25: Abstinence and the Heart

Rikku sat on the bank of the Moonflow watching the pyreflies gather near her bare feet, which were drifting through the water. The sun had disappeared below the horizon and the river was beginning to work its magic. The effect of the ethereal light the pyreflies gave off was multiplied by the reflective moonlilies, amplifying their silver glow so that it looked as though the stars themselves had fallen out of the sky.

Auron had ordered them to make camp; ferry service had begun as soon as the shoopuf woke from its nap, despite the damage done to the landing point. It hadn't mattered much; with the last of their money gone, there was no way to pay the crossing fare. There was no way to pay for dinner, either, for that matter. She scowled; she'd been looking forward to having something other than the Guado's uniquely seasoned jerky. Now they couldn't even toss gil to see who would have to spend the night fiend-hunting in order earn the money needed to continue the Pilgrimage.

They'd drawn river-reeds instead. Jecht, of course, hadn't been included in the pool.

Personally, Rikku thought she should have donned her Lady Luck costume for the contest. Then she might not have come up with the shortest reed. She planted a hand into her cheek and rolled her eyes over to her assigned duty for the night. I'd so rather be hunting fiends right now.

As if he could feel her stare, Jecht turned his head, his back hunched as he rode out the remaining effects of his inebriation. "So..."

Rikku frowned. "Did you say something? Because I thought Auron told you to keep it zipped!"

Jecht grimaced and fell silent – for a few blissfully short moments. "Did I really almost kill you and that blue guy?"

"He's a Hypello, and yes, you almost killed him." She snuck a peek at Jecht. He looked pretty haggard, even for a guy with a hangover. And, she noticed, he hadn't actually spoken in his usual lazy slur. A mild feeling of guilt struck her; she knew Jecht wasn't as much of an idiot as he appeared to be. Then again, his redeeming qualities only shone through when he was sober, which, as of late, was becoming a rare thing. Now, however, seemed to be one of those moments. Rikku relented; he'd get enough grief from Auron later, that much was certain. "As for me... well, that was more the shoopuf."

Jecht turned around and looked at her, his face serious. "So that big thing was a shoopuf, right? And I hurt it bad?"

Struck by his tone, Rikku pulled her feet out of the water and scooted around to face him. "Braska healed it, you know. Good as new!"

Jecht's head sunk, allowing his unkempt hair to cast his face into shadows. "I never hurt anyone before. I mean 'sides myself. No matter how bad I got, I never..." He trailed off, and Rikku waited, watching a myriad of expressions cross Jecht's face. Pain. Denial. Shame. "... maybe that ain't right. My... my boy would tell me to give it up, and I'd always say, tomorrow, tomorrow, I'll do it tomorrow." He stopped and brought a hand to his face, and Rikku averted her eyes.

When Jecht spoke again, his voice was low and thick. "He's the one who's really been hurtin' all this time, ain't he?"

"I'm sure Tidus will understand you one day." Rikku tried to give him an encouraging smile, but Jecht wouldn't meet her gaze. "I mean, you're his dad. He knows you love him."

"He's always cryin' and sayin' he hates me. Nothin' but a big crybaby..." His voice cracked.

Rikku balled her fists together, feeling another twinge of pity. Jecht was alone; more alone than any of them had realized.

Still thinking of only yourself? Bahamut had asked her. Looking at the broken man before her, Rikku felt ashamed. She'd spent so much time spent lamenting over her own displacement she'd nearly forgotten that Jecht came from a completely different world – a world that wasn't even real. At least she had the comfort of knowledge; nothing about Spira was familiar or comforting to Jecht. Nothing except perhaps Blitzball and alcohol.

Even with his brawny appearance, he was still very much a boy being forced to grow up on the fly. He'd been so pleased with himself just for defeating the Ochu, and Rikku realized it was more than simple pride. Jecht wasn't used to fighting; he wasn't used to being unknown and unpopular. He didn't have anyone to rely on except them – and they'd relegated him to the group liability, just as Auron had predicted. Everyone except Braska, who always stood alone to do the right thing.

"Hey, come on, now," Rikku said. "So what if you don't have a good relationship with your kid? I don't get along with my father or my brother very often, either. But you know... every time Brother says 'Rikku, you are so annoying!' I know what he's really saying is that he loves me. Maybe it's the same for your son. He just doesn't know how to tell you."

Jecht sniffed gruffly and swiped a hand over his face, pretending to adjust his bandana. "Yeah... I dunno... maybe. But I wanna go back. I wanna tell him myself."

Rikku looked at her toes helplessly. "You'll see him again, I know it." But you can't go back, you can't ever go back.

"I guess." He looked up, squinting at her. "So, that your name? Rikku?"

