38. Boggart

We started straight away after breakfast the next morning. It was obvious that Severus was upset about what had happened last night. His buried anger radiated from him like a deadly cold wind. It didn't slip past me that he was wearing his black clothes again. The severe buttons and stiff collar and cuffs clearly served as a wall between us. I was reminded of his status, and resented the habitual respect and submissiveness which was drawn out of me as I followed him out of the castle.

It was a clear day, but very windy. Luckily he led me to the woods around the lake, where there was some cover. It was still too early in the seasons for blooms or leaves, and the rickety branches swayed and creaked overhead.

Severus set a fast pace, and I had to hurry to keep up. He spoke as he walked, and his voice was deep and unrevealing. "As Potions Master it will be necessary for you to know where certain valuable ingredients may be found on the grounds. This–" he paused and indicated the surrounding trees "–is the best place to harvest Birch sap. Ideally in mid-summer."

He continued walking, pointing out certain plants and grasses, including the minuscule leaves that grew from damp dark moss between tree roots. Then he took me to the lakeside, explaining the different types of algae and grasses which grew later in the season, and how to harvest them. I noticed how he kept from facing the small island which held Dumbledore's tomb.

Back in the woods, he pointed out small tunnels in the ground, well away from the path. "Those belong to moles," he said. "Of course there are more useful animals in the Forbidden Forest, but I won't expect you to enter it."

"It doesn't bother me," I said. I had barely spoken while we'd been out, and my voice was hoarse. I felt exasperated. Here he was being so difficult, and yet showing me consideration at the same time. I didn't understand him.

There was a tightness in his face. "In that case," he said, and offered me his arm. I took it bravely, and we apparated deep into the Forest. We were in a dark place, a clearing under the densely woven pines. It felt very old, silent and powerful, and reminded me of where Sybill and I went to call back the Hogwarts ghosts.

Severus watched me closely when I let go of him, seeming to doubt what I'd told him. I looked back at him sharply, and he turned away and continued leading me.

He showed me where to find blind-worms, and that if I looked closely I could find claws, feathers, shed skins, and sometimes dead animals from which to harvest valuable parts such as livers, eyes, and hearts. I felt a bit green around the gills, imagining what such harvesting would entail.

"I'll lead you through a dissection in time," Severus promised.

We walked further through the forest and arrived at an old oak tree, strangled by ivy. Around its roots in a wide oval grew hundreds of mushrooms. Severus pointed out the useful ones, picking some of them and putting them into a pouch to be taken back to the castle. Then he pointed to others.

"Note the small difference in the pattern on the cap. These are extremely poisonous. Not to be touched, is that clear?"

"Yes, sir," I said. There was simply no other way to respond.

He looked at me darkly, seeming to think I'd meant to bite him with my words. I raised my eyebrows and matched his look.

"I think that's enough for today," he said, turning away. He offered me his arm again and I took it begrudgingly.

The next day we stayed inside the castle. Another thunderstorm had struck in the dark and early morning, and the weather was unsuitable for another outdoor lesson. The thunder rumbled distantly in Severus's chilly dungeon office.

He gave me a list of reliable apothecaries and their addresses. There were only three names on his list. It didn't surprise me that he was selective, but this seemed a bit extreme.

"What about the one in Diagon Alley?" I asked, noticing that it wasn't on the list.

"For the common enthusiast," Severus said. "They don't import much, and what they do is of poor quality. Everything sold there you can easily find on your own. This is the best." He pointed to the first apothecary on the list. "It's in a small wizarding hamlet near the lakes. I will take you there before the term begins."

I followed him up from his office to the first floor, where he turned into the narrow tapestry corridor. He stopped at an old wooden door with thick iron bolts, and unlocked it with a key from his pocket.

"The private storeroom," he told me, stepping inside and beckoning me after him. It was a tall, narrow room with a ladder painted black. It was very dim, but I could see the shelves upon shelves of glass jars and vials. I assumed the storeroom contained both already-made potions, and rare ingredients. I felt immediately overwhelmed.

