39. Frederica

I didn't survive the incident with the Boggart unscathed. I knew that it hadn't really been Lucius. But the panic in my body had been as genuine and lasting as if it had been. I found myself startling more easily at loud noises, and buried sensations came up sometimes, which left me staring blankly into space.

Severus noticed these absences, and had a cautious way of bringing me back to the present, gently touching my hand as he had done to wake me up in the library. I found it ironic how respectful he was of my physical boundaries, given that they would have to be broken at the end of the month.

As the days slipped away, I became more and more nervous about the night when I would have to sleep with him. I would have been worried no matter who my new husband was. But the thought of being with Severus felt extremely intimidating.

Things were better between us than they had been on our first two days. But I was still anxious when I was around him; that I would say something wrong, that I would make him cold and distant, or accidentally awaken his temper. There were days when we got along well, mutually focused on something to do with my potions training. But then an hour would arrive when he was suddenly tense, and seemed to silently push me away.

I couldn't yet trust him with my emotions–how was I to trust him with my body?

I was sitting in the courtyard on the twentieth of March, reading in the pleasant warm air, when a small shape appeared in the sky over the lake. I watched it grow until I could tell it was a person on a broomstick.

They came closer, and soon they were hovering over the arch that led onto the viaduct bridge, and touching down smoothly. I recognised the witch at once. It was Frederica, Severus's first wife. She was around his age, and very tall and beautiful. She dismounted and carried her broomstick at her side, shielding her eyes from the sun as she walked into the courtyard.

"Hiya," she greeted me, her tone friendly. "Do you know if Severus is in?"

"Yes," I said.

"Cheers."

I forced a smile, and watched her walk past the fountain and towards the front doors of the castle. I figured that today must fall into her fertile window, and felt myself flush with a very convoluted emotion when I realised she was probably here to fulfil her monthly requirement with Severus. I had given no thought to his already-standing marriage, and felt more than a bit self-conscious.

I watched Frederica go gracefully towards the doors. She was nearly there when she hesitated, and turned. Her eyes were kind and held the slightest hint of embarrassment. "Are you Wilma?" she asked gently.

"I am," I said.

She smiled. She really was gorgeous. "I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't even introduce myself. I'm Frederica." She was walking towards me now, and I stood to shake the hand she offered, a bit overwhelmed by her presence. If I had to guess, I would say she'd been in Hufflepuff house. She carried herself with kind confidence. "I didn't warn Severus ahead of time, but I brought the papers for the annulment. Do you know where he is?"

I was startled. I hadn't heard anything about this. "Annulment?" I asked, quite lost.

"Yes," Frederica said. I could see that she was unsure whether she should tell me, as Severus clearly hadn't. But she decided to explain. "My Antoine has gotten his wife from the law with child. Now he has fewer obligations, the Ministry is allowing me to marry him. So, you and Severus can have one another to yourselves."

I felt my eyebrows raising in surprise. Of course I remembered about Frederica's lover, who lived in France, but I never would have expected such a scenario. As I went over it in my mind, however, I saw how convenient it was.

"Alright," I said, a bit overwhelmed by the new information.

"Would you like to come along?" she offered, sensing my awkwardness.

"Sure," I said. I closed my book and carried it with me as I followed her into the cool darkness of the castle.

"He's probably in his office," I said. "Down…" but I stopped, as I realised that she already knew where his office was–of course. I blushed a bit, and we went together down the stairs to Severus's office.

Frederica made a selfless gesture to me, and I was the one to knock on the door. "Severus?" I called.

"Enter," he said.

I pushed the door open and stood there a bit awkwardly as Severus's eyes moved from me to Frederica. He stood from the chair behind his desk. I stepped aside to let Frederica into the room first. "Good morning," she said to him. "I'm sorry I didn't send notice. I received the forms today and figured you'd want to sign them quickly."

"Yes," he said. "It's no inconvenience."

Frederica slipped her hand into her flying robes and withdrew a letter, which was clearly from the Ministry. I loitered near the desk, not knowing what to do with myself as I watched her unfold it and slip out an enclosed form. She smoothed it out on top of Severus's desk. "I'll go first," she offered.

