A/N: I'll have an explanation (or attempt at one) for my 4 year long disappearance on my profile. Anyways, hope you guys are still following this story and enjoy this very, VERY long awaited chapter.
Deep breath in.
One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Hold.
One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Five.
Six.
Seven.
Exhale.
One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Five.
Six.
Seven.
Eight.
I slowly opened my eyes, blinking away small, stinging tears, and took in the deep brown of the walls, various diplomas and certificates hanging from them.
"What do you see, Michelle?" Ms. Tory asked.
"I see...your awards. Certificates. Printed on a cream-colored paper, embroidered on the edges with a green foil. They're hanging off the dark oak walls of your office. I'm in your office right now." I replied.
"Good. What do you feel?"
"I feel the slightly chilly air of the office, and the starchy, rough texture of the seat."
"Good. Are you ready to talk about what happened?"
"I..." I paused.
Was I ready? Ready to re-live it again, like I had so many times before?
"Yes."
"Okay." Ms. Tory said softly. "Whenever you're ready."
I took in a deep breath, gathering the remaining threads of anxiety into a ball, and exhaled, expelling the feeling.
"It was a Monday morning. A cold chill was in the air, but that was to be expected- it was the middle of January. I had just walked outside my home to greet my best friend, Satori...
"But he wasn't there. He wasn't always there, sure. There were days where he was sick or woke up late, but I was...worried. Especially after what happened the previous Friday."
"What happened the previous Friday?" Ms. Tory interjected, her voice barely above a whisper.
"He opened up to me, about his struggles with depression, his low self-worth, and..." I trailed off into a pause. Ms. Tory said nothing.
"And how he deeply he felt for me."
"That I might like you more than you like me..."
"I like you so much that I want to die! That's how I feel!"
The words echoed in Satori's voice, the despair, the helplessness clutching my soul with jagged claws.
It's funny. How the tables turned so drastically, so completely...
"What did you do, Michelle, in response to his confession?" Ms. Tory said, her gentleness bringing me back.
"I did what I thought was best, at the time. He was going through something I thought I could never truly understand, so I didn't want to thrust new and stressful emotions onto him. I told I would always be his dearest friend, that he needed a rock to keep him stable. I would help to put things back to the way they were."
I felt tears pricking the corners of my eyes, and a lump form in my throat.
"And he..." I stifled a hick, and took a deep, snotty breath through my nose, composing myself ever so slightly.
Keep it together Michelle. It's okay. You're okay.
"He looked so...desperate. Desperate for something, anything, to make the rainclouds go away, and all he got was me, making it into a hurricane." I trailed off, feeling my body begin to spasm, the dam that held back the pain, sorrow, and regret breaking.
Ms. Tory let me cry, until the sobs turned into sniffles.
"How did he respond, Michelle?" She asked calmly.
"I...I broke him. He smiled, laughed, screamed. Cried. Then he ran away. And I just..." The dam threatened to break again.
It's okay. You're okay. Deep breaths. 4-7-8.
"Michelle, you shouldn't blame yourself for how he reacted. You did what you truly thought was the right choice. The action you took was sound- he was going through a very tough time in his life, and you promised to help him carry the burden." Ms. Tory spoke.
"It may have been exceptionally painful for him in the moment, but the position you took in his life was one he needed."
"I..." I trailed off, absorbing Ms. Tory's words.
She's...she's right. I made the right choice, even if I regret the pain I caused him.
Before I could speak further, I heard the bell ring, signaling the end of the class period.
"You've made a great deal of progress over this past week, Michelle. Be proud of yourself. And remember- you made the sound choice." Ms. Tory said.
"Of course . Thank you." I said, standing from the small seat.
"Next week, if you are ready, we can discuss the events of Monday a bit further." She said, eyeing me with a small, hopeful smile.
"I can try." I said simply.
Her smile widened, her eyes maintaining the same gentle warmth she always possessed.
"Of course. That's all I ever will ask. Remember the grounding technique I taught you for refocusing and breaking the dissociation spiral. Now do get to going, I don't want you to be late getting to the Literature Club."
I left out of Ms. Tory's small office, stopping to seeing the small plaque on the wall outside of the door, reading "Student Body Mental Health Counselor".
Thank you, Ms. Tory, for the help so far.
"Mmmph!?"
I felt a warm, soft, tight grasp quickly envelop me before I could turn back around. The scent of cinnamon invaded my nose, and a small wave of coral pink hair hung in my vision.
"How did you do? Are you feeling better? Is everything okay? Oh gosh, I'm so-" I cut Satori's rambling off.
"Satori, it's okay! I'm fine, I promise! You don't have to worry so much about me." I giggled as Satori and I waddled out of the main office area, and began down the hall.
Yeah...he shouldn't worry about a waste of space like me...