Rikku's head snapped up, her eyes wide. "Oh! Uh-uh-uhhh... actually, what I meant was – !"

Jecht shook his head and laughed. "Forget about it. You ain't real smooth. I figure everybody here knows you've been hidin' your real name by now."

Rikku let out a sharp sigh of relief. "You mean you won't tell Braska?"

"You got your reasons," he said, shrugging. "Not my business."

Rikku tilted her head. "Then why'd you ask?"

Jecht rubbed the back of his neck, cracking it with a loud pop. "Well... like you said. I nearly killed ya. I figure I should at least know who you are before I go and do somethin' like that again."

Smiling, Rikku flopped to her back and watched the pyreflies twisting through the air. "Don't tell me you're planning to try and kill me again later on. That's Auron's job, you know. With poison or something when I get too annoying, I bet."

"Naw, he'll just throttle ya," Jecht said with a tired smirk. "Auron don't beat around the bush." He paused. "And ya don't have to worry, anyhow. He's gonna be too busy tryin' to kill me for the rest of this trip instead."

Rikku reached up and let a pyrefly settle on, then glide through, her finger. "Braska won't let him."

"Yeah... Braska..." Jecht fell into a melancholy silence, and Rikku kicked herself for her lack of tact. He surprised her, though, by continuing to speak. "He's the only one who still believes in me." Then he coughed. "Uh, well... no offense, Blondie."

"None taken." Rikku smiled. "You're right, though, Braska's different. I guess that's why he's the summoner and we're not. He's just... better than us."

Jecht snorted. "Takes a goddamn martyr to be a summoner, huh?"

You don't know how right you are, Rikku thought.

The silence stretched between them as the sky grew darker. The pyreflies had multiplied over the river and were shining brightly enough to do away with the need for a fire. Rikku reflected on the man sitting a few feet away from her; even with Tidus as one of her closest friends, she still knew so little about Jecht. After everything he had done for them, the sacrifices he would make for Tidus and all of Spira, she didn't believe in him. He's not that man yet, she reminded herself. And Auron still didn't trust him either, right?

Auron's behavior... he's so pissed off most of the time. Always looking for something – or someone – to fight. At first he'd targeted her; understandable, considering how much they'd annoyed each other. Then there was that argument with Braska. And now this. If she was honest with herself, Rikku really didn't see how Auron would ever bring himself to forgive Jecht. She rolled onto her stomach and propped her chin in her palm, studying the river. A frown quirked her lips. What was making him so angry?

Maybe they were all struggling with loneliness, in their own separate ways. Jecht and his family, Braska and the Pilgrimage... what demon was Auron facing that caused him to cut himself off from the rest of them every time they started to bond? Was it even her place to try and dig it up? Rikku dropped her head onto the ground and groaned; all this thinking was making her brain hurt.

" 'ey, quit complainin', I'm hungry, too," Jecht said, interrupting her thoughts.

Rikku huffed. "I wasn't thinking about food. I was thinking about Auron, for your information."

Jecht winced. "I'm tryin' not to do that." He let out a rough laugh. " 'Sides, how can you think 'bout the Stiff when you got a superstar all to yourself tonight?"

Well, on the one hand Jecht seemed to be feeling well enough to make jokes again. On the other hand, it was Jecht. "I'd fantasize about Auron over you any day," she said, stifling a yawn. "Besides, your ego's big enough to stroke itself."

"Oi!" Jecht grumbled, puffing out his chest. "I'll have you know I'm the best blitzer in Zanarkand! No woman can resist my charms!"

Rikku smirked to herself. "I did have a crush on Tidus once, but I figure that's because he lucked out and got his mom's genes." Well, except mentally, she added with a snigger.

"Oh, really?" Jecht continued nonchalantly. "What's so special 'bout my boy anyway?"

Rikku thought about her previous Pilgrimage with a feeling of nostalgia. "Well, for one he's blond. That's a big plus for most Al Bhed, you know. And even if he is kinda stupid, he's still got a good personality. He doesn't swear half as much as you do, and he's definitely better with a sword." She giggled to herself as she thought of some of Tidus' more fanciful attacks; how he managed to combine Blitzball with sword fighting and still make it look graceful was a mystery.

"I see."

Rikku's eyes snapped open. She sat up so quickly she nearly blacked out. "Wait! How did you – I mean, I wasn't really talking about your son –" It was too late; the damage was done. Jecht was sitting very still, staring at her with eyes that burned like lit coal.

"Tidus ain't blond," he said.

Rikku struggled with her words, trying to find an explanation, a clever way to patch up her mistake. And for once, her quick mind was failing her. It was too difficult, keeping track of all the lies, of which memories were okay to share and which were too dangerous. She fought with herself, sweating under Jecht's scrutiny, before finally wilting.