Severus pushed a small glass inkpot towards her, and offered her a quill. They had a certain ease of interaction which I envied. I watched as Frederica signed, and then Severus. It seemed so easy for both of them to move away from their relationship. I was shocked by how easily they did it. Clearly they were both far more sexually experienced and mature than I was. Even if I hadn't loved Remus, I would have felt broken up about moving on from our partnership after how physically vulnerable I had been.

"Good," Frederica said, as she picked up the form again. She glanced back at me, and smiled her easy smile. "Severus, would you bring an owl, please?"

"Of course," he answered. I stepped back to give him room as he went to the door. He hadn't looked at me once since I'd opened the door, and I felt very confused by his behaviour. Had this annulment been Frederica's idea, or his? The door closed behind him, and Frederica and I were alone.

"Now we can share a few words together," she said, that kind, open twinkle in her eye. She patted one of the two chairs that sat on the subordinate side of Severus's desk, and we sat down close to each other.

"I believe you were his student, yes?" she asked.

I nodded. I'd been trying hard not to linger on that fact recently, but the fact remained.

"I can't imagine this is easy for you," she said. "But you should know that he does care for you very deeply. He's spoken of you little, but very fondly."

"Oh," I said, not knowing what else to say. I felt my heart stir with curiosity. "Was it you or him that wanted the annulment?"

"Well, I proposed it, once I knew it was an option. But he seemed pleased with the idea himself when I told him. Not impolitely pleased, of course." She laughed softly.

I nodded, this new information scurrying around in my brain. This was the first time I'd been alone with her, and the first time I'd seen her close up. She was much older than me, and clearly more experienced in life and in love. She had a few grey hairs, but her body was well taken care of, lean and long-legged. I had already noticed her beautiful face. I was certain that she was skilled in bed, and felt terrified at the prospect of trying to follow her. She was a kind, gentle woman Severus's age, and I was twenty years younger than him, unsure of how to handle my body in bed, unsure of how to communicate my needs, to relax, to give a man pleasure. It had worked out with Remus, but only after a while. I thought back to our consummation, how terribly awkward and uncomfortable it had been. I couldn't imagine surviving a night like that with Severus.

The older woman's face warmed with empathy. She could obviously see all of my concerns. "There's no need to worry," she said, lowering her voice slightly. "He's a difficult man, but a very tender lover. I have no doubt he will treat you very well."

There was a secret knowledge in her eyes, which made me feel at once intimidated and consoled. I couldn't help but blush at her words. Tender lover didn't match whatsoever with my perception of Severus. I wanted to ask her more, about what Severus had told her about me. But his footsteps were sounding on the stairs, and he promptly came in with a sturdy grey owl on his forearm.

"Thank you," Frederica said. She folded the form again, sealed it, and addressed it to the Ministry. I glanced at Severus as she worked. His eyes slid over mine, and his mouth twitched in that strange smile. I glanced down quickly again, hiding my unguarded face.

Frederica stood and stroked the feathers of the owl Severus held. "Hello, you," she said to it, and I guessed that this was the owl Severus had used throughout his correspondence with her. Then she smiled and looked around at me. "Well, shall we go up?"

We all went up the stairs and into the warm courtyard. Frederica offered the letter to the owl, which hooted confidently before taking it in its beak, and lifting off from Severus's arm into the sky. I watched it, feeling the breeze as it grew smaller in the sky, headed for London.

"Goodbye," Frederica was saying to Severus. "Do keep in touch." She took his hand and held it in both of her own for a moment, and then let go.

"Goodbye," Severus said, and in his voice I could hear the appreciation he had for her. I still didn't understand why he would want to give her up.

Frederica looked at me knowingly, and then mounted her broom and kicked off. I watched her go as I had watched the owl.

I felt Severus's presence very keenly, and my aloneness with him. I felt a sudden need to say something in praise of Frederica.

"She's lovely," I said.

Severus looked down at me, and from his moment of silence I thought perhaps I'd said the wrong thing. His face remained very still as he spoke, and there was no movement in his eyes. "As are you."

I thought I'd misheard. I should have flushed when I realised I had not, but instead I went pale.

I was beginning to wonder about his contradictory behaviour. Perhaps his abrupt changes from coldness to gentleness did not come out of a feeling of resentment towards me, but out of something else. Something that dwelt in the gentleness rather than the coldness.

