"Beavis!"
At the sound of his name, Beavis slowly comes to; finding himself standing in an infinite void. His only company are a set of ethereal apparitions clothed in vaguely Roman-styled tunics.
"Huh…Oh hey…heh, heh, howsitgoing? Heh."
"Do you not remember us?" Smart Butthead inquires.
"Uh…no."
"We are you, from what your primitive planet would call an alternate universe." Smart Beavis answers.
"Oh…heh, heh,…wait. I think I remember this one." Beavis said. "You're like me and Butthead but…smart or something."
"That is correct."
"Oh, uh…cool medal."
"Yes, I thank you." Smart Beavis said as his earthly counterpart phonetically fumbled through the inscription.
"I…sc…scoooorrr-ed…Oh. 'I Scored.' Cool."
"Indeed." Smart Beavis replied. "I am quite enthralled with this development myself. But the two of us have not come here to gloat of our good fortune. Smart Butthead and I are here to set right an egregious wrong."
"Uh…your species knows about consent, right?" Beavis replies defensively crossing his thigh over his genitals.
"'Egregious wrong', not 'Beavis' Schlong.'" Smart Butthead replied. "Now…come join us."
Smart Beavis and Butthead take their intellectually stymied doppelganger to a couch and television not unlike the one he and Earth Butthead spent many a time mindlessly watching TV on. Beavis emits a series of grunts in amazement over their possessions, which goes unheeded as the three of them sit down; but rather than watch the latest offerings of MTV, the screen shows Beavis sits at his desk, mindlessly scribbling on a stack of paper with a red pen.
"Oh, yeah, yeah. Van Driessen's class …uh…was it always this boring?...(one of the students in front of Beavis stares intently at him, only to turn her head back when the boy takes a break from the paper he's mesmerized with)…Hey, I think I remember that chick. She…like…wanted to kick my ass…or something."
"No Beavis. Watch."
The screen suddenly focuses on Glennis as she intently writes something on her notepaper; while admiring her handiwork, the blue-haired girl's lips curl into the faintest of smiles before she folds it carefully and flicks it at Beavis' direction.
Beavis: Whoa, it's a note.
Butthead: Hm, lemme see that, Beavis. Let's see here. Hm. ( laughs )
Beavis: Yeah, what's it say?
Butthead: Uh, it says I, and then she drew, like, a butt. ( laughs ) Uh, and I think this is, like, the bottom of a foot. Boy, she doesn't draw very good. So it says, "I kick you in the ass." ( laughs ) She's gonna kick your ass, Beavis. ( laughs )
Beavis: Wait a minute. She's gonna kick my ass? Really?
Butthead: She couldn't have said it any simpler, Beavis.
Beavis: Do you think she can kick my ass?
Butthead: She sure can, Beavis. She's a weirdo just like you. ( laughs ) She's got weirdo strength.
Beavis: Oh, no.
"Yeah, she was gonna kick my ass." Beavis said nostalgically. "Then…didn't she set the school on fire or something?"
"That she did Beavis." Smart Butthead replied. "And could you have the faintest idea as to why she might do execute such an endeavor?"
The memory from that day skips slightly forward. Beavis had been moved next to Glennis on the fraudulent claim from Butthead that his education was being hindered. Somewhere in the faintest corners of his dormant mind, he seemed to recall her drawing a band logo of some kind that she claimed was on his shirt. It looked pretty cool and she clearly put some heart into it. Their exchange wasn't lost on their teacher who now called upon his self-proclaimed "star crossed students" to each name something or someone that they love.
Glennis: Um, there is someone. But I'd rather not say.
Van Driessen: Mm-kay, that's fine. And you, Beavis? Do you have a great love in your life?
Beavis: Um, yeah, I don't really have…feelings and stuff.
Van Driessen: Come on, Beavis. There must be someone or something that you feel deeply passionate about.
Beavis: Well, yeah, um, yeah, now that you mentioned it, there kind of is actually, you know? Like, I have a love that I can't stop thinking about. And, um, and it gives me a special feeling, you know? But I never told anyone about it 'cause I was afraid they won't understand. Yeah. ( laughs )
Glennis turns her head in Beavis' direction, her breath baited in some shred of hope that he too carries a torch for her.
Van Driessen: Tell us who it is, Beavis. Be brave like Juliet.
Beavis: Um, okay. Okay, yeah, yeah. I will, yeah. I will tell you, yeah…(Glennis' mouth curls into a hopeful smirk)… Here it goes. Yeah. Um, it's fire!...(Shock constricts the blue haired girl)… Yeah, fire! Fire! ( chuckles) I love fire.
As the object of her feelings continues his profession of love for all things fire, Glennis ducks her face down, allowing the silent tears she held back to flow freely and subtly. From his spot on the couch, Beavis watches the scene play out.
"Oh yeah. I remember that day. We had to read one of those…um, book things by some dead fartknocker. And Van Driessen was going on about love or something…yeah…"
"Ok. Now let's add another life form to the mix and see what happens." Smart Beavis replies as he pulls out an elaborate remote.
"Woah! Cool!" Beavis muses as his smarter counterpart from beyond the stars fiddles with the contraption. "[You] think it can beam us some Nachos or something? I'm kinda hungry."
Sure enough, after the prodding of the appropriate buttons, the heartiest platter of nachos ever fathomed by man appears on Beavis' lap; tricolor tortilla chips, a five-cheese blend, breaded buffalo chicken ALL the toppings as well as mild salsa, sour cream and a heaping scoop of guacamole. Upon such a sight, the boy with the blonde pompadour let out an excited grunt and drooled in a way not seen since he occupied a high chair. But if that weren't amazing enough, the scene of Beavis sitting at his desk, mindlessly scribbling on a stack of paper with a red pen plays again. This time, a brown-haired girl in drab clothing in glasses occupied the desk next to him. Despite the look of unfiltered apathy on her face, she seemed to have some level of investment in the assignment.
