NOTE
The title of the chapter is for a beautifully haunting song by the group London Grammar.
15. All My Love
I left No. 12 Grimmauld Place at eleven o'clock. The house had become warm and home-like and I regretted leaving it. I walked through the snow to King's Cross with my carpetbag of possessions. It was Friday and the station was only mildly busy. In a quiet moment, I hugged my carpetbag to my chest, heart racing as it always did, and ran full speed at the brick wall of Platform 9¾.
The train was there, and its plumes of steam, but none of the bustle that the beginning of the school years used to bring. The platform was deserted except for me.
I walked past the first few carriages, looking into the windows… all empty. Then from behind me I heard a high voice laughing, and turned to encounter Pansy and Astoria stepping off the train. I pitied them, knowing they were probably off to Wiltshire to visit their husbands, but was also glad that I wouldn't have to be anxious about being cornered by Pansy at Hogwarts.
I made myself small, hoping they wouldn't notice me, but Pansy did, and gave me a judgemental look up and down, eyes lingering on my carpetbag. "What are you doing in London?" she said. "The wolf's been up there limping around for a week now, threatening to take everyone's heads off. We had to leave before the full moon came and he made good on his promise."
"Don't talk about him like that, Parkinson," I warned. Anger throbbed at the base of my spine.
"Why shouldn't I? He's dangerous. If school was in session he'd never be allowed–"
But she didn't get any further, because I had drawn my wand and aimed it at her chest. To me it felt like I was trembling with fury, but my arm was steady and firm.
"Ooh," Pansy said, with a cold glee in her eyes. "What's she going to do with that?"
My eyes flickered to Astoria, who looked a bit frightened. I lowered my wand, surprised at the shortness of my temper. I wasn't usually like that at all, but Pansy's provocation had been too pointed and bigoted for me to resist the bait.
"Go," I said, really trembling now. "Just go away."
"Poor thing. He must have done something really horrible to you, for you to defend him like a gentleman."
"Come on, Pansy," Astoria said, tugging at her friend's hand. Pansy gave me a sharp, hard look, but I held my tongue, and she let herself be pulled away.
I leaned against one of the platform's columns and breathed until my heartbeat calmed and the red seeped out of my vision. I waited around on the platform to see if anyone else was going to board, anyone I knew, but no-one else appeared through the barrier at the end of the platform. The train whistled, and I took that as my cue to board. No sooner had I chosen an empty compartment to sit in than the train glided into motion, and I was on my way.
The journey north was beautiful and snowy. The flakes whispered against the window, and a gorgeous white nothingness danced in the wind over the fields before fading into the darkness of the distance.
I watched the view pass for a couple of hours before I left the compartment to walk up and down the train. It was surreal being alone on the train, the only person there, and soon, though I had only meant to stretch my legs a bit, I began to pace. I knew that what Pansy had said had been a blatant lie, but remembering her words still made me worry about Remus. I hoped that the wolfsbane had worked, and that he wasn't in too much pain. I wondered if he would be awake when I arrived, or still sleeping off the effects of last night's moon.
I returned to the compartment and took a shawl from my bag, wrapping it around myself. The loneliness and the quiet of the train made me drowsy. I sat looking out the window, and without meaning to fell into a deep sleep.
The whistle woke me as the train pulled into Hogsmeade, hours later. I folded my shawl and shrugged on my coat. It wasn't snowing as much as it had been further south, but I could hear the wind moaning from inside the train. I cast a warming spell on my clothes before stepping out onto the cold platform, which was just as empty as 9¾ had been. It was late at night, and very dark and cold. The bitter wind tugged at my hair, and I shivered despite the help of my magic.
I walked down the platform to the head of the long dark path towards the school. Tall dark trees stood on either side. There was snow on the ground, but hardly any in the air, and between the creaking trees was nothing but deep blackness. I breathed shakily. I couldn't allow a fear of the forest to paralyse me here.
Get to the castle and you'll be alright. Get to Remus, and you'll be alright.
"Lumos," I whispered, and the tip of my wand flickered to cold, white light, which bathed the path a short distance in front of me. I began to hum the tune to some old folk song, and walked forward down the path.
There was only the occasional scurry or hoot in the forest. The loudest sound was the creaking of the tall trees in the wind. I hummed to make the sounds feel less threatening, holding my carpetbag close to my body, feeling very vulnerable.
I had been walking for two or three minutes when I heard something new. A faint whisper. My next footstep hesitated, and my heart skipped a beat, but I kept on. I only stopped when I noticed something in my peripheral vision. A pale white shape, far outside the bounds of my wandlight. My head screamed for me to keep walking, that I was imagining things. But my pulse was thick and fast in my neck, and very slowly I turned to face the trees.
There, in the middle distance, stood Fred. He was watching me silently.