"He isn't yet," she mumbled, drawing her legs into her chest.

The tension grew as Jecht continued to stare at her. Finally, he broke the silence. "How? How can you know? It's like I thought, ain't it? You're from Zanarkand, too!"

Rikku rocked back and forth. She made the mistake of looking up, and felt something inside her tearing at the look of hope written across Jecht's face. She squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head, then dropped her face towards her knees.

Jecht's voice was confused. "But... all this stuff about Zanarkand bein' destroyed a thousand years ago... we're from the past, ain't we? Time travelers? 'Cept... you've seen my boy. My Tidus, all grown up, right?"

"It's not that simple," Rikku said. "You're partially right." About her own time bending story, maybe. But she couldn't tell him that he wasn't even real; that he and his son were nothing more than the Fayth's dreams. Jecht was still waiting for her to continue, she knew, and she pressed her lips together and let the silence speak in her stead.

That, too, was an answer, and eventually Jecht seemed to realize it. He sat back and rubbed his head. "... just tell me this. Were you lyin' to me? Just now? Am I ever gonna see my wife and son again?"

Rikku peeked out over her knees; Jecht wasn't even looking at her, his gaze focused on the river of light instead. "I know you'll reach Tidus again. Stop asking me! Just believe in yourself for once."

Jecht studied the pyreflies, his expression unusually solemn. "It... feels different here. Not like back home." He looked at her with a small, sad grin. "Maybe I'm the one that's changin'," he concluded, more to himself.

.x.x.x.

The bright morning sun greeted them, and Rikku smiled, allowing herself a luxurious stretch. It had been a long evening, but she felt lighter, happier than she had before. At first, she'd been scared and angry that Jecht had flushed out her secret, but now all she really felt was relief. A least a part of the increasingly-complex web of lies she'd spun had been torn away, and it made her feel free, as though it was a chance for a fresh start.

They'd made camp directly next to the Moonflow; looking out across the slowly flowing river. Rikku observed the remnants of the previous night's pyrefly gathering dissipate over the water. So pretty, she thought with a small sigh. In a way, she was almost thankful for Jecht's blunder; seeing the Moonflow at night was a rare and precious memory she intended to keep close to her heart.

"Hey, that's right! I don't have to keep it just for me!" Sitting up a little straighter, Rikku rolled over and dug through her pack. With a squeal of happiness, she pulled out the empty sphere she'd found. "Yes!"

"Ugh," came a low, rumbling groan from the bedroll next to hers. "Must you always be so loud?"

"Oops! Sorry Auron," Rikku whispered. It had been a late night for both him and Braska; they hadn't returned until long after Jecht had dropped off and Rikku's own head was beginning to nod. The two men had gathered enough for the ferry, but they both looked worse for the wear. She glanced over to the other side of the camp and saw Jecht sprawled across the ground, dead to the world. Guess I'm on my own this morning...

Smiling to herself, Rikku scrambled to her feet and switched on the recorder. She panned the sphere slowly for a wide shot of the river and then froze as Braska's back came into view. Wasn't he out all night? What's he doing up this early? She opened her mouth to ask, but stopped when she noticed he wasn't moving. Without even a breeze to ruffle his robes, he looked like the statue that would one day grace Yevon's temples alongside the other fallen summoners.

He stood there, still and silent for so long that Rikku eventually put the recorder away in defeat. Then, cautiously, she approached him.

"Umm, Braska?"

"It's a beautiful sight, isn't it?" Braska said by way of greeting. "The pyreflies, rising out of the river like that. They give me hope."

Rikku looked at the river curiously. "Hope?" she asked.

"Did you know that I was once a missionary for Yevon?" Braska continued. "This is not the first time I've been here." He smiled. "Auron was my guide then, too."

Auron? "But... you were trying to convert the Al Bhed, weren't you?"

Braska laughed. "Oh, I am a bit more well-travelled than that. Besides, Auron himself told me the Al Bhed were a lost cause. His judgments are usually right."

Rikku scratched her head, curiosity overcoming her. "So why didn't you listen to him, then?"

"Auron's world view is very practical. When he sees a weakness, he either removes it, exploits it, or avoids it. A missionary priest can not afford to have that attitude. The foundation of Yevon's faith is hope, despite what may appear to be insurmountable odds." He paused. "Even now, Auron sees Jecht as a weakness and he would seem correct in his assessment. By all rights and logic we should cast Jecht off. But…"

So he sees it, too. "You want to save them," Rikku finished. "Both of them." She couldn't help the small twinge of jealousy in her breast; what had been a revelation for her last night was already a lifetime crusade for Braska. It was foolish to be envious, she knew; the two men had been friends for years. Of course Braska would know more about Auron's mindset than she would.