"Hey, it's that Diarrhea chick." He said with his mouth full. "Didn't she…like…wind up in an asylum or something too?"
Neither Smart Beavis or Smart Butthead replied, but instead watched the scene play out. Once again, the screen suddenly focuses on Glennis as she intently writes something on her notepaper; while admiring her handiwork, the blue-haired girl's lips curl into the faintest of smiles before she folds it carefully and flicks it at Beavis' direction.
Beavis: Whoa, it's a note.
Daria: How observant of you Beavis.
Beavis: Yeah, what's it say?
Daria wearily takes the note from her classmate, staring back and forth between the paper's contents then at the girl who ducks down after shooting her a nasty look.
Daria: Well, let's break it down Beavis; this right here is an 'I', which is used as a pronoun in reference to one's self. Afterwards, this shape in the middle is a heart-a symbol commonly associated with this bizarre chemical reaction people experience and call 'love'. Rounding things out is another letter, 'U'. No doubt a play on the word 'you' which is defined as the one being addressed, which in this case seems to be the blonde Cro-Magnon I have the utter misfortune of sharing an educational experience with. So I'd venture to guess after using my superior powers of deduction, you good sir have, by some loose thread in the sweater of human history, managed to convince a woman that you're the man of their dreams. A paragon of peak male performance. And as such, are now in the possession of a love letter.
Beavis: (chuckles) you said 'performance' (chuckles)
Daria: Why yes, yes I did Beavis. Har. Har.
Van Driessen: Daria, something the matter back there.
The Morgendorffer girl rises slowly from her seat and slowly walks to the front of the class and takes her place at the front of the teacher's desk, as if to present a report.
Daria: Other than the daily reminder that those in charge of this asylum consider my education a joke by virtue of whom I am sitting next to on a daily basis despite my incessant and unheeded requests for a different location, I Daria Morgendorffer personally have no problem. Rather it is Beavis who seems to has the issue. And seeing as how I happen to have drawn the dual short straw of not only sharing space with him but also being his social seeing-eye dog, my academic enrichment had to come to a screeching halt for a moment so I can make it clear to him that he has managed to woo one of our female classmates.
Gasps of consternation fill the classroom as Daria holds up the paper, which causes Glennis to tense up.
Daria (cont): While I normally couldn't care less about the petty high school soap opera, and all the pining, dating, break-ups and make-ups that come with it. I'll make an exception here as I find this turn of events perplexing to say the least. Especially when you take into account that the proverbial Prince Charming in question happens to possess...(she holds up a finger for each point made)... a) the combined evolutionary progress, social graces, and maturity one can only find in an orangutan in heat, b) pyromaniacal tendencies that border on the disturbing and c) a well-documented penchant for psychotic episodes after ingesting too much sugar. Personally, I like many other life forms occupying a higher evolutionary rung may find such traits to be nauseating and deplorable. Then again I'm more than aware that I've never claimed to be the foremost representative of the fairer sex and its measurement of what makes our hearts a 'flutter. So to whatever damaged soul out there that wrote this letter, I wish you and him the best while also seeing a gilded yacht in your therapist's future.
While the Beavis on the screen chortled over Daria's use of the word 'sex', the real one set down the nachos he'd been scarfing with abandon as a feeling of self-reflection began to grip at his gut. Daria's ten-dollar words may have sailed over his head, but even he wasn't completely stupid as to not be stung by the tone in which she delivered them.
"Heh…heh…wow, uh, really layin' it thick there aren't we?" Beavis chuckled weakly.
"Indeed. We believe the earthlings call this measure 'tough love'." Smart Butthead replied. "An intervention as to the reality of the precarious situation in which you find yourself."
"Uh, wanna use words that aren't all 'college-y'?" Beavis asked.
"Fair enough." Smart Beavis obliged. "We believe your relationship with Butthead isn't helping you score. But more than that there's a lack of balance in your alliance that we find rather troubling."
Beavis wanted to protest, after all, his friendship with Butthead was the only consistent facet he could rely on in a rapidly changing world gone mad. Yet before he could articulate a rebuttal to his intelligent intergalactic counterparts, Smart Beavis' contraption is once again whipped out and prodded at.
"I sense you wish to defend your alliance. We respect that." Smart Butthead began tonelessly as his eyes remained glued to the TV set. "But ask yourself if he would do the same were he in your shoes at this moment."
That pesky feeling of self reflection only continued to intensify as Beavis watched the montage of all the times he had been on the receiving end of his friend's verbal and physical cruelty; the fish hook in the mouth, the fall off the second story roof, BOTH swarms of wasps, the supersonic kick to the testicles at the science fair…and on and on the clip show went. By the time an hour and a half had passed Beavis had reached his limit.
"Uh…guys…this isn't funny anymore. Stop."
But the earthling's pleas were lost on his intergalactic counterparts. Instead they monotonously chuckled to themselves while their attention remained glued to the screen.
"Guys! Enough!"
"Uh. HuhHuhHuh..."
"GUYS! STOP!"
"HehHehHehHehHeh…"
"GUYS!"
"STOP"
"HuhHehHuhHehHuhHehHehHuhHuhHeh"
"ENOUGH ALREADY…"
"NO MORE! NO MORE! NO MORE…"
(Back on earth)
"No more…Please…it's not funny guys…"
Bringing Beavis back to reality was a gentle grasp and shake on his shoulder. With a startled yelp, he rubs at his eyes and sees the foggy image of a blue haired girl in dark clothing looking at him with concern.
"Hi Beavis." She whispers with concern.
"Oh...Howsitgoing…" He says groggily but with a knowing smile. "Glennis right?"