We were bound together, his arms crossed over the top of my chest, resting in front of my neck in a loose embrace.
So close...yet so far...
He let out of a huff, tinged with slight annoyance.
"Don't say that...I'm always going to worry about you Michelle. I care about you, and...that stuff you said was really scary." Satori's tone deepened with worry.
"You sound like...like me, 3 years ago. When I..."
Oh no...I can't let him spiral.
We slowed to a stop as Satori trailed off. I felt my heart drop, and held onto one of Satori's arms tightly.
"Sa-" I began, but he cut me off.
"No! Don't...I don't think I...I ever apologized." I could hear his voice wavering, prompting tears to form in my eyes.
Stop...
"Apologized for ever putting you in that position...I should've-"
STOP!
"NO! DON'T! Do NOT..." I stuttered out, my voice muffled by Satori's arms.
"Do NOT apologize! You don't, no, you shouldn't apologize for that. You were in...so, so much pain, Satori..." The warm paths of tears began to trail down my face, soaking into Satori's blazer sleeve.
"So much pain that I didn't see, didn't feel..." I felt my chest start heaving slightly.
"I'm sorry, Satori. For not noticing sooner. I should've seen it or heard it or-" Satori clutched me tighter, and I stopped.
Should've done more, more than the nothing...no, the pain I inflicted.
"Nuh-uh. No. It's not your fault either Michelle. It's...it's no-one's." I looked up, burying the top of my head into Satori's chest to look up at him.
2 watery, sky-blue sapphires shone back.
I felt my face heat up, and I reached a hand up to his face, wiping a tear away with my thumb.
I watched as his hurt gaze morphed into a calm, trance-like one as my hand made contact. I rested my open palm on his cheek. Steadying myself, I spoke.
"Satori, you mean the absolute world to me. There's..." I felt my voice almost give out, failing from the anxious bubbles in my chest, but I kept going.
"There's nothing else, no one else in my life that even comes close to your value. You know that, right? I'm...sorry. Sorry for ever inflicting any pain on you, even if it was unintentional, even if I was unknowingly doing it. I..."
Satori said nothing, but the warm, red blush rising on his face told me more than any sentence.
In that moment...
Say it. Do it now. Or forever hold your peace.
"...Satori...I-"
"Natsuri! Wait! I'm sure they only got caught up in something impor-"
"THERE YOU TWO ARE!"
I brought my hand down quickly and jerked my head back forward, looking to see...
"Wait, wait WAIT! YOU'RE GOING TOO FA-" I held up my arms in a meager resistance, but it was no use.
Natsuri crashed into me and Satori, knocking all three of us to the ground in a pile of flailing, swearing bodies.
"Oh, now look at what you've done Natsuri!" Said Yuki, who had been tailing behind an angry, now VERY angry Natsuri.
"OHH WILL YOU PUT A SOCK IN IT 'TALL PURPLE AND HANDSOME'!? These two are late for the most IMPORTANT meeting we've had for weeks! I won't stand...for this..." Natsuri's insulted, childish voice died out, and once I managed to pull my head from Satori's arms, I saw why.
Yuki looked...
"Ha...handsome?" He stuttered out, a red hue settling across his face. He was currently twiddling a section of his ponytail in between his ring and middle finger, while looking out from his side at Natsuri.
I looked over to Natsuri, who's face was going from anger, to shock, and now to embarrassment. He began to grit his teeth, but it did little to stop the warm redness from streaking across his face.
"I-I didn't mean...it-it wasn't..." Natsuri was the stuttering fool now, trying to quickly get to his feet. I side-eyed Satori, who side-eyed me. The faintest of smiles now plastered on both of our faces.
"What DID you mean by that, Natsuri?" Satori gently prodded, the smile turning into a shit-eating grin.
"Yeah, it almost sounded like..." I trailed off, making a low, quizzical hum.
Messing with Natsuri, just like old times.
I saw Natsuri's eyes widen, his pupils shrink, and his lips rise to give way to his signature, angry teeth gnashing as he stood, looking over his shoulder at us, then back to Yuki.
"You two better...You're just...argghhh!" He began to storm off, until-
"'Tall, Purple and Handsome'? Do you...really think of me like that?" Yuki said, timidly, his long ponytail intertwined his in fingers. A small, almost unnoticeable smile crept on his lips.
Natsuri stopped dead in his tracks, looking up at the tall, imposing, timid and meek figure, who was currently attempting to hide behind his hair.
Natsuri said nothing, only looked up, mouth agape, lips moving like his brain was trying to find the script his heart wrote.
"Natsuri...can we...talk?" Yuki said, his bashful gaze settling on Natsuri's stunned face.
I could feel the tension rising in the air, growing thick enough to cut with a knife.
I lightly jabbed Satori, who took the opportunity to rise quickly and quietly, while I followed close behind.