"In his own way, Auron is as limited as Jecht," Braska continued. "He has come to believe that hope is a crutch, that it makes one weak. I was hoping meeting you would be able to change him, but I find it increasingly difficult to stand by and let go..." He paused uncomfortably and kept his eyes fixed on the horizon. "... of my own feelings."

Rikku stiffened beside him, and Braska spoke quickly to reassure her.

"No, no. It's all right. You were quite clear on how you feel about Auron. That is not the reason we were arguing."

"Yeah, that's what Auron said, too," Rikku mused before balking. Great going, Rikku! That was so tactless! Glancing at Braska's pained expression, she tried to steer the conversation towards safer waters. "You said this place gives you hope?"

Braska nodded, his face easing. He held out a hand, chasing away a few pyreflies. "The Moonflow looks different, now. There was no way station, back then, no Hypello landing point. A part of that beautiful wilderness I once knew has disappeared."

"Tell me about it," Rikku murmured under her breath. "Isn't it depressing?"

"Not at all," Braska said, surprising her. "The pyreflies still gather here at night. In my mind's eye, I can see the remnants of that wild river I first saw. It's not really the Moonflow that I'm thinking about, though. It's the happy memories coming here brought to me. If it wasn't for my journey then, I would have never met Raenn. I wouldn't have Yuna." He smiled softly. "And now I'm here with you."

Rikku couldn't bring herself to say anything, pulling at the tassels on her vest instead. How can he say those things and not make my heart hurt? She shut her eyes. If she was going to be here, to stand by the side of these three men, then she had to do it completely. Auron knew, even Jecht knew, now; only Braska remained ignorant. Braska, who had accepted her – no, all of them, from the very beginning, who told her his secrets and let her see his own pain. It wasn't fair.

"My name's Rikku," she finally blurted out, cracking an eye open and waiting for his reaction.

Braska continued to contemplate the Moonflow, seemingly unmoved by her admission. Then he canted his head towards her. "You asked earlier why it gives me hope? It's because I can stand here and smile. Even though the person I loved disappeared, I can still come to this river and create happy memories for myself. Memories like this one." Then he turned to her and smiled – a real, honest, open-hearted smile. So like Yuna. "Thank you, Rikku."

Rikku felt her pounding heart slow down, and allowed herself to return the gesture with a smile of her own. "So I guess that means I can stay, right?"

"I wouldn't have it any other way," he answered.

Encouraged, Rikku lifted a hand in the air and danced in place. "Oh, oh! And I wanted you to know, I'm rooting for you! I mean this whole argument with Auron thingie. Don't tell him that I'm siding with the enemy, though, okay?"

Braska blinked at her, and then let out a loud laugh. "All right. I'll keep fighting then, since you're cheering so hard for me."

Rikku lowered her hand and stopped swaying. "Umm... but is it really okay? I mean, we don't want to hurt you."

Braska exhaled heavily. "Would you like me to be honest, or to make you feel better?" Then he shook his head. "No, that was uncalled for. But let's just say..." He looked at Rikku speculatively. "If Auron drops the ball, I'll be waiting to catch it." His gentle smile returned, this time colored with a hint of mischief.

Rikku swallowed. "I'm... gonna go take a walk. Yeah, that sounds really good," she mumbled. Spinning around, she sped-walked away from Braska's laugh, feeling his eyes on her back the entire time.

.x.x.x.

When Rikku finally gathered enough courage to return, she found Auron awake and, for lack of a better word, brooding over Jecht. The blitzer, who saw her arrive, lifted his head off of the ground with a wince and motioned for her to come over.

" 'ey! Blondie! You're a lifesaver!"

"I am?" Rikku approached cautiously; an angry Auron was an Auron she didn't want to get too close to, boyfriend material or not.

"Yeah," Jecht said, pointing at the recording sphere still held in her hands. "Turn that thing on."

Rikku scrunched her nose. "What? Why?"

Auron crossed his arms. "So you can make more recordings for your fans? I'm sure you have plenty now at the ferry."

Jecht dropped his head back onto the ground. "If it's on the record, then you can't kill me and hide my body."

"How unfortunate," Auron said. "And here we are, right next to – what was it you called it? A river full of dead people."

"Fine, fine, enough already!" Rikku interjected, switching the sphere on and aiming it at Jecht.

Jecht scowled, displeased to be the center of attention when he was obviously nursing a bad hangover. "What are you shooting ME for?" he asked, gesturing for her to point the sphere at Auron.

