NOTE

Content warning for miscarriage. It begins at the top of the chapter, but everything from the line "I remembered randomly that today was my birthday" onward is safe.

26. Blood

Severus's voice cut through the dark fog or smoke of the dream. His hands gripped my shoulders, shaking me awake. I came around fully with a watery gasp, as though I'd been about to drown. His eyes bored down at me, black and deep. "You were having a nightmare."

I couldn't remember anything about it. It had been dark. Had it been the forbidden forest again? The bottom of the black lake, pursuing that mysterious shining object? My attempts to remember were thwarted by the sharp cramping sensation in my lower belly.

My hand went there on instinct as my face tightened with pain. Severus was lighting the lamp. He wore his usual clothes but no robes, and the fabric made faint rustling sounds under the continuing rain. The flame leapt alive in the tall glass lamp, and I blinked at the brightness.

"You're bleeding," Severus said.

I looked up at him in silence for a dreadful moment. Then my gaze turned downward, and I saw that he was right. Dark, warm blood had soaked through my trousers, and had begun to seep into the blanket on the bed. The sight wavered in the lamplight, and I touched two fingers to the colour, not believing that it was real.

Oh, no, came Fred's voice, a faint murmur. Willa... Willa...

Through the buzzing in my ears came Severus's voice again, terribly low and quiet. "Are you with child?"

My blood ran thinly through my heart as I realised what was happening. I nodded my head.

"I had no idea," Severus said. "I never would have let you fall in the woods if I had known. We shouldn't have apparated…"

I had never heard him stumble for words before. There was a tremor in his voice, poorly hidden. He fell silent, at a loss.

I remembered how poorly I had taken care of myself since Remus had gone. I had no doubt done damage of my own by spending so many hours on the broom, as well as those days of not eating in the cottage. I should have cried out with guilt and shame, but I was numb. No emotion. Only my dry eyes watching the blood seep slowly into the blanket.

"I must get you to Poppy immediately."

"No." My voice spoke for me; my mind had little to do with it. My breath came in distant, silent gasps. "No. The ministry can't know. I don't know. What they would do."

Severus held my shoulder. I was too distant from myself to flinch, to care. "Are you faint?"

I was growing dangerously lightheaded, whether from shock or loss of blood I wasn't sure. Probably both.

"Let me try something," Severus said, drawing his wand.

But I held out my shaking hand. He looked at me questioningly, and I shook my head. "Let it," I told him, my voice quiet. "Let it go."

His face was drawn and grim, but I knew he wouldn't protest. It was my decision. A small vial of dark green potion came hovering into the room, and he uncorked it, offering it to me. "For pain," he said.

I took it. It had a heady, earthen smell. Something deep and old; feminine magic. It tasted of dirt and pine.

"This will stay between us," Severus said, after a long moment. "I promise."

I should have felt deeply grateful. But no feelings could penetrate the cold shield which had risen around my body.

I didn't want to remain on the bed, sitting like an animal in my own blood.

"May I go to the toilet?" I heard myself say.

"Of course."

He carried me as he had done that night in his office. I stared mindlessly at his dark shoulder as the wallpaper passed behind it. He summoned the lamp from the bedroom and it sat throbbing beside the sink.

"Do you need my assistance?" he asked.

I shook my head, and he turned away out of courtesy as I unbuttoned my trousers and lowered myself shakily to the toilet. This didn't feel real. This couldn't be happening.

The dark green potion worked quickly, and I didn't feel any pain; only uncomfortable pressure, and a faint stirring sensation as I continued to bleed. I was too afraid to look between my legs at the water, but I could still imagine the strands of red tangling there.

Severus's voice was strained when he spoke again, still looking at the wall. "Should I leave?"

"No," I said. "Stay."

I was startled by my own response. I found it demanding. But Severus didn't treat it that way, and sat on the edge of the bath, staying with me. I was surprised. It must have been difficult for him. What man would want to sit beside a bleeding woman?

A man who loves her, came Fred's voice. But I barely heard it.

My head drooped from heaviness, my body trembling slightly. An aching filled my chest. My hands hung small and cold between my knees.

Severus reached out, and took my hands in both of his. They were surprisingly warm, and they enveloped mine completely. His deep voice rippled through me, soothing, like water. "You will be alright," he said. "I will take care of you."

I remembered randomly that today was my birthday.

When it was over he ran the bath for me, and left me to clean up. He took my clothes and cleaned them, and left them with a warm towel just inside the door. When I was dry and dressed, but still too weak to walk, he carried me back to the bed, which he had also cleaned, and tucked me under the covers. The rain had dwindled and a bit of weak white sunlight came through the window, reflected off of the dark wall of the house across the alley. It must have been afternoon by now. My body eased into bed as though I had been without sleep for years.

Severus sat on the edge of the bed and lingered over me. Again I had the impression that he was a kind of dark angel, silent and protective. I knew him so little, and yet owed him so much. My eyelids fluttered closed. He stayed there for a moment longer, touching my forehead, and then left me to sleep.

When I woke up, my first desire, after drinking a glass of water, was to go back to Hogwarts, in case Remus returned for the full moon, which would be on the thirty-first. Nine days. I realised there was some force behind my voice when I asked Severus if we could go. I couldn't help being a little afraid of him. What did he think of me now?

I expected him to say no, but he agreed. We would stay here one more day, and then go by floo into Hogsmeade the next evening. In his voice was a measure of pity, of careful patience which I resented, but only slightly. How else could I expect him to respond, after what had happened? It was confusing, though, to my heart, that he had been so tender after insulting me so harshly the night before.

The thought crossed my mind to send Remus another patronus. Perhaps if he knew I no longer had the baby he would come back. That had been his reason for leaving, hadn't it? The fear that it would be like him?

But then I remembered that I had no wand, and gave up the thought.

NOTE

Take care of yourselves, loves. You have all of my good thoughts.