Janus was trying to not think about the hickeys. He did his routine of chores, trying to distract himself from the hickeys. He didn't think about whether it was Virgil or Patton that was the receiver. He didn't think about the small, pink shapes and how they must've been nipped into place with inexperience. He didn't think about Kyler's heated gaze darting to him. He didn't think about any of it!
Yeah, Janus was upset that Virgil never came back. He was expecting to spend the night with him again, or at least getting to tell him goodnight. And yeah, maybe he really wasn't expecting for Kyler to show up.
But he was a mature Side that could handle a little fusion. Well, Fusions were actually big, but that's besides the point.
Janus could push aside his wants as long as Virgil needed him to. Kyler appeared for a reason. It had to be that he wanted Janus to back off. It was the most obvious reason. Janus had to respect that.
"My name is Janus Deceit Side." Janus said, flinching as the interviewer wrote something down. He adjusted how he was sitting and tried to steady his breathing. He could do this. It was just a pizza place, he could make pizza. He loved pizza! "I live with my Sides. Um. We don't know when we'll become Established."
The pencil scratched across the paper. Janus' throat felt dry. His heart was hammering so fast and he wanted to lie to soothe it. But he couldn't. If he lied he would be turned away, just like every other time. He had to do this right. He could be a Good little Side that contributed to society.
"I- um- I've never had a job before."
The interviewer didn't look up from their paperwork once. He didn't have a resume to give them. He couldn't think of anything he could put besides his name.
"But I work hard? And I- um. I have open availability…"
She set the clipboard down and said, "Well thank you for coming out, Mr. Side, it was nice talking to you."
"You- you don't have any more questions?" Janus asked. She had only asked the basic 'Tell me about yourself?' starter. Janus was expecting a little more interrogation.
She smiled and stood up. "We'll call you next week to let you know."
Janus felt bile rise in his throat as she walked away. Lying didn't work. The truth didn't work. What the fuck was he supposed to do?
Janus raced out of the store and down the sidewalk. He pulled out his phone, clicking on Crude's contact and calling them.
"Hey, where're you at?" Janus asked.
Crude's voice came through the speaker, "I don't know where the fuck I'm at."
Janus sighed and kicked a can across the street. It bounced a few times before a car flattened it.
"Can you figure it out?" He snapped.
Someone let out a loud "whoop" in the background. Crude said, "I'm with Manic. He's playing in the dumpsters."
"Which dumpsters?" Janus was going to strangle them. But it wasn't their fault Structure got all their brains.
"Behind the Target." Crude said.
"Great." Janus said, cutting across the street to change directions. Someone honked at him, he flipped them off. "I'm on my way."
Crude nodded their head as Janus paced back and forth, bitching. They were a good listener, when they wanted to be. Janus walked the length of the dumpster, then turned around and walked back. Crude leaned against it, their arms crossed. Every so often Manic would toss something nasty out of the dumpster with glee.
"What if we burn it down?" Crude says, "That'll teach her."
"Yeah, teach her that her prejudice is correct and she should never hire a Negative." Janus rolled his eyes. "Great idea, dear."
"Who cares what she thinks? She's an old bitch." Crude said, waving him off. "You don't need a job anyway, you live with your Sides. Don't they pay for everything?"
Janus sighed and muttered, "You don't get it."
"My Sides pay for everything." Crude said.
"Maybe yours just don't like you." Manic suggested, as an old boot flew out of the dumpster and onto the ground beside Crude.
"Oh, that's a good point." Crude said, nodding. "Maybe they'll buy you things if you stop being a dick."
"I'm not a dick." Janus was really getting tired of this.
Crude raised an eyebrow.
"To them!" Janus sighed, "I'm not a dick to them! And I don't need them to buy me shit. And!" He was getting a bit worked up, "And they would buy me something if I asked because they're Good and nice and they like me!"
Manic-Arrogant looked over the edge of the dumpster at him, frowning. "Wait, did that one that kicked your ass and dumped you- did he change his mind?"
Janus' face grew hot. He picked up the old boot and threw it at Manic. He managed to duck before it hit him, landing back into the dumpster with a clank.
"Your life sucks." Crude said, blinking down at him.
"Shut. Up." Janus hissed.
"Make. Me." Crude grinned. Janus considered it for a moment. Crude was always useful for letting out frustrated energy. Finally he stepped back, deciding he wasn't in the mood. Besides, Crude wasn't the one he wanted attention from.
"My life is great and I can get a job and my Sides want to be around me." Janus said, well aware of how whiney he sounded.
"That's a lotta lies at once, man." Crude said, sounding almost concerned.
"They're not lies. Virgil spent every night with me." Janus snapped, "Roman and I have become more connected-"
"You've been fucking?" Crude asked.
Janus sighed, "I do love our conversations."
"Since when?" Crude's voice sounded odd. When Janus glanced at them, they looked away. Weird.
Janus shrugged. "A couple weeks ago? Roman came home mad because he was just dumped. It sort of … built from there."
"Oh." Crude relaxed. "You're the rebound."
"I'm not the rebound!" Janus scoffed.
Manic-Arrogant said from within the dumpster, "You're totally the rebound, dude."
Janus banged the metal with his fist, making it reverberate loudly. He heard Manic stumble from inside. "Shut up."