Auron snorted in response. "So you don't do anything stupid again. I can't believe you attacked that shoopuf." His voice took on a tone of annoyance. "Lord Braska had to pay the handler for damages from his own travel money."

Jecht winced and curled a little into his side. "I said I was sorry. It's never gonna happen again! I promise!"

Disbelief was written clearly across Auron's face. "Ah. A promise? Which you'll forget come tomorrow!" he scoffed.

Jecht seemed to shrink under the admonition. Rikku sighed; she felt bad for Jecht, but he had brought it down upon himself. Besides, she half-suspected that he had stuck around camp, curled on his side and waiting for Auron's inevitable confrontation, out of a sense of guilt.

Braska, too, seemed to pick up on Jecht's listless attitude. "Auron, please." He moved closer to Jecht's side. "He did apologize. He knows he was wrong."

Typical Braska; despite the money they'd lost and the transformation of what should have been a pleasant afternoon excursion into a grueling evening of fiend hunting, he still was trying to protect Jecht from Auron's wrath.

Feeling a surge of indignation, she eyed Jecht and lifted an eyebrow. C'mon. I know you're better than this. Don't leave Braska hanging. Do something! She willed him to speak up, to apologize to Braska, or even just to talk back at Auron instead of wilting there before them like a squashed moonlily. Instead, Jecht dropped his face towards the ground.

Auron snorted in disgust and started to turn away, and Rikku felt bitter disappointment welling.

"That's it."

Auron froze at the sound of Jecht's voice, while a tiny, knowing smile flashed across Braska's face. Pushing himself to his feet, Jecht stood to his full height and clenched his hands into fists. "Only thing I drink from now on is shoopuf milk!"

Everyone gawked at Jecht's newfound determination. Mostly because he didn't realize that no one in Spira had ever attempted to milk a shoopuf before. It probably also didn't help that the shoopuf working at the crossing was male.

Still, hiding his laughter with a polite cough, Braska was the first to react. "You're sure?" he asked lightly.

"We're on a journey to fight Sin and save Spira, right? If I keep screwin' up – and makin' a fool of myself – my wife and kid are never gonna forgive me." He glanced at Rikku and gave her a brief, knowing smile.

Hope against insurmountable odds, huh, Rikku thought as she returned it. I guess we can all try a little harder to be like Braska.

Auron shifted, and Rikku's eyes darted to him. She held her breath; it seemed like Jecht had taken a huge step forward just now, but would his new, fragile resolve be able to survive Auron's bitter cynicism? And then she noticed, Auron wasn't looking at Jecht at all – he was looking at Braska. Oh, right... they were fighting, too.

Braska held Auron's gaze with his own clear eyes. Then, tilting his head slightly, he closed them and smiled. A victor's smile.

Auron's shoulders drooped, and he pinned Jecht under a critical stare. "That's on the record," he said.

Rikku grinned. She might have been losing her mental tally of face-offs against Auron, but so far Braska had an unbeaten record. She'd have to take tips from him sometime. Then, Braska looked at her, and Rikku felt her heart speed up. Uh... maybe I can pass up on the tips, she decided, looking down and fumbling with her sphere controls.

"Rikkma... as it seems to be a good day for new resolutions, I was wondering if there was anything you wanted to say to us."

Rikku looked up. Auron was staring at her with his usual impassive gaze, giving away nothing. Then again, he was used to it. Jecht, on the other hand, looked uncomfortable, scratching his neck and unable to meet her eyes. And Braska – eh, Rikku thought, resisting the urge to fidget – he was giving her the gentle look. The look that created a thousand guilt trips. How does he do that? No wonder Auron always breaks first. She planted her hands on her hips and pouted.

"Alright, you guys can stop playing dumb already. Does anyone here not know my name yet?"

Auron had the decency to look somewhat surprised, Braska was obviously pleased, and Jecht just looked relieved.

"Good, I kept thinkin' I was gonna spill it by accident later on." Jecht smirked at her. "And who's the one who's always playin' dumb, anyhow?"

"It's all right. I am glad you decided to share a little more of yourself with us, Rikku," Braska told her. "And... I must admit, it rolls off the tongue a bit more easily. Less... suggestive connotations."

Rikku blushed and wanted to kick herself; Auron was staring at her right now, and Braska was... was... flirting, or something. She really hoped it was or something, willing her features to compose.

"Well, shall we? Before any more unfortunate incidents occur?" Braska gestured towards the direction of the road, and Rikku jumped.

"Ah, I've still gotta pack my bedroll and stuff! Don't worry, I'll meet you guys there in a jiffy. It's not too far ahead," she called out, diving towards her things.

"I'll stay," Auron spoke up. "A fiend could attack any time."