I knew it was not really him; that it was the same being I had seen outside of Remus's cottage. But the sight of him couldn't help but bring up a strangling desperation. Fear and love battled over my body, leaving me rooted to the spot. He was still there, staring.
"My apologies," came a voice from my side.
I startled and put a hand to my chest, turning to see Severus. I had not even noticed his approach, though he was holding a lantern. All of my senses had been ensnared and taken in by the strange being, who had not moved or disappeared at Severus's arrival.
"I heard you were arriving on the train. I intended to meet you on your husband's behalf, but the time got away from me."
I could only stare at him, speechless and wide-eyed. The creases in his face deepened. "What's the matter?" he said. And then his dark eyes followed my gaze back to the creature.
We were looking at the same one at the same time, but by the way Severus's lips parted and his breath stuttered, it obviously didn't appear to him as Fred. The creature did not speak, but only stood there and then eventually turned and walked away, deeper into the woods. He grew fainter, and fainter, until I could no longer see him. My logical mind fell away as my body was overcome by the urge to follow, and I took a few steps to the edge of the path.
But Severus reached out and took my elbow, holding me back. His grip was non-threatening but firm. "Don't," he said, his voice tight. I looked up at him to see he was crying. His eyes were still searching the woods for any sign, but the figure was gone.
His black robes fluttered as he turned away to attend to his tears. I took the moment to recompose myself as well, trying to ease the aching in my heart. When he faced me again, the flame flickering in the lamp he held, his eyes were deeply guarded. "Let's go," he said.
We walked in silence to the castle, both determined not to look into the trees again. Too afraid that we would see something lovely there.
"Are you going to tell Minerva?" I asked him, once the doors had shut behind us.
"It's not an emergency. I'll tell her in the morning."
There was a long moment of silence. I wondered who he had seen in the woods. Of course I would not ask, but it must have been an old and deep love to have made the walls in his eyes rise so fast.
"The wolfsbane did the trick," Severus informed me. "He's still under Poppy's supervision."
I nodded, still rattled, but breathing more easily now that I had a clear purpose in sight. All I had to do now was climb the stairs to Remus's side.
"Thank you," I said.
He bowed his head, and took the lantern with him as he turned and walked down to his chambers.
Remus had been right about the increased warmth of the castle. The corridors were protected from the wind, and the windows in the stairway to the hospital wing had been repaired.
He was sleeping on his side, his shirt unbuttoned and the sheets a mess. Poppy had already gone to sleep, but had left a candle by his bed. She had clearly known I would come, for there was also a note offering me the bed beside Remus's for the night. She had left extra blankets folded there.
My body went cold at the memory of the being in the forest. Though it hadn't hurt me or Severus, there was something wicked about it. I felt that now for certain.
I knelt on the floor by Remus's bed and studied his face, exhausted but full of ease in his sleep. Emotion swelled in my heart. "Remus," I whispered, very softly, in case he could hear me in his dreams. "I'm here."
He came around with a low mumble and a fluttering of his eyelids. A pure white snow had fallen in the night, and in the cold light of day he looked very pale. It was clear that he was still in a great amount of pain from the havoc the transformation had wreaked on his body. But he had absolutely no injuries, as Poppy had pointed out to me when she'd entered the ward to see me sitting at his side that morning.
"Good morning," I said quietly, not wanting to irritate him.
His eyes opened fully and he winced at the light, but smiled to see me.
"How are you feeling?"
"Dreadful," he admitted.
I realised that I wanted him to tell me more–to tell me what hurt, and why. But I didn't ask him to say, knowing it would have been an invasion of his privacy.
"Poppy left those," I said, pointing to the two vials of potion that she had placed on the bedside table, with instructions to have Remus take them 'as soon as he comes round.'
He nodded, a resigned look entering his face. I figured he was familiar with whatever was in the vials, and it didn't taste very good. I helped him to sit up, loosening my arms when he winced at the pressure of my hands.
He downed both potions, and took the glass of water that Poppy had left under the lamp. He was trembling as he drank, and something in my chest twisted painfully.
"Are you hungry?" I asked. Breakfast had long been over, but I knew Poppy would have something to provide him if he wanted it.
"No, thanks," he said. He looked suddenly dizzy and I helped him to lay down again. "I want to see Teddy soon, if that's alright with you."
"Of course it is." Why would I ever want to keep him from seeing his son? "I'll write to Andromeda. We can visit as soon as you like. Or, if you want to go alone…"
I felt the warm tears rolling down my cheeks and realised that I was crying. He was hiding so much of his pain, and I felt it as though it were my own. "Wilma," Remus said, with a look of alarm. "What's wrong?"
I shook my head. "I'm glad you're okay," I said.
"I'll be alright," he said. "And of course I'd like you to come. Oh, Wilma… come here."
I bent down to embrace him, and he pressed his face against my neck. I pulled away after a moment, wiping my tears away with my sleeves. "Sorry," I said, getting control of myself.