"Wait. Didn't you say Roman was with the doppelganger?" Crude asked slowly.
"Yeah, they thought they were Sides." Janus said. "So?"
"So does Roman ever say the wrong name?" Crude said with their stupid, wide grin. Janus grit his teeth, looking down at the muddy ground.
"Oh my god, that's pathetic!" Manic laughed loudly. It echoed around the dumpster. Janus rolled his eyes and shoved his hands in his pockets. He thought about closing the dumpster lid on Manic and leaving him in there for a few hours.
"Are you at least the one fucking him?" Crude asked, turning to face him better.
Janus huffed and said, "I don't see the problem. Who cares about his ex?"
"Oh my god, you're the rebound and you're the bottom?" Crude threw their hands in the air, "Where's your self-respect?"
"What the fuck do you know about self-respect?" Janus snapped. He wasn't in the mood for his friends, apparently. Or, he wasn't in the mood to be the target of his friend's ridicule.
"Whoa, calm down, Janny." Manic popped up and rested his chin on the edge of the dumpster. With a wide grin he said, "We're just messin' with ya. No one cares about your rebound boyfriend."
"It's not a rebound!" Janus threw his hands in the air. "We were together before they broke up!"
"Yeah, but were you fucking?" Crude asked.
Janus felt heat rise to his cheeks. "It doesn't matter. And since when do you attach emotions to sex?"
"I'm not- I don't!" Crude said, holding their hands up. "I just don't want you to lie to yourself."
"Thanks." Janus said flatly. Don't lie to managers, don't lie to your Sides, don't lie to yourself - what the fuck was his purpose? How was he supposed to do any of this? The world felt a lot easier before he met his Sides.
Crude must've seen the hurt Janus was too angry to hide. "Jan-"
"I'm going home." Janus backed up. He kept eye contact for a few steps before he turned on his heel and stormed off. "Text me when you have a conversation topic that's not irritating."
"Janus, wait, we were joking!" Crude called, but Janus didn't stop moving. His fists shook in his pockets.
Janus could only think as he walked back to his house: The fuck do they know? Of course Roman loves him. They're Sides!
A darker part of his mind reminded him of a certain glasses-wearing brunette that hated him. That Sideship didn't mean companionship. That no one had ever given him the light of day before. Did he even deserve it?
No. No, Roman was different. What they had was different. It had to be.
Janus totally didn't storm up the stairs and immediately open the door to Roman's room. He pushed the door open without knocking. Roman sat in the center of his bed, actually doing his homework for once.
His face lit up when he saw Janus. He said, "Oh, good, I'm so bored-"
Janus grabbed Roman by his shirt and pulled him into a kiss. Roman grinned, his hand finding the back of Janus' head. Jan shivered, feeling the soft press of Roman's lips. Smooth, warm, familiar. Janus' skin felt like it was on fire everywhere they touched.
Janus pulled away slowly, his lips feeling warm. He smiled and whispered, "I love you."
"Yeah- wait, what?" Roman pulled back further. His eyes were wide. Janus' stomach dropped like a rock.
He swallowed thickly, not saying a damn word. Roman glanced away, rubbing his neck. Smoke filled Janus' lungs, but he couldn't even exhale. No…
"Hey, um. I appreciate it and all, but… I'm not really looking for something serious right now." Roman said.
Janus blinked. Did the world just get a little darker?
No, no, no! That wasn't possible! The way they were acting, the way it felt- didn't Roman feel that too?
"It's just- I'm still upset about Remy and I… I don't think-" Janus could barely even hear the words through the ringing in his ears.
Oh, you asshole. Janus thought. You idiot.
Jan took a subtle breath and shoved his despair into the pit of his stomach. He looked at Roman and let out a cheerful giggle. Roman's head snapped to look at him. Janus waved him off, still smiling. "Oh, Roman. You still can't tell when I'm lying, can you?"
It took him a moment to catch up, then Roman's shoulders relaxed. He rubbed his face and said with a grin, "You're messing with me."
"Always am, dear." Janus said, with a wink. That's it. Keep it normal. Keep it cool.
Roman chuckled, shaking his head. "You really had me for a second, there."
"Couldn't help myself. I'm such a massive liar, afterall." Janus internally winced. That was not normal. Not cool. He cleared his throat and took a step back. "Anyway, I have to feed my crabs. I'll see you later?"
"Yeah." Roman leaned forward and kissed him again, quick but not painless. Janus clenched his jaw tightly and ignored the feeling in his chest. "See you later."
"Bye, love." Janus said, almost in a whisper. His chest had turned into a black hole, stealing his voice from him. He backed away, unwilling to touch again.
Roman giggled again and said to himself, "A Negative in love, that's a funny one."
Janus smiled and blew a kiss as he closed the door behind him. He turned and pressed his back against the door and slowly sank down. Janus hid his face in his hands. He took a deep breath that came out ragged.
Well. He thought. I'm never doing that again.
Janus shoved his fist in his mouth to muffle his sobs as tears spilled past his eyes. Was he really that unwanted?
"Janus?"
Janus froze at the voice. He looked up to see Logic, staring down at him with wide eyes from a few feet away. Janus bit down harder on his hand. The tears didn't stop.
Fuck.
Tell me what you think!