That taste of bile was a permanent fixture of Roman's mouth since unfusing. His handprints were scorched into the skin of his friends. A dull ache in his heart reminded him of what he did - what he had to do. And he wasn't even able to apologize before Janus and Virgil locked themselves in Jan's room. The silence hung in the air as Logic finished wrapping up his bandages. His hands stung, but that was nothing to the pain in his chest.
Remus was different. His other Fusions, it still felt like Roman was there, a little. He could talk with his partner and they could help the Fusion function together. But Remus- Remus was like being dropped in a dark, inky swamp alone. He could hear the cries of Virgil and Janus' psyche, but no matter where he searched, he couldn't find them. The deeper he went into the swamp, the darker it became, until the black water swallowed him whole.
"Are you alright?" Patton's voice made him jump.
Roman looked up, they were staring at him. He swallowed, but the bile taste remained. He tried to smile, but his lips wouldn't move. How did talking work again? Roman sighed and nodded, raising his hands to inspect Logic's work.
He cleared his throat and finally found his voice. "Thanks to y'all I am."
"I'm going to see if Janus needs help." Logic said, stepping away. Roman slid off the counter to stand. His knees wobbled, so he leaned against the counter.
Patton looped an arm around his elbow, helping to keep him steady. Roman wondered how someone so pure could stand to touch him now. He was disgusting, vile, evil-
"Do you need help getting to your room?" Patton asked. Roman shakily nodded, grateful for such kindness. They moved slowly, Roman's body not wanting to cooperate with them. Roman took far too long on the stairs he could usually bound up. He leaned heavily on Patton. They didn't speak.
Patton helped clear off his bed from where Roman left his makeup. A sharp spike ran through his heart. He was so excited to go out with them. He ruined everything. Just like with Remy and Missy. God, why was he such a fuck up?
"Hey, no more tears." Patton whispered, brushing his cheeks again. Roman liked when he did that, the cozyness of his palms felt safe. Patton guided him to lay down. "Shh, it's time to rest."
Roman reached out and grabbed Patton's hand. He asked, voice quiet, "Can you stay until I fall asleep?"
"Of course, Ro."
Patton got under the covers with him, pulling Roman close to his chest. Roman closed his eyes and focused on Patton's soothing heartbeat. He tried to keep his breathing even, but his emotions were still too strong for that. He broke into another sob, turning to hide his face against Patton's neck.
He heard Patton's soft mumble, "It's alright, I've got you."
"I-I burn- burned them!" Roman said between gasps. His breathing uneven and his face hot. Patton ran his fingers through his hair, and it felt so nice. Roman wanted to stay in this embrace, this safety forever. But he didn't deserve even that small paradise. "They're- they're hurt!"
"Roman." Patton said seriously, tilting Roman's head with a light grip on his chin. Roman blinked to look into his hickory eyes. "You did the right thing. You stopped Remus. We don't know what he's capable of." Softer, he added, "You saved us, Roman."
Then why did he feel like the villain of this story?
Patton spoke slowly, like he wasn't really sure how to proceed. "When … it was Destiny," Roman tried to focus, to ignore his shaky breathing. He wanted to hear this. Patton never shared about their backstory, and Janus changed the details every time.
Patton started again, "When I put Destiny through Fission, it felt like I was peeling myself away from a fly trap. I had to fight so hard to get away. Were you- were you trapped?"
It sounded right, but not that Roman was trapped to Virgil and Janus, not mentally at least. More that they were all trapped in an inescapable space together. He shook his head, pressing himself closer to Patton's side.
"I don't know how we escaped. I just-"
He imagined the swamp, of the cold, the fear. He remembered the moment Roman fought back, deciding to fight the very trees themselves. How breaking the branches made Remus mad. How he was able to imagine Virgil and Janus doing the same thing. And how Remus made the swamp disappear entirely. In the blank plane, Roman was next to Virgil and Janus. Really close, actually. And the absolute horror they felt when they looked down to see their three torsos had merged together. They were still trapped, each movement causing the other two pain, and Remus believed he had won. He wasn't anticipating Roman would try to shatter the statue. That he would place one hand on each of his partners and force them apart.
Roman's voice cracked. "I just pushed."
Patton gave him another shushing noise, petting his hair soothingly. "It's alright, you're safe now. He can't hurt you anymore."
Roman hid his face and cried, until he fell into a restless sleep. Patton's warmth was the last thing he remembered before slipping away.
Roman was walking through a hallway in one of the college buildings. He was headed to his figure drawing class, which was weird because he was in the math building. It was a bright, sunny day outside, and Roman thought about hanging out on the quad later.
Someone bumped into him, and Roman reached out to keep them from stumbling. He smiled, "Oh, sorry-"
But when Roman's hand touched the other's arm, they jumped back, screaming. The student grabbed their arm and shouted, "What the fuck?! You burned me!"
Roman's gaze darted down to their arm, a print of a violent grip spread where he had barely touched them. He shook his head, backing up. He ran into someone else, and when he turned to apologize to them, they also shouted in pain. Roman's face flushed in shame and horror as a crowd gathered to glare at him.
"I heard he's not diagnosed." A voice from the crowd said.
"Maybe he's Abusive." Another called.
"Or Hot-Tempered." Another said. The crowd laughed.
Roman covered his face, but his hands began to burn even himself. He ran, and kept running until the laughter faded away.
Roman woke with a start, he was sweating and shaking. He was alone, Patton must have left after he fell asleep. He glanced around the room, thankful to see his own posters and clothing instead of the college halls. He forced himself to relax, to not focus on such a stupid nightmare. He checked the time on his phone. It was one in the morning. No one would be awake right now.
