Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman
A JAG Story

"But if you look at me closely you will see it in my eyes
This girl will always find her way"
-I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman, Britney Spears

Chapter One:
Spring Break

MARCH 2004

0745 EST
APARTMENT OF HARMON RABB JR
WASHINGTON DC

There had been plenty of times in Harm's life where he had been in over his head in one way or another. This time was no exception, though it was a little different from his past experiences. Now, Harm was considerably 'in too deep' and it did not involve any guns, planes, or hostage situations. This situation involved something a lot more complicated: fatherhood.

Well, "legal guardianship" was the technical term, but Harm felt as though he was doing everything for Mattie that a dad would do - that her own dad should've done. The only caveat was that Harm had no clue if he was doing the right things, or if what he was doing was enough. Mattie seemed happy enough given the circumstances, but Harm didn't know if she was putting on a front to try and make him feel better, or if she was actually having an okay time.

Even though this was the most up close and personal Harm had ever been to raising a child, he'd had his close encounters in the past. The first being with Annie Pendry.

Back in the day ("the day" being the late 80's), when he was still living on the West Coast, Harm would babysit for Annie and Luke all the time. Whenever Annie and Luke wanted a date night, Harm would be the first person they'd call. Harm didn't mind at all; Josh was a nice kid and the two of them got along well. Plus, by the age of twenty-five, Harm finally understood that women liked a man who was great with kids. That had been his ulterior motive for offering to watch Josh.

Then, when Luke Pendry tragically passed away and Harm and Annie began seeing each other (several months) after, it took a grand total of two dates before Annie started talking about having a baby with Harm. It started off innocently enough with Annie making jokes like "Oh I can't believe you haven't settled down yet," and asking questions like, "Have you ever thought about having kids?"

As time went on though, Annie tactics got a lot more pointed. After a few glasses of wine, Annie would start asking Harm questions like "Don't you think Josh would make a great older brother?" and "Have you ever thought about being a stepfather?" She would also start making comments along the lines of "Oh Harm, our baby is going to look so cute." Needless to say, she made her intentions with Harm very clear.

After Annie came Jordan. Harm and Jordan never really discussed kids aside from whether or not they wanted to have them in general; they never agreed or disagreed on whether or not they should have kids together. Harm had to give Jordan credit though, God rest her soul. Out of all of Harm's exes she probably would've made the sanest mother. Diane was a close second, and Jordan only edged her out with her psychology background.

Renee had been a breath of fresh air for Harm. She had absolutely no desire to have children and made that clear on the first date. However, there had been that one time she'd dragged Harm to a New Years Eve Party at her friend's place, got five shots of tequila deep, and started demanding that Harm "put a baby inside her." He didn't, and he was very thankful for that. Every single day.

That left Mac. Lt. Colonel Sarah Mackenzie. The woman who Harm had made a deal with in 1999 to have a baby in five years if both of them were still single. Well, Harm wasn't the best at math, but he was almost positive there was a five year difference between 1999 and 2004, and he was also fairly positive Mac was single. (Harm definitely was)

There just wasn't a way to discuss parenthood without it being awkward, and most personal conversations between Harm and Mac ended up being awkward anyway, so Harm had been stalling on any baby deal conversations. He was waiting for Mac to make the first move since she would be the one doing the most heavy lifting.

Thankfully, Harm had more to occupy his mind recently than a hypothetical baby hypothetically mothered by his coworker.

Harm had been meaning to ask Mattie if she thought he was doing a good job, but he hadn't found a good opportunity to request that status report from her. Almost three months into his guardianship, he hadn't quite mastered the 'heart-to-heart" conversations that were most vital to raising a teenager. Now certainly wasn't a good time for it. They were both in the middle of breakfast and Mattie had to be at school in thirty minutes.

Another thing Harm hadn't quite gotten the hang of when it came to parenting was trying to figure out how strict he should be, and when. As he watched Mattie eat her bowl of cereal, Harm ruminated on this.

Should I remind her that she needs to leave for school soon? Harm wondered. Or would that be too pushy? She's still eating-

Mattie checked her watch. It was a bulky, antique-looking thing that had belonged to her grandfather - that was part of the reason Harm never said anything about it, but the thing was an eyesore nonetheless. Harm wasn't up to date on the latest styles, but he wasn't blind.

"I need to head to school soon," she said, looking up at Harm.

Harm sighed in relief, thankful that she had brought it up and not him.

School wasn't even the worst of his worries - Harm already had knots in his stomach about what he was going to do for Mattie's birthday, which was in late June - it was the middle of March.