Rikku stopped her haphazard attempts at packing to stare. "You're not going to rush me?" Her mouth dropped open.

" 'Course he won't!" Jecht grinned. "Seems like the lady-killer here's finally movin' in! So... you guys gonna need a full hour or just a half?"

Rikku growled. She chucked the sphere at Jecht's head and winced as he ducked. It hit the Moonflow with a plunk, making a small splash as it sank between the thickly entwined lilies.

"...uh, oops?" she said, watching the bluish glow from the sphere disappear.

Jecht rubbed his chin. "Wait... does this mean it's not on the record anymore?"

Auron grimaced. "And this is why I'm going to stay behind. Lord Braska, please go on before I do something to him," he added, nodding his head at a quickly paling Jecht.

"Whoa, it was just a joke, a joke! I'm really gonna stop drinkin'!"

"Best to let him cool down," Braska said, steering Jecht away from Auron's harsh glare. "Hopefully we'll have better luck this time." He paused for a moment, his smile wavering. "And, ahh... perhaps it would be best if you keep that sword of yours sheathed, unless you actually see me summoning..."

Auron watched the two men as they moved away, shaking his head at Jecht's near-panicked attempts to reassure Braska of his good intentions. Then he focused his sharp gaze on Rikku, who froze.

"Hey! Why are you staring at me like that? I thought you'd be happy that I wasn't keeping so many secrets from the rest of us," she said, dropping her voice a few octaves as she made air quotes with her fingers. "You have no reason to be mad at me right now! Well, except for maybe that sphere I just lost. Uhh... actually, just forget I mentioned it," she ended with a nervous laugh.

Auron rubbed a hand over his face. Then he looked at her again, this time trying to soften his glare – mostly unsuccessfully, Rikku noted. "I'm not angry. I just want to know when and how you ended up telling them your real name."

"It just sorta happened," Rikku shrugged, turning back to her pack and stuffing her few scattered belongings into it. Kneeling at the foot of her mat, she began the tedious job of squashing it into a compact roll, feeling a mild sense of annoyance that Auron wasn't helping her even though he'd been the one offering to stay behind. "I told Jecht last night, and Braska this morning. I dunno, it seemed like the right thing to do at the time."

Auron's silence was deafening, so Rikku paused and turned around to look at him. Uh-oh, she thought. His glare was back full force.

"Braska I could understand. But Jecht, of all people? And last night? After he nearly killed you and made a fool of us all?" He peered at her. "Did the shoopuf land a blow to your head that I failed to notice?"

"Hey!" Rikku huffed in indignation, which turned into real annoyance when she lost her tight grip on the bedroll, forcing her to start all over again. "Are you saying I have to be brain damaged just to be honest with my friends? Maybe I just felt like telling him! Jecht isn't as bad as you keep making him out to be, you know. He said he'd stop drinking. Just give him a chance."

This drew a loud snort from Auron. "A chance? He's had several of those and wasted them all. I gave him a chance when you convinced me to teach him how to use a sword – and look at what he did with that knowledge." His frown deepened. "Why are you trying so hard to defend him?" He crossed his arms. "It wasn't enough to seduce Braska and myself? You want to target Jecht, now, too?"

The mat flew out of Rikku's hands and towards Auron, though it fortunately didn't join the sphere she'd tossed into the depths of the Moonflow.

"How – how can you even say that?" Rikku yelled, standing now and facing him. "If you would even bother to talk to Jecht instead of yelling at him constantly, you might have known that he's married. You might even figure out that he drank so much because he misses his wife! Jecht might be an idiot, but at least he's an idiot who cares about the people close to him!" She bit her tongue so hard it bled before she could add the Unlike you! It didn't matter very much, as Auron seemed to read her intent.

"Oh? So you want someone to reassure you when you're feeling insecure? Is that why you were looking at Braska that way just now, too?"

Rikku felt some of her indignation die down; normally, she'd find Auron acting so jealous kind of cute, but he hadn't entirely missed with his last accusation. Me and my stupid face are like an open book to him.

"Well... it's..." probably what you think, she amended, considering what Braska had told her. "It's not like I'm trying to do anything! I just get to talking with him sometimes, and then – well, he – he – he's the one making all the moves! Y'know, like POW! Right outta the blue!"

"If you blush like that while he's talking to you, of course he'll keep trying," Auron replied with a hint of heat in his voice. "You're only encouraging him."

Rikku scowled, one part guilt and three bazillion parts annoyance. "Yeah, so what's the big deal anyway? If you're so upset about it, why don't you act like Braska, huh? Or am I not good enough for you?"