Well, maybe…
But was he brave enough?
Roman decided he was, or he could try to be. He made his way to his door and pulled it open enough to peak out into the hall. Sure enough, there was one light shining under the door next to his. He took a deep breath and took the three steps to the handle.
He cracked the door open slowly, peaking into the dim room. The only light on was a desk lamp on the bedside table. Janus looked over immediately, relaxing when he saw Roman. He pushed the door open a little more and stared. Janus was sitting upright on the bed, his back to the headrest. Against his chest, a shirtless Virgil rested. His eyes were closed, his face finally relaxed. Roman stepped into the room.
"Is he okay?" He whispered.
Janus nodded. "Close the door."
Roman did and took that as an invitation to join them. He crept across the floor, still cautious. But Janus made no move to push him away or shield Virgil. Roman sighed when he saw the thick bandage wrapped around Virgil's middle. In the very center of the wound, a small red spot. It wasn't a lot of blood, but one drop was too much. Roman covered his mouth with his hand and bit his lip. Hard.
"Shh, it's alright love." Janus whispered. He patted the bed beside him and Roman climbed on carefully. He gave them space, still terrified he would burn them again. Janus brushed back his bangs, and Roman flinched at the contact. Janus sighed, then said, "He doesn't blame you."
"Do you?" Roman asked.
Janus shook his head.
"Honest?" Roman pleaded.
"Love, that man was our fault. You did what you had to… to keep us away." Janus said, looking down at Virgil's resting form.
Roman shook his head, "How could he be your fault? He was based on my ex-boyfriend."
"Sleep isn't scary, love."
At that Roman snorted and leaned further into the bed. "You should hear him talk about death. He calls it 'the Big Sleep'."
His heart twisted at the memory of his ex-lover. Remy was so funny. And Roman would never be able to hear his jokes again. God, he was just ruining every relationship he had, wasn't he?
"Maybe you should get some big sleep." Janus suggested, looking down at Roman. But Roman was already distracted; his gaze on the bandage around Jan's shoulder.
He reached out and gently traced the sides of it. "I didn't mean to-"
"I know that." Janus said. He repeated, quieter, "I know."
Roman's throat felt tight. He looked up into Jan's mismatched, morose eyes.
"It wasn't the same." Janus murmured.
Roman's gaze dropped down to Jan's cheek, of the fingerprints - the nail tracks - that Patton had left there. Roman spoke without looking away from the scar. "We can't make him again."
"I know." Janus said. "We won't. Now rest. We can worry about what happened later."
"But-" Roman tried to sit up, but Janus placed a hand on his shoulder and guided him down.
"Rest. Everyone is safe now. It's time to recharge." He smiled softly, his skin shining warmly from the glow of the desk light. "We can heal later."
Roman laid down, still worried about touching the others (especially Virgil, the poor boy looked far worse off than Jan). But Janus laid a hand on his head and brushed his fingers through his hair, not unlike how Patton did just hours before. Roman let himself sleep once more.
The next time he awoke, Virgil was gone. Janus still sat in bed, playing with Roman's hair while he scrolled through his phone. Roman sat up and rubbed his eyes. Janus lowered his phone and stole a quick kiss, when Roman wasn't expecting it.
He startled, a giggle falling past his lips. He leaned close to Janus and whispered, "Mornin'. Do you ever sleep?"
"Didn't you know Negatives don't need to sleep?" Janus said, blinking in surprise.
Roman sat back, more awake now. "Really?"
"No," Janus laughed and kissed his cheek. "It's a good thing you're pretty."
Roman grabbed Jan's hand, his mind slamming back to what happened yesterday. "Janus. Are you okay?"
Janus' eyebrows twitched, first up, then down, then back to resting. He smiled and said, "Yes, I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?"
"It's just-" Roman thought about the silent tears that Janus cried when they first split. And how he hadn't shown any more remorse since then. And how Roman couldn't stop crying like a baby. His gaze fell to Janus' scar once again, words losing him.
"It's just a flesh wound." Janus said, waving him off. He peered at his own bandaged shoulder, as if he couldn't care less about the topic. "It will stop hurting in a week or two-"
"A week?" Roman felt sick. His own hands throbbed a little, but they were more sore than painful. He really fucked up.
"I- uh meant a few days. Sorry." Janus shook his head and placed a hand on his shoulder, "It's really not that bad. I promise."
Roman sighed and looked around the room. On the floor, near the trash can that wasn't there a week ago, sat a bunched up black ball. Roman crawled across the bed and walked over to it, slowly picking it up off the ground.
"He said to throw it away." Janus said sadly.
Roman gasped at the hole straight through the back of the black jacket. He held it up to inspect how he had ruined it. And now Virgil had to discard his favorite clothing item - arguably his favorite possession.
Roman held it close to his chest, turning to Janus, "Don't tell him I took it."
Janus raised an eyebrow, but nodded. Then he stood and gestured to the door. "Then put it in your room and let's get breakfast. You need the energy."
Roman wondered why he needed energy more than Janus, when Janus was the insomniac with the new, giant wound. But he didn't mention it, since Janus followed closely behind him. After he tucked Virgil's ruined jacket in a safe place under his bed, he joined Janus by the stairs.
He flinched when Janus took his hand, and then again when Janus immediately dropped it. They didn't speak as they went down the stairs. Roman didn't know how he was going to navigate any of this. He just hoped that Virgil didn't hate him as much as Roman currently hated himself.
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