"I've organised everything alphabetically. A is nearest the floor, Z highest up. Are you listening?"

I'd begun staring blankly at a jar of what looked like dark orange turnips. I nodded my head.

His eyes narrowed. "Spit it out."

I kept my heart calm, not rising to his accusatory tone. "Are you sure about this?" I asked, my voice slightly shaking. I was imagining how much time and effort accumulating such an impressive collection must have required. "This is all yours. I couldn't… It's your work."

The corner of his mouth twitched, with something astonishingly like humility.

"It will be yours now," he said.

Severus held out the key, and I realised in shock that he wanted me to take it. "Hold onto it and familiarise yourself with this room on your own time," he instructed.

I swallowed anxiously, but nodded, trying to stand a bit taller as I took the key. It felt very heavy, and I was terrified that I would lose it.

"There's something else I'd like to offer you," he said. He closed around the door and I locked and checked it, before following him back to his office. As I watched him walk, I worried about my ability to actually govern a classroom. Severus's commanding posture and presence easily put a roomful of students in a state of respect. I wasn't sure I could do the same.

Back in his office, Severus took another key from a drawer in his desk and opened a large cabinet against the wall. I saw that it was full of leather bound journals. He stepped back and gestured towards them. I stepped forward meekly and took one from the top shelf, opening it. It was full of lesson plans, written out in Severus's fine handwriting. I couldn't help the look of awe that came over my face.

"Use them if you need," he said. "I'll leave the key on the desk."

"Thank you," I said, really meaning it. I wouldn't have known where to begin without these, and was certain that they were extremely detailed. A small voice in my mind wondered whether Severus had given Slughorn access to these during his year as Potions professor. I doubted it.

While I crouched to leaf through more of the journals–they covered all of the material, from first year to seventh–Severus wrote something down at his desk. I was absorbed in one of the seventh-year lessons when he stood and approached, offering me another piece of parchment, with a long list of books. Some of them I recognised, but most I'd never heard of.

"You must study these. They can all be found in the library. Come with me."

I quickly folded the parchment and pocketed it, replaced the journal I'd been reading, and closed the cabinet doors, running to catch up with Severus on the stairs. He led me again down the tapestry corridor, further. "The staffroom," he told me, stopping in front of a large door and opening it. "After you."

I'd never been inside before, and was curious. I stepped through the door and looked at the row of chairs against the wall under the rainy windows. They were covered in dust. I figured nobody had used this room in a long time.

Suddenly a soft rushing sound, like a fast breeze, came from the other end of the room. I turned my head, startled, and felt my whole body freeze.

Standing in the corner was Lucius Malfoy.

For a moment I was paralysed, my heart racing as I took in his cold eyes, his jaw set. Then he began to move forward, swinging his cane at his side, and I was blinded by terror. I stumbled back, cowering, and realised that I was screaming.

Severus swept in front of me, and I turned to the wall. All of my senses were drowned out by shock. I curled up on the floor in the corner, covering my ears with my hands and gasping frantically.

I heard something, muted by my hands. Then a quiet minute passed. Then came another sound, softer, closer. A hand closed around my shoulder and my stomach leaped in panic.

"No!" I gasped.

The hand left. Trembling, I took my hands away from my ears, and realised that it was Severus. I looked around the room for Lucius, but he was gone. On the floor was a latched wooden box, which was shaking wildly.

A Boggart.

My mind was called back to reality, but terror was still coursing through my body. My hands were shaking, and I couldn't take a deep enough breath. Severus was crouched in front of me and I hid my face, terribly ashamed as I realised I was crying.

My heart burned with hatred. It had been so real. Lucius's piercing eyes, his cruel expression, his stride…

The door burst open suddenly, and Flitwick was there, his wand raised. "I heard a scream," he said.

"Only a boggart," Severus said. He pointed to the latched wooden box, which was still rattling furiously.