Auron stopped talking and crossed his arms, turning his face away from her. He was scowling deeply – an expression that he'd stopped directing at her recently, and seeing it again was disappointing. Rising to her feet, Rikku inched towards her fallen mat and picked it up, playing with the scuffed sheeting in agitation. Maybe we're both to blame for it this time... but Auron is more wrong, she thought stubbornly. I won't back down. Modulating her voice, she cleared her throat. "If you feel something for me, why don't you ever show it?"

Shifting, Auron let out a sigh. "I apologize," he mumbled.

Rikku gave up all pretense of dealing with her bedroll and matched his pose, crossing her arms and scowling. "For what? That's the most ambiguous apology I've ever heard!" She swayed on her feet. "Every time we talk, I walk away feeling more confused than I did before. You don't hate me, but you don't like me either, do you? Sometimes it feels more like you're just tolerating me." She grinned. "Actually, I wish I could seduce you. At least I wouldn't be so confused all the time. But then again, you're Auron, the man of stone."

Auron chuckled at that, finally relaxing and glancing her way. "I'm flattered that you think so, but I'm not... entirely unaffected." He let out a long sigh. "You seem to have the talent of making fools out of all of us, myself included."

Rikku blinked. "What was that? First an ambiguous apology, now an ambiguous insult? See? See?" She grabbed her head and shook it. "Arrgh, you're making me crazy!"

"The feeling is mutual," Auron replied.

"Well, at least the apology part was nice," Rikku said, calming down. "You sure have a lot to apologize for. So, do I get to decide what it applies to? 'Cause there's lots of grievances I have to sort out first, then."

Auron laughed, unfolding his arms and becoming a somewhat less intimidating as he relaxed. "You are bothersome. I suppose I'd expect nothing less from you, Rikku."

"There! You did it again!" She jumped up and down and pointed.

"I was apologizing for my failures," Auron relented. "I can't be like Braska. I can't become someone who shows you those emotions that you so greatly wish to see. I'm not that man."

Rikku stilled, taken off guard by his sudden earnestness. She brought a hand to her mouth, too surprised by his confession to come up with a witty reply.

Auron, of course, interpreted her silence as a critical one, twitching uncomfortably. He cleared his throat. "I don't know how to express myself well. Public displays of... affection – or even humor – are foreign to me." He ran a hand over his head, pushing the unruly strands of hair out of his face.

Rikku smiled to herself; those two strands, even the way his now-decorative red coat was casually shrugged over one shoulder – they were all signs of just how far he'd come during the Pilgrimage – maybe just as far as she had. It must be hard for him, she realized. And then to compare him to Braska... none of us compared to Braska, and we all know it. She looked away, guilty.

Auron muttered a low curse under his breath; she heard his footsteps. Rikku looked up and stifled her yelp of surprise; he was standing closer to her than before. Definitely closer than "just friends" close. Still, his face was screwed into an uncomfortable grimace and he wasn't meeting her eyes. And was that... sweat? Beading on his forehead? Rikku goggled and stared into his face.

"Are you trying to be romantic? Because I'd really like to know why you look like someone's using thumbscrews on you right now," she said, half-caught between surprise and a vague sense of wounded pride. "Come on, I'm not that ugly!"

Auron looked at her properly, his own expression losing some of its tension in surprise. "No, you're not ugly," he reassured her, looking relieved when Rikku's bristles relaxed. Then he rolled his eyes. "I told you, I'm terrible at... well, this."

Rikku did the only thing she could do. She gaped. Auron – no, Sir Auron: the most famous and popular Guardian of all time, the only one who had helped defeat Sin twice, the one that Barthello started that fan club for, the very same one for whom Baralai had named several sections of the city of New Bevelle after – that Auron was actually a klutz at romance?

"You're joking," Rikku said in disbelief, staring at him as another one of her precious teenaged Auron-fantasies cracked and splintered in her mind. Inner Rikku let out a lingering, mournful howl of despair.

Auron grimaced again and looked distinctly uncomfortable, backing away from her. "Well, thank you for your understanding," he said with dripping sarcasm, and Rikku remembered that her face was still an open book.

"Oh! No no no no!" Rikku said, catching his coat as he stepped away and pulling him back in. "I didn't mean that you were joking like that. I meant... um, well, it's just that you're so hot, it's kinda hard to believe you don't have any experience with women." Even as she said it, a new fantasy started to take root in Rikku's mind, her eyes beginning to sparkle. "So does this mean I'm like your first girlfriend?" Oh yeah! Rikku screamed to herself, pumping a mental fist. Oh, but Jecht better not find out, or Auron'll never hear the end of it.

Looking annoyed, Auron pushed her away. "I didn't say that," he grumbled, his own pride clearly smarting. "Whatever you were thinking just then, you're wrong," he added for good measure.

