and he said he wanted you to come as soon as you got here. You promise to come back later sometime?"

"I promise." I said, hoping Shaun really had made a plan for the child's future.

The Director's Quarters were full of people, and I waited outside listening. It sounded… like a meeting. Father was talking about the future of each division, mentioning different projects and giving final advice or permissions. His voice had changed, taken on an old man's quaver in such a short time. The division heads came out one at a time. Doctor Holdren and Doctor Binet were fighting back tears. Justin Ayo looked thunderously angry, and gave me a killing look as he walked past.

Doctor Li said, "Father has named you his successor. I trust you won't try to actually take the position?"

"God no."

"Good. You've done enough here."

I couldn't disagree.

Doctor Volkert found me. "Good, you're here. He doesn't have long. We knew this was coming, all I can do now is make him comfortable."

I nodded, heart breaking, and went in.

My son was lying in a medical bed, propped up to talk to the people around him and with only one discreet tube delivering medication into his arm. His illness was obvious now, his face sunken in behind his beard. He finished what he was saying and gestured everyone out, with a smile, and his hand fell still on the sheet. "Mother."

"Shaun." I bent down to give him a half hug and kissed his silver hair. He smiled patiently and let me. "Are you..?"

His smile went softer, realer than the one he'd given his co-workers. "I knew how this would go. Everything is prepared. The Institute will go on without me." His eyes closed for a long moment then opened again. "Every generation makes the world new. We did it out of order… the next world is yours. Once I'm gone it's all up to you."

I was absolutely crying then. "I'll do my best. I'll protect everything you built. Shaun I know I didn't… I wasn't what you wanted either."

His eyes narrowed and he chuckled a little. "Our time together has been strange hasn't it. I spent years wondering what you were like. Thinking about all we missed out on. We couldn't get the time back, but I want you to know that I'm grateful for the time we've had." My son reached out and I took his hand.

"I'm glad I found you." I said and he smiled.

"As am I. I think I'd like to rest… please stay a while." Shaun said and settled back, his eyes closing.

I sat for a while holding my son's hand and listening to him breathe and thinking how sad it was that I was the only one here. Shaun had no family, no lover, no child, just co-workers. The synths he'd called his family weren't welcome here for this. He only had me, the stranger-mother he'd only known for a little while and who had forced the Institute to change against its will.

I couldn't go back and talk to the boy after that. I used my relay to send myself to a rooftop downtown to just… get used to it. Let go of any last dreams I had of cheating time, finding my family again.

Then my radio came on with poor Preston saying very apologetically, "Em? I'm so sorry to bother you at a time like this but we just saw a distress flare and you're the only one who can get there fast..."

So I went to help.

My son lingered a few days after that but he didn't wake up again. I got the message that he'd passed and then a summons from a diffident Doctor Holdren saying that they were holding the Director's memorial. I dressed up, in a white dress since everyone in the Institute wears white so I thought it would be respectful.

I did not feel welcome. Most of the scientists turned away from me, and there were whispers. It had gotten around that Father wanted me to be the next director and I could hardly stand up and say I had no intention of taking over.

The ceremony was held in the heart of the Institute among the trees and waterfalls. Someone had put up a portrait of Father, a photograph taken the day he became the Director. Younger, his hair was as black as mine and his face was sharper and colder. Music played and different people came forward to share memories of Father's life and achievements.

I didn't speak. I stood in the back and tried to cry silently. Tried to be proud of my son, who really did a lot of good for the Institute and its vision of the future even if he'd also done a lot of evil.

After, the other scientists slowly scattered back to their work or to the canteen. Looking to the future, like Father would have wanted.

I sat on one of the benches and wiped my eyes and watched the water flowing under my feet. I felt a little bit lighter, like everything I'd been hoping for had been a weight that was lifted now. Something had ended. Something good, but now that it was over maybe I could look to the future too. Find something else to hope for.

The boy came out from one of the doorways and sidled over, slowly like he wasn't sure I'd want to see him. I smiled and patted the bench next to me. "Hey kid. I tried to find you but Liam said you were watching from a balcony."

"They said I shouldn't talk since I'm a synth but other synths talked. Father is gone."

"Yeah."

"He told me… he told me you're my mother. Are you really? Why didn't you tell me?"

I felt a wash of anger for my son. He could've talked to me before he told the boy that. He could've told him the whole truth. "It's… sort of true. You want me to tell you?"

"Mmhm."

"A long time ago I had a baby, and some things happened so our ages got out of order and that baby grew up to be Father. I'm his mother—and Father made you from his own dna, you even have some of his memories from when he was a baby. So I didn't give birth to you but in other ways I am your mother."

"Father said I should go with you."

I saw in my mind the room I'd made for my son, it was all ready and I liked this boy and worried about what would happen to him surrounded by people who just thought of him as Father's pet project. "Maybe you could. You might not want to. The surface gets hot and cold and dirty and if I was your mom I'd have to make you do your schoolwork and your chores. I couldn't just be your friend like I am down here. You should talk to Doctor Binet and Eve and your friends and see what they think you should do, and we can decide later."

"I decided I want to live on the surface with you." The boy said immediately.

Something about it startled me into a smile. "This is not the right time to decide something big like that. We should wait until we're a little less sad about Father so we can think clearly."

The boy made a face, not liking my logic but I wasn't budging. I was having way too many emotions to know what I was doing, and the boy deserved better than to be brought home like a stray cat just because my heart was broken.