An even more immediate concern of Harm's was spring break, which was in the middle of March. In fact, today was Mattie's last day of school before her spring break started, and Harm didn't know what to do about it. Should he have taken off work? Planned some kind of vacation? (as if he had time for that)

I am going TAD to the Henry next Thursday. Harm thought, Should I tell her that it's okay if she wants to have friends over while I'm gone? Throw a party maybe? Or should I act like I don't want her to do anything she isn't supposed to do while I'm gone? Use some reverse psychology.

"Harm, I really need to get to school."

"Okay, I'm ready whenever you are," Harm told her with a confident smile. He was indeed ready - he was already in uniform and had finished his breakfast twenty minutes ago. After that he just watched Mattie eat and tried his best not to start spiraling.

Harm jumped up the minute Mattie stood to take her cereal bowl to the sink, causing his chair's legs to screech against the kitchen tile. Mattie turned to look at him with wide eyes. "Are you okay?" she asked, gingerly sitting her cereal bowl in the sink.

"Yeah," Harm nodded hastily. "I was just…" he looked around himself for an excuse. "Ready to go, that's all," he finished lamely, offering Mattie another convincing smile.

"Okay, then….let's go?" Mattie reached for her backpack hanging off the back of her chair, slipping it onto one shoulder.

"Sure yeah, let me just grab my keys-"

"Here are your keys," Mattie said, picking Harm's key chain up from the counter and tossing it to him.

"Alright. Now I just need my cover…" Harm said, looking around himself. He could've sworn he'd sat it down…somewhere.

"It's right here," Mattie replied. She picked it up from the shelf by the door, where Harm had tossed it the night before when he'd gotten home.

"Oh, thanks," Harm said, taking the cover from Mattie and putting it on before he managed to lose it again.

Great. I'm falling apart right in front of her, Harm thought bitterly, I'm setting such a good example.

Double checking to make sure his keys were in his pocket so they wouldn't walk away from him, Harm opened the front door. "Alright, do you have everything-"

"Harm, you forgot your briefcase."

"Shit-sorry," Harm recovered quickly, giving Mattie an apologetic look as he ducked back inside.

Mattie sighed, leaning against the doorframe and crossing her arms. "It's okay," she told him. "I've heard cuss words before. I'll live."

She received no reply, Harm being too busy rummaging through his entire loft in search of his briefcase. Finally, Mattie realized he wasn't going to find it on his own. "You left it behind the sofa!" she called.

He's falling apart right in front of me, she thought, At least he's trying, though.

THAT SAME TIME
DULLES INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT
STERLING, VIRGINIA

By far one of the oddest things that reminded Mac of her breakup with Mic was Britney Spears. It wasn't because her or Mic liked Britney Spears, or because Britney Spears played any significance in their relationship, but rather because she had been Chloe's favorite singer at the time. Mac, who now had a sense of humor about her time spent with Mic, liked to think that Britney had been the soundtrack to their breakup.

For the entire two weeks that Chloe was in town for Mac's wedding that never ended up happening, the only music that Chloe played were songs by Britney Spears…that meant the only music Mic and Mac listened to were songs by Britney Spears. It was all they listened to in the car when they drove Chloe somewhere, all they listened to on Mac's stereo in the living room, all Mic and Mac got to hear when Chloe would sing in the shower.

About mid-way through the second week, a couple of days before the rehearsal dinner when everything went to shit, Mic had cornered Mac in the kitchen with plans of staging an intervention.

"If I have to hear Baby One More Time one more time, I'm going to move out," he told her - at the time, Mic moving out had been an empty threat. Mac never thought she'd get rid of him.

"Well Baby, I would guess you're going to have to hear it at least One More Time," Mac had replied - and she had been correct.

As fate would have it, Mic did end up moving out, but it wasn't because of Britney Spears - or any other pop icon, for that matter.

That morning Mac was waiting at the airport to pick up Chloe, who was coming to visit for her spring break. Chloe had somehow been able to convince her grandma to let her skip a day of school so she could arrive in DC a day early, flying in Friday morning instead of Saturday.

"Because we never do anything in class the day before a break, anyway," Chloe had justified.

Her skipping school to arrive a day early should've been proof enough that she missed Mac and was excited to come down, but Mac couldn't help but be worried. Chloe hadn't been down to visit in almost three years, her last visit being the Christmas after Mac broke things off with Mic. Those years had gone by in a flash for Mac, and she was sure they had gone by even faster for Chloe.

Mac knew from experience that a girl went through a lot of changes between thirteen and sixteen. A lot.

What if she doesn't think I'm cool anymore? Mac wondered as she waited for Chloe with all the other people waiting to pick up their loved ones. What if I'm now this weird mother/sister/aunt figure that she feels obligated to visit because I technically have no other family?

Usually Mac was not one to seek validation from others, let alone teenagers, but with Chloe, it was different. Chloe's father, who was still overseas, hadn't found the time to remarry, and Chloe's grandmother was in her late-70's, so Mac was really the only one in Chloe's life that she could turn to when it came to seeking advice on how to navigate being a teenage girl. Back when they first got paired together through that program and finally got past the rough first weeks where Chloe would refuse to cooperate on anything, Chloe wouldn't hesitate to tell anyone they met that Mac was actually her mother.