Rikku stepped on her imagination before it could run any further than it already had. "Oh, so you mean you don't need kissing lessons?" she asked with disappointment.

Auron stared at her in shock.

"Uhh, never mind," Rikku coughed into her hand.

Dropping his face into his palm, Rikku recognized the calming exercises Auron was practicing. She'd seen it first-hand several times, usually right after he would try to give Tidus some advice. He looked up warily. "What I meant was that I was trained as a warrior-monk in the Church," he explained. "Yevon teaches that we should turn away from the worldly pleasures of the flesh. We weren't strictly forbidden from doing anything – my friend Kinoc could attest to that. You met him once, when you were incarcerated in Bevelle," he added.

"Yeah," Rikku said, shivering at the memory. "I never thanked you for saving me then."

Auron shrugged. "At that time, I wasn't saving you," he said, and Rikku wished Auron would stop breaking mirrors as she scooped up the remains of yet another fantasy. "Wen is still a warrior-monk, just as I used to be. My actions had more to do with the spirit of Yevon's teachings. We can choose how we follow our own path, but what truly matters is one's intent. His weren't... pure enough."

Rikku chewed her lip, digesting the information. That's right! Didn't Kinoc say Auron had a girlfriend before, too? I wonder what that was all about... "Umm, okay. So what does this have to do with you and me, though? I mean, you aren't a monk anymore, right?"

"That..." Auron said distantly. "Yes, I have left the Order; but, as I said... I believe intent is more important than meaningless titles." He looked at her again. "I don't mean to insult you. And... I do find you attractive," he added haltingly. "But I can't simply let go of a lifetime of teachings just to suit your own whims."

Rikku felt her frown returning. "You didn't have to say it that way," she pointed out, and Auron muttered and grabbed her arm before she could walk away.

"I'm... pleased," he said, looking uncomfortable. "I'm pleased that you told the others your real name. Honesty is the basis for true trust and friendship. It is what we're all going to need to see this Pilgrimage through to the end. What you did took courage and I respect you for it," he finished, and Rikku thought she saw a slight hint of color in his normally pale face.

Wow... Rikku felt herself gawking again and shut her mouth. "Uhh, o-okay," she replied, her nervousness returning. So maybe he wasn't as hopeless as she had thought, if he could make her pulse speed up just by being blunt. I really should say something, but... sweet Shiva, he sure is good-looking up close... Heart in her throat, Rikku stared at him, feeling the seconds tick by as Auron grew restless, tightening his grip on her arm.

"And..." He paused, unable to meet her eyes despite their close proximity. "...I was jealous," he muttered under his breath.

"J-jealous?" Rikku squeaked, and Auron's face darkened a little more.

"I was upset because it is no longer..."

Rikku waited expectantly, prodding him with a hesitant finger when he failed to continue. "No longer what?"

Auron rolled his eyes. "You really are going to destroy me completely, aren't you?" he muttered under his breath. Then he looked at her squarely. "It's no longer our secret." Definitely a blush now, Rikku observed.

It took a few moments before the fireworks finally exploded over her head. A few very long moments, during which a clearly uncomfortable Auron began to panic, in his own stiff-lipped way.

"... It's no longer something just between you and I. It was... special, I suppose. Something that brought us closer." His discomfort faded as he continued. "Your name was something that not even Braska had." He stiffened as Rikku threw her arms around him, hugging him.

"I understand," she whispered. "You... you really do care." Squeezing her eyes shut, she inhaled the musky scent of his coat as she buried her nose in it. Then, unable to repress it any longer, she giggled. "I like you, too!"

Clearing his throat, Auron managed to separate Rikku from himself. He was still embarrassed by her mirthful dancing and giggles, though. "Don't expect this sort of thing to become the norm just because we are together," he said gruffly.

"He likes me, he likes me!" Rikku sang loudly to herself, ignoring Auron's chagrin.

With a groan, he bent down and picked up Rikku's forgotten bedroll, throwing it over her head and ending her impromptu dance. "I can't bring myself to say these sorts of foolish things in public constantly, so enjoy your victory while it lasts."

Rikku batted the cover off of her head, unaffected by Auron's warning. "Party pooper! But don't worry, I'll act embarrassing enough for the both of us!" she added with a wink.

Auron stared at her with his serious face, and Rikku stopped teasing and swallowed.

"Uh, but not in public?" she added with a slight cringe. She was completely unprepared when he grabbed her arm again and pulled her in. So unprepared that her eyes were still open when his lips touched her own.

Warm... his kiss is warm.

Pulling away, Auron granted her the briefest of smiles. "That managed to shut you up," he noted.

edited 8/16