At the very least, he seemed far less worried about our consummation than I was. He'd hardly mentioned it at all.

I sat down on the edge of the fountain, holding my hands together between my knees. "Severus… I don't know if I can…"

I felt embarrassed to proceed, but he was listening, and I knew it was better to tell him about my anxieties now than to have a panic attack out of the blue on the night of our consummation. I shook my head in shame. "I can't offer you what she…"

I looked up at him, hoping he would understand. I couldn't keep the fear out of my eyes.

His face was hard, and he looked very serious. "I'm not going to hurt you," he said, his voice suddenly straining, as though he were insisting it for the umpteenth time. I'd only ever heard him speak this way when he was angry, but he did not seem angry. "I am nothing like him."

He knelt before me as he had the night he'd proposed, and took my hand. I felt myself trembling. There was a strange sensation, where our hands touched. He looked into my eyes and lowered his voice. "You will not leave my bed bruised. I promise you."

I felt a tingle in my lower belly at his words, and quickly slipped my hand away. After hearing what Frederica had said about him, I felt painfully shy.

"I know," I said, looking at the cobblestones. I felt my throat constrict, and I glanced up at him again, forcing myself to be honest. "My mind knows."

I didn't want him to expect a fully available and capable woman. I felt broken and ashamed at the very thought of going to bed with someone, after what had happened with Lucius. I didn't know how my body would respond to penetration, but I doubted the response would be good. All I really wanted was to be able to get through it without discomfort. I wasn't sure if I would ever truly enjoy it again.

Severus seemed to sense the depth of my anxiety for the first time, and spoke in a reassuring voice. I realised that after seeing him interact with Frederica, and hearing the good opinion she had of him, I felt more comfortable around him than I had before.

"I saved plenty of vials of the potion I gave you for your first wedding night," he told me.

I had forgotten about the potion, and his reminder brought me relief. That would make it better. I knew my body would still be wary–the potion couldn't completely do away with physical memories–but at least my mind wouldn't be reeling with fear.

"Thank you," I said, as the promise of this half-solution partially calmed my nerves.

It was the first conversation we'd had about the impending consummation, and I felt a bit better now that it was out in the open. But now I felt like the night was closer than ever, and there was a twisting in my belly.

"Wilma."

I looked at him, realising my eyes had strayed. He held my hand again, and again I felt that distant tingle.

He seemed very careful in his words, but also very honest. "I know I can be difficult."

I felt my eyes widen with shock that he would ever make such an admission. "That's an understatement," I said quietly.

His eyes hardened for a moment, but then released again when he realised I had not spoken with hostile intent. He looked down at our hands. "I know I haven't made it clear."

There was a pause, and I felt myself tense. Made what clear? Severus looked up again, and his face was hard with earnestness.

"I asked you to marry me because I want to care for you. Will you trust me to do so? At least begin to try?"

Frederica's words echoed once more in my head. A difficult man… A very tender lover…

I knew I'd been avoiding trusting Severus, afraid of the pain I might suffer if I did. I was sure that despite his sudden openness, the road would still be anything but easy. For me to trust him was a bold request for him to make, given how drastically his responses to me were wont to change. I wasn't even sure that I would be able to summon up such trust in myself. But I knew as he waited for my answer that I had to begin to try. I knew myself, and I couldn't live with one foot in and one foot out. That would be even more damaging than the worst that could happen if I put my heart in his hands. I believed that to be true, even though it terrified me.

I felt my heart panicking as it overheard my thoughts, but did my best to console it. This didn't mean I would have to let go of Fred, or let go of Remus. I knew that I would continue to love them both, in some shape or form, for a very long time. Perhaps as long as I lived. But I couldn't go on living without trying to build something new, trying to invite love again.

I felt my eyes soften as I considered Severus. This man who had been so cruel to me throughout school. This man who had consigned himself to the pain of isolation and darkness for the greater good. This man who held his secrets tightly. Who was offering me himself now, in all of his complications.

My body felt the weight of the work ahead, and then softly accepted the challenge. I nodded my head. "I will," I said. "I will try."

His eyes became very deep. He seemed to want to speak, but did not. He looked at me until he had absorbed the truth of my words, then bent his head and kissed my hand.

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