He watched me, his eyes soft. "I'll be alright," he said again.
I was endlessly grateful for the wolfsbane potion, and for Severus, for brewing it. I was in shambles as it was, and certainly couldn't have handled seeing Remus how he'd been after the last full moon. He was still in a very weak way though, and accepted my help whenever I offered it–which, I had to admit, I liked.
He let me read to him from The Odyssey, picking up where we'd left off when he left London.
"The ship sailed on, out of the Ocean Stream, riding a long swell on the open sea for the Island of…"
"Aiaia," Remus said, helping me with the pronunciation.
I took his hand, which was lying open on the bed. "Aiaia," I repeated, and he squeezed my hand gently.
"Summering Dawn has dancing grounds there, and the Sun his rising; but still by night we beached on a sand shelf and waded in beyond the line of breakers to fall asleep, awaiting the Day Star…"
I had been reading for some minutes when footsteps sounded in the corridor, and Severus entered. He had a restrained look about him, and I imagined that the sighting of the being in the woods had been more difficult for him than it had been for me, since it had been his first time.
"Pardon me," he said. "Wilma, we should speak now, with Minerva."
"Is everything alright?" Remus asked.
I pressed my lips to his hand and said, "I'll explain later," before setting the book on the bed and standing up. He let go of my hand reluctantly, and I went to join Severus, who had stepped out to wait in the corridor.
We walked through the castle to Minerva's office. I was able to see for the first time the extent of the repairs they'd managed to make over the course of the month. For one thing, Gryffindor Tower was almost fully rebuilt.
Severus walked a pace or two ahead of me. I had the sense that he was upset with me for some reason. I thought of what it might be, and kicked myself for my inconsideration. "Thank you," I said, "for helping Remus, with the potion."
"Of course," he responded swiftly, and the rest of the journey we passed in tense silence.
Minerva was sitting in her office studying an old book, but set it aside when we entered. She had a pitying look in her eyes when she looked at Severus, who was staring out the window with his back to the two of us throughout most of the conversation. I was quite sure she knew who had appeared to him last night.
"And you sensed that it might bear you ill will?" Minerva asked me.
"This time, yes. It was like it wanted something. It waited longer to turn away and it didn't seem to expect us to follow."
"Would you agree, Severus?"
"Yes," he murmured. I looked at him, concerned by the pain I sensed in his tense posture as he watched the snow. He turned his face only enough to glance at me, and in his eyes was the same glaring coldness that I had known so well in my years as his student. I couldn't help but feel hurt by this sudden regression. Was it something to do with Remus? Had they had some kind of argument, or had Remus been bitter with him despite his kindness in preparing the wolfsbane? Or perhaps he was only deeply upset by what had happened on the path from Hogsmeade. Whatever it was, I didn't find it fair that he seemed to be taking it out on me.
Minerva released us after she had harvested all of the information we could give her.
Severus began to walk down the stairs, not glancing behind himself once to acknowledge my presence. He was about to slip beyond my reach, and some part of myself couldn't allow it.
"Severus," I said, unable to restrain myself. He turned around, a bitter look on his face. "Are you angry with me?"
"No."
"Are you angry at my husband?"
"No!" he snapped.
"Then for Merlin's sake, what's the matter?"
I could feel anger rolling off of him in waves. I was used to it from him, and had come to believe that it hid something else. "Severus," I ventured, "who was it that you saw, in the woods?"
"That's none of your concern." His voice and eyes were scathing, and I couldn't help feeling hurt. When I had first seen him in the Burrow, when he had come to offer me his hand, I had noticed the gentleness of his voice, but had not doubted that his old sharpness would come back if he was tempted. Here was the proof that I had not been wrong.
"You're right," I said, biting back all the other things I wanted to say. "I'm sorry."
"You ought to be, impudent girl."
His words stung. Once, I would have bowed my head and taken it, but now fury filled me from crown to toe. I was already on edge from my conflict with Pansy in London, and was through with being berated for no reason.
Severus was walking away again, but I wasn't going to let him escape. "How dare you say that to me?" I said, my spitefulness pouring out as I raised my voice.
He ignored me and kept walking down the stairs. I ran to catch up with him. He reached the corridor seconds before I did, and wheeled around suddenly with ire in his face. I gasped as he pushed me suddenly against the stone wall, bracing his hand above my head. I felt very small.
"The charity I show your husband," he snarled, "does not give you permission to meddle in my personal affairs. Is that clear?"
I stared straight forward, at the buttons of his robes. "Yes, sir," I whispered, on instinct.
He withdrew and walked out of sight, his cloak rippling behind him. I couldn't believe he'd said that about Remus. Charity.
My eyes filled with tears of betrayal as my heart started beating again. It had briefly stopped from the shock of his physical intimidation. I shook my head in disbelief. I had been wrong. Snape hadn't really changed.