"Thank Merlin," Flitwick said. He looked with concern at me, but I hid my face again. "I'll take it out," he said, and picked up the box, quickly leaving the room, closing the door behind him.

Tears of adrenaline and anger kept pouring from my eyes.

"You're safe," I heard Severus say. "It's alright."

He reached out his hand again, but I pushed it away. I couldn't bear his comfort.

"Go," I managed, my voice strangled with shame. "Please."

He showed me his hands, and slowly stood up. I curled deeper into the corner, burying my fingers in my hair.

"I'll leave you," he said, at length.

Then there was another long pause, and when I glanced up I realised he had gone.

I stayed there on the floor for what could have been an hour. My body kept shaking for a long time, and slowly began to rock back and forth to calm itself. I hugged my arms around my chest and gradually stopped crying. "He's not here," I whispered to myself, until I finally believed it.

The rainstorm was over, and a soft grey light was coming through the windows. I stood up and went weakly to the library, which to my relief was completely empty.

I took the folded parchment out of my pocket and read over the titles Severus had demanded I acquaint myself with. My mind drifted from the traumatic event in the staffroom as I searched among the shelves for them. I found three of the eleven books among the common shelves, and realised I would have to venture into the restricted section for the others. I crossed the boundary a bit anxiously, and as a test picked up one of the small books on the nearest shelf. It opened without screaming, and I realised that the castle must have known that I was going to be a professor. All of the books were available to me.

I found the other books Severus had recommended–some were difficult, as the titles were almost completely worn off the spines. Soon I had all of them collected on one of the tables. I lit the lamp on the hook overhead, sat down in the wooden chair, and began reading.

Some of the language was quite difficult to grasp, and I had to strain to decipher one written completely in middle English calligraphy.

My eyes were beginning to ache after a while, so I looked out the window to rest them briefly. It wasn't long before my mind circled back to the boggart, and then to Lucius himself.

For the first time in weeks, I allowed the terrifying things he'd said to float back to me. More than offensive and disgusting, they proved that the prejudices the war had been fought against were still alive and well. In his eyes I had been a mudblood, and he'd had no qualms about using me as he saw fit.

I trust you'll tell no-one of this, he'd said, as he cast the contraceptive charm–which was the reason for his present imprisonment in Azkaban. It was this recollection that made me realise why my boggart had changed into Lucius Malfoy. I was truly afraid that, when he was released, he would seek revenge.

I tried to swallow down my fear, but it was already bone-deep. I thought instead of Severus. How carefully he'd responded to my panic in the staffroom. I felt bad, now, for pushing him away. He was so difficult to understand. He was cold and hard one moment, then gracious and strangely open the next. I didn't know what he was hiding, but it was clear that he'd been through very deep pain. Perhaps it was how far from the light he had been during his time as a spy among the Death Eaters. Such company had to take the joy and trust out of a person. Was he just as apprehensive around me as I was around him?

I longed for it to be easy. To know him more deeply; to trust him. But I simply didn't. Not yet, at least. And I could see no accessible way to change that. I found it difficult to be steady within myself, to be open to him, when he was so mercurial.

My thoughts were paths that led nowhere, so I returned to my reading.

I came around to the feeling of a gentle hand on my own hand. I realised I'd fallen asleep with my head resting on the pages of one of the books. Severus was there, and he withdrew his hand as soon as he saw me stir.

"They're all in the great hall," he said. I sat up and looked out the window, realising it was already dinner time. There was a softening in his presence. "Are you alright?" he asked.

I looked at him for a long moment. "I'm not weak," I said, protesting against the pity I perceived in his eyes.

"I know you are not."

I felt a depth in his words, and believed him. I tried to catch the fleeting openness in his eyes, but it was gone in the same moment I'd recognised it.

"Come to dinner," he said, closing the book I'd fallen asleep upon. He turned his head slightly, hiding from my searching gaze. "You will have plenty of time for this later."