After the first few times this happened, Mac had tried to tell Chloe that she was too young to be her mother, but then she had quickly done the math in her head and realized that she was old enough to be Chloe's mother. That was something that had made her feel incredibly, undeniably old. That had also been six years ago, when Mac was thirty-one. Now that Mac was steadily on the downward slope towards forty, she wanted desperately to tell her thirty-one-year-old-self that she had no fucking idea what being old felt like.

The endometriosis diagnosis Mac had received two weeks ago certainly didn't help things. Now Chloe was probably the closest thing Mac would have to a child - and thankfully she was using her spring break to visit, so Mac would have something else to focus on besides her withering reproductive system.

Mac checked her watch. Chloe said she would be landing at 0815, and it was now nearing 0900. She'd told the Admiral that she would only need to take the morning off, and time was slowly ticking away-

Just like my biological alarm clock, Mac thought suddenly.

Soon enough though, Mac recognized a face in the middle of the crowd of departing passengers. Chloe looked different, but she was still Chloe.

"Hey, you!" Mac greeted, opening her arms for a hug that she hoped Chloe wasn't too much a cool teenager to dodge.

Thankfully, she wasn't. Chloe beamed, waving at Mac as she made her way over to her. "Hi!" she promptly dropped her carry on and accepted Mac's hug. She was much than Mac remembered.

"How was your flight?" Mac asked, looking down and noticing that Chloe was blonde now.

"It was fine," Chloe replied as she and Mac separated. Mac also noticed that Chloe was wearing a lot more pink than Mac had ever remembered her wearing.

There was also a tiny stud piercing poking out of Chloe's left nostril - that was also new. Very new and very shocking.

"I'm super tired, though," Chloe continued before Mac could acknowledge any of the changes she noticed. "Can we get some coffee? Oh wait, you're in uniform. Do you need to be at work soon? Because you can just like, drop me off at the mall or something - Look at my nails? Do you like them? Look at how they sparkle - see they catch the light? I also got highlights for the summer - this isn't natural-"

Mac smiled. Her appearance might've changed, but Chloe was just as chatty as she had always been - something that made Mac unreasonably happy.

"Yes, I have to be at work, but yes we also have time to go get coffee," Mac told her with a laugh. "You can also hang out in my office for today if you want, I don't have that much going on."

Chloe paused. "Oh…"

Mac's smile dimmed. "Unless you really want to go to the mall, I could drop you off. We could catch up over dinner. That Italian place that we both like is still around-"

"No it's okay, I can hang out at the office," Chloe said, picking up her bag.

"Are you sure?" Mac asked, now frowning.

"Yeah," Chloe nodded, her tone seemingly neutral.

I shouldn't have said that, Mac scolded herself, I should've just dropped her off at the mall and kept my mouth shut.

"You're positive?"

Chloe laughed. "It's fine Mac. I promise I won't climb on top of the elevator this time."

The joke made Mac laugh, but it did little to assuage her anxiety. As she walked Chloe to her car, Mac couldn't stop the worst possible thought from crossing her mind:

Oh my god, she doesn't think I'm cool anymore.

Wow, look at me! Uploading something new. Who would've thought?

Basically, as you read in the summary, this is my attempt at fixing the train wreck that was Season 9. I know opinions are not facts, but I think it's agreed upon by many that Season 9 is not one of JAG's more beloved seasons. In my personal ranking, Seasons 9 and 10 tend to duke it out for last place, but I usually put 9 as the worst just because...Mac dated Webb in Season 9, and in Season 10 that didn't happen. But then again Season 10 didn't have the Admiral and also had that weird thing between Mac and Vuckovic...so nevermind, maybe I haven't made up my mind on which JAG season is the worst after all.

But that's not the point of this story. I wanted to write this story because I felt like Mattie's whole storyline needed to go in a different direction. I know that Mattie, like the season in which she was introduced, is not one of JAG's most beloved characters and that her story arc on the show was kind of pointless filler. But I wanted to change that. When I think back to Harm and Mattie's storyline, I feel like it had the potential to be something a lot more impactful than what it was. I also think making Chloe and Mattie friends was a big missed opportunity, but I understand that it might not have necessarily been possible. That's the beauty of Fanfiction: you can make whatever you want happen, happen.

And this story seemed like too fun of an idea to pass up. It gave me an excuse to do a stroll down memory lane and reminisce about the beauty that was the early 2000's. Boy what a time that was. What a time. I also took the liberty of naming this fic after one of the most underrated Britney Spears songs of all time...no need to thank me :)

Thanks for reading!

-Harper