We said nothing on our short walk to the literature club, but my mind was racing.
Was I really about to confess? Just like that?
He looked so...peaceful. What would he have said? How would he respond?
...
...
No. He would've said no.
"...Hey Michelle. Are you okay?" Satori snapped me out of my thoughts.
"Oh, yeah...I'm good. Just...thinking..." I trailed off.
"Thinking about...about how funny Natsuri looked?" Satori said, finishing my statement, and flashing a million dollar smile.
"Hehe, yeah. He looked so flustered when Yuki call that name cute." I responded.
Thank you, Satori, for letting me dodge that one.
I slid open the door to the clubroom and entered, taking in the newly put up decorations- tissue paper pom-poms and spirals hung from the ceiling, and imagery of papyruses and cutesy notes were taped to the walls.
Moniko was sat at the front of the room, looking down and staring off into space, unblinking, only moving once he heard me begin to speak.
"Wow, the clubroom looks...really good!" I smiled.
"Thank you Michelle! Natsuri and Yuki did most of the work, but I tried my best to give input when needed. Speaking of which, where are the duo?" Moniko said, approaching me and Satori.
"Uhh...settling their...grievances?" I stumbled through that lame attempt at an excuse, but Moniko gave me a knowing look.
"Ah, I understand. It was bound to happen eventually." Moniko said, a small open mouthed smile setting itself on his face.
"I've already given them the rundown for our rooms- we couldn't get 4 separate rooms, unfortunately, but we got 2 extras! So, I've given Natsuri and Yuki one, and you and Satori one! I'll be running administration and support staff between the two rooms.
"In accordance with this, I've modified our plan slightly. Instead of just individual themes, you will also have a combined theme for your room, so I would recommend you begin your planning phase." Moniko ran down a small note he prepared, his finger trailing down it like a list.
A combined theme? That sounds...
"Amazing! I love the changes Moniko! They're amazing!" Satori beamed. I looked over to see that all too familiar childlike happiness on his face. The wide, excited eyes, the open mouth smile, the way it looks his hair practically glows...
Oh jeez, I'm so lovely dovey dumb.
"I'm glad you think so, Satori." Moniko gives a constrained, yet still very much sincere smile back.
"Oh! And one more thing! Here's the key for your room." Moniko hands me a room key, with a small label chained to it. 307.
"With that, you two are dismissed. Do get started on brainstorming your ideas for your room, and try to have your general ideas worked out by the end of next week." Moniko turned on a heel, and hit his signature pose- pivoted at the hips and bent over slightly.
"And have a good weekend!"
I blinked once. Twice.
"Y-you too, Moniko..." I sheepishly said, walking out of the door with Satori bringing up the rear.
As we walked, Satori pulled my arm, making me stop.
"Sat-" He interrupted me.
"...Let's go check out the room we got." He said, his normal cheery tone replaced with...monotony. Flat, neutral monotony.
"Uh...sure? You alright?" I said, letting him pull me towards the staircase.
He said nothing, simply pulling me along until I caught up next to him. We went up a level, and I tried to get a look at his face, but it betrayed no emotion. Just a blank slate.
I felt my anxiety begin to rise, an ever and always familiar lump of pure, dark dread forming in my gut.
Is he angry with me? Did I do something wrong? A boundary, a touch? Was is the event in the hallway? Fucking Christ, I'm such an id-
"We're here." His flat tone cracked through the thought swirling in my head, and I heard the door get unlocked.
When did he...
I shook my head, and entered the room after he motioned for me to walk in.
Flicking the lights on, I panned my view around the room. Small, but doable for any ideas Satori and I could have. A small closet lay in the back right corner of the room, reminiscent of our old clubroom, back in freshman year.
But those memories could wait. I turned on my heel, facing Satori as he walked in behind me.
"Satori? What's going on? You seem a little off." I said, looking for any reaction, any acknowledgement of me speaking.
Satori said nothing, turned, and closed the door behind us.
An oppressive silence fell over us, a completely different atmosphere than what usually follows.
God, just say something, please...
"Hehe, Satori...you're kinda sca-" He cut me off.
"What was that? In the hallway, earlier? And in the clubroom, when you were looking at me?" He didn't turn around, saying the words into the now closed door.
"...What?" I stuttered out.
"What. Was. That?" He said, turning, now showing a face of anger, two small tear trails going down his face. I felt my blood run cold in my veins, and any sound I could've made get stuck in my throat.
Oh...oh no...
A/N: Alright guys, and that's chapter 5! I'll try to get the next one out by the end of January! I'm going off the rails with the pre-plan I had made before I ever started the fic, so we'll see where everyone ends up at the end! Hope you guys liked it. Remember to follow and favorite if you enjoyed and want to see more updates.